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Hello everyone, this is my first post. I want to start by saying that I am very grateful that this site exists, it has helped me and many others a lot to understand more about our subjective experiences with these drugs. I am 27 years old and I think I need help sorting out my sertraline experiences. It all started when I was 19 years old, I had a very bad, intense and emotionally overwhelming quarter life crisis. After a year and a half of being isolated at home, I was involuntarily admitted to a psychiatric ward when I was 20 years old. My treatment with Sertraline began there (see my signature), without informed consent, as usually happens. When I started taking Sertraline I was already very confused and scared, after that period of isolation, so it became even more difficult for me to understand what happened to me. I more or less rebuilt my life for the next few years. I remember that in 2018 I told my psychiatrist when I could stop taking the pills and she told me that I had to take them for the rest of my life (I have had a psychiatric diagnosis of OCD since my involuntary admission). I told her that I wanted to stop because of the side effects or something, she told me to try tappering and give it a try, to see how I was doing without the pills. In the end, after a while, I went back to taking the pills in the same amount as before, 50 mg. Now it's summer 2019, I don't remember much or clearly about that time of my life and those years. I think at some point I started tappering in September or so, but I remember that the last months of 2019, from October to December, I stopped and went back on the pills several times by myself, because I stopped going to my psychiatrist (probably because I didn't trust her and/or felt betrayed after being told I had to take sertraline for the rest of my life, no one told me when I took the pills in February 2017). It was chaotic. I decided not to take them anymore, and I became more emotionally unstable, I think I was experiencing withdrawal symptoms, but I didn't know then, my psychiatrist just told me very briefly about the "rebound effect". April 2020, it's the COVID-19 lockdown, my anxiety is very high and I don't like how I feel, I feel unstable, so I go back to 50mg again. I was already in bad enough shape, mentally and emotionally. I also lived with my parents and they stressed me a lot. I stayed on that dose until the last days of August 2020, when I stopped taking them cold turkey after 4-5 months of taking the pills. Then in September my withdrawal kicked in. But it kicked harder in the following months and June/summer 2021. This time, at the end of 2020, it also coincided with the end and breakup of a very toxic relationship that I had, which ended very badly for me. I lost control of my emotions and got stuck in a fight and flight stress/trauma response. I think in the last few months of 2021 and the first half of 2022 I also experienced very bad withdrawal waves. Back then, withdrawal was not something that was on my mind, I didn't think about it. In Jan or Feb 2021 I also took Sertraline again, I can't remember if 25mg or 50mg, for a one or two weeks, maybe three but I don't think I reached week three. I also think in 2019 that dose of sertraline didn't work anymore because of how I felt, I was probably experiencing withdrawal before I even quit Cold Turkey and/or tapped. For the next 3 years I have been trying to figure out what happened to me and learning about sertraline effects, side and adverse effects and withdrawal. I'm still recovering from all this chaos, it was too much. For the last year I have been trying to stabilize myself, my mind, and calm my body. My mind is still confused and shocked by the experiences I had, especially since September 2020, I have a hard time remembering many things, emotions and feelings that I had. I would like to hear other people's opinions and advice. Thank you for reading.

Hi all, I had a toxic break in mid 1990s. Was self medicating due to unresolved childhood trauma. I wasn’t coping with how difficult my life had become. I wasn’t making wise choices - but not all of us in our early 20s do… Parents called crisis team and I was told by psychiatrist I had a chemical imbalance and would require endless drugging. I replied I know my life is out of whack - I’d read R.D Laing at uni and asked if there was somewhere I could go to get help sorting everything out properly without the chemicals. “No.” My parents believed the genetics/chemical imbalance myth. I tried stelazine and mellaril but the akathisia was instant and felt awful. I stabilised without them for some time. I had a couple more toxic breaks and in 2003 my parents arranged a forced admission with the same psychiatrist. I was shot in the arse with god knows what. I had bad akathisia and they gave me cogentin. I was supposed to have skin ointment nightly as well but half the time the orderlies just couldn’t be bothered with that even when I told them it was part of the regimen. Not reassuring. After two weeks I was out of there and my father demanded I take the prescription if I was to stay with him. At no stage was a physical done. I would’ve been malnourished to say the least - couldn’t afford decent food. I moved away with friends, took 10mg olanzapine daily and became obese - ugh. It was a pretty relaxing time though, which helped. I was able to return to work. Later on I came back and my mother helped me get diet and exercise happening to lose some weight. Thank heavens I didn’t have an office job then or it wouldn’t have been possible. I lost 30 kgs. Keeping it off is hard though with the olanzapine. I tried risperidone for a couple of years to lose weight but it was of marginal help and was more uncomfortable to take. I asked the psychiatrist since I’ve been stable for many years can we look at getting off. “No.” Do you ever work with addressing the root causes with therapy? “No, we don’t believe it affects this.” I discovered yoga which has been enormously beneficial and I’d recommend to anyone. I wish I’d listened to my aunt and done this when I was first having issues before my break. Exercise is another must. A few years ago I had an abusive neighbour move in next door who beat his de facto and he wasn’t friendly to me either. Somehow my psychiatrist thought this would be a good time to try me on aripiprazole. At first it was liberating as I had much more energy but that rapidly turned into overstimulation and anxiety. I switched back. I moved away from the violent neighbour. The two nice things I’ll say about the psychiatrist are a) he didn’t stack me on multiple drugs and b) he was ok with me setting my own dose…to a point… I was easily able to get down from 10mg olanzapine to 7.5, then 6 2/3, then 5 with a pill cutter within a year. So my script was now for 5mg. After some time I tried 3 1/3mg and it was obviously a no-go zone. I just hung out on 5mg for a bit longer. I found a clinical psychologist who helped me with the usual family patterns, boundaries, spoke to trauma, helped with relationships etc. This has been very beneficial and I drink much less after that. A friend observed “I think you could get off your meds”. I was skeptical but started researching. This was an eye-opener: https://www1.bps.org.uk/system/files/user-files/Division of Clinical Psychology/public/CAT-1657.pdf It was validating my initial