Rachel1963

Rachel1963: Up and down symptoms.

404 posts in this topic

Thank you for your reply. It seems I need reassurance a lot. I hope I'm one of the ones who get rapid improvement soon.

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Totally normal, Rachel, and an unfortunate part of the process.  Over time, you will obsess less and need less reassurance as you continue your recovery.  To the extent you need to know that you are not alone and that others share your pain and support your recovery, this is a very good community within which to gain that reassurance.

 

Best,

 

Andy

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Yeah, I know it's scary.  You are coping with an awful lot with very little support.  I'm sorry this this world isn't offering you the care you need and deserve. 

 

I think it's good you made the list - you are facing things square on, and it also enables you to see where there has been improvement.  One day you'll look back at it and see how far you've come.  

 

As for finding ways to cope, go for little things that offer you some comfort.  A hot bath, a short guided meditation (there's heaps online), a minute of yoga before you head out the door in the morning.  Maybe find a mantra that you can carry in your head/heart/pocket to work with you. 

 

This is one that got me through some really tricky 'out in the world' things when I was in worse w/d than I am now:  I know who I am, I know what I am, I know how I serve.   I would picture myself inside my body, strong and capable and safe, and just repeat those words inside my head.  It gave me the idea that my being okay wasn't dependent on what anybody else in the entire world thought of me.  

 

Anyway, use it if it helps, ignore it if it doesn't.   

Hugs...

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Hi Karen I like your idea. My friend, who was on antidepressants for many years had a neat way of accepting her withdrawal and making peace with her meds and tapering. She kept her pills in a pretty she'll to honour them and she had a little chat before she took one. She said 'you helped me a lot when I needed it but now it is time to say goodbye. She said this helped her to come to terms with withdrawing without resentment and fear. She has been off them now for four years and doing well.

The past couple days I was starting to turn a corner. And then today my symptoms are about a quarter of what they were. I'm just so happy that it's going to work and I'm starting to feel better. The thought of tapering again terrifies me to be honest but when I've stabilised that's exactly what I'm going to do; join the Turtle Taper Team. I was still unsure if my symptoms were menopause related but I have noticed something about these symptoms that is missing from menopause. At the worst of my menopause I was boiling hot all the time and the hot hot flashes were so bad they were the last thing to leave even when I was on these antidepressants and the estrogen. I have cut my estrogen by a third and I'm still fine. So if these symptoms were menopause related where are the hot flashes? They didn't come without the antidepressant; just the sweating and feeling warm like the withdrawal symptoms that lots of people get. They didn't come because it's not menopause symptoms, it's withdrawal.

A tricky thing could be withdrawing from the mirt at the same time as the estrogen because that can't stay forever either.

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I was reading some of your blog Karen and your writing is so eloquent and touching. I hope for you more than anything to get off these meds. And me too. And that we are both okay. I think we will be. I have a feeling

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That's shell, not she'll.

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I think we'll both be okay too - I share your feeling.  To be honest, I don't think I've ever been this happy or hopeful in my life.  Crazy, but maybe it's what happens when you've been in such a hideous state as w/d, and then start to see healing happen. 

 

Go well...

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I think so. You know, I just counted how long I took to do my taper and it adds up to only two months to zero plus two weeks off plus back to 3.5 when I went bonkers and then another six weeks down to zero again. That's just absurd! What was I thinking? No darn wonder I hit the skids after five weeks off! I remember my friend once saying she gave herself at least a year to get off her antidepressant!

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Hi Rachel ,   where are your symptoms at at the moment?

 

Did you go back to 15mg?    Please can you update your sig.

 

Best wishes ,  Fresh

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These were my symptoms today, about 75 % better than when I wrote the list.

- Inner trembling at 6:30 am for a few seconds.

- A few fears and feelings of dread, mild, at 7:30

- good mood

- slight tightness in chest for a couple of hours

- at noon I had a few seconds of panicky feeling and felt sad

- then okay again for a few hours

- concentration is getting better

- was able to focus at work most of day

- at five felt a little glum and then again at 7:30, but went away in a few minutes

- I was so happy to feel better and know it's working that I started to cry but stopped myself because I haven't had a day for weeks where I haven't cried.

- no prickly skin

 

My signature is updated. I am at 30. My psychiatrist and nurse practitioner were talking hospital unless I started to feel better and went to my usual dose soon and she has called the police before.

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Today I had almost nothing in the way of physical symptoms. I was sad in the morning because of this just basic nasty **** happening to me because I didn't know any better. I researched and found information that talked about short tapers like mine. I am grateful to my higher power that I am lucky and getting better. I will be so ecstatic to cut that first 10% when I have been feeling better for a couple of months. And glad to have found this support group too.

