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  1. Hello everyone, this is my first post. I want to start by saying that I am very grateful that this site exists, it has helped me and many others a lot to understand more about our subjective experiences with these drugs. I am 27 years old and I think I need help sorting out my sertraline experiences. It all started when I was 19 years old, I had a very bad, intense and emotionally overwhelming quarter life crisis. After a year and a half of being isolated at home, I was involuntarily admitted to a psychiatric ward when I was 20 years old. My treatment with Sertraline began there (see my signature), without informed consent, as usually happens. When I started taking Sertraline I was already very confused and scared, after that period of isolation, so it became even more difficult for me to understand what happened to me. I more or less rebuilt my life for the next few years. I remember that in 2018 I told my psychiatrist when I could stop taking the pills and she told me that I had to take them for the rest of my life (I have had a psychiatric diagnosis of OCD since my involuntary admission). I told her that I wanted to stop because of the side effects or something, she told me to try tappering and give it a try, to see how I was doing without the pills. In the end, after a while, I went back to taking the pills in the same amount as before, 50 mg. Now it's summer 2019, I don't remember much or clearly about that time of my life and those years. I think at some point I started tappering in September or so, but I remember that the last months of 2019, from October to December, I stopped and went back on the pills several times by myself, because I stopped going to my psychiatrist (probably because I didn't trust her and/or felt betrayed after being told I had to take sertraline for the rest of my life, no one told me when I took the pills in February 2017). It was chaotic. I decided not to take them anymore, and I became more emotionally unstable, I think I was experiencing withdrawal symptoms, but I didn't know then, my psychiatrist just told me very briefly about the "rebound effect". April 2020, it's the COVID-19 lockdown, my anxiety is very high and I don't like how I feel, I feel unstable, so I go back to 50mg again. I was already in bad enough shape, mentally and emotionally. I also lived with my parents and they stressed me a lot. I stayed on that dose until the last days of August 2020, when I stopped taking them cold turkey after 4-5 months of taking the pills. Then in September my withdrawal kicked in. But it kicked harder in the following months and June/summer 2021. This time, at the end of 2020, it also coincided with the end and breakup of a very toxic relationship that I had, which ended very badly for me. I lost control of my emotions and got stuck in a fight and flight stress/trauma response. I think in the last few months of 2021 and the first half of 2022 I also experienced very bad withdrawal waves. Back then, withdrawal was not something that was on my mind, I didn't think about it. In Jan or Feb 2021 I also took Sertraline again, I can't remember if 25mg or 50mg, for a one or two weeks, maybe three but I don't think I reached week three. I also think in 2019 that dose of sertraline didn't work anymore because of how I felt, I was probably experiencing withdrawal before I even quit Cold Turkey and/or tapped. For the next 3 years I have been trying to figure out what happened to me and learning about sertraline effects, side and adverse effects and withdrawal. I'm still recovering from all this chaos, it was too much. For the last year I have been trying to stabilize myself, my mind, and calm my body. My mind is still confused and shocked by the experiences I had, especially since September 2020, I have a hard time remembering many things, emotions and feelings that I had. I would like to hear other people's opinions and advice. Thank you for reading.
  2. Hi there, Been using antidepressants for nearly 20 years. Started with Prozac, then citalopram, escitalopram, Zoloft, Cymbalta, amitriptyline, Remeron, tried Lyrica and some others as well. Nice years ago I tried to stop cold turkey (I was taking 20 mg citralopram back then) and had the worst year of my life after that decision. Had conflicts with everyone, had terrible back pain, living was Hell. Now I'm back a tapering, because at some point it was too much: I was drinking alcohol, drinking coffee, needed 20 mg melatonin to get asleep, took L-theanine, Remeron that knocked me off, 20 mg amitriptyline and 60 mg Cymbalta. I had ED from Remeron and the others, and felt really bad. Enough was enough. So I changed things. In the last month, I eliminated everything except for the Cymbalta. I stopped alcohol, caffeine, amitriptyline, Remeron, L-theanine, and melatonin. And I started tapering off Cymbalta, going down 3 mg each week for 10 weeks, which is my objective, to be at 30 mg for winter and maybe try to taper off again next Spring. So far it's difficult. Anxiety is going through the roof, sleep is only marginally better, feel anger all the time. I take magnesium, D3 and K2 to help me, but it only helps a bit. Is my tapering strategy too fast? Any advice? Should I keep going or stabilize first, and any way to manage anxiety? Any supplement that could help? I think I was vitamin depleted from so many years of AD... Thanks
  3. Hi folks, TLDR: Too fast taper off 50mg Zoloft July/August 2023; withdrawal became intense in Nov 2023 and continues to today. Wedding is in early May so stress isn't stopping. Should I reinstate or keep going? Ok so, I've been creeping on the site here for a couple weeks, and was very excited when February 1st rolled around so I could register myself. I'd love to hear any advice or input on my situation. I've summarized my med history in my signature but here's the full story of where I'm at: In 2010 I started having panic attacks during sophomore year of college. These panic attacks were coupled with anxiety and severe gastric distress so I ended up dropping about 10 pounds and going to a Gastroenterologist because I thought I had IBS. The doc informed me it was not IBS, but that I had anxiety, and he prescribed me 20mg of Celexa which I began taking in November 2010. I also did exposure therapy through the university, and was diagnosed with panic disorder. With the medicine, my symptoms got better and I finished college in 2013 thinking "if it ain't broke don't fix it". In 2014 I made a random med change from Celexa to Lexapro, I don't think I had a real reason other than maybe thought I had gained weight from the Celexa so I switched? I continued on with 20mg Lexapro from 2014 until February/March of 2020. At that time, I was in really wonderful and healthy relationship, had just received a new job offer and felt really stable and content in my life. I hadn't had a panic attack in years and had always wanted to stop taking the meds, so with the help of a NP at a psych office, I weaned (far too quickly), taking 10 mg for 2-3 weeks, and then 5 or so every other day till I was at 0mg in the end of April 2020. Withdrawal aside, there were a lot of reasons this was stupid and I was ill prepared but I didn't realize that at the time. From May-July 2020 I experienced flu like symptoms, a plethora of brain zaps, SI, and some of the worst anxiety and depression I've ever experienced, much worse than my original condition. With no end to the pandemic in sight, and thinking it was just me, and I couldn't handle life without an SSRI, I went back to my NP at the psych office and reinstated with 50mg of Zoloft. We chose Zoloft because the physical symptoms of withdrawal from the lexapro were so bad she thought I might react better to the Zoloft instead. Ok, so I took 50 mg of Zoloft from July 2020 to June of 2023. The entire time I was on it I knew I wanted to try weaning again but wanted to take steps to make sure I was in a better place. I began heavily limiting my alcohol, caffeine, and sugar intake (things that were very high during the first attempt), made a lot of progress in therapy, got off of hormonal birth control, and started seeing a functional medicine doctor (FMD) to test my hormones and make sure those were as stable as they could be since we suspected I deal with PMDD. I worked with both my FMD and my GP to get a taper schedule together, and I thought I was doing it much slower than the first time. I tapered to 25mg during July 2023, and immediately had so much more energy and emotion than I had had for the last 12+ years. I cried a lot and often out of no where, but that and energy seemed to be the only side effects I noticed. In August 2023 I took 12.5mg daily for ~ 2 weeks, and then 12.5mg every other day for ~2 weeks after that. During this time I was also in the thick of training for a marathon, so I was running around 30 miles a week, the sun was out, I wasn't really drinking and life felt pretty manageable! After talking to some folks I really trust, I also had begun micro dosing ~125mg Psilocybin for a few days a week (~July-January) to help bridge the gap of coming off the Zoloft. I had some possible mild akathisia during this time, but I thought it was just from the running, and I also would get really nervous and have gastric distress before I went out on runs, but again - I thought it seemed normal to have a little panic before running 15+ miles 🤷‍♀️. I completed the marathon in the first week of October and slowly started consuming a bit more alcohol here and there, I don't think I ever actually got drunk at any point, but maybe 3ish drinks in a night every couple of weekends max. End of October /beginning of November 2023 was around when the anxiety and insomnia started. Which then after a trip to Mexico for a wedding, and drinking ~1 drink a night for the week + more the wedding weekend, I felt like I completely regressed with my anxiety and depression symptoms. Everything "came back" like it had in 2020 with a vengeance, I was 10x more anxious, suddenly depressed, incredibly irritable and annoyed by my partner, living in a pit of comparison, going through awful waves of gastric distress and nausea, crying all the time (though that had been there since tapering started), could get 0 pleasure, excitement or hope out of life and waking up with panic out of nowhere at 4 and 5 in the morning. This continued in what I called a "roller coaster" (waves/windows) From Nov 2023 to now. I didn't realize this was still withdrawals or that it even could be until the middle of January when I found this group by way of another facebook group I'm in and felt like it was an answered prayer. Just even to have a name to put to what I was experiencing, and seeing so many other people share the same issues I was experiencing. The constant crying, the waves and windows of anxiety and depression etc. I couldn't believe we all had been given such short taper plans by doctors, and was kicking myself for not finding out about this hyperbolic taper concept earlier, but alas... So! What I'm seeking is advice. My partner and I are getting married in early May 2024, and I am terrified of being in this depressed/agitated state (where often he is getting the brunt of my mood) on our wedding day. Stress isn't really able to be lowered at this time, with the wedding coming up, being understaffed at work, and us moving states this summer. My partner is incredibly understanding and supportive, and I've taken steps from what I've learned here to lower the stress on my CNS as much as possible: I'm not drinking or indulging in THC, I stopped the micro dosing mid January, I try to get 8-9 hrs of sleep every night, I exercise daily, take morning walks, eat a whole foods diet, go to therapy weekly, meditate and breathe daily, do cold exposure 4x a week, you name it I'm probably doing it. I track my waves and windows, but at this rate I don't see an end to them in the near future. I'm around 5 months into 0mg, should I reinstate at .5mg Zoloft and see if that curbs my waves and windows or just continue to push through? Thank you so much for reading, any advice is appreciated and valued!
