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Hello, This site was included in an article about the dangers of antidepressants that was in Dr. Mercola's daily email. I am not or have never been on any antidepressants myself, but have been on a mission to research and find the best way and support for my son to wean off of Remeron. The reason he was put on this med was for chronic insomnia. Prior to being prescribed Remeron he had been taking Nyquil every night for a very long time. Over the years he has tried many natural vitamins and supplements with none of them helping. For about six months the doctor had him on both Remeron and Vistaril at the same time, but for the past month he has just been on Remeron 45mg. Thank you very much for accepting my registration. Cecelia77

Hi all I’m Matthew 38 the last few days have felt like opening a Pandora’s box of what it may take to get me off mirtazapine I got tinnitus distress last year and anxiety which was stopping me from sleeping mirtazapine has helped me and I’ve been on it for 8 months now feeling alright and ok about my tinnitus I thought about coming off the mirtazapine 15mg tablets Doctors gave me the advice of dose skipping and jumping off from various levels. A cut to 7.5 gave me a bad withdrawal effect and scared me. so now I’m here and have familiarized myself with the Horowitz work. I plan to resettle myself at 15mg for a month or two before I Re attempt using the 10% method. I plan to use precise scales and file the tablets, although I realise this could be challenging in the end game. I’m a bit scared to use liquid. That’s about it; hope I’ve not broken any rules, my intentions are all genuine and I hope to update here and help support others. the length of time to get off looks very daunting and scary and I never anticipated to be weighing out drugs but tapering strips are not an option here. Still asking my gp about liquid maybe. So yea very scared about this whole thing and hope I can do it ok. I may even go just 5% at the start as I really want to minimize withdrawal feelings. thank you for reading

Hello all fellow mental health warriors, I am having a tough go of it currently. I was on an SSRI (of some sort) for 20 years. My most recent psychiatrist and I decided to try to bridge me over to Lamictal 50mg ER to see if my sexual side effects from the SSRI would go away. They did, (which is amazing) BUT Lamictal has given me such severe headaches and now such severe insomnia that I am now relying on Ativan now almost every night. My psychiatrist recently tried me on very low dose Mirtazapine (3.75mg), as a substitute for Ativan, which made me sleep for 12 hours and made me dizzy for the next 48. I am currently unsure if I should just stay on the benzo (Ativan) which does not leave me groggy and dizzy all day and try to taper slowly from there or keep trying liquid Mirtazapine (Remeron) at maybe 1mg per night for sleep. I also am going to request liquid Lamictal to taper eventually but for now, I am tolerating it ok. I want to be drug free so bad but I also need to sleep to function at work and give my children a functional mother. Currently waking up crying in the middle of the night at 2 or 3 pm and unable to fall back asleep. Just wanted to reach out to the community for support. With love and hope, L

Hi Everyone, I’ve been on Bupropion 300xl since beginning of 2019 so almost 5 years. I also was taking Trazodone 50mg nightly for sleep and dropped to 25mg for a month or so then discontinuing it around June 2023. I also discontinued Losartan a blood pressure med around the same time. The doctor said my blood pressure was doing great and I could come off if, I wanted to. Around July 2023, I started to experience anxiety creeping in slowly due to a trigger thought from my past. I let it manifest and get bigger and bigger day by day until I went in full panic mode. It got so bad I went to VA hospital where I get care and they gave me Hydroxyzine for anxiety and panic attacks. I took it but it really didn’t help the anxiety was too strong at this point. I wasn’t sleeping very good. Had a couple more panic attacks. I then went back to the VA and saw mental health provider who told the Bupropion was causing the anxiety. He dropped me from 300xl to 150mg (75 ir X 2 a day).and started buspar 5mg morning and 5mg night. This was 21 Sep 23. I take the bupropion at 6am and 2pm. I also had a blood panel, thyroid test, and ekg to rule those out for the anxiety. All came back normal. I also started therapy. I stopped taking the buspar after a week. Didn’t really feel it was doing anything and made me feel weird. The anxiety has been debilitating at times it seems to be getting better slowly day by day. I’ve never had it this extreme in my 47 years. I’m retired from the Navy after 20 years and have had some stressful situations but this has really got me. I went back and saw mental health twice saying this a rough ride not being able to sleep a full night and the anxiety. They gave me rameron 30mg to take at night. I took it one time and then didn’t take it again. Didn’t want to get started on something else and the side effects of weight gain not worth it to me. Also tried Trazodone again 100mg just to see if I could get some relief made me too groggy and didn’t really help same with Hydroxyzine 25mg. I just feel off, tired, irritable, frustrated, depression and anxiety comes and goes. Sometimes I have passing suicidal thoughts but would never act on them and I share this with my wife just so she knows what’s going through my head. They definitely scare me. Definitely affects your quality of life. I guess I just deal with it now. It’s no where near like before or at panic level. Oh and they want to put me on Prozac now. I haven’t touched it yet. I mentioned my sister is on it with good results so they feel that would be a good fit. I think I was dropped too fast on the bupropion and I’m feeling the withdrawal. It’s been five weeks now and just wanted to see what everyone’s input on this is. I want to try and be done with these meds and go natural. I don’t want to introduce more stuff that I’ll have to come off of. The biggest thing I’m dealing with is anxiety and poor sleep. I’ve looked at the taper schedule and guess I’m beyond the taper from 300xl spot. What are your recommendations at this point? I think it was odd I was dropped to 75ir x 2 a day. Any recommendations to ease the burden? Many Thanks!

Introduction topic I promised myself that if I ever survived psychiatric drugs, I’d post a “success story” on the internet because I always found such stories encouraging to read, even if they felt like a distant dream—somewhere I could never really reach. And yet here I am—I’ve made it—and it’s “withdrawal” that now feels like the distant dream (or nightmare) from a past life. I feel it’s time then for me to share my story, albeit as a video. I didn’t expect or want to make a video but my own path to “healing” is somewhat unconventional. It goes beyond tapering, which for me was insufficient on its own. So, to really share my story, I need to provide a fair amount of background information. And, for me, this centres on how I’ve come to reframe my experience with “protracted withdrawal” into something else altogether, called The Mindbody Syndrome or TMS (a concept by the late John Sarno, a rehabilitation physician). It’s through my understanding of Sarno’s mindbody approach to chronic pain and other medically unexplainable phenomena that my years of withdrawal sensations (or TMS) finally ended. I’d note I’m not the first person to use a TMS approach for “protracted withdrawal.” Others have had success as well. I’ve communicated with some of them. It seems, therefore, that more people could benefit from knowing about this. To be clear I’m not saying this approach is necessary for anyone nor am I proclaiming a definitive explanation of “protracted withdrawal syndrome.” What I’ve done is taken a demonstrably successful approach for chronic pain of unknown origin and adapted it for withdrawal sensations that seem to go on and on for no particular reason. Given the limited scientific understanding of “withdrawal syndrome”, however, my adaptation comes with significant simplifications, speculations, and leaps that many people will reasonably see as implausible and too reductionistic. I get it. Despite this, I’ve posted this video because, well, this is my own understanding of how I resolved withdrawal sensations for myself—and, also, exact physiological details aren’t so important for a mindbody approach; it’s the broader psychological concepts that matter. And, who knows, maybe this will resonate with someone else. Regardless I hope everyone finds the best path for themselves. This is the one that worked for me. Finally, I’d just say that the following video is sort of like a self-help video as well. So for any person interested in this approach, I make suggestions based on my own experiences and interpretations, but I'm not saying what anyone should actually do or think. There are also references throughout the video so there’s lots of info and authors listed for anyone who feels so inclined to look into this beyond one random guy on the internet. Note: If you find the video too confusing or shoddily made but you’re interested in this idea, I’d suggest The Mindbody Prescription by John Sarno or The Great Pain Deception by Steve Ozanich for a better explanation of the psychology of TMS; or, if you’re interested in a more “scientific perspective”, I’d suggest Psychophysiologic Disorders by Howard Schubiner et al. (Psychophysiologic disorder is basically just another name for The Mindbody Syndrome.) Each of these books goes into medically unexplainable phenomena beyond chronic pain.