understanding that this was all about how I wasn’t coping with trauma, rather than innately ‘broken’. This was the first document I gave to my mother who was initially terrified but is now supportive of me coming off. I discovered Peter Breggin, reading “Your Drug May Be Your Problem” in horror. But it was empowering as well. His book “Guilt, Shame and Anxiety” helped reduce my anxiety substantially. He has a newer book “Psychiatric Drug Withdrawal”, which I also recommend. There is Peter Lehmann’s “Coming off Psychiatric Drugs” too, which is valuable but a harrowing read! I told close friends and some family what I was doing. Having a safety net is the way to go. Over five months I was able to taper down from 5mg to 2.5mg by agitating a crushed tablet in a known volume of filtered water, then removing a gradually increasing portion with a large syringe (no needle!). I came down listening to my body 0.1 or 0.2mg at a time then holding for a few weeks. It was a bit of a bumpy ride but have been able to hold down my job and relationships ok. Not that it’s pleasant or easy, but it is navigable. Thanks Rhiannon for sharing your experience on making suspensions of the compound in water. I hung out at 2.5mg for six months or so. This is the smallest tablet size they sell. My family and friends have been commenting on how much more ‘with it’ I am, able to join them in more nuanced conversations again. This is extremely welcome and I realised how much I’ve been missing despite having a lot of good people and things in my life already. I took my mother for moral support and went to see the prescribing psychiatrist (same one all the way through). I started explaining that I was prediabetic, had high cholesterol, was having (apparently undiagnosable) joint problems and rheumatism, getting allergic rashes (I saw the other day the NPS web site advises people with this reaction not to take this drug!), getting hot flushes and unable to stand heat (pretty hellish in Aussie summers), and more. He didn’t want to hear about my plan - his reaction: “Keep taking it.” I said as if that wasn’t enough, what about TD? He said “Oh, it’s not that bad.” I was glad mum was there as a witness to this appalling advice. I asked him for a script for 2.5mg but he said “It’s too low. I can’t support this. I will not see you any more.” Good riddance! I got the script from my sympathetic GP. Many of these horrid symptoms have reduced or abated with the lower dose. Some remain. Fatigue is a bear. The stragglers are just a waiting game I suppose. My clinical psychologist has been supportive the whole time and confirmed my essential stability during the reductions. Her reaction to that was “well, if he says 2.5 isn’t enough, yet you’re stable, it’s a good sign that you can probably do without it altogether”. I’m now working with a clinical psychologist on the trauma I perceive as the root of all the major issues. If I’ve learnt one thing, it’s that you have to take charge of your own healing. No one else can do it for you. Shop around and find supportive crew who will back you up - they’re out there. Breggin observes that signalling helplessness is what lands you in hot water in this rather unhealthy society. I’m continuing my taper, coming down around 2mg olanzapine at the moment. Thanks to this site I’ve found the importance of the compound taper and have made a spreadsheet to manage it. I'm doing a microtaper - it's going reasonably at 10%/mo for now. It's not comfortable and some days at work are hard. But I know it's worth it. Looking at the receptor occupancy curves for olanzapine I found via this site I can see I’d already be over half way through the dopamine adjustments. That would explain why I’ve got more animated for a bit after each cut. This initially concerned mum but she’s now learnt about withdrawal symptoms. The 5-HT2 curve lies ahead, for the most part. So this could take another year or two - I’ve been poisoned with this garbage for a long time. Better though to ride it gently down and not hammer my body too much, or destabilise my life, for the best chance of a good outcome. Despite every day wanting to be rid of it ASAP. Epsom salt baths and yoga are helping me a lot. Thanks for creating this forum, Altostrata. Before the net, I probably would’ve just concluded 3 1/3mg wasn’t enough rather than learning about the taper, and been stuck.

I've been working on trauma recovery in therapy. I have been looking for ways to trigger emotions to get a lot of old trapped emotions out and remembered the movie 'Good Will Hunting'. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Good_Will_Hunting There is one scene in the movie that is very powerful and it applies to both trauma and the journey we all took in the mental health system and it's supposed fix for our problems. The mental health system and medications can be traumatic in and of themselves in addition to anything else you may have been through outside of that system that may have led you to the system in the first place. I have multiple traumas to deal with that started as an infant and just kept piling up. Some of what I am doing is what used to be called 'inner child work' which has another name now but that doesn't really matter. The scene in this movie is exactly what I need to hear right now as part of going through this and I am sure there are many people on this site who need to hear this as well. Here is the clip that is helping me so much. I hope it helps you as well.

Quantum Mechanics contains a theory that electrons are paired. This theory is called Quantum Entanglement which Einstein called ‘Spooky Action at A Distance’. What has been observed many times is that if you take a set of paired electrons and separate them, distance theoretically does not matter so it could be across a table, across a room, or across the universe. It really does not matter. Once you separate them and move one electron a set distance and direction the other paired electron will do the same without ever touching it, regardless of the distance. So, those electrons are connected in a way we have no way of understanding. This experiment has been done many times and is repeatable every time. So, since we are all partially composed of electrons then we all share halves of numerous electron pairs. As a result, this means we are all connected in a very fundamental way we just cannot see or understand regardless of location, race, religion, orientation, or whatever other metric you try to use to separate us into groups and stay apart. There is no such thing as an individual. We are all the same thing whether we like it or not or want to admit it or not. So, even though we all physically die, it does not matter either because those electrons do not go away, they just become part of something else and if you have half of that electron pair you are connected directly to whatever that other electron became a part of. It is one giant interconnected web. So remember this each time you have someone come into your life. You may very well be sharing electrons and it was those paired electrons that pulled you together because they operate together at a very fundamental level. Because of this connection you can go on to say that: a. To be angry at others is to be angry at yourself. b. To hate others is to hate yourself. c. To love others is to love yourself. e. To help others is to help yourself All because we are all the same thing.

