success ☼ Rockingchaircat: recovery from psychotropic drugs that were prescribed willy nilly.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 333 - 40 entries per page.

 

Slept fairly well (took some Arginine before bed.) but the last 45 minutes before rising was the insomnia bug. Still wanted to sleep more. Never satisfied. I'll be much more happy when all of this is a bad memory.  I've been forgetting a bit of late. Last night I forgot to take my Taurine before bed. Yesterday- left personal cell phone at work. Nearly walked out of the house without my work place I.D., and did forget to bring my water bottle- I didn't discover that until I was at work.  I've gotten sleepy at work, usually after a sugary drink of some kind. Water's nice but after awhile you want something with a taste. Little to no toe twitches or myoclonic jerks. Anxiety comes and goes, mostly what I'm now: is tired of it all. But I have no choice- I will continue.

My typing varies. Thank goodness for the red line underneath.  My mental processes are still sub par. I had to do a calculation last night on paper, and it took me several tries to figure out what I'd done wrong. A couple years ago I was doing binary coded decimal translations in my head, now I can't remember the multiplication table in full. 

They're supposed to help, but in the end they exact such a steep price. God Damned Pharma companies!

[scallywag]

When you're used to a high competency in an area, such as you are with computations and calculations, it is beyond annoying to find oneself performing more poorly than you ever have.  I have had many GRRRR moments    with math and with memory. It passes.

[Rockingchaircat]

When you're used to a high competency in an area, such as you are with computations and calculations, it is beyond annoying to find oneself performing more poorly than you ever have.  I have had many GRRRR moments    with math and with memory. It passes.

That's good to know. One of my phobias is dying with Alzheimers....

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 334.

 

Almost a window.  Yesterday I'm ravenous. Of late it's still too easy to get into anxiety mode. But it's also easier to get out of it, (mostly). I find it's also easy to get agitated and frustrated. So I have to be on constant guard to not snap at people or my housecats.  I'm still absentminded enough to forget minor items such as my phone at work, my water bottle at home, or a dose of taurine before bed. The last few nights I've been only getting up out of bed to go pee twice during the night. And as usual I wake up at 2 and wait for the Cortisol to do it's inevitable thingy. Last night the surge happened around 2:15, 2:20. But I managed to surf doze about a half hour after till it was time to get up at 4. The nights I take the Arginine- I find I tend to relax more. But I won't take it every night on the off chance that my body will tolerate it too quickly. My 3T's therapy seems to continue to work in that I am at least getting enough sleep to not feel like I'm being sleep deprived- too much. Of which, tonight I will be voluntarily doing without a couple of hours of same. Neil deGrasse Tyson is in town, and my wife and I have tickets...

I shall see how I feel on day 335.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 335.

 

Neil Degrasse Tyson at the Hult Center last night. I broke out of the routine, and stayed up WAY past my usual bedtime- strangely enough I don't feel much more tired than usual....must have something to do with having some FUN for a change! And no Cortisol spikes last night.

 

Now "normally' when it comes to routine breakers such as my Wednesday evening out with a friend- I get as nervous as cat in a rocking chair factory. But of late- additionally with the Tyson last night- I wasn't. I wasn't getting much of apprehension over the thought of not getting enough sleep. A bit of concern, and then it goes away. Never got in the way of having fun.

 

And it occurred to me that my skin burn has gone way done- almost nonexistent most of the time. And hearing about AliG's improvement- gives me some major hope. Tomorrow will mark the start of my twelfth month off, and I've been having a window on average of once a week for several days a week.  It may be the aminos, or it may not. But the fact that my symptoms still flare up- tells me that my amino regimen isn't masking them. It's helping me to heal. Because I (like we all do) just want this crap to end.

 

I've been incorporating some Curry into my diet, and fish on other occasions. The curry/turmeric does seem to put me in a better mood more often. But I've noticed that curry in sauce mode with food is a helluva lot less expensive than turmeric in capsule mode.

And tastier. Last night's dinner- Chicken masala tikka (or somesuch) on pork chops. Yum. Of course- it helps that I can taste more often.  Hopefully this window will continue into the weekend.  Wait and see.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 336

 

It's nice to have so many Windows.  Practically NO anxiety attacks today- AND I got to sleep in an hour and a half! What an odd feeling approaching refreshment.  Once again I credit the aminos- one could say that they're acting like an antidepressant- but I don't think so. Because just a few days ago I was getting danged near total anxiety/depression, without altering my amino acid dose. And now it's practically normal again. A window occurring at the rate of a little over a week. Every 8th or 9th day.

