Julz82: Polydrugged wants herself back!

[JanCarol]

Hey Julz - 

 

I notice that your signature does not include your current doses of "all that other stuff."

 

I know you are focusing on the benzo, but I just had to re-read everything to understand that you are still on Escitalopram, venlafaxine, and diazapam, too.  Please list your dosages in your signature (I know, it's hard, something about 15 lines - you may need to redesign, and I'm sorry for the hassle).

 

I am so soo sorry to hear that you are still struggling with the #@*$ fatigue.

 

I wish I had that miraculous insight.  I can only share how I have been tackling fatigue (and it's not pretty, because I am NOT in withdrawal and haven't been for nearly 20 years - my withdrawal was during the "med changes" and "dose bouncing" early in my diagnosis that caused me to "flip" into "bipolar") So please take my story with a grain of salt.

 

In my drugged time, I lost my ovaries and thyroid.  I maybe could have saved both of them, but was so flat from the drugs I just went where the doctors pushed.  They removed my stuff.  Now my adrenals are severely overworked.  You can look at "adrenal fatigue" but it is actually more rare than the pop-docs want to have it.  You may also consider getting your thyroid checked, but please look here - for more information about just what constitutes a good thyroid workup:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1593-thyroid-symptoms/  Most doctors just test TSH (which is really a pituitary hormone) without looking at the full profile.  This is cursory, at best.

 

I work very hard to challenge my fatigue.  Of course, when my body says "quit" and "rest" I do just that.  I also have lots of self care - acupuncture, massage, girlfriend time, tai chi, yoga, magnesium baths.

 

But every day I take a 10 minute walk.  Right now I'm in transition because that is becoming a 20 minute thing.  The last 10 minutes, hubby and I trade 3 x 12 second sprints.  By pushing myself to work harder, I'm hoping to address the horrible metabolic syndrome I have from years of fatigue.

 

I AM STILL TIRED, but I believe that slowly, gradually, I am building up stamina.

 

I believe that these drugs are exceedingly hard on our endocrine system.  I had a discussion with my doctor-friend (my best friend in Indiana is a doctor) about adrenal fatigue (she has chronic Lyme symptoms, but no Lyme antibodies), and we talked about glandulars.  You see DHEA is an illegal supplement here - probably because of athletes (it could be considered "performance enhancing," and if Australia is serious about anything, it would be sport!) and my doctor put me on nutritional de-hormonized adrenal glandulars.  THESE were horribly expensive and had to be imported from New Zealand.  Blah blah.

 

So I got the idea to take bovine adrenal glandulars from iHerb and other vitamin companies.  There would be tiny amounts of DHEA in there, as well as other proto-hormones.  I also take pregnanolone, a precursor to DHEA (took it for a year before I added the glandulars).  Since then, I cannot imagine my life without the glandulars - adrenal, kidney, liver.  I also eat chicken livers as often as I can (without getting disgusted - that is about a pound a month).  My doctor-friend said, "I used to think that glandulars were over the top and ridiculous," but she, too said, "Now I cannot imagine how I could live without them."

 

PLEASE be careful, however - they could be stimulating in withdrawal.  It is one way to get your B-vitamins in more of a trace source than just taking a vitamin.  

 

It would be better to do this under the supervision of some kind of doctor.  However, my doctor disagrees with my use of glandulars - except that she sees I am getting better - so she stopped tsk-tsking about it.  At least she knows I am on them, and considers them as part of the mix when she wants to analyze how I am going.

 

I am also on Ashwaganda, and recently started pharmaceutically compounded Inositol (not just an OTC supplement).  I intend to post my protocol and information here:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4908-inositol/  As you will see from the thread, it is not for everyone, and nor is the ashwaganda:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4713-ashwagandha-herb-for-anxiety-stress-and-toxic-overload/

 

So - HIT (High Intensity Training) = 3 minutes a week of running hard and fast

Plus regular sun-walks, yoga and tai chi (1 class each per week)

Plus adaptogenic Ashwaganda, inositol, and glandulars

and chicken livers.  There is more information on eating your B-vitamins in food at the Methylation thread.

 

and oh yes:  getting my thyroid levels balanced and correct (still working on that, too)

 

And I am still tired, and fatigued, and in pain - but - I am miles better than I was at this time last year.

 

I am not suggesting that you take or try any of these, but perhaps it will give you a direction to look at (when you have the energy). As always, try supplementation with great caution (but you knew that, I just had to say it) - only one change at a time, and in small increments.   Maybe if you research some of these things, you will find that maybe one of them might be right for you, or at least give you a nudge in the right direction.

 

After years of fatigue - a nudge is as good as a change! 

 

I hope you see the sun today!

[JanCarol]

Hey Julz, I was thinking of other things too - 

 

I use a rebounder - a mini-trampoline - to try and boost endocrine levels and energy.  

 

At first I could only do a minute - then I discovered that there are different moves - like "the twist" and others that are less energetic than just bouncing, and I could alternate between those moves and the higher intensity ones.  I'm now up to 15 minutes on the rebounder.  

 

Here's why I thought this was a good idea:

 

Additionally, acupuncture can help heal your endocrine imbalances - just be sure you get soothing, rather than stimulating acupuncture.  Too many natural practitioners get aggressive with "detoxification" and since you've had long term fatigue, they will be more inclined to stimulate rather than soothe.  You need something gentle, easy.

 

Last of all - I am often saying - follow your pleasure.  Do things which replenish rather than deplete you.  Is it the afternoon nap?  Or a walk with the dog?  Or some time with the coloring books?  Find those things which nourish you, which feel good, and follow them.  The energy will come.

 

I hope you see the Sun today!

[Julz82]

Oh JanCarol, thank you so so much!!

 

I hadn't been back on SA for a while so just found your wonderful replies!!... 

 

I have updated my signature with my current "medication",

 

I am still actively tapering Clonazepam (0.38 mg) with a daily dry microtaper. During my 1 mg hold, I tapered Diazepam to 8mg to see if that would help with the fatigue... not really but I am not any worse.

 

I managed to lower Escitalopram down to 5 mg (touching wood as last cut was recent!), seems I am lucky to be able to taper this AD without too much trouble... touch wood, touch wood.

 

The fatigue keeps me Dr Googling... I realise it is not like CFS/ME, it is a "brain fatigue", all felt around the head and eyes. The difficulty lies in staying awake!! I see it's called "Excessive Daytime Sleepiness"...

...the emotional blunting makes it harder to resist the appeal of sleep...

For too long I thought only benzos were making me numb, naively thinking ADs were boosting me... but they are all just as bad... I just want my brain back!!  

 

I had a blood test done a few weeks ago, GP tells me thyroid is fine. Not sure what has been measured and what is considered to be "normal" here... probably worth investigating further...

 

I walk every day and practice yoga. I can't say I've seen any improvement with the fatigue... but some activity is very much needed to stay sane through all this!!

 

Thank you so so much for all your suggestions which I am off to read again!! I do like the idea of having my own trampoline!! Sounds a lot of fun as well!!

 

And oh, choosing a source of pleasure is also great advice!! I started tap dancing in September which was fun but still made me wonder why I didn't enjoy myself as I "should", also made me sleep the afternoon away after that... but I'll try again!! 

