PatriciaVP

PatriciaVP: #TweetingMyRecovery 140 Characters is all I got

339 posts in this topic

Regarding the acceptance etc, each time we have to re-do something, the re-doing helps to 'wire' those paths in our brains.  So having to spend time re-finding how to be accepting etc, is a great opportunity to further hard-wire those understandings!  All is not lost :)

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Thank you, Karen. That's truly a comforting thought.

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I think I'm kind of in the same boat Patricia.  when things are going well, I really believe that WD is over and then when I get symptoms again, I am not at all happy and fight them instead of accepting them.

 

I don't know how I can think that WD is over when I'm not even done tapering off yet LOL but my mind is good at playing all sorts of tricks on me.

 

I don't know about you, but I'm just so tired of this whole thing. :/

 

I sure hope things work out and you get your liquid lexapro, that's a crappy thing for your NP to do. I love the letter you wrote,  it's great. I have a hard time standing up for myself.

 

hang in there, this will all end eventually.

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Hi Patricia, I'm sorry this recent wave is running like a "Dementor" of the Harry Potter world erasing memory of productive and useful techniques.

 

Nice letter - strong, assertive and direct.  Let us know how your appointment with him goes.

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Oh, Catnapt! I know exactly how you feel. As if it is over one day and never-ending the next! I'm getting serious whiplash here!

 

Scallywag- Thanks for the comment on the letter. I must admit feeling a little trepidation about it. I'm down to my last bit of the liquid and I'm hoping he doesn't get REALLY passive aggressive and decide to send me away empty handed. Backing up my threats may be difficult if I'm in cold-turkey withdrawal. Loved the HP reference. It was perfect!

 

So I just sent the letter out. It took all I had to print it, get it ready and mail it. You know that feeling of relief you get when you finally do something you've been dreading for a while? I have no idea what that feels like anymore. I often wonder if I ever will.

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Oh, Catnapt! I know exactly how you feel. As if it is over one day and never-ending the next! I'm getting serious whiplash here!

Scallywag- Thanks for the comment on the letter. I must admit feeling a little trepidation about it. I'm down to my last bit of the liquid and I'm hoping he doesn't get REALLY passive aggressive and decide to send me away empty handed. Backing up my threats may be difficult if I'm in cold-turkey withdrawal. Loved the HP reference. It was perfect!

So I just sent the letter out. It took all I had to print it, get it ready and mail it. You know that feeling of relief you get when you finally do something you've been dreading for a while? I have no idea what that feels like anymore. I often wonder if I ever will.

Hi PatriciaVP:

 

I'm sorry you aren't feeling well.

 

I do have to say you write a great letter. If he was smart, he would give you a refill before you leave.

 

Keep us all informed. Hopefully you will feel better soon. :)

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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"All roads led here."

 

Someone wrote that on the Acceptance thread. So simple, poignant and true. There is no point in lamenting roads not taken because they all would have led here anyway. To this very day on this very couch.

 

Today began as usual. Awake with the rising sun. Anxious with pointless thoughts racing through my head like cars on a track to nowhere. Suddenly I realized it all made sense. After 15 years going through life in semi-slumber my brain has no idea how to be awake without being hyper alert. It has to somehow relearn that.

 

I believe it can, but it won't be easy. Time and acceptance are the only things that can get me there. I will continue to overshoot optimal alertness to the point of near panic every morning and I have to learn to accept that until the day it is no more.

 

Until that day I will continue to grow and learn finding peace moment by moment.

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"All roads led here."

Someone wrote that on the Acceptance thread. So simple, poignant and true. There is no point in lamenting roads not taken because they all would have led here anyway. To this very day on this very couch.

Today began as usual. Awake with the rising sun. Anxious with pointless thoughts racing through my head like cars on a track to nowhere. Suddenly I realized it all made sense. After 15 years going through life in semi-slumber my brain has no idea how to be awake without being hyper alert. It has to somehow relearn that.

I believe it can, but it won't be easy. Time and acceptance are the only things that can get me there. I will continue to overshoot optimal alertness to the point of near panic every morning and I have to learn to accept that until the day it is no more.

Until that day I will continue to grow and learn finding peace moment by moment.

Wow PatriciaVP:

 

That makes total absolute sense.

 

I'm glad you thought of it, because I would have never thought that hard lol...

 

I hope you get to feeling better very soon. :)

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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"All roads led here."

 

Someone wrote that on the Acceptance thread. So simple, poignant and true. There is no point in lamenting roads not taken because they all would have led here anyway. To this very day on this very couch.

 

Today began as usual. Awake with the rising sun. Anxious with pointless thoughts racing through my head like cars on a track to nowhere. Suddenly I realized it all made sense. After 15 years going through life in semi-slumber my brain has no idea how to be awake without being hyper alert. It has to somehow relearn that.