Here are some good online resources for CPTSD: https://www.outofthestorm.website https://www.havoca.org -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm curious to know what this community thinks of the subjects of trauma, emotional/narcissistic abuse, and CPTSD. I've been reading some of Pete Walker's work and it's been absolutely helpful in my journey to rely less and less on psychiatric meds. I found this particular article useful to deal with Emotional Feedback (i.e. emotional spiral in this community's parlance). Specifically the table at the end with the 13 steps to deal with the flashback.

I have had an account here for a long time. I do not believe I ever did an introduction. I was just speaking with someone who recommended I come here. I am suffering in so many ways and I feel so alone. I am becoming more hopeless every day and am afraid I am going to end up in a hospital. I have little time to even write now because there is way too much going on in my life. I need help. There is no where to go for help. 1- I was started on high doses of xanax in 1997 and continued until they switched me to 4mg klonopin in 2013 during a hospitalization. CT off xanax for a few days which I thought I was going to die. Then Klonopin, which has wreaked havoc in my life and mind and body. 2- Besides these two benzos, doctors have tried their "cocktails" on me. I do not remember every drugs, but these I remember: First, the xanax and the klonopin. Plus they have pulled me off, put me on, rearranged etc over and over the following drugs: remeron, cymbalta, zyprexa, celexa, serzone, brintellix (I think they renamed trintellix), lexapro, effexor, prozac, trazadone, abilify, wellbutrin, ritalin, seroquel, latuda, pristiq, melatonin, ambien, paxil, zoloft, vistaril, vyvanse, lamictal, cogentin, rexulti, and more. I cannot remember all. Life is a blur for these past almost 25 years of polydrugging. Now I am on here for my son as well - we both need help 3- Recent trauma: 2014 youngest son starts becoming delusional and episodes of psychosis. 2015: my father is euthanized in front of me and my family because of other family member's decisions for him - even though he was not dying, was completely alert and had his mind. He was not in hospice. It is a long story and traumatic. 2015: son's psychosis getting worse with son and he moves to another state to live with his brother. 1-4-2016: my son (youngest of four) parked a car and sliced his throat open with a knife- cutting through his trachea. Somehow lived. Got out of car, ran up 7 flights of a construction zone to jump. Construction workers stop him. I get call from hospital and fly to that state the next day. Son had to have 4 hour surgery to put his throat back together. He was in medical for 40 days with trach and feeding tubes. Then in psych. Then they sent him home with me. The rest of 2016 was complete chaos of hospitalizations for him - did not realize it was the drugs they were forcing on him. I was stupid. They messed him up so badly - 30 days of overdrugging in a "stabilization" unit. (he was the MOST unstable here!) Upon D/C, they discontinued his meds and gave him an injection of Abilify Maintena. Severe reaction to this. No sleep, severe akathathsia, pacing the floors night and day, hardly eating -- exactly 2 weeks later - he was arrested. In jail 14 months where they tried multiple drugs on him. Finally putting him on Clozapine and Effexor. Then he was court ordered to a residential treatment center. The doctor there increased the Clozapine from 300mg to 500mg. 225mg effexor. He was getting through the court ordered program for 10 months. Then they ran out of his Clozapine. I really do not know all details because I have learned how corrupt they are. He was forced hospitalized. Day 1: forcibly injected with Haldol X2, Ativan X3, Versed X2, Geodon X1. While he was suffering withdraws from the abrupt CT cessation of 500mg of Clozapine and now the cessation of 225mg of Effexor - both forced upon him by the "professionals". Day 2: Forced injection of Haldol and ativan. I informed the hospital that he cannot tolerate haldol. But they continued to drug him up. Day three: Forced injections of Haldol X 3 and ativan X 3 and then they started giving him Benztropine. By the time I saw my son at visitation, he was almost dead and it was a gruesome sight. I will not give details but I know I suffer post traumatic stress from it all -- I had to argue with nurse to get help for him. He finally was rushed to CV-ICU. He had DX of respiratory failure, acute kidney failure with rhabdomylosis, dehydration, clozapine withdraws. The ICU doctor noted that they had to work on my son for 48 minutes to "stop vital organ system failure and stop further life-threatening deterioration of patient's condition". After ICU, it was awful - he was soon thrown back into psych. All visitation and phone rights denied him. He was kept in restraints, completely naked, hours on end. Med techs would hold him on the floor while other techs kicked and beat him in the head. They continued to forcibly drug him with thorazine, restoril, ativan, even adding depakote and eventually starting the clozapine again. I had to fight for him for three months. He still has health problems today. I am his caretaker but I need help. He currently is taking: 500mg Clozapine, 150mg effexor. 4- Me- I cannot even remember when I started to taper my meds. Everything is a blur. I started realizing how bad they are for me. Knew very little. I cut the lexapro dose in half - I think this was early 2017. And I cut the klonopin dose by 1/4. Still, since then, a few different meds were started but I would stop them CT. Then I started learning more. I read parts of the Ashton Manual. I have been on FB groups. I have actually received a lot of harsh treatment from some people in the FB groups, so I rarely go on any of those groups anymore. I have a scale now. I shave off my klonopin. I tried lowering the lexapro but ended up going back up to 10mg and holding. Want to get off klonopin. But I am not doing well at all. I am exhausted. cannot write anymore. I have waited years to even get this put in here. I hope it makes sense. I have tried liquid titration with klonopin - disaster for me. I hardly have time to even care for myself - son is urgent. I am just barely functioning. So that's that. Not how I would have liked to write it. but mind is jumbled I think. I feel misunderstood. Hope I am not misunderstood here. I feel very much alone. NIghtmares- terrible. depression like I have never experienced. extreme fatigue, but high demands on me. I have to function. No one cares or understands about my son or about me. My son needs to taper but I think he needs to wait until off probation - maybe April or May this year. Everything I read and see about Clozapine and the horrible labels they have assigned to him - it seems hopeless. I feel hopeless of ever getting off klonopin and lexapro. This is no way to live. I am making no sense. Not even painting the right picture...for people to understand. How does anyone successfully get off these drugs and get out of the control of the system? We live in FL and they are "Baker Act" crazy here. Baker Act is forced hospitalization. They even have police come handcuff and take children right out of schools to a psych facility. It is only getting worse. I do not know what to do. I want to be free of these drugs. Also, my son wants to be free of the drugs. We both want to be free from the control of this holocaust type system call psychiatry. I know a moderator has to approve. Maybe this was not written correctly. Just let me know what I did wrong. This took a lot of effort. Even reading takes a lot of effort and I even forget. So maybe i am not supposed to put all this in here. Just let me know.