  4. Hello, this is my first post and I’m really looking for some help Here is my story, so for the past three years I have been on 50mg Sertraline/ Zoloft for Panic Attacks, Anxiety and Depression. I decided to come off of them from the beginning of this year and then had a delayed withdrawal symptoms three weeks from my last dose. I then reinstated on the same medication and for 2 weeks and 5 days experiences awful side effects even worse compared to the first time I went on it, the main cause for concern it making me have suicidal thoughts and feelings, which led me to CT with the advice of my doctor. From what I have found is that the medication may have exasperated my discontinuation symptoms. For a month after I experienced discontinuation symtpoms including Acute anxiety and dread Waking up anxious Low mood Depression Feeling extreme weariness (the worst) Nightmares Decreased appetite Mild insomnia - waking up several times throughout the night and early morning wake ups Confusion Brain fog - words and sentences seeming jumbled or muddled Intrusive suicidal thoughts Suicidal feelings Crying spells Mood swings Irritibility Racing thoughts Anhedonia Poor concentration - unable to read or listen to music Mild memory loss Derealisation / Depersonalisation Flu-symptoms Mild vertigo Tingling sensations Smelling things that aren’t there Diarrhoea Lack of labido Light sensitivity Eye floaters 5 weeks later and most of these are gone, I had a streak of 6 days where I felt fantastic, I felt like I could manage my anxiety and depression and I was just left with what I’m usually used to. However, I feel awful again, but I am unsure if this is a “relapse” to what my natural mental state is or if I’m still experiencing mild withdrawal. I noticed yesterday that I kept repeating a words that I was reading from signs I walked past, I have quite bad health anxiety and seeing as this is unrelated to anxiety and more OCD, it’s freaking me out thinking I might be developing it. But, when I read about OCD it doesn’t entirely relate to what I’m like, I’ve always been more anxious and depressed, I don’t perform rituals in my mind or physically. I do have worries about losing control and horrible instrusive thoughts but I always assumed that it suited my anxiety rather than OCD. I have had repetitive words happen to me a few times even while I was on the meds, but to a point that it didn’t concern me, probably a total of 5 days out of the three years. I also remember right at the beginning of my experiences with mental health that I did sometimes count things but could easily stop. But im unable to remember if this is when I started the sertraline or before. Now I’m off of them I’m unsure if this is a diagnosis that has been unnnoticed (as I did go onto AD fairly quickly) or if this is an effect of SSRI meds and the withdrawal? I also had about a 5 day bout when I recently reinstated my meds experiencing a compulsion to touch my nose over and over, however I resisted it to the point that it went quickly and figured that it was my brain confused coming off and on the medication and the effects on my nervous system, and that I had read somewhere that the end of someone’s nose also felt quite strange coming off medication and that it can be anxiety related. I do feel that as a person my anxiety fixates on health problems and then acts them out in hypothetical situations, so I used to worry about schizophrenia so when my anxiety was bad I would imagine voices talking to me, even though I was not psychotic. I think the same thing happens with my current worry of OCD, that my brain is acting it out playing on my worries, rather than the typical sense of OCD using those thoughts to neutralise worries. If that makes sense. Im also beginning to experience Earworms, parts of songs annoyingly repeating in my head. Has as anyone got some incite to how I’m feeling or if they have had similar experiences? Is it because of the medication, the discontinuation, or should I have something to worry about in terms of OCD? And most importantly, can people experience mild symptoms of OCD but mainly have anxiety? I.e can anxiety borrow tendencies from OCD without it being OCD. I feel a lot better without all the nasty discontinuation symptoms, but now I just feel awfully trapped between coming off medication or having to one day maybe reinstate because I’d be unable to deal with what I’m like off of them and this mental discomfort. All the stories on here scare the life out of me, however both options appear terrifying- being off medication and going back on them. I don’t ever want to experience being suicidal again, but I don’t want to be crippled with anxiety and new symptoms that seem scary to manage. So confusing. Hopefully I’ve been as informative and concise as possible. Would love to hear from you all!
  5. Hi, I’ve taken zoloft 50mg 14 years non-stop. Later years felt numbed, disinterest, vision problems, inner shakes, burning weird headache etc. First doctor wanted to increase dose but I felt so bad we stopped it. Later on decreased dose with 12,5mg. In few days had symptoms and got advised to go back to 50mg - adverse effect and became worse. Muscle twitching, heart palpitations, aggression, intensive suicide thoughts, burning in head felt like electricity. Went to clinic first time. They said stress. Then another doctor said it could be serotonin syndrome or akathisia. Months went by with severe side effects. Difficult position having side effects from taken zoloft but also from reducing it. Went into clinic to get help to reduce. 25mg cut ”your on observation”. The fifth day I didnt get anything and said - Stop, you cannot do this in five days!!? 50mg to zero 😕. I left. Was told by doctor ”you can't go back now because then you'll get really sick”. Its 10 weeks since cut from 50 to 25. At first felt ”ok” but third week came most of the hard WD. Mostly in bed for weeks: weekness, extreme fatigue, cognitive memory, difficulties to walk, palpitations, buzzing electric sensations with headache, pain in body neck shoulders, blurred weird vision diziness disoriented. Few times also feeling little more presence than zombie-feeling. But it feels like senses are overwhelmed to take in impressions. Been taking Zoloft for so long I don’t know how it is without. Think Im breaking down Zoloft slowly and sensitive but haven’t checked it out. Right now my worst WD is severe headache in different places, pressure in head, eyes down my neck and in general feel week and lost. Some days been unbearable. Brainfog, cognitive (to write this). No energy, electric buzzing head, achy, stiffness, feeling behind and sensitive to noise and light. Tried few walks but body mostly says No. I know it's a too big reduction but was hoping. Had severe side effects and heard that the last 25mg is the hardest, would do it very slowly. Worried that maybe WD will be delayed and could be worse... Is it common for Zoloft (short half-life)? Thinking about long time effects and if I made a to big cut for the system. Also worried how tough 25mg reducing is for my heart, female 50 year. Could it be dangerous? Its 10 weeks since cut, is it even possible to reinstate and how small amount? I dont know…trying to hold on, wait, and just feels good to be here…
  6. Hi everyone, I’m really suffering with unbearable anxiety. I’ve got a long history with Zoloft and akathisia when I’ve reinstated once I found withdrawal symptoms, I’m bearable. Of course, the akathisia was worse than the withdrawal symptoms, and all I can’t do it again, even though in the end, I’d reach stability on the Zoloft. I’ve always wanted to be of these drugs, but it’s just been way too hard. I’m 54 years old. For the last four years I’ve been really well but I had some health anxiety. Some health issues come up and I’m now feeling just terrible. I’m in a state of continual movement and agitation and anxiety. It’s not full blown akathisia but it’s got some part of it. I feel so worried. I’m wondering if this is like a late onset withdrawal. I tapered from 50 mg of Zoloft down to 25 mg by reducing my dose by 2 mg every three months until using a compounding pharmacist until I was 25 and I’ve been there for nine months, but now after nine months I’m feeling like I’m in withdrawal and it’s horrific. I’m trying to avoid to marzipan, but some nights I just feel I need relief. sometimes I’m using a little bit of Carver and some herbs from the naturopath. I just want to know is this is this possible that stress could bring on a late onset of withdrawal? Has anyone had this happened to them before thank you
  7. Hey all, From original topic title: 8 months of hypomania, increasing irritability, two major manic episodes, then CT Wish I found this site before. Prescribed 50 mg in October 2018, reported immediate response, eventually asked to cut the dose to 25 mg when symptoms were arising more frequently. Doc said go up to 100 mg, thankfully I disagreed and we went down instead. Kept having increasing symptoms and eventually started taking 12.5 mg twice a day thinking I was a fast metabolizer. Then: suicidal ideation and one hell-ish manic episode (with a good 50 mini-episodes over a months time). Quit CT once I learned what was happening. BP2 diagnosis came, but now a month removed from sertraline, I don’t see it. I’m dealing with some crazy withdrawal symptoms... mostly headaches and irritability. I sometimes blink really hard, kind of like a brain zap. I’m on intermittent leave from work, and didn’t burn all the bridges I have, but came damn close. now I’m learning healing takes months/years. Why is this a drug prescribed so frequently? What a nightmare it has been.
  8. Hello everyone, I am hoping to get some feedback from someone and possibly some hope. I am attaching my medication history: Celexa 20mg January 2014- June 2019 Tried to stop cold turkey for a few days in February 2015, resumed normal dose Zoloft 38.5mg June 2019-August 2021 Weaned to 25 mg Started Wellbutrin 150mg November 2021 Stopped Wellbutrin cold turkey February 2022 Started Trintellix March 2022 Stopped taking Zoloft after decreasing to about 8mg in June 2022 Discontinued Trintellix July 2022 after having crippling panic attacks Restarted 12mg of Zoloft July 2022 (panic subsides for a few weeks, then BOOM, right back) Increased to 18.5mg of Zoloft August 2022, followed same pattern as above. Panic attacks gone for a few weeks and now back full force I have been having horrible, crippling panic attacks for the last few months. I have NEVER had anxiety! I wanted to stop taking Zoloft because of the sexual side effects and I am not even sure I actually needed to be on antidepressants in the first place. I blindly, and ignorantly, agreed to take Zoloft initially because someone said it would help me sleep through a difficult period in my life. 9 years later and here we are. I feel so alone. My doctor thinks I am crazy if I mention post acute withdrawal and wants to put me on more meds. He even offered me benzos knowing that I am in long term substance abuse recovery. Does anyone out there have any experience with developing panic attacks after trying to decrease/stop ssri's? I am desperate.
  9. I was on antidepressants for 16 years - mostly SSRIs and Wellbutrin. Today I am celebrating being off of them for 5 years. It was a very difficult road, but I am, for all intents and purposes, recovered. My life is normal now. What few symptoms I have are almost nonexistent, brief and passing, bearable. So many times through the dark tunnel to today I thought I was damned forever, but I made it out. My first answers came from this site, and I am thankful. If you are in that horrible dark tunnel, hang on. Know that even if you don't see the light now, it will come. Keep walking.