 

I believe it can, but it won't be easy. Time and acceptance are the only things that can get me there. I will continue to overshoot optimal alertness to the point of near panic every morning and I have to learn to accept that until the day it is no more.

 

Until that day I will continue to grow and learn finding peace moment by moment.

 

 

I love the way your think and the way you write.

 

I had a very similar morning and have been trying to figure out how to tame the racing thoughts... never thought to question where they came from, but your theory sounds plausible.

I have been wishing to go back to the place where I was not so aware, never thinking that there could be a middle ground between that drugged unawareness and the hyper awareness I'm dealing with now.

 

I am so impatient for my/our brains to heal and get back on stable, firm ground.

Days like this make it hard to believe it's going to happen but then I have to go back and look at how bad things were just a few short months ago, and realize that healing IS truly "happen'n" and things are truly getting better,

just no where near as quickly as I'd like.

 

Patience is a hard thing to learn :/

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"I had a very similar morning and have been trying to figure out how to tame the racing thoughts... never thought to question where they came from, but your theory sounds plausible.

I have been wishing to go back to the place where I was not so aware, never thinking that there could be a middle ground between that drugged unawareness and the hyper awareness I'm dealing with now."

 

Catnapt- I have also had many days when the numbness of of being overdrugged just seemed so much preferable to the distress of withdrawal. In fact if I thought it was possible to get back there I may have actually tried. Then I have those moments of clarity when it's obvious that in spite of all the pain that I am so much better now than I was then. Hang in on to those moments keep me pressing forward. We ARE healing. We must continue to believe.

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I've felt awful all day. An inner drive coupled with the inability to move are excruciating. Can't eat or get comfortable. I haven't felt very good for weeks, but today is the worst.

 

It all makes sense however. After years of artificially suppressing my brain, I have no reason to believe the process should be anything other than painful, time consuming and nonlinear. I believe that the pain is a sign of regeneration and rebirth.

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I have my pdoc appointment at noon. I've felt terrible the past few days and I'm thinking the prospect of confronting him may be why. It also means this afternoon I should feel some relief so I'm looking forward to that.

 

Went grocery shopping this morning and only forgot 2 things. Last time I forgot half the list so I guess that's improvement.

 

Be back on later for an update on the appointment.

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Good luck Patricia . I typically feel better after going to the doctor . Hopefully it will provide some relief . Is this the dr that prescribes the meds ?

I am in a similar boat with feeling awful the last couple days I am trying to accept it as is and not fight it and just letting time heal me .

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Hi Blondie,

 

Yes, this is the med provider. That's probably why it's got me in such a tizzy. So sorry to hear that you are not feeling well either.

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Just got back from my psoc appointment. Got the passive side of his personality this time. He didn't understand why I would write him such a "mean" letter. He wasn't refusing to see me. He's just short staffed and that is why no return call. I'm actually on of his favorite patients. Blah...blah...blah. I think he was trying to make me feel bad. Nice try.

 

He actually had sent some of my records to my primary care provider. He showed me the fax cover. They had never told me that. Main reason why I'm not buying the whole "But I really am a nice guy" routine is he has treated my husband very poorly in the past.

 

Anyway, he agreed to the 10% taper schedule and is refilling my script at the 7.5 mg level. So I suppose all is well. 

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oh I am sooooooooo relieved to see this!! I have been waiting anxiously to see what he'd do. Good for you for standing up to him, I'm glad he is at least doing what is in your best intrest, in spite of being a butt-head lol

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Just got back from my psoc appointment. Got the passive side of his personality this time. He didn't understand why I would write him such a "mean" letter. He wasn't refusing to see me. He's just short staffed and that is why no return call. I'm actually on of his favorite patients. Blah...blah...blah. I think he was trying to make me feel bad. Nice try.

 

He actually had sent some of my records to my primary care provider. He showed me the fax cover. They had never told me that. Main reason why I'm not buying the whole "But I really am a nice guy" routine is he has treated my husband very poorly in the past.

 

Anyway, he agreed to the 10% taper schedule and is refilling my script at the 7.5 mg level. So I suppose all is well.

 

PatriciaVP:

 

I'm so happy for you!

 

I'm pretty sure if you never wrote that letter he wouldn't have been Mr. Nice Guy.

 

Great news. :)

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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Symptoms are unbearable today. Just want to rip my skin off to relieve the internal pressure, but I can't bear to move. Trying to accept it, but this is awful.

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Minute by minute, it will pass soon.  Roll with it, embrace it and let it flow away. It's your body testing some of the new changes so it can make further adjustments.

 

((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

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Thanks, Brassmonkey.