 

Long journey, but really worth the effort... I just know it!!!

[Shep]

 

And oh, choosing a source of pleasure is also great advice!! I started tap dancing in September which was fun but still made me wonder why I didn't enjoy myself as I "should", also made me sleep the afternoon away after that... but I'll try again!! 

 

Long journey, but really worth the effort... I just know it!!!

 

Hi, Julz. 

 

I read the part about your tap dancing and it made me smile. Such a great way to get exercise! 

 

Do you have akathisia and if so, does tap dancing help? I found that cranking up music and moving helped a lot with akathisia. I say "moving" because I'm not coordinated enough to call it dancing. 

 

You sound really good, especially for being down to so little Clonazepam now. Sounds like your benzo taper is going well.  

[Julz82]

I read the part about your tap dancing and it made me smile. Such a great way to get exercise! 

 

Do you have akathisia and if so, does tap dancing help? I found that cranking up music and moving helped a lot with akathisia. I say "moving" because I'm not coordinated enough to call it dancing. 

 

You sound really good, especially for being down to so little Clonazepam now. Sounds like your benzo taper is going well.  

 

 

Hi Shep! 

 

Thank you for stopping by and posting such kind and encouraging words!! 

 

Tap dancing is a lot of fun and indeed such a great way to get your exercise!! 

 

I am incredibly lucky not to suffer from akathisia - actually apart from cog fog and occasional sleep paralysis (scary!!) I can't say that I am suffering in the benzo taper!!! I am going slow though, micro-tapering, and K having a short half-life I find it easier to decide when a hold is in order.

I attribute exhaustion and emotional numbness to having been polydrugged for so long... that hasn't shifted so far. But it will   

 

But back to akathisia, I'm sure dancing (or moving lol) would help... it gets rid of "nervous energy", probably channeling it into something more "productive" and enjoyable of course!!

 

Keep dancing and having fun!!! 

Julia xxx

[Shep]

Hi, Julz.

 

I know you are well versed in benzo withdrawal by now with your current taper, but I thought you might like to take a look at some of the resources available in the benzo section of SA, as well as start a thread for yourself if you have any benzo-specific questions. 

 

Here are some links for you:

 

Members only benzo forum

 

Ashton and Beyond in Benzo Tapering

 

I noticed in your signature that you just came off of Escitalopram recently, while also coming down on the Clonazepam. Please take extra care of yourself, as you may be doing too much at once. Antidepressants are notorious for a delayed withdrawal, and when you're tapering other drugs at the same time, sometimes a delayed antidepressant withdrawal may get mistaken for a benzo taper wave. 

 

You may be interested in this thread by Rhiannon. She's been a moderator here for a long time and has a lot of insight in tapering several drugs at once:

 

Taper more than one drug at a time?

 

And this is a thread about deciding which drug to taper next. You may want to taper the Venlafaxine after you're off the clonazepam, and allow the diazepam to help with sleep, if you find diazepam sedating. If you haven't already read this thread, please take a look:

 

Taking multiple psych drugs? Which drug to taper first?

 

I'm wondering if coming off the antidepressant next may help with the sleep paralysis. 

 

Please keep updating. I do enjoy reading about your interesting ways of coping with symptoms. You have a great sense of humor, which I know is not easy when you're coming off this difficult a drug cocktail.

 

Quick question - you stated in your post on February 17 that you "managed to lower Escitalopram down to 5 mg", but in your signature, it states you are on 0 mg. Did you come off that last 5 mg since February 17? 

 

Escitalopram is one of the more potent AD's, so I'm concerned about this rapid a reduction. Please provide details on this when you can. 

 

[Julz82]

Hi Shep 

 

Thank you so much for such a caring and informative post!! ...and (too) kind words!!  LOL!!

 

...regarding the Escitalopram, I realise I have gone very fast. Yes, I have come off the last 15 mg in 3 months, only three weeks on 5mg... I know this is absolutely not recommended... I did give it a lot of consideration though, factoring in my own experience as well as all the information I found about the drug. Decreasing from 60mg to 15mg in 10 then 5mg steps as instructed by my GP (...) was luckily rather uneventful. Each "step" brought on a tiny bit of anxiety in the following days but that seems to have been all. I had been scared by the cut to 15mg which was followed by fatigue becoming exhaustion, however three years onwards and the exhaustion is still pretty much the same... Nothing noticeable happened in that time, even my clonazepam taper has been smooth.

I realise that I am asking a lot from my body/brain/CNS with this very rapid "taper" in the midst of a clonazepam micro-taper... even if I am lucky enough to experience only mild withdrawal symptoms. Which of course is still to be seen... 

 

Thanks for reminding me that I need to keep this Escitalopram "taper"/discontinuation in mind for longer than what I might have done otherwise 

 

Rhiannon's multiple-drug taper is really interesting, again, I understand why it would not be recommended... it seems we all have to find what works for us. I don't think I could handle the logistics lol. What I have also realised through my own experience is that there is not one drug making me "ill", it is quite simply the synergy of this awful cocktail! Not always easy to think in that way.

 

Do you think Venlafaxine could have something to do with the sleep paralysis? In my experience, it always happened 3 days after a clonazepam cut when I used the cut and hold method. Now I do get it sporadically but it is easier with the microtaper.

 

Obviously after coming off Escitalopram so quickly, I have not made plans to taper Venlafaxine. I am mostly living one day at a time with the clonazepam taper as the dose lowers... 

 

As for sedation, I suppose you can called it that LOL!!! I am quite simply sedated 24/7  ...whether that is Diazepam... Back in 2014, I told my doctor I wanted to come off benzos because of feeling this way. I called it "exhaustion"... I don't quite have the words to describe it. All those years on drugs, I have been able to nap 2 to 3 hours until 6 or 7pm and still have my eyelids give in to gravity at 10pm...

Since 2014, I can only avoid napping if I am with people, stimulated. 

I've called that chronic fatigue, excessive daytime sleepiness... I first thought benzodiazepine sedation was balanced by the antidepressants as it seemed to have gotten suddenly worse after my 20 to 15mg drop of Escitalopram in 2014...

Difficult to know whether that is diazepam or quite simply the whole cocktail!!

 

I am blethering   Sorry for this messy post, it does reflect the state of my mind today lol.

 

I will keep this space updated 

 

Thanks for your support!! 

Julz xxx

[Shep]

Hi, Julz.

 

Thanks for the additional information. I'm hoping the rapid escitalopram taper may not be as bad considering you are still on venlafaxine and at the dose where it only hits serotonin (in higher doses, it hits noradrenergic and dopaminergic neurotransmission, source: venlafaxine wiki).  

 

You are doing an amazing job with your non-drug coping skills, as the type of cocktail you are on involving multiple AD's and benzos is criminal. I went through similar, as I was on both a stimulant and SSRI, as well as being on two benzos and a z-drug, and an antipsychotic. So I can reassure you that it's possible to come off these difficult drug cocktails, but as you know so well, not an easy task. 