Free from Zoloft and Benzos After 25+ Years of Use One-year post taper “success story” – http://survivingantidepressants.org Elbee (male) - August 27, 2020 At the time of this success story post, I have passed the one-year mark (15+ months) living drug-free. I am speaking to you from “the other side” of hell to let you know I made it through the nightmare of psychiatric drug withdrawal -- and so can you. I want to start by saying that everyone’s withdrawal from psychiatric drugs is going to differ – no two paths are the same. While there will be commonalities in what we each experience, there will also be differences. I also believe that none of us are uniquely or irreparably “broken,” and that each of us can find a path to living much fuller, healthier lives in greater freedom. To be clear, I had doubts throughout this process . . . believing that somehow, I was MORE “broken,” and that I wouldn’t find my way out of the darkness. But the natural, innate healing power we each possess is profoundly AWESOME, and it quietly, patiently works in the background in each of our lives. . . even if we can’t see it, and even if we don’t trust it. For me, the psychiatric drug withdrawal / tapering process turned out to be an invitation to learn how to live my life differently. It became clear to me in this journey that I could never go back to some idealized place I vaguely imagined myself clinging to . . . I could only move forward to somewhere I had not yet been. I need to be honest: It is still hard to revisit and write about just how painful this drug withdrawal process was. Now that I’m feeling so much better, a part of me wants to forget the whole ordeal . . . as if looking in a rear-view mirror, driving ever-further away. And the reality is that this rear-view mirror perspective is very much real -- I’m SO grateful not to be suffocating in such intense pain anymore! But it is also true I will carry the scars of this experience with me for the rest of my life. It is clear to me now that some of me died through this drug withdrawal process. It is also true that the most precious parts of me came back to life. And I am still healing. I was very much disabled through the most intensive parts of the drug taper. I was on these psych drugs for panic attacks, anxiety, and depression my entire adult life, over 25 years. Additionally, I was drinking alcohol abusively, and relying on multiple pots of coffee and a pack of cigarettes to get me through each day. Even before I had decided to get off the meds, I was utterly exhausted most of the time, barely functional, and unconsciously stumbling through life like a zombie. I knew I had to fundamentally change how I was living. The first step in my detox efforts was to quit alcohol in April of 2014, 30 years after taking my first drink as a kid. Thankfully, I was able to release alcohol from my life relatively easily. Whatever boost alcohol had given me previously was gone, and it was clear to me as a 44 year old man that the devastating hangovers I experienced were getting more difficult. Then, over that following summer and under doctor supervision, I “tapered” entirely off both the Lorazepam and Zoloft that I had been taking for 24 years. I experienced tons of anxiety in the process, but I did it, and after the 4-month ordeal, I thought I was in the clear. Unfortunately, about six weeks after taking my last dose of Zoloft, what I now know to be protracted withdrawal hit, and my life spun into a depth of hell that words cannot describe. Instead of re-instating the same drugs I had been taking, the doctors took me on an 8-month “trial-and-error” roller coaster ride of psychiatric drug experimentation. I finally ended up on higher doses of the drugs I had originally quit, plus Remeron added in for good measure. Through all of this, I landed in a very bad place – exhausted, functionally disabled, unable to work, and unsure what to do next. I had some savings in the bank I could live on for a few years, so I decided to “hole up” to do a new taper, following the much slower tapering protocol of the SurvivingAntidepressants.org website. But my savings were limited, so I used the 10% reduction protocol as a baseline, and pushed the taper as fast as I could without killing myself in the process. I’m not sure I would suggest this approach to anyone else, but in my situation, that’s what I did. Note: I’m going to refrain from listing out all the symptomatic horrors I experienced (there were many) as I write this success story. Here is the link, if you’re interested, to my introductory thread which details my four-year psychiatric drug withdrawal process: https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/11862-%E2%98%BC-elbee-25-years-of-meds/ And I want to take a moment here to say how incredibly grateful I am to @Altostrata, @Shep @brassmonkey, @bubble, @apace41, @Gridley, @Rhiannon (her writings), @JanCarol, @KarenB, @ChessieCat, @Petunia, @scallywag and all the folks at SurvivingAntidepressants.org who helped save my life. I also came across Robert Whitaker’s book, Anatomy of an Epidemic around the same time I found this site, and from these resources, I knew I had stumbled into truth. It became clear to me that so much of what the mainstream medical establishment had told me about these drugs, and about my so-called “chemical imbalance,” was false -- I had been lied to. SurvivingAntidepressants.org helped me anchor into this truth and set me on a new course. THANK YOU! With these new resources, I came to understand that getting off the drugs wasn’t just a simple matter of refraining from ingesting chemicals, or even about waiting for those chemicals to dissipate out of my body. I learned that my brain had restructured itself around the presence of the drugs all these years and that by removing the drugs, my brain would have to, very slowly, restructure itself again to a healthy state. The metaphor of a plant (my brain) growing on a trellis (the drugs) for support is so profound to me. How can I expect to abruptly rip out the trellis and think that it won’t damage the plant in devastating ways? This metaphor was such a clear illustration to me of how a neuroplastic human brain builds tolerance, and how we can so easily become entangled in the physiological mechanisms of addiction. And to be very clear, our brains develop tolerance to psychiatric drugs just like they do street drugs, and the mechanics of addiction and withdrawal in each are the same. Gaining this knowledge and allowing it to sink in was probably one of the most important early milestones in my healing process. In preparing for writing this success story, I re-read my entire introductory thread. Several pivotal posts stood out to me as other milestones in my healing process, and while this testimonial might go long, I think it could be useful to touch on some of them . . . In my very first post, I am already talking about the value of meditation. Sitting with myself quietly and focusing on my breath helped