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On healing and the blocks to recovery


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#1 dalsaan

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Posted 05 October 2015 - 08:21 PM

Everyone wants to make progress and have healing occur.   That is the most significant thing we share and why we are here.  However, we are all capable of blocking our own healing particularly when the process and what we have to do challenges us. 

 

There are a number of reasons why we put up road-blocks to our recovery even though that’s what we desperately desire.  In reality, healing often entails:

 

·      Facing things that we have been avoiding or suppressing for a long time (for me, that was childhood sexual abuse and trauma);

·      Facing our fears and taking action in the context of uncertainty (even though you are terrified);

·      Holding ourselves accountable for how our actions impact our life (before and during withdrawal);

·      Believing healing is possible and trusting your body/mind;

·      Letting go of often long held stories about who and how we are in the world and being willing to find a new me in the process;

·      Being determined to cautiously identify the suite of unique conditions that best manifest our healing capacity;

·      Being patient and disciplined.

 

 

I think the people that have progressed down the road to recovery have been able to get out of their own way and carefully identify and create conditions that are conducive to recovery.   They are also conscious of and willing to address conditions that aren’t conducive to recovery, including those that they generate themselves.

 

None of this is easy and I am inspired by lots of people on this site and determined to keep myself accountable for my own continued healing.

 

Good healing to you all

 

Dalsaan

 

 

 


Please note - I am not a medical practitioner and I do not give medical advice. I offer an opinion based on my own experiences, reading and discussion with others.On Effexor for 2 months at the start of 2005. Had extreme insomnia as an adverse reaction. Changed to mirtazapine. Have been trying to get off since mid 2008 with numerous failures including CTs and slow (but not slow enough tapers)Have slow tapered at 10 per cent or less for years. I have liquid mirtazapine made at a compounding chemist.
Was on 1.6 ml as at 19 March 2014.
Dropped to 1.5 ml 7 June 2014. Dropped to 1.4 in about September.
Dropped to 1.3 on 20 December 2014. Dropped to 1.2 in mid Jan 2015.
Dropped to 1 ml in late Feb 2015. I think my old medication had run out of puff so I tried 1ml when I got the new stuff and it seems to be going ok. Sleep has been good over the last week (as of 13/3/15).
Dropped to 1/2 ml 14/11/15 Fatigue still there as are memory and cognition problems. Sleep is patchy but liveable compared to what it has been in the past.

>My intro post is here - http://survivinganti...ic/2250-dalsaan

#2 freespirit

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Posted 06 October 2015 - 12:01 PM

Very well said Dalsaan. Causes and conditions for healing for each of us have both some common as well as unique features....in addition, those causes and conditions are always changing. It can be easy to get into traps of thinking, "I tried that and it didn't work" or "I know this works"...and not realize that we are always evolving, and we need to keep updating how we respond to the evolution. Really listening requires a moment to moment presence and willingness to not know the answer.


Remeron for depression. Started at 7.5 mg. in 2005. Gradual increases over 8 years, up to 45 mg. in 2012.Began tapering in June 2013. Went from 45 to 30 mg in the first 3-4 months. Held for a couple of months.Started tapering by 3.75 mg every month or 2, with some longer holding periods. Eventually went down to 3.75 mg. about April 2014. Stopped taking Remeron August 2014. Developed issues with histamine a week after stopping--symptoms reduced through diet. Currently having issues with certain foods, especially high histamine.

Current Medications: Synthroid 37.5 mg

Current Supplements:B complex, Vitamin C, D, K2, Quercetin, CoQ10, Tart Cherry, Probiotic, Phytoplankton oil, magnesium lotion or epsom salts bath daily.

What has helped me most: qi gong, exercise, healthy diet, meditation, IV vitamins, homeopathy, massage, acupuncture, chiropractic, music, and cuddling my cats..

My introduction: http://survivinganti...it/#entry144282

Please note: I am not a therapist or medical practitioner. Any suggestions offered come solely from my personal experience in recovering from childhood trauma, therapy, and AD use. Please seek appropriate care for yourself.

 

“When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.”

~Jean Shinoda Bolen


 

 


#3 dalsaan

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Posted 06 October 2015 - 04:24 PM

All good points freespirit.  I think sometimes our greatest challenge is to have a moment by moment focus on the present so that we can listen.   I think its easy to get stuck in the past (what has happened to me, how long have I been in pain etc) or very orientated to the future (when will my taper finish/recovery be done)

 

The present is the gap between past and future.   It is real time so if we listen we can hear what is happening for us now.  it is also the only point in time that we can take action.

