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PLEASE SEE: this post about benefits of journalling and links to some helpful sites Journaling has always been a good tool for me. This morning in one of my daily readers it said 'no matter how preposterous you think a fear might be write it down on paper. Look at it, dissect it and journal towards a possible solution. So I made a list. Fortunately I did have the time to journal and read. It helped a great deal. I get stuck inside my own head. Why I don't know. Is it how I am wired, does it stem from medications, is it an anxiety symptom, is it on-going stress???? I am suggesting this as a way to turn things around in the morning or anytime. Or at least that is how it works for me. I pray for the day when I won't need this tool on a daily basis..... Journaling is a way for me to put things down in an uncensored manner. Problem and then the Solution. Sometimes I make a Gratitude list. Hugs

Hey all. My name is Kelly. I’m new here, but I’ve also been apart of a few Facebook groups that led me here. I’m going to try to make a long story short. About 2 years ago, I was placed on 50 mg of Zoloft because I was tearful and told my OBGYN office that I was feeling overwhelmed and uninterested in sex with my husband. At the time, I just gave birth to my newborn twins, I had an 11 month old at home and a 4 year old step son. Life was very stressful and chaotic. I didn’t feel depressed or anxious before beginning this medicine. Fast forward about 3 months of being on, I and the people around me felt the medication was changing who I was. I was becoming angry and just not my normal self. I forgot to take the Zoloft for about 2 days and I felt like I was okay and getting back to feeling more normal. I decided to continue to skip taking the medication. About 5 days after abruptly quitting, I was going to lay down with my 11 month old in bed, and I got the fleeting thought of “What if I just smothered her right now and nobody was here to save her?” The scariest feeling came over my body. I was terrified of myself, am I actually capable of hurting my sweet and precious girl? Following this came many more intrusive thoughts about harming my babies, my husband and myself. I had thoughts and visualizations of me hurting others, cheating on my spouse, etc. I felt like I was going insane. I had crazy anxiety, I couldn’t sleep, heart palpitations, dizziness to the point I thought I was going to pass out, I felt depressed, easily angered, agitated, I was having vivid dreams, I had increased awareness of every noise around me, depersonalization, I would cry every single day because I didn’t know what was happening. I checked myself into the hospital where they tried to give me more medication and I refused it. I was lucky enough to have a nurse that googled for me “What happens when you abruptly stop taking an antidepressant”. I was so shocked to find just about every single symptom on the packet she printed me, I was experiencing. I showed the packet to the doctor and he agreed. I was released 3 days later. It’s been a roller coaster ever since then. I am now 19 months off of a cold turkey Zoloft and I feel so much better, but I still suffer with waves. When the waves come, the repetitive thoughts return and my brain feels so out of whack. I feel anxiety and feel down. I never experienced real anxiety and depression before until after coming off of the Zoloft. But it passes after a while when I go into a window. My life at home is so chaotic and I know it does not help. I am happy I am able to live a normal life now compared to when I first came off. I can tell I am healing, but it has just been so rough. It’s taken a toll on my relationship, I feel so much guilt from the thoughts that I’ve had about harm, cheating on my spouse, and more. I carry this big lump of guilt that mostly makes an appearance when I feel myself going into a wave. I will say that my husband has been my biggest supporter this entire time. He is actually the one that told me from the beginning when I got the prescription, “Kelly if you take that pill it’s going to mess you up”. I wish I would have listened to him. I guess I’m just writing here to get some support, to see if anyone has experienced something similar, and just to express myself. I had no idea withdrawal was even a thing from antidepressants until I went through it. I would have never touched these types of medications if I knew I was going to go through this. Any advice, success stories or anyone that can relate to me would be so appreciated. (At one point I went on Lexapro to “help the thoughts” but it made everything much worse and I decided to taper down. I even believe at one point I had an auditory hallucination after I abruptly stopped, but it was only one time. The rest of the time it was just intrusive thoughts). Thank you for reading if you made it this far!

I'm not really looking for advice but just musing here! There is something that makes withdrawal/side effect thoughts 'painful'. When people say they are just thoughts they cannot hurt you, that doesn't seem altogether true. I can detach myself from thoughts some of the time and dismiss them as thoughts but the thoughts that come in a bad wave and have plagued me throughout the yrs on ad's do seem to be painful, excruciating even and I don't seem to be able to distance myself from them at all. Wonder what that's about.