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  1. Hi, I am currently on 15 mg of remeron. I tried to stop when tapered sucessfully down to 3.75. I had withdrawals with anxiety that made me sucidal and I had to go to the hospital. I have come off all other drugs sucessfully in the past. I am scared to death about ever coming off and wondering if I ever should come off. I keep wondering what happens in the future if some reason I can't get the drug. I constantantly obsess now about getting off the drug to the point I've had to go back on tranxene to keep the anxiety down from worring about coming of this drug some day. Should I just stay on it. If it permantly damages the receptors and they don't repair in your brain would it be best to just stay on it. I have GAD so I may need to stay on a drug for life. I got off prozac some years ago and lived symptom free for 4 years until a bad life trauma caused me to have debilitating anxiety for months. I could not work and could not eat. I dropped down to 100 lbs and had to be hospitalized. I have been stabilized on remeron now for over 2 years. Should I try to stop or would it be best for me just to stay on? If I stay on I'm just going to worry about it until I crack up. Right now I found a doctor in Ashville NC, Dr. Daniel Johnson who specializes in helping people safely withdraw from these meds. He has not returned my calls at all. Maybe he is on vacation or something. I even tried contacting Dr. Peter Breggin.. I'm so scared that if I try to come off my brain will be damaged permantely and will not recover. I know I should think like this but even the slightest anixiety can make me suicidal. I don't know if I can ever risk a withdrawal. I had to go to the hospital for my first attempt at this withdrawal. Some of it could have been extra anxiety by worring about the withdrawal rather than the withdrawel itself, but I don't know. Help, I'm scared to even try. Cheryl
  2. Hi all I need advice please on how to move forward due to being cold turkeyed off all medication. I have tried to reinstate olanzapine 5mg but feel so much worse and been refered to gp and been advised medication wont help.Psychiatrists have advised it all psychological after 4 years of medication roulette and various diagnoses. My brain and central nervous system are a total mess and im severely debilitated. I have put in my drug record to the best of my knowledge the last 5 years are a blur! Im at the point where im now scared to take anymore meds and just try to survive. Thanks Beyond help
  3. hello there. i registered here to search for help for symptoms that are bothering me and that came after 15mg of olanzapine for 7-8 months. generally, i've been taking olanzapine for like a year or something, i started with a 5mg dose at 2015, after some time they upped it to 10mg, and then i've had a full-blown psychotic episode and i began taking 15mg. i was hospitalized and there they gave me high doses of 5 different medications. when i came back home, things just weren't the same. okay, that didn't bother me, i was still thinking that it's only a phase. then, month after month, i realized that that "phase" is actually... something deeper, different. so i searched about it on the internet; and saw that "antipsychotics destroy brain". i stopped taking olanzapine cold turkey, which was DEFINITELY a very bad idea. at first, i was very depressed, i don't know if it lasted long enough to be called a major depressive episode, but it was severe. i was full of guilt... but, the worst of it all - i couldn't feel a damn thing. i couldn't enjoy a damn thing. i was on a winter holiday and i'm a skier, but i didn't feel anything while i was skiing. yes, i could leave a bed, but i was doing it only because i felt like the world around me would judge me and criticize me if i didn't. people are supposed to feel happy, free when they're skiing, even scared. i didn't feel anything. i realized that i stopped caring about everything, so, you could tell me a good thing - i would feel nothing (sometimes it was even hard to fake a smile, because it was even hard to move my face). you could tell me a bad thing - i would feel nothing. i had a fear of being criticized, but now, that faded too. but that's okay, to be honest, it's much easier to live without the guilt and at the same time energy to do anything about the guilt you're feeling. and i wanted to feel things. i wanted, and not only wanted, but i still want to feel things. deeply. so i started faking reactions to things... i was like - okay, imagine you're a normal person who didn't go through this kind of situation. how would a normal, rational person react ? and then i reacted that way. i still do that tho, it became some kind of a habit. my concentration is very bad. my will is very bad. i have anhedonia and apathy. my cognitive abilities are awful. but i just can't seem to care. and you know, sometimes you feel bad for not caring about things. i don't even feel bad about not caring, i just don't feel a damn thing. i had a period where i was doing better and was motivated to recover. i still want to recover, but i feel like nothing makes sense and i don't know how to get out of this nonsense. if any of you found sense, can you please tell me how ? i know it's an extremely hard and long process, but i somehow believe that it's possible. WHY ? i went to the neurologist and spent a lot of money on some neurological tests, for example magnetic resonance imaging of the brain. guess what ? IT'S NOT THE BRAIN. IT'S PSYCHE. mind. mental. !!!!!!!!!!!! at least for me. tests can't and don't lie. i believe in those tests, even tho i have all the symptoms of brain damage, i surely don't have a brain damage because i have an evidence. the tests have shown that my brain is perfectly healthy, despite my mental disorder. i don't know about you, but i can recommend checking yourself just to be sure, it can ease the pain, even if you do have a brain damage or if you don't. if you don't have enough money, there are local hospitals where you can check yourself. so that's why i accepted medications and i'm currently using 10mg of escitalopram and i started few days ago aripiprazole 5mg. i'm willing to try things. i just feel so brain-foggy and that's stopping me from doing anything. and now, i'll go and search the forum for some advices from you guys, i will write here again. thanks if you read this. ...and yeah, sorry for a really bad post, i'm not so well right now. i'm glad that i became the part of this community, the feeling that i'm not alone makes me feel better. and it's hell.