me slow down my mind and learn to relax. As I continued with the practice, though, I began experiencing periods of discomfort. I had initially taken the psychiatric drugs to avoid feeling uncomfortable feelings, and as I practiced meditating space was again created for those feelings to arise. Learning to slowly sit with and tolerate whatever thoughts and feelings arose began to nullify my need to run away, and therefore, lesson my urge to drug the discomfort. Meditation became a cornerstone of my self-care practice, and self-care is what I ultimately found to replace the drugs. Next milestone -- about a year later, I wrote an entry about a decision I was struggling with on whether to consult with a renowned psychiatrist. A relative was able to get me an appointment for a psychiatric medication evaluation from a “leader in the field” (at the bargain price of $2,000). Looking back, it was then I decided I no longer believed in the efficacy of psychiatric drugs, nor the system that deals in them. I wrote: Next, in the summer of 2016, still early in my tapering and recovery process, I went on a 111-day, 9,000-mile solo road trip across the U.S. In retrospect, I was probably looking for something “out there” that was missing “in here.” I did a four-day vision fast in the wilderness, hiked a 14,000-foot mountain, roamed Death Valley, did a week-long silent meditation retreat, camped under redwoods, hiked numerous National Parks, etc. Was it really a good idea to take this pilgrimage in such a compromised state? I can’t say for sure, but it’s what I did, and I think it cracked through defenses that needed to open. In the Hoh Forest of Olympic National Park in Washington state, I experienced a release of emotions like I had never felt before. It was in that moment I finally realized that releasing stored emotional blockages could ease my anxiety: Another milestone: Upon returning home to Florida later that fall, I dove more deeply into my involvement with the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) 12-Step program. In conjunction with doing EMDR with a skilled, compassionate trauma therapist, ACA helped me crack through layers of protective childhood denial that I had carried into adulthood. Some people advise NOT deliberately digging into the unconscious too much while going through psychiatric drug withdrawal, but my path has been that of heavy digging. I accepted living in a disabled state for a period of time and felt that if I was going to get off these drugs, I needed to address what drove me to take them in the first place. By early summer of 2017, my commitment to this recovery approach had strengthened. Along with addressing the trauma associated with childhood family dysfunction, I opened another door . . . into the shame and terror I experienced hiding as a closeted young gay boy and gay teen. I had initially come out 25 years earlier at age 20 (the same time I started taking the psych drugs), but that was only part of my truth I was hiding. The secrets of my sexual orientation were built upon the secrets of having grown up in family dysfunction: Homophobia turned out to be compounding trauma, and I had been living in a closet within a closet. I had more inner work to do. Perhaps one of my most significant milestones was realizing how important it was for me to take the lead in my healing, and how easily I had deferred to the “expertise of authorities” in my life. By June of 2017, I had navigated my way off the benzos completely, and I recognized the importance of building an internal sense of trust – connecting with my more authentic self to discover a new inner compass. Despite appearing outwardly confident most of my life, inner trust was something I lacked. By allowing myself to fully feel, I had opened to recognizing my own authentic needs, to directly and respectfully communicating my needs, and to setting healthy limits and boundaries. By learning these important skills that I had missed earlier in life, I discovered greater internal trust with myself, and greater discernment in trusting others. By January of 2018, I had another important insight: I more fully recognized I was going through an internal chemical withdrawal process in addition to detoxing from the drugs I was ingesting. Behavioral (or process) compulsions and addictions all have physiological and neurological correlates, and I had been heavily “dosing” throughout my life using my own “internal drug store.” This realization profoundly shifted my perspective on my psychiatric drug withdrawal process, seeing it in a more comprehensive context. A lot of my recovery has involved working with an “inner critic” that had been driving me most of my life, born and sustained from a lack of unconditional love. Ironically, this harshness was so pervasive that I had never consciously known it was there. My inner critic constantly pushed me into the extremes of all-nothing thinking. Again, meditative practices more than anything helped me identify this was going on, and ACA reparenting (inner child work) has allowed me to soften it. By the end of 2018, I started discovering something that had evaded me my whole life – moderation, and a general sense of “OK-ness.” By April 2019, I had found a new pace in life to accompany my new inner compass, and I was nearing the full completion of my psychiatric drug taper. I was one-year benzo-free at this point, and at times, I was overwhelmed with heights of new sensations and emotions. I was feeling things I hadn’t experienced since I was a teenager because I had been drugged my entire adult life. It was overpowering in many ways, but I was so grateful to be “awakening” to a much more fully human life. On April 28, 2019, I was finally free from Zoloft, and my psychiatric drug taper was complete. I had found a way out of the darkness, and I had survived. I couldn’t remember having ever felt so alive. So, while this isn’t my entire recovery story, I’m fulfilling my promise to report back and share my continuing journey with others. Where do things stand today, 15 months after taking a psychiatric drug for the last time ever? No need to panic. I’m not experiencing depersonalization, derealization (DP/DR), or panic attacks in frightening ways. I do still feel what I might call different states of consciousness, but often there is a positive, expansive quality to these experiences. Perhaps some might call this bliss? I haven’t really found ways to talk about it yet clearly, but I don’t experience panic attacks in the ways I used to. I still have fears of them returning, but less so with time. I also get “eerie” feelings now and again, but I have found ways to work with that when it happens, and it doesn’t usually last long. Scariest weirdness has ceased. Most of the “unexplainable” adverse reactions I experienced don’t happen anymore. I would get terrible flu-like symptoms for days at a time . . . hot flashes and chills, body aches, cramps, twitches, headaches, fogginess and