 

 

Do you think Venlafaxine could have something to do with the sleep paralysis? In my experience, it always happened 3 days after a clonazepam cut when I used the cut and hold method. Now I do get it sporadically but it is easier with the microtaper.

 

 

 

Thanks for this additional information because you are your own best guide when coming off these drugs. It does sound like it could be the clonazepam. I'm glad it's gotten better with the microtaper.

 

Sleep problems can be caused by both AD's and benzos. I had "exploding head syndrome" for the first two years off benzos and z-drugs. Thankfully I knew what it was because I was on a benzo forum at the time, but it still made my life very, very difficult. All of these sleep symptoms can be quite scary in the moment. 

 

Here's a thread on sleep paralysis and other sleep issues in this category that may be helpful, at least in knowing that this is quite common during antidepressant withdrawal (as well as in benzo withdrawal):

 

Nightmare While Awake? Sleep Paralysis, Hypnogogic Hallucinations, etc.

 

 

Obviously after coming off Escitalopram so quickly, I have not made plans to taper Venlafaxine. I am mostly living one day at a time with the clonazepam taper as the dose lowers... 

 

 

This sounds like a great plan. 

 

 

 I first thought benzodiazepine sedation was balanced by the antidepressants as it seemed to have gotten suddenly worse after my 20 to 15mg drop of Escitalopram in 2014...

Difficult to know whether that is diazepam or quite simply the whole cocktail!!

 

 

 

 

I completely understand. I ended up back on a stimulant around 2012 because feeling exhausted. Of course, now I know it was to balance out a very weary nervous system that had been dealing with antipsychotics and benzos for decades. 

 

This thread goes into the "brakes" versus "accelerators" concept for those of us dealing with polypharmacy. 

 

Taking multiple psych drugs? Which drug to taper first?

 

I hope you see improvements in this crushing fatigue before you are off of everything. You already have gotten rid of an "accelerator" and are well on the way to being off a "brake".  These up-and-down chemicals do take their toll on the nervous system, but in time, you'll get back to a much more energetic Julz. 

 

One thing I found that was very helpful for getting energy was to get enough Omega 3. Here's more information:

 

King of supplements: Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil)

 

My nervous system is still too sensitive for supplements, so I've added fish back into my diet (I used to be a vegetarian). You mentioned in your signature that you've stopped supplements, so thought I'd mention this. If I don't feel like cooking fish, just having a small tin of sardines a day is very helpful and provides a daily supply of the important brain food, Omega 3. 

 

I hope this information is helpful and that you're having a good weekend. 

 

[Julz82]

Thank you oh so much, Shep!! Lots of great info as usual! 

 

It is good to know that it can be done. Congratulations on your own journey, I can't quite imagine what it must have been... but now out of all those drugs, I dearly hope that you get out of the DP/DR and get your sleep back very soon.

 

In the midst of it all with no medical acknowledgement that something is wrong - other than me having chronic anxiety (yes, this is what my medical file says!!...) - you will know as well as I do that the journey is incredibly lonely. Thank Goodness for Online Support, survivors who work so hard to make information available... I realise I sometimes even forget why I am tapering the "meds" LOL. I guess some amount of acceptance of how things are in the present is needed to get through such a long process. But anyway.

 

I wanted to thank you for your good wishes, I do hope to start noticing some improvements in my overall well-being... so far, I am quite simply hanging onto the glimpses of emotions tied to memories... I hope all this extra sleeping helps to repair what needs to be repaired!     

 

Regarding supplements, I stopped taking them because I didn't think they helped, and of course they aren't cheap. I eat salmon every week (double the normal portion lol), I might consider having that more often as I quite enjoy it... if it can also help repair whatever has crashed, that's a win win   

My "diet" is varied and balanced, lots of fruit and vegge (way more than the recommended daily intake), I eat meat and dairy so hopefully that covers my needs.

I've heard many people say they don't tolerate supplements and certain foods in withdrawal (not to mention caffeine...) but that has never been a problem for me - so far. 

 

As for EDS, sleep paralysis and everything else... the brain can conjure up some pretty scary stuff. Knowing that those are only illusions, getting to understand what might be happening does help me when I semi-wake-up paralysed lol... it is never fun but it passes. I do remember getting bad sleep paralysis with horrific dreams/hallucinations when I went on drugs. I wonder whether that could be clonazepam...   (I have been on the merry go round as well  ) ...I told my psychiatrist about "wakeful dreams/nightmares", I didn't know the lingo at the time. He said nothing. It finally settled...

However I have experienced "running out of meds", I would run out of clonazepam and the sleep paralysis would begin... so I'm quite sure there is a link there for me. I also know what forgetting to take my Venlafaxine feels like lol, some DP/DR to be expected... at least they keep us from CT'ing...!!!

 

Sorry for another mishmash of a post but I guess I am doing well considering it is the evening and that I am usually very brain-dead after my afternoon nap and already looking forward to hitting the pillow lol. Quite incredible what such cocktails can do, quite incredible that doctors still say it is all in our heads... but anyway, onwards and upwards or vice-versa, I never know lol.

 

Thank you so much for your kind support!!

Best wishes,

Julz xxx 

[Julz82]

I am finally realising that I never stood a chance on this terrible psych' drug cocktail!! I have my instinct to survive, I can empathise with people... but deeper connexions and more importantly just about all connexions to myself have been taken away by the drugs... when for so long I did believe something was wrong with me. The idea had been totally sold to me since the day I realised ... well yes, something was wrong with me in 2003/4.. but that was then.

 

You cannot function without emotions!! No amount of willpower... 

 

...so anyway. I am nearing the 10 mg Valium equivalent benzo-load, I know this is still a lot... but from 90 down to nearly 10, over two years of tapering... I can't feel any difference   ...not that I can notice. I know my life is depressing, I've read all the great advice on the thread about anhedonia... sorry for ranting.

 

I am curious about SSRI-induced indifference... for so long I believed in the mood-boosting effects of A/Ds   - I am still on 75mg Effexor. I have been on it for over a decade. I have read online that apathy is a common side-effect - now I can't help but wonder whether Effexor has my emotions, personality and enthusiasm for life hostage  

 

...realizing to a fuller extent what has been done to me   

 

Sorry again for the rant, getting it out helps somewhat... !! I will get my positive (((drugged))) self back very soon...   

[Julz82]

...Regarding Effexor I have been wondering...

 

...I am using the word "typically" but I know there is no such thing as "typical" really when it comes to psychiatric drugs... I know my experience will be rather unique and I will have to make sense of it as I go through it... listening to my body, any symptoms... plan and adapt... as usual, as I have been doing for the past 30 months!!  

 

- I am looking for testimonies, anyone who may have been in my shoes with regards to apathy and emotional numbness while on Effexor (or other), do such symptoms tend to lessen as the dose reduces?

 

- with its short half-life, do most withdrawal symptoms typically hit sooner?

On a couple of occasions, I forgot to take my daily Venlafaxine Modified Release, symptoms were felt the next day. 

With Escitalopram, I would typically feel some revved up anxiety 3 days after a cut... but nothing if I forgot to take a dose.

 

Thank you!! 