  4. Hi all , I am 8 months off reinstated sertraline for a month ( by doc) and Aripropazole. History Its around 4 years back when i passed out my college and not get placed even after making to finals in many interviews .. that i decided to write competitive exam for PG. I had taken coaching but just before exam I came back and found myself unable to recall things. My brain is just like nothing in it. I found myself in despair and stopped studying. This fog is happening all the time since my engineering but I managed to get average marks sometimes and sometimes very good . There is more in back history but I ll get to it later. So, my parents took me to a psychiatrist ( family known) and he put me to Olanzapine and one more thing. He diganosed me bipolar2. I got about 10 pounds on it but its not help . Meanwhile after 4 months, with the help of a relative , I got intern in a company and I moved out with fog to a distant city. TThere in a hospital, they put me on floxetine and Amisulpride for 3 months . Then i moved to a private psychiatrist ... where it starts getting haywire . He stopped fluoxetine and Amisulpride . And put me on Venlafaxine and Seroquel... As i was interning, i get usual heat racing in between job times but my doctor convinced me to stay with it . 4 months and I just started feeling agitated due to stress. It happened that I slapped a senior on abusing me and there I left a job I never happened to get physical in my school or college .. but it happened. Doctor told me to scrap the prescription he wrote of raising Venlafaxine. And he put me paroxetine + Oxcarbazepine. In his words , it is best tolerable and has lesser side effects. I managed to get a job by my own and cracking first time. But this time there is lot of work and culture pressure. Its a startup with full of politics . Boss and his boss .. all keep on putting things. Let office aside, I started feeling some well .. overly casual ... excited .. raged .. Iits about 25 mg Paroxetine and 300/600 mg Oxcarbazepine. I had unusual violent acts .. had hit a school friend .. insomnia.. I decided to leave the paxil by asking the doctor . He said half in a week and then other half a week to off. Thats when it all started , i cannot sleep whole night and with day light i start getting a nap. I left going office with fear of state i was in . I cannot wake and even if I .. i was too tired and angry . Doctor then gave me Mirtazapine which didn't help . I resigned job telling muly boss about all and came back home. It was Nov,2015. I start getting yhese uncontrollable rage that I locked myself in a room. Parents took to a local shrink who put me on Venlafaxine+ Mirtazapine(CRF), lamotrigine, resperidal, Seroquel. The NEXT Day I woke up so fresh .. all calm like 12 yrs back .. i was smiling happy.. but it lasted only 4 hrs .. and i am doomed again . I took those meds 10 days and i decided to go off. Physical Damage. I got brain zaps as sounds with eye movement .. While on Paxil I got severe neck stiffness and movement pains - which came out as Osteophytes. Anger , heart race , memory, fog , chest pains , fatigue ... All I beared for 4 months. Reinstatement after 4 months. Father took me to another psych who put me on Sertraline+ Aripropazole+ Seroquel. I started having increases restless legs than before and the doctor asked me not to go over net. After 2 visits and when he said it wslas Aripropazole for restlessness all time.. and he is cutting it . I stopped all meds . Withdrawals in 8 months. All first symptoms with some new like utter sensitivity in teeth. It is while breathe in most of the teeth . Muscles gone from forearms .. My left hands gone ulnar neuropathy and i got surgery done when no hope lived. Right hand has stiffness too . MAnger I am living with .. I have stopped talking .. I have decided to go sit on my Shop but I was unable to understand the talk . In spite anger biuts and memory makes it difficult to adjust. I keep forgetting people faces .. important talks . So i stopped . Now I am muted all the time with burst inside . Read success stories and play CoC. This is the most I can write now.
  5. I was really stressed out after a breakup with a manipulative ex boyfriend and had a psychotic break in November 2016,I thought he was tracking me and was I was taken to hospital by my parents. While there, I read some material and then thought my ex was going to harm me. So they put me on Risperidone 1mg, saying it was going to help me get better. I think I took that for a week, complaining that it was too strong, they reduced the dose to 0.5mg for 2weeks. I hated the stuff and had leg twitching at night, so they took me off and gave me Ativan and Seroquel for 2 days. I then switched to Latuda 10mg for a week and one day, on the way to the hospital, I jumped out of the car, completely scared and was admitted again to the psych ward. (I think it was the meds b/c I felt confined in my seatbelt in the backseat and felt restless, plus I was feeling extremely suicidal). I was readmitted and given paliperidone (invega) which turned me into an emotional zombie and was taking 6mg for 2 months, I went up to 9mg for a week and they lowered it back to 6mg b/c it blunted me severely. I started to develop restlessness, so they switched me onto abilify (aripiprazole) 10mg for 1 1/2 months to try and get rid of the restlessness. It didn't work, but I did become more of myself on it. I was then switched onto 5mg olanzapine (zyprexa) and have been on it for about 1 1/2 months. It has made me gain weight, I haven't had a period in 5 months (I had a period when I was switching from abilify to olanzapine),I feel less motivation, less joy, thoughtless, constipated, etc. I am a 36yr old female and I used to be vibrant, funny, thin, centre of attention, outgoing, active and now I'm none of that. The doctors say I have schizophrenia and I have to be on these meds for 1-2 years b/c I had only one psychotic episode and you can try to come off the meds at that time (which scares me from hearing all the horror stories and I don't want to have the doctor put me back on these meds for the rest of my life). I had no mental illness before this and now all of a sudden I have this b/c I had a psychotic break and delusional thoughts for a brief period of time.
  6. Hello I recently withdrew from two psychiatric medications, Zoloft (Sertraline)and Zyprexa (Olanzapine) after a 15 year forced dependency which started when I was court-ordered to take them in 1998 for depression. In Feb. 2014, I finally quit the pills for the 4th and final time. The withdrawal symptoms were quite severe, probably similar to those of heroin, only instead of the people who care for you trying to help you get off the drugs, in the case of psych meds., everyone is dead set on you continuing to stay on them. I went about 6 straight days without sleep while trying to get off the pills, constantly throwing up all over my apartment (my parents had to bring over a steam cleaner to clean up all the huge piles of vomit, while at the same time admonishing me to go back on the meds.) I developed extreme lightheadedness. When I would turn my head to look at something it would take a moment or two for my field of vision to catch up. I suffered from those brain shocks which I thought might be some suppressed memories of the many rounds of ECT that were administered to me, against my will, back in the mid 1990's. I nearly died on a couple of occasions during the withdrawal as my blood sugar levels plunged so low that I was forced to crawl to my kitchen and shove wadded-up pieces of white bread soaked in either oyster sauce, fish sauce or salad dressing (for proteins and sugars) into my mouth to avoid collapsing on the floor, but somehow I did it, I got clean. I had kicked the pills cold turkey three times previously (twice in 2004 and again for 10 months in 2005-6) only to be put back on them. The last time in 2005-6, I had been given the choice of either taking the pills and being given a bed in a local group home on a 0° F January evening or else to go rough it in a snowbank (I had been evicted from my apt. after falling a month behind in rent). The pills (Zoloft originally at 200mg that on my own advice I scaled back to 100mg at the time of my withdrawal. Zyprexa originally at 17.5mg that I had reduced to 10mg) basically ruined my health. Within a couple of years of starting on the meds in 1998, I had gone from a lithe and slender 6' tall 160 lbs man to a portly 230 pounder,, with all the weight gain going into my belly and thighs (Blech!). My cholesterol and triglyceride levels tripled. I had copious amounts of diarrhea daily. My blood pressure was absolutely wrecked. When kneeling down or squatting on my haunches, at say a grocery store or maybe a bookstore, to look at something on a low shelf, upon rising I would start to nearly black-out or swoon due to massive head rushes and would have to hold on to shelving for about a minute or so until I regained my vision and sense of balance. And from about 2006 on, I became no more than some sluggish, gorging hibernating animal that slept between 12 and 16 hours a day, sometimes as much as 20 hrs a day (watching T.V. was my only other occupation) where I would hardly more than move from my bed to the couch only to fall asleep 3 hours later for upwards of 4-6 hours, sometimes for as much as 10 hours. I was sleeping so much that when I woke, I often had no idea if it was early morning or late evening. I would have the most awful and depressing nightmares of being strapped into a dentist's chair while doctors would be cramming every conceivable pill down my throat in an attempt to kill me. The sedative-like effects of the drugs, combined with a horrible and untreated case of sleep apnea due to smoking and a severely broken nose as a teenager, left me completely fatigued all the time. I usually only left my apartment once a week to stock up on groceries. Since the harrowing experience of withdrawal, my health and spiritual well-being have greatly improved. I began a 4-6 mile a night brisk walking regiment and starting biking between 10-20 miles a day which resulted in me losing 45 lbs in 3 months. While before on the pills, I could hardly stay awake, now I can barely get to sleep. My insomnia is sometimes so bad (3-4 hrs of sleep a day, often none) that I resemble a real live? zombie (I call my condition, Inzombia) but considering how low my spirits had been on the pills, I'm just happy to live an active life again, even if I do suffer bouts of sleeplessness. I've spent several hundred hours since early last year either volunteering picking up trash from local parks and lakes or else helping out at a local thrift store and my creative spirit has flourished. I have filled something like 15 fifty page notebooks full of my poetry (both of a serious and humorous nature) and have written many short pieces of memoir, one of which is entitled In Servitude to the Devil, and is about my nearly indescribable and entirely hellish experience in 1995-1996, when for six months, I suffered from brain damage and akathisia brought on by the forced administration of Resperdine, Prozac and Paxcil. I thought I might end this piece with two short poems of mine The Psychiatrist His pills amount to fool's gold; his lab-coat: starched and anti-sceptically white He professes to be a doctor, but he's a neuro-nazi in my sight. A Reflection On Our Times So much lust and vanity under the sun Surely God is our pariah as we have our fun.