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Today I met with my nurse practitioner who is my primary health care worker. She listened to my symptoms and said they are definitely withdrawal and after a little while she and the doctor she works for will supervise my slow taper at 10% every 4-6 weeks according to how I feel. This doctor supervised my benzo taper several years ago at the rate I needed, so I feel much better. She said in the meantime put this experience behind me and keep on feeling better for awhile.

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Feeling so sad today. All day I have been feeling so sad there is an awful lump in my throat. Some of my symptoms have come back and I just feel so hopeless right now. I guess I am having a wave. I have been at 30 mg for 16 days now and I feel this is a setback. I feel so sad that my life was getting so good and now I did this too fast taper and have ruined everything. I feel like I will never be normal again. Right this minute it is hard to see that I am getting better, even though I know I am. I am so unhappy.

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I've read the thread on reinstatement many times now and I'm afraid when I feel like this that I'm not going to get any better; that I'm going to be one of the ones it doesn't work for. Then I try to be strong and patient like Alto said while waiting for reinstatement to work. That it could take weeks or months and I'm on day 16 at 30 mg and have been having a lot of symptoms lessening and want to feel okay again so badly. I want to be off this stuff so badly and get better. Sometimes I feel like just going to sleep and never waking up. This last month has been so horrendous. I wish so much I tapered as slow as molasses.

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I tend to view symptoms as a sign of healing, rather than a set-back.  Sure, they are horrible to get through, but at least you can tell yourself you are definitely healing.  Sorry it's hard right now for you.  I know when I'm in a wave all the nice things people say to me don't get through too well( :blush:), cause when you're in it, you're in it... 

 

Left foot, right foot, repeat ;)

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Thank you so much Karen...that makes me feel better. I think it was the night shift that caused the flareup. I was soooo tired. And of course I couldn't sleep but for an hour in the daytime. I like the idea of thinking my body is healing when it has a bad spell. That is helpful to me. Hugs, Rachel

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The past three of five days I've had normal days after a 10 day string of bad days. Today is a bad day too. This is the way it started; bad day, then four good days, then every other day was a bad day, then the string of 10 bad days and then a few normal days. I'm wondering if this is normal for reinstatement. I'm at three weeks on the 30 mg dose. Will I just have more and more normal days? Or will I have a good day and a bad day the rest of my life? I'm so worried!

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'Going back to the 5.5mg should help, but once things turn bad it can take a long time to settle them out again. The most important thing is to not panic about what is happening, yes it will feel horrible but it won't hurt you and it will pass in time, and panicking over it will only make things worse. Roll with it as best as you can and go on with your life as best as you can and it will get better. Once things have settled down you can start on a micro taper'

 

I quoted this from another thread. It was so helpful.

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I'm so happy for my three good days! So happy! I hate this bad day. My husband and my mom encourage me to be patient. Bad days take so much out of you. My symptoms are getting better so so slowly but it is there. I was suicidal on my bad days before and now I'm just blue and tired. What happens if there is no stabilisation? Does the person just start tapering anyway? How long do you wait and see? Six months?

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Sometimes during the bad days I feel suicidal to be honest. My hope is sometimes hard to hang onto.

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Karen you're an angel, thank you for the positive things you say.

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I hope everyone isn't angry with me for not waiting to stabilise at 15 mg. I was just so frightened and panicked.

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Hello from another Rachel also waiting to stabilize, and having the same exhausting, frightening bad day/good day pattern. I love the quote you posted from another thread - reading that helps me a lot today. We will get there slowly but surely.

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Hi Rachel! Are you having any improvements? I'm having some, the bad days are not quite as bad but they are still awful and my good days are pretty much normal. I've been seeing 4-6 weeks bantered around a lot and I had a pharmacist tell me that too I've actually only read about one person here say they didn't eventually stabilise. I've heard other people say four or five months, one said six months. So I'm hoping the two Rachel's will be in the faster group! Another pharmacist told me I would have to go to a higher dose! I've noticed improvement over the past five days, that is until today, I started with a few bad days and mostly good ones but at that point my reinstatement was like trying to stop a freight train. I went down until I had ten bad days in a row. Now I think it's all starting to turn back again Does that make sense? The bad days are losing some of their symptoms and are not as harsh and the good days are like my old normal days. Have you felt any changes like that?

By the way it is very nice to meet you and o wish it was under different circumstances!

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Hello Lovely Rachel,

 

No one is angry with you - I bet you every single one of us has panicked at one point or another.  This is a really hard thing in general, and you are obviously in the hardest of the worst times.  You need to pack yourself in cotton-wool, cut yourself some slack, get some loving-kindness going. 

 

The bad days will get less; the good days will increase.  It's hard to remember when you're in it, so write it down in big letters and stick it on your wall.  (That's what I do anyway).  You will be okay.  It would be a rare thing for someone not to stabilise.  Have you read the Windows and Waves thread lately?  It can help you feel more 'normal' with all this. 

