success ☼ Rockingchaircat: recovery from psychotropic drugs that were prescribed willy nilly.

[AliG]

Ok. I have a cpap problem too.  I get it .

[Rockingchaircat]

Ok. I have a cpap problem too.  I get it .

Oh, I'm sorry- what kind of problem are you having with yours? I Detest having to need a CPAP to breathe, ever since that botched intubation. About the only thing it's good for (after being able to breathe at night) is it's good for is sleeping under the covers.

 

Day 518

 

It was after the drive through the fog and waiting for breakfast to be delivered- that it hit me: No Brain Fog concomitant with the weather fog. That. Is a definitive improvement. And this morning- I tried out some REAL (non-decaf) coffee. It was just half a cup, and then decaf for the rest. So far so good.

A couple of days ago, I had a rice krispie treat that was made with butter- I went ahead and ate it- no side effects that I could tell at this time.

My internal body heat regulator- whatever it is, has improved. Last year during the not-quite-as-cold-as-this-year 'cold weather' I was freezing all of the time even indoors. This year?  Well yesterday I went bicycling in sub zero (Fahrenheit) weather. Chilly yes, but tolerable.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 519.

 

For kicks and giggles I went ahead and had a much larger cup of regular coffee this morning. And as a result: It's been interesting. I keep getting an anxiety attack, but instead of the usual 'sunburn' level of anxiety, I get a 'dutch rub' level of anxiety. I think I'm going to hold off on regular coffee for a few days now  But on the flip side, I've not been getting quite so sleepy during the day that I usually do. 

Now this MAY all be due to the coffee or it MAY NOT, as I had a cortisol surge last night/nightmare. So the coffee may just have fanned the flames so to speak.

 

I have to admit- this anxiety is tenacious. Well I just have to out stubborn it.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 520.

 

Regular decaf today, still just a wee bit anxious. It's about a level about 1/4 what it was yesterday. I'm finding myself dragging a bit and just a bit depressed. But that could be more to do with the Electoral College Vote.  I am living in those times even bored grade school kids want to read about.  

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 521

 

Life is a pain. I get a new CPAP today, of which I have to take time off of work to go get, and fork out a couple of hundred dollars to meet the deductible. The Insurance company griping every step of the way- How DARE I use my paid for benefits. Who do I think I am? 

It'd definitely a wave. Anxiety flared up this morning and affecting my sleep (where have I encountered THAT before?) it's died down, but it's also at the point where I'm despairing. You just want the good times to keep going. But NOOOOOO! Your body refuses, simply refuses to let it happen, it's like it's against it's religion to let you have a halfway decent life again.

I'm griping. It seems like every god damned day there is another symptom to deal with and try to work something out to make it better. And sometimes it seems like what does work, won't this time around. Yesterday I was dragging, today I'm anxious, with blood pressure changes, often going high, or my heartbeat goes faster. 

And the dragging part? It dissipates along about the time to go home, and the fatigue magically goes away when I try to take a nap. The itchy skin has quieted down, but I'm sure it'll come back, it always does. Cloudy urine? Not for some time. So there is that at least. Though I've no idea what was making it cloudy. Now I just get the Cortisol spikes without the cloudy urine.  And it happened again- I see 3:30 in the morning twice in a row. I doze for a bit and see the time: 3:30, I close my eyes and open them again and it's 3:27. It'd be nice if I could count on that on a regular basis. Go to bed along about 8:30, get up at midnight or so for a nature call. Wake up an hour before rise time and wonder if it's worth getting up to pee, and whether or not I'll be able to catnap before getting up for full- or I'll just lay there staring at the ceiling.  OR stay in bed and try to sleep with a semi-active bladder Until it's time to get up.

 

Oh I'll keep going, I have to. And somehow I'll find the humor in this situation.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 522

 

I felt good this morning- before having anything. I don't know why- it just came out of the blue. All in all, despite all of the nitnoid problems today- I still feel somewhat better. It could be the lack of the general anxiety. Though I did get a spot or two here and there. I'm not as tired as I have been. Now after the feeling, I made breakfast, and I included a small amount of regular coffee grounds in amongst the decaf coffee grounds. I'm gonna be doing that in an effort to get used to regular coffee again.

Why do that? If I can get used to coffee and it's caffeine, then I have a better chance of being able to put up with other stimulants such as chocolate or Chai. And goodness knows there are times I need it.