 

Nice.

 

Cloudy urine this morning. Yet no cloudy urine Friday morning- it may have something to do with my staying up extra late Thursday night to see degrasse Tyson. A bit of cortisol surge at the usual way dark early this morning but I fell asleep soon after.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 337.

I got to sleep in an hour. But I started to feel a bit shaky. I believe it's the window starting to close. If things keep up the way they have, I'll be having another one open in a few days... I just gotta keep calm and keep plugging. I did break the routine by sleeping in and having breakfast out- apple waffle with butter today. I believe the butter may have made me a bit sleepy- or the excess sugar might've also.

 

A bit of myoclonic toe twitches last night and this morning, not much.  Father's day for me, in which (as usual) I get to pay for the meal. C'est la vie.

Some anxiety- easily overcome.  Noon to about an hour ago- I worked on removing the broken down front porch. Some nails just wouldn't allow themselves to be yanked. The very self same nails I had to keep pounding down every year.

 

The theanine came in a smaller amount (100 mg as opposed to the first bottle - 200 mg). The change in size doesn't seem to have had an effect yet.  I'm looking forward to sleeping in and NO cortisol spikes eventually- just like AliG has now- I'm so happy for her.

 

May everyone be cured!

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 338. 

Yep- window closed. Some myoclonic jerks after falling asleep- and it was restless leg sensation in the left leg. Nothing major. And a full blown, Cortisol Spike at 2:15 in the morning. After a nightmare (extended) involving something about "Attack on Titan" a movie I've not seen more than bits and pieces. Then it's surf/doze until it's time to get up. So I'm dragging a bit now. And I've got some skin burn on my arms. It's mostly on the right arm triceps.

A bit of anxiety this morning. It's died down- even without the aminos.  But I think I'm gonna keep plugging away with them. After all I'm getting windows more often now, and they seem to be getting longer. I'm getting close to being out of this crap. It could be a month, it could be several months. The main thing is- I'm healing.

And  yesterday- was the start of my 12th month off.

[AliG]

 Hi Rock.    I'm so pleased to hear how well you are going . That you are experiencing windows is awesome,  but more than that I think it is your positive attitude that will continue to carry you through this recovery to a point where,  hopefully, you will start to fully realize that it is only a matter of time before you heal .It sounds like you are heading in that direction and are starting to become aware of some small changes. That is the beginning and even though you're still experiencing windows and waves , it can be an upwardly mobile pattern. 

 

I always saw it as a three steps forward , two steps back process , but as long as it continues to feel progressive and you can sense the slightest / smallest positive changes then that in my eyes is progress, and therefore worth pursuing and celebrating.  Sometimes , it can be so minute on a daily basis as to be almost not worthy of even noting , but that " minute " tends to build up over a period of time and before you know it you're starting to come out into the light again and starting to at first tentatively feel ok, and then possibly good , and then having a few moments of joy which continues to build. 

It can still go backwards again temporarily  , but it's an upward trajectory that ultimately leads to healing !

Ali     

[Rockingchaircat]

 Hi Rock.    I'm so pleased to hear how well you are going . That you are experiencing windows is awesome,  but more than that I think it is your positive attitude that will continue to carry you through this recovery to a point where,  hopefully, you will start to fully realize that it is only a matter of time before you heal .It sounds like you are heading in that direction and are starting to become aware of some small changes. That is the beginning and even though you're still experiencing windows and waves , it can be an upwardly mobile pattern. 

 

I always saw it as a three steps forward , two steps back process , but as long as it continues to feel progressive and you can sense the slightest / smallest positive changes then that in my eyes is progress, and therefore worth pursuing and celebrating.  Sometimes , it can be so minute on a daily basis as to be almost not worthy of even noting , but that " minute " tends to build up over a period of time and before you know it you're starting to come out into the light again and starting to at first tentatively feel ok, and then possibly good , and then having a few moments of joy which continues to build. 

It can still go backwards again temporarily  , but it's an upward trajectory that ultimately leads to healing !

Ali     

Oh yes. I whole heartedly agree. Thanks.

 

Day 339. Yesterday was a definite- anxiety- but it wasn't a constant one, it was it's own coming/going set of visitations. And when it did show up- mostly it was of the low level variety. True I didn't get as much rest as I'd hoped- last night. But that's life. But this morning, the anxiety appears to be absent, along with my skin burn. 