[Shep]

 

I am curious about SSRI-induced indifference... for so long I believed in the mood-boosting effects of A/Ds    - I am still on 75mg Effexor. I have been on it for over a decade. I have read online that apathy is a common side-effect - now I can't help but wonder whether Effexor has my emotions, personality and enthusiasm for life hostage   

 

 

 

Hi, Julz. 

 

Effexor is a bit of a tricky drug. This is from the article on Effexor from wiki:

 

 

At low doses (<150 mg/day), it acts only on serotonergic transmission. At moderate doses (>150 mg/day), it acts on serotonergic and noradrenergic systems, whereas at high doses (>300 mg/day), it also affects dopaminergic neurotransmission.^[15]

 

When a drug is increasing dopamine, you are more likely to get that "mood-boosting effect". But as you can read, the lower down you go, the drug targets serotonin and noradrenaline and then lastly, only serotonin. 

 

Add in the fact that you just came off escitalopram last month, which could also be contributing to this lowered mood effect, as well as the benzo taper.

 

And let's not forget about battle fatigue from dealing with chronic health issues for a long time. And if you have experienced losses such such areas as jobs, relationships, hobbies, etc., then that also comes into play. 

 

I think of this is as a holistic experience, so it's not only all of this, but also the attitude that we attach to it. We need to grieve our losses, but we also must not lose our sense of hope and our day-to-day curiosity. This is vital. This is human. 

 

Are you still able to tap dance? Does playing music in the background during the day help? 

 

A lot of us long-time polydrug survivors deal with a very profound and sometimes spiritual disconnect due to these drugs, it's a very, very deep apathy and emotionless state of existence. 

 

It leaves everything around us covered in gray. 

 

You cannot function without emotions!! No amount of willpower... 

 

 

 

 

Emotions are complex. I have a diagnosis of a schizoid personality (yeah, I know, psychiatric labels are complete BS). It has a lot of similarities to autism. 

 

But even with a very introverted and distant personality, trust me, I FEEL. 

 

But my emotions are felt at an intellectual level first. I've known quite a number of people going through psych drug withdrawal who say they no longer "feel" their emotions, but they still "understand" them. 

 

You can function. And as you heal, you most likely will develop a much deeper set of emotional understanding because you'll have seen them from a new and different perspective. 

 

This is where this process brings us insight and even enlightenment. 

 

Don't be scared off and disillusioned. It's part of the journey, but it's not permanent. You'll get your emotions back. There is no timeframe, though. 

 

I often say this:  You don't know what it's like to be on these drugs until you're off them and well on the way to healing. 

 

Don't be distracted by the psychiatric drug withdrawal lies. You'll be okay. 

 

 

 

- with its short half-life, do most withdrawal symptoms typically hit sooner?

On a couple of occasions, I forgot to take my daily Venlafaxine Modified Release, symptoms were felt the next day. 

With Escitalopram, I would typically feel some revved up anxiety 3 days after a cut... but nothing if I forgot to take a dose.

 

 

 

Since you're dealing with multiple drug tapers in the past year, it's hard to say what is causing what. 

 

At this point, it may be less about each individual drug and more about how they all change the way the brain works. And now that you're removing them, your brain is going through more changes. 

 

This is a wonderful thread that explores this concept: 

 

Brain remodeling 

 

Are you holding all of your drugs now? I would actually recommend that, especially after your escitalopram rapid taper that ended only a month ago.

 

I fear too many changes could destabilize or even crash your nervous system. Escitalopram is an extremely potent drug and the amount you jumped off of at 5 mg is much higher than is recommended as a jumping off point. 

 

How are you feeling other than emotional numbness? Are you sleeping and eating okay? 

[Julz82]

Thank you Shep!

 

The emotional numbness is nothing new, I seem to be realising to a fuller extent the ways in which it has affected me during all those years. I used to talk about being “tired” when it wasn’t half of the problem… but the most “tangible” thing. I was never “depressed” on meds, but now I realise I have been so numb and apathetic! I used to believe I was too hard on myself or too much of a perfectionist to feel satisfaction, pride or even simple enjoyment… when all this time… it was the meds!

 

I look back to a time during which everything was intellectualised for my survival. As I did not feel much… no desire, no want, no… no nothing. Like so much else, my meals were planned and thank Goodness as I “managed myself” into a less disordered eating… I’d look at the clock and try to do what a “normal person” would do at this time, which soon turned into following my scheduled routine of survival. But I was not unhappy… I just “was”… nothing more, really…

 

Between 2006 and 2009, I was more or less living with my boyfriend so I’d feed on his own “wants”. He was a nice guy, I wasn’t in love (how could I ever feel such a thing!!), I was glad for the company I guess… when we split up I ended up going back to restricting – I now understand that it was from a need to feel something when I clearly felt nothing from ordinary things… such a desperate attempt which I am sure was from being on meds!! …I ended up desperate enough to write a cover letter to be considered for the leading psychiatric hospital in Paris… thank Goodness something else came up, I packed my suitcase and moved to the UK, never went to my assessment at the psychiatric hospital. I can’t imagine what would have happened to me there…

 

…you are absolutely right about grieving our losses, going through a long-term condition which isn’t even acknowledged by anyone… this is so complex on the psychological level. I know tapering is far from the only thing we are going through…

 

…every day, I have to ask to myself: “but what if it is not the drugs but indeed… me?”… I want to know those are lies we believe in because of chemicals and the entire psychiatry scam… of course this is so very hard… hence being so desperate for signs of recovery…

 

…when I moved to the UK, I went back to uni… graduated with a BSc and a MSc… Goodness knows how I managed!! …then the exhaustion disabled me, it was clear I could not work – the exhaustion was one thing, the other… or the rest… I just couldn’t describe what I was feeling… or not feeling…

 

I watch people, wondering what energy drives them… I had been going through the motion of life without a clue… doing for the sole purpose of doing. Utterly clueless. Fascinated for sure…!!

 

So I’ll try to stop my rant here for just now!!

 

Aside from the emotional numbness… I am tired. It is the kind which takes you in the eyes, there is nothing in my brain to keep me awake lol. I sleep 8 hours per night and another hour and a half in the late afternoon… rather heavy dreaming with memories (which are welcome!!), sometimes a bit of a broken sleep but I never have to get up, I fall right back to sleep.

 

I believe my brain needs all this sleep to process all the stuff it couldn’t because of drugs. I think I have anterograde amnesia, not totally of course, but the past 13 years are pretty much a blur. Including the “good” times.

 

The fatigue is a bit depressing lol, but then as I’ve said, there is not much to keep me awake because I have become so apathetic. Well, I care about things, just not enough to want to do things for enjoyment for example.

 

For the past three years, I have survived following a routine… meals included.

 

I might be a bit hungrier at the moment… probably a good sign too.

 

I have gone out every single day, whether to buy apples or to (pretend to) browse…

 

I stopped going to tap class because it had me sleep my whole afternoon away… and ended up making me feel… a bit down? Less ok than I would be on a normal boring day... I am thinking about getting in touch with the teacher and letting her know I have CFS… believe it or not, I live in total secret of everything… absolutely everything!!!

 

…ashamed.

 

How bad is that!!!

