PatriciaVP: #TweetingMyRecovery 140 Characters is all I got

[PatriciaVP]

 

 

I am preparing for the eventual "chat" with my PCP about getting a refill of my liquid lexapro and If she refuses I am going to ask her point blank, what harm could it possibly do to you (her) to let me take a low dose. Who does it hurt?

Exactly, WTF! I think a good question for your doctor, after all you've been through lately, would be how can she justify throwing you back into that turmoil again by refusing to write you a script? What happened to the Hippocratic oath - "First, do no harm"? Since it is now painfully obvious that taking you off the medication as quickly as she has is DOING HARM!!!

 

Grrr... I'm growling at her for you. Ruff! Ruff! No pun intended.

[PatriciaVP]

So, I finally got myself to make an appointment with my primary care doctor to see if she would be willing/able to prescribe the Lexapro until I am done tapering off it. I have to get away from this passive/aggressive jerk that's trying to force me to nosedive off the stuff.

 

I'm such a mess as it is. I've been crying at the drop of a hat. Today I heard a piece of music that my father used to play on the piano all the time, and I started to cry like a baby. The man's been dead for over 18 yrs already. I haven't cried over him in years! People noticed I was upset and asked me what was wrong, I tried explaining what was going on with my dr. and started to cry more. What a mess! I hate feeling so out of control.

 

Anyway, the appointment is for Dec. 8. Even though my current pdoc only prescribed enough Lexapro to last for 30 days at 5 mgs a day, I'm going to continue taking 8.1 mgs. I'm in no condition to reduce at this point. According to my figures, it should last OK. Here goes nothing.

[Happy2Heal]

I so hope your appt with the PCP goes well and you get what you need.

 

aww! I can so relate! Last time I CT'ed lexapro, there were a few weeks, or maybe months, I don't remember now- when I was crying about anything and everything. I would be walking to the drug store and start crying spontaneously. So odd the way our brains work in recovery/WD, huh?

I think we all deserve a medal for getting thru this. it's so tough.

 

I'm having a hard time with my vision today, would you mind telling me what dose you started tapering off of, and how long it's taken you to get to where you are now?
I know this may not be helpful but as I'm going thru this, it just soothes my brain a bit to have an idea of others are doing, and how long their tapers are, etc, even if it doesn't apply to me. I gives me a bit of a mental range, I guess.

[PatriciaVP]

 

aww! I can so relate! Last time I CT'ed lexapro, there were a few weeks, or maybe months, I don't remember now- when I was crying about anything and everything. I would be walking to the drug store and start crying spontaneously. So odd the way our brains work in recovery/WD, huh?

I think we all deserve a medal for getting thru this. it's so tough.

 

I'm having a hard time with my vision today, would you mind telling me what dose you started tapering off of, and how long it's taken you to get to where you are now?

I know this may not be helpful but as I'm going thru this, it just soothes my brain a bit to have an idea of others are doing, and how long their tapers are, etc, even if it doesn't apply to me. I gives me a bit of a mental range, I guess.

The scary thing is that I didn't go cold turkey. I haven't even reduced in over three weeks, and I'm STILL a mess. There's no way to know if what I'm experiencing now is a result of going too quickly at the beginning of my taper, tapering off other drugs too quickly, anxiety over the thought of being pushed off the Lex too quickly in the near future or just the unavoidable effects of withdrawal.

 

To answer your question- when I started tapering off the Lex I was at 30 mgs. I had reduced from a high of 40 mg several years earlier. I actually don't remember experiencing any withdrawal at the time, but I was so full of other drugs at the time who knows?

 

I began this latest withdrawal journey in August of 2015 and am now down to, as you know, 8.1. I did have to take breaks in the taper to get off Adderall and Depakote. Both of which became unbearable to continue as I reduced the Lexapro. As many people here have noted, it seems like the lower the dose the more difficult each drop becomes. The beginning of my taper seemed much easier than it was later on or even is now.

 

No idea how much longer I'll be at this. I'd really like to wait a while before reducing again, but if I can't get a doctor to continue on with me, I just might have to go cold turkey. Trying to avoid this at all costs. Going to go as slowly as I can.

[Happy2Heal]

 

The scary thing is that I didn't go cold turkey. I haven't even reduced in over three weeks, and I'm STILL a mess. There's no way to know if what I'm experiencing now is a result of going too quickly at the beginning of my taper, tapering off other drugs too quickly, anxiety over the thought of being pushed off the Lex too quickly in the near future or just the unavoidable effects of withdrawal.

 

To answer your question- when I started tapering off the Lex I was at 30 mgs. I had reduced from a high of 40 mg several years earlier. I actually don't remember experiencing any withdrawal at the time, but I was so full of other drugs at the time who knows?