I'm doubling up my Theanine back up to 200 mg. But I've not taken it yet- and the situation has improved.  Right now I"m just fatigued. And a bit nauseous. Only a bit. No skin burn. No myoclonic jerks last night. No tinnitus. And Just ONE cortisol spike last night. Alas it did wake me up during the most productive sleep portion.- BUT my body is improving- the earlier parts of the night from bed time till Cortisol spike- I'm pretty much mostly asleep. And some light sleeping/dozing until it's time to get up. Only two trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night until get up time. Quite the improvement. The weather is hotter- which translates into less sleep. It shall change and I shall be ready for it.

Tonight I will be trying some arginine to see if it helps with the sleep again.

Another day closer to healing.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 340.

 

Definitely a full wave. Skin burn has returned. Both arms now. Cortisol spikes at 1 in the morning instead of an hour or so later. And depression. I've been battling that since yesterday. God I'm just so danged tired of this crap. I just entered my 12th month. (I know I know- short timer).

 

This is beyond ridiculous. There is more than enough unnecessary pain and suffering in the world, and the Pharma companies pull this?  A nice little 'happy' pill that carries a heavy price.

 

I will keep going. But it just seems like everytime I got through a window- there is always a price to be paid. Luckily- I did manage a bit more sleep last night. I remember at one point 'blinking' and noticing that the clock shifted a half hour.

 

I will out- stubborn this.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 341

 

The last 24 hours has been- interesting times. Mood swings- I go from having a halfway day event to all set to bawl my eyes out- to mildly interested in sex to almost suicidal ideation, in the span of 10 minutes of driving. This morning- not enough sleep (again!). The last couple of nights I try taking my evening Taurine a bit later than normal- up to 2-3 hours later. This was an attempt to see if I could put off the 2 a.m. spike. Result- nope!  I still wake up, only at 1 in the morning. Go back to sleep, and wake up again at 2 in the morning, then surf/doze till it's the inevitable get up time.  Right now- I'm not exactly dragging, but I'm definitely down in the dumps, mentally. On the way to work it's a 'slight' pressure in the sinuses above my eyes. Now it feels like an ever increasing build up in pressure there- like the wind from an oncoming subway train.

 

The skin burn came and went several times yesterday. Right now it's went. 

 

It just seems like the body is so damned contrary! I try to do something to delay my Cortisol spike, and it occurs even earlier, just to spite me!

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 342.

At 10 o'clock, I'd have said I was coming down with the flu- I was feeling so bad. By 12:15- I'd have said I was getting better. By 6 in the evening I was doing good.  Right now- I'm just fatigued. I took my Taurine at the usual (hour before bed) time, but I still ended up with a 1 in the morning cortisol spike like i have been doing since the two nights of Taurine at an hour after bed.

 

Can't win for losing.  Result- I'm dragging again today.

 

Some day I will be much more fully rested more often. Man this stuff sucks.

[Marsha]

Rockingchaircat you are amazing. I get the cortisol spikes too. But not to the degree you have them. But they sure are distressing to me when they happen. I sure do hate this chemical soup we got sucked into. Just three years ago I could not even form a sentence and I had not started tapering anything. I am much more functional now than I have been in a decade of AP. Healing will come in its time. In fact we are healing right now even though are brains and bodies are discombooerated. I check on you every day but words are still difficult to come by to offer encouragement. We will get there.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 343.

 

The usual. What that means: Pretty much sleep- ok, till 1 in the morning- then get a cortisol surge. Then, drift off again- maybe. 2 in the morning- another cortisol surge. Attempt to surf/doze/nap until wake up time.  (0400). This morning- it's "Ok, I had a fairly good sleep in the previous weekend- perhaps I can recapture some of that!".

 

Perhaps not.  Instead- of just doing a regular doze- everytime I drift off, something, or another, wakes....me....up....again and again and again and again...

 

I go to bed around 8 - I'm exhausted, it's been a long stressful day. All the while my body is either fighting off sleep or stressing about nitnoid stuffs- again. Full Blown, knock down, WAVE.It's like my tablets I take for coping all of the vitamins and aminos- are just placebos.

I did 'forget' to do my afternoon meditation (nap). Perhaps that had something to do with it. I don't know.

Right now- I'm yawning.

 

It's also 3:30 in the afternoon. "normally" my anxiety would've dissipated a couple of hours ago. Still going, still strong. Well 'normally' for the last couple of weeks. Like anything good- it never lasts.  Somehow I managed to find a way to keep my cool while driving the daughter around on her shopping trips.