Hi all, I haven't been on here for quite some time as I have been very busy with life. I guess that is a good thing? I thought that now is a good time to write my success story since I have been off Mirtazapine for well over 1 year and haven't had any symptoms related to that for 1 year also. Here is my introduction and journal I wrote to give you an idea of the journey I went through: The problem: So back in 2017 I was blighted with a severe case of anxiety, I won't go into how this was triggered as this could have been from a number of things that contributed to this happening including lifestyle, stress, partying too much, among other things. Initially i was prescribed Sertraline that literally sent me into panic after taking 1 tablet, this was then switched over to Mirt. I was prescribed Mirtazapine to relieve some of the symptoms which initially worked (It helped me sleep and get my appetite back). However as any of you on this medication will know this drug is very unpredictable and can cause all kinds of mental and physical symptoms. Withdrawing + Symptoms I was only on Mirtazapine for a total of 6 months which included 2 months of tapering (see journal for more information on this). Initially I found coming off the drug quite easy, some stomach pain, sleep pattern changes but not much more. After approximately 1 month my withdrawal symptoms began. I noticed that I was very emotionally unstable, meaning everyday worries/problems become huge anxiety triggers. This was even more worrying to me as I started to think that my inital 'anxiety' problem was starting to come back and it wasn't really the effects of Mirtazapine (I was wrong). As stated, my symptoms started at the 5th week of complete withdrawal from Mirt and lasted almost 7 months. Yes 7 months! Thats longer than I was even on the medication. They were as follows: - Severe waves of anxiety (some lasting up to 3 weeks) - Weird OCD style thoughts, totally alien and not what I'd usually be thinking about - Frequent migraines from exercising - Weird joint pains (between fingers, also in my thorax) - Rectal pain (this was very weird also, and would happen at random times) - Random nose bleeds (worse during full dose but also happening during withdrawal) There were more symptoms but I can't remember them all at this time, the anxiety however was the most problematic and painful. I kept a mood diary which allowed me to rate the severity of my anxiety and track any patterns. I also had psychotherapy privately which cost me alot, and actually wasn't useful to me due to the fact the professional was treating me for 'generalised anxiety disorder' rather than 'anti depressant withdrawal'. I cut this off during my taper which helped. I noticed that I was experiencing the typical 'waves, windows' scenario. Throughout the withdrawal process I experienced waves of anxiety approximately 5 weeks after each dose drop. This, to my knowledge, was my brain trying to re-adjust to not being medicated anymore. One thing I need to mention here is that - do not assume you are permanently screwed. I fell into this trap many times, breaking down into tears thinking "Is this how I'm gonna be forever?". This thought should be avoided, infact forcing positive thoughts to stop yourself catastrophising like this will help you get better. Recovery As it is for most, my recovery was very non-linear. I went through periods of little to no symptoms, then i could wake up with chronic anxiety and a whole host of physical symptoms to go with it. I almost gave up on my medication sobriety many times, including visits to the doctors only to be told i should re-instate. Thankfully I never re-instated once, I fully understand those of you who have re-instated though as withdrawal symptoms can be horrific and any form of relief is needed sometimes. The one thing that kept me going was the fact that I was experiencing windows of no symptoms at all, this could range from 1 hour to 2 weeks of no symptoms. I remember the moments where I was coming to the end of a window and was about to fall into another wave, this was probably the worst part of all this. The fact that I was fully aware that my window was over and i was now about to deal with a period of chronic mental and physical pain for an unconfirmed amount of time. The eureka moment for me happened at about the 7th month of withdrawal, I was still experiencing anxiety spikes but they were literally lasting only one day, followed by many weeks of calmness. I remember thinking "Wow, I totally forgot I was withdrawing from medication, its been weeks since i felt bad!". I strongly believe a point of recovery is reached when you actually forget that you have been unwell, I guess the science behind this is that new pathways have been created in the brain. Over-writing the anxious pathways our brain has trained itself to regularly follow throughout this process. Thoughts to take-away + Tips Its now been 1 year since I experienced any anxiety symptoms, I don't even get the "Am I going to have a panic attack in this situation" anymore. That's a huge leap for me as I knew when that happened, I was about to go back into the anxious loop. At times, my symptoms were so strong I was thinking about throwing it all away and just handing myself over to be hospitalised. Somehow I managed to soldier on and keep fighting.. I really feel that I am back to my normal self which I remind myself of everyday. I actually think this whole process has made me stronger mentally as I know that there isn't much worse than what I went through. Tips - Recovery is non-linear - don't set yourself a date to get better, it will happen naturally - Negative thoughts actually slowed down my recovery, consciously forcing positive thoughts reminded my brain that it was still 'normal' and not 'permanently damaged' helped alot - Positive self talk & speaking out loud to yourself allows your concerns to be aired if you are worried about what people will think - Don't read any worst case scenarios online! These will make you feel worse and actually trigger the mental symptoms - Take it as slow as you possibly can. Withdraw slowly, don't kick yourself because you still feel sh^t 6 months/2 years later. Your full recovery date is set for you, nobody else - Exercise, diet and sleep are of huge priority as they will give your brain/body what it needs to return back to it's healthy state - Track your progress and remind yourself of your 'windows'. they will become longer over time Please be aware I'm not a medical professional so any advice should only be followed through the advice of a medical professional. I'm sending positive vibes to anyone reading this who are going through recovery, KEEP GOING!

Hi guys this is gonna be a ton I apologize but Im afraid I've ruined my life and am in desperate need of help both physically and mentally. ABOUT ME I am an 18 year old girl from the Bay Area in California and I have a lovely boyfriend and family who are trying to understand what I'm dealing with. I have been dealing with anxiety/depression/DP/DR ever since I was ten, coming in episodes, with it not being extremely debilitating until Covid lockdown hit. As of now my current diagnosis are MDD and GAD (which was only recently diagnosed in the psych ward and am pretty sure it came on due to withdrawal symptoms). Starting meds I started Zoloft early April 2021 and I would say at the time it definitely helped me sink out of a depression. It definitely worked in all senses for a while but I think I felt so good on it that I thought increasing the dose would make me feel even better. Eventually I was on 200 mg by October 2021 (probably earlier) which was the stupidest decision I've ever made. I was in such a "fog" on this medication and didn't bother to do any research but its too late now. It eventually killed my motivation so I began going down at some point I wish I could remember when. But I do know the reason I decided to stop it all together was because I realized how "blunted" my emotions became and I wanted to feel more intense emotions for my boyfriend, and my mental health slowly started declining due to how horrible I was doing in school. All of these memories are foggy to me but I believe I started tapering some point in 2022 and at some point I thought I was okay enough to just stop in the middle of tapering before my trip to the UK in mid-November 2022. Downfall I thought I was okay for a few weeks after stopping but everything took a turn for the worst. I was sobbing everytime my boyfriend had to leave and would break down into tears at the smallest things. But then some days I would simply feel nothing at all and started to feel extremely disconnected from myself and reality(DP/DR). I thought these feelings would go away with time but **** the fan when I had an anxiety attack on Dec 20 and then another one on Dec 24. Never in my life had I experienced anything like those. After that I basically went two days without eating. I was bed-bound and horribly anxious, shaky, believed I was going to die, and terribly depressed. I couldn't concentrate on anything, had horrible suicidal thoughts and I thought I was going insane. I think I was given a weeks dose of Ativan around this time for sleep which helped but I reinstated Zoloft then (probably 25 mg) and found myself feeling better physically and was on for two weeks until I had another anxiety attack and racing suicidal thoughts and got taken to the ER to stabilize myself (given 1 mg Ativan). I was then put on Prozac 20 mg as it was thought that it would be any different than Zoloft. Not sure why I was given this high of a dose but the five days I were on that were hell (severe anxiety, dry heaving, insomnia, suicidal thoughts). I refused to eat and was so concerned about my reaction to this med and my weight loss and especially the suicidal thoughts that I was taken to the ER and stopped Prozac and felt relief then. I stayed in the ER for two days after while they waited to take me inpatient and thats when I was started on Mirtazipine. Things then started looking up for me, although I was horribly depressed and anxious still I started eating and sleeping and was eventually discharged from the hospital around a week later. I was put into an out patient program and felt some relief for about a week. I noticed my racing thoughts were still there and I started to experience intrusive thoughts/dissacociation/anxiety very bad again. I was told to increase my Mirtazipine dose to 30 mg. The next day I woke up suicidal and at this point I was losing it and decided I did not want to give Mirtazipine more of a chance. Since then I've been using Gabapentin (100-200 mg) as needed and CBD oil while weaning off Mirtazipine but noticed that although CBD and Gaba helped anxiety all they did was make me sleepy and feel so completely dysfunctional that I could not even worry anymore. And when those wore off I felt even more depressed than before. I've been trying to stop CBD and Gaba and yesterday and today I have taken none and am currently taking half a 15 mg Mirtazipine pill. Im not sure what to do because I feel so helpless and alone and that I've ruined my life. Of course Im very depressed and anxious but even worse I find it so difficult to hold a conversation with anyone as Im afraid im hypersensitive to everything now. I cant cry, im not eating, Im stuck in horrible negative thought loops, experiencing horrible brain fog, sometimes even forget what Im saying mid sentence and feel it takes to much energy to talk to anyone. Ive been living in fear and am afraid nothing will help me and I honestly feel heartbroken. I dont feel like myself whatsoever and have never felt this disconnected from myself and my emotions. Along with that im finding it so hard to fall asleep and when I wake up I feel horribly anxious (I think its the cortisol morning thing). Im not sure what to do??? My family is here for me and of course my lovely boyfriend but they dont seem to understand and my parents still arent sold on me being off psych drugs but I swear I'll never touch any of those again. But then again I dont know what the best idea is for me at all. I have never felt this confused or heartbroken in my life and Im so afraid I'll never go back to normal. I'm being sent to a residential program in two weeks so hopefully they help me get back to sleeping and eating and I feel like all they'll try and do is force me to take another antidepressant. I know you all can relate to me and know the trauma of experiencing a relapse of your mental health issues along with withdrawal symptoms to go along with that. I have so many questions right now and would love if anyone can give me advice on what to do from this point on as I am feeling stuck in an endless loop of pain I can't get out of. Here are the questions I have and I'd appreciate any advice. -Also not to mention I've been vaping Nicotine consistently for around a year and tried to stop when I stopped Zoloft only to start again due to how horrible this situation is and the stress from it. I know it doesnt help but quitting an addiction along with all these drugs that have been put into my body is difficult. 1. How would I go weaning off of Mirtazipine completely? I have only been taking it for a month and 15 mg for only two weeks so I'm not sure how that would work or if I even should consider going off as it might make things worse. 2. Am I experiencing a relapse in depression or do you think the depression is being caused by withdrawal Ive gone through the past two months? Or maybe both. 3. Should I focus on basic eating/drinking/sleeping for now and try weaning off Mirtazipine when thats more under control? 4. Would going on Zoloft for the third time make a difference? Any kind of advice would help and I am willing to answer any questions about the timeline of medications to the best of my ability and how many I have been on. I think you all are so brave for going through this journey and persisting through and through. Please please help me. -Julia

