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Found 8 results

  1. Hi Everyone! I consider myself the Kimmy Schmidt of internet forums, having been in seclusion for so long, but I grew tired of hiding . My disastrous dance with Big Pharma started in 2006, when I began hearing voices after months of anxiety and panic over a very traumatizing experience. Cops handcuffed me and placed me in four point restraints after I started screaming in public. The good young Doc at the local hospital they shipped me to gave me Zyprexa, never once asking if I had a family history of diabetes. I DC the drug after a week and about 5-6 months later I had another episode. 2007-2011 A true blur. 4 hospitalizations (two in 2007, one in 2008 and the last in 2011). Three months of sleeplessness due to Zyprexa withdrawal (someone in my life at that time told me that their family member discontinued cocaine in 3 days after years of abuse and I should due the same with Zyprexa - huge mistake), lost many friends due to neglecting their needs and my own, and a crazy amount of weight gain. My voices pestered me to the brink of despair. Yet, I still held on... 2011-2015 The breakthrough years. Switched from Zyprexa to Abilify without major impact on my sleep. Started working again although, not employed at this moment. After a spiritual breakthrough and addressing the demons of my past, I am on my way to permanently breaking up with Big Pharma. I attribute this breakthrough to trusting God and the guiding spirits, reading stories from those who have triumphed or in the process of triumphing over psyche drugs, and seeking support from family (although they still believe in the medical model of my so-called condition). Critical Psychiatry sites that delve into the rampant fraud and fear-mongering present in modern US Psychiatry also provided an alternative narrative to the chemical imbalance-broken forever label that my pdocs dumped on me. For the first time in years, hope blooms in my heart and mind. Will I be the same pre-drug woman? No and in many respects, I don't want to be. Those years in spite of the intensity of emotion that I felt and the warm and love in my heart, I could not take care of myself or establish healthy boundaries. Now I do a much better job of that. I don't eat as much sugar, and I have cut out caffeine and alcohol completely. I'm grateful for the victories, great and small. I want to document this journey for my brothers and sisters in the struggle and build community, because I believe in the healing power of relationships and knowledge sharing over BigPharma's so-called quickfixes. Also, I understand that I need to do the work on my own, to self-care regardless of my situation. A balancing act, for sure. Towards a drug-free me and a brighter tomorrow.
  2. I'm putting this question out there, partly as a reminder to myself, hopefully as a help to others who are struggling... I am in such physical and emotional pain these past few weeks. It is getting unbearable. My wife and I are trying to stick to the commitment not to go back on the meds. But boy, do I think I want to at times. Especially right now. So I'm here to remind myself why I stopped the psych-drug merry-go-round. I hope it helps you too. And I would love to hear your "why" story. It will be encouraging to all of us, I think. Anyway, I went off of the meds because I didn't like who I was as a person, and more and more I got the feeling that the meds were a big part of the reason. I was an angry person all of the time. And selfish. I would give in to rage - even in the most inappropriate situations to do so (like my daughter's 7th birthday party, for instance). I treated my wife horribly. I would go off the rails, feel like killing myself, and take handfuls of the meds at once (wow - I never admitted that ever before). I would fantasize about hanging myself (even though I would never have the guts to do so). And as these things were happening - especially over my last year before going off the meds - there were more and more times where there was a part of me inside of my mind saying "stop it, stop that crazy person" - as if the real me was trapped inside of this raging body that had been taken over by another mind. I had to find out who God created me to be. I even needed to find out what a real relationship with God was like. Turns out that He created me as a pretty nice guy. I'm loving and caring and helpful now (well, as helpful as I can be given the immense physical pain the withdrawal has caused me, and the anxiety that keeps me from running errands some of the time). I was even more engaged in activities during the window as I tapered (completely incorrectly and too fast) and for the first 3 months after I was drug free. And that is part of the problem. I can remember a time during the taper, towards the end, when I was in a "sweet" spot - where there was no withdrawal syndrome, and 90% of the time I was a great guy. I keep fantasizing about going back to that "sweet" spot. But I don't think going back on the drugs after being off for over 4 months would really work - and it could cause actual harm (I fear, for instance, the suicide bug that bites some people during the early days of psycho-med use). Or, it could just cause me to go back down the rabbit-hole of using the psych-meds - and that will bring back evil me. So I'm writing this to remind myself why I quite the psych-go-round. I hope it helps remind some of you too. SJ