  7. Hello fellow withdrawers (if that's a word), I'm Bokart and I'm here on a journey to quit my medication of Olanzapine. Down to 7,5 mg at the moment (see my signature). My story short: back in February 2015 I got admitted in psych ward due to psychosis (due to my destroyed sleep because of my night-shift work). There began my involuntary medication of Olanzapine, which pulled me out of a psychosis, so at least it did some good. I was released from the hospital after two weeks of being there. Now, after jojoing with my olanzapine dose (see signature), I'm finally set to quit it for good. I found this community after searching for succesfull withdrawal stories on the internet and found this community to be great, people being helpful and supportive and giving good advice... I know it can get rough when I approach smaller doses so I do know I will need support. And hopefully I can give support too and offer people hope after and during my taper. I know lots of people are in the same boat as me. Why I want to quit? I got no sexuality anymore, my motivation lacks big time, even personal hygiene is suffering because of that. I can't memorize things like before - learning is difficult. I have very little emotions left in me, basically I'm a dumbed down version of myself nowadays with this drug. I have little social skills - which I would badly need because I plan on working with children in school so some situational awareness is needed (I might have to quit my studies due to me making no progress in my studies... due to this drug). No happines, no enjoying things, lethargy and demotivation... About my psychosis, after it was gone I haven't had any symptoms of it returning (like delusions, paranoia, hallucinations), even after trying to quit my drug cold turkey once, which I see as a good sign. Now I don't want to slip into psychosis again so I need to be extra careful with my taper. After I hit 5,625 mg I will go on tapering by feeling, so no reductions until I feel stable enough. My main concern is sleep. I have a prescribed medication of temazepam (a benzodiazepine), which I can use when my insomnia has hit a threshold of needing immediate attention. I'm trying to limit my use of it to every three days to prevent tolerance and dependence (I know benzodiazepine withdrawals can be bad). But the thing is, lack of sleep led me to psychosis once, so it is a big deal to me. I need at least one night on a while to hit at least 4 hours of uniterrupted sleep, which 40 mg of temazepam does. I've tried many other sleep aids such as low to medium dose of quietiapine (no effect), low to medium dose of levomepromazine (didn't help), low dose of doxepine (no effect), even melatonine and l-tryptophan and 5-htp and none of those helped. One thing that helped me though was phenibut combined with temazepam - I slept 13 hours with that combination! So I know I have an emergency brakes on my train now (assuming that combination works again, haven't taken phenibut in 2 months to avoid tolerance and dependency), but I'm planning on limiting the use of this combination to once a month. On this dose of 7,5mg I'm currently having 2-3 hours of good uninterrupted sleep plus 3-4 hours of bad, constantly waking up kind of sleep So, thank you all for being here! And I wish a speedy recovery to those who are withdrawing from their drugs, we are all here together.
  8. Hello: I am new to this forum. I am tapering zyprexa. I was put on 10 mg in the hospital at the beginning of December. In the first week of January, I cut down to 8.50, then 7.5. for 10 days. Right now I am at 6.25 mg, and have been at that level for 1 week. They decided to put me on zoloft in the hospital as it "works fast" the doctors said, and is being used "until the zoloft kicks in". I am very impatient to get off zyprexa, and figured if I join your group, I would get support from people to help me be patient and wait enough time between cuts. Still figuring out how to do the signature. Will add it when I do. I am also on a whopping dose of 200 mg Zoloft, also given in the hospital. Before that, I had been 6 months free of Zoloft after tapering it for at least 3 years or even more. It was a huge disappointment to end up in the hospital and to have to go on it again.
  9. Hi folks, First of all I'm new to this site, so feel free to tell me I'm in the wrong area or redirect me.. But here's my story... I currently have what I think is severe anhedonia. Last July, I was a bit depressed (I stress a bit, not majorly).......doctor gave me lexapro 10. After taking this, I vomited on the first night and developed sleep problems. Later in the week, I was given 25 seroquel which apparently would help balance out adverse effects of lexapro.......by the end of the week, I wasn't sleeping and I was suicidal. I subsequently was admitted to hospital. In hospital, I got more and more meds thrown at me and my mid august I was on 125 seroquel, 30 mirtazapine, 20 lexapro, 20 Olanzapine/Zyprexa....My main problem was the medication ripped my stomach apart.....the docs didn't believe me and just gave me more and more meds. I left hospital anyway on the concoction I mentioned.....I spent the following four months on these meds. During those four months, I felt no emotion whatsever, nothing. I felt suicidal, and that I would never recover. I had no desire to do anything. I just stayed in bed until late in the day, even though my sleep did not feel like real sleep. By mid November, i realised that the medication was messing me up, I demanded that I gradually come off everything. On that day, the doctor dropped the mirtazapine, and cut everything else in half. There was a quick taper, maybe too quick, and by christmas eve I was off everything. There were brief windows of emotion during the taper but still 95% anhedonia. Days after I went off everything....I cried for the first time in six months.....days later I laughed for the first time in months... I'm now 6 weeks off everything, I had huge headaches up unitl last week. My stomach started to improve after going off everything and is on the mend. However, I'm still worried about emotions/desires/thoughts etc.....over the last six weeks....I've had maybe 5 occassions where I felt strong positive emotions...and maybe 3 times where I've been sad/angry to the point of proper crying. outside of those 8 occassions, there's still an awful amount of flat feeling, apathy etc... I'm worried and wonder how long or if I will recover at all. Feedback welcome!!