Free from Zoloft and Benzos After 25+ Years of Use One-year post taper “success story” – http://survivingantidepressants.org Elbee (male) - August 27, 2020 At the time of this success story post, I have passed the one-year mark (15+ months) living drug-free. I am speaking to you from “the other side” of hell to let you know I made it through the nightmare of psychiatric drug withdrawal -- and so can you. I want to start by saying that everyone’s withdrawal from psychiatric drugs is going to differ – no two paths are the same. While there will be commonalities in what we each experience, there will also be differences. I also believe that none of us are uniquely or irreparably “broken,” and that each of us can find a path to living much fuller, healthier lives in greater freedom. To be clear, I had doubts throughout this process . . . believing that somehow, I was MORE “broken,” and that I wouldn’t find my way out of the darkness. But the natural, innate healing power we each possess is profoundly AWESOME, and it quietly, patiently works in the background in each of our lives. . . even if we can’t see it, and even if we don’t trust it. For me, the psychiatric drug withdrawal / tapering process turned out to be an invitation to learn how to live my life differently. It became clear to me in this journey that I could never go back to some idealized place I vaguely imagined myself clinging to . . . I could only move forward to somewhere I had not yet been. I need to be honest: It is still hard to revisit and write about just how painful this drug withdrawal process was. Now that I’m feeling so much better, a part of me wants to forget the whole ordeal . . . as if looking in a rear-view mirror, driving ever-further away. And the reality is that this rear-view mirror perspective is very much real -- I’m SO grateful not to be suffocating in such intense pain anymore! But it is also true I will carry the scars of this experience with me for the rest of my life. It is clear to me now that some of me died through this drug withdrawal process. It is also true that the most precious parts of me came back to life. And I am still healing. I was very much disabled through the most intensive parts of the drug taper. I was on these psych drugs for panic attacks, anxiety, and depression my entire adult life, over 25 years. Additionally, I was drinking alcohol abusively, and relying on multiple pots of coffee and a pack of cigarettes to get me through each day. Even before I had decided to get off the meds, I was utterly exhausted most of the time, barely functional, and unconsciously stumbling through life like a zombie. I knew I had to fundamentally change how I was living. The first step in my detox efforts was to quit alcohol in April of 2014, 30 years after taking my first drink as a kid. Thankfully, I was able to release alcohol from my life relatively easily. Whatever boost alcohol had given me previously was gone, and it was clear to me as a 44 year old man that the devastating hangovers I experienced were getting more difficult. Then, over that following summer and under doctor supervision, I “tapered” entirely off both the Lorazepam and Zoloft that I had been taking for 24 years. I experienced tons of anxiety in the process, but I did it, and after the 4-month ordeal, I thought I was in the clear. Unfortunately, about six weeks after taking my last dose of Zoloft, what I now know to be protracted withdrawal hit, and my life spun into a depth of hell that words cannot describe. Instead of re-instating the same drugs I had been taking, the doctors took me on an 8-month “trial-and-error” roller coaster ride of psychiatric drug experimentation. I finally ended up on higher doses of the drugs I had originally quit, plus Remeron added in for good measure. Through all of this, I landed in a very bad place – exhausted, functionally disabled, unable to work, and unsure what to do next. I had some savings in the bank I could live on for a few years, so I decided to “hole up” to do a new taper, following the much slower tapering protocol of the SurvivingAntidepressants.org website. But my savings were limited, so I used the 10% reduction protocol as a baseline, and pushed the taper as fast as I could without killing myself in the process. I’m not sure I would suggest this approach to anyone else, but in my situation, that’s what I did. Note: I’m going to refrain from listing out all the symptomatic horrors I experienced (there were many) as I write this success story. Here is the link, if you’re interested, to my introductory thread which details my four-year psychiatric drug withdrawal process: https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/11862-%E2%98%BC-elbee-25-years-of-meds/ And I want to take a moment here to say how incredibly grateful I am to @Altostrata, @Shep @brassmonkey, @bubble, @apace41, @Gridley, @Rhiannon (her writings), @JanCarol, @KarenB, @ChessieCat, @Petunia, @scallywag and all the folks at SurvivingAntidepressants.org who helped save my life. I also came across Robert Whitaker’s book, Anatomy of an Epidemic around the same time I found this site, and from these resources, I knew I had stumbled into truth. It became clear to me that so much of what the mainstream medical establishment had told me about these drugs, and about my so-called “chemical imbalance,” was false -- I had been lied to. SurvivingAntidepressants.org helped me anchor into this truth and set me on a new course. THANK YOU! With these new resources, I came to understand that getting off the drugs wasn’t just a simple matter of refraining from ingesting chemicals, or even about waiting for those chemicals to dissipate out of my body. I learned that my brain had restructured itself around the presence of the drugs all these years and that by removing the drugs, my brain would have to, very slowly, restructure itself again to a healthy state. The metaphor of a plant (my brain) growing on a trellis (the drugs) for support is so profound to me. How can I expect to abruptly rip out the trellis and think that it won’t damage the plant in devastating ways? This metaphor was such a clear illustration to me of how a neuroplastic human brain builds tolerance, and how we can so easily become entangled in the physiological mechanisms of addiction. And to be very clear, our brains develop tolerance to psychiatric drugs just like they do street drugs, and the mechanics of addiction and withdrawal in each are the same. Gaining this knowledge and allowing it to sink in was probably one of the most important early milestones in my healing process. In preparing for writing this success story, I re-read my entire introductory thread. Several pivotal posts stood out to me as other milestones in my healing process, and while this testimonial might go long, I think it could be useful to touch on some of them . . . In my very first post, I am already talking about the value of meditation. Sitting with myself quietly and focusing on my breath helped me slow down my mind and learn to relax. As I continued with the practice, though, I began experiencing periods of discomfort. I had initially taken the psychiatric drugs to avoid feeling uncomfortable feelings, and as I practiced meditating space was again created for those feelings to arise. Learning to slowly sit with and tolerate whatever thoughts and feelings arose began to nullify my need to run away, and therefore, lesson my urge to drug the discomfort. Meditation became a cornerstone of my self-care practice, and self-care is what I ultimately found to replace the drugs. Next milestone -- about a year later, I wrote an entry about a decision I was struggling with on whether to consult with a renowned psychiatrist. A relative was able to get me an appointment for a psychiatric medication evaluation from a “leader in the field” (at the bargain price of $2,000). Looking back, it was then I decided I no longer believed in the efficacy of psychiatric drugs, nor the system that deals in them. I wrote: Next, in the summer of 2016, still early in my tapering and recovery process, I went on a 111-day, 9,000-mile solo road trip across the U.S. In retrospect, I was probably looking for something “out there” that was missing “in here.” I did a four-day vision fast in the wilderness, hiked a 14,000-foot mountain, roamed Death Valley, did a week-long silent meditation retreat, camped under redwoods, hiked numerous National Parks, etc. Was it really a good idea to take this pilgrimage in such a compromised state? I can’t say for sure, but it’s what I did, and I think it cracked through defenses that needed to open. In the Hoh Forest of Olympic National Park in Washington state, I experienced a release of emotions like I had never felt before. It was in that moment I finally realized that releasing stored emotional blockages could ease my anxiety: Another milestone: Upon returning home to Florida later that fall, I dove more deeply into my involvement with the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) 12-Step program. In conjunction with doing EMDR with a skilled, compassionate trauma therapist, ACA helped me crack through layers of protective childhood denial that I had carried into adulthood. Some people advise NOT deliberately digging into the unconscious too much while going through psychiatric drug withdrawal, but my path has been that of heavy digging. I accepted living in a disabled state for a period of time and felt that if I was going to get off these drugs, I needed to address what drove me to take them in the first place. By early summer of 2017, my commitment to this recovery approach had strengthened. Along with addressing the trauma associated with childhood family dysfunction, I opened another door . . . into the shame and terror I experienced hiding as a closeted young gay boy and gay teen. I had initially come out 25 years earlier at age 20 (the same time I started taking the psych drugs), but that was only part of my truth I was hiding. The secrets of my sexual orientation were built upon the secrets of having grown up in family dysfunction: Homophobia turned out to be compounding trauma, and I had been living in a closet within a closet. I had more inner work to do. Perhaps one of my most significant milestones was realizing how important it was for me to take the lead in my healing, and how easily I had deferred to the “expertise of authorities” in my life. By June of 2017, I had navigated my way off the benzos completely, and I recognized the importance of building an internal sense of trust – connecting with my more authentic self to discover a new inner compass. Despite appearing outwardly confident most of my life, inner trust was something I lacked. By allowing myself to fully feel, I had opened to recognizing my own authentic needs, to directly and respectfully communicating my needs, and to setting healthy limits and boundaries. By learning these important skills that I had missed earlier in life, I discovered greater internal trust with myself, and greater discernment in trusting others. By January of 2018, I had another important insight: I more fully recognized I was going through an internal chemical withdrawal process in addition to detoxing from the drugs I was ingesting. Behavioral (or process) compulsions and addictions all have physiological and neurological correlates, and I had been heavily “dosing” throughout my life using my own “internal drug store.” This realization profoundly shifted my perspective on my psychiatric drug withdrawal process, seeing it in a more comprehensive context. A lot of my recovery has involved working with an “inner critic” that had been driving me most of my life, born and sustained from a lack of unconditional love. Ironically, this harshness was so pervasive that I had never consciously known it was there. My inner critic constantly pushed me into the extremes of all-nothing thinking. Again, meditative practices more than anything helped me identify this was going on, and ACA reparenting (inner child work) has allowed me to soften it. By the end of 2018, I started discovering something that had evaded me my whole life – moderation, and a general sense of “OK-ness.” By April 2019, I had found a new pace in life to accompany my new inner compass, and I was nearing the full completion of my psychiatric drug taper. I was one-year benzo-free at this point, and at times, I was overwhelmed with heights of new sensations and emotions. I was feeling things I hadn’t experienced since I was a teenager because I had been drugged my entire adult life. It was overpowering in many ways, but I was so grateful to be “awakening” to a much more fully human life. On April 28, 2019, I was finally free from Zoloft, and my psychiatric drug taper was complete. I had found a way out of the darkness, and I had survived. I couldn’t remember having ever felt so alive. So, while this isn’t my entire recovery story, I’m fulfilling my promise to report back and share my continuing journey with others. Where do things stand today, 15 months after taking a psychiatric drug for the last time ever? No need to panic. I’m not experiencing depersonalization, derealization (DP/DR), or panic attacks in frightening ways. I do still feel what I might call different states of consciousness, but often there is a positive, expansive quality to these experiences. Perhaps some might call this bliss? I haven’t really found ways to talk about it yet clearly, but I don’t experience panic attacks in the ways I used to. I still have fears of them returning, but less so with time. I also get “eerie” feelings now and again, but I have found ways to work with that when it happens, and it doesn’t usually last long. Scariest weirdness has ceased. Most of the “unexplainable” adverse reactions I experienced don’t happen anymore. I would get terrible flu-like symptoms for days at a time . . . hot flashes and chills, body aches, cramps, twitches, headaches, fogginess and disorientation, exhaustion, etc. Sometimes my heart would start racing for no apparent reason, or I would have trouble breathing. I had chronic digestion issues. I had intense agoraphobia, even paranoia at times. I had problems making the simplest decisions. All of this, for the most part, has subsided. Consistent rest. My sleep has changed dramatically, and I’m so grateful. I have struggled with sleep my entire life . . . unable to fall asleep at night and feeling anxious and “hungover” with crippling anxiety each morning. For as long as I can remember, I wanted nothing more than to sleep “normally” from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. and wake-up feeling well-rested. Today, more times than not, my sleep resembles very much what I used to wish for. I wrote an entry summarizing what I’ve done to address my sleep issues here. Keep gently working with triggers. I still have intense anxiety at times and find myself in hypervigilant states. I’ve come to understand this as a trauma response, and I can usually identify what has triggered me and/or how my inner critic has become activated. I’ve developed self-care routines that help to reduce these reactions, and that help me come out of this state much more quickly and easily. Some old wounds have healed permanently – some things that used to trigger me no longer do. AND I want to emphasize there are days now, thankfully, I live virtually anxiety-free. Self-care (reparenting) is my new drug. I had SO much resistance to doing self-care my whole life (for many reasons I won’t get into here). And by self-care, I don’t mean treating myself to a spa day (though that probably doesn’t hurt). I mean the day-in and day-out routines of physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually tending to myself like I’m the most precious being in the world. Self-care is what got me to where I am today, and it will be the practice of my lifetime. Don’t overdo it. As my life continues to get fuller, I can easily start “checking-out” again. If I stay dissociated for too long, I will pay for it. If I overcommit while on autopilot, I will have adverse reactions when I reconnect with myself. If I try to shortcut too much on the self-care, I will most definitely feel it, and I will struggle. Moving forward, I have to be very careful not to take on too much too quickly, and simply take next best steps. The worst is over. I’ve come to accept that I will never know how much of the excruciating symptoms I experienced these past years were due directly to the psychiatric drug withdrawal, versus how much was due to all the “inner work” I was doing. What I can say is that the symptoms from folks going through psychiatric drug withdrawal and folks doing inner transformative (trauma) work tend to be very much the same. It’s uncanny really, and I can’t explain it. But these two processes seem to very much mirror each other. What I can say is that while there will still be “windows and waves” as my brain keeps healing, and while I still have more “inner work” to do, I’m confident the heaviest lifting for me is done now. Perhaps most indicative of the healing I’ve experienced, I’m feeling well enough now that I’m back in school earning a Master’s in Social Work (MSW) – I’m going to become a therapist. While I’m a bit uneasy stepping towards healthcare systems that betrayed me so deeply, I also feel this is how I can be of most benefit. I’ve come to fully believe that my wounds are intrinsically linked to my gifts, and as I continue to heal my wounds, my gifts will become increasingly available. I’ve been doing volunteer work for some time now, which has helped me to “move back out into the world,” and I hope to transition into paid work soon. I’ve been meeting with people in support capacities, and I envision “coaching” people at some point until I more formally earn my credentials. I plan to be very open about my history with psychiatric drugs, as well as my recovery process. I journaled extensively all throughout my recovery process, and perhaps I will share the “long version” of my story in the future (yes, this is the short version). For now, writing this success story is an important next step in my “coming out.” Thank you for witnessing my healing. Elbee-Success-Story_Free from Zoloft and Benzos After 25 years on them.pdf

