Sunset304 Amitriptyline tapering vs continuing benzo taper

[Sunset304]

Hi SarabAra! ???? well I'm all moved in. I just love it. I was going to up dose but the info I got was that it wouldn't take effect for four days. I decided to stick it out. So glad I did and all is well here. Morning anxiety a bit but oh my gosh...SLEEP....precious sleep. I can open a window and get fresh air and its quiet too. I'm in absolute heaven. So grateful that I'm here. A bit of sadness my children aren't to b here or my grandchildren but nothing can override the joy of getting out from where I lived. IBS sxs gone. Yay! I actually did and very happy for doing so. ????

[Freedom15]

Hi Sunset304

 

Hope you are gonig welll i have been tapering Amitriptyline for 13 months now and its been a tuff ride for me.

Really pleased you are feeling a bit better and more positive.

I have never updosed myself and generally stuck out the issues untill i stabilised again to the dose i was at.

 

Hope all gos well with you.

[brassmonkey]

Hi Sunset--  I'm so glad things went so well and the you're loving your new place.  Let's hear it for new beginnings!!!!

 

((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

[Sarabera]

Hi Sunset,

Also so glad to hear you are liking the new place! It is a big change, but I'm sure you'll adjust fine. I'm having a bit of dependency issues with the benzo I'm on (flurazepam) and currently confused about what/how to taper. I'm going to consult with a psych nurse about how to proceed. Hope your tapers are going fine.

Sarah

[Sunset304]

You know I didn't see these messages...... duh........page 2 already!  I'm still really liking it here, where I've moved, but in a bit of slump.  I laugh at myself a lot. Keeps me sane. In Canada its Family Day and Valentine's weekend.  I have neither!  Oh well   I am not going to contact my children.  They behaved horribly, or I should say NOT behaved, the night, before my move even though I literally begged for help.  I humiliated myself royally.  I will never stoop to that again.  Needed maybe a half hour of help and because of not getting it lost $700 damage deposit.  In reality I lost my self respect but I've taken it back and will ride this trek alone.  I'm making some inroads in this community.  I've gone to church twice and an open stage last Sunday afternoon.  I may go again this weekend although I'm feeling this cut rather "deeply".  I wasn't aware that amitrip involved so many neuro receptors and is as difficult as it is to get off.  I got off effexor and recall similar thoughts and feeling so I'm going to hang on to that and get myself off this too.  I want to sincerely thank you all so very much for your interest and encouragement.  Means a lot.  Need to remind myself more insistently about the importance of self care.  Slacking a bit there.  Sending my very best to all and Happy Valentine's Day!  I know it actually might suck for some. (HERE!)  Wish I wasn't such a sap about these holidays.  I'd fare a lot easier.  God bless!    Just as note though.............Sometimes I get so damn angry that going through all this, the sense of accomplishment we get amongst ourselves doesn't exist "out there"!   I use a great deal of self talk and will often when I find myself in awkward or challenging social situations (rare occasion are these situations) look at the ppl and think....... I am doing pretty good and anyone who might feel differently..... well............ try what I and many others are doing and yet go on appearing as all is tickety boo.  I've also started video counseling through the company I worked for and its going ok.  What I come away is just how far I've come from 5 years ago being completely dependent and completely psych compliant.  I know there are many in this same boat ............ We all have done pretty darn good.  Its a shame we have to hide our accomplishments in fear of psychiatric intervention still.  Anyway....... coming here and seeing this marvelous cheering squad has done me a lot of good today.  Thank you 

[Sarabera]

Happy Valentine's Day to you too! (is it celebrated in Canada?) Sounds like you have several positive trends going, even though you are a bit down. What side effects do you think are from tapering? I've been tapering off the benzo and am doing okay, but I even had to updose a tiny bit (about 2 mg) on the amitryptiline to help with sleep. Haven't been able to tackle the taper on that yet.