  10. Hello, Please can you provide some advice, I am reluctant to follow advice received off of my GP to lower to 25mg for two weeks then stop upon carrying out a lot of research. I have been looking at the hyperbolic taper and the 10% method, which is more effective and could you recommend an example tapering schedule based on being on sertraline 50mg for 3.5 months and best way to carry it out? Will enquire about liquid solution availability at next appt next week to discuss again, currently only have access to 50mg tablets that can be split in 2 (two 25mg halves if split) Started due to an anxiety episode which was getting no better, now on sertraline have been at pre-anxiety levels for quite some time and looking to taper off as agreed with doc. Also weening off omeprazole 20mg for another week, unsure if this will make a difference. Many Thanks.
  11. Hello, This is my first post on this forum after lurking for a couple years while tapering off of Zoloft, starting at age 20. I thought I had the taper under control for most of that time, but all the changes seem to have caught up with me. I am feeling skeptical that this is going to pass and that I will ever be able to get off of this medication. Anxiety, panic attacks, and physical disorientation and discomfort have kept me effectively homebound for a few months now, with no sign of cessation; it is discomfort far greater than I have ever experienced in my life. My sleep is often interrupted, and sometimes I am awake for up to 40 hours at a time due to physical stress. I cannot walk around my neighbourhood, let alone take the bus, go to the store, or participate in work or school; I can do very little physical activity at home, and have to be extremely cautious with my dietary choices. I am currently taking no supplements, but I am considering trying L-Theanine or Taurine, which I understand to be neuroprotective. Gabapentin seemingly helped me through medication changes in the past before, but I am skeptical of adding a new drug into the mix. My doctor had been helpful with the taper, but suddenly changed her tune after I was finally honest about the problems I was having, and is now of the opinion that I need to be on this drug forever (her words), completely disregarding the fact that many of my symptoms are purely physical and could not be explained by my "original condition" (as she maintains is the case.) Additionally, I have been adamant that going back on medication is not an option; Zoloft caused me to uncontrollably engage in extremely self-destructive and reckless behaviour (drinking by myself until passing out, sleeping with strangers using no protection, reckless driving); prior to taking medication, I was a quiet, introverted guy who liked gaming and fantasy literature, and had neither taken a sip of alcohol nor intended to. I also believe it is responsible for a sudden complete and unprecedented shift in sexuality (from heterosexuality to homosexuality) and strong gender dysphoria. I do not know which mechanism of the drug could have caused this, but there is no other suitable explanation, as these acquired traits have both completely subsided, directly synchronous with my taper. When I told my doctor that the medication had these effects on me, she prescribed me Seroquel (which I am, of course, not taking); despite my calm demeanour over the phone, she clearly thinks that I am delusional. I certainly learned my lesson through this, and will no longer say any more than is necessary to avoid seeming belligerent. Out of all the people in my life, only my mother and my girlfriend believe me that Zoloft caused me to have this dramatic personality shift that endangered my life, and they are both very supportive of me in general. My father, who is currently financially supporting me, albeit reluctantly, is of the same mind as my doctor; he believes that I have a genetic defect and must be medicated permanently. Overall, however, he has been surprisingly tolerant, and I have a safe place to live where my needs are being taken care of. I have undergone thorough medical examination, and have been determined to be in good physical health, aside from a recent POTS diagnosis that I believe is a result of my taper and is causing many of my symptoms. To sum everything up: I am trapped in a world of discomfort, and have no idea what my next steps should be. Any help at all is appreciated. I am only a young guy, and the future is not looking bright right now. I am really scared that I have damaged my body and brain beyond repair both by taking the medication for so long at such a high dose and in tapering improperly. Having said that, I am feeling much more like myself, and I know that I am on the right track. P.S. I apologize if any part of my post violates content guidelines. I was aiming for as much clarity as possible but any offending parts can certainly be removed.
  12. Hey everyone, I’ve been meaning to post here for a while. i was on zoloft from 2011, was prescribed 50mg but shortly went up to 100mg after a few months. I started to taper around April 2021 and did so over a whole year, reaching 0mg by April 2022. The withdrawals started to appear around a month later in May, it was literally hell on earth. Waking up at 05:00 every morning in an anxiety attack which would then keep me in a state of constant anxiety and depression until around 7pm where my nerves seemed to just drop from the stress and the cycle would repeat itself the morning after. This went on for about 5 months and this forum is one of the few things that kept me going, if there was a light at the end of the tunnel, I was going to stand my ground until then. I could not be alone, I would use every chance I could get these 5 months to run, I ran and ran hoping it would give me some respite since my soul already felt like it was burning. I coped by talking to friends and family about what I wasgoing through, a lot, I cannot suffer in silence since it makes it infinitely worse so I felt compelled to, it helped and they were supportive. I thought that if I get even 0.5% better each day, I would get better eventually. I broke down many times crying, wanting to end it all instead of living in this hell but then there came a day where I noticed a tiny improvement and thought to myself that I could keep scaling that improvement. In September I started seeing real results and I kept taking care of myself emotionally and physically. No tobacco, drugs or alchohol at any time. Fast forward to summer of 2023 and I’m better than I ever have been. Fall 2023 and I am way better than I was on medication and genuinely happy for the first time in such a long time, and it’s all just me, no medication or SO. Hang in there, cope and strive with healthy methods and you will make it.
  13. Hi Everyone, I'm a college kid, and was on zoloft (100mg) for 1.5 years before I tapered off and has been off since March 2023. Zoloft did save my life as I struggled with PTSD before coming to college. Once I was stabilized on zoloft, I felt like I was out of the woods. But no, the tapering process has been a different hell. I experienced the worst withdrawal symptoms about 5 weeks since my last dose. This didn't help either especially I'm still at school. Last semester, I took two literature courses for my major, and ended up dropping one and almost failing another. During my finals period, I couldn't do anything and was on the verge of failing until I opened up about my struggle (but in a very unfortunate way) to my professor and now I think she is really hesitant to have me as a student. Literature/books used to be my favorite thing in the world, now I couldn't even understand what is happening on the page. I am scared that the withdrawal is damaging me, and I am scared I won't be able to heal in time to catch up with the requirements, and will eventually fail college altogether, and I am not sure what to do. I am about 3.5 months since my last dose, and I think I have been through the worst possible phase of withdrawal; however, I am still experiencing a type of despair/depression that I have never experienced before, and even though there were windows and waves that I have noticed, I am very scared about my future. I know that alongside of this depression is this nagging sense that something (spiritually) is wrong with me, and I have been trying to get back in touch with my inner life, but it's been very hard. I still have 2 years left at college, and as an international student from a poor family, I have worked very hard to get to where I am, and I don't have an alternative (transfer/taking a leave of absence bc of my scholarship). I just want to know for those experiencing zoloft withdrawal, how long does it take? especially for those who are still college students, how are you dealing with it, with all the uncertainty, the griefs of letting go some of the stuff that you so aspire?
  14. Hi everyone, I told myself that if I ever make it out of this experience, I want to go back and give hope to others who are going through it. Around a year ago, I stopped setraline after a year and a half (including 8 months tapering). The weariness kicked in slowly, but I did not realize it was because of the withdrawal until I stopped it entirely. When withdrawal started, I kept telling myself to push harder, and harder as that was how I got through tough times before (mind you, I survived PTSD), but the reality was that I just couldn't. My mind started to hurt every time I try to think to an extent where I can't even string a coherent sentence together. The different thing is that during my withdrawal, nothing makes sense, not only cognitively but spiritually. Different from my trauma experience where even though flashbacks and triggers were rampant, there were parts of me that I still connected with and kept me sane, withdrawal felt like my identities and self have been stripped bare. For the following six months, I was what I could only describe as a psychotic break - it almost felt like time was slipping through my fingers, yet every hour that the clocks near my dorm chimed only reminded me of my own mortality. Yet, looking back, it was these little moments to telling myself to keep pushing forward - even though it did not make any sense at the time - that made a difference: getting up every morning despite all the odds and all the inner turmoil ravaging in the back of my head, deciding to push past the terms with every ounce of energy I have (it wasn't perfect, but hey we do what we can with what we have). These little things are pivotal moments that have allowed me to be where I am today. The progression of my withdrawals, as far as I can remember, were as followed -August 2023 (6 months after): this was when I first noticed a small glimpse of windows - a short relief here and there - that indicated that I was going to be alright. My head still hurts when I think, I still have horrible intrusive thoughts and that nothing I did make any sense -September 2023: Started my fall term junior year. I had a lot of grieves on the life path that I couldn't pursue, but I couldn't express any emotions just yet. Fall term was a leap of faith - I did not know if I would make it, but by releasing the academic pressure off my shoulder, I made it through. I was still on a full blown wave when stressed (especially during exams period or so), but deep down I had this feeling that the old me was inside, buried in some corner, but he was still there. There were moments where I did nothing but just crawled in my bed and waited out the waves, and I'm glad I allowed myself those moments. -December 2023: I had moments of doubts on whether I should come back to school. I know that school will only get harder from here, as well as many of the important life choices I will have to make, as well as the dreaded Midwest winter. Yet, I took a leap of faith to come back - and on top of the academic workload I had to manage with summer internship application (yes all of this sounds really vain but if you had asked me if I would be able to manage all of this I would have told you that you must have been crazy) -March 2024: this is truly the timepoint where I finally feel again - I feel grateful, I feel alive, I feel pain, I feel my bottled-up grieved being released (and continues to be released), but most of all, I felt a sense of deeper connection with life itself. I never thought I reached this place in my life where even though life is still a struggle at times, it is a beautiful struggle. On top of that, my constant migraines... just stopped. I'm not sure if this is it, or there will be other waves along, but I have never felt more at peace with everything. I'm not writing this piece to brag about my being able to do things during withdrawal - I think cutting yourself some slacks are necessary to your recovery and survival, something my old self would not have appreciated it. I guess what I am suggesting is that even at the darkest of time, when things felt so absurd and you couldn't think of a way forward, just keep moving, keep putting one foot in front of others, as best as you can. I remember a line from Samuel Beckett that kept me going in the darkest of time : "I can't go on. I will go on." It may not seem like it matters, but it does in retrospect. During my whole experience of withdrawal, I think one epiphany that stuck out to me the most was the paradox of things - that (metaphorical) dying is accompanied with rebirth, and birth with another dying - we are constantly going through these cycles of death and rebirth ourselves, and withdrawal being one of those dark nights of the souls. Know in your darkest of time, when you hurt the most that you are also healing, that your body is working to recalibrate your system and brings you back to homeostasis. This paradox is always at work. Of course, I know I am very lucky circumstance as so many others have taken these medications for so long, or are on a multi-drug cocktail. But just keep going, you will get there. I also want to thank the admins, and the community here for giving me hopes throughout my journey. The sense of community, as well as the success stories were lifeline that I clung onto in moments of chaos. My hopes and wishes are with you all, those who are suffering through this battles as well as those who have survived on the other sides.