 

It's hard, so damned hard to try and find a chuckle in me, something to keep me going.  But I will, I have to.

[Marsha]

Day 343.

 

The usual. What that means: Pretty much sleep- ok, till 1 in the morning- then get a cortisol surge. Then, drift off again- maybe. 2 in the morning- another cortisol surge. Attempt to surf/doze/nap until wake up time.  (0400). This morning- it's "Ok, I had a fairly good sleep in the previous weekend- perhaps I can recapture some of that!".

 

Perhaps not.  Instead- of just doing a regular doze- everytime I drift off, something, or another, wakes....me....up....again and again and again and again...

 

I go to bed around 8 - I'm exhausted, it's been a long stressful day. All the while my body is either fighting off sleep or stressing about nitnoid stuffs- again. Full Blown, knock down, WAVE.It's like my tablets I take for coping all of the vitamins and aminos- are just placebos.

I did 'forget' to do my afternoon meditation (nap). Perhaps that had something to do with it. I don't know.

Right now- I'm yawning.

 

It's also 3:30 in the afternoon. "normally" my anxiety would've dissipated a couple of hours ago. Still going, still strong. Well 'normally' for the last couple of weeks. Like anything good- it never lasts.  Somehow I managed to find a way to keep my cool while driving the daughter around on her shopping trips.

 

It's hard, so damned hard to try and find a chuckle in me, something to keep me going.  But I will, I have to.

RCC, do you have an ac in your bedroom? I have one and keep the temp at 68 degrees at night. I am able to get restful sleep but not always because of withdrawal symptoms getting the upper hand. I would really like to do anything to relieve your suffering. Yesterday I cried all day. Today I talked up a storm. I was unable to even form a sentence 2 years ago. So healing does happen. I have found in unexpected ways. As you know, these symptoms will pass and they will return. I am hoping tonight you are able to get some sleep. We all finds ways to keep going as distressing as it is. My heart goes out to you and your family Rockingchaircat. Just keep saying what you need to say. Every day that goes by is another day of healing even if it doesn't feel that way. You are not alone dear one.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 344.

Thank you Marsha. But there is nothing you can do. This is something I have to do on my own.

Luckily- we do have central AC. I'm still paying off the overdue upgrade for it. It helps, but ultimately the problem is the Cortisol Spike. Both of them. The first one at 1, the second at 2:15- like clockwork now. 

Last night was sleep in 75 (or so) minute increments. Then 1 happened- awake, then doze until the next one at 2:15. Then TRY to sleep till it's time to get up.  4-ish. Which meant since it was Sunday- along about 6 in the morning. The problem after that was the inevitable insomnia with the 'mouth farts'. Which is the Cpap pressure sneaking past a point of my teeth and erupting past my lips- waking me up again.  Naturally this occurs when I start to drift off....The best I can do during such- is often just do a light doze.  For some strange reason I'm able to dream somewhat during such.  

Last night's 1 in the morning was triggered by a nightmare from the tv show: Supernatural. Very intense dream. And scary.  Frustration mounts.  It's like whatever neurotransmitter keeps us asleep- is spent.  And it's in short supply.

 

Today during the shopping trip I managed to relocate the Theanine with my favorite formula: Simple Truth. I took one upon getting home. Somehow I managed to find some energy to do some household chores before it started to get too warm.  Which is strange- cause it's in the '80's now. And that was never too hot. But right now? My internal body temperature is still in flux it seems. I tried to do some work on the deck, but I got into about all of 1 minute and it became overwhelming.  I just had to put the tools away.  But we still managed to get some stuff done.

 

Almost a nasty fatigue day- it sure as hell felt like it. I got a bit on the 'interested side' and let the missus know- we took care of things.

 

I think the biggest problem for me: Despair. Last week was a rainy one, and the first few nights of it I slept well. Summer is here in the Willamette Valley- which means hot days and cooling off nights- but no rain for a long time. And the fireworks stands are geting set up. Which means that all too soon- the hours in which I manage a modicum of sleep will now be disturbed by the sound of firecrackers.  Lucky me.  I doubt it will be a repeat of two years ago- in which I had a PTSD reaction, but I imagine that I willl still be exhausted in so many ways.