disorientation, exhaustion, etc. Sometimes my heart would start racing for no apparent reason, or I would have trouble breathing. I had chronic digestion issues. I had intense agoraphobia, even paranoia at times. I had problems making the simplest decisions. All of this, for the most part, has subsided. Consistent rest. My sleep has changed dramatically, and I’m so grateful. I have struggled with sleep my entire life . . . unable to fall asleep at night and feeling anxious and “hungover” with crippling anxiety each morning. For as long as I can remember, I wanted nothing more than to sleep “normally” from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. and wake-up feeling well-rested. Today, more times than not, my sleep resembles very much what I used to wish for. I wrote an entry summarizing what I’ve done to address my sleep issues here. Keep gently working with triggers. I still have intense anxiety at times and find myself in hypervigilant states. I’ve come to understand this as a trauma response, and I can usually identify what has triggered me and/or how my inner critic has become activated. I’ve developed self-care routines that help to reduce these reactions, and that help me come out of this state much more quickly and easily. Some old wounds have healed permanently – some things that used to trigger me no longer do. AND I want to emphasize there are days now, thankfully, I live virtually anxiety-free. Self-care (reparenting) is my new drug. I had SO much resistance to doing self-care my whole life (for many reasons I won’t get into here). And by self-care, I don’t mean treating myself to a spa day (though that probably doesn’t hurt). I mean the day-in and day-out routines of physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually tending to myself like I’m the most precious being in the world. Self-care is what got me to where I am today, and it will be the practice of my lifetime. Don’t overdo it. As my life continues to get fuller, I can easily start “checking-out” again. If I stay dissociated for too long, I will pay for it. If I overcommit while on autopilot, I will have adverse reactions when I reconnect with myself. If I try to shortcut too much on the self-care, I will most definitely feel it, and I will struggle. Moving forward, I have to be very careful not to take on too much too quickly, and simply take next best steps. The worst is over. I’ve come to accept that I will never know how much of the excruciating symptoms I experienced these past years were due directly to the psychiatric drug withdrawal, versus how much was due to all the “inner work” I was doing. What I can say is that the symptoms from folks going through psychiatric drug withdrawal and folks doing inner transformative (trauma) work tend to be very much the same. It’s uncanny really, and I can’t explain it. But these two processes seem to very much mirror each other. What I can say is that while there will still be “windows and waves” as my brain keeps healing, and while I still have more “inner work” to do, I’m confident the heaviest lifting for me is done now. Perhaps most indicative of the healing I’ve experienced, I’m feeling well enough now that I’m back in school earning a Master’s in Social Work (MSW) – I’m going to become a therapist. While I’m a bit uneasy stepping towards healthcare systems that betrayed me so deeply, I also feel this is how I can be of most benefit. I’ve come to fully believe that my wounds are intrinsically linked to my gifts, and as I continue to heal my wounds, my gifts will become increasingly available. I’ve been doing volunteer work for some time now, which has helped me to “move back out into the world,” and I hope to transition into paid work soon. I’ve been meeting with people in support capacities, and I envision “coaching” people at some point until I more formally earn my credentials. I plan to be very open about my history with psychiatric drugs, as well as my recovery process. I journaled extensively all throughout my recovery process, and perhaps I will share the “long version” of my story in the future (yes, this is the short version). For now, writing this success story is an important next step in my “coming out.” Thank you for witnessing my healing. Elbee-Success-Story_Free from Zoloft and Benzos After 25 years on them.pdf

My history with medication started when I took a leave of absense from college in 2001, after my first semester. I moved back across the country, lived in a friend's dorm room, got a job, got an apartment, and decided to seek help for depression and trouble focusing. I was prescribed Ritalin. Over the years (see signature for meds), I was given meds for depression, sleep problems, ADHD, and eventually Bipolar II. In October of 2013, I left a job both over ethical concerns and because I wanted to work for myself. I lost access to the medications I was on at the time, though, because of an insurance SNAFU. By mid-2014, I was practically non-functional, though I was also trying new meds and working with a therapist. In 2015, I ended up unable to work, moving to my parent's home, and getting SSDI. Many of the meds I've tried since then (and before) gave me immediate adverse effects, or soon after I started taking them. In 2021, Lexapro was added, and that gave me constant nausea, but I was determined to stick it out. I had to use cannabis constantly in order to not feel like throwing up. Then, when I learned about laws in a couple states passing that explicitly allowed medical providers to deny care for "religious or ethical reasons," targeting queer people (I'm a trans* guy and gay), I threw temper tantrums like a two-year-old at both my therapist and mother for two days, and became extremely activated. At first I was ranting out of terror, and then angry at their lack of empathy. It was both called-for and out-of-line. Then began a flurry of activity. I felt like myself, and like I was developing good boundaries. I told people about many painful things from the past. I was also, in retrospect, not well, but when my APRN told me to stop taking Lexapro because "people say you've been acting out of character," I was livid, because I finally felt like myself again, and it was traumatizing to hear about those laws being passed and have people to tell me to calm down because it wasn't an immediate threat. I told her that sometimes when someone experiences something new, they act in a new way; it's objectively true. I don't know. I developed panic attack symptoms, had trouble regulating my body temperature, had more than the usual variations in energy level, and had a lot of sleep disturbances. My proprioception was often way off. I compulsively spent money, but in a way that made half-sense. A few months into the Lexapro, I developed some movement disorder symptoms, sort of only half-controllable unwinding stretching, triggered also by physical therapy for severe pain and stiffness in the right side of my neck. The stretching felt good, but then I got tight