 

I began this latest withdrawal journey in August of 2015 and am now down to, as you know, 8.1. I did have to take breaks in the taper to get off Adderall and Depakote. Both of which became unbearable to continue as I reduced the Lexapro. As many people here have noted, it seems like the lower the dose the more difficult each drop becomes. The beginning of my taper seemed much easier than it was later on or even is now.

 

No idea how much longer I'll be at this. I'd really like to wait a while before reducing again, but if I can't get a doctor to continue on with me, I just might have to go cold turkey. Trying to avoid this at all costs. Going to go as slowly as I can.

 

 

Oh I know, I have a massive panic attack when I think that I might have to jump off the dose I'm at now, esp knowing that the lower you go, the harder it is. I know I'd feel worse if I was at 8.1 and was worried I might have to jump off from there.

I will continue my search for a provider who is understanding and share that info with you when/if I find it.

 

While there are some big differences in our journeys (I've never taken adderall, and it's been years and years since I was on depakote) we both started tapering during the same summer, me in June 2015, and you in August 2015

 

You've dropped two additional meds, that's fantastic! well, not the fact that you had to, but it's great you got thru it ok-ish so far.

 

I went too fast, got down to 2.5 by Dec 2015 and stayed there til May 2016, jumping off and not reinstating til the end of Oct.

 

you've been doing a nice safe taper, I admire your patience. I tend to be a bit impulsive, as my tapering history proves

But I am trying to change that!!

 

Yeh, the first part of my taper off the higher doses went surprisingly well. I think the most consistent WD symptom I've had is the trouble with regulating my temp and the insomnia. The insomnia didn't even bother me til the panic/dread set in.

 

Even after I jumped off at 2.5, I was doing ok, I made it thru May, June, July and August with primarily the same symptom, trouble with body temp and insomnia, but I had a bit of a "manic like thing" going on in late July and August and by the end of August I was getting the dread and stuff.

Didn't crash and burn til some time in late Sept I think. I am afraid to read back thru my thread, it sometimes triggers the panic stuff.

(I"m going to C&P some of what i'm writing here over to my own thread to help me keep track of stuff. I am also not very well organized and do not keep good notes)

 

Now, after RI, I am having a few little windows and they are so wonderful that I feel worse when the waves come,

Go figure! I just can't be satisfied I guess LOL

 

It seems like lexapro withdrawal does very similar things to ppl, when their brains are healing and rebuilding all the stuff that was broken by the drug/poison

 

I am hoping that's somewhat true anyway, because I could reassure you that the crying all the time ends pretty quickly.

I have always had a more negative outlook on life than I would like, I don't know why. I Just have a very  hard time being positive

SO the fact that I recall the crying part of recovery/WD as being over with quickly means it probably was.

because I tend to think about and remember things in the worst light, for me to think it went quickly means it probably did.

 

I hope against hope that this will be true for you too.

[PatriciaVP]

Whoa, Catnapt! You did go really fast. Even though I feel really bad for all the suffering you've endured, your story does give one hope that this all is survivable even if not done perfectly. Thanks for that.

[Happy2Heal]

 

Whoa, Catnapt! You did go really fast.

 

 

heh, try telling that to my doc who told me late last Nov or early Dec to "take 2.5mgs for a week, then 2.5mgs every other day for a week, and then none"

 

 

Even though I feel really bad for all the suffering you've endured, your story does give one hope that this all is survivable even if not done perfectly. Thanks for that.

 

you're welcome. 

it does get better. it's slow, painfully slow but so long as things go in a generally positive direction, I can't complain

 

well, OK, I "shouldn't" complain hahaha but knowing me, I probably will off and on at least

 

if I'm complaining, then you know I'm probably feeling better because when things are bad, all I do is pray and try to get thru it.

 

today I"m a whiny lady, so things are ok hahahaha

 

 

[PatriciaVP]

Started my period today which explains, at least in part, the extreme withdrawal symptoms I've been experiencing since last Thursday. Uncontrollable crying, anxiety, akathesia, panic attacks and even suicidal thoughts have been plaguing me for 4 or 5 days now. Now that I've started my period, it seems to have suddenly vanished. I got off the birth control pills that were restricting my period to once every three months because I was concerned that they might be contributing to any underlying depression, but now the monthly PMS is really disconcerting.

 

I eat pretty well - lots of veggies and protein, but I don't seem to be able to stay away from some sugar and caffeine everyday. I don't think I overdo it, but I often panic and think that without a perfect diet I have no hope of complete recovery.

[AliG]

Patricia. I don't think it's all or nothing. If you keep going in the right direction , that is the most you can do right now.    Step by step !

[PatriciaVP]

Thanks AliG! I do have a habit of slipping into an "all or nothing" mindset without even noticing. Just having it pointed out goes a long way to helping me release it.

