PatriciaVP: #TweetingMyRecovery 140 Characters is all I got

[PatriciaVP]

I know it's been awhile. Not much has changed, and I guess I just get tired of writing the same thing over and over. I'm still experiencing anxiety, cog fog and other withdrawal symptoms although they have diminished considerably over the last couple of months. Something exciting happened today, though, that I wanted to share.

 

Going to the store on my own is still pretty overwhelming, but I was finally able to force myself there this morning. After actually remembering to get everything on my small list (which was a triumph in itself), I went to pay and realized my daughter still had my debit card. Now, if I were still on all the drugs, or even just a year into withdrawal, this would have thrown me into a total panic.It would have been all I could do to hold off on dissolving into a screaming, crying mess until I got outside. This time I didn't even have the urge to do that. They told me they could hold it for me, and I told them it could be an hour or more. They said that was fine, and I went out to the car to figure it out still calm as could be.

 

My daughter was at work over an hour away so getting the card from her wasn't going to happen. I called my husband to see if I could borrow his card: no answer Waited a bit, tried again. Still no answer. Started to get a little concerned, but unbelievably no panic! What in the world?!!

 

As I sat there staring at my phone, I realized I had Google Pay. The answer was right there in my hand! I was so excited. Not only had I remained calm, I came up with a solution.

 

When I went back in the store, I was positively beaming. "I can pay with my phone!" I said to whoever would listen. I think I scared some people. After I paid and left, I was high as a kite. I haven't felt that good in so long.

 

It's times like these that tapering off the drugs and all the struggles it can bring feels so worth it. The glimpse of my true calm, clear self was such a gift and gives me so much to look forward to.

[brassmonkey]

I'm impressed Pat, very well done.  Looks like we need to raise the level of your WDnormal quit a bit.

 

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))

 

Brass

[Blondiee1915]

Hi Patricia,

 

How are you doing? 

[jozeff]

Hello Patricia,

 

Just bumped into your story!

 

I'd like to know how you are doing also.

 

Hope everything is very good.

Cheers

 

 

Jozeff

[JackieDecides]

On 5/21/2018 at 11:58 AM, PatriciaVP said:

It's times like these that tapering off the drugs and all the struggles it can bring feels so worth it. The glimpse of my true calm, clear self was such a gift and gives me so much to look forward to.

 

I haven't read but the last page of your thread, @PatriciaVP but I am so pleased to find how well things were going as of last year.  

I bumped into your in the meditation thread I've been reading and was curious to see your story.

 

I hope things have continued to go well? 

[PatriciaVP]

I know it's been a while since I've been here. I continue to creep down little by little, always suprised by the impact of such tiny drops. It can make me almost high for a little while and then almost incapacitate me, but the long term trend is always toward health, peace and clarity.

 

Planning is still hard. Day to day feels more stable, but long term is foggy. I wonder part of my problem waiting too long between drops and forgetting how each affected me. I've been doing 1/4 mg and waiting several months because it feels so disruptive,  but maybe if I did 1/10 each month.

 

One reason why I haven't been on a much is because I've been working on my own website and I've finally taken it live. Www.psychfree.net recounts my early experiences  with my mother's struggles with a diagnosis of schizophrenia and the harmful chemicals used to treat it and goes through my present day status being label free, but still recovering the harm done by the drugs. If you get a chance, please take a look at it. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. 

[Gridley]

2 hours ago, PatriciaVP said:

If you get a chance, please take a look at it.

 

Great website and writing!  And nice mention of SA. Congratulations on getting so low on the Lexapro.  Go as slowly as you need.

[Happy2Heal]

5 hours ago, PatriciaVP said:

One reason why I haven't been on a much is because I've been working on my own website and I've finally taken it live. Www.psychfree.net recounts my early experiences  with my mother's struggles with a diagnosis of schizophrenia and the harmful chemicals used to treat it and goes through my present day status being label free, but still recovering the harm done by the drugs. If you get a chance, please take a look at it. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. 

