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Hello everyone I am so glad to have found this site, please forgive me for my spelling as it is soo bad. A little about me, i was a very capable person for 38 years , I had happy childhood, joined the navy at 17, didnt like it, left after 3 years, did security for year then did an apprenticeship as a mason (block/brick layer) loved this work, went self employed,unfortunately i have been unemployed since 2007 not capable of work since 2014. Thats not to say i had no problems until 2014 , i made so many mistakes in my life and by 2014 i was carrying so much guilt regret secrets and stress that i could no longer cope, in fact i had not been coping for several years but i didnt even realise it. To make a long story shorter one of my biggest secrets was in danger of being exposed and i was so stressed i ended up bringing a bout of mania on myself, i was convinced i was bipolar, i wasnt sleeping i had rambling thoughts, was talking non stop for hours on end, calling to my parents 3 and 4 times a day talking for hours ringing them at all hours of the night, writing speeches, all the usual stuff of a bout of mania. I went to my gp 3 times that week, on the third visit i told him i badly needed sleep and asked him for some sleeping tablets, he said i think there is some depression going on and he prescribed me 2 different antidepressants, no sleeping tablets. I didnt want to take antidepressants so when i got home i put them in the drawer and i said i wont take them unless i really need them, my parents kept telling me to take the tablets and i kept saying i dont need them. After about 5 days of mania which got worse as each day passed, something strange happened, i went to bed on the fifth night barley able to untie my shoe laces, i was woken a couple of hours later by shuddering waves passing from my head all the way down to my toes, i had been dreaming of a parcel wrapped in layers and as each layer was unwrapped i got one of these waves pass down my body. I woke and i was like what the hell, i woke my partner and i said all the stress is leaving my body in waves, i got another few of these waves, i got out of bed and i was shaking and a bit panicked i said quick ring me an ambulance then i said no no ring the doctor then i said no no im ok, i also suddenly felt like i had complete understanding of everything that had happened in the previous 5 days as if my mind had worked out all the rambling thoughts. i said to myself what do i need , a cigarette i need a cigarette (i had been off the cigarettes 2years) i rang my dad and asked him could i come over for a cigarette (it was 3am). By the time i got to my parents (10 min walk) i was the calmest most composed person on the planet , i tried to assure them that i was fine, but they kept telling me to take the antidepressant, i repeated very calmly that i didnt need them, after a bit of back and fourth i agreed to go see the doctor on mon (this was fri) but i was adamant i didnt need the antidepressant. I went home and remained up, the next day i made a mistake, my partner was going to a baptisim, i should have stayed at home and rested but instead i went with her. That day i walked with my held held higher than i ever had in my life it was as if this was the best version of me that had ever been, my mind was as sharp as a razor, the day before i couldnt count my fingers, i was the life and soul of the day, i had advise for everyone ( i know now that i was actually very high that day) I went to bed that night and tried to sleep but as i closed my eyes i had a bit of a panic, i thought what am i going to do now that i have nothing to worry about, i got up and tried to have a whiskey i thought it might calm me but i couldnt drink it, and this is when i made the BIGGEST mistake of my life ( and ive made some big ones) i thought ok i give in maybe my parents are right, ill take one of the antidepressants. I took it, went to bed and did sleep, i woke very early felt fine , went back over to parents to tell them i had taken the tablet and reassure them i was fine. but as i was just about to leave i had a strange thought, i thought i am like god i can do anything ,i didnt think it was strange at the time, i left, i didnt know it but the next 24 hours was going to change my life forever. 12 hours after taking the antidepressant i was in a psychosis, i now know that 15 - 20% of people who take antidepressants while suffering mania have a psychosis. I wont go into every detail of the psychosis but it was a very severe one, i was seeing and hearing things believing the most unbelievable things you couldnt make up some of the stuff i was thinking it was so dangerous at one stage i thought my partner was the devil, i could have murdered her or indeed my whole family , that evening i went back over to my parents to give them messages from god (as you do) left to go back home , it was now dark and my mind was getting more and more twisted started having really disturbing thoughts. I got totally naked in the middle of the road ,luckily a very quite road, i got dressed again but not before a car passed, i turned around and there was a very sinister person in front of me with his hand out i thought he was trying to pass on a curse, i beat him up (thank god there wasnt actually anyone there) i turned around walked a few steps and then i felt the worst fear i have ever felt in my life (if u can imagine being on a plane and it is going down if you can imagine the fear you would actually feel as it is going down) i was that scared , i felt in immediate danger but i didnt know where the danger was coming from then i thought there was a plane crashing down on me from the sky ,i ended up lying on the ground screaming in terror. When i got up i prayed to every god i could think of, i ended up saying i pray to god i pray to the animals god the insects god the organisims god the universes god to gods god to my god to your god to every bodys god, i managed to get the rest of the way home every step i took i said trust in god and nothing willl happen.I got outside my house and i was taking one step forward one step back saying i am god,im not god,i must be god, no i know im not god, my partner saw me and called me in. Next thing my parents are at the door followed by a doctor and an ambulance I didnt know what was going on , i wouldnt go with the ambulance, i thought they were working for god and i would die in the ambulance, i was then trying to work out everything that happened that day and i came to conclusion someone was the devil, i was trying to work out who it was and i thought who is there all the time? my partner, she must be the devil, i said she has to go she has to go, i wouldnt say why, she went out to the ambulance, then i thought they had drugged her and had sex with her. The doctor asked me a few questions, cant remember