Sarah

[Sunset304]

The amitrip wd sxs are wicked. The depression, intrusive thoughts, fatigue, sleeplessness, cog fog and even very bad suicidal ideation are just solidly horrible. I'm actually glad I experienced similar in the Effexor wd as I caught myself in a really nasty place ready to find a way... and even researching. Held off. Next day the desire to end it was gone. Unlike the other drugs I've had GI sxs also quite badly and react to food I never have before but mostly they are triggered by feeling I want to be like others and be a mom and grandma. Started crying in church today. I did all I cud to get mysrlf out of that space but the water poured out. I did go for an an amazing dinner at a couple's place in the country. First time in years. I managed ok until I got really tired and then luckily another couple was leaving and drove me home. Its so hard when ppl you love just don't want you. I get told let go blah blah. They're the children I carried and gave birth to. The ppl I designed my life around doing all to give them a better life than I had. Sorry but just letting go I can't do and it never gets easier. Tomorrow is actual Family Day. I pray I sleep tonight to get thru tomorrow. I will not add any more drugs to the mix just to sleep. I get by ok not doing. I don't work and it's just me so if I'm wiped I'm wiped. Its taken all I have to get off this much and all the surgery/infection drugs. I'm not going to prolong it more. I hate these drugs with a passion I've never felt for anything. Not just for what they've done to me and those once mine but to others I've come to care about so much. Well...I'm really tired. Good for you Sara getting on that bz. I'll have the rest of mine to do after the amitrip. Hang tight Sara. I'll keep u in prayer tonight. ????

[Sunset304]

Just really messed up in my head today.  Eyes overflowing with tears at the ready always.  Trying to feel some enthusiasm or good about anything and not doing very well.  Started unpacking some stuff I've not looked at since I left my ex in 2010.  Boy am I low.  I'm leaving unpacking or deciding what to do with stuff for another day.  Again sleep was awful.  I can barely believe finding myself in the place at the age of 60.  yes....... negative thoughts mostly.  So tired and so sad.

[brassmonkey]

(((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

[Sunset304]

Thank you Brass!  Mood somewhat improved as normally does over the passage of a day.  Not sure if its the cortisol lowering anxiety or just the thought of the day being almost done  I still have fallout I guess from Family Day........ Its so strange.  In the evenings, I get all creative and more into doing some guitar practice (just when upstairs neighbors are sleeping.......... uh yup..... they're not all that communicative so I'm not sure how they actually feel about that.  Hoping with all I have this stupid hernia doesn't put me in hosp as a cple nights ago I almost called an ambulance.  I'd sure like to be more stable when that great event takes place (heavy sarcasm).  I'm guardedly still making inroads to this community.  Not having a car, I'm dependent on cabs but they have a program where they give out tokens to put toward fare worth $4.  Fare is usually about $10.  One day at a time.........Doing some creative writing to deal with emotions as well.......... scattered everywhere lol!  Hope you are well......... relatively 

[Sunset304]

One comment and one only.............THIS SUX! 

[Sunset304]

That fear that plants you in one place with a grip as tight as vice.  Nameless fears.........paranoia? I can feel it as if courses through my veins blocking any other thoughts that might take it away.  Nothing.  Not music.  Not videos.  Not housework although I do that just to keep the crawling skin away.  Add depression when one is trying to do the best by one's body that NEEDS exercise (scarring on spine and mobility threatened).  No appetite but diet monitoring is essential.  Forgetting all that's been learned about dietary concerns such as low glutamate or low histamine.  A ruddy 3% cut rate and crap!  The return of memories numbed.  Nightmares about my kids.  They're reminding me of things in my life of shame so that I know clearly they think I'm a total loser as a mom.  Plans made to be canceled.  The slightest pressure feels like a job interview.  Scared, frustrated, sad, a glimpse of of peace and joy, then back to the garbage.  I'm trying to use the spreadsheet for weights with the amitriptyline but its not making sense.  The pills are 10mg each and I have 10 total so that's 100mg.  I take out 2 tabs which leaves 80mg.  I then use a pill cutter and cut one of the 8 leaving a little tiny piece and yet the weight according to scale says I'm at 77. mg.  How can that be?  I've weighed any number of them (different to get an average as best as possible).  I'm a total ignoramous in Math.  Mental block.  Always have had but ?????????? When I was eyeballing my cut I guestimated that I was at 73mg as stated in my signature and it sure looks closer to that?  Tonight I'm going to weigh each pill individually.  It helps to talk this out even if its talking to myself to find answers.  I've always been this way.  At work I'd walk into my bosses office with a question and open my mouth with the first word and find my answer.  I'll come back and tell myself what my result is.  Bye self. 