 

D


Please note - I am not a medical practitioner and I do not give medical advice. I offer an opinion based on my own experiences, reading and discussion with others.On Effexor for 2 months at the start of 2005. Had extreme insomnia as an adverse reaction. Changed to mirtazapine. Have been trying to get off since mid 2008 with numerous failures including CTs and slow (but not slow enough tapers)Have slow tapered at 10 per cent or less for years. I have liquid mirtazapine made at a compounding chemist.
Was on 1.6 ml as at 19 March 2014.
Dropped to 1.5 ml 7 June 2014. Dropped to 1.4 in about September.
Dropped to 1.3 on 20 December 2014. Dropped to 1.2 in mid Jan 2015.
Dropped to 1 ml in late Feb 2015. I think my old medication had run out of puff so I tried 1ml when I got the new stuff and it seems to be going ok. Sleep has been good over the last week (as of 13/3/15).
Dropped to 1/2 ml 14/11/15 Fatigue still there as are memory and cognition problems. Sleep is patchy but liveable compared to what it has been in the past.

>My intro post is here - http://survivinganti...ic/2250-dalsaan

#4 Hopeinahpwr

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Posted 01 April 2016 - 06:54 PM

Dalsaan,
I like your point regarding being terrified, but taking action to change in spite of the fear. When I had come off the Zoloft and then the depression hit like a boulder...I feared the unknown, and rightly so, but now that I returned to zoloft to stabilize...I now fear the fear itself of reducing the meds again, which could be a roadblock to a successful end. I must not fear and fight thru the hell of post-AD effects.

On zoloft since 2000 for OCD/anxiety. Tapered off from 150mg to 100, 50, 25 over Dec/Jan 2015. After month n half off, began depression. Being terrified, as I never had depression before, after a few days, went back to 50mg, then five days later to 100mg. Now stable. I will stop this medication, with time and perseverance...my current taper level and timing are as follows, which includes No other Rx's, No alcohol, NEVER any illicit drugs:
    84mg from October 2016

    82mg from February 2017

    80mg from April 2017

"Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift." - Eleanor Roosevelt 

"Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation."

               - Viktor Frankl 


#5 Persephone

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Posted 02 April 2016 - 09:19 AM

Dalsaan,

 

Thank you for addressing what for me is the elephant in the room.

 

I am prone to "forgetting" big, important issues that I need to address, or at least hold in my conscience - like depression, like childhood sexual abuse.

 

So often I measure how I am doing in terms of tangible work and home busyness, perhaps as a means to avoid these hard issues. 

 

Not sure where to go from here. As many of you have already said, being present in the moment is key. And facing fears.

 

I am glad to have this issue out in the open.


1980-84?: tricyclic antidepressant? unknown dosage, gradually quit by forgetting to take it

2011: Cipralex 10 mg increased to 20 mg after two months, Zyprexa 2.5 mg increased to 5 mg after one month

2012: Cipralex 20 mg, Zyprexa reduced to 2.5 mg, then stopped (withdrawal symptoms attributed to depression), Abilify 2 mg, then increased to 5 mg 

2013: Cipralex 20 mg, Wellbutrin 150 mg, Abilify decreased to 2 mg and then stopped

2014: Cipralex reduced to 10 mg (no taper and withdrawal symptoms), Wellbutrin 150 mg

2015-16: Cipralex 10 mg, Wellbutrin 150 mg

Started tapering Cipralex on March 31, 2016: 9 mg; April 27: 8.25 mg, May 25: 7.25 mg

Also Synthroid 0.1 mg (2003-present)

Supplements for migraine: Magnesium, Coenzyme Q10, B2, B Complex, Butterbur, Feverfew

Other supplements: Fish oil, Vitamin E, multivitamin, Vitamin D


#6 Mort81

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Posted 02 April 2016 - 12:19 PM

I think fear of the future is a big one for all of us. And no matter what capacity you are functioning in, you are always wondering when it will normalize. If we could all relax and flow and not put pressure on when will it come. Than I think it becomes easier. Being okay In the present with whatever your dealing with. How do you do that. I think by telling yourself its going to keep getting better no matter what. And after you tell yourself go back to focusing in on the present moment. Do it 100 times a day if you have to.
Was on 30mg (Lexapro) for 7-8yrs20mg for 3 months (This was my choice my Doc wanted me to drop much faster)15 mg 2week10mg 2 weeks 5 mg 1 week0 since August 24th Clonazapam. Currently 0.10mg daily. PPI Dexlant 20-30mg for last 29 months currently at 30mg

#7 Junglechicken

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Posted 03 April 2016 - 07:07 AM

The emotional state of fear has held me in its grips for too long now as I live with continual pain of one form or another.