  3. i'm hopeless man, completely hopeless, i can't express my pain, i can't express how bad i feel when i realize that this will go on for YEARS. from the severety of what i felt i can just say that this will not pass in a few months. how can i live like this?, knowing that everything i will do from now on will be poor quality? i met a lot of people with drug problems, NONE of them felt the kind of sickness we felt, i really just wish that i could see some light in the end of the tunnel, because when i was off drugs i did not got one single day of improvement it was just like watching my health being sucked away and there's nothing i can do about it. i wish i could skip 5 years of my life to see if i will be fine then... this is just worst than any drug related problem i can imagine. REALLY, so please guys just help me i can't stand my life anymore
  4. Hi everybody this is my 2 year story. I'll try and keep it short and detailed. I suffered from GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and had panic attacks since the age of 5. My anxiety was triggered by my parent's divorce but i was able to overcome it twice in my life. When i was 14 i was diagnosed with IBS. I had it pretty bad so i got really down about it and probably had mild situation depression. I (unfortunately) saw this article in class one day about anxiety, depression etc and they pretty much advertised anti depressants. I always knew there must of been meds for anxiety/depression but i figured i was just too young for them. Being a typical 14 year old I thought i was a hot shot and should be old enough for anything. That night i pretty much convinced myself i was depressed and told my mum to take me to the hospital so i could try some medication (so stupid i know - they really made it sound like anti-depressants could really really help - even for IBS (LOL)) I was given 10mg of celexa (citalopram). That's right. You can just walk right into the hospital, say your depressed and you want medication and they'll give it to you. After a while i went up to 20 mg which is where i stayed for a while. This is also where i first noticed the anhedonia - which got better but not 100%. I also noticed that i couldn't "visualize" anything in my mind anymore like the tv in my mind was more vague or something. After a while though some of the numbing effects of the celexa wore off. I actually liked the numbing though because it really eased my anxiety - although i didn't know i wouldn't be able to feel pleasure to its fullest extant again. So around the end of my use i went up to 30mg for a while and slowly i went up to 40mg. Yes, a 15 year old was advised by a psychiatrist to go that high. But it was only for no more than a month or two. I surely felt a little drugged and I believe it was mostly then that i started to notice mild sexual symptoms (premature ejaculation). Once i tapered off for about a month from 20-40mgs, and all the normal withdrawal symptoms went away, i noticed PSSD 2 weeks after the last celexa. It was pretty mild, i only had premature ejaculation and minor other problems. I also had anhedonia and the TV in my mind thing too but other than that i felt pretty much normal. So Celexa for 8-9 months. At this point i was already on a low dose Elavil (10mgs). It gave me bad bloating and heart palps especially when i tried to go to 20mg but i could tolerate 10mg but it wasn't really doing any good. My psychiatrist insisted that i stayed on it though so I did for less than a year. I eventually went on clonazepam for 4 weeks and tapered for 3. I just took it when i needed it which was like once per 1-2 weeks on average. So after lets say 6 months after celexa I went off elavil and got on zoloft (sertraline). I still had the mild/moderate anhedonia, premature ejaculation, minor erection problems and the visualization thing. I continued to have heart palps, bloating from time to time (still get it now lol) and i found that my cognitive and energy was lagging too. I went on 25mg of sertraline to start with, and found that my PSSD pretty much went away. My anhedonia was better too which i think i noted but i still found music to not be quite as enjoyable than before and that it didn't automatically fill my mind with images like it used too before meds. However my sexual confidence sky rocketed even at almost 16 lol. To be honest i didn't think the meds caused my PE, i knew anxiety could do it so i thought it was just that. My first sexual encounter was not long before