success ☼ Rockingchaircat: recovery from psychotropic drugs that were prescribed willy nilly.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 356

 

No cortisol spikes last night. A cooler than normal night for this time of year. It rained. Nice.  Alas, I woke up with a headache. But I'd prefer a headache to a cortisol spike any day of the week.  I slept in 2 hour increments, until 3 in the morning and just surf dozed until it was time to get up.  I soooo wanted to stay and bed and sleep some more. But that time isn't here yet, but I will so enjoy being able to do so again when I can.  Sort of like the appreciation I had for doing the same after Basic Training and Tech School. 

Someone gave me a maple bar this morning. Sinfully delicious- I fully expected to pay for it with a panic attack. Instead- Nothing. That is a good sign. Though I'm not the least bit inclined to go on testing that more often.  It's so nice to have a nearly normal day to get things done.

Oh the anxiety is still there in the background, and it will be for a while yet. But it's so good to be able to push it back and have it stay mostly away. 

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 357.

 

Low ebb. Almost depressed. I got my testosterone shot this morning, it helped a bit. As the day goes on I've got a bit more energy. Strangely enough- the last few shots didn't have that kind of effect upon me.  The low ebb- may have something to do with my body's purging of itself. 6 BM's today, as opposed to the usual 2-3.   Helps to digest food in order to turn it into energy. It's rather akin to being on the antidepressants when I first start one.  

Well anyway. I slept in a whole hour. I fully expected to pay for it- so far ...nothing. Occasionally, I get anxiety- during a meal. As if the act of consumption would excite my nervousness. Go figure that one out.

The last couple of 'meditations' after waking up from the relaxation part (falling asleep), I find that I've been able to get closer and closer to an honest meditative state.  That makes me happy. Another sign of healing.

Skin Burn type 2 is off and on.  Sleep is...astounding. I still get the occasional myoclonic jerk, no matter how tired I am.  And  yes I do wake  up quite often during the night- but that's been something that's haunted me since childhood. I've always been a light sleeper.  But last night I awoke, in that feeling where you feel that you need to move to restore blood flow to spots that are in dire need of it? For me I was sure it was around midnight, roughly 4 hours of sleep. I rolled over and noticed that the clock said I'd been asleep no more than an hour and fifteen.

 

I've also noticed that it's easier to focus my eyes more and more often. As that was something that's been plaguing me since that Cortisol Spike storm I had a couple of months ago. Focus = Cross eye your eyes just a bit to see something closer to you. Many were the times that I had to blink repeatedly in order to gain some modicum of focus. Strange feeling that.

 

These Aminos, they're not shortcuts to recovery. But I'll tell you this- they're like shock absorbers on the bumpy road to recovery.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 358.

I've been sleeping better all week. Even though I don't recall any cortisol spikes, one or two mornings my urine is a wee bit cloudy.  But not much. I'm enjoying the rainy weather. It cools off things so nicely at night, where the clouds keep things warm enough to keep the windows open.  Result? This morning- I get at 4, answer nature's call, lie back down and sleep some more. Eventually I'm staring at the ceiling and get up at 5:30.  Some myoclonic jerks last night, but not much.

I'm feeling a bit of fatigue, but I normally do on a cloudy day. I think I had some dreams, but I'm not sure. Of late I get the notion that my sleeps are dreamless.  Yesterday- 7 BM's total. I'm finding myself a bit peckish today. No skin burn at this time. Now I remember- no hunger. This morning, despite the trips to the bathroom, I'd 'normally' be famished. Instead I get up and feel no hunger. The wife wants to go out for breakfast. So I hold off, and just take some tea with some bread and jam. No hunger then, and largely no hunger till after noon. Not even the low blood sugar kind of feeling.

Weird.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 359.

 

I was a bit late taking the aminos yesterday, I forgot to bring my bottle of them to breakfast. The result- last night- minor Cortisol spike, and a bit of sleeplessness until it's time to get up. Some minor anxiety today, and it seems like everything is doing it's best to annoy the heck out of me. Replace two items on an equipment (which would normally cause it to shut down) and suddenly this piece of equipment is like a game of Whack-a-mole. In the end I replace 8 out of 12 components in order to get it running. Sheesh.

I can't simply drop my eyes when pulling them out- oh noes, I have to drop them down the stairwell in an almost impossible to reach position, and I end up scraping my arm skin retrieving them.  And another fine bout of diarrhea, leaving me dehydrated. Gee I wonder why I'm so fatigued at 10 in the morning?