 

So glad to hear from you Patricia!! I think of you often and am embarrassed that I lost touch. You were such a HUGE and vital help to me during the worst of my WD. You are incredibly kind.  I admit, I reached a point where I wanted to put that worst year behind me and have avoided places, things and indeed, even people, who remind me of it. I am very sorry I never reached out to you on your mother's passing. And very sorry for your loss.

 

I love your website, it's fantastic! Very well thought out and clearly written. How you find the ability to think so clearly and write so well while going thru WD is beyond me.  

 

While I knew some of your life history, having read the full story on your site, I am in awe of your strength and endurance. You are an incredible woman who has managed to make the very best of some extremely difficult circumstances and most amazing to me, you are so humble and so kind and so non-judgemental and not the least bit bitter.

 

I'm in a much better place now myself and if you can forgive me for dropping out of contact, and would like to re-connect, pm me and I can give you my new contact info. Or if you'd rather not, that's ok as well. whatever is best for you. again, my apologies. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[JackieDecides]

20 hours ago, PatriciaVP said:

One reason why I haven't been on a much is because I've been working on my own website and I've finally taken it live. Www.psychfree.net recounts my early experiences  with my mother's struggles with a diagnosis of schizophrenia and the harmful chemicals used to treat it and goes through my present day status being label free, but still recovering the harm done by the drugs. If you get a chance, please take a look at it. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. 

 

it's wonderful! you write so clearly, I have to ask, does it take a long time to do this? or maybe sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't? 

 

I so want to be able to write clearly again: you are giving me hope, thank you! 

[PatriciaVP]

1 hour ago, JackieDecides said:

 

it's wonderful! you write so clearly, I have to ask, does it take a long time to do this? or maybe sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't? 

 

I so want to be able to write clearly again: you are giving me hope, thank you! 

You know it's weird. Often when I'm writing it feels forced and like it doesn't make any sense, but I'll come back to it a couple of days later and go " Hey, that's not bad ". I've actually done some of my best work when I felt awful. I think the trick was not to worry about how good it was at the time, but just let it go. The act of writing itself has been very healing for me.

 

I would encourage you just start writing. Look at it as a healing tool rather than trying to accomplish anything. You might surprise yourself. 

[JackieDecides]

1 hour ago, PatriciaVP said:

I would encourage you just start writing. Look at it as a healing tool rather than trying to accomplish anything. You might surprise yourself. 

 

I have been forced to, due to job hunting. it's much easier than it used to be, that's for sure. I remember last summer struggling to write a simple post here or an email!

 

this morning I was having a hard time with tech issues: trying to create a new email address took me around in circles and asking for help and generally using up about 2 hours of my day. once I got to the actually writing of a new resume it was a relief! 

 

I think writing here over the last year has helped and sometimes writing to address other people's issues rather than my own has been particularly useful. (I can't always do it as sometimes I am just too needy to write about anything but me, me, me)

Edited May 24, 2019 by JackieDecides
clarity

[PatriciaVP]

Psychiatry- pathologizing the human experience. 

[PatriciaVP]

SKIPPING A DOSE 

I titled this so I could come back to find it should this happen again. 

 

I was away from home Thursday night and forgot my escitalopram.  I woke up the next day feeling a little better than usual. Went back to 5 1/4 mg the next night. Had planned to reduce dose by 1/4 mg last night and did so. Last time I had made that reduction I  had felt so much better 2 weeks after and the intense w/d had only lasted a week after that. Really wanted to try it again.

 

This morning woke up feeling agitated and anxious.  At the gym was extremely dizzy. This must have been because I missed my dose Thursday.  The other would not have hit so fast. Took 4 days to feel. Wanted to remember that in case it happened again. 