So my history is that I started taking anti-depressants for anxiety and mild to moderate depression. Ive always suffered with social anxiety, in particular eating in front of people that I perceived to be 'important' people but they were strangers. If I knew I was going into a situation where I would be expected to eat in front of strangers then I always had an extra pill prescribed by my GP. Propranolol was the drug of choice to be used as a PRN drug on top of my SSRI tablet. I used to take venlafaxine but this was changed a few year ago to Fluoxotene and has recently been added to by my GP and so I now take Mirtazapine in the evening. So as you can see I am not looking to withdraw at the moment but having watched the Panorama programme which has given me food-for-thought. I will come here again when the time is right to look at withdrawal! I will also use this and other sites to gather support and information.... Oh and I am 57. Been on anti depressants for over 30 years and I live in Wiltshire, UK

Utek (Jeff) Hello new friends: Attempting to get off Mirtazacrap Hello, I will try to make this as coherent as possible. By my estimation, my brain is functioning at around 50-60% of what was normal. But that is a vast improvement over just a couple of weeks ago. First, I would like to say one thing about mirtazapine. If it were not for the next day brain fog, sleepiness, fatigue, dizziness, lethargy, and worsening bph symptoms, and weight gain, it would be a pretty good sleeping pill. The last couple of years have been difficult for me and my parents, as I know it has been for the rest of the world also. But I really handled it like a superstar. My Dad was in the last stages of dementia, and he got covid. My mother has a mild case of MS, so I had my hands full. Being an only child put all the responsibility on me. My Dad died in March, 2022. I then decided to focus all of my efforts on the health and happiness of my Mother. We had a couple good weeks. Due to a cascading series of negative health events for my Mother involving afib, paranoid delusions, and 2 lengthy hospital stays, I rapidly lost the ability to sleep. On August 2, I was sleeping about an hour a night. I had nurses helping me with my Mother, but I still had loads of responsibilities. I was barely functional. It took great effort just to write a check. (From what I know now, my cortisol levels must have been off the chart.) After a month of little to no sleep, my best friend drove me to the Emergency Room at the VA. They gave me trazodone and hydroxyzine. I also got appointments for primary care and the psych doctor a week later. The first night I got 6 hours sleep with the trazodone, but felt horrific the next day. I did not mess with the hydroxyzine. After the first night, I only got around 3 hours sleep. Through some kind of miracle (“Jesus take the wheel”) I was able to drive myself the VA the next week to see the psych doctor. She gave me mirtazapine and Buspar. I sort of freaked out, because I remembered we gave my Dad a low dose of mirtazapine to help with his appetite. I took a Buspar that day but it made me so dizzy that I never took another one. After researching Mirt online, I decided to stick with the trazodone. Trazodone just did not work for me. I was only sleeping around 3 hours a night. I reluctantly switched to Mirtazapine a week later. The first night on mirtazapine, I slept over six hours but felt like the walking dead the next day. After the first night, I could only sleep a couple of hours on mirtazapine, and I still had the next day hangover symptoms. This is when things really got bad for me. I am a lover of life but I didn't want to live anymore. I was just so tired. The next 5 days were bad, and dark, and then suddenly I began to sleep 6 to 8 hours on the mirtazapine. I still felt like dog crap the next day, but I decided to fight as hard as I could to live. The first night that I was able to sleep with mirtazapine, I decided to taper to get off it. I had been spending most of my time studying and implementing the free cbti online course the VA offers. I tapered from 15mg to 10mg and still slept good. You can imagine how happy I was. Then the next night I did not sleep at all. So I went back to 15mg and started researching how to get off this crap. I found Altostrata's article which led me to this site, and the instructions on the no harm 10% taper. With my mind only functioning at around 30% capacity, all this measuring and turning the medicine into liquid was quite overwhelming. But I bought my scale and pill cutter on Amazon, and understand exactly how to do the liquid when the time comes. As of today, November 22, 2022 I am down to 12.5mg and I am still sleeping good. Since I started the medicine, I have only not been sleepy 2 days. Today is one of those days, so I decided to do this intro. A few weeks ago this would not have been possible. For me the side effects of mirtazapine are truly awful. The brain fog, and fatigue are intense. This seems to improve a minuscule amount each day. A few weeks ago I was barely functional. Driving to the dentist was a monumental task. But now I can function a little better. I believe I could handle a crisis. But everything takes intense mental focus. My favorite thing in life was walking a 5 mile trail near my home. I made the full walk yesterday, but there was no pleasure. I can now watch a 30 minute sitcom, but a movie would be out of the question right now. I am very grateful for this website. The information is so vital. The sleep mask and garbage bags on the windows have made a huge difference. I sleep an extra hour because of it. The supplements are helping and must say the Lactium is extremely effective for me. I am holding it in reserve for the inevitable rebound insomnia. A few weeks ago, I was at the point where I did not see a light at the end of the tunnel, but I acknowledged the possibility that one might exist. Today, I see a flicker of light, and plan to fight with all my might to reach it. A funny/weird side story: I am a huge Carolina basketball fan, and a couple of weeks ago, I was thinking to myself, I wonder how Carolina did last year. I did remember Roy had retired and Hubert took over. I had completely forgotten that Carolina had a miraculous year, playing Duke in the final 4 and playing in a heart wrenching loss in the championship game. I'm not sure if this is due to the month of no sleep or the mirtazapine. And I had a hard time averaging numbers a few days ago, even thou I am a math wiz. My main focus right now is to get off the mirtazapine and still be able to sleep. If anyone knows how to deal with the intense fatigue and brain fog, I would love to know. Coffee does nothing for me anymore. The mirt seems to neutralize the effects of caffeine. How insidious! Many thanks to all the volunteers here, and all the advice. I will update as I continue my journey to get off mirtazapine.

Hello all and thank you for this valuable forum. Seeking advice. Was put on 7.5 mg in 2021 to help with sleep in coming off of klonopin. Finished Klonopin in 1/2022. Struggled with tapering Remeron. Failed attempt to switch to liquid and then could not get stable back on dry cutting dose. As you can see my history below, I have been all over the board. I am thinking about reinstating but am concerned about the timeframe. My main symptoms are ringing in the ears, tingling over my body, and rapid heartbeat. Sleep is ok and GI issues are fine. I would appreciate some advice and thoughts. I know there are no guarantees and reinstating may not help and then I have to taper again. If I did reinstate what does should I reinstate at and what is a realistic timeframe of if, and that's a big if I would see some benefit. My only other things I take is astepro nasal spray and melatonin. Thanks. 2021 - prescribed remeron taking 7.5 mg4/15 - taper Remeron 10%4/22 - 10% more4/27 - to quick went back to 7.5 mg5/2 - trying a 5% drop - 7.125 estimated mg9/9 - Currently at 5.5 mg 9/10 - Tried switch to liquid - unsuccessful back to pills 12/1 - Jumped at 5.512/8 - reinstated at 2.5 mg12/25 - never could get stabile - stopped completely.3/1 - reinstated for 1 day at 7.5 mg and stopped3/21 - reinstated at 2 mg3/27 - stopped again 5/20 - Little over 7 weeks med free again