 

Anxiety, akathesia and cortisol spikes have been so intense today I broke down and took some L-Theanine for some relief. We'll see how that goes.

 

I took the last of my liquid Lexapro last night. I only had about half of my normal dose. I'm sure that's adding to my struggles. There's more on the way. I should have it by today or tomorrow. I'll be OK until it gets here. Just need to be patient and avoid panicking.

 

I can feel the L-Theanine starting to work. Even if it is just a placebo effect, I'm thankful for it.

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Hi Patricia, so sorry you are struggling . This to shall pass . Hopefully you are feeling better already. Remember the good days and just push through . The more we accept the current symptoms as they are the less intense they become . It will be okay . Stay strong

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Hi PatriciaVP:

 

Hopefully you are feeling better. Just remember it does pass.

 

I keep telling myself that everyday lol...

 

Keep your chin up. :)

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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hi Patricia, just stopping by to see how you are doing

 

hope you are feeling a lot better!!

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Been completely without the Lexapro for five days now. Anxiety and rage have been completely ruling my life for the past two days. Can't really function at all. So afraid that the slightest frustration Wil escalate into blinding rage and self harm. I've just remained glued to the couch in fear. Medication better be here today.

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Watch for the triggers and when the anger starts to build change the channel, and keep changing it until you regain control.

 

(((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

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Been completely without the Lexapro for five days now. Anxiety and rage have been completely ruling my life for the past two days. Can't really function at all. So afraid that the slightest frustration Wil escalate into blinding rage and self harm. I've just remained glued to the couch in fear. Medication better be here today.

Hi PatriciaVP:

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you have gone without your Lexapro.

 

Hang in there.

 

I'm thinking of you. :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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So I finally got a liquid Lexapro refill from a local pharmacy and will be taking my first dose in 8 days. Should I take my regular dose of 7.5 mgs or is that now too high since I've been without it for over a week?

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so very glad you finally got it!! but still angry on your behalf that it took so long and you had to go thru all time with severe symptoms

I can't answer your question but am curious as to the answer myself. Me, personally, I'd think there's a chance you might be able to take this opportunity to reinstate a tiny bit lower dose, but I don't have the experience of the mods to know if that's a good idea.

 

I know it's what I'd want to do.

 

hope you feel better really soon!!

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I might try 5mg, PVP. If it does the trick, then good. If not, inch it up to 7mg or 7.5mg if need be.

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Restarted the Lexapro last night at 7 mgs - .5 lower. Figured that since I had already gone so long without it, my brain had probably made some adjustments. It made sense then to lower the dose.

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Sorry Alto. I didn't see your post until after I restarted. I wonder if I can do the 5 mgs tonight.

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Yes, you can take the 5 mg tonight. You've only had one dose, it takes about 4-5 to reach steady state (the same daily range of serum concentration).

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Hi PatriciaVP:

 

Just stopping by to see how you're doing.

 

I'm sure much better since you got your Lexapro. :)

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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Woke up at 4:30 as usual this morning. Decided just to get up instead of fighting the alert state until 6:30 like I usually do. Figured it was better than exhausting myself in bed for two more hours consumed with ruminations and racing thoughts. Fed the animals, walked the dog took a shower and meditated all before I would normally get up.

 

It did feel less stressful than trying to will myself back to sleep for two hours, but now everything feels off. I'm very tired and I have all this empty time I don't know how to fill. As if the typical morning anxiety and stress was just put off until now. I'm going to take a nap and see if that helps.

 

BTW, Thanks for the response, Scallywag. I didn't see it until today so I am sticking with the 7 mgs for now.

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I hope you can nap! I'm having days like yours (except with almost no sleep after updosing, boy do I feel dumb now)

I know how hard it is to fill that extra time.

If I find anything that helps with the anxiety and hyper alertness I"ll let you know.
so far I've only tried doing body scans and trying to stay connected to my body more with very temporary results.

 

I don't know if this is a factor for you, but I find this odd weather very disorienting. My brain is telling me that when the sun still goes down before 6, the temps should not be in the 60s, not here, at least. and there's no snow cover here, either, very unusual.

 

 

hang in there, you've been thru a rough time with not getting your meds for all those days, will probably take some time for things to settle down. :/

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I'm exhausted but I can't rest. I'm restless, but I can't move. My brain just won't shut up. Going over and over the most useless things. I'm agitated, anxious, sick to my stomach. For the past two weeks, I've just been getting worse and worse, and now I can't remember feeling this bad.

 

I read somewhere that the worst waves often precede the greatest leaps forward. All this pain is simply a harbinger of healing. More healing than I have yet to experience. I am choosing to believe this is so. I am determined to let it run it's course as the anticipation of new birth strengths me through it.

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