  15. Hey all, I was put on 50mg Zoloft in 2012 (21 years old), and been on them since, raising the dose to 100mg in 2015. I started tapering down in June 2021 with about 25mg reduction every 2.5-3 months, hit 0mg in the beginning of April 2022. Didn’t feel any noticeable difference until the morning after a night of drinking on June 10th 2022 and have been having terrible morning anxiety / hopelessness / intrusive thoughts about life regrets every day since. Is it normal for Zoloft withdrawals to suddenly hit you after two months of zero dosage? I was hoping I got lucky after the 1 month mark without feeling any WD symptoms. Also, the withdrawals seem to all but dissipate after ~6pm when it feels like my body is just exhausted which usually brings me relief, I go to bed just to wake up at 03:00-05:00 from pure adrenaline and the cycle repeats itself. What I have been doing to help my recovery is meditating, exercising, saunas, meeting friends as much as I can. I also took a single 7.5mg of Imovane before bedtime two days ago and was able to sleep until 07 which helped the rest of the day tremendously but I don’t want to keep doing that as I want to get back to normal naturally.
  16. hey everyone, I came across this site last week after looking into Reddit for withdrawal/tapering information. Wanted to make an intro post to interact with you all about what I’m going through. So here’s a run down of my history with antidepressants. Zoloft 100mg in 2016 I believe. 2 month taper in February/March 2020. By mid September/October 2020, experiencing severe withdrawals (after moving across the country for a promotion in July 2020). Withdrawals including emotional rollercoaster, depression, anxiety, paranoia, extreme muscle rigidity. At this point, with having been off Zoloft for so long, I really didn’t think the symptoms could be from any withdrawal. I thought they were all from such a huge life change, being pretty isolated from the state of our society with masks, shutdowns, etc. So, Went to the doctor in October 2020, where I got back onto Zoloft at 50mg. We also took some blood work, finding my free testosterone to be at 92, so I went on TRT as well. From there, the muscle rigidity came and went, but mostly was present. There were times where I returned to Ohio for the holidays and my symptoms reduced, further instilling my belief that the symptoms were from isolation and being “homesick”. April 2021, I left the job that took me a cross the country. Then May 2021, I tapered off Zoloft at a more accelerated rate, being off within about a month. I was going into a complete career change, one that I thought would be the saving Grace to all the symptoms I had experienced at this point. Thinking my career had been a huge contributing stressor. In hindsight, as I’ve learned more about antidepressant withdrawals, I realized this logic was a little flawed. By July 2021, I was experiencing severe insomnia. I got back on Zoloft at 75mg. Also tried Xanax and Klonopin for the insomnia. Neither really worked, so we ended up on Temazepam. Gradually increased to 30mg, the highest dose. Was on 75mg Zoloft and 30mg Temazepam until May 2022. Mistakenly decided to cold turkey Zoloft, thinking I was experiencing serotonin syndrome. I began my Temazepam taper at the beginning of May 2022, reducing by about 10% every couple of weeks. I’ve been off Temazepam for 1 week as of today. And I’ve been back on 50mg of Zoloft since mid June 2022. The insomnia is not present, but sleep still disrupted throughout the night. Muscle rigidity is pretty fierce. Anxiety is present and depression. Some days worse than others. Brain fog, inability to focus (difficult to read), lack of joy, muscle stiffness all over, negative thinking/rumination, among other symptoms I may not be thinking of. As you’ve seen, I foolishly tapered too quickly in the last and tried cold turkeying. I’m just getting familiar with a lot of the terminology… and I’m wondering if I’ve possibly kindled my nervous system from going off/on Zoloft so many times. I’ve been holding at 50mg until the muscle rigidity symptoms dissipate. Last week, I left the job I was working at in NC and returned to my parents house in Ohio for a while so I could rest up while stopping Temazepam. I thought for a long time the muscle rigidity was coming from the Temazepam usage, lack of quality sleep and I would take it before bed so was thinking by mid or late the next day, I was experiencing withdrawals from Temazepam. At this point in my research, I’m starting to believe it’s more from the Zoloft. I’ve been bounced so much by doctors, that I was hoping to come here for a little insight. this is really hard for me because I was on top of the world when I first got off Zoloft in spring of 2020. I was getting a promotion to move across the country. Then got there, thought the side effects I was experiencing were a result of stress from the move, when now I’m thinking it was more from Zoloft, with it having been about 6 months since stopping it completely. And leaving that job in 2021, thinking it was a cause of much of what I was experiencing, before bouncing around from job to job, and taking huge financial setbacks has really taken a toll on my confidence and mental state. I know I’m not functioning at my full cognitive capacity that I’m used to from the past, and with it going on 2 years now, I’m so desperate for a change.
  17. Hi everybody, My names David and from Sunderland U.K I have been on Anti Depressants since 2001, I initially went to the doctor feeling low on a dark January afternoon I was having trouble with a girlfriend and was unemployed. He gave me these tablets and honestly thought I would pop them and 2 weeks later << that was the literally in the info at the time I would be back dancing so to speak. As everybody here now knows that was so far from the truth it was unreal, I had panic attacks, Suicidal thoughts, My Penis disappeared and my groin hurt. I was scared to go out the house. Naturally I rushed back to the doctors and he told my these were possible side effects << hardly no side effects in the 2001 anti depressant leaflets, How times have changed. I did level out and my mood was better after about 2 month but that level was a form of numbness, No emotions and No sex drive, Both have drove my insane ever since. I then was told I need to get out more and find a job to help me feel better and help lift my mood. I was 22 at the time so I had all my friends that I grow up with or went to school with Playing football a few nights a week and going for a few pints and a game of pool on a weekend. The Numbness was holding my back though as is life friends then started to get girlfriends and moving on with their life, I did not. I'm explaining all this because I have since day 1 of the anti depressant which ever brand I have had felt *Depersonalised* < a term I now know. I was not interested in women because I was scared they would leave me as soon they found out I had no sex drive and little emotions Then thats when the Anti Depressant loop started!!! I read as much as I could at that time apparently you took them for 6 weeks and then if you were better and you come off them... NO NO NO NOOOOOOO!! I always consulted my doctor, I remember him telling me he did't take people off them at Christmas (Short dark days in the uk at that time) 1 time I went to the doctors and told him I felt good I had a job at the time early 20s wanting to get on with my life. he said i'm fine with you feeling better, Just stop taking them!! << I kid you not. As everybody knows in the forum I then went COLD TURKEY!! That was my first experience of the term I know now as withdrawal syndrome. Naturally I ran back down the doctors a week or 2 later and was then put back on the medication That literally been the story of my life ever since, personally any effect the tablet has is far outweighed by the side effects. I ballooned up to 17 stone at 1 point, Walked out of a job I had when I went through a period of my life when I was always on the sick for about 18 months << I thought it was the job, I was a van driver but between 2009 and 2010 as you can see by my medication signature the doctor literally kept changing my tablets and I was sent to a psychiatrist all that Dr did was up my dose. I was numb and suicidal for a year I think, it was the worst period of my life. I wined myself of Venlafaxine I knew it wasn't doing ANYTHING for me but the doctor was adamant something would change. I then went to to the doctors on an emergency appointment and he was completely pissed with me. I was then put on Sertraline in 2011 and told myself no matter the side effects and going to change my life. Get a job, lose weight, have some money get out of my parents house and most of all find a partner. I lost my Best mate/Brother in 2015 which has had a huge effect on my life, I was actually tapering off at that time << I would of crashed I didn't know what I was doing. with the passing of my mate I upped the tablets to 75mg I think and drank heavily for about 2 years. Then I hit a turning point of I cannot go on like this i'm killing myself, My mate (which only lived 5 doors away from me my whole life) passed away and other friends I grew up with now married off or working away all the time I was left isolated. I have friends but I don't interact with them like I did with my mate that passed away. I had a Job, Lost 2 stone felt good about myself even if I was still at my parents (who I love dearly) I thought maybes it time to come off these tablets once and for all and then get myself on a dating site and see what the future holds. So last September I thought to myself maybe's it time to do it properly (I tried coming off them in 2018 small taper didn't work usual brick wall back on the medication 2 months off work) I was taking 50mg. My 10 year repeat prescription was 100mg but I was too numb on that dose. I didn't consult my doctor with it being in the middle of the pandemic < I worked all the way through. I went from 50 to 35 I think for about 4 weeks then to 25 for over Christmas << the numbness started to go and clarity coming back I started to feel better about myself thinking of the future. Then I halved to 12.5 I think for a month then halved again a month later Everything was fine I thought. I was quite irritable and I had a problem with a manger at work and he started to live in my head I just thought it was the medications leaving my system and would turn the corner. A good friend of mine offered my a job in the same industry and I took it was my mood went sky high that was 6 weeks ago. Then the anxiety started. I was having Road rage constantly << in my head. then the paranoid thoughts kick in. then last week the suicidal thoughts I started counselling and hypnotherapy treatment 3 weeks ago hoping to get over this bump, But once the suicidal thoughts kicked in I phoned my doctor up and guess what ? He advised me to go back on the medication which I did as the thought of Suicide were so real. I had a session with the counsellor on Saturday she said she could have calmed me down! I am now on day 4 of 25mg Sertraline having just phoned in sick from work in my new job (My mate was completely fine to be honest, told me take my time and get better) going through the sick effect phase AGAIN I have never searched about this subject before till Friday I did not know why I hadn't looked into it before I apologise for the long explanation but that is basically the last 20 years of my life and probably the rest of my life! I do live in hope David