 

Well anyways- I still managed to find something to laugh at. I still have to do the "Mad Scientist" Laugh, in order to get started, but I am finding it easier to laugh from the belly, outloud, the more sleep I get. I'm continuing to work on extending that.

A couple of weeks ago, the wife made me some banana bread with butter as one of it's ingredients. I'm not sure if such had an effect on me. But yesterday the kid made the same stuff out of overripe bananas, using butter. I'm just now remembering that nearly all of last week that I had the bread, I was nauseous a bit after breakfast. That nausea was gone over the weekend, but it returned this morning- after eating some banana bread.  I"m gonna hold off on this stuff for a few days and then try it again.

I may have to have the stuff made with a suitable substitution for butter.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 360.

 

I held off on the Banana Bread made with Butter- result, no nausea this morning.  That's gotta be it. I did get a tiny bit of cortisol spike last night, but along about 3:30. Something I can definitely put up with.  It was enough to cause the urine to go cloudy. 

I was also a bit hungry today, but that's not surprising- considering the amount of trots I've had the last few days.  A nice quiet evening at home. Work on the projects. And a wee bit of road rage this morning. Another fine example of someone who expects a standard out of others he cannot be expected to maintain.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 361.

 

So yesterday- I'm envious. Envious of everyone else- they don't have to put up with this crap. Or so it seems to me. Yesterday on the drive home I see a motorhome/bus conversion. And it made me so envious of that person. Someone so well off that they could not only pay for such a behemoth, but the fuel and upkeep. And assumably a place to keep it. Though I can drive one if need be, I have no desire for one (much). I think what I want was a bit of nostalgia. 20 odd years ago I could and did drive around in a VW van to places around the Western United States. Nowadays- I'm afraid to go beyond city limits. And besides- I cannot simply just drive around, pull over, and take a nap. Oh Noes- I NEED a Cpap to breathe at night, and even with it, it can be a challenge at times. I woke  up last night gasping for breath. The whole kit and kaboodle is working, but....

 

Well anyways, I got a Cortisol Spike, I awoke at 2:45 in the morning. Heart pumping, gasping... but even with all of the trying to fall back asleep- I was able to keep in mind a couple of things. I'm guessing that it took about 45 minutes of dreaming to get to the point that I 'needed' to wake up. Because 2 in the morning is the 'usual' time for a Cortisol Spike. And I do remember dreaming A LOT before the dream turned into a nightmare. Dreams involving military life, loss of control, and events spiraling...Imagine That...

 

And it only took about a half hour to calm down enough to fall asleep again. Whereupon the local neighborhood dog decided he needed to bark at something. So I get woken up AGAIN to listen to a dog bark. But...he shuts  up after a couple more barks and that's it. This is the self same dog I have to listen to every night, before I go to bed. He gets his barking in for 5 minutes- and he's good for the night. Not this time. He wakes me up, and that's his signal to stop barking at a half hour before i get up...

 

So yeah I'm feeling a little paranoid right about now...for some reason.

 

So can Big Pharma 'not know' about this? Answer- They Know. They know damned full well what's going on. And they're sitting on it. Because other folk's suffering isn't as important as their profits.

 

4 more days- and this will have been a year.  Most folks as they get older, don't think of a year as being that big of a deal anymore. After all it just flies past anymore...unless of course, you're suffering hour by hour every day, for that year. Then you comprehend that crap.

 

I'm weary. I'm weary of this crap. But I have no choice, I have to keep going. Because eventually it'll get better to the point of going away. But I want it away NOW. But it won't. It's like every other kind of injury. It comes on immediately and takes a very long while for one to get over it. Flu, stab wounds, surgery, you name it. This stuff is no different. 

 

I was lucky in that my Benzo use was short term. Thus it took only a couple of months to get off of that. And for all I know, this extended withdrawal from the antidepressants could be coupled with that. I don't know. 

 

I forgot to take an Arginine last night. It may have something to do with last night's wake up. See what happens tonight.

 

The skin burn is particularly intense today. It started in my arms last night, and now it's spread to down my back underneath my arms.   Always a new symptom.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 362.