the meds and i realize now that i lasted MUCH longer than after. The PSSD only went away for about 2-3 weeks as to be expected until the delayed ejaculation side effect began to fade. In an attempt to regain that side effect i went on 50mg of sertraline but the PSSD didn't get any better despite my "depression" seeming to have improved. I didn't feel many side effects on this drug except that i would start to cry over happy things and laugh at sad things, almost like weird trigger response to stimuli. All these symptoms i still have by the way. That summer, being on zoloft i began smoking cannabis. I only smoked moderately to regularly for about 2 and a half months. It really helped with my anhedonia, boosted my libido and made my orgasms amazing. I dont feel like it would have the same effect now for some reason though. I also went on a low dose of buspar for a couple of months on top of all of this. So that summer i was on zoloft 50mg, smoking cannabis, and taking buspar. PSSD same as always. ultimately, i only took zoloft(sertraline) for 6 months. I tapered zoloft really badly. It was like a 3 week taper from 50mg, to 25mg to nothing. I didn't take the dosages consistently, it was just horrible. I had a bad acute withdrawal, with a lot of muscle tenseness, stress, bloating, brain zaps, etc. Most of these went away except i still have the floating stress/tenseness feeling even now. During my initial W/D i went through a lot of stress as well which didn't help of course. however, as the months went past and i started smoking less and less, i noticed more and more symptoms. fatigue, dizziness, visual symptoms, dp/dr, cognitive problems, head pressure, hyper sensitive to stress, sleep problems, light headedness, tinnitus, etc.... over time the PSSD began getting worse, so did the anhedonia, depression started kicking in, i had sinus problems, headaches, muscle weakness, insomnia, cold feet, hair loss, etc the list goes on. Whats funny is my IBS is quite a lot better than it ever was, i barely ever think about it. However despite the initial symptoms going away, most have not. My pssd continues to worsen (possibly due to another cause - still ruling things out) and my my depression/anhedonia, memory, cognitive function, depersonalization/derealization, severe visual distortions etc continues to decline. I dont have the dizziness or head pressure as much but it comes and goes. So there you have it. All of this happened within about 2 years. I know its not much compared to a lot of people here but the effect that these pills have had on me is more than anything i could ever have imagined. I've gone from mild/moderate pssd to moderate to severe sexual dysfunction, my vision has gone from just being short sighted to being completely distorted, a lost my empathy and passion and many other things. everything today is a chore and an effort, i have very little energy, etc etc and i'm 17 months off of zoloft, and the last substance i've ever taken was cannabis so i'm technically 14 months off if you count that and the few benzos i took. I know its early but any reassurance that i will recover really helps. I've had a few good days with my energy, relaxation, cognitive function and possibly even the anhedonia (not by much though). however, the general trend has been an overall decline in function which is very scary. Could it be that this decline suggests that my body is recovering and that i will feel better somewhere down the line? I hope so. So to recap : 20mg Celexa, to 40mg 1 month tapper Elavil - 10 mg. No more Celexa. PSSD symptoms Clonazepam for 1 month. 1 month tapper. took when needed for over a year. Off Elavil Zoloft 25mg to 50mg about 6 months + Buspar Smoking MJ Tapered inconsistently for 2 weeks REALLY bad stress (situational) - Last Sertraline Oct 2012 - Last clonazepam Nov 2012. - Last cannabis Jan 2013 Thanks for reading guys. I'm 17 years old, turning 18 next month and i'm 17 months out.
  5. My name is Natalie and I've been on an anti depressant of some sort since I was 16, I"m 29. For the first time in my life I got off Lexapro 5.5 months ago after tapering for 3 months. Things seemed a little more manageable after the horrific first few months but the past month or so it has been very bad again and I"m scared. I cry all the time, I have insomnia, I have a hard time working-super tired/anxious/irritable. Sometimes my anxiety is debilitating. Lack of hope or motivation. Lots of fear. My fear is this is either just how I am without them or I was on them for so long my brain needs them to be at least moderately functional and if I don't get back on I will end up on disability or something. Has anyone experienced this? Does it get better? Does it just take longer? Or am I kidding myself? It was so hard to get off of them I feel like if I get back on them I will be committed for life, but I also don't want to have to check into a psych ward either :/ lol, funny but not really cause I"m not really kidding THANKS!