[AliG]

Hi Sunset.    I'm sorry for what you're going through, right now.  It sounds like the windows & waves pattern of healing.  Try to  remind yourself , that it's temporary and will pass . You are not alone.

I would weigh your pills to get an exact amount . Here are some links :

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1596-using-a-digital-scale-to-measure-doses/

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1099-tips-for-tapering-off-amitriptyline/

You will get through this.

Hugs.

Ali

[Sunset304]

Hi Ali. I do weigh them but right after that post I got distracted. When I can think again I'll weigh each individually because something isn't adding up but the amount now since first calculating awhile ago has been consistent. I just finished reading a Beyond Meds piece on "if I had remained med compliant". That cud have bern written about me. I too had metabolic disorders along with many other syndrome dxs. So as I lie here in near panic I'm hanging on to that. I usually have very strong faith. Can't even find my way there. Depression is so heavy I don't care if I eat or drink but I'm struggling to anyway. I'm terribly sad and all looks negative. I can't even find my way to gratitude I was going to go sing at an open stage just for fun and now idk if it's that and I'm just scared and shud make myself or really am as sick as I feel. My head is playing mind games with me and not being kind. There's an anger that goes with this and I believe so much of it justified but is it productive and the thoughts go round and round. Maybe I am mentally ill and not worth looking forward to a life after this when I'm done in two years then how the H am I gonna get thru two more years. I've had some really good things happen I don't feel good about at all. Sorry to blab like this and I'll b probably embarrassed after I read this next time but it us what it is right. Oh for some comfort.

[Sunset304]

Thank you Ali. Got all caught up in me. Thank you for your guidance and kind words. Sending hugs right back to you in your trip thru this. Xxx

[Sarabera]

Hi Sunset, hope things are looking up a bit! I had a psych nurse try putting me on clonazepam to taper (.5gm down) and I absolutely hated it! I really don't do well on anything besides the long-acting benzos like valium. SItuation kind of a mess right now for me, but I keep busy, hope yours is better!

Sarah

[Sunset304]

Hi Saraber a. ... I am holding on my clonazepam taper. I'm tapering amitriptyline. I was on 12mg clonazepam and at 1.325 I think now. I personally won't take another drug to do this. I was polypharmacied so I've been at this for almost 5 years and I'm weary. Clonazepam is fairly long acting. I hope you'll look at that regarding more drugs to taper. Not for me to say as to what you choose and I mean no judgment at all. I just won't add to this hell. I came on here cuz I at the end of my rope. I truly am. Not suicidal but panicky...paranoid...just want to curl into a ball and disappear. I'm really scared. Here I am in the new place I love half out of my head and completely alone. I started a post earlier about how much I hurt not having a soul in my real tangible world that loves and cates about. I've been dealing with this for all this time in wd and done fairly well at being there for myself. I can't seem to overcome this time. Can't get past the fear....lost confidence... I even am afraid of the people who live upstairs. This is true paranoia. Its also if I was worth anything why wud I b this way in my life and not wanting it anymore to have to carry. My son before I moved here was very abusive. I wasn't physically threatened but very much let know I wasn't wanted nor cared about when I was in a dangerous situation asking for help. This is half killing me. How much wd...how much reality and grief severely exaggerated without a place to take it. My usual sense of humor is gone. My world feels like it's closing on on me but at the sane time I don't feel like I have a place .... this is just awful. I want to scream I need help. I need someone to show me they care Am I losing it?????????????

[Fresh]

Hi Sunset , you're not losing it , but it sounds like you're in a bad wave precipitated by

your last cut.

 

This has happened before , and each time it passed ... read over your thread and you'll see.

Your job just now is to hunker down , sit it out , and distract yourself as much as possible.

 

Use CBT / mindfulness when you can: acknowledge that your thoughts are from w/d and they're

just thoughts. Try not to engage in them , it's all catastrophic.

Remember that you're making inroads into a new community , and that takes time. You've really

done very well since you moved.

 

Be gentle with yourself Sunset.