 

I keep trying to make everyday a good day, and it's almost as if a Murphy Entity is doing everything it can to prevent it.  I've got an almost constant skin burn- the one that feels like a sunburn, not the usual. I've no nausea this morning thank goodness. But last night and today, my home Internet access has been flaky at best. So I'm having to do this entry while stealing some time at work. Why the big whoop? Because the internet is one of the few things I've got that can bring me some pleasure. So naturally- I get problems with it.

It just seems to me that life of late has been going out of it's way to make life more difficult. Yeah I know- "It's all small stuff"- well tell that to a camel.  Yes I have air conditioning in my house. But it's also tied to the outdoor temperature. Which makes sense, why cool off the house if the outside is cooler than the inside late at night? Yes, it cools off at night in Oregon- at least where I am. So, get up at 10 in the evening open window and let cool air in, stuffy air out. 12:30- close window because neighborhood dog NEEDS to bark his head off and wake me up.  2 in the morning, wake up from maybe cortisol spike- stare at ceiling for two hours until get up time.

 

It just seems like my entire life has been one set of circumstances after another doing everything it can to prevent me getting a decent night's sleep. When I get that rare beastie I'm usually of a much better temperament during the day- which probably explains why I'm so damned grumpy all of the time. Sometimes I try to stay up a little later to 'shift' my sleep schedule around, and sometimes it helps me get a better sleep, for a day or two. Then it just results in my not getting enough sleep. 

It's just me, griping about the prolonged SSRI withdrawal. I'm coming up on a YEAR of withdrawal since my last dose. I'm working better- but only because I've stumbled across something that seems to help- Amino Acids. But even those don't always seem to do good- like everything, sometimes they're good, sometimes they're not. Yes, things are much improved. But I don't want just a small improvement I want to be free of this completely. 

 

And I can't. I just don't understand the problem here. Why does it have to take so freaking long? Why do we have to take so freaking long? Why are we singled out? I read on the net or watch youtube of those who have gone through a 'hellish' 3 weeks of withdrawal and then they go on with their lives.  But not us, not me, OH NOES!!!! We get the Special Treatment! A withdrawal that just goes on and on and on and on and on!

 

I'm just frustrated. 

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 363.

Headaches, I'm getting headaches regularly and easily of late. I took the morning ensemble of supplements after breakfast and WHAM, it felt like the icepick getting plunged into my head.  It's slowly but surely eased up, but like the anxiety it's still there waiting in the wings.

This morning the arm skin burn, felt like the usual peppermint, and then it morphed into the pepper spray kind. And yesterday it migrated down to just above my wrists, then moved back up again.  Last night I devoted several hours to trying to fix what I thought was the problem with my computer- only to discover that what I thought was fixed, wasn't. It just turned out to be waiting for the opportunity to mess me over. This Cortana that Microsoft has come up with is fiendish. Right now I've got a 1.5 Mbps feed, and this Cortana was bogarting the bandwidth to the tune of 1.4 Mbps. And it seemed to mess with our modem. Now even when my computer isn't running now. But the silver lining- apparently we will be getting a newer modem now, one capable of running 12 Mbps. Apparently the phone company wasn't going to mention this little upgrade because of ..whatever. I can see their point- after all. It'll cost just as much as the old one to run, but with a higher rate. If we kept the old one, they could continue to charge us the same and provide less than others are getting- that's capitalism for ya. 

It's warmer now, and I can feel it at night. Because I continue to wake up every hour or two and either have to go to the bathroom or open/close the window. And of course it's wake up at 2 in the morning and maybe just maybe get some more sleep. But I can definitely fall asleep at 5 to 10 minutes before my get up time.

I get to sleep in tomorrow- but I get the feeling that I will also be paying for that as well.  You can't win for losing here.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 364.

Every freaking night. The local Twatwaffle has to shoot off fireworks. And I wake up at that time- every ...single...time... it's his/her 'constitutional rights!" don't ya know!!!

 

Law Enforcement? Yeah Right, never mind the fact that we're under a fire restriction watch- unless it's a shoot out or an asset seizing drug bust- or a mobile tax collection system aka speed trap- the local constabulary ain't interested in it. And it's an election year- so the local sheriff has got to play nice.

Every morning- after breakfast- nausea. It's been getting slowly better, less intense, not as long lasting. Yesterday, after noon- Anxiety attack, just out of the blue. Joy. A Terminator would've given up by now. But not this spit. I'd swear that there is a freaking conspiracy to keep me from getting decent sleep. 