 

Hugs from Karen

x

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Thank you Karen! I needed that! I will absolutely put that on my wall! I have read that section several times and found it helpful...thank you for your reply. I hope you are well...hugs, Rachel

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Today was terrible. I woke up with chills and burning skin and my mood was right in the pit. I cried the whole day. I was afraid to be by myself because I was planning ways to kill myself. O reasoned with myself that I don't want to die, I just want to feel better. I went to the hospital and made an appointment with my psychiatrist for tomorrow. I had my wed meeting. Then I sat in emergency because I felt safer there. Then I left and walked and walked for about ten km. Then I called people; my sons, my mom, some of my friends, to tell them the truth about what has been happening and my girlfriends at my meeting. Two of my girlfriends have had similar experiences with antidepressants; it took them over two months to level out. They told me I have to be patient and they were all so kind and welcoming to me to call them morning noon or night. It made me feel a bit more hopeful. I hope tomorrow and Christmas will be good days.

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Hi Rachel,

 

Sorry that you have had such a wretched time, but pleased to hear you worked out ways to get through it.  You are so right, it's just because you want to stop feeling bad.  It's also good that you have a couple of people to call if you need to.  I have too.  Something I read in a book (How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me by Susan Rose Blauner) is:

 

          It's just a feeling and feelings change.

 

CC

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Thank you for the kind words Chessie. I ended up going back to the hospital that night and they kept me in overnight and the doctor increased the Remeron to 45. I saw my psychiatrist the next morning and he agreed. I am very unhappy about this and I don't understand why it is taking so long for me to feel better except that my withdrawal symptoms were atrocious! Anyhow, here I am and will be so happy to taper when I am better. If no one minds I would like to keep a little diary here of how I am doing. I have had three good days since the up dose and two bad days. On the good days I have NO symptoms! Hallelujah for that. This is my second bad day and I was a little antsy and foggy and shaky for about an hour and a half but instead of feeling so so sad and despairing I just feel a bit grumpy. The shaky stuff has gone now and the big lump in my chest that was there before is not there. I didn't get any inner shakes today. I didn't feel suicidal.

I didn't get any prickles or stinging on my legs today and no inner shakiness. I haven't cried yet either so that is definately a good sign. I would prefer to have no bad days but hopefully in time.

So now I have been five weeks since taking substantial doses and my symptoms are finally going away! I feel that I have been through hell this past little while and I still feel frightened. I feel traumatised too.

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I remember years ago on a too fast benzo taper having to updose from 7 mg to 15 mg to stabilise. I went on to taper very slow and came off no problem.

I also remember taking Luvox for a year after a bad depressive episode and then slowly cutting back over the next three years and coming off no problem. I didn't know I was tapering. I was just thinking I needed less and less of it. Now I realise I did a perfect taper. And I can do it again.

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I have decided to stay at this dosage for two months no matter what happens. Whether I get better or not. At that point I might taper if I'm not better, or if I'm much better, I might wait again. That will be February 29, 2015.

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Last night I had a bad reaction to something. I called my doctor this morning and she saw me and she said you can't live like this. So she wants to do a bridge from mirtazapine, obviously at five weeks back on its not working to cipralex.

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A week ago I started a switch from Mirtazapine to Ciprexa. I finished after a week. I had tapered Mirtazapine too quickly and went back on it for five weeks but it didn't work. I spiralled into a severe depression. I finished the mirt two days ago and didn't seem to have any withdrawal and my mood was starting to get better. After the second day of Ciprexa I got severe side effects and last night on day 7 I was awakened at 3 am with severe burning on my arms, legs and head and felt like a knife was stabbing my head. I had severe chills and shakes and still have them and the burning skin. I had awful hot flashes as well. I feel frightened and I don't know what to do! I don't want to take the cipralex again but I'm afraid my mirtazapine withdrawals will start again! Please help!

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I think I am in big trouble. I think I may just have to go through the withdrawals. I don't know if I will make it though.

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Hi Rachel.. this question is related to your own personal journey and belongs in your intro topic. You will get more comprehensive responses there as those who respond will be able to take your particulars into account. You will also spare the mods the task of moving your questions to that forum.  You can put a link to your intro topic in your sig line so you can easily locate it in future.

 

Thanks for understanding.

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Oh Rachel I'm so sorry. I think a moderator is going to move this post to your main thread, so that people can see it along with your whole story. I don't know if what you are experiencing is mirtazapine withdrawal, an adverse reaction to the new drug, or both. But whatever it is, I would imagine your best bet would be to stop the new drug and go back to mirtazapine. After all, you were having some good days at least. It can take a long long time to stabilize after reinstatement, and it seemed like you were on your way. We'll see what others have to say. But whatever you do, you ARE going to make it through this. Just hold on, take it one moment at a time, and keep us updated. Thinking of you and praying you get some relief.

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