Hi there, I have been through polydrug hell, suffered insomnia after medical shock then given host of sleep meds but believe they caused paradoxical breathing or possibly withdrawals maybe from mix, was given zolpiclone and Xanax and no in breath when going into deeper sleep and would wake constantly? Has anyone experienced this? Continued and given mirtrazapine at morning time! Then amitriptyline which caused urinary retention stopped both, no sleep still so kept on Xanax and zopiclone, then stopped and the same scenario no in breath? If anyone knows what this is? I was then given Xanax to keep me asleep, never more than 1mg ar night only, would you have withdrawals from that if just at night? Panic attacks as no sleep only an hour or so, myoclonus, can’t sleep during day time jerks hypnic. Then started sertraline and hyperacusis started and Xanax still. Then went to psych hospital as wasn’t sure what was happening? Was treated horrifically told agitated depression, never had depression in life, we thing misdiagnosed badly, by power tripping psych as I challenged that. Given Effexor, then clonazapam at night 1mg kept pushing Effexor up, no benefit. I was so worried as they were leaving me on clonazapam, I was only taking at night, day was cut cold Turkey as I was too sleepy. No weaning. Then told take more at night! But got trazadone added 100mg and cut clonazapam to .5 from 1mg, hyperacusis back as had gone but worse than when went in! Effexor pushed up more, phergen added night and clonazapam cut to .25mg from .5mg, Effexor up at 150mg, hyperacusis unbelievable now! Odd as if was depression should the Effexor now get rid of hyperacusis? No benefit. Then told take more, 187 and I couldn’t sleep at all. Myoclonus so bad. Was left even though had bruising everywhere ignored amongst so many other symptoms panic attacks so bad, let out as insurance up, left in lurch, cut to 150 Effexor then 112 and hyperacusis worsening. Got public psych but she said thinks misdiagnosed but no disgnosis and said cut Effexor to 75 and hyperacusis was too much to bear I had to go back to 112.5 mg. What is going on, I’ve never dealt with drugs like this before and don’t know what’s going on and very bad care here, told hyperacusis ENT thing but ruled out but ignored. Hypnic jerks, sleep not great at all, panic so bad in morning feel in total trauma ptsd all time freeze mode. Treated so badly. No info given on anything when in hospital just ignored and wouldn’t wean me off clonazapam yet told me Im on addictive meds now for life! Can anyone help me on hyperacusis and what’s going on breathing at night and hypnic jerks. Breathing is separate than jerks, no in breath in deeper sleep stage. I am at wits end and no life. Left without help. Clonazapam Now out of stock. I’m on it still what left .25mg trazadone and melatonin now might, wake up in horrors. Is it possibly to have withdrawals daily? If low dose? I’m so confused. Pharmacist said possible, my nervous system in total disarray. The 112 to 75 was too much. Too fast just cut fast. Any help on how to cut as tried opening beads out but even that hyperacusis was getting worse? Please help me make sense of this all? Thank you. Is it trauma PTSD, withdrawals, as I am worse now than ever, do get some sleep which is good thing. But wake in horrors. All day panic attacks constantly no let up unless lying down. BP all over place. Get so weak. Have thyroid condition and period issues, fibroid and lot of blood loss monthly. Skin is so dry. Diarrhea all time, gastro issues, reflux. In such panic I just need some advice what May be going on? Thanks so much

Hello Everyone, I'm so grateful for communities like this community. To know I'm not alone. There's so much I want to say though I also want to post an introduction today and my concentration is limited so I'll try to keep it brief. I apologize if it turns out to be a bit long. My first experience of psychotropics was in 1994 when I had moved to a new area, was laid off, and struggling. My PCP was a willing participant and prescribed various medications - Zoloft, Paxil, whatever was available at that time. Nothing seemed to do what I hoped it would do and I didn't go any further. I wish I could say that that was the end of the story. Several years later in 1997, I moved to a new area with a woman I had been seeing. Our relationship was not a healthy relationship and I was under a lot of stress at work, wasn't sleeping well, was having a bit of a nervous breakdown. I decided to make an appt with a psychiatri1st. By that time, I was convinced that medication was an answer to my dilemma. I believed the current narrative of emotional distress, depression and anxiety, neurotransmitters, and the need for medication to make up for what was missing. The first psychiatrist wanted to just put me on Klonopin, said it would do the trick. I knew a bit about benzos and thought this recommendation wasn't helpful. It didn't fit with my understanding of serotonin deficiency. I went to see a different psychiatrist who put me on Effexor, titrating up to 300 mg. He prescribed Xanax initially to help with sleep and anxiety during the day. I was willing to use benzos as a temporary measure. That made more sense to me. I look back with regret and anger that other options weren't offered for what really were normal existential challenges of work and relationship, something I wasn't equipped to handle at the time. Fast forward to the present. I've been on medication since. And I've had a lot of trouble finding a medication that doesn't have significant side effects. I've felt despair. I've been told numerous times that I would need to be on medication for the rest of my life. And yet changing medications is a nightmare. The side effects are a nightmare. I recently read a book called Pathological that prompted a deeper reflection and research on medication in general. That the medication may be my problem. I had already started titrating down on my current cocktail. I experience akathesia on Zoloft, the reason the Remeron was added. It's a bit of a shock that my psychiatrist seemed uninformed. He wasn't aware of akathesia as a potential longer term side effect beyond 1-2 weeks. If patients experience this, it passes, he said. He offered no explanation for why it was passing for me. I've wanted to titrate off the Zoloft for this reason though I haven't known what next. I've felt hopeless. This process is so tiring and disruptive. My psychiatrist is a good man though he doesn't have really good ideas about what to do. Just throw more things against the wall and see what happens as if this were a simple process. I started to believe that maybe I have Bipolar II and misinterpreted the akathesia as hypomania. I was on track to titrate down on my cocktail and look at mood stabilizers, something my psychiatrist was willing to try, when I came across the book Pathological. It changed my view in many ways. My dilemma now is best to proceed. I'm learning just how naive I am about psychotropics and titrating off them. In my efforts in the past, I've followed a more traditional titrating schedule and crashed and burned only to think I'd relapsed and needed that medication. I thought I was doing it more thoughtfully this time which in some ways I am compared to the past though I'm still moving fast. I seemed okay with Zoloft 25 mg and Remeron 15 mg. I went down to 12.5 mg Zoloft and the withdrawal side effects were too much to manage. I'm using liquid Zoloft and quickly went up to an intermediate dose of 17 mg which seemed to be okay. I thought at 17 mg I could go down a third at a time from 25 mg. Because the sedating effects of the Remeron were kicking in on lower Zoloft, I went down on my Remeron to 7.5 mg. It's been 2.5 weeks since that change. It's been hard. The biggest issue is that often I'm unable to think, concentrate. Brain dead. When it happens I'm dead in the water. I can't really do anything. I'm awake though my brain isn't functioning. I can think a bit though my brain quickly locks up, shuts down, goes dead and it's worse as the day progresses. It's a huge issue, making work harder, diminishing my quality of life. I like to read and my ability to read and enjoy it is absent. After reading an article by Adele Framer yesterday, I realized that my plan to not overreact, to name withdrawal for what it is, and just live through the awfulness may not be the best plan. That things may get worse and that there may be a better way. That I need to slow down. Expect that this is going to take much longer than I expected. In that spirit because I'm really struggling with withdrawal and it's having a big impact on my life, I thought that maybe I needed to go back up a bit on the Remeron since it seemed that things really got worse when I went down on it (though I could be experiencing some continued withdrawal from the Zoloft). I went from 7.5 to 11.25 mg Remeron last night. I woke this morning, feeling like I wanted to cry and cry and cry. Maybe this increase is too much. The article talked about kindling and sensitization and I wondered if this isn't why even small dose changes cause problems. My psychiatrist unfortunately is willing to be present as I titrate though his knowledge in this area is limited. My initial question is, Where to go from here with the Zoloft and Remeron to continue the titration? I know I have a lot to learn and am wanting/needing to learn. Also one burning question is, Is this issue with an inability to think, concentrate, and focus, this feeling that my brain shut downs so completely and I can't function, common and is there anything I can do to address this? If you've made it this far, thank you for listening and for any input you can offer. Best, st11

I have been off of Mirtazapine since May 31st. Unfortunately I think I need to go back on. I was given the wrong advice and did an extremely fast wean. I was only taking 15 mg for 5 months. They had me completely weaned off within 10 days and now I’m really suffering the withdrawals. I currently have long Covid. I’ve had it for 7 months. It’s reason I was put on Mirtazapine to begin with. I am also taking 100mg of fluvoxomine. My question is can I just start back up on Mirtazapine (7.5mg) starting tonight? I need some relief from these symptoms. Then once my long Covid is better I will start a much slower weaning process

Hi everyone As you can see from the sig I've messed up my taper. It could have been worse - doc told me to stop dead on 15mg back in August as I'd only been on it 8 months. It was me who attempted to wean off and I think I've messed it up, especially after reading around this forum for the past week. By the time I got to 3.75mg it was considered a "placebo" so I stopped. Anyway, I used to take citalopram many years ago after getting post natal depression, took it for quite a few years then just stopped dead (probably 10 years ago so not relevant to now). Absolutely no withdrawal problems. Not so this time! I was on mirt for sleep problems caused, probably, by my HRT not working anymore. My oestrogen level was non existent and the symptoms were appalling. I was on my knees with palpitations, anxiety and 2 hrs sleep a night for all of 2021 and had other health issues on top, and a bereavement. The mirt worked great and got me to a good place with sleep, hrt experimentation began to reap rewards and my level went up. Unfortunately I put on a lot of weight which caused other issues, like massive amounts of heartburn, and psychologically that made me miserable. Around July my hands became very shaky. We decided that it had done the job and it was time to come off. Like I say, it was my decision not to go completely cold turkey but this was not a supervised taper (as you can tell) and I wish I'd known about this forum earlier. I'm not doing as badly as some of you, but it aint great. My anxiety has crept up, the palpitations are back, sleep is not as good as it was but the worst thing, and which is causing me the most worry, are the shakes. In the evening I get full on internal body shakes which I know can be a withdrawal symptom so I'm putting up with it. It gets worse when I stress about it so I just take a deep breath and watch tv as a distraction (which does help). No, it's the shaky hands - I'm convinced I've got something bad wrong with me and I guess I'm looking for reassurance that this is a normal thing. Sometimes when I'm sewing, for instance, I can't thread the needle, or when putting on eyeliner my hand is all over the place. It seems to be with very precise actions that I have the problem. It eased off once my oestrogen levels went up back in September, really improved. It's come back in the past 7-10 days - I stopped mirt about 15 days ago - so I'm really, really hoping this is withdrawal and not something else. Sometimes I "feel" as if my hand is shaking but when I hold them out they're rock steady (so is this just part of the anxiety and me obssessing over it making it worse?). I think I could ride this out if I was sure I didn't have something else wrong, but it seems that this happens less on Mirt than on other ADs as far as google tells me, so I'm pretty scared. Also, I'm sneezing like the clappers (which I guess is histamine related). I can control it with beconase but if I forget it's always the early hours of the morning when it starts up, usually just after I've finally managed to get to sleep. An hour of sneezing is exactly what I need at 3am. Otherwise have taken up yoga, try to get a good walk every day, eat well, have cut out alcohol, drink lots of water. I'm doing all I can in terms of diet and exercise, but I keep checking my hands every five seconds and it's really going to do my head in.

Hello I am from Germany and on 0,6 mg cita from 30 mg and 3 mg Mirta, both since 2019 slowly taper.