 

I guess that was me trying to be in denial…

 

…my family seem to want to be fed sugar coated stuff…

 

…and so… anyone wondering what has become of me may look up FB or other to find absolutely nothing, no sign of life for over two years and a half…

 

Sorry for spilling this out… I am not “depressed”, but somewhat perhaps peeping out of denial, little by little… I will figure it out as I have always done! … but it’s good to be able to say how darn hard it all is and has been… I have nowhere else to do that, no one willing to hear such a hard truth.

 

But otherwise I’m ok, I enjoy watching cat videos on youtube   LOL. 

...music, I still have to make a conscious effort to find something to listen to, etc... but I do try!!

 

And FINALLY, as for holding, yes, that is on the cards   

 

Once again, thank you for allowing me to get all this off my chest... sorry for the less positive nature of this post... and thank you once more for everything!!

 

Julz xxx

[Shep]

Hi, Julz.

 

I'm not sure I'd describe your post as "less positive" because it shows an awful lot of insight.

 

 

Sorry for spilling this out… I am not “depressed”, but somewhat perhaps peeping out of denial, little by little…

 

 

Do you feel your emotions are coming back, perhaps a sign of healing? 

 

 

And FINALLY, as for holding, yes, that is on the cards    

 

 

 

Holding is a magical term around here. 

 

It's quite possible the escitalopram rapid taper was buffered by the Venlafaxine and benzos may be helping with some of the symptoms, as well. 

 

Your non-drug coping skills are so strong, it's hard to tell how badly you feel. I was tempted to ask if you thought a slight reinstatement of a small amount of the escitalopram might help, but if you're okay with holding, that may be the best thing to do. 

 

Let me know your thoughts on this, as antidepressants can have a delayed effect, so please monitor any changes that concern you. 

 

With your intelligence, perseverance, and the great education you were able to get, I think you're going to have an amazing life once you get through this difficult phase and heal. 

 

Sending healing vibes your way. Please keep updating. 

[Julz82]

Hi Shep!! 

 

I was reading a bit of your blog and boy you gave me a LOT to think about!! ... you are a truly inspiring person... {cyber hugs!!!}

 

Thank you so much for your contribution here, once again!!

 

I am always in thinking mode - no wonder my brain gets tired and sinks into passive-sleepy state lol. BUT thinking is what helps me make sense of things - for me it is all good!!! Even when "reality" sucks - or a new perspective on "reality".

 

Non-drug coping skills? Thinking and WRITING!! Writing has enabled me to understand many things, family dynamics, my own behaviour, past, present, good, less good... while "thinking" alone can be a bit overwhelming, writing is extremely freeing. 

 

I've been a zombie for 13 years, I think the worst of it was accepting that this would be "me" for the rest of my years... not that I had much of a grasp on time... yeah, again, I just "was", no adjective needed there 

 

Luckily for me, there is nothing "traumatic" in my past - until I met psychiatry and was dugged, never forced to... that will be a realisation for later I guess. Memories of pre-med times are coming back - and I'm glad!! I feel less "void" with that reconnection to my past - a life I have lived and enjoyed!!

Of course what is more difficult is thinking about what people might have become, the things I have missed out on... and this is where owning my story becomes important. I am perhaps less ashamed than what I think, lol, perhaps more exhausted at the thought of "what to tell people"... which stems from the "void inside"... which will get better as I heal   ...watching out for the psychiatry trauma bit though 

 

...another type of memory which seems to be coming back is food LOL... once again, it makes me smile!!

 

I am quite sure that eating disorders were linked to a depressive state (then apathetic/anhedonic on meds), rather than anxiety. I know that in a less drugged state I am likely to experience cravings and a variety of "wants" again, as opposed to that "intellectualised feeding process" I have put in place... but anything which makes me feel a bit more "alive" would be welcome lol, even if it means beefing up a bit!! - I think I would intellectualise that as progress in coming out of this zombie state of being 

Hopefully I can enjoy food again, and all its different aspects, social for instance...!! ...which I think I did when I traveled to Paris in January to see my Dad and little Brother  ...so yes, something has been slowly shifting... 

 

Your words stay with me, Shep   I was thinking about what you said in an earlier post, that we may only start to realise what has been missing from our emotional lives when we are well on our way into Healing. I know I've not felt things like enthusiasm, passion, creativity, ambition, sense of achievement, etc etc etc... it's been such a long time that I think I'd given up any hope of that ever coming back. I even think I have grieved "my own self" already, to some extent... I wonder whether this is where I get my current strength from. Things can only get better from here - at least I do hope so!! ... and will do my best to... take the right decisions 

 

Regarding Escitalopram... hmm... I am tempted to hold it out with my fingers crossed   Plenty coping tools (loving "change the channel" which works really well as an added "trick" to regular mindfulness!!) and keeping track of symptoms, any changes... (would definitely consider reinstating if I felt I was getting into problems)

 

 

My writing is quite free-style but that is part of the process at the moment lol. I'd never click "post" if I started proof-reading myself...!!

 

...thank you again for your kindness and dedication (and too kind words!!   ) It is wonderful to have fellow survivors showing us that there is a life after all this mess... 

 

Great Big Healing Hugs right back at you and everyone stopping by!!

Julz xxx

[Shep]

Non-drug coping skills? Thinking and WRITING!! Writing has enabled me to understand many things, family dynamics, my own behaviour, past, present, good, less good... while "thinking" alone can be a bit overwhelming, writing is extremely freeing. 

 

 

 

Hi, Julz. 

 

Writing is a great one. It's one of my favorites, too.

 

Have you seen the journaling link in the self care area?

 

 

Journaling / Journalling / Writing Therapy / Therapeutic Writing

 

 

Might provide some inspiration and information.  And please feel free to post any websites or information you've found on journaling. 

 

 

 

I am quite sure that eating disorders were linked to a depressive state (then apathetic/anhedonic on meds), rather than anxiety. I know that in a less drugged state I am likely to experience cravings and a variety of "wants" again, as opposed to that "intellectualised feeding process" I have put in place... but anything which makes me feel a bit more "alive" would be welcome lol, even if it means beefing up a bit!! - I think I would intellectualise that as progress in coming out of this zombie state of being  

 

 

 

Lots of insight here. 

 

As I came off the drugs, I lost all cravings for sugars and carbs. It simply disappeared. I've read that a lot of people have that reaction because increased serotonin can lead to cravings. So perhaps your experience will be very positive as you come off the drugs. 

 

You mentioned not having anything traumatic in your past (aside from being on these drugs), so that works to your favor, too. I'm glad all you have to deal with are the drugs. That's enough for anyone.

 

 

Regarding Escitalopram... hmm... I am tempted to hold it out with my fingers crossed    Plenty coping tools (loving "change the channel" which works really well as an added "trick" to regular mindfulness!!) and keeping track of symptoms, any changes... (would definitely consider reinstating if I felt I was getting into problems)

 

 

Good to hear that you will reinstate if needed. Please post for feedback first, if you ever do decide to reinstate, as you may do better with a smaller dose than you came off of due to increased hypersensitivity of the nervous system. 

 

But I hope you continue to do well and find even more non-drug coping skills to see you through.