 

It's tempted to take a sip or two of Benadryl. But it's also tempting to just simply chug-a-lug the entire bottle.  Assuming that I survived that- ...but I cannot do that. Even a sip is one too much. I don't wanna get used to that avenue.

 

Forgetful. I've been forgetting a lot of things of late.  One of the things that scared me off of anti-d's: Alzheimers. Yet the irony of the absentmindedness during withdrawal.

 

AliG is amazing. Two years from a cold turkey.  And she's improved well.  I hope I can do that too.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 345.

 

Surprise surprise- no Cortisol spikes till 3:30 this morning and even then it was minor. Unfortunately my body is now 'trained' to awaken at 1 and stay awake till it's time to get up. At which point- ten minutes prior to such I start to drift....

 

Skin burn started up again this morning. Myoclonic jerks in the right hand and right foot.   I practice laughing and smiling. On the off chance I get to do so honestly in the future. This cvrap just goes on and on and on...

 

The problem with Oregon and my central air- the outside cools off at night and usually results in temperatures below what the house is set for.  The wife set the house to 71, last night it cooled to 53. Result- ac turns off and the house somehow still says stuffy- have to open the window.  I never sleep well during the summer. Wish me luck for the fourth of July.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 346.

 

Best Damned Sleep I've had in a long while. Refreshed this morning.  Nice.  Which is weird- because the way I was sleeping- I assumed that It was going to be another restless night: wake up with heart pounding/heavy breathing-several times. But the nicest part of it all? No Cortisol spikes what so ever. I would imagine that my body took full advantage of this.  I would also imagine that this will be a fluke. Because even when I was sleeping 'normal'- such nights were far and few between. 

Eleven days. 11 days between the last non Cortisol spike night and this one.  This is definitely an improvement. So with guarded hope, I am content today. 

 

A couple of days ago- I noticed something strange- I've been getting Edema of the legs (just a bit), this time only one leg was swollen. The other- fine. Weird. One MIGHT say that all of the aminos and such are causing such false 'windows' but the problem with that is - even when I do take them I still get waves. So, I'm still of the opinion- that things are improving for me.  Particularly when it comes to libido- I'm not gonna go into details. But orgasms are increasing in number. Sometimes they're the only bit of pleasure I get in a day. But several times a week in the last couple of weeks- definitely an improvement. And Sunday- the wife was happy.

 

Last night- medium headache. After biking in the hot afternoon, back inside the cooled house, eventually between the glare/heat of the outside and the dark/cool of the inside...I ended up with a headache right between the eyes- deep, that was there when I went to bed. Not upon awakening. Connection?

 

Yesterday at work- I was thinking about going home and I had a sensation that everything was going to be OK  when i got home I could take a nap before the heat of the day before the biking. Which is weird- because that was a sensation that I've not had for well....years. So it might have been an echo from years ago, a parallel life, or I'm hoping- a future memory.  It may be crap but I'm gonna hold onto it. I need hope for the dark times ahead.

 

I'm sticking with Simple Truth brand.

[Rockingchaircat]

I take it back Marsha- you are helpful. Perhaps the good thoughts you sent my way got sent to my Proctor as a "Need to Memo".

 

Well anyways. 

 

Even though this is a Very Nice Day, after a Decent Night's Sleep...I've still been getting the anxiety attacks and skin burns. Far as I'm concerned- such is easily livable. So if it's a 'Window' it's a weird one. But HEY! I'm not gonna complain too much. Yes- the Cortisol Spikes will undoubtedly occur again. But this is indeed a light from the End of the Tunnel.

 

Nothing like a constant Hell to give one a wee bit of perspective on what constitutes a nice day.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 347.

 

As expected- I didn't have as a good sleep as I had the night before. But even with the single Cortisol Spike I still managed to sleep pretty well. And two nights in a row- no cloudy urine in the morning. The single C/S was of such a mild variety that I still went back to sleep. I'm feeling a bit down that the refreshing sleep wasn't as intense- but then I am feeling fairly well this morning.  

Part and parcel of the problem is that the 'old' ways of life are in my mind- Better. Albeit before tapering or before meds. It's a common trap for humans to engage in: "The Good Old Days"...is bunkum.  By and large- I hold off on the treats. And unfortunately- I also have to hold off on too much sugar. Much as I like to indulge in such on occasion.

 

I had a bit of tinnitus, or so I thought- this morning. As it turns out it was in fact a real sound. My fan was making a medium to high pitch squeal. Shifting position in bed I was able to get it to a lesser decibel level.