[PatriciaVP]

I've been trying to figure out how to best to return to work. I've been living off social security and my husband for over twelve years now and we're always barely scraping by. I want to contribute more and I feel like with my intellect and abilities I should be able to.

 

Then there's the withdrawal. While far less intense and debilitating than it one was cog fog and fatigue are still majorly unpredictable factors. I was thinking of some kind of simple customer service job a a store might not be too mentally taxing and it would guarantee at least a small amount of extra money. The problem with that is I'm afraid it would use up  what little energy I do have making it impossible to keep up with my new blog and support my husband. He has a disability that requires assistance with almost all of his activities.

 

So then I thought about supplementing my income somehow with the blog. I'm not talking about making it some huge income generating behemoth. (Not like the subject matter would lend itself to that anyway.) I could put a donate button on the site and become an Amazon Affiliate since I'm suggesting books to read anyway. I just want to know how to share what  I've learned, help other people, help my husband make ends meet and not exhaust myself in the process.

[PatriciaVP]

I had a hysterectomy in April, but had them leave my ovaries to avoid early menopause. After recovery all was well, better than usual until last month. 

 

Around the time I usually had my period I was nauseous, extremely irritable and anxious. I think even more than before. I'm hoping this is temporary- just my body getting used to a new way of being. 

 

I started feeling nauseous on Tuesday and I want to keep better track of it this time so I know how long it will last. If it is going to last for awhile I can plan for it and handle it better. 

[CoolheadLuke]

On 7/25/2019 at 2:03 PM, PatriciaVP said:

I started feeling nauseous on Tuesday and I want to keep better track of it this time so I know how long it will last. If it is going to last for awhile I can plan for it and handle it better. 

 

I use a phone app called MySymptoms - looks like it's $2.99 for the apple version (which I have) and $4.49 for the android version.  I like it because you can add custom symptoms to track, as well as diet and a bunch of other things.  I'm not sure how long it stores the data, but you can export your "diary' to yourself via email to back it up.

 

Hope the nausea is improving - that's such a miserable symptom!

[PatriciaVP]

Thanks @CoolheadLuke. I'll give it a try. 😀

[PatriciaVP]

I feel awful today. Sick to my stomach and so irritable. Everything makes me want to scream and burn the world down. Nausea started six days ago. If that would have been PMS I would be in the middle of my period right now. That means I only have a day or two left. I just wonder if this is going to happen every month. 

[PatriciaVP]

Woke up feeling very agitated. Pins and needles in my forearms. That's been happening every time I'm anxious ever since I had a rash there in June. I went to the gym this morning which relaxed the anxiety, but made me tired. I fell asleep after and woke feeling sick to my stomach. I used to get sick in the afternoon on my 4th day so I'm figuring it's almost over.

[PatriciaVP]

Trying to find information on how often terms like "antidepressant withdrawal" and  alternative approaches to mental health" are searched online. Any idea how to find this out?

[Happy2Heal]

On 7/29/2019 at 2:42 PM, PatriciaVP said:

I feel awful today. Sick to my stomach and so irritable. Everything makes me want to scream and burn the world down. Nausea started six days ago. If that would have been PMS I would be in the middle of my period right now. That means I only have a day or two left. I just wonder if this is going to happen every month. 

so sorry you're feeling this way

 

I hope it passes quickly and I surely hope it's not a monthly thing- I would think not but I don't know anything about hysterectomies

 

 

[PatriciaVP]

Thanks @Happy2Heal I hope you're right.

[PatriciaVP]

Again, it's been far too long since I have been here. In August I went back to work. I am now working 20 hrs a week as an administrative assistant at the New Hampshire Council on Developmental Disabilities. So far it's been going pretty well. It has had it's high stress moments, but this journey toward freedom from psychiatric substances and toward true emotional wellness has given me some amazing tools to deal with things in a way I've never been able to before.  

 

Since I started the job I have decreased my Lexapro by .25mgs to 4.75. This felt like one of  my least disruptive reductions. I'm sure staying busy at work has been a big part of this.