again. That was particularly weird. I often had very firm boundaries over the spring and summer, getting to the point of yelling when my concerns about my safety as a queer person were being thrown back in my face. Some people told me I was hard to follow, but others could follow me fine. All of my emotions were amplified. At one point I hit a wall with my fist in my mother's house, and dented it. I offered to fix it or pay to have it fixed, but that offer was rejected. In the fall, without prior warning, my family changed the locks on my place, and threw away whatever they thought was trash, and I lived in long-term Airbnbs until March. I somehow managed to close on a house in February, and started living in it in March. The place was indeed horrible, in terms of cleanlinees, but advance notice and dealing with it more directly would've been better. Of course, they don't know what my living spaces always look like. Throughout the winter and spring, I had migraines a lot of the time. In March of 2022, things got psychedelic. I've never done hallucinogens, actually. I've also never had any hallucinations or delusions... until maybe this stuff. I was in part wrapped up in fantasies about finding a way back to having my family in my life, and in part seeing patterns and thinking I had outsized influence on the world if I interacted with them right. I saw problems and became fixated on them. I was sometimes, in my thinking, straight-up delusional. I went for lots of drives, exploring patterns - real ones having to do with the development of the highway system - but why? I became very tuned-in to my emotional intelligence, and spent a lot of time dancing and acting to music, and feeling through the layers of meanings in the lyrics. I can't remember if I'd decided to stop/cut back the Xanax before or after this. In late March, I ran out of gas on the highway, without my phone, really only needed a tow truck, but since I didn't have anyone to call for help and was very amped up, I ended up involuntarily hospitalized in another state, with no way to reach anyone. First, I was in an emergency room, and got the bends very bad from something. I was lucid dreaming, and spinning around in the bed. They injected me with something, I don't know what. When I got to the hospital, I half-thought it was all a mistake and someone might come get me. I opted to be there for three days under my own power. Since I had no access to my meds, this lead to my going cold-turkey off of Wellbutrin, Lamictal, Adderall, Xanax, and Lexapro. No one evaluated me there, but they tried to get me to take something (wouldn't tell me what). I felt pretty much fine, but half-believed it must be some kind of elaborate prank, under the influence of drugs, trauma, or both. From then on, things got even weirder. I started to forget to pay bills, I became convinced there was something seriously wrong with the electricity in my home, and no consequences mattered. I had total blindness to how my actions affected others. In May, I again ended up needing a tow truck (the gearshift became disengaged), without my phone. I got extremely sick in the car, got a tow truck instead of a hospital this time, but got kicked out by the driver of the tow truck because of the smell. I had auditory and mild visual hallucinations, very "creative" thoughts, and ended up taking two weeks to get back home. I simply let the car go, bought another car (but got a ticket for driving without insurance and driving an unregistered vehicle, and now have a warrant out for me in another state), worked on it a little but lost focus and bought an even more messed-up vehicle, worked on that, and then stopped caring. I developed bad chemical sensitivity for a month or a few (even my skin barrier was weird), and had movement disorder symptoms spring up after exposure to chlorine, followed by lotion and CBD oil. Could also be psychological, in part. I got a big lump on my scalp, a rash on first the left and then the right side of my neck, ingrown hairs on my knees. I had to re-wash everything I'd washed at a laundromat. I'd have to make movements in response to sounds, or feel prickling or burning in my toes response to seeing certain people, or other unknown causes. It's still happening a bit. I trashed the office space I was renting, because I had increased sensitivity in my nerves, and thought there was something corrosive going on I needed to clean up with salt, baking soda, some natural cleaning supplies, and clean cat litter, but also couldn't focus, and ended up leaving behind a massive mess and giving the owner no notice, after being two weeks late with rent, after the guy I'd hired decided he wasn't going to stick around. I've had a lot of scary physical symptoms that felt like they could become blood clots or heart attacks, but those haven't happened for months. For a while I had so much tension in my trunk area, it felt like my pelvic bones were eating themselves, all prickly. I have more feeling on my left side than my right. Usually when I wake up, some part of one or both of my hands is numb. I had a lot of strong anxiety, on and off. There's a lot I've left out. These days, I'm dissociated and flat, but also have extreme avoidance behaviors, a different kind of anxiety. My frustration/obstacle tolerance is almost nothing. I don't have a temper about it, my brain just short-circuits. Pretty much I sit around smoking hand-rolled cigarettes, and drinking filtered water with ginger in it, thoughts about my family or others swirling around, wishing I could trust new people and/or had local friends. I wish I could hand power of attorney to someone and tell them what to take care of. If I can get started on something, I manage to change my address somewhere, or make a payment plan on a credit card, or do some small thing, like pre-rinse clothes in the sink. The stuff I paid to have packed and stored, whatever was at the apartment that wasn't thrown away, I haven't been able to face and has probably been thrown out for non-payment by now. I've been to a primary care doctor twice, and have an appointment with a neurologist in October. I got basic bloodwork done and was fine; tried to get a toxin or heavy metal panel done but couldn't. Probably what I thought was toxin exposure was in fact withdrawal stuff, though. I've been trying to find a therapist who I can get to without a car and who takes my Medicare plan, but no luck so far. As far as I can tell, what's happening is CPTSD, PTSD, and polypharmacy withdrawal interacting. As weird and bad as things are, it's not like they weren't often like this even before I was ever prescribed anything. For example, I've almost never been able to care about "self-care," unless it's to make sure I'm not judged or otherwise for another's benefit. I can see a lot of "self-sabotage" in many of the things I've done, pathological narcissistic acting-out, some victim/savior/persecutor dynamics, but it all seems a bit extreme for it to be "just" trauma.