 

But I have to remember, it has improved. A year ago, I couldn't even take a nap of ANY sort. If I tried- Cortisol Spike! Now I can. And often do when attempting to meditate in the afternoon. 

 

Even Keel.

[AliG]

Hi Rock . Can you see how this is progressing slowly in a healing manner ?  Little minute changes over time add up to major improvement as a whole . Hang in there  - be patient - don't change anything . Accept. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale . Patience. I have found this to be key ! 

Ali 

[Rockingchaircat]

Hi Rock . Can you see how this is progressing slowly in a healing manner ?  Little minute changes over time add up to major improvement as a whole . Hang in there  - be patient - don't change anything . Accept. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale . Patience. I have found this to be key ! 

Ali 

I want patience and I want it NOW!!!

 

As the parent of a special needs child/adult, I thought I'd already learned the meaning of patience. Benzo Withdrawal and now Anti-depressant Withdrawal has taught me much about new levels of patience.

[AliG]

I know . I'm sorry . We are all learning to be Zen Buddhists.  We all want it now . I'm so sorry R. I didn't know . That adds complexity. I feel your pain. You will get there. 

[Rockingchaircat]

I know . I'm sorry . We are all learning to be Zen Buddhists.  We all want it now . I'm so sorry R. I didn't know . That adds complexity. I feel your pain. You will get there. 

De Nada.

 

I've just been injecting humor into the situation.What I was getting at: Being the parent of such- teaches one patience.  But apparently, not enough. So life has decided I needed MOAR patience.  Thus my multi-pill withdrawal over the last few years. So I apologize for any misunderstandings.  Yes I will get there. We all will.

 

If anything else I've learned on how to spend my time when I have nothing constructive to do- Meditate. And I've also learned that it's much easier to  Be Here, Now, when you're not anxious enough to vibrate through the walls.

 

Yes I'll have more bad days, and then one day there will be the good days...and even those will have some bad days- but I will have a new perspective...

 

Today on the job- I was working with a couple of other folks. We all got blindsided by a sudden expectation. Where the other two were pinging from the surprise request- I was pretty much calm dealing with it all.  Which is strange, because just a couple of years ago- I'd have been pinging along with them.

---

 

Further research has had me discover that Theanine (the stuff I've been taking along with my Tyrosine), is apparently having a 'neuroprotective effect' when it comes to brain chemistry. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17182482

 

Apparently it helps in the production of GABA and Glutamate- and helps to regulate both. So I'm thinking that I might try splitting my dose of Theanine by taking it with my Taurine in the evening instead of the morning time that I've been doing. Why? Cortisol Spikes- that's why. So if the Cortisol Spikes don't improve much over the next couple of months I may very well try that. But like always , Caution is #1.

 

Apparently it's been in use in Japan for over 50 years.  http://overcomingyouranxiety.net/naturalanxietyremedies/theanine-for-anxiety/

 

I'm not trying to denigrate anyone who's not working. All I'm trying to do is find a way for ME to recover and still work.  If it works out for me, then perhaps my experiences will help someone else as well.

 

A year ago:

06/22/15

 

I knocked the Celexa down to 5 mg. today. Most noted effect- a tendency to fall asleep after a meal. My libido has been increasing of late, along with some general crankiness. This may be tied in with a high level of itchiness of late. My appetite is down. I don't miss the hunger pangs.

 

But all things considered, this withdrawal is still heads and shoulders easier than a benzo withdrawal. 

 

Oh Goodness- I had SO MUCH to learn about this...

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 348

It's been a window (more or less) since Monday- I managed to still get some sleep last night despite being wired when I went to bed and not getting to sleep for a while- it didn't help that no matter what position I was in, the cpap mouth farts started up.

Eventually I did get some sleep- then about 12:30 I woke up due to a 'vibration'. It wasn't a Cortisol Spike, but it was more like the core of my body was building up in an intensity in a vibration and then it faded away.  I was able to fall asleep in short order- and I didn't get the usual problems from a C/S. I did get a bit of a C/S along about 3:30, but I fell back asleep in short order for that too. I like this trend of still managing of getting sleep.

 

So, all in all- I've been working on practicing laughter in an effort to improve my mood- despite all of what working life LOVES to throw at me. For it seems that any kind of laughter- whether it be the forced laughter or the practiced maniacal laughter, inevitably makes it much easier to produce an honest laughter that makes me feel a wee bit better.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 349.