  10. I am writing this as an addendum to My Story which details what ADs did to my life and discusses to a degree how I got my life back. However, I am writing this to elaborate on what certain problems where posed both physically and logistically after I stopped taking medications. Please keep in mind that I went COLD TURKEY and did not taper, which differentiates me from many people on here; also my story took place over 10 years ago, so my memory is not is 100% clear which means it is hard for me to apply a quantitative number to aspects of my physical recovery. In 2002 I quit cold turkey from a drug cocktail that included an Antidepressant (Celexa), an Antipsychotic (Zyprexa), an Anticonvulsant (Depakote), a Benzo (Ativan), a Z-Drug (Ambien) and a prescription diet pill (Phenteramine – given to me by my pdoc to lose the 60 pounds of weight I gained from the other weight gaining medications). The physical ramifications of quitting cold turkey where hard core, and lasted to the best of my recollection in hard core form for six months. These were: insomnia, exhaustion, akathesia, flu-like symptoms, headaches, nausea and vomiting, total loss of appetite and over-sensitivity to certain substances. There were also mental symptoms: overwhelming memories, mania, depression, over-emotional reactions to certain situations (e.g. crying or extreme anger) and PTSD from the whole ordeal. It is important to note that many of these symptoms continued to linger in a much lesser form for several years. I know that many of you would like a firm number of how long I suffered, but I cannot put a number on it because I started my recovery in 2002 – 10 years ago. This is further complicated by the fact that to get through the exhaustion from WD, I smoked cigarettes anywhere from one to one and a half packs for many years after. Since smoking can mimic some of the symptoms of WD (loss of appetite, headaches, mania, anger) it is hard to delineate what was what. However, I do believe that smoking provided mental focus that I would not have had otherwise. I finally quit smoking in 2007, five years after stopping meds. It was an odd thing, I just stopped one day and no longer wanted to smoke anymore. Maybe this was a sign of my recovery, but it may also have been a reaction to the fact that because of NY laws and my husband, if I needed to smoke I had to go outside. Smoking outside in the rain or cold was getting stupid. I do believe that part of this was a sign of final recovery – I didn’t need to mask symptoms anymore. So if this is true, and I had to put a number on it – I would say I battled with minor symptoms and PTSD for five years So what problems was I left with after drugs had stolen my life? And how did I regain control? Here is a list: Weight Gain A ruined job history A ruined credit history from filing Chapter 7 Bankruptcy Over $20K in debt to the IRS plus two tax liens PTSD Estrangement from my family I was fully aware of the PTSD, and would think on occasion of reaching out to a therapist. However, because the whole ordeal left me extremely suspicious of the whole field of mental health, I declined to reach out to anyone. So based on this list, I will try to tackle how I recovered in each area: 1) Weight Gain: I lost my appetite during WD and I also became a huge walker. In one year I lost sixty pounds with little effort. I did eat, but I ate very small meals, 200 kcal 3-5 times a day, mostly high protein and I ate an apple a day and I drank a TON of herbal tea. 2) A ruined job history: I had been fired from three high paying jobs, all in IT. I had no references, a job gap of four years, but I had good computer and office skills so I reached out to temporary agencies. I worked as a temp for many years, in the NY/NJ area only taking jobs at Fortune 500 companies. I built up my resume this way. Today, I list those jobs as “contract” and I explain that I liked the flexibility of “contract work” and that I was in the process of getting married and building a home with my husband, no one questions it. 3) A ruined credit history: I got a copy of all three of my credit reports and joined a credit law forum. I found that there were many examples where creditors where breaking either or both the FCRA or FDCPA laws on my credit report. I also hired an attorney. The attorney got 50% of it cleared up, I got the other 50% cleared up myself by tenacious letter writing and disputing with the Credit Bureaus. The forum I used had a great database of creditors who gave people with Bankruptcy on their reports a card with a small credit line; I applied to all of these and rebuilt my credit this way. When I married my husband in 2005, he added me as an authorized user to his accounts, giving me a longer and stronger credit history. 4) Tax Debt and Liens: After hiding from the IRS for several years, I contacted them and got on an installment plan. Because I was not working at the time I called them, my payment amount was on $185 for $20K+ in debt. I paid it faithfully for years; in October 2011 I was paid in full. Because the IRS has a law that you cannot pay more than 25% in interest and penalties of the actual tax debt, a good $10K got knocked off the total bill. But I still had two tax liens on my credit report. I did some research and found out about a service called the Tax Advocate service which is run through the IRS. I contacted my local Tax Advocate. For the sake of brevity, I will not go into the details of how I argued my case to get two tax liens released, but I did and in 2005 poof they were gone from my life and my credit report. If anyone needs more info, I would be happy to answer questions later in this post. 5) PSTD: I just endured this, but chose to embrace anger over victimhood. I was one extremely angry person for many years and I ruminated and had nightmares for years. I often thought about writing the SHRINK who did this to me, but refrained. One thing that I learned from this whole ordeal was to trust in my instincts which was empowering and allowed me to pick and chose my relationships with people and situations that were good for me. I let go of many friends who were not healthy for me. 6) Estrangement from my family: In 2003 I was estranged from my entire family (father, mother and brother). Today I am by choice still estranged from by father and brother. This is because I realize it is futile to ever expect them to change and to stay in relationship with them will only hurt me. I have however, repaired my relationship with my mother. I am extremely happy to share that six months ago I convinced her to move from Illinois to New York and reclaim her life. She tapered off multiple pmeds herself around 2007 and was left with two medical conditions diabetes and downbeat nystagmus from taking lithium and depakote for many years. She lived alone, my brother who lived close by was not helping her, and she was not getting the proper medical attention so she agreed with me. Today she lives 2 miles away from me, we are extremely close and I have helped her get her life back. My husband and she adore each other. So that is how I put the pieces of my life back after being devastated by polypharmacy. And I joined this forum because I think it is important that people know that taking these medications can be extremely harmful on so many levels. I hope this information helps someone out there. Please feel free to post any questions you may have. I wish all of you the best and trust that if I could restore my life which was utterly devastated by psychiatry, you can too.
