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Hello all and thank you for taking the time to read this post My antidepressant experience started in 2014 after my father's passing. It was shocking, unexpected and I was devastated. I found out my father had an illness that he did not seek treatment for and as I did not live close to him, he told me nothing about it. We were extremely close and after not being able to contact him for a day and a half we sent the police to his house as he lived in a remote area. They had to break down the door and he was rushed to the hospital. I took the first plane out the next morning. He was on life support, never regained consciousness and died right before my eyes after an hour of getting there. The days following were awful and after making the trip to pick out the urn for his ashes I had a massive panic attack. I couldn't catch my breath, had extreme chest pain and thought I was going to die. After a trip to the clinic, I was initally put on Paxil and ativan. The first ativan seemed to help some, however subsequent pills did nothing. After flying back home and seeing my GP he switched me to Cipralex 10mg. It took about 3 weeks to kick in and after it did, I was grateful for the way it made me feel. It pulled me out of the deep dark pit of depression I was in and gave me my life back. It also took away the anxiety I was experiencing. For weeks I had felt like an elephant was standing on my chest. I had a few side effects during this time, however the one that persisted made me taper off after approx. 5 months. I was lethargic all day long. Didn't want to get out of bed as I was so tired. My doctor suggested cutting my pills in half for 2 weeks and being finished after that. I thought I was fine. I felt good. Had brain zaps for a few weeks but after that I was fine. 3 months later I started having ear pain. I tried over the counter ear drops and when they didn't work I went to the clinic. They said I didn't seem to have an ear infection but gave me antibiotics in case. They didn't work and it got worse. The pain started radiating down my neck. I was given 3 more antibiotic prescriptions and they did nothing. The ear pain persisted although the interior of my ear looked fine. It was on and off for a few months and then strange things started happening. I woke up one morning and my pinky was numb and tingly....then days later my index finger. Then the top part of my foot and up my leg. My calf was so tight one day I thought I had a blood clot. The numbness/tingling would move around. My doctor said it was stress but I wasn't stressed at all. I thought I had some virus from the antibiotics weakening my immune system. I was on high dose of probiotics and tried a million things from the health food store. The ear pain went away but the other symptoms persisted. Burning skin, twitching, skin crawling, head pain, tender scalp. I went back to my doctor and had a battery of tests. All came back perfect. I never get sick other than a cold, have never had a history of anxiety or strees until my father passed and am not one to complain. All this was driving me mad!! I started to get this pain my shoulder and I thought it was a pinched nerve and then I had this tingly/wormy feeling in my temples. I had had enough and went back to the doctor. I was put on ativan, then valium and back on cipralex but it was the generic escitalopram this time. The first 3 weeks were hell. My symptoms went through the roof!! My body was like a firework. My ear pain came back and it had been gone for months at this point. I powered through and after 4 months things calmed down but I weaned off as I had a ton of side effects this time as well as the lethargy again. Once again my symptoms flared but have slowly gotten better. Up until I started these meds I was super healthy. I eat healthy, work out all the time and maybe get a cold once a year. Is it possible all the weird symptoms I experienced were delayed withdrawal or were somehow caused by the drugs weakening my stress response?? I am still so confused by all of this and it has been SO long since I have felt normal. It just sucks. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. It is much appreciated

I was making a reply to you when once again my message disappeared this is happening to me a lot on here lately I cannot even guess the cause but I do not like it. I do not want to get into the crime aspect of this post or the backchat ...I don't know what that term means. I would like to talk about grief as it seems to apply to my life while in withdrawal. I had a few people die when I was in the first year of my cold turkey from effexor and I think the grief process was different than what it would have been had I not been in withdrawal. I have processed it differently doing it bit by bit as I am able and I am comfortable with that till now at least. I think there is a sort of grief some of us have as to how the use of Ads has affected our lives being drugged for years because we could not get off the drugs without mental issues is bad enough with all the side effects mania and misunderstanding that happen living life in an altered state of drug use. For me the grief come in and hits hard when I learned I went thru and did all that needlessly for lack of a bit of truth. Had I known some simple truths we now know about these drugs I could have missed so much pain for myself and for those I love. I could have lived a completely different life for much of those 25 years. There is grief in that and empty sort of eating at your guts grieving the loss of ones own life even though your alive. Loss of opportunity in so many aspects of life that were stolen by drug use all based on a lie of not only no withdrawal but the off label use for treating pain ugh it makes me want to hurl... it is too much. I was such a stupid and needless loss of a life ...loss of my life of love of satisfaction from serious study and work .. too much loss. As I say this grief is real I do not see it connected to neuro emotion which to me is a physiological state of upheaval.. yes there were times in withdrawal where I had both the intense loss of my own life and neuro emotion co-inhabiting but for the most part they are not the same thing or even part of the same loaf of bread. They are two different types of food ... one comes on like a sugar high I cannot control the other is made of veggies and sticks to my bones hard and long... for want of a bit of truth I have lost 25 years ..there is a slow burning grief in that and it does not go away. That is my distinction on this topic and while it may not be about paxilprogress closing so it may not belong here I was something I really needed to say. I wish you all peace If Mods think this should be moved some place new by all means move it.