Hey everyone, I've wrestled with two crippling bouts of insomnia in my life, both within a year a half of each other. Both bouts of insomnia weren't driven by anxiety or depression, but rather came through illness. So, I don't ordinarily have depression or anxiety. The first time I had insomnia it lasted around 3 months and I got through it with temazepam and remeron, which I tapered off of successfully. The second bout of insomnia started December 8th, 2022, again due to illness. I started temazepam again and later remeron. I had some med changes over the course of several days, which is reflected in my signature, but eventually got back on remeron. My sleep eventually stabilized, so I tapered off the temazepam successfully, with the added help of hydroxyzine. I then stopped the hydroxyzine cold turkey and didn't seem to have any issues. The last thing to go was the remeron, which I always took at 10pm and went to bed at 10:30pm. I was on remeron for about 2.5 months, most of that time being on 15mg, which I then reduced to 7.5mg for a week, then 3.75mg for another week. During the remeron taper I also used 5-10mg of THC and 30mg of CBD at night and I only had one night I didn't sleep well. The last day I took the 3.75mg dose of remeron was March 2nd, 2023. So, I hopped off at 3.75mg and it's been two days and I haven't slept at all either night. I'm guessing I should go back on the 3.75mg dose and do a microtaper with a compounding pharmacy?

Hi everyone So I have been debating whether or not to add my situation or just continue to read the success stories as they really help me. I decided to add my own story as I’m hoping people can give me some hope! So I had my daughter after a terrible pregnancy, I had a condition that put both baby and me at risk and I was rushed into hospital every week heavily bleeding. I was told each time that anything could happen and everytime I work up bleeding in the middle of the night I panicked that I was going to loose my little girl or die and leave my other daughter behind! This carried on for 15 weeks until eventually another heavy bleed left me in the operating theatre and baby girl was born. we were both poorly for a week or 2 but eventually both of us went home. I then discovered I was profusely sweating, especially at night time, and when I say sweating I mean getting up 3 times a night to change my underwear towel dry myself and change the sheets EVERY NIGHT! Anyway, this lack of sleep on top of baby crying all night left me sleep deprived, and like most mums this is fairly normal, I’ve been a new mum before but this was different, the sweats on top of baby crying left me with about 1 hour of broken sleep a night! We also had a house extension going on, my partner away at work and a teenager to care for…. I kept going to the doctors to see why I was sweating and they kept putting me on antibiotics, in total I had 6 courses over 4 months! I felt ok for about a month other then the lack of sleep the sweating subsided a bit, however I began to feel anxious for the first time in my life, I started to be panicking a bit and thinking negatively, then Covid came! I panicked further as a new mum I was worried I would get Covid and it would harm my baby, I started to have my first panic attack I couldn’t swallow properly and my body shock my mind raced, I rang the doctor and there and then he put me on 100mg of Sertraline (Zoloft) over the phone, I took the pill as I wanted the panic to stop, my body was shaking and that is where the hell really began!!! I felt like I was dieing, my body shook, my brain racing, I was vomiting, crying, shivering, heart racing, sweating, it was hell! A different doctor reduced the dose to 50mg and told me to keep going “it takes time for them to work” I stayed like this for 8 weeks, I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep as every time I closed my eyes I was thrown straight back out in a panic. I went down to 6 stone, I kept ringing the doctor and all I was told was to carry on. At this point I needed help so I was recommended a homeopath, she gave me lots of different remedies that I didn’t know at the time probably made me worse. I just needed help, anything, I took vitamin injections I got acupuncture but nothing helped I got worse, I started having suicidal thoughts, I rang the doctor again and there and then they told me to stop, don’t take it again they said. So that’s what I did! In known to me I just cold Turkey! I then spent the next 4 months in further hell, more of the same thing, anxiety through the roof, brain feeling foggy, weird thinking, heart palpitations no sleep no appetite. I also got the merina coil fitted, this made me feel even worse, I had no idea why??? I now assume this was due to my nervous system being sensitive, but it would be good for someone with any knowledge to confirm this? so when I thought I was going to die from weight loss I rang the doctor again, she prescribed me mirtazapane! I didn’t know I was in WD I just thought I was going mad!! Initially it did nothing for me, after a few weeks I noticed my appetite increased and I could sleep, however I still always woke in a panic and the anxiety waves still came and went, especially around my period. However inbetween the waves I always felt “weird” I had No emotion, no sympathy, no feelings and weird repetitive thinking. at this point I just accepted I am doomed forever, I have something seriously wrong with me and no doctors will help. I continued to search and search for answers, I then saw a hormone specialist and after some extensive tests she concluded I had a hormone imbalance with having very high estrogeon low progesterone and extremely high cortisol! I started natural progesterone and supplements to bring the cortisol down. I then slowly began tapering off the Mirtazapane as I knew it didn’t let me feel normal, I felt weird all the time with no break, my anxiety was the same in waves so I started to reduce and eventually after 5/6 months I stopped (7 weeks ago) i am now in WD from Mirtazapane, and maybe still the CT feom sertraline too I don’t know?! I feel strange and definitely experience the waves and windows, I had 3 good days last week I enjoyed my babies 2nd birthday, are and danced but now I’m feeling rubbish, I’m waiting for my period but it doesn’t seem to be coming, I find around this time in the month my symptoms get a lot worse, I never suffered from any pms prior to AD’s so not sure why this is? Nervous system maybe? I feel like I’ve been to hell and back and still there, I can’t wait to feel normal again and get through this, I feel like I’m living in a dream, like this is not real! The anxiety is awful I still can’t eat very well and I’m loosing weight, I can’t handle any stress, and feel overwhelmed with simple tasks. im really hoping someone can provide me with some hope, some encouragement, and maybe tell me how this all happened to me as that’s something I ponder on frequently. Why did this happen?? I was fine before that panic attack, maybe I was just so sleep deprived and my hormones were all over the place and the stress of Covid just got too much? My hormone doctor thinks my cortisol was so high during pregnancy as it was so high risk it probably heightened even more when Covid hit and sent me over worrying! Unfortunately I then got prescribed that terrible tablet and the rest is history! anyway that’s my story, I just hope and pray one day I can read it back and it will all be in the past! xx

I am currently taking 40 mg of Prozac ( 1 week) along with 37.5 of Effexor ER (4 months). My goal is to get off of Effexor. I am currently having a great deal of anxiety. How can I make this work? Becky

Hi everyone, I am hoping to help others and find support as I struggle through prolonged effexor withdrawal. Looking back, I can see so clearly how the nightmare roller coaster ride with medications happened to me. While living in the middle of it, however, it took me a long time to connect the dots and jump off that crazy ride!. And unfortunately, I am paying big time with my health. I am a 34 year old previously very healthy woman. It all started in 2006 with xanax and ambien. I was about 3 weeks away from finals week in professional school when my dad passed away. Dealing with the grief from that and the pressure to continue performing well and passing all my finals in professional school led to bad anxiety and insomnia. I saw a doctor at the health clinic on campus and was given xanax and ambien. At the time, I thought these medications were great! Finally I was sleeping and felt calm. I ended up using them off and on throughout the remainder of school until I graduated in 2007. A few months went by, and then I entered the work force in my new career. This, too, was a very stressful time and I developed insomnia again. I saw a doctor and mentioned the medications that had helped in the past, and with no hesitation was given a presciption for xanax and ambien. I continued to take these medications off and on, and over time needed to increase the doses. I started developing rebound anxiety and insomnia, which got really bad in 2011. At the time, I didn't realize what was happening- I thought I just wasn't coping with life well, and couldn't understand why. I went back to my general practitioner, and she said I had a severe anxiety problem and needed an SSRI. I was desperate to feel normal again and trusted my doctor completely, and readily accepted her prescription for Zoloft (after she assured me the medication was perfectly safe). I picked up the medication, and after reading the side effect list, became very concerned and called my doctor. She said "you shouldn't read that list, now you are sure to develop every side effect on it, because most of those are in peoples heads"). I felt reassured by this and started the medication. Well, I had pretty much every side effect on the list. I won't bother to describe them, we've all been there. I told my doctor what was happening, she said to stick it out. Well, after 2 weeks of pure hell, I stopped the medication. Believe it or not, I then went through withdrawal from that 2 weeks of Zoloft. I developed paresthesia, among many other things, and went to my doctor. She said paresthesia is caused by anxiety, and that this proves I need daily anxiety medication. Of course I believed her, I was so vulvernable and physically sick at the time. She proceeded to put me on and off lexapro, mirtazapine, clonazepam, lorazepam, among others. Every time I started a new med the paresthesia went away within a day or two, but the medication side effects would be unbearable. This is when it started to dawn on me that the paresthesia wasn't anxiety, but was drug withdrawal, as I was recognizing a pattern. My doctor said it wasn't possible, drug withdrawal from these types of meds doesn't exist. I argued that I knew in my heart the paresthesia wasn't caused by anxiety, and that if it's not drug related, it must be an illness of some time. She sent me off to a neurologist which led to about $8000 in tests (blood tests, MRI, ultrasound for the constant nausea, etc etc). All came back normal, at which point the neurologist stated, see- it's anxiety and has been the whole time. I felt very disheartened, accepted my diagnosis, and took her prescription for effexor. I told her that every single medication made me terribly sick, and that I believed the meds and withdrawal from them are what had given me so many problems, and that I was very concerned about taking effexor. She assured me the meds had caused no harm, and that effexor is a wonderful medication, and very safe. She said if I didn't like it, we would stop it, no problem. Silly me started swollowing the pills like a good little sheep. Well, within 2 days the paresthesia was gone. I took the medication for about 2 months and told the neurologist I wanted to discontinue it, as it was causing side effects, and my reason for taking it (paresthesia) had resolved. She told me to take one capsule every other day for a week then discontinue it. I followed her instructions and the withdrawal was out of this world. I had never been so sick in my entire life. After doing some research on line, I stumbled across a web site (probably this one) which explained how to taper effexor slowly. I quickly re-started the medication, and after a week or so, began to slowly wean myself off over 2 months. I had only ever been on the lowest dose of 37.5 mg and thought this would be sufficient. Well, I still experienced withdrawal- slightly more tolerable, but still hellish, and also developed paresthesia again. After about 2 months of dealing with this, I decided to re-instate and taper again over an even longer period. So, I started my third and final taper from effexor in October 2013, and finished in March 2014. Even after such a low dose, and a fairly lengthy taper, I suffered withdrawal. It lasted about 3 months, then I had a period of ~2 months where I was mostly normal, then I got slammed again with severe protracted withdrawal in August/September 2014. So, I have been taking it one day at a time (sometimes one hour at a time), and praying that this all eventually goes away. The most troublesome thing occurring for me right now, is that I feel as though I have fibromyalgia. I wake up each morning with pain at the base of my skull, and basically all over my body. My eyes are constantly burning and painful. My feet cramp up randomly. I also have severe digestive issues.These have been relentless for about 3 months now. These are things I had never experienced before my roller coaster med ride. I am very worried that these things are permanent. From what I have read, fibromyalgia never goes away. I just don't know if I have real fibromyalgia, or withdrawal-induced fibromyalgia. I am scared that I will have to live the rest of my life in pain and with bad tummy troubles. I am currently seeing a GI doctor and will have endoscopy soon (probably another big waste of money, will probably come back normal just like every other test). I just don't know what else to do. I take no meds, eat very healthy, and force myself to exercise almost daily. The weird thing is, when it comes to the pain- the more sleep I get, the worse I feel. Makes no sense to me! Anyhow, that is my story. I wish I had stopped after my first bad reaction to a drug, I would probably be recovered by now. If I had only known then what I know now! Sorry for the lengthy message. Any input or suggestions is much appreciated. Even if someone can just let me know the pain and stomach issues eventually went away for them, that would give me some hope. Thanks all, I appreciate you for taking the time to read this, more than you'll ever know!