does paroxetine / Paxil withdrawals get you extreme anger? (and about narcissistic mother) Hello, I am 24 year old male with panic disorder. I was on various anti-depressants for panic disorder from 2017, after my dad passed away on 2016 but from past 4 years (19-22) I am on Paroxetine CR 25mg, But I feel like sometimes it stops working and everything becomes irritating and you see I have a narcissistic mother who will don't let a single opportunity to waste to anger me. I tried many time to get off it by going to lower dose 12.5mg but the withdrawals were worst. Even if I take anything like vitamins or eat have a lemon for C in morning it really get worse. I currently taper myself to 12.5 from 25mg again (I thought I could handle it this time) by doing meditation and it was bit helpful at start but now the things getting now bit tough. and I am kind of worried that withdrawal will stay longer. Questions: should I keep taking the lower dose and suffer for a bit if the withdrawals are not gonna last longer or should I revert to the original dose of 25mg? & Are the extreme anger and irritation a withdrawal symptoms or is it me? (I can't even stay in the same room as my mother) I am literally scared to my core with the anger and irritated I feel with all the taunts and manipulation by my narcissistic mother I had suffer every single day for 24 years. It breaks my heart to see how much I have suffer from her and continuing so, I am 24 and good in programming but currently have no job and until I get my own place which is extremely hard I have to stay with her. Contact me anytime, We could support each other Instagram: onix_fellar Thanks

Congress Proposes Research on the Link Between Psychiatric Drugs and Suicide By Chuck Ruby, PhD Featured Blogs March 30, 2016 Congressman David Jolly (FL-13) has recently introduced the Veteran Suicide Prevention Act (H.R. 4640). The bill calls for the VA to study veteran suicides over the past five years and to determine what extent psychiatric drugs are implicated in those suicides. The International Society of Ethical Psychology and Psychiatry (ISEPP) has long been concerned about this issue, and more broadly, how our veterans and military members suffering from the horrors of war and other traumatic experiences are being treated. I sent letters of support to Mr. Jolly’s office, offering ISEPP’s assistance in any way possible. In 2012, ISEPP launched “Operation Speak Up” (OSU) as a response to the alarmingly high suicide rate of veterans. The name signifies our desire to help veterans speak up, rather than being shut up with psychiatric drugs. Although it started as an effort to encourage Congress to consider a non-medical model approach to helping those suffering from trauma, it quickly turned into a grassroots and consumer focused endeavor from the ground up under the leadership of our OSU Director, Mary Vieten, Ph.D., ABPP, U.S. Naval Reserve Commander. Mary has since made great strides in partnering with Melwood, Inc., a non-profit organization dedicated to helping people with disabilities in the greater Washington DC area. Together with Melwood’s support and funding, Mary has created a program called TOHIDU (a Cherokee word meaning “peace of mind, body, and spirit”) as a wonderful alternative to conventional treatment. You can see more about TOHIDU here. Mr. Jolly’s bill will be the first to establish congressional oversight of this alarming problem of using psychiatric drugs shotgun style to quiet the screams of trauma. Despite the increasing concerns of the deleterious effects of psychiatric drugs, they continue to be the mainstay form of treatment within the VA and Defense Department, as they are on the outside. This has to change.The extant research makes it abundantly clear that psychiatric drugs do not correct chemical imbalances. It would be better said that they cause chemical imbalances. They artificially alter brain chemistry in ways that are not clearly understood, and that numb important emotions that signal meaningful issues in our lives. The brain tries to counteract their effect by making changes in how neurotransmitters are used. The person experiences these changes in very agonizing ways, the most worrisome is called “akathisia,” or a state of agitation, restlessness, and a terrible sense of not feeling welcome in one’s own skin. This can lead to unpredictable irritability and violent behavior, including violence toward oneself. To read more on this, see ISEPP’s White Paper. More here: http://www.madinamerica.com/2016/03/congress-proposes-research-on-the-link-between-psychiatric-drugs-and-suicide/ Also on that page is information about how to contact Congress to express your support for this bill. It would be a great idea to also encourage them to investigate the suicide-drug link in other populations too!