 

bw , Fresh

[Sunset304]

Ya you are sure right.   Its all extreme to the worst.  Thank you for direction and help in getting me to plant my feet down.  I must get back to me being able to do this for myself no matter what.  Each time I've been faced with difficult circumstances I've got through.  I've got things coming at me like my ex attempting to make contact with me and I am just going to put that away and deal with it later or not deal with it.  Ex is for a reason.  I know i"m vulnerable and lonely now so the worst time to attempt to make sense of this.  Yup........... I'm getting myself out of my head for now and will hit the mindfulness and CBT app I actually have on my cell phone that I've sorely been neglecting.  A snowflake would feel like a threat right now.  Have others gone and got thru as many years in just tapering.  I'm questioning my strength and full of apathy.  Bad wave.  Bad wave Sunset.  You can do this.........Thank you so very much Fresh   

[Sunset304]

I am getting lost and submerged in the depression. Feeling useless etc. No desire to get out of bed eat or anything. I know full well that life is pretty much on hold but it's hard. Friends come and move on with their accomplishments taking them forward and in my heart of hearts I love them enough to wish them well yet hate that secretly there's some resentful. This is one tough drug and all I can do is force myself to try and believe it's the wd. A miserable time.

[Sunset304]

K I'm half out of anything I suspect close to reality so consider this just documentation. Going thru success stories to find hope and in Beyond Meds too. Most know their history to a degree of what drugs they were on and what dx they had. Good luck chuck on that one for me. I think I've been on every drug there was switched sometimes weekly. Depression.. anxiety.. bi polar...borderline personality...depression with agitation. ...any other label one cud b attached with over half my life...can't find stories as jumbled as this and coming out ok but then atm I don't make not can I find sense. Call this post my non sensical ramblings.

[Kecanoe]

I wish I could offer you more than support.  Sounds like you are having a rough go of it, and that you are really being tough.  Good for you!  I too am on all kinds of drugs and have been on a whole bunch of others; it's hard to even imagine getting off all of them.  One dose at a time!

[Sunset304]

Well I'm down to the last two anyway.  This July will be five years into this trek.  Its hellish hard right now but taking it day by day and dose by dose as you say.  You look like you have a load and a half yourself.  I'm off for the night.  Finally got myself to eat half decently, took my supplements and I think drank enough water.  God night to you Kecanoe....... Best wishes as well.  It was nice to meet you.  

[Sarabera]

Hi Sunset, sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time. The last month or so has been pretty wild for me! After I met with the psych nurse and she put me on clonazepam, I absolutely hated it. I tried to do a cross-over to Valium, that didn't work well. I was having a lot of nights of zero sleep--very hard to function with that. Finally in desperation I cold-turkeyed everything!! In retrospect, drastic as that sounds, it was the best decision I made all winter. The first week and a half were pretty brutal--felt like I had a bad flu and very tired, but I was sleeping at least 4 hours a night. About 6 days in my stomach became very upset and wouldn't calm down despite all the OTC meds I tried. I ended up reinstating at a very small dose of .5 mg, and began a taper down. Since then, I really haven't had any issues with stomach, sleep is a bit up and down, but I'm getting at least 4 hours and often 7 plus, so I can't complain. All in all, I'm pretty happy with how things have gone since the big jump. I refuse to take any more drugs, not even OTC meds.

 

I wish I knew the best way to go for you--it is hard to know. All I can say is keep up the good fight to get off these drugs! Do all you can to take care of yourself!

Sarah

[Sunset304]

Surgery consult is Apr 26.  While I had thought the surg would be not so major............WRONG.   Turns out with an incisional hernia, they need to insert mesh or a steel place where the muscle tissue is weakened.  Idk if I mentioned before but I have a friend who has helped me int he past with things like the last surgery being the only one there for me.  I'm really ticked.  While it is because of my actions packing, I have this..........why the H can't ppl get you do what you HAVE to do not what you WANT to do when you are alone.  For pete's sake at 60-61..... packing a house worth of stuff by ones self does tend to get a bit "heavy" and there's not much one can do about it and then there's moving furniture.......... place got mice........ had to move everything..  Ach I'm fed up and grouch atm.  Had a really special walk.  Wish I post pics here.  I just say to myself if I'm going to be miserable either physically or whatever, this is at least a beautiful place to be so.  I so missed my country home I was forced to leave and now I've found similar country and similar space for .....what's the word.......brother.......solace, peace, privacy......place to just feel part of the existence of life.  I've found a doc here.  Somewhat patronizing.  Wanted to screen me with various cancer things.  Won't do.  Even if I did get cancer I wouldn't want to know because I'll not go through something like chemo alone.  I just won't.  I had to fight for my life with the first surgery because of medical negligence and incompetence (ya something really new....not) I won't fight for my life again in that way.  If this hernia wasn't dangerous atm I'd not be going for this surgery.  At least not now but I have to.  I'll have zero support but online.  One questions their worth etc with that kind of thing but I can't afford to let my mind go there.  I grieve enough.  Its a beautiful day here.  I'm making soup to have meals prepared once discharged after the surgery and maybe some bone broth.  So choosing to find positives and seek them out while this depression is ever there as a threat.  So I'll quit whining.  Wishes to all for a peaceful sleep or best as can be and just peace overall.

