bluebalu86

Feeling like a victim

48 posts in this topic

Freespirit, that is a very good point. Some people do better with self-care actions rather than talking to a therapist. Perhaps you have moved on from the need for validation -- having it within, as manymoretodays said -- towards being your own therapist.

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Just another couple of things that came to mind about this thread.  Its normal to feel like a victim and its okay sometimes, but its not good to feel like this all the time . We need balance I have days of optomism and moments of thinking how the good the future will be . Sure I keep coming back to feeling like a victim. It keeps nailing me from time to time .Id say 2 days a week I might even feel like this. But Keep adjusting your focus and look forward to better days we all deserve to give ourselfs a break from this experience. Just give it a try , maybe its only for 5 min a day .. but that will lead to 10 min a day and that will lead to whole days. Another thing to remember is we are not the only people in our circle that feels like this. Parents loved ones and sometimes friends can feel equally as bad as us. I see this in my own life.

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Thank you, Mort. One must definitely keep the sense of "being a victim" in perspective, and not let it define you as a person, or this will impede your progress.

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No prob Alto , When I feel I have something good to contribute Ill definatly note it on here 

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I'm sorry for everything you've been through. I personally find it helpful to identify when I've been a victim of something or someone. I believe that in order to let go of an emotion, I need to fully allow and accept it in my consciousness. My emotions are there for a reason and I need to honour them. Without that they seem to just be supressed which causes all kinds of issues for me. I also find it important to be honest with myself about what I've gone through. I've found that without that honesty I can't make sense of my experiences and move forward. There's so much lack of societal validation, the least we can do is give ourselves some. I'm not sure if my perspective will be something that helps you move forward, but I hope you find whatever you need. You deserve the best from life after what you've been through. :wub:

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I use to feel like a victim always wondering why me am I being punished etc

 

I always seem to get the sh*tty end of the stick for no apparent reason but then I thought if what I have went through can help make a difference in 1 persons life then its all been worth it.

 

I don't know why bad things happen to good people but do believe how react determines who we are

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Hi Blubalu,

 

I think that sometimes on this site we all get so wrapped up in the process of trying to get off harmful meds, that we forget the original issues that brought us to consult doctors and psychiatrists in the first place. You describe your issues Blubalu, and they sound very difficult to deal with and I'm truly sorry to hear about their impact on you.

 

I think we all acknowledge that the pills can't take away the suffering and that they are no more than a sticking plaster which often goes on to cause us more issues. We're united on here regarding the harm these drugs cause. Maybe though, we need to think more about "people" rather than just "the process" ?

 

People come here for advice and for the accumulated wisdom and knowledge that they can't find anywhere else, and that is more helpful than I can state. However, many people need more than practical advice. They need understanding and support and yes, no judgement. When it all gets too much and they hit a crisis point and reach out they need to know that there is empathy.

 

I've got through the emotional turmoil part of withdrawal and I can't tell you how pleased I am to see the back of it. I remember the heightened emotions, the intense anxiety, feeling out of control emotionally and frankly frenzied at times. In this state it's hard to be practical, sensible and strong.

 

I think its actually very good that you have brought this topic up and that we can all reflect on how empathy, rather than advice, can be beneficial at times, and to remind us that although we might disagree with the medicalization and drugging of human distress, distress still exists and often undermines and contributes to the problems we encounter in withdrawal.

 

I'm sorry you feel judged and I feel a little guilty myself. That's actually why I returned to this thread after my initial comment. I realised that by sounding strong and giving advice rather than empathy I was selling you short. When I first had my cardiac issues I remember having "brave children who battle cancer and run marathons" quoted at me. If I'm honest it made me feel inadequate and invalidated. What I wanted and needed at the time was someone to acknowledge the hurt, not tell me that others coped better with it than I did. All it achieved was to make me feel worse! I apologise if anything I've said has made you feel that way. We all sink and feel weak and unable to cope at times....and it's normal and OK to feel that way. By giving you the message that you should be strong too, perhaps I'm trying to persuade the vulnerable part of myself that it needs to stay buried and denied ....and that's not helpful for you is it?

 

Maybe it would be better to acknowledge that we all feel like you at times, and that we need this site for understanding, peer support, empathy and encouragement as well as practical advice.

 

You will get through this Bluebalu and when you do you you can go on to tackle the underlying issues differently....but we don't expect you to be strong all the time and sail through this unscathed. You're a normal, vulnerable human being like the rest of us. What you're going through is hard and you're justified to feel the way you do and to ask for support when you feel low.

 

Keep speaking out. You need to. xxx

I want to thank you for leaving this message for my friend, Blue.  Her name was Alisa.  She needed compassion and understanding and what you said here was beautifully stated.  Sometimes we forget how damn hard it is when the darkness covers your very soul.  You can't seen anything but blackness, despair and hopelessness.  Some make it out alive.  Others, like our beautiful Blue, aren't so lucky.  May her soul rest in peace, love and light.

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Hi. I used to feel like a victim too. But then i took my on faith in my hands and realised i was the only one who was responsible for my own life. It may sound hard, but trust me i know. I have a braindamage damage and im am still living a mostly good life. Trust me, it is possible, you just have to let go off how it is supposed to be. Dosent mean you have to let go off your old self, remember it and honour it.. And remember, youre not a bad person, som bad things happened to you

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... but i do believe i can say this with a fair degree of universality. at the point where we take the whip that has been lashing across us at the hands of another and begin applying the lashes to ourselves; the moment of urgent introspection has arrived. we absolutely owe it to ourselves to cease the perpetuation of inflicting the suffering we have endured. we must find a way to set down the whip, deal with the echoes and reverberations of its former cracking, and move forward as our varying states allow. we must afford ourselves the love, time, and compassion to heal while not drowning in the mire we were led into. no easy task. it is why i admire each of us...

