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HI, i am extremely scared and need help. On march 13th I started a panic disorder. It started with 24h of depersonalisation and then more and more anxiety and panic attacks over 2 or 3 weeks that led me to the ER a couple of nights.. I'm 37, always been anxious but nothing that wasn't manageable without medication. I started losing the ability to eat and sleep. I couldn't enter sleep state and had very anxious obsessions/delirium while in pre-sleep phase, like my brain was going mad with crazy over the roof anxious ideas and fantasies. Every time I would quit trying to sleep i felt better and not too anxious but i was absolutely exhausted and needed to sleep. I started to become very worried and anxious, i lost a lot of weight from not eating or sleeping and couldn't do absolutely nothing because of anxiety. Everything seemed terrifying, wathcing series/movies, reading, social media, showering... nothing could give me relief, everything was painful and terrifying. I'm autistic and pretty isolated. I don't have a family to care for me, few friends who desappear when i'm not good...my pshychologist is nice but not very useful during this kind of extreme situations and has halth problems. I thought it was the end of my life and it made me extremely sad because i'm not a suicidal person, i wasn't even depressed. I was just diagnosed a bunch of stuff that would allow me to ask some financial help from the state but didn't have time to ask because i collapsed in the most unexpected way... My psychiatrist suggested i take seroplex (escitalopram) and alprazolam. I have a massive medical phobia and medicines phobia, never had anti depressants before and never wanted to even try them because i am very sensitive to everything and often have weird/bad reactions to certain substance so i hate trying something new. Plus I have anxiety, so... But i was so affraid to die i said ok. He started me on 1mg and told me to add 1mg every three days (it was the drinkable version) until i reach 10mg. He told me it would take several weeks to do me good and would probably make me feel worst at the begining. But i was already at my worst, like i couldn't imagine getting worst than that really, i was really sure i was dying. After a week and no significative improvement (still wasn't sleeping and suffering as hell every night and most days, my chest hurting from the billion crisis per night every time i tried to sleep...) i went to the psychiatric ward, which was, by the way, my biggest phobia. I stayed there for 2 days, some doctors were nice, but older ones said the dosage my psychatrist recommend was stupid and i needed to change either the dose or my meds. I was at 3mg at this time, they put me on 50mg sertraline and gave me a valium. I had adverse reaction to the valium and was in hell until the day after, i had agitation, was all over the place, feeling extremely agitated and angry and aggressive inside and paranoid and scared and nauseous. i had panic attacks all night and been throwing up in the morning. They told me i wasn't cooperating and didn't trust them and should go back home. I did and had my first night of sleep in so long... I was at 4mg escitalopram. They scared me so much by saying this med is totally ineffective under 10mg that i asked my psychiatrist if i could up the dose faster to get some relief. By this time i was unable to take any benzodiazepine and had bad reaction previously to seresta and valium and now even alprazolam so i stopped taking it. He agreed and told me to add 1mg every day. I started to do that. Was able to sleep one night out of two for a few days, started to eat again... It was still mostly horrible everyday but i started to believe i had hope... My dosage from the begining was 1 1 1 2 2 2 3 3 (50mg zoloft) 4 5 7 7 8 9 (each number representing one day of treatement) When I reached 9mg i had the most horrendous violent crisis ever, i was feeling enraged like i wanted to destroy everything and couldn't stand any sound or person around, it was so strong and kept going up and up. I hated it and was terrifyed, never felt that before. I had nausea and couldn't eat anymore again... My psychiatrist said ok to going down and try a stabilization at 5mg. As soon as i started getting down i started to feel better, (not good, just less terrible), more eating, sleeping and moments of hope... But after 3 days at 5mg things started to get very bad. No appetite, nausea, insomnia, anxiety more and more and more... and then the violent agitation crisis came back, sentenses and ideas and bits of songs in high speed in my brain, intrusive thoughts (not that it was totally new but it was stronger and horrible), couldn't stand any sound or light or whatever, i felt pure rage and pain... I told my psychiatrist i had been suffering hell for a month and a half and couldn't take it anymore. I was too scared and not the kind of profile to be able to wait for a whole month to get the good effects while living the worst moment of tjei life every second of everyday. I had lost 10kg and was in severe crisis all of the time, had a full meltdown