 

Sending healing vibes your way. 

 

[Julz82]

Hi Shep!!

 

Many thanks, as always!! 

 

I hadn't realised writing was a coping skill until I thought about it lol... writing my last post!! I am now going to read more about that. 

 

I don't know whether I am being objective ... but I did laugh twice yesterday (good old laughing to tears!!), and a couple of days ago my eyes swelled as I was watching something rather sad on TV. Not all my emotions had left me of course, so it's difficult to say that this really is proof of improvement... oh well, if it isn't just yet, it ought to come at some point! ...in the meantime I'll try to look for things which make me laugh as this is truly the "best medicine"!!

 

There is something I find extremely difficult to explain, it is about my "thinking". I can go out, be browsing in a shop... and I'll think of something I might like "to do"... a book or film to look up... it is as if I am in a real-world Pinterest. I seem to find inspiration ... but most ideas will disappear when I get home. And that doesn't seem to be anything new... living in Oblivion!!   ...home is a place of routine, I spend way too much time there/here... !!

Since my breakdown, and "being on meds"... bookshops have been a place of inspiration, I can't quite explain this thing.

I enjoy reading fiction and thank Goodness for being able to do that, as it is one of my best distractions. Funnily, fiction is a world "I understand" - unlike the Real World which I live in LOL, a World in which I am free to do anything I like... and that seems to be the problem!!!   ...Oblivion is the word!!   

 

This constant quest for life-inspiration is exhausting, no wonder I am shattered lol. Things will get better 

 

... if anyone relates with being bored in their own brain... please feel free to share!!

 

Good to hear that you will reinstate if needed. Please post for feedback first, if you ever do decide to reinstate, as you may do better with a smaller dose than you came off of due to increased hypersensitivity of the nervous system. 

 

 Of course, Shep. I will keep this space updated. Apart from the usual fatigue and all the weirdness I am trying to describe lol, I am nearly symptom-free (tinnitus, cog fog and sore neck all manageable, sleep is fine 8 hours plus my usual break-from-the-world nap). I wouldn't reinstate without discussing it before 

 

Sending Happy Healing Vibes your way, whoever may be reading...  

Hugs!!

Julz xxx

 

PS: apologies for my word-salads... they are part of the process, so I believe   

[Shep]

 

PS: apologies for my word-salads... they are part of the process, so I believe    

 

 

 

I enjoy word salad and enjoy reading yours. Lol, and I've written plenty of that myself. 

 

I'm glad you're able to read. I used to read a lot myself, but withdrawal made that very difficult.

 

It's coming back, though, very slowly, so I'm happy to be able to sit down with a book for short periods of time now.

 

Sending healing vibes your way. I hope you are continuing to make improvements. 

[Julz82]

Hi Shep and Everyone reading!!

 

I'm glad you enjoy reading my word-salads lol, I seem to be getting quite good at those!! Plenty more where that came from lol!!

 

I'm delighted that you are recovering your ability to read!! It does take quite a bit of concentration and probably a lot of "inner calm" - which we are not all lucky to have during withdrawal... 

 

I am still doing "ok". The fatigue and apathy/anhedonia are still there BUT I can actually sleep in later in the morning - which I can only think of as a good thing for "brain repairs"!! My sleep is busy with dreams, very very busy. Yet again, it is healing, as my memories keep knocking at the door - and they "feel".

I  am probably remembering how it felt to feel if that makes any sense.

 

I can still feel love for my family - thank Goodness - but what I have lacked is the ability to create new meaningful connections for instance. 

 

I also lack the ability to feel connections to the Self. Years of "soul searching" with self-help books (and even therapists!!)... and of course I still have that little part of me which believe it is ME and not the drugs... I will have to prove it wrong. 

 

I realised quite recently that I've been functioning with knowledge, thoughts and ideas to replace the emotional dimension of my life. Searching for a soul is exhausting!! So I am very glad that I can read for example as it is a good distraction. What I describe in a previous post about seeking inspiration in a book shop for example... "what have those drugs done to me??..."  ... on the way home, on the way home 

 

Trying to motivate myself to get back on my yoga mat... hmhm lol. Because I used to love dance very much, I have regularly taken myself back to classes only to end up asking "why don't I enjoy myself?" - I suppose many will understand what I mean. I feel I am a in a bit of a dilemma with regards to what I "should" do - get on my yoga mat, practice some dance etc etc etc - and of course I end up doing nothing... too much of a "thinking brain"!! 

 

Yoga... that is my resolution!! Ready to buddy up with anyone in need of motivation 

 

Healing Vibes and Great Big Hugs!! 

[Blondiee1915]

Hi Julz!

 

Thanks so much for stopping by my thread and giving your advice. I really appreciate it . I wanted to check in and see how you are doing. I was reading your last post and so much resonated with me. The whole soul searching and making meaningful connections actually. And yoga ! Before medication I was pretty social and just went with the flow never thought about how can I engage into conversation with this person and feeling uncomfortable about going to places . My friends were surprised that I maintained such a high GPA I college bc I constantly went out . Anyways when I was put in SSRI I was constantly exhausted and indifferent I didn't notice it at the time but with time I was beginning to isolate myself and not going out and worrying about my anxiety and so on . Now I am trying to rediscover myself and be a real me. I question myself all the time and not sure about things in life in general . This fatigue is taking notes a huge toll on me but I am trying . I do think yoga and mindfulness can bring me closer to discovering the real me. I was actually bad this weekend and didn't practice but tonight I am going to put extra effort . I hope you started as well Julz ! Motivation oh and I also love dancing ! It was my favorite thing to do going out back in the day .

 

Ttyl!

B

[bhasski]

Loved reading your thread.

Julz, Shep, and Blondie.

 

Most probably forget this (bad memory) but it needs a mention.

Wish you fast healing.

[Julz82]

Thank you so much Everyone!!

 

Blondie, I am so sorry "medication" had such an effect on your life as well. This has to be an exciting time for us, a chance we have given ourselves, a chance many probably don't have, staying on drugs for a lifetime believing that they have chronic depression/anxiety and whatever else... I really believed that "stopping my meds" would have me "more depressed" and "more anxious"... but even in withdrawal that is not true!!

 

Now that awful fatigue... it really is awful. With cog fog, putting words together to make a sentence becomes a challenge even sitting somewhat upright to type is difficult!! 

 

As I just wrote on your intro, I wish I had a miracle cure to share with everyone... it just seems that doing our best every day has to be enough. 

 

I am delighted you enjoy reading, Bhasski!! 

 

I am hanging in there with my usual fatigue and perhaps some more being that "time of the month". Still dreaming and getting some memories back  ...actually sleeping better in the mornings, until 9 or even 9.30 a.m. - wow - on the full cocktail I'd wake up around 5 a.m., skipping all the dreaming of course... so my brain is regaining some function and I am delighted!! ...hope to "feel" sometime soon...    

 

I hope everyone is doing a bit better, having a fairly decent day... getting the rest they need this weekend, fresh air, good food... 

 

Take care and remember to tell yourselves that you are doing the best you can, and that it is enough!!

Hugs!!