  18. Hi, I found this site a couple of weeks ago and have slowly been starting to wonder if what I’ve been going through the past 18 months is related to SSRI withdrawal. I managed to successfully withdraw from Lexapro at the end of 2010, after over 13 years of AD use. I had various fluctuating symptoms for a couple of months, but then apart from constant ringing in my ears and a return of occasional anxiety, I seemed to be ok. I was studying to be a chi-ball instructor, was exercising regularly, was eating healthy and was generally quite happy. After getting off Lexapro, I had been diagnosed with adult ADD and been put on medication for that. It worked well for a couple of weeks and seemed to completely cure what remained of my anxiety, but then I started to get extreme restlessness, OCD like symptoms, irritability and an increase in my sensitivity, to sounds and lights. I assumed it was a bad reaction to the stimulant medication. My life has been a confusing nightmare since the end of 2010 really, but until I found this site a couple of weeks ago, it really didn’t occur to me that my ongoing problems were being caused by a medication I stopped taking over 2 years ago. I’ve had a lot of stress in my life starting from an early age and have always been sensitive and anxious. There has been some violent crime and sexual abuse, but I seemed to be ok until I got myself into a psychologically abusive marriage. That’s when I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and started on Zoloft. For a couple of years it took the edge off my anxiety, but I never thought I had depression, but the Zoloft just made me feel generally numb, so I endured my marriage, for several more years until it became unbearable, tried to communicate with my ex-husband so that things would improve, but he wasn’t interested in change, he was already in his next relationship and had been for a while, I didn’t know that at the time though. Then I went through about 4 years of extremely frightening separation/divorce and ongoing court proceedings. . There were other extremely stressful things I’ve had to deal with over the last 10 years, but I’m not going to go into details. I have been thinking that what I’m going through is a combination of long term stress, anxiety/depression, a ‘dark night of the soul’, menopause and/or some kind of spiritual transformation like kundalini, because I have engaged in various spiritual practises through my life. At times its felt like my CNS is completely burned out or that I have some kind of serious hormonal imbalance, but I gave up trusting the medical profession, including psychologists after years of not being able to get any help from any of them and only ending up feeling worse and that its all my fault for not trying hard enough. I’ve had lots therapy, counselling and done various support groups over the last 15 years, nothing has been any significant help. I went back to college to study psychology and started a business, but that all fell apart when the marital abuse became worse and the divorce proceedings began. Since finding this site, I’ve stopped taking all psychotropic medication, realizing that anything which effects my brain is having an exaggerated negative effect on my recovery. For a long time I’ve noticed that even small amounts of caffeine, half a glass of wine or even an anti-histamine will have a very bad effect on me, but I was thinking it was my imagination. I can’t even eat chocolate any more without suffering the next day. I’m exhausted all the time, but it’s a weird kind of fatigue, its like a combination mental/emotional tiredness, not like anything I’ve ever felt before. I spend most of my time at home, on the internet on my bed, just doing the things I need to do to take care of myself and my teenage daughter. Its very difficult just getting out to buy a few groceries, but when I do go out, I function perfectly in a kind of dissociated way, like I’m not even in my own body, I’m watching myself like from a distance, wondering who it is that’s behaving so ‘normally’ when I’m feeling so awful. Waves of negative emotions seem to get triggered by almost everything around me and almost every thought, I try not to think about things or do much of anything so I can avoid the emotional pain that thoughts or experiences bring, its like a kind of forced meditation. This symptom was at its worst from November 2011 – August 2012, but its not as bad now, seems to be settling down, I think its improved by about 50%. Please would someone take a look at the details in my signature and give me an opinion if protracted anti-depressant withdrawal might be a factor in my current health problems which include: Waking at 5am with racing thoughts Feeling like I haven’t slept at all Nausea, shaking, dizziness, body pressure, muscle twitches Waves of negative emotion Hot/cold flashes, sweating Constant ringing in my ears Sensitive to sound, light and smells Can’t watch TV or listen to the radio because its too stimulating Most things are too stimulating now, including being around other people too long Loss of appetite and loss of weight Hair falling out Agoraphobia, mostly during the day, I’m able to go out easier late afternoon towards evening Memory problems and mental confusion Loss of confidence. Loss of interest in doing anything or going anywhere Can’t get any pleasure out of things any more Loss of hope I needed to put more detail in my signature, but that’s all that would fit. From about 2006 – 2008 I was also taking duramine (a prescription stimulant weight loss med) to try and lose all the weight I’d put on from being on SSRI meds. Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to try and provide a clear picture of my situation. Thank you Petu
  19. I hope you are well. I am on Escitalopram 10mg reduced overnight from 20mg. After being on this specific medication for 7 months and having been on Citalopram from the age of 22. Meaning I have been on an SSRI for 22 years. Last year after my breakdown in April (I’m actually thinking it might have been my medication stopping working that caused all this) I was put on Venlafaxine immediately without any tapering off citalopram for 2 weeks (Actually wanted to commit suicide due to that drugs side effects) I was then put on Sertraline without any tapering off Venlafaxine. That caused incredibly unpleasant side effects. In August without tapering again I was put on Escitalopram 10mg then two months later upped to 20mg to “give it a go” by psychiatrists. Not one of these medications have worked and have made me worse. Come more recently I suggested I wanted to wean off Escitalopram because I felt constantly in fight or flight. That was about a month ago. I was then prescribed buspirone 5mg x 3 a day and had my Escitalopram reduced to 10mg overnight, no tapering. A week into that regime I stopped Buspirone of my own accord and am currently on just the 10mg of Escitalopram that hadn’t been working in the first place. I actually think I’ve been withdrawing from all the antidepressants since April in some peculiar way. Since I first started antidepressants in 2002 I haven’t once had a doctor review my medication, not once have they asked me about coming off, the only time things changed is to up my medication or “give another” on a go. Today I have chronic muscle twitches, that don’t stop. My mind is clearer bizarrely and less brain fog but my physical symptoms are another matter, I’m aching considerably, I wake up shaking in the morning, and the cold makes my body shiver uncontrollably. The muscle twitches in my legs are 24 hours a day every minute. I try to go to the gym but it’s hard as my calves cramp. I have contacted a nutritionist as I’ve had dozens of blood tests thinking something must be out of sync, deficient. I’m on a good diet plan of protein and high fibre. And supplements. I currently don't know where to turn or what to do, as I am now on 10mg Escitalopram only, I don't know whether to go up gradually to try and resolve these physical constant muscle spasms/twitches even though the medication itself offered me no relief from anxiety/depression etc and actually made me 100 times worse, or to taper down. Either way I'm stuck. My body is a mess, that was once absolutely fine, it's now all over the place. Something that’s keeping me going is knowing someone is highlighting the daily struggle of these drugs and the complete disregard for the patients that are prescribed them. I hope this email reaches you all in good health.
  20. Hi Everyone, I am just going to jump right into this. I developed anxiety 4 years ago after having several life crisis in a months time. My mom was diagnosed w Dementia. My little sister was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. I was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma.A childhood friend died in his sleep from heart failure. I tipped over from the stress. I went to my GP and she started throwing AD's at me to help silence the anxiety. The AD's only made me worse. I went to the ER one night after experiencing my first panic attack The ER Dr gave me a script for Ativan. I took it for four weeks and then stopped because I was feeling much better. A few days later my world turned on it's axis. I didn't know what was happening. My anxiety was worse, I was pacing, heart racing, Panic attacks daily.... I went to my GP and she said I needed to see a Psychiatrist. To get in to see anyone was 3 months. I started to spiral. I had no idea I was in withdrawal! I ended up in the hospital to get help for my anxiety. I was put on Effexor (75mg)and Klonopin (.25mg). I stabilized and was sent home. I did really well on Effexor. After 4 months on Klonopin I started to slowly taper off. I tapered over 3 months. The taper went pretty well. I was cutting and weighing my pills. 8 months after that I felt good and talked to my Psychiatrist about tapering off of the Effexor. She strongly recommended to go slow and we did. I tapered for almost 7 months. To be honest, the Klonopin was easier to come off of than the Effexor. She put me on Prozac before my last cut of Effexor. Tapered off of the Prozac over 3/ months. I still had some anxiety but it was tolerable. It felt AMAZING to be free of AD'S and the Benzo....then COVID hit and my mom passed away. Anxiety came back w a vengeance. I ended up back in the hospital after a very bad reaction to Zoloft. My new psychiatrist kept telling me to "push through," the first 3 months. I was back on Klonopin but now it was.50mg twice a day.The hospital took me cold turkey off of Zoloft and started me on Remeron and Trazadone. The next day they added clonidine. The klonodine didn't agree w my system at all and I was taken off of that in two days. They released me from the hospital 5 days later. I lasted two weeks on Remeron. I was so disoriented, confused, high anxiety and felt like I could become violent on them so they weaned me off of that over 4 days and put me back on Prozac. Prozac didn't help my anxiety, I had constant headaches for months! I did get an MRI and it was normal. I started to feel more and more depressed on it. I was on Prozac for maybe two months when my psychiatrist took me off of that (tapered over 6 weeks) and put me on Lexapro. I had to have back surgery during this. I did NOT take a single pain med out of fear of making my WD worse. At first I thought the Lexapro was helping? I was still having breakthrough anxiety so he bumped it up. My Psychiatrist retired and a new woman came in to take his place until they could find a new one. She bumped my Lexapro up to 25mg when I told her I was having major anxiety rushes, my face would get bright red, I wasn't sleeping very well. That increased dosage was the worst! I was like a zombie but w heightened anxiety. I couldn't work, I would sit at my desk and space off for hours! I felt awful. So, she told me to start tapering off of the Lexapro (4 weeks total! I knew better...) and she wanted to cross taper me onto Effexor. I started that and boy....the depression was BRUTAL! I was not sleeping well, could hardly focus, anxiety was high, my legs felt like jelly, my head would burn, I felt my brain tingle all the time... I was nearing the end of my rope. I was desperate for a Psychiatrist that CARED. The interim Psych left and a new one came in. She wanted me off of the Effexor because she felt it was too hard to come off of and if it didn't work for me, I would be in for hell. I told her I was scared to switch AGAIN and she assured me that switching to Duoloxetine was it's "sister drug," and I shouldn't have an issue. I trusted her. The last 3 months have been.... (How do describe this hell?!) a daily battle to push through hell on earth. I am still working, I can still function, I take care of myself, my home, my dog. I am a divorced woman with a 22 year old son. I live by myself with my Rottweiler. Life is so friggin' hard when you are trying to get thorough this mess. I now have a WONDERFUL and caring Psychiatric nurse practitioner who truly cares. She is holding me on the last 10mg of Lexapro until the Effexor/Lexapro WD calms down...IF it calms down. I should tell you that I can't believe I have pushed through the last year. My symptoms have been Burning in my head, headaches, tingling in my head, mood fluctuations, burning on my skin, bloodshot eyes, pressure on my chest, sensitivity to heat, depression, sweat easily, joint pain, ringing in my ears, no motivation, grinding my teeth, feeling mentally off at times, at the beginning I couldn't sit still, short tempered, at times in the beginning of the Lexapro taper, I didn't want to talk at times...like I almost couldn't, buzzing in my body, feel like I'm going crazy sometimes, anxiety rushes...etc I am interested in this group for support and the combined knowledge from it's members. I know that NO ONE can tell me when this is going to end. What I am hoping is that someone can tell me what I am going through is normal for all of the med changes? I am honestly concerned if I am still having problems because of the Duoloxetine? My anxiety IS better since I have been on it. I get 8 hours of sleep. I don't drink. I don't use illegal drugs, don't smoke. I eat pretty healthy. I don't exercise. It's tough to get out for walks when you feel like hell and I guess I save my mental energy to work. I know I have rambled on. My mind feels like it's in a vice and also these drugs affect how well I put my thoughts into words. For the most part I am a happy and well adjusted person. I feel like the last few years have been stolen from me because I faithfully followed Dr's instructions and thought they knew best...I was so wrong. Thank you for your time. Blessings to all of you.