[Sunset304]

I'll b holding for awhile. At least til after surgery. I get told I'm strong striking out and starting life over. I know I'm developing strengths but doing it this way .... not a choice I or I guess any of us wud have made. This is one tough and dangerous drug to get off.

[Sunset304]

I'm confused. Are wd sxs sometimes like the worst side fx of the drug. The way I'm thinking and acting lacks reason and clarity. It's filled with suspicion and misinterpretation.

[Sunset304]

As I ramble on...

[Petunia]

Hi Sunset,

I'm sorry you haven't had a response to your recent posts, it sounds like you're having a rough time, having to manage alone and prepare for you upcoming surgery. I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I hope your consult on the 26th went well.

 

I'm not sure where you are with tapering, I haven't read back through your whole thread, but from your signature it looks like you're holding which is probably a good idea if you are about to have surgery. Once you are recovered from that, then you could think about resuming.

 

You asked if withdrawal symptoms can be like the worst of the drug side effects. The simple answer is yes, but they can also be much worse. There's huge list of potential withdrawal symptoms. Some of them are here:  Dr. Joseph Glenmullen's withdrawal symptom checklist

 

You seem like a very strong person with a good attitude, you will get through this.

 

Petunia.

[Sunset304]

Thank you for answering.  I'm such an emotional mess right now i know better that to get in to it.  Once again....... thank you.

[Sunset304]

Awhile back I made the decision based on good information given to hold on my bz I was cutting. ...K..and start the amitrip taper. Well then life kicked in after moving and then requiring surgery and the depression set in. It got very serious so I contemplated on it and it felt more and more like I was in bz tolerance and needed a cut. Finally I cut on the by 10% and actually despite wd felt better. This cut was over 2 weeks ago. This is more documenting my frustrations to hopefully look back on this one day and just see. I'm trying to balance isolation abandonment loneliness fear of the surgery alone and this damn process. I am not suicidal but I would compare how I feel to once seeing a little native boy in a white people's home dxd with failure to thrive and when I went to hold him his foster parents said how his worker said not to give in to his neediness. For all I know the child died from lack of human love. Now I sure get why I am this alone and while that fosters understanding it doesn't hurt less. In fact more but nevertheless all that remains is this feels like a fight to the death and I'm not all sure I'll make it anymore. Every little thing I have to do seems insurmountable and then I have to hide this despair in order to remain safe in my new place which btw I love and I love the walks when I'm well enough. As I said just documenting. If I make it thru surg and recovery and somehow get past this depression and hopeless feeling and apathy I'll then start on the amitrip again I guess but I don't understand how to do that and cope with what sure feels like bz tolerance BUT if I do the bz first not sure I'll b strong to so the amitrip given how hard it's been to do. I'm thinking going between the two. I really don't know what I'm going to do.

[Sunset304]

Typo...the 10% cut was the bz...klonopin

[brassmonkey]

Hi sunset-- has the surgery been scheduled?  I'm glad the cut in K has helped.  These things are such a crazy balancing act to try and control.

 

((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

[Sunset304]

I go for a cat scan ...speaking? ...June 9 and it will be done shortly after. Thank you for the virtual hug.

[Sunset304]

Tyos sorry...shud b spelling not speaking

[AliG]

Sunset. In case I don't speak to you before, I just wanted to wish you the best of luck. I hope it goes well . I'm glad you love your new place. That must be a joy !  

Hugs,

Ali