DESPERATE: How a normal person lie for antidepressants and was ruined tl;dr: A burned-out normal person thought antidepressants could be performance enhancer so she lied to doc that she was depressed. She was treated as GAD and MDD because she had side effects and reached a point that with drugs she couldn't function. She was eventually honest with her doctor and is in the process of withdrawing. She felt very bad, anxious and sleepless because of the withdrawal symptoms, and deeply desperate and regretful. She has realized that she has made terrible mistakes and is guilty. She needs hope/support/encouragement that taking time she will be back to normal. From 2020 to 2021/05 I was a workaholic and didn't have a schedule at all. I just woke up and drank coffee, forced myself to work, and sleep at the point I could not work anymore, ate at the point I felt hungry. So going to bed in the morning and having lunch at 3 am was normal for me at that year. I feel so regretful, I thought I was young and healthy, so I should work as hard as I could regardless of my health. So after a year self burning, I was completely retarded. I couldn't sleep anymore. My heart was pounding when I tried to sleep, and it took me hours to fall asleep. However, besides the sleep problem, I was functioning normally. I still finished work and hung out with my friends. Just my sleep was completely ruined, which is not surprising given a year's messed up. However, even at that point, I was still thinking about performance enhancements. If I was a little bit reasonable, I should pick an antidepressant that helps with sleep, a calmer one. But I was so crazy, I picked venlafaxine which is known for activating and notorious for increasing heart rate and worsening sleep. I don't know what was wrong with me at that point, maybe I was confused by the devil, I neglected all of the venlafaxine's side effects. I must have read about its side effects somewhere but my mind refused to accept or believe it. So I went to a walk-in clinic, and lie to the doctor that I had venlafaxine before, and I had a generalized anxiety disorder. The doctor believed me and started treating me as GAD. As I said, venlafaxine has notorious side effects that will make heart racing and worsen sleep. I didn't realize that, and the doctor ironically didn't realize that either. After taking venlafaxine, I had more and more frequent heart racing and worse sleep. The doctor thought it was my GAD got worse, and he increased the dosage of A and benzo for sleep, which only made things worse. Eventually he gave me rexulti, the antipsychotic. Ironically my racing heart recovered after having rexulti. I was so happy, I thought I was cured. So I went back to work. However my sleep was so bad that I always felt tired. So I saw a psychiatrist, and told her about the sleep problem and of course the lie about having GAD. She prescripted me mirtazapine 30mg before bedtime. I stopped mirtazapine in November because it made me gain 30 lbs. So from August to December(November) I was on 225mg of venlafaxine and 30mg of mirtazapine. I was so fatigued everyday but forced myself to work because I wanted to achieve something. It was so dark during these months. My neurosystem and brain have already been messed up by so many drugs, but I believed I was fine and cured and stable, and of course, I was not. My only mental support was a promise with my friend that after December we would go on a trip, a long relaxing trip. Every time I felt burned out I told myself, hold onto it; there is a trip waiting for you. And devastating thing happened: My friend went back to her home country in December and January. I didn't realize it until my work was done. I suddenly realized that the trip was gone. I lost the only hope and good thing which kept me going and not falling apart for months. My mental health was totally destroyed at that point. I shouldn't be so desperate and burned out, but after months of abusive use of drugs my brain and neuro system were completely messed up. I would say, if I didn't take these antidepressants for months I wouldn't have that mental meltdown in December. I was sent to the emergency in December. There they gave me more benzos, and the psychiatrist increased my venlafaxine from 225mg to 300mg. He also gave me another antidepressant bupropion. bupropion was another super activating drug, and wasn't helping my mental health at all. My mental health issue got better after spending time with my other friends, and bupropion caused a lot of panic attacks, sleep problems and racing hearts. How do I know they are directly caused by bupropion? because these symptoms went away after I cold turkeyed bupropion. That was a point when I realized psychiatrists are not so reliable: The psychiatrist who gave me bupropion insisted that my anxiety, panic attacks , racing heart and worsen sleep were caused by my worsen GAD, because according to their "guildline", bupropion is supposed to help with anxiety. However this time I know for sure bupropion was causing these problems because they went away after I stopped bupropion for a short amount of days. Also my sleep got worse and worse in 2022. I could only slept for a few hours, and the sleep was bad, it didn't recharge me. I was just a dead body walking. Yea I was working **** hard and that was just by my strong spirit. I was so tired these days and it was abnormal tiredness, more like restlessness. I was so so so tired, but I couldn't nap. My heart was pounding so loudly whenever I tried to nap. And of course my heart was pounding at bedtime, and my doctor just gave me more benzo, what a shame! Remind you that by May 2022 I have been taking venlafaxine for a year on a high dosage, and venlafaxine is a strong activator and is notorious for raising heart beat and causing anxiety even for really depressed ppl. I, a healthy person, have been on it for a year, and by May 2022 I have almost reached my limit. Finally my family doctor suspected that venlafaxine is not suitable for me. So he switched me to escitalopram. So in June, July and August I was taking escitalopram. My sleep was still bad, and I became even more tired during the day. And I had brain fog all the time, ironically I was still taking driving lessons. It's so dangerous for me to drive and I know it. I failed tests for other reasons, and now I realize they might be a warning from god. Test center ppl didn't know I was dangerous driving, but they still failed me. This must be a sign from god, warning me that I am on the wrong path. Brain fog, fatigue, bad sleep, my family doctor thought it was my depression that went worse. So he increased the dosage of D to 20mg(the max) and rexulti to 3mg. By the end of July, my work became intense. I was fatigued and foggy, but I have to work. I worked **** hard again under tons of pressure, with a foggy brain and fatigue. That week was so bad that I had really bad headache. I guess I was really on the edge of falling apart by then. The week after that I had the worst panic attack and sleeplessness. I lost my sleep completely, I became so fatigued that I couldn't function in the day. If in July the fatigue and fog were something I could still live with, by the end of August that became something that I couldn't live with because I couldn't function at all. went to the emergency again, and they gave me Seroquel, another antipsychotic. This is the med that kept me sleeping all day in September. But no one told me that. I figured it out after I stopped it. Oh I wasn't working since August because I cannot. And brain fog is making me crazy. I didn't have the fog when I was on venlafaxine, so I switched back to venlafaxine. The fog went away, but my racing heart and bad sleep came back. When I was standing , my heart rate was 120. So my family doctor switched me to trintellix, the one I.am taking and tapering right now. After switching to trintellix my heart rate became normal again. But still I was so fatigue and sometimes foggy. I wasn't able to sit still and watch a movie even. I began to realize something was wrong. For the first time, I was honest to my doctor and everyone around me. I told them at the beginning there was nothing wrong with me, I lied for antidepressants just for enhancing performance. My doctor cold turkeryed rexulti and Seroquel six weeks ago and I am still suffering from its withdrawal symptoms: bad sleep, anxiety, brain fog. This week my doctor asked me to taper trintellix. I have been taking 5 mg for three days and could feel the anxiety is worsen, so is my sleep. But at this point I really don't care about my feeling anymore. I just want these poison to get out of body ASAP and give my body time to recover back to normal. I was so regretful that I lied, I was stupid and greedy. I am in desperate everyday that there has been permanent damage to my brain and I will never become a normal person again. PLEASE give me some support/encouragement/hope that I will be back to normal. PLEASE feel free to blame me for being so stupid. I feel lonely, helpless and desperate.

Hi everyone, please bear with me, I am suffering a lot 😔 So I was diagnosed with MDD and prescribed Mirtazipine at an initial dose of 15mg for one week, then went up to 30mg. All was great for about three months, then the side-effects started… I decided to cut my dose in half, after trying to contact my psychiatrist and having him advise me to do this through the nurse on the phone 🤯 One week on I woke up with the worst symptoms and got taken to the ER. I later received a positive COVID test, so decided this was what it was. I now believe it was not COVID; I was in withdrawal with no clue. I began getting heart palpitations at around that time and they were there all throughout the day. So I made the decision to give up the drug completely CT (on the advice of another GP). Two weeks on from that and I am struggling BIG-TIME. Have just made up my first batch of medicine for reinstatement. Would 1mg be enough, as I am obviously highly sensitive and it has been quite a long time since I stopped. What do the moderators think of this please? I want to feel some relief of my overwhelming nausea and insomnia soon!

Hi all. I have been on a combo of Risperdal and Zoloft since 2012. I reached 3mg risperdal and 200mg zoloft in early 2016, tried to taper off both starting in June of that year, and had a bout of insomnia in November, at which time I reinstated along with an additional 15mg remeron. Adding the remeron, I've learned, was a huge mistake and most likely unnecessary. Since then I've slept at most 6 hours instead of my usual 8. For the first 2 months on remeron I avoided caffeine and tobacco. Then, after picking up both again, my sleep suffered, and I eventually had nights with 2-3 hours. I've since learned that caffeine and tobacco induce the enzyme CYP1A2, which metabolizes remeron, explaining this. By abstaining from both, my sleep has returned. I have also tried shaving a sliver off my 15mg pill with no luck...getting a full night without sleep. I would like to be able to drink coffee and smoke again. That leaves me with 2 options, get off the remeron (seemingly impossible) or tolerate the lack of sleep. If I do the latter, will my sleep eventually not recover even when abstinent due to repeated withdrawals? I had been planning to use coffee and cigs only sporadically, letting my sleep return before using them again, or using only on the weekends. If I that is not sustainable, then how do you recommend I get off the remeron, given my sensitivity to even a small dose decrease? My doc has suggested trazodone as a replacement, but that med interacts with my other meds and a post about it here scared me away. Thank you so much for your help.