  21. Hi--I'm so glad this site exists. I took my last dose of Prozac on December 15, 2018. 3 days later, what I call the Horror, began. I had been on ssri's for over 20 years during which time I had become constantly sick. It never occurred to any doctor that my illnesses were medication related. Eventually I began to link studies of the ssri's to my problems. I tapered over a 6 month span, and now realize with the discovery of SA that it was probably too quick. I'm frightened because I still don't sleep well, suffer from akinesia, bone-crunching depression, suicidal ideation, especially in the night and mornings, tinnitus, extreme weight loss, blurred vision, and obsessive ruminations. This mental state is a million times worse than anything I experienced before starting on Zoloft. At that time, my husband had been diagnosed with Huntington's Disease, and during the first 2 years Zoloft did seem to help me cope. After that, it never worked the same, though the dose was consistently increased. Eventually my doctor had read that Zoloft was associated with an increased risk of stroke in those over 60, and he switched me to Prozac. Over these years I lost my hair, had an oophorectomy for cysts on my ovaries, had appendix removed, two heart attacks, and was put on Enalapril for HBP, Metformin for diabetes. I always had digestive problems during this time--including hiccups! And terrible sweating-- Three days after my last dose of Prozac, I was admitted to ER with BP of 250/150ish. Administered clonidine. Back to ER again about a week later with same high BP which had never gone down. My urine was pink. My body and mind could barely function. I was given a diagnosis of Serotonin Syndrome by the ER toxicologist. Since then I have tapered off the Ace inhibitor in 2019, and Metformin, the last dose being in March 2020. About 8 months in, it seemed I might be improving somewhat, but the final withdrawal from Metformin has set me back again. A couple of months ago, the mental nightmare had become so unrelenting I considered reinstating, but haven't. I still can't watch movies, read novels, or enjoy music the way I did. But the good news is that my blood pressure is now normal. This month I've slowly returned to my job part time after nearly a year away. Thank you for all that you all contribute here. I hope I can offer support as well. Your journeys mean a ton to me--life rafts, in fact. Zoloft: 1995 - 2015 Prozac: 2015 - 2018 (tapered from July to December) Gabapentin: 2016 to 2019 Enalapril: 2010 - 2019 Lipitor: 2017 -2017 Metformin: 2000 - 2020 Liothyronine: 2007 - 2019 Levothyroxine: 2000 - Happy to be here, Arbor
  22. I am tapering venlaflaxine at 5% monthly and I am at 17.50mg now. Been on antidepressant for 30 years
  23. Mod note: link to: Happy2Heal: Hope I'm doing this right (Introduction and update topic) I was just an 18yr old, a very confused, naive young woman, er no- more of a child, really- when I was given (by force) my first psych drug, stelazine, a major tranquilizer. that was the beginning of a long series- spanning almost 40 yrs!- of psych drugs and hospitalizations. All along the way, I was plastered with one diagnosis after another, or several heaped on at once. My physical health went downhill and I ended up a virtual shut-in, living my life all in my head, friendless, socially isolated to the extreme, my only contact with drs and therapists, leaving my house to go food shopping maybe twice a month. This wasn't living, and I knew it. But I didn't know how to change things. I didn't know what was wrong. I spent over two thirds of my life believing I was mentally ill and *needed* to be on those drugs. but at some point, it occurred to me that the drugs might actually be the problem, or at least, part of the problem. I knew I had to get off them. and I did. The process and the pain of that is reported on my thread, I don't care to go back over it, at least not now. I learned a lot along the way, but for now, I don't want to think about where I've been, I only want to think about where I am now, and the life I have before me. Here I am, now, one year off all drugs, of all kinds. I rarely even take a ibuprofen for a headache. I want to write my success story, but I'm not 100% ready yet However I do have to say that what I feel most of all, is a great deal of pride in having survived. I suffered all forms of abuse as a child, emotional, sexual, physical, verbal, went on to be a survivor of rape, of domestic abuse. I was abused within the mental health system. I've spent virtually all of my adult life in poverty, raising my daughter as a single mom on disability due to "mental illness". But today, I feel as if I've done more than just survive; I am thriving. I have friends. I have a very active social life. I volunteer and I feel like the work I do is making a difference, having an impact. while technically I am still 'poor' by income, I don't go without anything I need, with the possible exception of good dental care I have a good life. Is my withdrawal journey over? I'm not sure.While I took my last dose of lexapro over a year ago, I feel like I am still having some symptoms that must be related to the nearly 4 DECADES on psych meds. BUT you need to know, these symptoms are extremely mild. and after that long on so many different drugs, it stands to reason that there will be minor little tweaks that my brain will need to make, for some time to come. I'd like to say that all that has faded into the background of my life, but to be honest: I am more vigilant about them now, than at any time during active withdrawal- because I don't want to fall into a trap of thinking that any problems I may have mean that all those doctors were right, I'm permanently disabled by a mental illness and there's no hope for me. I am pretty sure that the only thing I suffer from is PTSD, and I don't see that as a mental illness so much as a natural reaction to extremely stressful, traumatic life events. so Today I feel Victorious. I've overcome a lot and need to soak in that feeling of doing a good job I don't often give myself credit for my achievements or feel like it's ok to feel good about them but today, I give myself permission to bask in this feeling. it feels like the right and honest thing to do. I guess I just have to be different, I don't want to call this a success story because that sounds to me like the end, when in fact it is not. It's not really a beginning, either, because the beginning of my new life dates back to when I first realized that the drugs were the problem. to me, this just feels like a victory over adversity- something to celebrate! so please, celebrate with me, and know that you are going to heal as well, those of you still going thru WD/recovery. it's worth it, believe me so very worth it!