 

Well anyways- I managed about an hour and a half extra snooze time this morning. yay. Of course I had to deal with minor anxiety for doing so, attached with skin burn at the usual time, and of course position myself in bed to avoid the eye awakening mouth farts. 

How is it- that one can be asleep enough to dream lightly, and  yet still be awake enough to track sounds in the house?

I did have a "blink" moment and noticed an hour had passed.

 

Overcast today- see what happens. It's gonna be a good day- it has to be. It will be.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 365.

 

A year ago, today- I took my last bit of antidepressant.

07/26/15
I've been off the antidepressant for almost two weeks. I've been getting anxiety attacks and I've been feeling loopy quite often. When I do my daily meditation- invariably I fall asleep.

Even though- I tapered down, there is still one helluva big difference between a less than therapeutic dose- and nothing.  But now, well over a year later- I've got experience.  I've gone through the Benzo w/d, and I've got experience going through Anti-d w/d. Now I know what I can expect, and with the Benzo W/D I've got tools to draw upon to help me through it all.

So I'm determined to make it through. It's not easy. But if the Benzo W/D showed me anything- getting off of a psychotropic drug is worth the price of discomfort.

 

0000

 

I wanna say I agree with that last statement. Deep down I do. I'm still naive enough to say it's worth it. 

Things have improved. I didn't wake up anxious today- just a bit depressed. Sleeping in does seem to have that effect. That or delaying my morning aminos to indulge the wife in her desire to have breakfast out.  A workout seems to have lifted my spirits a bit- as does some household chores. But as always- the battle continues. I get depressed- I wish to sleep more. Or, I wish to spend more time in bed. But the end result is- I don't sleep effectively. So, I must get up.

 

Anxiety

 

or 

 

Depression

 

With the occasional- refreshed feeling, in the morning. Not often enough. 

Another overcast morning. But I did the best I could. Spending time with the beloved was nice. Spending time with the daughter as she helped with household chores was nice too. The wife and I's teamwork on the yard- was productive. 

I guess what I'm saying is- I have to force myself to not dwell on the downside.  That is a self defeating spiral. 

Even though I SOOOO wanted some coffee this morning.

 

Well tomorrow- marks the beginning of the Second Year. Next Year will bring Significant Improvements. I know this.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 366.

The Second Year begins. Last night no myoclonic jerks, and practically NO restless leg.  I could've used all that during the weekend.  Well better late than never. The morning nausea is at it's lowest ebb. But I wonder if eating some banana bread with poppy seed was a good idea or just plain paranoia.

 

My memory improves a bit. I'm able to recall things better. I can usually recall a word within a couple of minutes without looking it up- most times. The mental hurdle I've gotten most times when attempting to form sentences during a conversation has for the most part been reduced to just the occasional- and for the most part is barely noticeable. 

 

I've been dragging a bit of late- I'm half tempted to just simply try for a nap when I get home and do a meditation later on. Wait and see what happens. 

And as usual, the Wild Turkeys wait until I start to fall asleep before jumping onto my roof.

[SquirrellyGirl]

Congratulations on your anniversary, RCC!  What an accomplishment!  I know it will generally get better and better.  Keep the graph in mind from this video:  Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

SG

[Rockingchaircat]

Congratulations on your anniversary, RCC!  What an accomplishment!  I know it will generally get better and better.  Keep the graph in mind from this video:  Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

SG

Thanks SG! It's good to get any kind of good advice. I wish you all the best in  your recovery.

 

Day 367.

 

Yeah I know, but I don't know 'know'. Things are a bit better now. But that will change. It always does. I think that the latest grousing was my focusing on the bad. The anniversary- is something to not dwell upon. There is only- The Now. 

 

The last few nights- minor myoclonic jerks- usually involving the the middle three toes of my right foot- and some twitches of the arm or leg. Last night after the Bloody Turkeys landed on the roof I'm up and about because I've been awoken and I'm insomniac for a bit.

I swear those freaking birds KNOW when I'm falling asleep.  The night before last I waited 15 minutes longer than usual to go to bed. Just as I'm drifting off- they land on the roof. Last night- I go to bed early, just as I'm falling asleep- they land on the roof. They don't land all at once- oh noes!  They take turns.

This morning- skin burn has come and gone. Most times it's at a "am I imagining it?" level. But occasionally- it's of the Altoid mind burn in the right arm for a couple minutes, then a couple minutes of pepper spray, then it goes away. Weird.