Why the push for coffee? Because I still think it's good for my memory and I still have a phobia about Alzheimer's. The blood pressure continues STILL too high. And today my eyes have been blurrier than 'normal'. Fog in the valley, and I've been trying to angle somehow someway to fight the congruent brain fog that comes along with meteorological fog.

 

I am whelmed.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 523

 

One reason why I felt good a couple of days ago: I managed to realize that I loved my daughter. And that I finally got a chance to remember that I loved her, and loved my wife as well. You see- my feelings were absent under the latter days of the Anti-depressant.  Oh I could feel a lot of things like rage or anger or small smatterings of things- but not for very long and invariably- shallowly.  So if I did lose either of them under the all too possible circumstances of a Trump Tyranny- I will have had the chance to truly be able to feel my love for them again.

I think that's the main thing that got me, that with all of the screwed up things in the world, we have to create such things as to make us not feel.  It's bad enough that so many evil things come about because of indifference (Syria), but to purposely allow significant portions of us to continue on not feeling?

My time with my family is precious to me now. That's a gift. A gift that I didn't appreciate for far too long.

 

As it is now- my Circadian rhythm is still royally screwed up. I find myself still just a bit flooded with a 'need' to nap or sleep during the day.  Yet when I get home, and the time comes for a meditation/nap i'm wide awake. I fall asleep at night, yet I wake up continuously and often stare at the ceiling. And I still get the cortisol spikes, but not as intensely.The new cpap seems to help a bit.

 

And all too often I will forget something important- I think of something to write about, put it into a 'hold bag' and promptly lose the bag. Now I remember- it took a bit of diversion: 3 day wave. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. A wave that lasted 3 days. I'm counting that as a good thing.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 524

 

I forgot my phone today. Which meant that I missed a text message reply from someone I'd been meaning to help. Now I seem like an ignorant f**k.  The opportunity to help someone who has stage 3 breast cancer- is gone. All because my forgetfulness flared up on something important- AGAIN.

 

I've been doing this it seems for all my life. Something important- and it seems like life just conspires to end up making me look bad or have me doing something incredibly stupid. 

And today I awoke cranky, and have been cranky ever since. I don't know what it is, but I'm just short tempered, even AFTER going for a bike ride (which normally cheers me up a bit) But what the hey- I got rained on during a partly cloudy sky. The rain hung around just waiting for the opportunity....well good thing I didn't go riding without my jacket- which was an inclination I had.

 

I'm trying to remember how to cry.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 525

 

Life is a nightmare in which I keep getting sucked back into.  Last night I lost it and had a meltdown. I smashed things, I kicked things, I bled. And why? Because the wife was crying. And she wouldn't tell me why.

She came home from work, had an hour long nap, and like usual I expected her to get on the computer like she always does and immerse herself in the internet for hours and hours and hours. But apparently she didn't. She apparently had a flareup of her sciatica and sat and cried silently. She didn't have anything to eat, she didn't make any discernable noise for the longest while and so I assumed that she was just fine with whatever it was she was doing surfing the net.

And so I'm getting ready to go to bed and close my door and THEN is when she finally breaks her crying jag silence long enough and just loud enough to hear her. I set aside my hurt long enough to see what's wrong. I'm trying to find out what's wrong, but she won't talk to me, and I don't understand what her gestures are supposed to mean and after this long ass day of my screwing things up I just go ballistic.

Eventually she does talk and is able to get across what's wrong (that she woke up from her nap, and sat down cold). That's about it, her sciatica flared up and she couldn't move, and most annoyingly wouldn't say anything. Not make any noise loud enough for me to hear or bang something together to get my attention. It's like I'm supposed to read her mind from all the way across the house.

I'm not supposed to 'badger' her by asking what's wrong. I'm just supposed to ask once and wait. But after many minutes of waiting and not getting anything coherent or even getting an acknowledgement that I said anything.

We've ben through this I don't know how many times.  And every single god damned time we've worked out something when she's not feeling this way- that she'll use to try and communicate she ends up not doing it. It just seems that nothing I can do will do any good.  And that's the kind of mindfucking I can do without. 

 

No I didn't touch her.  I did smash a couple of items of mine own. Things I'm gonna miss. 

 

I got her off of the couch, managed to help her to bed. Found out what she wanted/needed, and made her some food. Once she'd eaten I tucked her to bed for her sleep. And me? I spent an extraordinary amount of time staring off into space.  Because it just feels right. When she was eating, she asked me what I was doing and I told her- staring off into space. 