  6. Hi, my name is Alex, I am 31 years old and live in Germany. There is a German forum for antidepressent withdrawal and thats where I got a hint to this site. The topic of withdrawal problems is widely unknown in Germany and so I hope that I can get more information here. You can see my history in the signature. I lost my job, my boyfriend, my friends, had to move closer to my parents because I can hardly manage my every day life. My symptoms are ALL the symptoms you find in the SSRI-withdrawal descriptions. Nowadays its mostly bloodcirculation problems, sudden fatigues that border on fainting, heart arrhythmea, vertigo, pain along the spine that is quite unusual, feeling of numbness and pressure in legs and arms, body symptoms of too much stress (hairloss, acne, muscle spasms, sleep deprived, severe allergy symptoms), tinnitus.... Well, its actually more than I can type right now. Its bad. I try not to loose hope, but all thats left of my life is my willpower. I am severly traumatized by my body and the lack of responsibility from the doctors. Thankfully, I have no classic depression symptoms, but I AM very unhappy and very lonely (because I cannot take part in an active life with others). I battle on. Sigh.
  7. Hi -- Livrwort here. I found this site while looking for some hope. I have been dealing with depression off and on for years. there is definitely a family connection, but I feel like I'm ready to be drug free, if i can be. I have tried Zoloft, Paxil,Prozac, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Buspar, and been on and off each, usually fed up with side effects. My first "anti-depressant" - so I thought at the time - was alcohol, which I quit 16 yrs ago. About 4 or 5 years ago, i started Cymbalta, which I thought helped me. However, i gained weight and didn't feel things too much anymore. About a year ago, i decided i didn't want to be addicted to it anymore, and started tapering off. I had tried going to every other day before, with bad results, so this time I went from 7 days to 6 days to 5 days, etc., giving myself about 6-8 weeks between steps. I didn't know anything about the granule-counting business -- probably should have looked it up. Anyway, it has been tough, but i am completely off Cymbalta now, for 3 weeks. This past 3 weeks has been the toughest thing i have ever been through. Physically, I feel ok -- I have a very physical job, and I think that has helped, but the worst thing physically is these "adrenaline rushes" I get. I don't know if this is common, but it is very tiring, and I have to fight the panic 100 times a day. Mentally, it is a fight every day with overwhelming feelings of being useless and worthless, and feeling like there is no point to life. I don't have suicidal thoughts, per se, because there is no way I would ever do that to my husband and kids. But - I feel pretty bad much of the time, and have crying spells (very unlike me) almost daily, if I hear of see anything sad or even just "touching." That makes me feel like a complete idiot. I do still get what people call "brain zaps," if I roll my eyes - I have always called this "maraca head syndrome," because my head "sounds" inside like a maraca when it happens. There are still humorous moments - I guess that is a good sign. I should mention that there has been a lot going on this past year. We have 5 children, and the last left home last Sept., so for the first time in 30 years, I don't have kids at home. Several friends have moved away, and I started the menopause journey as well, this fall. I donated a kidney to a friend in November, and my mother hasn't talked to me since, which has been rough, to say the least. I am very fortunate to have a wonderful husband, and kids, and I appreciate that they are supportive. None of them have taken anti-depressants, and I don't think they understand that the effects of stopping are not just a week or two of discomfort. It's a hard thing to communicate to someone who hasn't experienced it. My greatest hope is that this is a common experience, and that I will emerge from this terrible time and be ok. I don't want to be dependent on Cymbalta or anything else, if I don't have to be. I appreciate that there are so many people out there who are doing it, and I applaud you. I look forward to learning from you.
  8. Hi All, Since this post isn't exactly about a symptom, I'm not sure if it will stay up or not, but I wanted to make the post anyway. With no disrespect to any religions or non-religions out there, I just want to say that I hope you all have a beautiful holiday season and new year. I think we all deserve to hear kind words from someone at this time of year—at EVERY time of year, really—but I know the holidays hit many of us hard, especially dealing with withdrawal. Thanks to those of you on this site who have responded kindly to my frantic posts. You can't know how much your encouragement means. Everybody on this site is in my thoughts this season and always. May we all recover and come back to help others with theirs. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year! Best, WiggleIt