 

I

 

I agree with this point so beautifully expressed. Many of us have been victims, genuinely abused when we were in no position to be able to protect ourselves from being harmed. This needs to be recognized, heard and validated, if not by someone else, then by ourselves. We are owed validation, its the first step towards healing.

 

But if our lives are going to improve we have to find a safe way to escape from the ongoing abuse, reverse any patterns of self victimization take control of our own lives and redefine ourselves as no longer a victim. This is usually a very difficult task which takes courage, time and the help and support of others. Not everyone has the resources or help available to them, we can all only do the best we can within the confines of our own circumstances.

 

For me, that same thing has been repeated through therapy. Therapists actually took out the whip in moments where what was needed was compassion. But through practices and learning to deeply care for myself, that is slowly beginning to heal.

 

Me too freespirit, I've also been re-victimized in therapy, but at the time, I was so used to blaming myself for every wrong and harm in the world, I took it on board and didn't recognize it for what it was. But I think part of learning how to step out of the victim role we have been cast in, is learning how to connect with and honor our inner sense that something is harming us and then being able to walk away or say no, to seek more appropriate, nurturing support. Like you wrote... by 'listening to that still, small voice'. Of course it may take some practice to start hearing that little voice if through most of life its been drowned out by the voices of others.

 

I haven't yet ventured back into therapy since casting off my victim status, but if and when I do, I'm going to enjoy practicing my new powers of deciding what is and isn't

 

I wish you well, should you decide to return to therapy...for me, that is simply no longer an option.

 

In the same week that I began doing qi gong, I made a promise to myself that I would never go back to therapy. Perhaps my sleeping through the night again after nearly 30 years since beginning therapy was just as much from that decision as it was from doing qi gong. It reminds me of the sense of internal safety that began when I made a permanent break from my family.

 

In my case, it wasn't just a situation of bad therapists. I have come to believe that therapy itself is not a good path for me. When I began, I never believed I was broken. I believed I had some difficulties with intimate relationships, which I later came to know was true of every person alive. All those years of focusing on what was wrong, what my problems were, why I couldn't be like other people led me to feel like a victim. I am not alone in that...I saw it quite commonly in my work and several of my friends have also gone through the same thing.

 

For me, therapy is a rather crude tool. I don't do well with anyone poking around in my psyche, however well-intentioned they might be. I have in fact, always had the ability to turn inwards and find ways through the tangles. If anything, therapy messed with that natural inclination. It's only been in the times away from therapy that it's returned in ways that are more beneficial. I feel a deep sense of freedom from not needing another person to find my way.

 

Working through the body, from an energetic model takes away all the notions of good or bad emotions, or even needing to know where that energy came from. I don't have to wait for an appointment, hope the therapist is having a good day, or resurrect something I felt when I actually booked a session. If I wake in the middle of the night, I can breathe and allow the energy to move through..or get up if I need to and do some qi gong or stretching. Things move, minus all the drama and angst that happened for me in therapy. I go on about my night or day, and meet the next thing that arises, when it calls my attention. To me, it's far better teaching someone skills that they can use for themselves. That's why I've always been drawn to things that acknowledge and build on a person's inner knowing.

 

As a child, I turned to music, nature, animals, books, and a deep and rich imagination and inner life. I was physically active and I had community through playing sports. In many respects, I was thriving, in spite of the terrible conditions in which I was raised. Therapy took me away from all those things....I was told repeatedly that my profound need for silence and solitude was unhealthy, that it was wrong for me to want and need to live alone...that the things I did that nourished me were 'distractions' from the "real work". If any one of those therapists I'd seen had once been interested in the gifts of being sensitive, inward oriented, insightful, caring, compassionate, wise etc....that might have been beneficial.

 

I have over time, financed many vacations and homes for therapists...when I couldn't afford those things for myself. If I hadn't entered therapy, I wouldn't have ended up on antidepressants. It was my "therapy failure", more than my childhood wounding, that led me to drugs. Right now, I could be sitting on a beach in Hawaii, sipping a mai tai..or I could be living in the cabin in the woods I've dreamed of for nearly my whole life. I could afford the bike tours I'd like to go on...I could be surrounded with art and music...not because I'm interested in acquiring things, but because these things nourish my soul. I only hope there is still time for me in this life to unravel the crazy beliefs I took on that I was somehow broken. I was never broken. I am who I am, based on causes and conditions.

 

Therapy, like medications, ought to come with certain warnings. People need to make informed choices and consent, which actually rarely happens in either case.

 

the last quote really resonates with me. It felt like therapy destroyed the coping I had used for so long and put in place things that were not helpful to me at all, even harmful.

 

I havent read the entire thread and have much issue navigating on an iphone, but just wanted to say Thankyou. I figured my brain was wrong to think therapy was unhelpful, even though I left each week with the instructions of "take a benzo when you get home" since I was so distressed.

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I would just suggest looking at the reality for what it is.. Far more people have it far worst in life but their attitude is a lot better. They appreciate what they have.

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Lindux, thanks for looking around the forum and replying in topics.  I'm certain that you intended your post to be helpful.

 

Sometimes being reminded that other people have it worse and have positive attitudes does the exact opposite of helping -- it gives us one more thing to be negative about ourselves.  This is more likely to happen when we are already feeling hurt and betrayed, and finding lots of reasons to blame ourselves.

 

Thanks for understanding that hard doses of reality are best saved until someone has experienced our empathy and encouragement.

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"it gives us one more thing to be negative about ourselves"

 

I totally agree with this.  Thanks for the explanation Scally.  It's not something I had consciously thought about before, but it so true.

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