Search the Community

Hello, my name is RSurviving and I'm new to Survivingantidepressants.org. I've been on the anti-depressant drug Zoloft (Sertaline) for aprox. 6 years now and the anti-psychotic drug Risperdal (Risperdone) for 5 years. I am a young woman with- hopefully- my whole life ahead of me. I live a pretty peaceful existence now, but since this wasn't always the case, I take 150mg of Zoloft and .25mg of Risperdal. I have/had pretty sever depression and anxiety with some suicidal ideation and I still deal with it on a daily basis. I also have other chronic health issues that impact my life and mental health issues every day. About 11 months back, I expressed to my psych Dr. that I wanted to wean off of one of my medications, and since I have no actual psychotic tendencies (Bipolar Disorder or Schizophrenia) I believed Risperdal should go first, especially since it's the lowest dose. School was just starting up again, and so she agreed that we could attempt it, under the condition that I replace it with Klonopin. This idea is very self-defeating. I know. Why get off of one only to start another immediately? That's why I didn't want to agree. After much convincing from my mother and doctor, I left the session not only with a new script for Klonopin, but the advice from the doctor that since the Risperdal was such a low dose, I could quit cold-turkey... I tried to insist that I didn't feel comfortable just stopping it, especially after so many years of use ( I didn't even want to stop taking my allergy meds for three days in order to get annual allergy testing done) because I've heard so many horror stories about abruptly stopping anti-anything medication. However, I let myself, my mother, and even my longtime boyfriend be convinced that it was low enough to stop for good. In the beginning of September 2014 I was off of the Risperdal for four days before I started taking the Kolnopin under the direction of my doctor. I was normal for about a week. I had a job, an amazing, supportive boyfriend/family and was a full time student, until things went south. I have never experienced anything like this before. Life looked distorted, like a colorful, geometric pop-up book. My co-workers were trying to "kill" me when they walked too close to me at work. Spiders crawled all over my body and my house. I was always sick. I tried to claw my way out of my body by scratching at my skin. I tried to pull my hair out. I screamed at things that weren't there. I head voices and talked to myself as if I was Norman Bates. I acted completely out of character by trying to seduce other people even though they weren't my boyfriend and I didn't want to/had no intention of being with them. I left work in the middle of my shift and apparently walked in the night to the other side of town to a park where my sister found me, confused as to where I was. I frequently forgot who/where I was. Everyone who loved me tried to help and understand, but it was like I was comatose, and in my place was an evil shell of myself. The worst part is, I still don't fully remember all of the damage I caused, or anything that happened in those two moths of my life. However, I will always have to live with the guilt of knowing that I hurt the people I love most, without even knowing how. Needless to say, after a couple of months for this, my mom and boyfriend finally got me back to normal. I still find moments where I don't know where I am, but fortunately, it doesn't last long. My memory is still shoddy as well, but I'm taking it one day at a time. So now, even though my family and I are terrified about stopping my medicine, I feel that it is necessary for my sanity (pun not intended.) I wrote this for support, advice, and even some help from others, but I also wrote this for those people who, like me, have seen the evil side of coming off these drugs in an unsafe manner and need to do it the right way. For those who want to know that even though this path is dark, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. I hope this helps, and thank you for your time.