 

I've been a bit hungrier of late. But I've been avoiding the sweets. I've also been awakening a lot of late during the night. But somehow I'm not as badly out of sleep like I've been for most of the year. I can function, and yesterday I was able to take (and pass) a technical course for a new piece of equipment. 

 

I looked at Squirrely Girl's web video, and one of the 'how to heal faster' vids- Essentially I've been doing it all. Though I wonder if perhaps I've overlooked the Omega 3's of late... 

Mine Edema of the legs has been weird. My left leg is now more noticeable when it comes to obvious edema. The right, is there, but nowhere near as much.  No Cortisol Spikes for the last few days, but I wake up quite often from a nightmare- the blood pressure is high, but it doesn't keep me awake for long. It's the restless leg that's the real annoyance.

[scallywag]

RCC: check the side effects of your current drugs and supplements for edema. I found that edema was listed as a side effect of vitamin B3 or niacin.

[Rockingchaircat]

RCC: check the side effects of your current drugs and supplements for edema. I found that edema was listed as a side effect of vitamin B3 or niacin.

I will do so.

 

Day 368.

 

Last night- almost no myclonic jerks, no turkeys on the roof, no restless leg.= Much better sleep. Someday I will have weeks of this. Every day closer to it.  A wee bit of nightmare about 2 in the morning. Yep. That's about the time the room is suddenly freezing. Yet half an hour later- it's fine.

Yet I manage an extra hour or two of sleep- nice. Not exactly refreshed, but better.

 

2 minutes ago, back of the upper arms- skin burn (peppermint), now it's one arm (left) and it's fading. 

Yes, the brain is akin to a Rubik's cube when it comes to resetting itself. A many month resetting.

[downtongirl]

Happy belated anniversary Rockingchaircat!  I am very happy for you that you have made it a year.  Are you a year antidepressant free?

 

Also, I have been reading some of your posts in the symptoms care links and I see that you take some amino acids....I know that 5htp, st. johns wart, l-trypophan should not be taken with antidepressants but was wondering if L-theanine and taurine is ok to take while you are tapering antidepressant?

[Rockingchaircat]

RCC: check the side effects of your current drugs and supplements for edema. I found that edema was listed as a side effect of vitamin B3 or niacin.

According to this: https://medlineplus.gov/druginfo/natural/924.htmlNiacin (Vitamin B3) is used to treat edema. Amongst other things...

[Rockingchaircat]

Happy belated anniversary Rockingchaircat!  I am very happy for you that you have made it a year.  Are you a year antidepressant free?

 

Also, I have been reading some of your posts in the symptoms care links and I see that you take some amino acids....I know that 5htp, st. johns wart, l-trypophan should not be taken with antidepressants but was wondering if L-theanine and taurine is ok to take while you are tapering antidepressant?

Thank you. Yes I'm a year free from Antidepressant. It's been hell.

 

OK to take while tapering?

 

Honestly? I don't know.

 

But I've chosen those (Theanine, Tyrosine, and Taurine) aminos, because they're all Neurotransmitter Precursors. Which is what 5-HTP, Tryptophan, are.also. I'd recommend not being on them until such time as  you've had a chance to flush the antidepressant from your body.

 

*Sorry*.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 369.

 

Yesterday was a stressful day- long drive to work place, long drive back- (overtime which I detest), and panicked running around trying to figure out how to do something under a time limit. I got the anxiety (normal for such) and yet I was able to calm myself down the few times needed. And get the work done.

"Normally" such would've been enough to end the window I'm enjoying (very much so). But apparently it hasn't yet. Result- another halfway decent night's sleep- I overslept this morning.  (two minutes, but still!). I have observed of late that my blood pressure has been elevated during my sleep times. Along with the need (?) to breath deeply. But this has been interspersed with 'suddenly' not needing to. A half hour before getting up- pulse pounding, deep breathing, and then....wham! Blood pressure drops, breathing is barely noticeable.  And....I fall asleep- oversleeping....

 

I'm thinking that this too is part and parcel of the withdrawal. Because it's not something usual...go figure.  Right now- pulse is not noticeable, and shallow breaths- I'm good.

[scallywag]

A window robust to an anxiety-provoking event? Cool.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 370.

 

My third day of unexpected Overtime. Long story short- Time Wasting Morons- for a drive that takes two hours- one way. Today- 3 hours of overtime. Many of the work projects I'd hoped to get done? Nada.  Some progress on a problem that could've saved 3 hours of overtime if someone had simply did what they said they'd do.