what, i agreed to stay in my parents house that night (big mistake) and i also agreed to see my gp monday, the doctor said i would be fine and to take ANOTHER!!!!! antidepressant, so i did, as he left i said thanks god, he said im not god at all and he walked out the door and they left, the ambulance men knew me from school and they knew something was really wrong with me and they knew that doctor was useless, they told parents to ring them straight away if anything else happened. I went to my parents but i was thinking they were getting me out of the house so the devil could have my partner for the night, i went to bed in parents house and was thinking all sorts at one stage i was thinking i was a young girl and someone was going to come in and abuse me, i got up and this is when things got really out of hand , long story short i ended up picking up a chair and ended up smashing up the cooker, luckily my mother had already phoned the police and they turned up just in time, i was handcuffed and put laying down face first on the cold tiles (in my boxers) until the doctor turned up, the ambulance crew had insisted on a different doctor this time so it took a long time. More very disturbing thoughts while i was waiting, doctor gave me an injection of something but i still wouldnt go in ambulance, eventually they got me in , but the whole journey i was rocking back n fourth thinking any second there was going to be a smash and i would die. Anyway they put me in an assessment room they gave me a cup of tea, i dont know if there was something in it but within in a very short space of time i went from a bad psychosis to being absolutely insane the thoughts went CRAZY i thought i was evolving into a super being then i smashed up the assessment room and passed out. I woke couple days later in a secure hospital i was out of psychosis and spent 3 weeks in hospital.When i left hospital i was great and i was only on 20mg zyprexa, but six weeks later at night i was walking past the spot where i had been terrified and i got really spooked i thought oh no not again, i managed to get home but then i had a MAJOR panic attack, i ended up back in hospital and this is when the anxiety started, i was literally on the verge of a panic attack 24 hours a day, for months on end, it turned me in to a basket case, i became afraid of everything and ended up confined to my house. I had a second major panic attack which sent me back to hospital for the 3rd time. First lyrica was added to help with the anxiety and for my mood, this was the most dangerous drug i was put on, it caused violent and suicidal urges so i tried other drugs including lamictal lithium lustral seroquel none of them helped , quite the opposite I realised that my anxiety and panic attacks were a result of post traumatic stress caused by the severity of the psychosis, for months after the psychosis i couldnt even allow myself think about the psychosis or id feel a panic attack coming on, it was the fear of having another psychosis and maybe hurting or killing someone and not being able to trust my own mind. But once i understood what was causing my anxiety i slowly began exposing my self little by little to everything and over time it eased and hasnt been a problem for a long time. But after all this now it seemed that i also had seveer depression, or at least thats what i and the psychiatrists thought. So i was on 20mg zyprexa since dec 2014 and 1000mg epilim since mar 2016 For the last 2 years i could not function at all I woke up every single day feeling like an alien and not rested, I couldnt motivate myself to do absolutely anything, I couldnt concentrate on anything I couldnt watch tv or read or even bother with the internet, I couldnt make conversation with anyone, I felt like my cognitive abilities were badly damaged, I struggled to do things I could easily do before, I always loved my music for the last 2 years i never turned up the radio or put on my music, my stools were consistently muck, I lost all my sex drive, I was often nauseous from the moment i got up until i went to bed, I physically couldnt get alcohol down me (i use to love a drink) and more. I use to pace the kitchen floor from morning till i went to bed and suffered from really bad obsessive thoughts. Eventually i realized that a lot of my symptoms were very physical and i was thinking there was something else going on, i was also starting to ask myself why i couldnt get back to the way i was for 38 years, I also began to realize that no drug was going to make me happy, when your life is a mess no drug is going to make you happy you have to sort out your life. I read about how bad zyprexa was, I know im not schizophrenic and I am certain my psychosis was a result of the antidepressant, so i said right im getting off of this drug. Now i dont recommend anyone do this as i know it was to fast and risky, but i decided to taper zyprexa by 25% a month, i did suffer withdrawal evey time i dropped it, i would get a two week period of manic depression, and after i dropped the last dose which was 5mg i suffered for a month, I thought about going back to hospital but then i thought what will they do for me (nothing only suggest i go back on ztprexa which i wasnt going to do. 8 days after my last dose manic though i was,I started to wake up without that alien feeling in my head, i was able to find the motivation to start walking, i started walking 4 miles a day as briskly as i could, it took about 2-3 weeks of going every day but this really started to lift my mood i havent missed a day since, im on day 33 now , I cant tell you how good i am starting to feel. By 6th mar 2017 most of the symptoms above were gone or rapidly getting better except for the last 5 weeks i had been really nauseous all day every day and my stools were still muck, i got up the next morning and i noticed my nausea was gone then i realized i had forgotten to take my epilim the night before, i know i really shouldnt have done what i decided to do next , i said thats it thats the end of the epilim, i wasnt too scared of coming off it i thought well i might experience a drop in mood but ill ride it out if i can. Now i am currently going through withdrawal from the epilim but mainly in the evening and so far it is managable the nausea has stayed away and would you believe even my stools are back to normal, for the first time in over 2 years i have real hope for the future, my life is still very much a mess and needs a lot of work but now i feel like i can start to face it. I feel like one of the lucky ones, i lost 2 years of my life to drugs and i know a lot of you have been suffering for so long due to these poisons , i wish you all the best i know how hard this journey is and i hope everyone does well with their tapering and get some long overdue relief and be able to enjoy life again, sorry for such a very long post, thanks for reading