[Cocopuffz17]

12 hours ago, PatriciaVP said:

Again, it's been far too long since I have been here. In August I went back to work. I am now working 20 hrs a week as an administrative assistant at the New Hampshire Council on Developmental Disabilities. So far it's been going pretty well. It has had it's high stress moments, but this journey toward freedom from psychiatric substances and toward true emotional wellness has given me some amazing tools to deal with things in a way I've never been able to before.  

 

Since I started the job I have decreased my Lexapro by .25mgs to 4.75. This felt like one of  my least disruptive reductions. I'm sure staying busy at work has been a big part of this.

That is awesome you are able to work! I know staying busy at work helped me to not think about WD symptoms during the brunt of them. You will continue to recover! All the best 🤗

[Happy2Heal]

On 11/24/2019 at 12:48 PM, PatriciaVP said:

Again, it's been far too long since I have been here. In August I went back to work. I am now working 20 hrs a week as an administrative assistant at the New Hampshire Council on Developmental Disabilities. So far it's been going pretty well. It has had it's high stress moments, but this journey toward freedom from psychiatric substances and toward true emotional wellness has given me some amazing tools to deal with things in a way I've never been able to before.  

 

Since I started the job I have decreased my Lexapro by .25mgs to 4.75. This felt like one of  my least disruptive reductions. I'm sure staying busy at work has been a big part of this.

so good to hear from you Patricia!! 

Wow when you put your mind to something, you really go right for it! congratulations on the new job, I'm sure you're doing a wonderful job. I've  never met a more conscientious person than you. 

And you've decreased your lexapro too, that's impressive

 

I hope things continue to go well for you.

 

[PatriciaVP]

10 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

so good to hear from you Patricia!! 

Wow when you put your mind to something, you really go right for it! congratulations on the new job, I'm sure you're doing a wonderful job. I've  never met a more conscientious person than you. 

And you've decreased your lexapro too, that's impressive

 

I hope things continue to go well for you.

 

Thanks, Happy2Heal! Hearing from you always makes me smile. Your words mean more than you know.

[PatriciaVP]

On 11/25/2019 at 1:03 AM, Cocopuffz17 said:

That is awesome you are able to work! I know staying busy at work helped me to not think about WD symptoms during the brunt of them. You will continue to recover! All the best 🤗

Thanks, Cocopuffz17. All the best to you, too.

[PatriciaVP]

I've been feeling awful for about a week now. It seems to be caused by hormonal fluctuations. It's hard because I'm having a hard time getting to work and even more trouble concentrating when I get there. I hope this passes soon. It feels like it has lasted forever already. It's hard not to let my mind go to dark places.

[PatriciaVP]

I just realized I came down by 3/4 of a mg since September which is way too fast for me. No wonder I've been feeling so awful! It's really kind of a relief to find this obvious explanation. 

[PatriciaVP]

The hormonal influence has passed, and I'm still feeling pretty awful. I now see that it takes at least 3 months to feel the impact of even a tiny decrease. I was doing so well before this. It's crazy that such a small reduction can cause so much trouble. I wonder if I should just stay here indefinitely. The thought of taking this poison for the rest of my life is so discouraging. I want so badly to be free of it. To never know the real me without the medication just feels wrong and sad. I feel so jealous of people who have been able to come off completely and be their authentic selves struggles and all.

 

People need to know this may well be where they end up before they start pouring this garbage into their systems, but most don't care until they do. Then it's too late.

[Cocopuffz17]

You can get there! It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. It does get better. Personally I know I would of not of been able to get off my medication without nutrition changes. 
 

Everyday that passes is one day closer to being healed! 

[Happy2Heal]

13 hours ago, PatriciaVP said:

To never know the real me without the medication just feels wrong and sad. I feel so jealous of people who have been able to come off completely and be their authentic selves struggles and all.