 

Beset by the usual frustrations- I'd almost get the notion that someone was trying to load on the problems enough to get me to have a hissy fit, and thus end, my window. More problems I learn of at home, special needs daughter gets mistreated by a banking employee, and the wife got scared by some moron who got her to swerve out of his way when he deliberately crossed the middle line, she could hear him laughing when he passed.

 

But all things being equal- it's still a good day. I still laughed at most if not everything.  If some nit noid Event Proctor in the universe was in fact trying to Camel Straw me- it failed.  It's rather pathetic in it's attempts.  Oh sure I got some fatigue, but I'm not surprised, the morning task I had interrupted was roads and grounds maintenance for someone else who couldn't be bothered with it. But it was a good feeling to see a site that I'd had responsibility for before, start to look good again.

 

And near that site- I saw a Deer Doe standing in the middle of a field. Which was strange, until I saw a thirsty fawn getting suck. Adorable little tyke. And near the site, were some Shetland Ponies. They adored the carrots I brought them, and appreciated the apple slices too.

[scallywag]

If some nit noid Event Proctor in the universe was in fact trying to Camel Straw me- it failed.  It's rather pathetic in it's attempts. 

 

Rockingchair -- I'm not sure what the first sentence means but both your contempt and your victory are conveyed.

[Rockingchaircat]

 

If some nit noid Event Proctor in the universe was in fact trying to Camel Straw me- it failed.  It's rather pathetic in it's attempts. 

 

Rockingchair -- I'm not sure what the first sentence means but both your contempt and your victory are conveyed.

 

If there is an Intelligence in charge of Daily Events, I've gotten the notion a long time ago, that it's out to make my life difficult.  It'd take a long while to explain- but in my 50+ years I get the notion that I'm getting picked on.  But that could just be natural paranoia.

 

Day 371.

 

I didn't get much sleep last night, but no Cortisol spikes- even though for the first time in a week- Cloudy Urine in the morning- which the C/S seem to create.

 

I've got a rather nice little headache that's migrating but not letting up in it's intensity.  I will still have a good day. 

I intend to go to the Lane County fair later- and see how well my entry did, or for that matter see if it's still intact.

 

I must say it's nice to be able to still laugh at life, despite what it so obviously intends to throw at me.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 372

Eventually the headache from yesterday let up, it took awhile. My entry in the fair got second place in it's category.  I slept in this morning despite the pepper spray skin burn that cropped up in the middle of the night. Along the back of both arms and at it's peak- all the way across my back arm level. I'm still getting it. But it's been coming and going.  Today I went and saw Ghostbusters- and it was hilarious!  It's good to be able to laugh out loud again.  And the dramatic scenes? Oh wow! That was good to feel such a wave after wave of goosebumps.  Which made my skin burn go away for awhile. I'll be shooting for a little more sleep tonight, as I was up late last night attempting to achieve a feat in an online game I've been distracting myself with. (Nope didn't achieve it).

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 373

 

Relatively speaking- I slept like a log. Which is rather appropriate since it's so freaking hot in Oregon now. Like a log being that I managed to almost get a decent night's sleep, and my head felt like it was filled with sawdust for most of the morning. When I eat something I get anxious, after which I'm feeling fatigued. Yet all of this doesn't last more than about 10 to 15 minutes at a time.  All in all it is getting better, but like everyone else- I want it to be over and done with.  Sleeping in on the weekends is a double edged sword at best. I MAY get a bit more sleep in the morning, but I invariably pay for it with a headache or some other form of abuse.

Today, the arm skin burn has been absent, up until I got upset with a computer program at work. Then the peppermint mint feel is back temporarily. 

I like the extended sunlight, but I don't care for the heat.

[downtongirl]

Glad you got some good sleep and are feeling well...question....why do you think eating flares your symptoms up?

[Rockingchaircat]

Glad you got some good sleep and are feeling well...question....why do you think eating flares your symptoms up?

I don't know. Honestly. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.

 

Day 374.

Not so good sleep last night. Despite going to bed early, and sleeping hard enough to not notice turkey's on the roof. Cortisol spike at 2:30 in the morning. Little to no restful sleep later. I've had doubts as to whether or not the last 2-3 weeks if the morning urine is cloudy or not- this morning, all doubt removed. I have to drive 2 hours from work to a job site. I do it, but I end up having to pull over a couple times and stamp my feet or slap myself driving to keep myself awake. I get some minor things done- because I'm supposed to meet someone at a certain time- maybe I can take a power nap waiting for him. Guess what? He's early. 