I have not succeeded in moving through the paralysing fear and into acceptance of what's happening to my body and my mind.

To be able to let go of my fear and actually LIVE again would be the biggest achievement of my life. This is a continual struggle.

The above is what I hope and strive for.

19 Feb 2014 -Cipralex/Escitalopram 10mg daily June 2015 - Started taper, 5mg every other day July 2015 - 5mg every 2 days August 2015 - 5mg every 3 days September 2015 - 5mg every 4 days Sept 14th - Completed tapering, but at 7 weeks "drug free" I suffered serious WD symptoms as a consequence of "incorrect" tapering. Nov 25 2015 - Re-instated Cipralex @ 2.5mg daily. WD symptoms disappeared over a few days. Have been on this dose ever since and am experiencing "windows" and "waves". Nov 15th 2016 Re-started Therapy Jan 19th 2017 Started CBT. 4 Jan 2017 Homeopathic Treatment starts. 24 Feb 2017 Started weight loss program Mar 2017 Naturopathic Treatment starts - anti-Candida diet starts as suspected Candida Related Complex (CRC). 24 March 2017 DETOX (7 weeks) started for anti-Candida to help "re-set" my gut. April 2017 "Genova Testing 3 day stool sampling" Comprehensive Analysis. 11 May 2017 Stool sample analysis results - NEGATIVE :)  Plan to get tested for SIBO July 2017 Plan to get further health screening (mammogram, liver panel, food allergies etc.,).

Plan to re-start taper (Cipralex/Escitalopram) when feel ready.


#8 elbee

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Posted 14 April 2016 - 03:15 PM

Good stuff, thanks!


1990 (age 20, in college) - First major panic attacks (diagnosis, PD, GAD, Depression). Prescribed 100 mg sertraline, 2.5 mg lorazepam. Tried to reduce meds several times but essentially took these meds for about 25 years.
Summer of 2014 - Quit drinking alcohol and 3.5 month taper off all meds under doc supervision. October 2014 - Return of severe panic attacks, with 8-month "SSRI/Benzo chase" to try and stabilize. June 2015 - Found a drug "reinstatement" (more drugs than I had ever been on) that stopped the panic attacks, but was left with severe anxiety, depression, and numerous side effects: 150 mg sertraline (Z=Zoloft), 15 mg mirtazapine (R=Remeron), 2 mg clonazepam (K=Klonopin)

-- Begin new taper -- 12/11/16: Z=100 mg, R=6 mg, K=1 mg, 11/13/16: Z=100 mg, R=7.5 mg, K=1 mg, Z=100 mg, R=7.5 mg, K=1.5 mg, 9/1/16: Z=112.5 mg, R=7.5 mg, K=1.5 mg, 7/27/16: Z=125 mg, R=7.5 mg, K=1.5 mg, 5/1/16: Z=135 mg, R=7.5 mg, K=1.5 mg, 4/10/16: Z=150 mg, R=7.5 mg, K=1.5 mg, 3/1/16: Z=150 mg, R=7.5 mg, K=2.0 mg

My introduction thread.


#9 abbykoch

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Posted 11 November 2016 - 10:03 AM

It's really important that people know what they are eating, a lot of depression can be because of food.


Edited by ChessieCat, 11 November 2016 - 02:12 PM.
removed obscenity


#10 Buffy

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Posted 26 November 2016 - 05:53 PM

This is a great topic and just when I needed to hear it. Once again - thankyou SA. I cant post much- but do read and gain insight, relief and 'support'. This is one of those time.

My body is changing, and as it does, my needs do. I will try not to feel ashamed of what I now need (ie help taking the rubbish out, or help to purchase clothes and food) as I know my needs will again change and as I heal from this experience I will continue to learn self care in its essence. Listening to my evolving body with no judgement, moving at the pace I need.
Currently on 50mg Fluvoxamine. Reading more before the next attempt at tapering.

