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  1. Hi everyone I have been reading the group posts for weeks and finally plucked up the courage to write here. It may be a bit long so I apologise. I had been on Citalopram for 10 yrs coping reasonably well but still had situational anxiety and the odd phobia but generally a happy life and work. Fast forward to last year and I was under a lot of stress trying to sort out elderly parents, hospitals, carers etc. I noticed I wasn't coping so well and getting short tempered and angry. Anyway it resulted in a doctor's trip as my Gastritis flared up and was too painful to come with. Never been that bad before. A trip to A&E with PPIs pumped into me and pain killers. Sent home with 2 different antibiotics. Was very very sick for a fortnight and couldn't eat. Gradually improved eating but had to have low fat, no gluten or acid etc due to pain. After that I had continuous adrenaline 24/7 and in constant flight or fight. Spoke to mental health nurse who upped my Citalopram to 20mg from 10mg. No improvement after 2 weeks so she added a small dose of diazepam at 2mg twice a day. Still high adrenaline and cortisol all day . Losing lots of weight and no sleep so she added promethazine for sleep. Took only 12.5mg on odd days but made my head feel weird every time I woke up. Then the nurse upped my Citalopram to 30mg but I tried a week and dropped down to 20mg as it didn't help. Little did I know what I was doing. A month later she suggested straight swap to Sertraline. I only took 12.5mg for 2 weeks but felt very poorly. Started having hallucinations and flu like symptoms and was dry heaving for days. After 2 weeks I stopped ALL my tablets!!! 4 days later I felt odd, my head was weird with lots of pressure and totally jumbled thoughts. I was given Mirtazipine and took 1 tablet only but next morning I could not move from my bed as I felt drugged. Never took another. All the while my adrenaline pumped furiously still. A few days with no drugs Im not sure how many days but I reinstated Citalopram at 2.5mg for 3 days then upped to 5mg. Have stayed on 5mg now for 3 or 4 weeks but no improvement. Then weird symptoms started and I found this site. Realising what an idiot I've been and totally overmedicated by mental health nurses. My symptoms seem to tally with so many others on here and I came to realise I was in withdrawals but not sure from what drug. Possibly them all. I'm scared to death as my brain will not sort it's feelings out. My chest feels like it's being sat on by a sumo wrestler and countless other symptoms which a lot will recognise. Currently the tension in my jaw, neck and head makes my brain shake and my thoughts get so jumbled. Along with Gastritis pain every day it's becoming such a struggle to survive this. I check this site daily for reassurance and success stories to keep my hopes up but most days I'm in terror. The worst bit for me is my brain. I can't control my thoughts and although I've never had depression I feel a sense of doom a lot and my brain switches off and goes numb. I've now got weakness to the extent of hardly putting one foot in front of the other but not every day. I've been housebound for 6months. On a rare good day I try to go out for a stroll with my partner but it's too overwhelming and I get back and my brain is scrambled. I try to keep busy indoors, I do crosswords on a good day or watch T.V but not for long as I can't concentrate. I'm now down by 4 stone in weight although I'm eating healthy at least 4 small meals a day or my gastritis hurts . I eat fresh fruit and mainly organic foods. I use Vit C and some magnesium glycinate but I can't cope with B vitamins. I drink water all day and an odd cup of earl grey decaf tea if I'm brave. I've read a lot on here and will be always grateful for finding this site or I don't think I would be here now. My quandary is whether to up my Citalopram slowly or try to taper down from 5mg. I'm not sure how I will cope with any more symptoms so may stay another couple of months on 5mg even though it's not working. I shall continue to read stories on here when my brain allows just to keep inspired. Thankyou to anyone if they've read all this. Best of luck to all of you.