in his cabinet. He said ok you can stop it if you want, it's a low dose and you've only been taking it a month or so. I said i don't thing it's a good idea to do like that when i see how sensitive i am. He suggested i reduce 1mg every three days. The day after that i was so traumatised i couldn't touch the bottle and take my medicine. I skipped a dose. He told me i could take 3mg the next day and not to worry too much. The day i skipped the dose i felt a lot better at first but then i entered a state of exhaustion i never felt and suddenly lost any will to live or fight, i couldn't even move or try to force myself to eat. It was the same the next day but slowly better... The second day at 3mg was an amazing day, never felt better, i was happy, energetic, singing, eating, full of joy and wonder. The next day not so goo but bearable. The first week at 3mg was wonderfull, the first time i was feeling so good with this med, and feeling myself again. I was SO SURPRISED. The doc said maybe it's my comfort dose. I believed so so i decieded to keep it a little to gain strenght and weel being to face going down again, i even was doubting if i should keep it. One day of the second week i drank my med but left a little drop at the end. The next day i had a terrible evening with the same symptomes like the day i skipped a dose but milder. The day after i took good care to drink aaall the 3mg and started to feel better in the evening. But the next day it went all bad again. I thought ok i made a mistake, i'll wait for stabilization again. It got worst everyday. A lot of anxiety and no eating or sleeping and a rage/agitation crisis all day on one of the days and overall pretty bad, with suicidal thoughts more and more presents and negative thougts all the time bullying me saying horrendous things to me in my head... But i was really hoping to get back to the good week and waited while suffering... everyday...crying, having anxiety, nausea all day everyday, weak legs and arms and hands, shaking....amnesia, unable to use my brain correclty. It's my third week at 3mg, i thought it was slightly progressing the past few days even if it's hard to tell because i'm still very bad.. i hate this medicine and i wish i had never taken it. I cant' take benzos. I can't take tercian or any meds that make the QT longer because i already have a sligtly longer QT due to a heart condition and my cardiologist told me not to take several meds that act on the heart... I need to sleep again, it's driving me crazy, i'm losing all hopes. Tonigt was the worst of my life, everytime i was about to fall asleep i had the most horrendous pre-sleep crisis and my chest and heart hurts everytime and the lask of sleep make me crazy. I have no strenght in my limbs, i only feel pain. Yesterday i felt ahedonia for several hours and it freaked me out. I am scared to go to 2mg but my MG and psychiatrist say they think it will be ok if i do. Should I ? What should i do ?? It's true that everytime i went down it felt like a huge relief so i guess my brain hates the medicine, and my anxious self can't stand the idea of taking something so scary and wants it out... But i'mso scared because i feel like i'm going to die... this night i thought maybe i should write goodbye letters to my loved ones. But i love life !! i've just never been that miserable and in pain in my whole life, and i'm such a sentitive person... autism doesn't help at all here... I'm not going back to the psychiatric ward ever. I wanted to get rid of seroplex and maybe try cyamemazine (tercian) at very low doses to try to sleep while starting a therapy (i am poor and i'm on waiting lists for therapy but won't have appointemnts before months) but i can't mix the two (too scared for my heart) and i'm very scared of trying it, like scared to death actually. I bought doxylamine (donormyl) but scared to try it... I'm terrified of all molecules (meds or supplements actually) What should i do ? I know you're no doctors but my doctors don'y know and my psychiatrist is going one month on holidays, plus he won't let me contact him outside of the very few office hours he has at work every week....

Hello guys, I have Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia for 5 years and have been taking antidepressants since that. Lexapro > Pristiq > Valdoxan > Remeron (current). I met with my doctor today and she decided to change Valdoxan 50 mg into Remeron (Mirtazapine) 15 mg because there wasnt any change in term of my panic when i took V.I took Valdoxan for 2 months and I wanna ask if any of you ever experience any withdrawal if stop cold turkey (because the doctor said it's fine and no w/d or whatsoever if we stop it abruptly) since it's a mild drug.I also wanna ask your experiences when taking Remeron (Mirtazapine) like is it helping with anxiety? And does it have bad withdrawal symptoms like klonopin? I started taking 15 mg Remeron last night and today i feel so drowsy and had been sleeping nom stop. I also feel slight confused and headache for sleeping too much. Is this only the beginning? Please help me, i really need your advice and read your experiences. Thank you.