  11. Hi, I have a long history (18 years) of psych drug usage and have been on antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilisers. I recently (1 month ago) started Zyprexa again because I had a crisis, and this time it didn't really work as well as it had in the past. I took 10mg and I passed out and felt awful and later was admitted to a private hospital, where various other drugs were added. I am now on 2.5mg Zyprexa and would like to get off it because I am pre-diabetic. Given that I have only been on it for a month, is a 25% reduction per week ok? I have withdrawn off it before and I am petrified. I feel in general that my mental health has declined quite a bit this year, so I am not sure if I could handle the withdrawal. Having said that though, going off it gives me hope that I will feel better and have my cognition back. Is this a realistic expectation? Zyprexa withdrawal is very rough. And unfortunately Zyprexa has affected my memory quite a bit. I am quite confused too at the moment, because I have seen too many shrinks and they all have different diagnosis and views for me. My shrink of 18 years pretty much gave up on me recently because I discharged against his advice from a private hospital where he consulted. I only did this because he wanted to start me on Abilify to replace the Zyprexa and after one dose, I had horrible side effects which he didn't believe. My life is in a complete mess at the moment and I am very sad at what psych drugs have done to me :__( Thanks Rico
  12. Hi, I'm new to the forum, I have some questions I want to ask. My doctor prescribed effexor for depression, in 2009. Now I'm free of symptoms and I managed to come off with withdrawal symptoms though. That's with the antidepressant. Now I'm on Risperdal consta from November 2013 and seroxat 10mg. My doctor prescribed with risperdal consta 3,3mg/day long acting injection every two weeks. From February 2015 he lowered the dosage to 25mg/every 2 weeks equals 1,66mg/day. I tried to lower the seroxat 10mg but after 40-45h I have withdrawal symptoms vertigo, dizziness. Is it possible to cut down seroxat? How about the Risperdal consta (long acting injection). Has anyone tapered off completely without withdrawals? I read about the 10% harm reduction procedure to taper off and I'm going to tell my doctor and follow. thanks in advance
  13. Hi people, I've found this site via google. I am a 37 year old male trying to come off olanzapine 5mg. My doctor said to take a quarter less of the tablet to start with. I'm suffering bad withdrawal symptoms including headaches,pains in neck, arms, legs etc, high anxiety, sweating, loss of appetite etc. I came down from 10mg to 5mg fine which I find strange. Anyway I hope to find some help from this site. Thanks for reading this
  14. Hello everyone. This is a little lengthy post although I tried to keep it shorter ... I have a history of depression going back to 2008 after stressful job. In 2012 I started feeling better and was on Viepax and Zyprexa (Olanzapine) at that time. Started running 2 miles a couple times per week and also started spending more time at the beach. Felt mood improvement to the point of feeling euphoric or maybe hypomaniac, which is a good thing for me. Went from 253lbs to 190lbs and it seemed all was good as I felt there was a direction I was going, a progress. Last summer started feeling anxious. I was overexercising because it helped me to maintain focus on my business. Every time I felt relief, sharp mind and could focus and accomplish a lot of tasks. I think I have pushed myself too far and became out of balance. As a consequence I have suffered anxiety and depression. I had suicidal thoughts because I felt guilty and failed to reach a goal that I had. I thought I needed medication that would relieve anxiety and depression that I experienced in the morning. On February 2017 I went to psychiatrist who without reinventing the wheel prescribed me Zyprexa because it was last medication that I took before I felt better. Had I known the side-effects this medication causes I would not go to psychiatrist at all. All I needed was anxiety and stress relief because I thought once these are taken care of, this would relieve depression too. What I got was weight gain of 11lbs despite being active and eating well. It became harder to wake up and exercise as I became less motivated. I became a bit slower and noticed it was harder to focus on daily business tasks. Having heard that Zyprexa is a toxic drug that affects metabolism and causes fatty liver I decided to taper. I would be better without it because my problems were not that big of a deal when you weight in trade-off. I didn't want to gain weight that I worked hard to reduce and get in shape. As I lately started tapering with 1.25mg and had missing days of medication I experienced total depression and I don't know whether it was withdrawal symptoms or something that would happen either way. I had those days with depression before I started taking Zyprexa, so I don't know. To describe, I was waking up late and had no motivation whatsoever to do anything, despite I had a lot to do. It's like all the tasks became blurred and world turned upside down. I think I was finding happiness in food only and after eating, I would go to sleep. A complete empty feeling with no purpose to live for. After reading about tapering I understand that I started tapering and reduced dosage too soon. It is recommended to taper at 10% every 2-3 weeks. I did go from 5mg to 2.5mg and to missing dosage. It was less gradual than it is supposed to. Zyprexa does not have divider marks so I am not sure how to make it exact and less than 1/4 portion. The day before yesterday I missed the dosage intentionally and felt bad yesterday until I went outside in the evening and felt better. I took the 1.25mg dosage 4 hours later in the evening than I used to because I didn't want to experience withdrawal. Today feels good. What wold be your advice to someone who went significantly faster from normal dosage to low dosage and no dosage? Should I get back on 2.5mg and taper off at 10% or 1.25mg and taper at 10%? Within how many weeks should I adjust taper? See my signature for my tapering timeline. Thanks. Thank you!
  15. I'm writing on behalf of my daughter (18) who has now been on Olanzapine based tablets for 2 months. She suffered a shock some time after graduation. At the time, she showed signs of being lost/not recognizing that her mother was present/wanting to go home. After a lot of discussions, we now suspect it was due to being withdrawn (something we unfortunately didn't see as a serious problem then), not being involved enough in external activities and mixture of feeling of not fitting in in high school,some issues about "looks",trying to find an escape on the web (lot of time spent) and overexertion in an attempt to pass each year. After this shock, we drove to the hospital to see what should be done. My daughter exhibited anxiety there and was put on a drip to get some energy and 10mg/day (night dose) Olanzapine based tablets. I'm working from home, so naturally I could follow my daughters progress closely. 10mg/day was a horror story - headaches, early morning anxiety/looked heavily sedated, invoking vomiting upon sight of food, felt that people she heard were talking about her, slight phobia of other people. After two days, of this, I saw that something needed to be done, but since I couldn't get in contact with the doctor in question, I took things into my own hands (but unfortunately without too much reading on the web) and cut the dose to 5mg/day. My daughter's situation improved drastically, and the doctor just indicated that that was OK. At that point in time, I just started feeling very uneasy about those tablets and the doctor - the issue with the high does just made me loose complete trust in that doctor. I called another doctor to get another opinion about the dose but was just given information which I felt was very similar to the present doctor. I then reduced the dose further to something over 3/4 of the 5mg tablet and took my daughter to a Psychologist as I felt the time and progress at the psychiatrist were not giving results. My daughter's situation improved further (less anxiety), but she showed more sensitivity to sound/light/smell and now has more of a phobia that people are talking about her and feels shame that she is visiting a psychologist/psychiatrist . I tried reducing the dose ever so slightly again (using a precise scale) .At this point in time, I had (unfortunately late) found out that decreasing the dosage should be done very slowly - so maybe I'm to blame for some of the side effects due to withdrawl. Yes, I did take things into my own hands without doctor's backing because I simply don't believe these tablets are helping my daughter unless heavy sedation is a solution - so I am looking for any way to get her off these tablets/ finding alternative solutions to her problem. My daughter is now at some 2.9mg/day - I would appreciate any advice as to who could help me with information on what I should do regarding the dose (I am keeping it at 2.9mg for now - although I don't see it helping) , sensitivity side effects and her phobia of what people think/shame (other than physiotherapy). Personally, I would very much like her taken completely off tablets, but would like to hear feedback from a doctor who doesn't take Olanzapine so lightly as the doctors I have met. I forgot to mention one important point / the side effects I mention seem to lessen as the day passes - so that by evening time, I cannot notice them on my daughter and her communication and reactions seem "normal" - another reason why I feel that she should be taken off Olanzapine. My daughter is supposed to start college next week and I'm not sure how she could be helped to cope with that. On the other hand, not attending, besides the obvious , will mean once chance less for meeting people/ helping her to get over her phobia.