  24. Hi all, I guess this is here for others to view and associate with in their own struggles and battles, and also for me to come back and check my progress as the months go by. I started sertraline 50mg in Oct 2020 after a bad mental break due to ongoing stress and I guess my already anxious personality really showed it’s face. Also added in mirtazapine 15mg in late November 2020 as my main problem was insomnia before starting either drug. You can see the rest of my drug history in my signature. Fast forward to December 2021 and I am seemingly now fighting the affects of said drugs rather than the reasons with which I originally started the medications. All the problems for which I actually started the medications are gone through my work on my mental health and a great journey of understanding. My nervous system now appears to be very unhappy from the catalogue of medication changes in the last 8 months approx. As of December 6th 2021 I am still very much struggling with the physical and mental problems caused by the drop from 75mg to 50mg on September 17 2021. This was originally done to try and aid my awful reflux and indigestion problems, but only appears to have made them worse, temporarily at least. In my bid to reach stabilisation on this dose I am reluctant to change the medication again as I know the ramifications this will have on me, but it is so incredibly hard to wear a brave face and keep going on many days at the moment due to the crippling GI issues. My goal is to reach 6 months on this dose and I am currently at 2.5. Prior to my mental breakdown I was already taking 20mg omeprazole for stomach troubles but had never experienced acid reflux until increasing sertraline from 50mg to 100mg in December of 2020 (last year). I am now on 40mg omeprazole but my GI issues are ongoing. I hope one day I will come back and read this in a different place completely. Currently it is hard to see the sun once again rising with each day that passes. I am doing at least 60 minutes of deep relaxation each day which helps force my body to relax. I have set myself a goal to do this on each day for the entirety of December. It is so demotivating when my nervous system flares up every week or 2 and my stomach and skin are upset with each time this happens. Hopefully if I remember to come back and update in a months time things have changed. For now, thanks to anyone who has read this and I wish you luck through this process. We are all so mentally strong. Erimus Symptom Tracker (Intensity /10): Indigestion/acid reflux (9/10) Anxiety waves (7/10) Shortness of breath (7/10) Tension headaches (5/10) Hot flushes/sweating (5/10) Constipation (5/10) Insomnia (3/10) Sweaty palms (4/10) Muscle tension in shoulders/neck (3/10) Inability to concentrate (5/10)
  25. The Origin Story I developed a fear of throwing up as a kid and was only comfortable throwing up around family members or at home. When I went to school, I developed this weird fear that I’d throw up at school, so for 6 hours everyday I’d be paranoid of throwing up. Eventually, I kept going to the office and saying I was sick. For about a week, this worked and I was allowed to go home, then they sort of caught on that I was not really sick. I didn’t know how to articulate myself, and after being literally disallowed to go home, I started having panic attacks, feeling trapped at school with adults that didn’t care about me/accused me of constantly “faking” my sickness. To be fair, I was, but I was definitely not faking the panic attacks and anxiety it brought me. I got prescribed 0.5mg of Lorazepam at the age of 11 and rarely used it. Even as a child, I hated the idea of taking pills. I really don’t remember if the Lorazepam really worked either, it may have “calmed” me down but the feelings of dread always still remained. Eventually, I got worse and worse and got prescribed Cyprexa in mid-2016. I took it everyday and took Lorazepam when needed, but as I said earlier, I tried to avoid the Lorazepam. The Cyprexa “didn’t work” so I got put on Sertraline in October 2016 at the age of 13 and took it for the next 7 years at ever-increasing doses. See my signature for more detail. Did this solve my agoraphobia that came from my fear of throwing up? No. Hence why I kept trying to increase my dosage. I literally stayed homebound for years. Nothing changed, if anything, it made things worse, but I knew I “had” to take it, because I was told I would need it forever. I tried stopping multiple times but would get these weird sensations in my head (which I have right now) that almost felt like my brain was shutting off. I did get brain zaps but those weren’t my main concern, although it was a weird phenomena to endure. I couldn’t bear what I assumed were withdrawal effects and assumed that getting off the pills would be hard. The pattern was simple: I’d willingly stop taking the pill and after 2 days, I’d feel great. Then day 3 came, and all the weird symptoms came pouring down on me. Then, I’d reinstate. I’d try to do this 1-2 times a year, thinking I’d be able to withstand the effects, however, I always caved, mainly because I needed to go to school. So, the depression started after multiple failed attempts to get off the drug. I felt trapped on those damn pills. I had to take them everywhere I went in fear of missing a few doses. No doubt I was completely dependent on them. Fast forward to COVID times in 2020, where I no longer needed to attend physical school. I only had one job that was incredibly part-time but stopped going because it was too much for me. Zoloft was supposed to help me, to help me get out of my room and live life, but it didn’t. I didn’t accomplish anything. Most days, I wouldn’t attend online class due to how terrible my sleep was. I literally could not sleep at proper times and opted to just sleep instead of attend. I now know that these pills aren’t really great for sleep, especially considering that I took them right before bed. Eventually my sleep got so bad, that I stopped sleeping altogether in 2021. At this point I was basically stopped attending classes altogether. I deeply regret this. Eventually, I got put on trazodone after complaining that I couldn’t sleep at night to my family doctor. It’s not that I had terrible cortisol spikes at night, I simply just couldn’t sleep. I felt dreadful but my word if I can go back to those days that would be amazing. Before, not being able to sleep for me was bad but not a terrifying experience. For the first week of trazodone, everything was fine. It was a miracle, I was actually sleeping! And then, the side-effects started. After a few weeks, I tried to sleep without the trazodone and couldn’t. I thought, “well I’ll just keep taking it, I’m sure I’ll be able to stop anyway”. In January 2022, I asked to go up to 150mg of Zoloft. Throughout the two weeks from January 6th to January 20th, I took 125mg of Zoloft then started 150mg after the two weeks were up, as directed by the doctor. After a few days of taking 150, I noticed that everything was getting worse, so I abruptly stopped taking 150 and went back to 100mg sometime in February or March 2022. It felt better, but it only went downhill from there. This is where I started to suspect that maybe increasing the amount of drugs in my system wasn’t a good idea. Eventually, I became dependent on the trazodone as well and skipping a dose would be hell on earth. I had to practically beg my parents to go to the pharmacy and refill a bottle once I finished it. I actually can’t fully describe the symptoms I felt when I tried to sleep without it. I can, however, say it was torturous. I started violently shaking once and thought I was having a seizure. My parents would often tell me to just “fall asleep” and when I said “I literally can’t you don’t understand” they’d angrily respond saying that I definitely could and would get incredibly frustrated every time I needed a refill, but man, once that drug entered my system, it was so calming, it’s like I was taking a benzo. The side-effects during the day were unbearable though, and most of my days for 2 years were waking up, being in incredible pain, and desperately waiting for nighttime so that I could take it again and sleep. I was obsessed with my sleep schedule, because I thought I needed to be. I would’ve rather dealt with the excruciating side-effects of taking the pill rather than the even worse side-effects of trying to sleep on my own. I also developed GI issues that I have to this day, rarely going to the washroom and having bloody painful stools when I do. Naturally, issues with bloating followed. I literally couldn’t nap during the day and still can’t, as I’d always inevitably get so disoriented and confused after trying, with the inevitable annoying cortisol spike, which was the scariest thing and unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It was hell. This is where the dpdr really took full form. Taper Timeline I had enough of the chronic fatigue, the vivid nightmares, the inability to sleep without trazodone and the almost seizure-like shaking that came with trying to skip a dose, the derealization and the excruciating headaches that were present from the moment I woke up, so I came to the conclusion that it had to be the drugs. In late 2022, I told my doctor I wanted off. He said that they don’t usually recommend tapering during the winter and told me I had to wait until summer to start tapering. I told my doctor that I needed to stop immediately, to which he replied, “then stop taking it”. I basically had the choice of doing it on my own or waiting until the summer. At this point though, I was desperate. I needed to be off. I couldn’t bear the symptoms anymore. Firstly, I decided to just stop taking the medication and after a few days realized that doing that was a terrible idea. So, I requested lower dosages of Zoloft and started meticulously cutting the Trazodone tablets. I tapered both drugs at the same time for the span of only a few months. I regret not researching anything about withdrawal and just assumed I’d be fine if I did it this way. I decided I needed to prioritize the Zoloft first because I was told from doctors that it could inhibit sleep, so I tapered it quicker than the Trazodone. Over the course of a couple months from maybe October/November 2022 to April 2023, I went from 100mg of Zoloft to 0, decreasing by 25mg on my own volition when I felt like it was time, with my last dosage being 12.5mg. I couldn’t tell you exactly when I dropped dosages and regret not recording it, but at the time I didn’t think I needed to. When I hit 0 on Zoloft, I was at about 6.25mg of Trazodone, as I cut the tablets in half about three times. It’s amazing how easy it was to fall asleep at 6.25. It’s like I never needed 50mg in the first place. I realize that 50mg of Trazodone is considered a low dosage, but the efficacy of the drug at 6.25 seemed to be the same. I wonder why that is. Anyway, after multiple failed attempts to sleep without trazodone, with multiple bouts of inner torturous restlessness that came with trying to sleep without it, I finally got about 2 hours of sleep without it after crying myself to sleep. This was monumental for me. You have no idea how much this meant to me after not being able to sleep/nap for more than one second without the use of these damn pills. I felt I needed to stop the taper and try to sleep another night without it, and lo and behold I did. For the next few weeks I started to sleep without the trazodone. Was it restorative sleep? Was is sleep that cured the chronic fatigue that the drug gave me in the first place? No. Absolutely not. I haven’t had restorative sleep for years, but it was sleep nonetheless, and that’s what mattered to me. I felt like I needed to stop taking the trazodone in fear that I’d rely on it again, but had it with me in case I ever felt the need to take it again in sheer desperation… which I did… but only once, in June 2023, which may have screwed up everything for me and I regretted it almost immediately. You see, throughout April-June, my mindset was “well if I get extremely restless and if I’m unable to cope with the flooding of emotions that prevent me from sleeping, I’ll just pop this trazodone next to me and I’ll feel fine!” The reassurance of having these pills available helped me get through the night, but after relapsing and suffering for it, I learned a few things. 