 

I'm starting to see withdrawal itself as a skill - One that is extremely difficult to master, but once achieved will be my most prized skill ever. Just like any skill it takes time, practice and repeated failures to get the hang of, but I'm getting better at it all the time.

[AliG]

Patricia. This process stretches you to the n'th degree for sure. It is a skill and once mastered can possibly prepare you for almost anything. I think after this , most things in life will perhaps seem relatively easy.   

[PatriciaVP]

AliG - You hit that nail right on the head. Here's to becoming the most skillful people on the planet!

[PatriciaVP]

Just celebrated my four year anniversary with my gym this morning. Even got a t-shirt to mark the occasion. Certainly doesn't seem like it's been 4 years. Puts the whole concept of time in a better perspective. Someday when I'm nearing the end of this journey maybe I'll look back and say, "Sure doesn't feel like it's been that long."

[PatriciaVP]

Sometimes it is so hard to resist the pull of the withdrawal brain into complete dispair. I know that less than 3 weeks ago I was feeling much better, and I know that the intense wave I am in at this moment is stemming from my menstrual cycle. My brain is trying to tell me I have always felt this way and WILL always feel this way. I try to resist the urge to follow it down that dark rabit hole, but it is proving to be a challange.

[PatriciaVP]

I've been struggling with pretty intense withdrawal since late last week. I said on Monday I thought it was due to my menstrual cycle because when I started my period the worst of the akathesia and anxiety seemed to lessen, but I still spent a lot of time on Wednesday and Thursday in tears feeling intensely depressed. I'm sure the holidays aren't helping. This insufferable societal demand to be extra happy this time of year only magnifies withdrawal.

 

I'm trying to learn to just be with the feelings. Not to fight them. Let them be what they are until they pass. Trying not to fear the fear or anxiety or depression. Far easier said then done. It's hard to resist the urge to waste energy wishing them gone or actually trying to make them go away. I'm supposed to go out with my family this afternoon. I want to look forward to it, instead I find myself dreading it just like I do everything else. Will this constant state of dread ever pass? I can learn to "float" with it for now, but how long until I don't have to do that anymore? How long until I actually want to do something again?

[scallywag]

Patricia, I'm sorry to read what you are dealing with right now.  I wish I could answer your question, "How long?" I wish somebody could.

 

Please be gentle with yourself. (((hugs)))

[PatriciaVP]

Thanks, Scallywag. It just helps to know someone is listening.

[Happy2Heal]

 Will this constant state of dread ever pass?

 

Yes it will!

It will.

 

I've been reading a lot of success stories, got a book even and keep finding more and more WD stories with very happy endings. People who, while they weren't thrilled to go thru this hell we call WD, were grateful for what they learned in the process and who now have wonderful, drug free lives that they were afraid to dare to imagine.

Dare to imagine it; in fact, I think it is helping me to do just that.

 

imagine how you want things to be, and not how you fear they will be.

 

You will have spent your time more pleasantly than you would have, imaging the worst, and maybe, just maybe, you may speed along your healing into getting to that place where you want to be 

 

yes, this is easier said than done! but you are a super hero already for all that you've endured, you can do this!!

[PatriciaVP]

Thanks, Cat. Your encouragement means so much. What's the name of the book you mentioned?

[Happy2Heal]

Thanks, Cat. Your encouragement means so much. What's the name of the book you mentioned?

 

Recovery and Renewal by  Baylissa Frederick

[PatriciaVP]

Had a great window this weekend. Went out with my family to get a Christmas tree and go to the movies. I actually felt happy- something I haven't felt in a long time. Wasn't even sure what it was at the time.

Come Monday, I was crumbling into tears again for no apparent reason. I tried to concentrate on being thankful for the great weekend window, and that was very helpful. Using that window to reinforce the belief that healing is happening. That feeling will return again.

[Happy2Heal]

ooh a good window means there are more to come

 

things are getting better, your brain is healing, just as it wants to.

 

yay for our smart brains!! ;-)

[PatriciaVP]

Intense suffering offers an opportunity for immense growth. This weekend I had a great window which quickly crumbled on Monday. In the past, I would have lamented the dive back into withdrawal symptoms, and felt even worse. This time I was able be thankful for the window even though it had passed and use it as evidence for being hopeful.

I am growing.

[AliG]

Wow. You are growing and also amazing ! How did you reach this point of acceptance? It might help others here going through this.

Ali

[PatriciaVP]

Thanks Ali-

You see the tranformative power of suffering in fiction, myth, religion. I'm just finally seeing it play out in my own story.

 

While I have been going through this, I have sought out stories of the redemptive power of suffering. Crazy thing is I've been watching this show called "Arrow" (Yes, the DC comics character). Main character gets marooned on an island for 5 years, endures all sorts of difficulties including torture and comes back a changed person. Actually, a lot of it is kind of shallow, but the basic idea along with the entertaining value has meant something to me.