 

 

I'm so sorry your tiny drops set you back so much! You've worked very hard to get where you are. You've reduced your drug load considerably already.

 

I think we are always our authentic selves though. I am not a different person now that I am off the drugs,  I am just more aware of things, my feelings are no longer muted by the drugs. 

but the core of who I am is, for better or worse LOL, the same.

 

 

you're a strong and determined woman with a strong moral compass and it shows in everything you do and say.

the drugs didn't take that away from you.

the small amount of lexapro you're on now may only be muting (or maybe exaggerating) your emotions, maybe making it harder to think, or the like, but I don't think that it is changing who you are as  a person.

 

this is my perspective from the "other side" at least, now being off the lexapro for 2yrs plus.

I actually woke up the other day and thought, oh shoot, I thought I'd be different drug-free, as in, I thought I'd be a "better" person,  but I am still pretty much the person I've always been. What has changed is the way I look at things, my perspective has changed.

I got thru my withdrawal  making impulsive decisions and then regretting them, and I see that's a part of who I am, I tend to be somewhat impulsive. The main thing about being off the lexapro is that I'm now more aware of that, and am able to work on it.

 

so don't worry, you are still yourself! I think you will just be able to see that and feel that more, once the drug is completely out of your system. I don't know. That seems to be what has happened in my case at least.

 

Look at what you've done with your inspiring website! how you've been taking care of yourself and family members throughout this ordeal, how you reached out to others going thru WD and offered and gave much needed support, how you've been able to get a job!! You are an inspiration, and have much to be proud of.  I think this *is* the real you.

 

that said, I understand how discouraging it is to have to go this slowly. You've been at this place in the past, where you weren't sure if you should just stay put at your dose "forever" But you mustered the courage to make another cut.  It's been hard but you've done it. Maybe another long hold is a good idea, I don't know, but if anyone has the determination to get completely off this drug, it's you. 
Try to feel good about how far you've come, ok?

and think about what has already changed for the better.

 

wishing you a smoother more peaceful journey ahead!

[PatriciaVP]

Thanks @Happy2Heal I'm sure you're right. It's already starting to pass. So I  guess the speed at which it is going is, itself a sign of healing. 

[PatriciaVP]

One week ago I went down another .25mg. Doing well for now. Will wait 6 weeks before next taper. Hanging in there and still working during the madness that is this pandemic. I hope everyone else is doing well. 

[PatriciaVP]

.25 mg taper is catching up with me. Been waking up more and more anxious everyday for the past week. Today I was stuck at home waiting for plumber. Doing anything felt impossible. Tried to work out but got so dizzy. Hopefully return to work tomorrow. The routine and activity should help.. Unfortunately the plumber hasn't shown up yet so I hope I can make it to work. 

 

Have to remember that .25 mgs is way too much. 

[PatriciaVP]

Things had started to calm down and even out since my last entry, but I think I must have just hit the three month mark. Whenever I get to three months past a drop especially a drop that is too big, I get hit with an intense wave. I'm sure that's what this is.

 

Current symptoms

1. Internal vibration 

2. Cog fog

3. Suicidal thoughts 

4. Electric shock sensations

5. Loss of appetite 

6. Irritability 

7. Extreme agitation 

8. Low stress tolerance 

9. Early morning waking with cortisol spikes (last week all I wanted to do was sleep. Now rest feels unattainable. )

 

It feels like there's a raging hysteria right under the surface that I'm barely controlling. If I let it even peek out I could be uncontrollably hysterical for days. Functioning at the bare minimum at work is a struggle. My daughter's hamster bit me this morning, and I wanted to scream and cry . If I had let it boil over the day would have been a complete loss.

 

At least after writing this I realize it is part of the pattern and likely unavoidable. That means I didn't cause it, and it has to end. Taking a deep breath and waiting it out is the only thing I can do.

 

Five years into this process and it feels almost as hard as when I began.