Away with the fairies. It just gets so damnably overwhelming that you just want the **** to stop- but it won't. It just keeps coming at you. So you just sit and stare, cause nothing else does any good. So you just sit and take it and take and take it all. Like a rock in a stream. And like a rock in a stream,  you can feel just a little bit more of you wear away.

 

Oh yeah, it's Christmas.

[Rockingchaircat]

I cried today. God I needed to do that ****.

[lillylou]

Hopefully today is a little better for you

[direstraits]

((((Rcc))))

 

this can be so hard on a marriage....don't be too hard on yourself...xo

[Rockingchaircat]

Hopefully today is a little better for you

 

 

((((Rcc))))

 

this can be so hard on a marriage....don't be too hard on yourself...xo

 

Today was better.  I took the family to see Rogue 1.  I wouldn't exactly call it 'fun'. But it was the Star Wars Prequel that was needed. Not the ones Mr. Lucas created instead.  Too much death to be fun.  It explains a lot.

 

Day 526

 

I feel broken. I feel like a bone that was broken and not set properly. 

Oh yes I felt well enough to joke around with the wife, and well enough to hide my physical hurts. I may have broken a bone or two in one of my hands and the same in one of my feet. 

 

I ******* HATE Christmas.  There, I said it.

 

Some coworkers of mine mentioned and laughed over something before we went home last Friday. They were chortling over an article some dude wrote about disciplining an unruly child- by making  up a number of fake Xmas presents. (Empty Boxes- beautifully wrapped). Kid acts up- toss one or two of the fakes into the fireplace.

 

That brought back a memory I'd forgotten. I've been getting a lot of old memories back of late. Even thought I keep forgetting so many important things in the here and now. Dropping the kid off at her place yesterday- I forgot my phone AGAIN. 

Well anyways- the memory. That little tidbit about tossing fake Xmas presents into the fireplace?  My dad did that.  Only with a difference.  The boxes weren't empty.

 

I'm surprised I'd forgotten that. Because I remember remembering it for so long. I don't know, is that one reason why I take so long to start using something that I'd gotten as a gift? Maybe, I dunno.

I remember no few times I was told that something was 'mine'. Ha! Mine until the Old Man got pissy about something.  

And family get togethers with the distant members. What a wonderful time to be humiliated in front of everyone.

Ha. 

He and I haven't spoken in nearly ten years. And I'm still hurting from him.

 

So yeah- I doing better. Good movie. Took the wife and kid to breakfast- The Original Pancake House. Nice stuff. I even managed freeze my butt off doing the evening bike ride. A finger or two got totally numb due to the cold.  It's nice to be numb once in a while. 

 

I got paranoid a couple of times. Thought I had someone trying to get confrontational. I found myself relishing the opportunity. I hope I don't get into one. I'm gonna have to avoid it- one way or another. 

Why is the wife getting her sciatica? Cause she's out delivering mail. It's that time of year. There is a MASSIVE load of mail to deliver. Packages. She fills her rig  up with packages. She got called in to work every day last week, to help deliver. And everyday- it's JUST PACKAGES. She fills her rig up, several times a day, and delivers them all (most of them). 

 

Why does she keep silent? Because her Old Man was just like mine. It's one thing we have in common. And she will hide her pain and her inability to do something, even from me. Long past the point of sanity. And I think that's what hurts me the most. She keeps shutting me out.  But in the end, I cannot blame her. 

 

I remember somewhere, some story, about some entity that wanted to destroy humanity. And how would he do it?  He'd present each human a little device. This device had a button on it. Pressing the button would cause the person to be erased from history.  It would make it like you never existed. No one would even remember that you existed. 

 

I'd love to press that button.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 527

 

Another day. More high blood pressure. More overactive bladder. Another anxiety attack. You want a decent night's sleep? Forget it.  Gotta get up and whiz ever couple of hours.  I don't drink much in the way of water- but I still gotta whiz anyways. Of late it seems like the anxiety and the overactive bladder has shifted from morning to afternoon. And of course- excessive sleepiness all day long, means I'm dragging.

I'm trying to put on a good face for everyone else. Not always easy.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 528

 

A wee bit of restless leg last night. About 5 minutes worth, while waiting to fall asleep after that- I realized something else. That I cannot remember the last time I felt any skin burn in my arms. But I do remember that when it did- it got severely intense the last time. I"m hoping that the mood swing I got a couple of days ago will follow the same route. 

A couple of anxiety attacks today. Or not- it may be entirely coincidental that I had to drive to the coast and there were numerous patches of black ice due to the fog in the valley. To the Engineer who invented anti-lock brakes: Thank You!