Depression and "rebellion" as an adolescent. Lead to my first experience with anti depressants at 14! I have been on and off different psychiatric meds since. Except for the 7 years. When I was either pregnant or nursing. Which were honestly the best years of my life. Psychotropic medication was normal in my household. Mom was bipolar but very high functioning. As a matter of fact, I believe she "managed" her disease with work through her 40's. Yes, I was rebellious and my Mom was mentally ill. We had an awesome family. And we loved and supported one another. Two months before Mom's 50th birthday. She had a sudden severe heart attack which required quadruple bypass. After several years trying to go back to "normal". In 2003 she had to go on disability. Things went down from there. Visits to our local mental health facility for med changes became necessary. Becoming more frequent as time went on. At one point she was taking as many as 32 different meds a day. Depressions got worse and mania's more pronounced. During this time, I developed an addiction to prescription pain meds. In Sept. 2006 I got clean with the help of my Mom. As I got better, she seemed to get worse. On Oct. 9th 2007 after getting off work and picking up the kids from school. Mom wouldn't answer the phone. I knew something wasn't right! She'd only been home a week from the "hospital". Where they had changed her meds, again. As I drove I explained to the kids. I was only running in for a minute and it would be best for them to stay in the car.... "We needed to get home". Normally this would be the point where I would hear a bunch of but Mommmm..... They said, nothing they were obviously aware of my energy. And were quiet instead of the protest I'd normally hear. As I opened the front door, she was laying there..... I slammed the door back. HOPING she was...... playing a joke...knowing she wasn't. She'd taken a massive overdose between 450-500 pills.... Opening the door.....I knew my life was changing FOREVER. Right in front of my eyes. Paramedic's came and went......the neighbor was there...the police... The village was apparently alerted by my screaming and wailing and came to see what was going on. Finally Daddy arrived... Even though it had only been 10 minutes it seemed like forever. By that point the majority of the village had come to see. The next few days are a blur. Bits and pieces of the days and the months following are there and I remember them at dIfferent times. Not always the best timing....... I've been able to enjoy moments of happiness here and there, since. Never feeling ALIVE AND EXCITED. I still grieve daily and some weeks are worse than other. Having at least one disturbing nightmare a week. I've isolated myself big time and have no idea how to change that? Along with a change in marital status..... so much more has occurred. I've been in a state of adrenal exhaustion for years. And currently have a b12 deficiency with an undiagnosed auto-immune disorder. Being self-employed and I guess being too successful puts me and my husband in the proverbial donut hole. As far as obtaining healthcare. It's a complete crap-shoot knowing if it will be beneficial or not. I am currently on a cocktail of Cymbalta, Adder-all XR, Klonopin and Subutex. I want to be free of these meds and feel clear again. My sequential thought is gone. I can't focus on anything. My PC is an Osteopath and completely supportive of being med-free. WHERE DO I START THOUGH???? With the traumatic grief/PTSD.... I'm afraid coming off meds will bring up more, than I can handle. Who can help me??? I feel so lost and alone???????????????????? ANY suggestions are WELCOME and APPRECIATED. I feel like I can't handle things much longer!!! PLEASE your support means a lot