I manage a power nap on my lunch break while he's doing what he needed to.  Within 10 minutes, anxiety flares up. For the next 2.5 hours it comes and goes. Finally on the way back to the office, it gives a final flare and it's gone. I develop an appetite.

If I had to hazard a guess- the windows are coming more often. But the waves seem just a bit more intense when they reoccur.  Let's see what tomorrow brings.  

The last few days- I urinate during the day a bit more. Last week I drove to the same spot I did today- No problem driving for 2 hours without a potty break. This time- problem. I saw the Ghostbusters movie on Sunday- my daughter whom normally breaks at least once in the middle does not. I have to.  During last weeks window- a couple of times a night once to the bathroom, last couple- two to three times.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 375.

 

This morning I've experienced: Depression/Demotivation, Anxiety, Deep Hunger, urgent need to use the bathroom (while driving to work), Despair, Irritation, and all around crankiness. Somehow, I managed to get a wee bit more sleep last night. Despite the heat. And hyperosmia. It's comes and goes. Though it does seem to occur most often whenever I'm passing that slaughterhouse on the way into work.  Right now, it's a headache. I just have to wait a few minutes and see what happens with it. Skin burn, comes and goes. And urine, I've been peeing like a race horse.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 376. 

Wake up at 2:35, not get back to sleep, for longer than a few seconds. Yet strangely enough- I'm not too terribly tired. But it's been a strange morning: I've been cycling between 1) Depression, 2) Anxiety, 3) Fatigue, 4) Nada/'Normal'. Arrival at work I was ready to pull over and have a good cry- 15 minutes later (no cry) but I'm strangely good. At 10 this morning- suddenly I feel like a window, 20 minutes after that..etc. etc...I'm hungry at times, Even during the depressive phases. I felt goosebumps during a song on the radio, during a depressive moment- which seemed to clear it up for a bit.

Of course part of the sadness: A Good Friend is leaving. She's going to be out of touch. I will miss her. But her situation has changed.  And a housecat who has lived with us for 15 years was in dying mode last night/this morning. She's not been eating much of late, and this morning she refused food and water- despite the heat. She found herself an out of the way spot and chose to stay there.  She'd lost a massive amount of weight.  Fur/Bones/Whiskers. It's time for her final trip to the vet. This was a cat who disappeared for a  year. We think someone snatched her, and eventually she escaped and managed to find her way home. Her personality changed something fierce in the interim. But we've always accommodated her quirks. She had two siblings. One other disappeared at the same time, and he never showed back up. The other one got suddenly skittish, and never got over it. She died a couple of years ago- intestinal cancer. And now it's her turn. Jeez Louise. 

[scallywag]

I'm sad to read that your quirky feline is in her last days.

[Rockingchaircat]

I'm sad to read that your quirky feline is in her last days.

Thankyou  Scallywag.

Unfortunately- she didn't live out the day. We buried her last night.

 

Day 377.

 

This morning was a lot less of the weird arsed emotional rollercoaster that I'd been having the last couple of days. Almost nothing at this point. Some skin burn and fatigue. It kinda feels like the post Nasty Fatigue Day type, but no where near as debilitating as had been in the past. LIke everything else- I just need to push through it. It could be simple fatigue- but I'm not a betting man when it comes to the sneakiness of these symptoms. The last couple mornings I forgot to take a banana with me to work to eat after the aminos of the morning. But the rollercoaster had started up almost from the get up. So it may not be connected. Plus I did eat the bananas this morning- but I had not much of the usual rollering prior.  

Normally I'd go out for a walk outside to offset the nap hunger- but it's been like a blast furnace (relatively- this IS Oregon), and thus when I come back inside to cool air I immediately start getting sleepy from the temperature change. You can't win.

But I am feeling better in several ways- almost as if this wave is receding (Yeah Right!) But if it is- then this is a possible indication that my window/wave ratio is about even perhaps even starting to tilt in favor of windows.

Because even in the windows, I still get some 'normal' anxiety that is easily dealt with.   But it's also easier for me to laugh.