  16. Hello I always wanted to return to the site and thank all that helped me in the dark hours and also the forum owner and originator for the tireless work that has helped so many people Heres my thread when I first asked for help http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6865-andy-hello-tapering-from-zyprexa/ I wont go into how I finally quit the drug because it wasnt the normal 10% approach although I tried 5 times and failed miserably.I found a good understanding doctor who helped me reduce and more than anything listened to me without prejudice.This helped enormously,I finally jumped off at 1.25mg and to be honest it wasnt to bad,by far the worst reduction was going just under 2.5mg,I had severe migraines ,nausea,heart palpitations,sickness,depression,mania,mood swings and relentless insomnia.The insomnia was by far the worst symptom as it made me anxious and very irritable ,all this while trying to be a good father and holding down a very stressful and demanding job.Of all the drugs I was put on Zyprexa was the hardest to quit,it was hell and back but it can be done I have recently started my Taekwondo training again that I practiced for over 15 years but couldnt while I was on this terrible drug,I now feel calmer and sleep well.I put on over 3 stone while on zyprexa even though I ate a well balanced diet,I felt lethargic and had no interest in life,that has all changed and the weight is coming off steadily. Excercise has been the most helpful tonic for me and even when I had had zero sleep I went to my class and worked out.It slowly but steadily improved my sleep and made me feel confident again that I could get over all of this,when you start to see improvements you start to see light at the end of the tunnel Things are heading in the right direction and my outlook on life is positive once again.I feel good Once again thankyou for all your help and for people just starting the journey dont ever give in it can be done,god bless you all Andy
  17. Hi I am currently on Olanzapine 5mg and have recently found the motivation to attempt another withdrawal. I was first put into the mental hospital in 2007 after taking quite a lot of cocaine and drinking a lot of alcohol. I was living in London at the time. I was immediately put on Olanzapine in the hospital and I think I took 10mg for about 7 months then I decided to quit. I didn't know anything about tapering then and must have stopped cold turkey from 5mg or 2.5mg. I had severe insomnia and lasted for about a year before developing psychosis or mania or an extreme state and ended up in the mental hospital again. From 2009 to 2010 I took Olanzapine again for about 8 or 9 months and then withdrew abruptly from 2.5mg Olanzapine again I experienced terrible insomnia. In August 2010 I again ended up in the mental hospital. From March 2011 I again tried to stop taking Olanzapine. I lasted until Jan 2012 before ending up in the mental hospital. This time I was encouraged to go on Lithium. Believing this would be a better choice than Olanzapine I switched to Lithium and again I experienced horrendous insomnia from the Olanzapine withdrawal and didn't seem to get much relief from the Lithium. From November 2012 I managed to get my GP to prescribe Lorazapam which helped with my sleep somewhat and subdued some of the terror and fear I was feeling. I decided in 2013 to reduce the Lithium, which I had been on of 800mg, and I did a really gradual cut of the pills. But I still wasn't sleeping well and I was probably by that time hooked on the Lorazapam and experiencing inter-dose withdrawal. I still didn't sleep much and was very afraid most of the time. In January 2014 my new GP insisted that I taper off from the Lorazapam as they were dead against me being on them. Anyway my sleep became worse and ended up in the mental hospital again. So I was put on 20mg of Olanzapine in the hospital and I eventually stopped taking 0.5mg of Lorazapam. I got a job in June 2014 and didn't want to be so drugged so I reduced my dose of Olanzapine from 20mg to 10mg to now 5mg without any ill efffects. So I have been on Olanzapine 5mg for about a year now. I sleep well but I feel quite tired during the day, I am apathetic and have no interest in doing things. And a big problem for me is I can't read easily. I have decided to taper by dissolving a 5mg Olanzapine velotab in water and reducing the dose by 10% each month on the reduced dose, assuming my GP is willing to give me that. I am hoping if I take it really slow (17 months) then I can withdraw without the insomnia. I am compelled to keep trying to get off drugs even though I've been in the hospital 5 times.
  18. I'm having a hard time taper off 2.5 mg of zyprexa. I went every other day for 7 days then quit taking it and only managed to go two nights before insomnia and anxiety kicked in. I'm on zyprexa for sleeping anyway, is there hope for me getting off this drug?