  2. I have tried valium taper before and I am trying again. first time was approx. 5-10% taper every two weeks and crashed at 8.5mg and was unable to leave the house for week until updose kicked in. was having severe insomnia didn't sleep for days trying to power thru it but just couldn't take it anymore. I smoked like a chimney pacing around my garage and patio just hoping the next day would be the day I had moment of relief. currently on 12.5mg of valium and 40mg PPIs for GERD that I was recently diagnosed with and quit smoking 1/13/23 and exercising again and feeling really good about life. started taper 3 weeks on brass monkey method of 1.25% a week and currently at 12mg a day but I don't know if from over training or I didn't fully have enough time since quit smoking but started smoking again saturday because of agitation and bad head ache and made mistake of "just having one" would help me sleep because smoking was so on my mind and was always my crutch to help with anxiety and withdrawal symptoms. trying to decide if I need to address my smoking cessation for longer time before tapering again because smoking makes me feel less healthy than being on valium. 12.5mg of valium a day for 1.25yrs. tried tapering 10% that did not last long. had major symptoms right away and then stabilized and then 5% every two weeks and did not work. crashed hard at 8.5mg and had to updose to my original dosage
  3. Hello, everyone. I'm new here, but was a long-time reader over at Paxil Progress before it shut down. I actually thought a couple weeks ago how far I'd come and thought, "I should post a success story!" because I hadn't felt PAWS symptoms in an entire year by that point. Well. Today and yesterday, I've hit a rough spot. Let me start with that necessary evil, backstory. In late 2011 I was prescribed Abilify for the off-label treatment of trichotillomania, or compulsive hair-pulling. I did not have depression, anxiety, or any psychiatric disorder; my doctor prescribed this solely for the pulling. When I decided it wasn't working, my doctor told me I could just stop. No taper - cold-turkey. So I did. A week after stopping, I experienced the scariest few days of my life. I was sobbing on the floor of my dorm bathroom, having panic attacks in the middle of class - when I managed to make it to class, that is - and felt eerily detached from myself, like I was living a dream and going through the motions, but couldn't feel anything...and yet was constantly about to fall to pieces in a hysterical mass of tears and panic. Then, about four days later, it ended. Boom, just like that - I was at work one evening, and suddenly felt like myself again. I had no idea that this was my brain's first reaction to quitting the Abilify, and that many more were to come. I experienced this again, in varying intensity (but always very intense and life-disrupting) several times over the next months. When I became pregnant with my first child, I felt myself "stick at a baseline" below my normal, as though my brain delayed healing because it knew I needed to focus on the pregnancy more. But I wasn't normal, or myself, or happy. I was ...some other person entirely, the whole 9 months. Then, as soon as I gave birth, the PAWS returned with a vengeance. A year later, I began a regimen of Amino Fuel, l-glutamine, and magnesium. I immediately saw marked improvement: my windows became longer, and I felt more and more like myself during them; the waves grew shorter and less intense. By 2014, I had two or three days of feeling bummed out every 7 weeks or so, and felt like me most of the time now, even in my waves. My improvements were so good that by summer of that year, I could even feel safe drinking coffee again, enjoying wine, etc., which I hadn't been able to do without triggering waves until then. In spring 2015, I became pregnant again. I had a couple days of feeling bummed out as my hormones leveled out, but no PAWS symptoms for the entire pregnancy. I felt like me. I was happy, ecstatic even, to have another child (whereas the first time, I was so depressed it tainted the entire experience). Upon giving birth, I did have a few days of severe baby blues, including a panic attack - I think it was the combination of epidural drugs and hormonal crash with perhaps a still slightly sensitive nervous system? I had my placenta encapsulated, so I took that and magnesium for a few weeks; within four days, I felt 99% better, then back to myself a week or so postpartum. Two nights ago, I chainsmoked a ton of cigarettes (and I haven't smoked cigarettes in over a year, just vaping low nicotine on an ecig) and drank a good amount of hard liquor (which I also haven't done in over a year). The next morning, I woke up feeling like my early days of PAWS: pounding heart, sweat, too much adrenaline/panic, the world is falling apart, etc. I calmed down after thirty minutes or less, but since then I've felt like I'm in a wave again - bummed out, random crying, lack of appetite, and more than anything this...relentless panic that I've done damage to my brain again, ruined my progress...or - the BIG worry, and hopefully the most ridiculous? Please weigh in - that I was never better at all. That because of my 2nd pregnancy, I just delayed symptoms and now my PAWS is back to stay. I realize logically that doesn't make much sense, because I have gotten immensely better over the years, hence this pregnancy was so much better than my first. Anyway. I realize *technically* I haven't been symptom-free for a year, since I had a panic attack (or perhaps a combo of a wave and postpartum crash or baby blues) this past February. But still, that didn't feel much like a wave the way this does. And it's been a while since I've had one like this - since 2014, most of my waves were "morning-only" where for a couple days I'd have symptoms in the morning, and they'd end very suddenly by noon. This one's been going on all day for the last two days, ever since the cigarettes and hard liquor I had at a wedding. I'm sorry for such a long post. My brain is going a mile a minute with worry. I guess I want reassurance that I won't be this way forever...that my progress isn't all gone because of one stupid night of excess (which I definitely will not be repeating). Also, just looking for opinions on how long my recovery's been - 4 and half years. That's a long time, especially since I only took Abilify three months. Is it possible it's taking so long because of my pregnancies, during which no waves or windows occurred (so I'm guessing, no healing for 18 months total during these last few years)? Thank you for your help. I just hate feeling this way again after SO LONG feeling like myself, no symptoms, and would love reassurance. Taylor
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