Started Lexapro 04, have been mostly on med combinations since for 12 years.
May 2015 - zeldox 80 - 100mg, fluvoxamine 200mg, dexamphetamine 10mg
Lorazepam and clonazepam on and off for over a decade. Heavily sedated with antipsychotics - mostly Zyprexa and seroquel. Many hospitalisations. Many types of therapy, last being 7 years of psychodynamic that only figured out my pain was real.
Pain meds - Lyrica 150mg palexia 100mg - discontinued eary 2016
Done ok so far but cant drop the last antidepressant without physical illness.

#11 catnapt

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Posted 27 November 2016 - 01:07 PM

great post, worth re reading several times

 

thank you


1974-2002 many psych meds, all types; longest used drugs include lithium, seroquel, SSRI's zoloft & celexa; many CT's off drugs

2002-2015 on varying doses of lexapro, as  high as 40 mgs, but usually 20mgs

June 2015: tapered too fast to 2.5mgs, then to 2.5mgs every other day Dec 2015:  found SA forum; holding at 2.5mgs 

Early May 2016: jumped off at 2.5mgs, not smart- crashed in late Sept.

Oct 26 2016  reinstated liquid lexapro 0.05ml/day at night, dose +/- til settling on 0.15BID (0.3/day)= windows and waves

Jan 8, 2017 too quick switch to single dose in the morning, 0.3mgs (bad mistake, led to a crash)

Jan 12,2017 added low dose zyprexa for SI, took infrequently as rescue med, last dose Feb.15

Jan 26,2017 lexapro 0.27mg Feb 25 lexapro updose back to 0.3mg due to unrelenting severe insomnia

March 1,2017 insomnia worse, back down to 0.29 to 0.27, to 0.25- improving!! March 17 0.24 April 7 0.21 May7 0.20

March 7, 2017 added low dose lamictal, adjusting dose based on response (currently ~12.5mgs)

Supplements: Magnesium taurate 250mg, chromium, pro-biotic, biotin, glycine 


#12 Lawyerliz

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Posted 27 December 2016 - 09:46 AM

Living in the moment is hard when you are shivering and sweating. But reading lots of these comments makes me realize that I am not alone, and that others have come back from being worse off.

#13 Lawyerliz

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Posted 04 January 2017 - 08:00 AM

Lovely, simply lovely. I think that a lot of people who seem to be perfectly all right are actually a total mess. So if you know you are a mess, you are actually a step ahead of them. You don't come with mess or not mess paintend on your forehead.

#14 Lawyerliz

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Posted 04 January 2017 - 08:53 AM

More chopping, now I am legitimately exhausted, not fatigued.

#15 pinkfairy

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Posted 31 March 2017 - 11:08 AM

Fantastic post,I will be re-reading all this....fear is by far my biggest obstacle!so much childhood traumas...I wouldn't even no where to start to begin to pick up the pieces from this mess!!brillant post
Binge drinker thru out my life 17/37,recreational use of street drugs 17-30
Numerous AD from age 23 upwards
Matazpine 30mg 2007-2012
Paxil an zopiclone 2012-2016
Taken off Paxil in four weeks in janurary 2016
Given diazepam 2-4 feb to June 2016
C/t diazepam June (had no idea not too)
Reinstated 8mg of diazepam in July,crossed over to 8mg of diazepam! given 7.5 matazpine.
Nov 2016 at 5 mg of diazepam
Given Olanzpine 2.5 November 28th-stopped
paxil 1mg 3rd of dec -stopped
Started liquid diazpam 10th of jan.alchol free 13month

#16 Bcdrugfree

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Posted 09 May 2017 - 02:52 PM

I agree the present moment is the only way to move through withdrawal process. I do find myself wondering what life will be like ssri free. At this point it's important to take it day by day and believe that things will change. The big difficulties of withdrawal is the ups and downs and the good days bad days struggle. Finally feel things are getting better then you go two steps back. Staying present is very important at this point of our struggle together:)
20 mg cipralex for 6 years, did a two months taper roughly 5mg at a time. Then 2 months drug free. Then needed to reinstate 5mg cipralex for one week now. Also take omega 3,Vit c, b12, glucosamine as supplements.