 

Go figure - life changing wisdom from a comic strip. I guess we see what we want

[Happy2Heal]

Intense suffering offers an opportunity for immense growth. This weekend I had a great window which quickly crumbled on Monday. In the past, I would have lamented the dive back into withdrawal symptoms, and felt even worse. This time I was able be thankful for the window even though it had passed and use it as evidence for being hopeful.

I am growing.

 

that's amazing.

I don't know that I would/will be able to face a future bad wave with this attitude. You inspire me.

[PatriciaVP]

Catnapt,

You have already shown this kind of strengtb and more. You inspire me also.

[Happy2Heal]

thanks Patricia.

some days I don't feel very strong at all.

:/

 

but I guess I am kinda strong, heh

 

who woulda thunk it?
 

[PatriciaVP]

I cut my Lexapro dose back to 7.5 mgs two days ago. Not because I wanted to or felt ready (far from it), but because I'm trying to make the small amount of liquid I have left from my previous psycho med provider last until I can get in to see my PCP a week from tomorrow.

 

So far this reduction has only made me feel sick to my stomach. No extra emotional symptoms. I wasn't feeling that great to begin with in that department. I really wanted to hold through the holidays, and it's hard not to get angry that I'm being forced to reduce right now.

 

When I get to the doctor next week, if I'm not feeling any better I'm thinking of restoring my dose to 8 mgs. I had planned on holding it there anyway until at least Jan anyway. It was just my fear of running out too quickly and being left with none that led me to this reduction.

[Altostrata]

That's too bad, PVP. Can your PCP renew the prescription by phone? Since you're running out?

[PatriciaVP]

That's too bad, PVP. Can your PCP renew the prescription by phone? Since you're running out?

Said she didn't feel comfortable doing that. At this current dose I should have enough until I see her next week, and I actually feel OK for now. I just hate cutting it so close. If I hit the bottom of the bottle before the appointment, I will call again.

 

Thanks, Alto.

[KarenB]

Your doctor didn't feel comfortable?  Wow.  Wonder how comfortable she thinks you are right now...

[PatriciaVP]

My husband commented on the fact that I seem so much better in the mornings. I told him that I wasn't necessarily feeling better, but I was finally getting the hang of accepting and relaxing through the symptoms instead of fighting them and pushing myself.

 

You know I'm starting to feel almost thankful for this experience? Maybe I really AM losing my mind!

[PatriciaVP]

Going to see my PCP on Thursday so I can continue a slow taper with her after my med provider unceremoniously dropped me (see previous posts). Was trying to figure out how to broach this whole topic with her and after reading some posts on here, I think I've got it.

 

I'm going to tell her that I still feel like I "need" the antidepressant and that my pdoc's rush to push me off of it was making me feel very unsafe. I must have the liquid form because I am at such an odd dose, and the liquid ensures accuracy. Yes, I was considering tapering off the med, but for now, I've gone as low as I can and would like to stay here a good while, perhaps indefinitely.

 

What do you think of that? Huh? Huh? So clear, concise and well thought out. How can she say no? Of course, what I tell her and what I actually end up doing may be two totally different things, but I'm getting what I need and that's all that matters.

 

Sometimes I seriously impress myself!

[Frogie]

Going to see my PCP on Thursday so I can continue a slow taper with her after my med provider unceremoniously dropped me (see previous posts). Was trying to figure out how to broach this whole topic with her and after reading some posts on here, I think I've got it.

I'm going to tell her that I still feel like I "need" the antidepressant and that my pdoc's rush to push me off of it was making me feel very unsafe. I must have the liquid form because I am at such an odd dose, and the liquid ensures accuracy. Yes, I was considering tapering off the med, but for now, I've gone as low as I can and would like to stay here a good while, perhaps indefinitely.

What do you think of that? Huh? Huh? So clear, concise and well thought out. How can she say no? Of course, what I tell her and what I actually end up doing may be two totally different things, but I'm getting what I need and that's all that matters.

Sometimes I seriously impress myself!

Very good idea! You are not lying. You need your Lexapro.

 

I will wish you all the luck in the world.

 

Let me know how it goes.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

[PatriciaVP]

Oooh..Oooh! Just thought of something else. If she asks me why I've been tapering so much more slowly than my pdoc recommended, I can tell tell her that last time I made a cut of less than one mgs, it made me very dizzy. Since I already have balance issues because of my cerebral palsy, risking a fall by making myself more dizzy with a bigger drop seemed like a dumb thing to do- especially with winter weather on the way. Don't want to end up back in her office with a broken bone, right? BOOM! Mic drop!