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 529

 

No restless leg last night. Which is weird. Because in the past months, when I get restless leg- I get it and keep it for several days. A one one is out of the ordinary.

I am having some cognition problems though.  During the drive into work, I thought I saw something in the fog ahead, a big round blob that i thought might have been 'something'. It turned out to be a minor and quick....for lack of a better term: Hallucination. It caused me to slow down in preparation for avoiding hitting something.  And later in the day I was looking at a postcard and trying to figure out what the cover was- for a bit there it seemed that there were two human figures that appeared to be covered in some sort of sheeting, each, that covered their faces and bodies. Then- it clicked. It was a photo of two standing meerkats. 

And the mood swings coupled with paranoia. I hope those pass, it's gotten way past tiresome.

[Rockingchaircat]

Piece by piece the Elves continue to nibble away at my sanity.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 530.

 

A couple of minor anxiousness attacks. I still find myself getting short tempered. So I'm careful about things.  I am finding that my blood pressure has been fluctuating. It does spike a bit for a while every now and then. But even when it's not so high, my heartbeat is elevated. And the bladder has been quite active of late. I've been looking into natural diuretics- since I just cannot trust Medicos and their pill pushing anymore. 

I've been slowly incorporating an ever increasing dose of regular coffee into my decaf. Which may have something to do with my blood pressure, or not. I'm just determined to get over this whole thing. My life is coming back, but not quickly enough for me.

[Rockingchaircat]

What have I done to deserve the wife I have?  The last few years during my behavior changes due to the Anti-depressants and Benzodiazepines, and the subsequent withdrawals from them all- cannot have been easy on her. 

Yet she still forgives me and I still strive to be worthy of her.

A couple of days ago she was playing text tag with me, and I conceded a point to her (that she loved me MORE). - OK you win. She then demanded to know- what her prize was. I mentioned: A Kiss. Whereupon she gave a cry of triumph.

And with such I prepped for my arrival at home before she would be there. I stopped at a store on the way home and got want I desired, whereupon I left it in a dish in plain sight upon her desk. (The first place she'd attend to upon arrival). When she arrived and I heard her laughing out loud I knew she'd found it:

 

A single Hershey's chocolate Kiss.

 

But, alas, she still INSISTED upon a regular one from me.

[lillylou]

Your wife sounds like a gem, important to keep supportive people like that in your life. She knows that your withdrawal isnt what defines you, glad you had a good moment in your day.

[Rockingchaircat]

Your wife sounds like a gem, important to keep supportive people like that in your life. She knows that your withdrawal isnt what defines you, glad you had a good moment in your day.

 

Yes, she is. A Pearl of Great Price.

 

Day 531

 

I woke up around 12:30 last night. It meant that I was solidly asleep for 4 hours. THAT is an accomplishment. And a quite welcome change. Hopefully it'll continue. My lumosity scores have improved quite a bit the last few days. And last night's session, was a quick and short one.   And  yet I managed Top 5 Scores in all of them.  Many of the games are challenging to say the least.

I did sleep in a bit this morning, and then dozed. I also missed some of my amino acid tablets. Yet it didn't seem to affect me too badly. I think I was more worried about realizing I missed them than I was at not taking them.

Cold weather is fun in a way, but it also increases my appetite. Not so good.

Yesterday's meditation- I had another myoclonic jerk in my belly. "Normally" it's the kind like a cat jumped on my tummy-flinch. Instead, this one was just a slight twitch. Odd.  I"m also noticing that my 'Ear Worms' are much easier to get rid of, and that is a good thing.

The first step in meditating/napping is my closing my bedroom door. This is to keep the cats out. It's annoying to start delving into a meditative state and then have your hand bonked by a cat. Yesterday- the cat was hiding somewhere in my room. Rather annoying.

 

There is no such thing as a pill that makes you happy, but the Antidepressants- for me at least, I'd describe as being Arrogance in pill form.

[Rockingchaircat]

It's five and a half hours to Midnight- and already I've counted a dozen mortar type rounds going off around the neighborhood in the last half hour.

 

It's gonna be a long night.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 532

 

That damned fool idiot with the firecrackers woke me up no few times last night. So what little sleep I do get, wasn't enough. I'd soooooo love to give him a taste of his own medicine.