  19. Hi! My story, feel free to skip it, it's long - as a child I had allergy problems, was a frequent user of various antihistamine drugs, as well as corticosteroids. At 12 I had a psychotic outbreak, coupled with severe depression, outbursts of crying, apathy, I was briefly hospitalised after a suicide attempt, diagnosed with schizophrenia and put on risperidone. During the next 3 years I was put on other antipsychotics, as the risperidone wasn't making any difference, at 14 years old I was put on olanzapine, also around that time the psychosis passed and things began looking up. I was home-schooled at that time. At 15 I tried quitting cold turkey, I was told by my doctor - and that is the only doctor out of the many I've dealt with that acknowledged such thing as withdrawal existed, that is if I understood her correctly - that I had to withdraw it during the course of several months or else I could seriously harm myself. She actually didn't necessarily have to mean that, since later on I was told by other doctors that the tapering is recommended only so that the doctor can observe the patient and prevent a potential relapse (they also recommended weeks, not months long taper). So at 15 all hell broke lose, sadly since I didn't have any information to act on then, despite the whole thing seeming slightly fishy, I assumed it was the illness returning. I experienced low body temperature, psychosis, anxiety, depression, tiredness and muscle weakness. At 17 I attempted the second cold turkey withdrawal, mostly because I'd switched to Abilify and it gave me an unmanageable stomachache. That withdrawal put me out of school for a year, also I experienced severe psychosis + the other symptoms, and sinusitis. After that withdrawal I was put on amisulpride and shortly afterwards zoloft, which was my mother's suggestion, to offset the depression she assumed was caused by the drug. Things stabilised after that, I moved to London from my native country, and managed to enroll on a course. And then I tried withdrawing again, because things seemed so good. Around that time also I stumbled on a Guardian article by Joanna Montcrieff about the possibility of drug withdrawal mimicking illness. But the thought of withdrawing a drug for a year or longer seemed really outlandish, I just took a month. The third withdrawal hit me real hard, this time it was amisulpride + zoloft, I was really half conscious at that time, an extremely lethal state, I had to go back home and quit my course, I also got in debt, because higher education isn't free in the UK. So, feeling a bit desperate I decided to give the year long withdrawal a go. Because amilsulpride throughout the time I took it, was causing massive akathisia (my doctor persuaded me to stay on it because it was in his opinion so motivating), I switched to olanzapine again. I actually initially tried taking amisulpride, but the leg restlessness made me unable to sleep or do anything else for that matter, it was even worse than before. I know people suggest tapering by 10% of the previous dose, but tapering for 7 years would have driven me insane, so I just did 10% of the original dose every 2 weeks. And it worked, after 10 months my motivation, intelligence, great deal of pleasure and consciousness returned, no psychosis, just lots of nausea and some anxiety when tapering, a bit of a psychotic state somewhere along the way, but it passed quickly. Also the gastrointestinal symptoms went away, they'd been bothering me ever since that hospitalisation, and the doctors kept telling me it was most likely the leaky gut syndrome. Looking back, it was also really funny when a renown psychiatrist in this country told me about there being two groups of people suffering from schizophrenia (or taking antipsychotics), one helplessly ill, whom drugs can only calm down and who need to be constantly hospitalised and locked away, and the other drug, who thrive on these medicines, but can't live without them. I'm also fairly sure that one of those anti-allergy drugs caused the first state to begin with, it was really too similar to the later withdrawals (also scientists openly admit now to the possibility of corticosteroids causing psychosis). So now, about a year later, I'm through withdrawing the zoloft, but it has been way more painful than withdrawing olanzapine, extremely painful. No psychosis during that withdrawal, but massive allergy attacks, muscle pain, low body temperature, weakness, nausea, one anxiety attack. And towards the very end I had horrible insomnia, very little sleep for a few consecutive days, and I just had to do the silliest thing, that is, still thinking about drugs the way I'd thought before, I took 80 milligrams of hydroxyzine without checking what receptors it affected (just thought about it as a sleeping pill). It did help the insomnia, also relieved a lot of the pain, but here I am, a week after stopping the drug, and I'm getting a really bad case of deregulated histamine system. So, my questions is, has anyone here experienced a rather brutal SSRI withdrawal like this one, possibly also taking such a large dose of hydrox (which affects two of the same receptors SRRIs affect), and if and when did the post-withdrawal symptoms pass. I'm getting really bad low body temperature, fluctuating between 36.0 and 36.4, bouts of sleepiness and really unpleasant joint/muscle pain. I know histamine controls body temperature, sleep, cognition and pain sensitivity and so I've just been worried the one, but large dose of hydroxyzine has messed this up. It's been almost a week and it is probably too early to tell whether this will pass, but I can't help but worry about it. The withdrawal is still definitely better than the last time, in a month, and much worse than withdrawing the AP (when I got some intense anxiety states towards the end, but neither anything this intense during most of the time spent withdrawing or afterwards). It could be either caused by the shorter half-life of Zoloft, or the fact that it is the second and last drug and their functioning overlaps (they affect some of the same receptors, for instance they are both histamine and adrenaline agonists). Thanks in advance.
  20. Hi Andy, New to this site. Thanks for sharing your story. I am mom to 17 year old who was hospitalized last year due to psychosis. He had gone 5 days without sleeping and we missed all the signs. He was put on Zyprexa at 15mg. After 5 months of outpatient treatment we had him completely weaned off. He went from the Zyprexa to Oxcarbazapine. He eventually went off of that too - all within a 6 month period. Psychiatrist believed it was a one time episode due to lack of sleep. A year later - to the day, he came to us to let us know he hasn't slept again. Melatonin and unisom did not work so we gave him the Oxcarbazapine. It also did not help. The Psychiatrist had told us if we were ever in the situation again, to give him the Zyprexa. We just did. It has been 3 days with two - 2 hour sleeping periods. He is terrified of this medication but he is finally sleeping. We don't want this to be part of his routine as he could barely function on it. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks for any insight
  21. Hi Everyone, I'm new here, this is my first post. I'm struggling with completely withdrawing from Olanzapine / Zyprexa. I had slowly slowly cut down my dose to 1.25mg's and then I decided to go completely off it. I managed to do about 3 weeks and my doctor (who also gives me psychotherapy) convinced me I was going hypomanic and I believed him and went back on it at 10mg's. This was about a month ago. I've cut my dose down since then. I'm not totally convinced I have bipolar disorder, although at the end of my last attempt to come off I was aware that I was having quite grandiose ideas (e.g., my thoughts were telling me I should try to play serious level sport and when I'm on this drug I don't play any sport!) I'm a bit cross with myself as I did so well to be completely off Olanzapine for 3 weeks and then I voluntarily put myself back on it. I was scared that I was actually going hypomanic and that If I didn't go back on Olanzapine I would end up in full blown mania; which sort of has happened but there has always been outside reasons for me entering extreme states (i.e. extreme fighting with my parents). TBH with you all; I don't know who to believe anymore. Myself, the doctors, I don't know who I can trust. I sure as hell feel so damn flat, lethargic, antipathetic on Olanzapine, but when I come off i'm told I'm going hypomanic. I just don't know what to do. I think my plan at the moment is to reduce, slowly, to 2.5mg's and see how I behave at that level. I may even try chopping that in half and taking 1.25mg's and see how I behave at that. I'm slightly scared that my Dad is paying a lot of money for me to see this private psychotherapist (whose also a psychiatrist) twice a week, and he may be wrong that I need to be on a small dose of Olanzapine. Of course, this is his job and he may also be right and I'm in (understandable) denial that i have bipolar. As I said, I don't know who or what to believe anymore. Lost, but somehow still going. Simo
  22. Hello all, just found this site and was looking for some advice on tapering off antipsychotic's. It all started about 11 months ago when I was prescribed saphris for depression by my pdoc to augment pristiq, (I know I should have known better). All was fine until about three months in when I started slowly developing anhedonia, just a complete lack of interest in life, it messed up my endocrine system, and destroyed my short term memory. Having successfully quit seroquel cold turkey in the past I thought saphris would be a breeze.... Boy was I wrong, only managed to make it there days in before the overwhelming anxiety (which I've never had before)and insomnia drove me back onto it. After three failed attempts to taper off(lowest dose is 5mg and couldn't cut sublingual wafers any lower), my pdoc suggested switching to 10mg zyprexa for two weeks then stopping that cold turkey, well that was a mess again, had anxiety from hell and insomnia. Again we tried switching over to seroquel which failed.So now I'm back on zyprexa (with a whole new set of side effects)with the plan of tapering off at a rate of -1.25mg every two weeks, currently I'm down to 7.5mg with moderate anxiety, intermittent insomnia and an insatiable appetite. Just wondering if this is too aggressive a taper, I only have tablets available so I'm just relying on cutting them into quarters. Just want off this pharmaceutical merry go round, feel as though I've been lobotomized.