Hi everybody I'm Soren from Denmark, 50 years old, and just started tapering 18 years of Mirtazapine-use. Earlier I have tried to withdraw from mirtazapine three times and every time by doctors instructions (50% two weeks, 50% of the remaining dose two weeks, then stop), and the last time I nearly hurt my beloved cat in rage. It was the most frightening out of control experience and periode in my life. I'm not long into my taper (down to 20 mg from 30 mg) and my taper it is going well at the moment (5% every three weeks). As almost universally experienced by other mirtazapine 'withdrawalees' I suffer day 4 or 5 after a reduction, but come day 8 and I am stabilized and on day 10 I feel a little better than before the reduction. I will write more about my experience with both citalopram, brintellix (trintellix), and mirtazapine later but for know I just want to say thank you. You see I have for over 6 months been browsing survivingantidepressants and even though I can feel the heartbroken, desperate loneliness in peoples struggles, I feel that you are a little more non-lonely when when you are visible for each other. More importantly I will no longer just be a browsing antidepressant surviver. If I (and everybody else who are anonymously browsing) continue to free ride on sites like surviving antidepressants the real magnitude of the antidepressant problem will never be known and the work you do never be recognized (enough). I have seen somewhere (maybe a YouTube video) that survivingantidepressants.org has over 14.000 members. My guess is for every site-member in the withdrawal community (on FB-groups, twitter, RxISK, innercompass etc) there are +1000 more browsing non members out there. So here you have one more grateful member so you hugely important work can become a little more visible. Soren from Denmark

Hello, I am a 50 year old woman with a history of depression. Here is my story and it is a long one, be warned - if you aren't in the mood for a long history, skip this now LOL! I'm one of those people whose family relations have also had histories of depression, and depression became an issue for me from maybe 10 years old and up, though no one really recognized it. I became bulimic at 16 and remained so for much of my adult life until about eight years ago. My adult-hood has been one of perfectionism, low self-esteem and under-performing, with all the self-hatred that that generates. My first experience with medication came after a rough relationship where I ended up feeling suicidal. I was put on Prozac. I think back to that being the beginning of the rest of my adulthood with virtually no libido. A major move after marriage led me to more depression, and at that time Wellbutrin was being marketed heavily, so I asked my GP to put me on it. No tapering of the Prozac, if I recall. Wellbutrin didn't work, but now I realize it was probably in part because I was having withdrawal from the Prozac - not sure and I don't have a lot of memories about that period one way or another. I forget if I continued the Wellbutrin up to the next change, but I had gotten the flu which turned into pneumonia for a month, and when I went to the doctor after that long of not getting better, he said "you are depressed." Well, yes, I said, I am depressed because of being sick this long! And he said, No, you are clearly a generally depressed person and you should see a p-doc. So, I did, and that doc put me on Effexor. This was somewhere back around 11 years ago. I upped the dose as they directed. I never felt like my depression was well-controlled because none of the therapy I had over the years was CBT - talk therapy would make me feel better for the moment but no change took place, so the low self-esteem and negative thinking remained. I guess the Effexor somehow made my life more tolerable, but I never felt happy or satisfied with myself. Somewhere along the line I began to taper down on the Effexor, and I have very few memories of when, how or why, other than that I hated needing ADs, and my libido sucked. A move and the loss of an old dog sent me into another bad depression, but this well could have coincided with stepping down the Effexor. Three years ago, I lost my job, and then my husband lost his, but then he got a new one which required relocating to a very hot climate where we were able to afford a home with acreage, the first time we were ever able to own, but it was very rural and the isolation quickly got to me, with anxiety increasing for various reasons. Again, I don't remember the stepping down process, but two years ago a new GP refilled my Effexor but prescribed the non-extended release version. Since these tablets were able to be broken, I began taking just half (37.5 mg). Last summer I had a bought of shingles and became very depressed and stressed again from the pain. I also was clearly in menopause and having severe hot flashes. My whole adult life had been marred by low libido since going on Prozac way back when, and the shingles were actually on my private parts (tested positive for zoster, not herpes) and I became very concerned that I didn't want the rest of my life to be joyless where sex was concerned, so I decided to go off BCPs and Effexor. In hind sight, that was madness! I stepped down the Effexor, going to every other day with the 37.5 mg. I wasn't aware of any severe symptoms, and this was last summer. Well, meanwhile, I was going through some stresses regarding a health crisis with one of my dogs. I found myself totally scatter-brained, forgetful, unable to concentrate, and also I had trouble articulating myself, unable to complete thoughts when talking with people, words hard to reach. A friend told me he always thought I was ADD, and indeed at this time I was losing things, forgetting what I was doing halfway through doing it, easily distracted, etc. I'm also a total clutter-bug who can't face doing the dishes or cleaning the house, though I've been that way for years. I had started taking Sam-e and tryptophan as a way to up serotonin. I was having a terrible time with insomnia. So, I went to get tested for ADD. I tested negative, but the psychologist doing the testing said I didn't have ADD, but that I did have OCD, depression, and GAD. He said, the good news is that there are medications that can make you "normal!" I bit, and went to a p-doc on a list he gave me. She put me on Viibryd. I stopped the serotonergic supplements. The first week at 10 mg was ok, but when I went up to 20 mg as instructed, all hell broke loose! My insomnia worsened, with the most severe anxiety I think I had ever experienced! All night I was thrashing around with racing, troubling thoughts. During the day, I would have squirts of adrenalin for no reason. I had days where I was so distressed and troubled, I couldn't stand to exist. I had global anxiety about climate change, getting old, my parents getting old losing them some day, the drought and how horrible life was! I have never experienced anxiety like that in my life! I stepped the Viibryd back down to 10 mg for about a week and then stopped it, and went back on the supplements. This time I was trying to follow the supplement plan laid out in the Mood Cure, adding GABA and some other stuff. I'd do ok for awhile, but the insomnia was still bad, and the general feeling of being ill-at-ease was so disturbing, I just couldn't stand it. So, I stopped the supplements and started taking 37.5 mg of Effexor again. After three days, I was in serotonin syndrome almost to the point of having to go to the ER! I stopped the Effexor and got an appointment with another p-doc who is a DO and actually not into psych meds. He said I'd been through about 3 years' worth of med changes in a very short period of time and that my nerves were very sensitive and that I needed consistency. He went through the meds and supplements I had a history with, and told me which supplements were safe to take (non-serotonergic). Since I had not been able to eat and lost weight, and the insomnia was so bad, he put me on Remeron, saying it was a very gentle med that worked on a different part of the serotonin pathway, and that it would help with sleep and appetite. He started me on 7.5 mg and said I could step it up as needed, that it was safe up to 60 mg. Well, I felt much better and it was nice to sleep all through the night without anxiety again. Yeah! But after a week, I was feeling down again so started upping the dose. Two weeks later I was at 37.5 mg, feeling totally apathetic and on the couch, unable to do anything I had previously enjoyed in life. I couldn't understand why the med wasn't working anymore! I was in a desperate way and called this p-doc's assistant, the fastest way to get to him, he said. I left four messages and never heard back! I suffered through to my next scheduled appointment with him two weeks later, and suffering it was! My family members were greatly concerned. The only thing that kept me going through this spell was the fact that a therapist I had recently seen told me about Emotional Brain Training, which I joined. It was developed by Laurel Mellin at UCSF and is based on neuroplasticity and rewiring the brain. It was perfect for me because I lived in the country, was isolated, and the city is 40 minutes away, so I was able to get support from home with weekly phone-in meetings with a coach and group members, daily work online, and daily phone-connections with group members. I am not hawking this, but if you want to learn more about it, go to www.ebt.org. Anyway, EBT kept me from going down the tubes through all of this. When I saw my p-doc, he said "let's add Effexor back to the remeron since you tolerated it well in the past." I started on 37.5 mg. The day I took it, I was having a non-functional couch day, and I would say within an hour of taking it, my mood lifted, like a light switch had been flipped! It was miraculous! Now, everyone knows that ADs are supposed to take weeks to start working. I now realize that the reason it worked so fast was because I was in withdrawal and it was like a junkie getting a hit of the drug they are withdrawing from - instant fix! Ok, I know my story is long but the final chapter is here: I added the Effexor back about 12 days ago. I actually had one day, about a week into it, where I was on the couch again. The next day, I saw a third p-doc my therapist said I should see since I had such a bad experience with the last guy's non-responsiveness when I left those messages. So, I saw this new guy on Wednesday. I didn't yet realize that all of the craziness I had endured since last fall was because of the withdrawal. I was convinced that genetically, I just had to be on ADs, that I had relapsed in a big way. I did think that the Viibryd had damaged me, since I had never experienced anxiety to that degree before, nor had I had depression this debilitating. This new guy said, "let's stick with this for now, since you haven't been on the Effexor long enough to see how it will work for you, but I want to up it to 75 mg (thanks to that couch day). We may end up changing you to other meds, but let's see how this goes for now." So, I began taking 75 mg Effexor ER on Thursday. It just so happens that one of my EBT connection buddies is going through withdrawal from ADs that she was put on for post-partum depression 8 years ago. She told me about this, and referred me to a neat video about neuroplasticity on beyondmeds.com. Her point in doing so was to point out about how EBT is so dead-on about retraining the brain, but in fact I had locked on to concept of withdrawal, and I began to realize that this was so much of what I had and am still going through, and this is why the Effexor worked immediately! So, I am faced with the fact that I am now back on the drug that I was hooked on. For now, I need to be consistent and not change anything, though I am going back to 37.5 mg Effexor since I'd only been on the higher dose for a couple of days. I will ride this out until my next appointment with the p-doc in five weeks. I am worried that he will be one to poo-poo withdrawal. I feel like, for the first time in my life, I am getting the cognitive help I need to eliminate the poor self-esteem and my negative black and white thinking that has ruined my life and got me started on ADs to begin with. I feel this will be critical to getting off these drugs some day. I feel so grateful to the universe for bringing me together with my connection buddy who brought this all to light for me. And beyondmeds.com brought me here.