 

While searching the web- I found this video: 

"Weightless" by Macaroni Union. It's been said to help anxiety symtpoms. specifically designed to lower blood pressure, lower the heart rate, and lower cortisol levels.  It seems to be a pretty darned effective placebo.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 533

 

Third and last day of sleeping in.  Which by and large consisted of the usual overactive bladder that resulted in several middle of the night trips to the loo. Attempting to minimize body aches and pains from lying in one position too long, and dealing with the inevitable Cortisol spikes from dreaming.  Much reduced level of spikes, but none-the-less, still present. So I managed to get a few minutes of surf dozing here and there. And the end result? Heightened anxiety levels.  

Still worth it. Anxiety is a given.  I still don't like it, but if no matter what I do brings it on-  I learn to deal with it.

[scallywag]

My parents told the story of a vacation we once took as a family. The accommodations were a cabin which shared a wall with another guest unit, occupied by a group of young college-age people.  At night they were very noisy, probably due to alcohol and other substance consumption. My parents weren't thrilled but fortunately none of the 4 children awoke.  The next morning my siblings and I were rested and rambunctious. My parents made no efforts to shush us and perhaps might have encouraged volume and banging things, much to the chagrin of the hung-over neigbors.

[Rockingchaircat]

My parents told the story of a vacation we once took as a family. The accommodations were a cabin which shared a wall with another guest unit, occupied by a group of young college-age people.  At night they were very noisy, probably due to alcohol and other substance consumption. My parents weren't thrilled but fortunately none of the 4 children awoke.  The next morning my siblings and I were rested and rambunctious. My parents made no efforts to shush us and perhaps might have encouraged volume and banging things, much to the chagrin of the hung-over neigbors.

Would that I could return the favor. Unfortunately the individual involved LOVES to wait anywhere from half an hour to an hour and a half before lighting things up again.  And as soon as he lights them up- he moves.  One day- he'll make a mistake.

 

Day 534

 

It appears that whensoever I decide to achieve some extra sleep time, life likes to try and make sure more 'stuff' happens to make me regret it. I can now achieve extra sleep time on the weekend- but I pay the price for it by an extra bit of anxiety that is reminiscent of the Energizer Bunny.  And as a result the next workday (usually a Monday, but also a Tuesday if I have Monday off) I get super Cranky, Clumsy, and Murphy just loves to mess with me.  I lost an hours worth of work time today because my pants decided to rip near the crotch.  In the sub-freezing weather, during work hours. Big hole. I could list all of the problems I encountered today but it'd take a couple of paragraphs.

It seems life likes to pick on me- little nit noid things, but it's like an avalanche of them.  And i'm already cranky with barely enough sleep as it is. During my lunch break I nodded off. How's that for dangerous? Gee from sub-freezing weather to warm office quiet. I cannot imagine why I fell asleep.

 

Someday.

 

Someday.  I will be over this. But Dang! It's sure taking it's own sweet time to get here- that someday.

[Lawyerliz]

Anything new?

[Rockingchaircat]

Anything new?

Another day another set of anxiety episodes.

 

Day 535

 

I get to enjoy waking up at 2 in the morning again.  It appears that I get to wake up from any kind of dream as if it's a nightmare- regardless. And then I get to try to relax enough to fall asleep for about an hour, and then try not to oversleep till it's time to get up at 3:45.

So- to recap, I can sleep in on weekends without having to worry about oversleeping- and get an increased level of anxiousness and have it last for hours and hours. 

Or- I can not sleep in and be dang tired all day.  But still have to deal with anxiousness for hours. 

Yep.

So the annoying things still occur, I am finding it easier to deal with them.  It appears that my histrionics must be another 'recovery' symptom.  Instead of simply healing up and allowing me to get on with my life, my withdrawal has to invent new symptoms for me to deal with.

Joy.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 536

 

Almost no Cortisol spike last night- I wonder what happened? Result- I got about 15-20 minutes extra sleep. Well perhaps some day Brain-Fog-Upon-Waking-Up will be an occurrence every once in a while instead of a regularity.

 

Lot's o' fun driving around on Black Ice to the coast and back- all the while with the occasional dissociation and the intermittent anxiety attack. Strangely enough when I did hit a patch of black ice I didn't have a fear response then or after for some time. Weird.  I can't say the same for the dude who suddenly decided he HAD to pass me in the available passing zone and nearly fish tailed himself into an accident.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 537

 

Quite chilly the last couple of days, but it warmed up enough to make me desire to go out for a walk. I needed to. I slipped twice on the ice and only fell once. My right arm- the same one I injured during that hissy fit of mine a week or so ago, is hurting in some new spots now that it broke my fall. It promises to be warmer in the next day or three.