 

It seems that at times, some things are just determined to be annoying enough to make me get cranky enough to have a temper tantrum. Short of details- it's invariably involving a computer that INSISTS on not doing what you want it to and it insists on doing this thing over and over until you get frustrated enough to yell.

 

But that being said I just eventually have to walk away from it and try not to let it bug me.  

 

Last night- NO cortisol spikes. Again. I could easily get used to this. Which just made me paranoid. Which means I've jinxed myself to where tonight there's gonna be a ton of them. Wait and see. But I'm still gonna try and enjoy the day and night.

 

Several nights of almost fully enjoyable sleep. Even the night before when I had trouble falling asleep. Lots of equipment problems at work- just before a 3 day weekend.

 

Skin burn is intense this morning. 

[Nicki1722]

Just wanted to let you know that I thoroughly enjoy your posts. Keep on keepin' on!

[Rockingchaircat]

Just wanted to let you know that I thoroughly enjoy your posts. Keep on keepin' on!

You're quite welcome. I shall.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 350.

 

I got a Cortisol Spike last night. About 3:30 in the morn. So i got most of the night sleeping deeply.  So, since it being a Saturday i decided to 'sleep in'. I did manage some surf dozing until 5. But the result of which- more cortisol spikes everytime I fell asleep.  The result of which- more rest, but now I've got a low level anxiety and some mild depression.  Ya can't win for losing.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 351.

 

I got a Cortisol Spike a couple of hours after falling asleep.  I think. What I do know for sure- is that I woke up with my heart pounding. This may have been more to do with my nightmare in which I was being chased by a spitting cobra. A rather large upright spitting cobra.

 

The rest of the night- pretty much OK. Though the room did get a bit chilly.  I awoke around the usual 4-ish. And I'd decided that I may as well get up to avoid any more of the C/S and subsequent anxiety. So naturally- I fell asleep. And stayed in bed for another hour and a half.

No noticeable problems from that. But I had to wait getting breakfast as the Mrs. wanted to have breakfast out.  Picked up the kid- grocery shopping, then some work on the house. One very annoying cat later- I'm afraid I lost my patience with. I'm working on the deck with hammer and nails- you'd think the cat would take the hint and leave, but NO! She's gotta have attention right then! I keep setting her aside so I can work without hitting a cat with a hammer, but after the 5th or 6th time of doing so I lost my temper and threw the bag of nails at her. Result- a glancing blow- but she finally took the hint. Now some hours later- she's still hasn't shown up.  It's all or nothing with her.  Yesterday with the same conditions I stuck her inside the house- and all she did then was mew piteously wanting outside.

 

This morning- urine in the toiler- clear. Dark, but no cloudiness. It's only when I get the C/Spikes that I get cloudy urine. Go figure that one out. In addition to the Taurine before bed I took an Arginine (500mg). That seemed to do the trick. I only take one once in a while.

Of course I try to insure that I'm tired as all get down before going to bed.  Easy enough to do on a hot summer day.    Some depressiveness, but I combat it with chores and yard work. Or something, anything. It's too easy to fall into that trap. I'm chalking this up to the weaning off of my Anti-d's. All this? I'm thinking Mild Manic-Depressiveness. I'm thinking that once I start getting to the point where I don't get scared about taking naps- that it'll have eased off a bit. I don't like taking naps during my work hours- even on the weekend. I don't want to give my body the desire that it's a good idea to start falling asleep then.

During the manic phase- I'm extra hungry, and horny. During the depressive, not so hungry, and I may very well be a Eunuch. 

 

They're bailing hay in the Valley now. It's the first time in years that I've not even used up a half a bottle of allergy relief meds.  Imagine that. Another medicine that I didn't need.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 352.

 

As expected, the morons were in full force last night.  Technically- yes, The fourth of July does start at midnight- but I don't think anyone really appreciated someone(s) setting large stuff off at 1:16 in the morning and then again an hour later, and an hour after that.  I know I sure didn't. A nice LOUD window rattler.

On top of that, just as I'm drifting off last night upon going to bed- that, is when a neighborhood turkey decides to land on my roof (the feathered kind).A minute before- I was awake, a minute after I'd have been sound asleep.  It presaged the night. I open up the window to take advantage of the chill, and I'm rewarded with shock waves. 

I manage to get a routine wherein occasionally I can get some sound sleep- and the birth control poster children of the neighborhood have to disturb it all. 