1) these pills really are a massive problem and 2) I had to eliminate the mindset of thinking of trazodone as a drug I could just take if incredibly desperate. So, from June 2023 until now I can call myself drug-free. What an incredible accomplishment. Except, what I failed to realize and what I’ve now come to realize is that I tapered incredibly quickly, especially for someone who was influenced under some kind of drug from age 11-20 and that it wasn’t going to be clean sailing. Withdrawal Timeline Late 2022 - April 2023: While tapering the drugs, I felt so incredibly bad but kept going because I thought that this is what I needed to do. Restless 24/7, incredibly derealized, bedbound, frightened of just about anything, couldn’t really walk, talk etc. This was particularly the case when I was close to the finish. March - April was just terrible. It was all a blur honestly and I felt like I was taking even more drugs rather than decreasing. April 2023 - June 2023: Neuroemotions, restlessness, derealization, bad intrusive thoughts, and more, but those were the main debilitating ones. The neuroemotions as I’ve come to recognize it as was awful. Truly awful. I still deal with them to this day, and maybe some of what I’m feeling is warranted, but from the span of two months I basically regarded myself as a man unworthy of living. Essentially, every bad thing I ever did was at the forefront of my mind and I couldn’t deal with it. Telling me “you’re a good person!” was something I simply couldn’t accept. I was drugged for half my life and I have no idea what part these drugs played regarding my actions. I stayed in my room all day during this period, didn’t want to talk to anyone and just wanted to distract myself on my phone and hoped I’d eventually get though it. I never had time to create a sense of “self” because I was always regulated under these drugs that, while a bit helpful, never ever solved the root problem. Zoloft quelled my anxiety but never entirely, and made things worse every year. I’d get an increase of dosage and things would get better, until they didn’t. I had to come to terms with the fact that I needed to create a new sense of self after these drugs. The fatigue was still awful, the headaches less so, but I felt dead, and didn’t value myself at all. June 2023 - August 2023 It begins. I felt like a prisoner in my own mind and I took Zoloft. I couldn’t sleep, obviously, so I popped the Trazodone as well and slept. And when I woke up, I felt like I was back to square one. I had the biggest headache and I was more fatigued than ever with thoughts racing faster than ever before. I then thought to myself, “never again.” So, for the next few sleepless nights I was determined to not, at any circumstance, pop those pills. I felt probably the worst in those 2 days of not sleeping. If this was months earlier, I would’ve popped the pills no question. It was hard, but I eventually slept again without taking the pills and slowly recovered from the torture that I inflicted on myself. The derealization remained, as did the chronic fatigue and hate for myself. For those months, I had to come to terms with the fact that I actually had to deal with these emotions naturally and that pills cannot ever be the long-term answer. The fact is, humans were never meant to be chemically regulated, and having been medicated for so long, I had to realize that life is so much more than just shutting up and taking pills, thinking that it’ll solve all my problems. I remained bedridden, still hating myself. In late August, I had a horrible relapse of not being able to sleep for even a second, which happens more frequently than I’d like. Once in a while, my body would just refuse to sleep, and the first instance of that happened here. It was gruelling and I felt like that was it for me. I felt more disconnected than ever but eventually found sleep after about 40 hours. September 2023 Probably the best month I’ve had in years. I actually had motivation. I still hated myself, but it went from a 10/10 self-hatred to maybe an 8/10 self-hatred. I exercised, went on walks, started to pay attention to what I was eating but remained unsocial. I just wanted to be alone and do all these things. I’d spend more time in the sun before the cold weather started to come, and thought I was making progress. I slept for 9 hours everyday and although I still had derealization and often woke up sort of disoriented and sometimes confused, I had hope that I was recovering. I mean, come on! 9 hours of sometimes uninterrupted sleep? That was a great accomplishment to me. I haven’t had that in years. The sleep wasn’t really restorative but for the first time in my life I had hope. I started to try to wake up earlier because I felt that 9 hours was a long time, and tried to set alarms for 8 hours. This was incredibly stupid. If you’re in a similar state, don’t try to get complacent. Listen to your body. If it needs to sleep for 9 hours, LET IT. Then, it all began. October 2023 - Now Hell. This is where I felt like withdrawal truly began. After bouts of barely sleeping, my mood declined and declined. Derealization hit an all-time high. The back of my head was on fire and the worst was yet to come. Firstly, my appetite became non-existent. I couldn’t eat much, and if I did, I had to deal with the nausea that would ensue shortly after. I even threw up once, which for me is rare nowadays as my previous fear of throwing up made me sort of learn how to suppress throwing up, even when incredibly nauseous. When I throw up, something is horribly wrong. Visual misperception started, vivid hypnagogic/hypnopompic hallucinations, traumatizing sleep paralysis and what would be considered symptoms of “bi-polar” started to begin. Intense mood swings, breakdowns, feeling different everyday, feeling “wrong”, akathisia that’s way more pronounced when waking up or trying to sleep, inner restlessness that is impossible to get rid of, visual snow, closed-eye visuals sometimes resembling what I’d consider what would happen if I took small doses of LSD, after-images, double vision, grainy vision, blobs of colour throughout my vision, visual distortions, and trouble focusing on things with eyes. Most of these visual symptoms were exacerbated 7 months after the last dose. Is this normal? Is it normal for new weird symptoms to develop even months after stopping? This is why I’m sceptical this is all related to withdrawal, but then I ponder whether these debilitating symptoms would be present if I never took the pills, especially Trazodone, in the first place. I’m also inclined to believe this is related to withdrawal is because Trazodone really ruined me. I seriously couldn’t tolerate that drug yet I took it for almost 2 years. I figured that there’s no way that the damage done by that stupid drug would take a short time to correct. I also deal with tinnitus, weird sensations in my brain (I can’t even describe them, it feels so weird and sometimes painful) orthostatic hypotension (which probably resulted from these drugs in the first place, I had a problem with this my entire life and apparently it’s a side-effect), even worse sleep than before, the furthest disconnection from reality ever, short-term memory problems, anhedonia, extreme malaise, muscle pains, hyper-vigilantism, light sensitivity, tremor in the head and arms, the list goes on. Some days I’d cry in despair due to how utterly braindead and disconnected I feel. Every time I wake up, it takes me a few hours to go from completely disconnected to incredibly disconnected, which seems the same but there is a difference. Before Christmas of 2023, I went to the hospital to tell them what has been going on. Much of my visual symptoms weren’t really prevalent at this time. I couldn’t really speak so I wrote everything down for them to read. As I’ve never really been thorough with my symptoms to doctors throughout the years, because I hated the idea of opening up to anyone, I wrote this massive essay about the complete timeline of my symptoms. The doctor looked at it for about ten seconds and prescribed me Mirtazapine 7.5mg. Now look, forgive me if found that a little sketchy. I waited hours in the hospital, basically spending the entire time listing everything I’ve ever gone through to eliminate ANY POSSIBLE CHANCE OF CONFUSION (mainly because I had enough of constantly going to doctors throughout the years and just wanted answers once and for all), they spent about 10 seconds reading it and prescribed me medication. They were actually going to perscribe me Lexapro again, but I told them I had trouble sleeping (something they would’ve known if they read the whole paragraph) and they instantly changed their mind and gave me Mirtazapine. At this point I’m very skeptical and confused. Did I really need to sedate myself again and end these months of progress without medication? Something felt off. At this point I was also on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist that lasted months, and the appointment finally came in the beginning of January, and through this live chat, I saw a psychiatrist. I explained my problems to him and got prescribed a different medication: Prozac. I never told them about the hospital visit, because I didn’t want that to influence what they were going to give/tell me. I then asked the psychiatrist something patients probably rarely ever ask them: “how exactly do these meds actually work?” I’m sure you can guess their response. He told me I had this chemical imbalance, something I was told all those years ago, and that these pills work by correcting the balance. I knew by now that this explanation was utter nonsense. If chemical imbalances were solely the issue then I’m sure these pills would work like magic and this forum wouldn’t exist. They don’t. Not at all. If only psychiatrists actually were honest. I’m longing for the day that I ask that question and they respond with “I have no idea”, because that’s literally the only correct answer. Nobody knows how these pills work, they just do for some people and don’t for others. Remember, without these supposed mental illnesses, these psychiatrists are jobless. That’s something to keep in mind. They have an incentive to lie to patients and lead them down a rabbit hole of polypharmacy. It’s actually disgraceful. I knew everything was a sham after I got prescribed that Prozac. I knew that maybe something else was going on with me. That’s when I had the thought that maybe these pills were the problem all this time. I began to start researching about what happened to people after they stopped taking their antidepressants, and everything seemed to make sense. As a person who tends to be very skeptical (which was definitely brought on with my experiences with psychiatry and pharmacology), I wasn’t really sure whether to believe I was in “antidepressant withdrawal.” My whole life I was told I was mentally ill by doctors, so who am I to go against their word. I even went to a doctor shortly after and got told I had ADHD. What? You’re telling me this whole time THAT was the issue? It didn’t make sense. I got prescribed Vyvanse and told that it was utterly ridiculous that it was withdrawal and told that “even the most avid of heroin addicts feel better after 7 days off.” This remark truly confused me. Surely that isn’t the case. This is where my trust levels went to an all-time low. I was suddenly put into this hellish wave of a plethora of symptoms, and was prescribed 3 different medications from 3 different doctors in the span of a month. Something was off, so I kept doing my own research to rule out all possibilities. I then found this website and spent hours looking at other people’s stories and figured that this must be what I’m going through. Sure, I was an anxious mess before taking pills, then again I was 11 and a highly sensitive and fearful child. Sure, I had problems regulating those emotions, but sometimes I wonder if I could’ve just outgrown it. I didn’t hate my life as a child necessarily because I had friends and lived normally at times. Literally the only issue was that I got incredibly agoraphobic and was reluctant the leave the house and my parents as a child. Going to school sucked, but at home I would be left to my own devices, frying my brain playing video games, which I attribute to my attention span issues. I literally lived online, depressed, on pills that never helped in the long run. I had symptoms resembling OCD but they didn’t really consume me the way it did after taking pills and after going off. Ask anyone I know and they’ll tell you I was a very joyful child who loved humour and loved doing any activity I could, despite the fears that I had. I truly believe that I could’ve conquered this with proper guidance as a child. Some children are just sensitive and scared. Sometimes they’re like that for no obvious or “logical” reason and sometimes because they’re confused about living in this world they never asked to live in, but they do and that’s a beautiful thing. Everyday is a struggle. Some days I’m convinced I’m dying and others I’m convinced there’s healing to be done. Some days I read the horror stories and immediately catastrophize and some days I read success stories and get that extra bit of motivation. There’s no telling where I’ll be in a couple months but I cannot let these pharmaceutical companies win, so I don’t know. I just hope to get to a point where I can tackle my crippling agoraphobia once and for all, without the use of chemicals which never really helped in the first place. I have to believe that after these hellish, torturous symptoms subside, I can tackle life with a different perspective and get help the proper way. I see people recover from what I’ve had as a child all the time, and I have to believe that I can too. I never lived my life. Ever. My life has been me just existing, never doing anything of note. I’m 20 and sometimes feel like my life is already over. But it can’t be. There has to be some life in me, some life I never got to live under the influence of drugs. I see all these stories of people being drugged their whole lives find actual purpose, and I got to believe that my life has one too. The Present So yeah, I’m currently feeling dreadful, the worst I’ve ever felt. I don’t know who I truly am and when I remember events from the past I find it hard to believe that yes, that was indeed my life. I’m in constant pain, similar to the type of sensations I felt when originally trying to withdraw from the medication, but with even more vigour. I can barely speak and I’m constantly uncomfortable. I look like I’m high all the time. The visual symptoms are the worst, it fuels my dpdr to an even more unthinkably unbearable state, not to mention the tinnitus. I find it really hard to suppress my screen time due to not wanting to be alone with my own thoughts. I realize that I need to eventually push myself to stop looking at screens all day, but usually when I do, the day that follows is absolutely horrific, and all my symptoms return with a vengeance. This has happened every time I try to detox from my phone. There are some days where my symptoms go from a 10/10 to a 7/10, where I still mainly feel terrible but not in hell. Originally, I didn’t think this was related to “windows and waves” but I realized that windows don’t mean the complete elimination of all symptoms, but rather a time where the symptoms become more tolerable. In fact, the physical symptoms remain the same and sometimes new ones form, but there are some days where I’m just inexplicably able to tolerate it more, and some days where I simply can’t. Am I 100% convinced all of this is withdrawal? Not entirely, but that’s why I’m here. I’m here to learn, mainly out of despair. I know I’m an anxious person, but this is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. As soon as I stopped taking the meds, everything and I mean EVERYTHING got worse. There must be a correlation, right?
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