Of late I've also been getting flashes of memory- of things long ago. It's similar to the embarrassing memories I'd gotten during my withdrawal, only this time they consist largely of intriguing memories that weren't necessarily embarrassing events. I think of one thing or phrase and then "BAM!" out comes something I'd forgotten about in association.  Weird.

 

The weekend is coming. And here's hoping I get a change in my 'usual' week day routine of waking up an hour and a half before my get up time and NOT stare at the ceiling for that hour and a half.  And NOT get concurrent anxiety attack for my pains.

I've also noticed that the cold weather has been making my hands cold. It's not Raynaud's, but when my hands get just a bit chilled, I tend to lose feeling in them.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 538

 

Weather. It's cold and it started raining/freezing this morning.  Which turned to snow, and is now back to ice pellets.  I just shoveled the walk. The kid is probably going cabin feverish. And I helped the wife put her tire chains on at work. She's out delivering mail right now. 

I ate some food- got antsy and decided to put that energy to work by shoveling.

The anxiety is at a low level, yet, like always- persistent.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 539

 

Stir Crazy. Cabin Fever. Severe Ice Storm watch today- Severe Winter Storm Warning yesterday.   We've got some rain coming down and starting to melt the ice coating the roads, which will make them even more slippery. It's supposed to get to 40 F today, but then it was supposed to do that yesterday- it didn't.

I'm spending WAY too much time on the internet- despite taking care of household chores. Even my Happy Light doesn't help at this point. No cortisol spikes last night- but I still awoke an hour and a half before my usual rise time and stared at the ceiling.

I'm more than tempted to go into town anyways. Anxiety comes and goes.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 540

Somehow I managed an extra bit of sleep and dreaming last night. Of course it had to be extra relaxation on a Monday morning. No sleeping in. This morning- cloudy urine. The first in over a month.  The tuna fish sandwiches I had for dinner may have had something to do with that.  But no memorable Cortisol Spikes.  

Just another day of dealing with the 'recovery'. I did notice that I thought I'd forgotten something somewhere- and I had the devil of a time finding it. "Normally" I'd have had a hissy fit long before I'd find a missing item. This time I was calm. And when I did find it- apparently it had dropped into an unexpected spot. As opposed to the usual- absent mindedness. Lots of snow and slush today. I don't I'm going to be going on a bike ride outdoors today.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 541

 

My area code. I managed to get an extra bit of sleep in. Only one trip to the loo. Mine wife is still hurting something fierce from her back injury flareup. But she perseveres in going to work. I can hear her whimper at times when she rolls over in her sleep, and when she's getting up or sitting down.  I want to help, but there's little I can do, and she's most prideful.

And the person she subs for- is on administrative leave. She had an accident with a company car. Which means the wife has to work 6x a week now to cover.  What little time I get with her now, is going to be curtailed.

Occasionally I can feel the anger surge, I've been working to head it off. And try to be just 'accepting' things as they are. I will be doing that for the rest of my life. Along with trying to get myself to improve how I do things in other aspects of my outlook and existence.

The rain continues- which melts off a lot of the snow. But I imagine that I will need to shovel off a good portion of my sidewalk ice melt.

 

I had the extra sleep but yet still have had some forgetful moments today. I forgot to take a towel with me into the shower. Forget I already had a plate. Misplaced several items at work. 

And the libido seems to have gone on vacation again for some reason.

[Marsha]

Hi RCC. What, if I may ask do you think has helped the most with reducing the cortisol spikes?

[Rockingchaircat]

Hi RCC. What, if I may ask do you think has helped the most with reducing the cortisol spikes?

Fighting the Cortisol spikes is an all day affair.  Mine has been most recalcitrant - it holds on like a spoiled brat with a cookie. But that which seemed to be the most effective has been Black Beans with dinner, and the Arginine/Magnesium combo I take an hour before going to bed.

 

Day 542

I slept fairly well last night- only ONE trip to the loo in the middle of the night, and when I awoke at 2 and stared at the ceiling till it was time to get up I didn't NEED  to go to the bathroom.  I've also been working on my temper and my outlook on my life. I'm afraid for the future under THAT MAN, but I still try to find the humor in every situation, and still try to find the best in everything. Yesterday I was standing in a long line to purchase something and spent my time trying to find something nice to compliment every one I saw. (Mentally).

I still get cranky now and again, but for the most part it's me trying to let it go.

And I've been working on cutting back on the food, something about this winter has allowed me to get a bit up in the waist line. The lack of exercise due to being cooped up in the house may have something to do with that.