 

Today, this morning, I'm yawning. I'm a wee nauseous from breakfast. My skin burn that I didn't get yesterday has come back to make up for lost time.  And it took me 6 times to fix that last sentence.

 

And tonight? Is gonna be worse. 

America- land of the Morons who feel it's their right to be obnoxious anytime it involves gun powder.  

But I'm gonna have to find a way to make this a good day.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 353. 

 I just realized, that I should've taken my Tyrosine an hour ago.

I survived. The house hasn't been burned down this year, and I didn't get a PTSD reaction/anxiety overload. And somehow/someway- I felt well enough to go into work- sufficient sleep to not take a day off. Though a good portion of my coworkers couldn't say the same. 

I was awakened about an hour after going to sleep- and WHAM! Restless leg. It took about 30-45 minutes for that to settle. Just as well- as that seemed to be the most active time, firecracker-wise. A few more later, but I was able to fall asleep after in short order. With only one nightmare about a half hour before getting up time.

 

My right leg's been giving me problems the last few days. The ball of my right foot has been feeling like it's been inflamed, then the pain moved up the foot a bit, and part of my foot felt numb. Now just above my ankle it feels partially numb. With that strange sensation when your body part that was asleep starts to wake up.

 

The restless leg was subdued, it was there and it was just on this side of being able to mentally suppress it. It appears that my brain has shifted to that aspect while healing. Of late the most I'd get is some toe twitches in the right foot as I'm relaxing before going to sleep. Last night it was BOTH legs. Some anxiety upon wake up, not enough to be too much of a bother- still sensitized. 

I've been cranky a lot of late. I've been getting annoyed at the most piddling of things of late.  Luckily I've been keeping my mouth shut about most of it.  While working on the front deck- I discovered and disposed of a cat that had crawled underneath and died several years before. Before going for my evening walk I also did some more  yard work to fill up the yard waste bin for the collectors.  This next weekend is supposed to be more damp and cooler- I look forward towards that.

 

Yet for all of the pain, discomfort, and problems, I'm still glad I got off of the damned stuff.  My special needs daughter is alive mostly because of the pills she takes. Her Lupus is a unique variety. And it could go off at any time. I very much doubt that she'll out live me.

So, while on the Antid's, I was resenting my time spent with her. Now being off of it, I can appreciate, and I do, the time left with her.  She seems to be happy for now. She's been enjoying Star Wars-Rebels of late, and Popeye. And yesterday the wife and I took her to see - Finding Dory.

 

It's nice to be able to handle movies again. 

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 354.

 

An improved sleep last night. Despite the twatwaffle who likes to set off a singular and loud firecracker at 11:30 at night. I'd really like to find out who this person is- Every Year, he does this for at least a week.  It'd be sooooo nice to return the favor in the middle of his sleep cycle.

Some anxiety in the morning- soon resolved. Busy day at work and plenty of time occupied with constructive projects. No myoclonic jerks . Just routine problems getting the trash company to do their job.

[Nicki1722]

Oh my lord. That's one of my favorite sayings right now! **** waffle lol.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 355.

 

I agree Nicki. That word just flows off my tongue so naturally.

 

Luckily last night that version of a waffle didn't shoot anything off, or if he did, I didn't notice it. I have been waking up every one to two hours, but I still manage to get an almost refreshing night's sleep.  So much so that I SOOOO wanted to call in sick today and sleep some more....Alas, I did get a wee bit of nervous energy in the morning, but it's not been doing much in the way of a flare up. It comes and goes, but for the most part it's like a mosquito. Annoying, but you can never seem to swat it away. Skin burn comes and goes. Or I should say Skin Burn 1 (SB1) More like a sun burn on my arms. Wherea Skin Burn 2 (SB2)- is more akin to a Altoid Peppermint feel (on one's tongue) but on my right arm. SB2 in the morning. SB1 now and then.

Just a hint of cloudy urine this morning- but this could also be due to the fish fingers I had for dinner last night. 

And a bit of fatigue all day. Yet strangely enough- it's 1 in the afternoon and that is the time that a fatigue day hits me the worst, and I'm mostly not tired.  Some day I will be able to sleep in on the weekend and not feel afraid, but only a bit more refreshed.

And someday I will not need any amino acids at all to get through the day.

A bit of diarrhea today- that may be due to the bread I ate as a snack yesterday: Kalamata Olive. I've had reactions occasionally to it when I was on the CRAP, but I thought I was over it- I guess not.

 

There's always something I else I've felt the need to report, but I can never remember it when I'm typing.