  23. Hello. I have been on zyprexa and prozac for 2 years. I tried stopping twice and began to have severe insomnia. The last try was just stopping the zyprexa by itself and after a week of stopping 2.5 mg, the insomnia was so bad that I began taking again. I really want to be off of both medicines, but I'm struggling. My doctor told me that the dose that I'm taking is like taking tic tacs and its not doing too much. I was originally prescribed the medicine because I had a nervous breakdown and couldn't sleep or eat. The doctor feels I should be off of the medicine but she is not giving me much help with tapering. I'm scared that I will be on it forever and I don't want that. How do I taper from 2.5 mg successfully?
  24. Hello, everyone. I have been reading everything I can on Zyprexa tapering, withdrawal etc. Our story is different. My husband was diagnosed with a degenerative brain disorder originally known as olivopontocerebellum atrophy. It is now known as Multiple systems Atrophy. This disease is progressive and fatal. no known cure. He is losing all ability to walk , talk and eventually swallowing. He had an injection of a steroid for hip pain that caused him to have a severe psychotic episode that didn't resolve for over 2 weeks. desperate for relief he was put on seroqual for short time and it made it worse. Started on Zyprexa 5 mg and the psychosis finally stopped. Having to deal with so many other issues related to his disease he remained on Zyprexa for 10 years. He hated the feeling of lack of motivation and zombie like side effects and so he went to 2.5 several times nd it made it worse. Finally, I found this site and we are into the 8 th day of weaning. He is at 4.4 dry cut because I am in the process of getting MD, Pharmacy etc to obtain a better method and more specific precise dosage. Today has been his worse day. My question and I am sure it would be difficult for anyone to answer but with already having the inability to walk etc. How the hell do we get off this med. Is it worth it if you have only a few good years left. How do I support him with this when So many say it takes forever to stop and feel good. Thanks for letting me vent. Sincerely, Lynn
  25. My psychological issues started in high school - I experimented with halucinogens, for a higher knowledge. However, later on I started to participate in techno parties and this destroyed my sensitive psyche. First depression, then toxic psychosis. I was hospitalized 6 months, for schizophrenia, then addiction treatment and received several diagnosis since then. My self-esteem lowered quite a lot. From my childhood, I am a personality and anti-authoritarian, I did art and so on, which made psychiatrists always confused (literally, they often didnt know completely what to do with me). During hospitalization, I tried to stop smoking, doing sports and learning, I felt quite well soon. But later on I started to smoke, started to drink alkohol as proposed by my psychiatrist to go to parties to have social contacts. It was a very renowned doctor, however today patient himself. However, I started to study at college, though not realizing i am completely dump on antipsychotics, always not understanding where the hell my creativity and inteligence from high-school disappeared. Of course - the diagnosis was to be blamed. I ve been always interested in religion. in 2006, i tried to do yoga, and from 2007 i started to do daily. I really feel I was completely closed and dump in that time, didnt realize how diet, good company etc. are important as well. But in 2008 I started to do social work with autistic persons, which made mi stronger and forced me to start to travel, go to mountains, do sports etc. In 2010 I enrolled in a prestigious social work Master program. I didnt enjoy, but it definitely re-thought me how to use critical thinking and real scientific approach. In 2011 i did a research in India on ayurveda, social work and autism, which i accidentelly succesfully completed by skipping my doses for 7 days, when my brain started to work for a while. Going back home, I started to experiment with ayurveda myself. Soon, I lowered the dose from "therapeutic" doses to 5 Mg of Zyprexa and Wellbutrin 150. I started to have conflicts with my psychiatrist, my colleagues and my profession in general. By ayurvedic life-style, good job etc. I came to decision to withdraw in 2015. I had some knowledge of recovery movement, but I did a plan which was complete failure. I thought that ayurveda and yoga would help me, and only that. I underestimated the rebound and all these things. I did quite a bad panchakarma in India, which happens to a lot of westerners, but for me it was disaster. I started to meditate, do pranayama, on my own, which made me terribly ungrounded. In autumn 2015 i felt enthusiastic, I was completely off medication. I felt my inteligence, creativity, clarity came after 15 years. But, I stopped to sleep, and few days later i had visions or quazi-spiritual content, started to have depression, all rebound symptoms and finally some symptoms from my original toxic psychosis. I left my home and job, to protect clients and spouse and have less stress. In that time, I was without any contact with psychiatrists etc., didnt believe them anything. But in my state of mind I succumbed to suggestions of people around me that psychiatry changed. I couldnt, however, find any that "new psychiatrist" which was another sign of "not able to have a safe therapeutic relationship and therefore paranoid". Because I didnt have safe home, too, I was finally hospitalized in a very modern hospital in Prague. However, very soon, I realized that psychiatry hasnt "changed", rather, it is quite worse then i used to be. So I did everything to be realesd from the prison. I found a new flat, and started to meet my spouse again. I tried a psychotherapeutic program, which was "new", but same patterns again. Finally, my yoga teacher recommended me a private psychologist, and I am in that process now and it helps. I started to very cautiously do yoga again. I found a physical job - gardens and ecological agriculture. This makes me grounded and gives time to plan everything. I am going to do social work only part-time, to reduce stress. Last 3 years I worked with refugees, and you know what is happening now in Europe... I am preparing to have a house with a garden, to stay grounded during the next year. I am discovering a healing power of nature and physical work, which is well related to ayurveda philosophy. I know now that yoga is powerful tool, and in India usually corrupted. Its a tool, which can helps but also harm. I try to focus my attention to my body, which is grounding yoga technique, not to think much. I am not looking for "spiritual" fantastic experiences, rather for true and the Earth, and rebuilding my life. I also strive to find new supportive friends and I am partly succesfull. And I read this forum, because these information are gold, and no psychiatrist in present state of affairs will do this job for me, unfortunatelly.