Julz xxx

[Julz82]

Hi Everybody!!

I haven't updated my blog in a while, high time I was doing something about that as I finally got off everything... yes, I know, I rapid tapered off Venlafaxine and diazepam after jumping from my two-and-a-half-year clonazepam taper, I know this is not recommended and would not recommend doing that of course... but here I am. Over a decade of "apathy", unable to understand the World as I no longer feel "wants", joy, enthusiasm etc etc... I had to come off...

I know A/D discontinuation can hit months out, I know...

After jumping from Venlafaxine, for the first time in so long, I had a couple of weeks of "mild anger" which was directed towards the situation, being drugged and left to my fate with no one believing I would ever get off. I was thinking of the people I had reached out to and who'd stared me back blankly in the face, never telling me how deep I was in. The anger passed... I am back to "knowing" and "thinking" rather than "feeling" anything. 

I also realised that I had been coping by planning my meals, 13 years of such thoughts to entertain a brain bored to death by drugs and more drugs. My obsessions went, leaving me so incredibly empty. I knew living alone did not make much sense before (on drugs) but I was in my bubble. When I got off... the only thing which made sense to me was to book a flight to go back to my family and be supported in my healing. 

So here I am, 2 months out a 13-year ordeal which could have been a life-sentence had I not realised there was a problem. 

Time seems to have stopped and the emptiness is scary but I know that I am healing... and that Normal Brain Function will return, in time... now I just need to keep going, keep doing my best... find what works in terms of passing time and keeping busy... being with family and close friends... good food, walks, some exercise, etc... phew!!

Wishing everyone a Happy Healing as always!!

Julz xxx

[nz11]

thanks for the update.

So how did you taper off the venlafaxine and benzo, at what dose did you jump off?

 

[Julz82]

10 hours ago, nz11 said:

thanks for the update.

So how did you taper off the venlafaxine and benzo, at what dose did you jump off?

 

Thank you for popping in, NZ!!

Well... I am not proud of what I have done but... as you are asking... I rapid tapered off 75 mg Venlafaxine between March 21st and May 17th. I had capsules with 6 pellets, so taking one pellet less every week... I know, I know... not advisable. I was dizzy during the RT but it passed. Once off, the "anger" came (not rage, just mild anger, nothing else in term of emotions).

...In parallel, I had also been tapering diazepam... I know... I had planned to at least get down to 0.5mg but when I got to 1mg... I couldn't bring myself to take the drugs anymore - after 30 months of patience and acceptance... I guess I run out and jumped from 1mg on the 29th of May...I know, I know, I know....

... I can't say there was any "acute" anything, I stopped being obsessed by my next meal, stopped finding any comfort in being alone in a horrible rut... I was really far, far away, lost in oblivion, telling myself that the problem was that I was tired!! Sure I was tired on drugs, and perhaps it has lessened now that I am off but it is as Shep once wrote... "life" (survival) has just been a nightmare, day after day of the same thing, it was incredibly hard and now I know why it was that way... It is not fun now that I know why of course and I dearly hope that my brain will soon enable me to understand again the forces which drive the World... emotions, "wants" as I call them... Drugs have taken so much that I was, enthusiastic, passionate, curious... I know things will get better... in time... Our Brains heal, it is quite wonderful that people do come back from a what should have been a life-sentence in psychiatry... thank Goodness for our Healing Powers!!

Sending Healing Hugs all round...!!

Julz xxx

[nz11]

Thanks for the clarification on the taper.

Well i dont think you need me to tell you what was a fast taper.

Wdl symptoms can be delayed for several months or more and after what appears to be 13 yrs use you may be hit with some very serious wdl symptoms in the coming weeks.

You may be one who doesnt suffer wdl but if you do it may be rough for quite some time.

I guess unlike others when or if wdl hits you at least know it is wdl symptoms.

Wishing you healing in the journey ahead.

nz11

 

[Shep]

Hi, Julz. Thank you for giving an update. 

 

I do share the concerns that NZ mentioned. Please touch base from time to time and let us know how you're doing. 

 

I hope you do well from this rather speedy exit off the drugs. That is also an important part of the narrative, as we are all different in our experiences.

 

Wishing you much healing. 

[Julz82]

Thank you both for your concern and supportive words nevertheless. I am aware of the risks... what else can I say... I guess I wasn't too proud, hence not updating in a while... but I will come back and touch base now and then. The support I have found on SA is invaluable and follows me every day as I try to find patience and acceptance of what is just now...

Wishing you all Peaceful and smooth Healing...!!

Julz xxx

[Julz82]

Hi Everyone,

 

Monday marked my "3-month-off Anniversary" and I thought it would be good to touch base, as I promised to do every once in a while.

Physically, I am doing "ok", compared to what it could be in psych' drug withdrawal... stiffness and weird sensations in mouth/face seem to be my main symptoms. Psychologically/mentally... I guess I am somewhat coming out of oblivion, whether that is "me" coming out of denial of the state I was in (the state the drugs had me in for so long) or spellbinding effects of the drugs. As I said previously, most of my food obsessions which kept me somewhat in "busy in my head" have disappeared, leaving me with a feeling of emptiness which is probably the toughest thing I have ever had to go through in my entire life, so far. My life has lacked an emotional dimension for a long long time... now I know that it wasn't "me". I am in the process of acknowledging the emotional and even cognitive incapacitation of my time on ADs and benzos...

 

While still "on meds" (was that the ADs?), I'd feel something akin to enthusiasm or excitement in the early mornings. I'd want to get out of bed, make coffee, get on the laptop... but what for?... There was no reason behind this driving force, probably just a chemical reaction... was it easier when I had those "surges"? I won't deny it, but now that they seem to have gone... I have to tell myself that it is probably progress. However tough it is. 

 

The disabling fatigue which motivated my coming off "meds" is nowhere near as disabling as it once was - and I am working out again without revving up symptoms! I still do pretty much everything out of sheer will-power as I don't feel much "want" but I know that our brains and bodies benefit from all types of exercise, physical and mental. So I keep doing things with all this in mind, confident that Nature finds its way back.... not always easy to remain positive but there is no choice.

 

I am still so very incredibly flat, so much of my "trying to function" has been an intellectual effort... and still is. My Brain has regained its ability to dream and remember, which is indeed progress. Memories come mostly from pre-drug times, thankfully nothing ever traumatic.  But remembering seems to take over other "functions" which aren't too great just now, for example if I look at clothes in a shop, I may start remembering things but not be drawn towards anything in my present. In such, I feel very disconnected from my present, everything seems to be in my past... it is very bizarre. Too incapacitated to go clothes shopping without assistance!!...

 

I know 3 months after jumping may not be the best time to make life decisions but I am looking for a flat near my family in France, planning to leave the flat I had been renting in the UK for the past 7 years. There is currently nothing for me there, only loneliness and memories I am not too fond of. Being back with family is what makes sense to me right now, and I'm glad it does. Loneliness is not something I am drawn towards anymore...!!! ...perhaps I won't end up alone after all.

 

I am even thinking about getting a job as I need something to cope during this time of nothingness, or take my mind off my own problems... !!