Yeah laughter, I've been working on that too. Someone presented me with a small present- Little Golden Books with Grumpy Cat. I honestly laughed at it. Just the thought of it. I have been rather grumpy the last couple of years...

 I wonder why

The weather will cool off a bit, and I will hopefully start getting better sleep. I woke up at 2:30 last night, and maybe napped a bit until it was time to get up.  But all this morning I only got sleepy after a meal for about an hour after. The price of eating.

I had to drive to the coast today. There it was 61 F (16 C), here at home it's supposed to be 96 F (35 C) for a high. Nice huh?

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 378.

 

I didn't sleep in, but this morning was a good one.  I didn't get any Cortisol spikes. And I was enjoying life. Up until I started driving my daughter around and it seemed that safe drivers were a scarcity. No less than 4 times in less than an hour I'd have been creamed if I hadn't been more alert- for some reason this upset me and for a bit I was losing my cool. I'm feeling better now that I'm at home and relaxed, I did some fun things at home that I enjoy doing, and the resulting stress/skin burn seems to have subsided. The usual sleepiness at 1 in the afternoon- I'm not one for siestas.

My appetite is there, but I've been having anxiety attacks and the like- but they don't last long. 10 -15 minutes and they're gone.  This is weird

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 379.

 

Yesterday was intriguing- I got a Cortisol spike, and the subsequent cloudy urine after. What was intriguing about that? It occurred in the middle of the afternoon. Instead of at night. I went home after the idiot drivers made it difficult to stay calm, and just basically hung around the house trying to enjoy the small things. Along about 2:30 in the afternoon- a bit of anxiety attack. After I went to the loo- and discovered the cloudiness. Nothing after. Nothing in the middle of the night either.

And it's been by and large- relatively anxiety/depression free since. Aka- another window.  I could get used to shorter and shorter waves.  Hell we all could.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 380.

I've incorporated a 500 mg Arginine capsule in amongst my evening (after dinner) pill salvo. The end result? I'm sleeping a bit better. Which seems to make it easier to get through the day without a spit load of panic attacks. I still get the occasional symptom of something or another- but they're more subdued and don't last for very long. So far at least. 

 

I look forwards to seeing if this continues.  It's nice to be able to enjoy the little things in life. I still get the occasional myoclonic tics in my feet at night, and I'm still waking up a lot during the night, but I've been sleeping deeper more often. I did get a small bit of cloudiness in this morning's urine, but nothing to be concerned about.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 381

 

The Arginine seems to be working well. Another halfway decent night's sleep. i'm still waking up in the regular times. But I'm getting more rest. No Cortisol spikes last night along with no cloudy urine in the morning. Yesterday whilst 'meditating' I got a sudden body jerk- it didn't occur again. And the danged turkeys again on the roof last night- JUST as I was falling asleep.  Now this Arginine isn't a cure, as along with the aminos. I'm still getting a lot of the symptoms, but they're no where near as intense. 

And I've got a whole lotta of other cognition problems along with sleep issues to deal with. But the best thing? I can function in a work environment and feel like i"m contributing again.  True, I have to take somethings easier, but that's inevitable, and necessary.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 382.

The usual- with a new improvement- I woke at 2 this morning- rolled over, went back to sleep for an hour and a half. Checked the toilet upon arising- normal urine- Nice.  Weird dream. These sleeping through the usual 'stare at the ceiling for a couple of hours' stints seem to be increasing.  I can live with that.

The myoclonic jerks have lessened, I still get the restless leg urge- but even that is nowhere as near intense. Last night I was able to not indulge in it- it was that weak. 

Today was a busy day at work. Plenty of opportunities for anxiety. Plenty came, but they didn't stay.

 

Drinking a sugar water in any format- Gatorade, or lemonade, seems to trigger the tummy anxiety. Though eating some foods will do so if I've been hungry for a bit too. It's hit or miss right now.

And when the anxiety does come- it doesn't stick around.

I have noticed that for an hour after eating anything sweeter than 'normal' I get a bit of lassitude. It can be intense as wanting to fall asleep while driving, or getting brain fog. Invariably I have to fight it off. But it pays off in that when it's time to sleep, I do sleep pretty deeply.

 

The last few nights- I wake up and think that I've been asleep for hours- I'm feeling that bombed. A look at the clock tells me it was only a half hour or a full hour instead.  Weird.

 

Yes I'm pushing myself. I'm letting my body know what I expect out of it.  Eventually it'll get the point.