 

My mindset has been changing over a short period of time, as I said, not sure what is "my mindset" and/or effects of drugs leaving my system... but I guess I am being drawn back towards all kinds of "normal" and that seems to be positive after such a long time of things which did not seem to make much sense but somehow did...

 

So that's about it for now... I will update regularly, hopefully I will soon be able to write about progress!!...

 

Healing Hugs to All...!!

Julz xxx

[Julz82]

I reached my 6-months drug-free anniversary on the 29th of November... healing is slow, oh so slow!

 

The worst for me has been (and is!!) the anhedonia and emotional blunting. It was already bad on drugs but as I was kept in my little world of food obsessions and "fake feelings of excitement" (sensations from within at fixed hours, no external reason to be enthusiastic, excited or anything), I didn't realise just how bad it was. Now without all the drug-induced "fake" (probably from ADs), my world is just flat and grey.

I guess I am waiting for my emotions to return after having been subdued by the drugs. What do you think? I know we are all different, no two timelines are the same... and that only time heals. 

 

 

In terms of "symptoms", here is the list I complied:

 

- Anhedonia/“Grey depression” – everything looks, sounds and “feels” grey

- Emotionally blunted: No interest, enthusiasm, joy… no feelings of love for family… can’t even feel anger … 

- Difficulty being alone (not phobia but being confronted to the nothingness of my brain gets unbearable), need to fill the void of time with activities and people as I can't distract or keep busy with a book or TV (loss of interest? I don't know what/why. I used to find some comfort in reading while on drugs. Will get better...)

- Cog fog, difficulty planning and deciding (also because "I want nothing" and I am trying to survive this? )

- Tiredness - BUT sleeping ok during the night - no need to nap after years and years of having to adjust my schedule to fit a 3-hour nap!!!

- Rebound REM - return of brain-function, started after I quit Lexapro early 2017. 

- Memories keep popping up, sometimes intense - more brain-function returning after I quit Lexapro.

- Intrusive thoughts (night) - has been getting less bothersome, first sign of post-jump post-acute healing!

 

- Time is at a standstill – a minute feels like an hour

- “Urges” and some very weird thoughts… have felt like being violent :-( thankfully nothing happened...

 

- Always Hungry, never feel full - that seems to have gotten a bit better very recently

- Little pleasure from food

 

- Neck/Upper back tension (feels worse in bed) 

- “Body heaviness”

- Blurry vision/sensitivity to light - has gotten a bit better

- Paraesthesia (hands, feet and back, especially in bed) - has gotten a bit better, less on back, still on hands and feet 

- Can’t feel comfortable in bed - has gotten a bit better

- Bizarre body-awareness when lying in bed (not sure what my position is, where my limbs are, if I’m horizontal or not…) - has gotten a bit better

 

- Swelling of face, mouth, cheeks, gums – area varies - often worse after eating? - has also gotten a bit better... I think.

- Weird taste on teeth??... 

 

My acute symptoms were intense dizziness and swelling of throat and excess saliva so bad I could not lie in bed without feeling I was choking. The first I attributed to coming off Effexor and the second to Diazepam. Thankfully those horrible symptoms have disappeared or gotten much much better. I still get some swelling but not quite in the same area of the throat and nothing like it ever was in acute. Don't feel like I am choking thank Goodness!!!

 

So now, I am mainly hoping to come out of this horrible anhedonia and emotional blunting. Even regaining the ability to feel a bit of anger would help me understand what is happening and would help me reconnect with "reality" - as it started to when I experienced a tiny partial window just after quitting Effexor in May 2017 - I started to feel angry at what had happened to me, this gave me a bit more "emotional clarity" (as opposed to the intellectual effort I must make to comprehend things and function in a world which has lost so much of its meaning).

 

Two months ago, I moved out of my flat in the UK. I am now back with family and healing...

 

This detour via "mental illness" will have taken much longer than I ever thought it would! 14 years. But I am finally on the road to me again... finally.

 

Thank you for your support... and best of healing to all. We can do this!

 

Julia

Edited December 6, 2017 by Julz82
Edit: layout for readability

[Staz]

I find your determination and achievement very uplifting and you've given me some hope. Hope that some day i'll be out of this chemical straight jacket and depression free. Well done Julz.

 

[Julz82]

4 hours ago, Staz said:

I find your determination and achievement very uplifting and you've given me some hope. Hope that some day i'll be out of this chemical straight jacket and depression free. Well done Julz.

 

 

Thank you so much, Staz. Nothing of this is easy but I know that it is worth it. People come off those drugs and find themselves again. With added strength. And increased appreciation for life. Here's to us and nothing stopping us finally becoming well and happy!

[MMMM]

Hi @Julz82 it's great reading your posts and I can relate. How are you doing these days? I hope you are well and feeling feelings!

[Julz82]

19 hours ago, MMMM said:

Hi @Julz82 it's great reading your posts and I can relate. How are you doing these days? I hope you are well and feeling feelings!

 

Hello MMMM!

 

What were the odds? I hardly ever visit this forum nowadays, but tonight for some reason, I did. I found your warm message. Thank you! 

 

I wish I could say things were good... but I'm not much better than I was all those months ago 😣 I'm 22 months off this horrible cocktail and still suffering between akathisia and emotional numbness/anhedonia mainly. The usual cog fog, intrusive thoughts... monophobia has either gotten better, or I've learned to cope better, or both? I know 22 months is still early days, especially when you were polydrugged for 13 years. I'm still very much fighting. No drugs. Good food and water, distraction and as much interacting with 'the real world'. 

 

The truth is that people come back from psychiatric drugging. Look at Laura Delano! Our brains are designed to heal from all these horrible drugs. So trust the process. Give yourself time. This is not a small feat. This is victory of life over psychiatric death. 

 

Warm healing hugs!

Julz

[MMMM]

Hi @Julz82, very nice to hear from your, and that is so funny that you had just logged in-- what are the odds indeed! I'm sorry to hear that you are still experiencing the emotional numbness and anhedonia. It sounds like you are doing a great job though with good food and water, distraction and as much interacting with 'the real world' as possible. I am feeling very very depressed, but trying to do the same thing. Best wishes to you! I know we will heal eventually. 

[Pepms]

On 3/26/2019 at 5:04 PM, Julz82 said:

 

Hello MMMM!

 

What were the odds? I hardly ever visit this forum nowadays, but tonight for some reason, I did. I found your warm message. Thank you! 

 

I wish I could say things were good... but I'm not much better than I was all those months ago 😣 I'm 22 months off this horrible cocktail and still suffering between akathisia and emotional numbness/anhedonia mainly. The usual cog fog, intrusive thoughts... monophobia has either gotten better, or I've learned to cope better, or both? I know 22 months is still early days, especially when you were polydrugged for 13 years. I'm still very much fighting. No drugs. Good food and water, distraction and as much interacting with 'the real world'. 

 

The truth is that people come back from psychiatric drugging. Look at Laura Delano! Our brains are designed to heal from all these horrible drugs. So trust the process. Give yourself time. This is not a small feat. This is victory of life over psychiatric death. 

 

Warm healing hugs!

Julz

Hi @Julz82 how have you been? its been a while!