success ☼ Happy2Heal: Hope I'm doing this right

[Happy2Heal]

because I'm only human I wanted to repeat something I've mentioned in earlier posts-

 

If anyone posts here, or PMs me, please do not be upset if I don't respond right away, or possibly even for weeks, as I am putting self care FIRST and that may mean limiting my time on SA

 

Just want you to know, I may be scarce from time to time but I will be back, you can be sure of that.

at some point I will have a glorious full recovery thread to post!!

 

 

I want to share that with all of you, as you've been so kind and so extremely helpful to me in this long and tiresome journey

[AliG]

Cat. Take really good care of yourself and have a lovely Xmas. You will be missed. We hope to see you back in the New Year.

[Junglechicken]

That makes us both basket cases then, lol.

 

Nah, this Junglechicken would be eaten alive unfortunately.

 

I hope your book arrives PRONTO, and take care of yourself as well as super speedy healing.

 

Happy Holidays, with extra nibbles for the rats, lol!!!

 

JC x

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by ChessieCat
removed quote after member name change

[Happy2Heal]

 

That makes us both basket cases then, lol.

 

Nah, this Junglechicken would be eaten alive unfortunately.

 

I hope your book arrives PRONTO, and take care of yourself as well as super speedy healing.

 

Happy Holidays, with extra nibbles for the rats, lol!!!

 

JC x

 

 

thanks JC

 

oh my healing is not super speedy, I've been at this for 18 mos now!!!

 

and it's only been the reinstatement that  has worked out well, for awhile... at least.

I'm not sure now.

 

My most recent taper 10 days ago may be a mistake- I mean, too much too soon!

 

 

I am having muscle spasms all over my body today, along with the anxiety-

This seems new, although I may have had it before but just didnt' notice because I had so much else going on at the time (over 43 symptoms at one point and all of them very bad)

 

I am working on acceptance today.

 

accepting that I still have a ways to go, and that there will still be rough patches.

 

not happy about that, but accepting it.

 

and I am going back to the original plan of HOLDING at my current dose (since I"ve been at 0.14 for 10 days it seems best to not change that, unless things get super hairy I mean lol)

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

Cat. Take really good care of yourself and have a lovely Xmas. You will be missed. We hope to see you back in the New Year.

 

 

oh heck I may not be gone that long, LOL as it's turning out, I am spending a lot more time here today then I expected....

and it helps.

 

 

but when it stops helping, that is when I will be scarce.

 

so long as I am benefiting from being here, I'll be here.

 

THANK YOU to you and all the mods for your generosity in spending so much time helping me/us out. I appreciate it more than I can express.

[Happy2Heal]

Looking for suggestions and/or other people's experience with this, please?

 

This may come as a shock to you, but after all this time of not getting any more than maybe 4-5 hrs sleep a night, I'm TIRED!!

 

I am wondering about UPdosing  til I get to the place where I can sleep.

 

yes, I don't even know if that would work, I get so confused by how I was over-sleeping when I was ON the lexapro, and now can't sleep (or can't sleep very much) on the tiny bit I take now and all thru out WD.

 

I was able to get one month's refill  of 75mgs  so, with what I have on hand, that gives me a bit more time and a bit more drug lol to work with...

 

so, what do you think?

 

I am just thinking about it. Mulling it over LOL

 

 I recently did a tiny taper and stopped that, because things went too far south for my comfort level.

 

I'm going to stay at 0.15mgs twice a day  for probably another month?
I'll see how it goes but that's my current plan.

 

 

Unless, of course, you think a tiny updose might help me to sleep

 

ideas?

comments?

experience with doing this yourself?

 

FYI

I put in my original starting dose into Scallywag's calculator and IF I'd done a proper taper, I'd be at 2.4 now

 

Then I put in my jumping off dose of 2.5mgs (from May) and it says that I'd be at 1.1 now, if I'd properly tapered from that.

 

so, regardless of how you look at it, I'm at a lot lower dose than I would be, if I'd done this right (I'm on 0.3 per day)

[PatriciaVP]

Hi Cat,

 

Sorry to hear that your recent dose drop has turned on you, but you still seem to be so much better than before your reinstatement, right?

 

I didn't realize how much you had changed your dose in the past. I'm sure that has made you much more sensitive to the slightest change.

 

Please take it easy on yourself.

 

{{{Hugs}}}

[Happy2Heal]

Hi Cat,

 

Sorry to hear that your recent dose drop has turned on you, but you still seem to be so much better than before your reinstatement, right?

 

I didn't realize how much you had changed your dose in the past. I'm sure that has made you much more sensitive to the slightest change.

 

Please take it easy on yourself.

 

{{{Hugs}}}

 

 

oh yes, I am a lot better since reinstating in Oct, that's true

 

you'd think I'd just be happy about that and leave things alone, but I have this longing for a good night's sleep.

 

I  know- I hope?- that will come eventually, but I was thinking if a tiny tiny updose would help..................???

 

OH, you should see my full med history! If I just go back the past 25-26yrs, I've been on 3 SSRIs- zoloft, celexa and lexapro BUT I have CT'ed off lexapro at least twice in the past, with terrible WD BUT I didn't know it was WD.

I have also bounced around in the dose from 20 to 40 mgs :/

 

I CT'ed off a high dose of seroquel (400mgs I believe) I CT'ed off lamictal

I was on lithium for several years, then lithium with depakote AND zyprexa and klonopin, I think

I've been on ambien.

I've tried several other antipsychotics but only stayed on those for a few days to a few weeks (risperdol, trilafon, and I forget what else) been tried on Geodon and Lyrica, Gabapentin... effexor and prozax and probably wellbutrin, I forget, pretty much any new drug to come along, my doc tried me on it.

 

but the lexapro (and the seroquel) have been the hardest to get off

I have damage to my heart muscle from the high heart rate and high blood pressure when I went off seroquel CT- I had to take beta blockers for about a year, before my heart rate finally returned to normal.

Now part of my heart muscle is thicker and stiffer than it should be- the cardiologist told me.

 

but it's not bad enough to affect me in any meaningful way, as I have a very strong heart and no signs of heart disease at all.

 

yeh, I shudder when I look back at my drug/med history

it's baaaaaad lol

 

so I should be grateful that I'm doing as well as I am but boy do I miss sleeping lol

[PatriciaVP]

Wow, really, just WOW! Your nervous system has really been through the wringer. I totally get where you're coming from with the insomnia. I've just had a couple of nights where I haven't been able to sleep, and I'm already so over it. I just wonder if more dosage changes are actually going to get you any more rest.

 

Well, whatever you decide, I believe that we are all the best judges of what we need. Trust your instincts.

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by ChessieCat
removed quote after member name change

[Happy2Heal]

 

Wow, Cat, really, just WOW! Your nervous system has really been through the wringer. I totally get where you're coming from with the insomnia. I've just had a couple of nights where I haven't been able to sleep, and I'm already so over it. I just wonder if more dosage changes are actually going to get you any more rest.

 

Well, whatever you decide, I believe that we are all the best judges of what we need. Trust your instincts.

 

 

thanks Patricia

I am going to mull it over and see how much longer I can hang on.

I don't know if changing the dose would work, I did try this in the past but SO many other things were changing at the same time, it's hard what was making things worse.

I was feeling desperate for relief, and was just basically throwing the kitchen sink at the problem, I guess LOL

 

the past couple of days were bad:  my usual pattern of the day starting out rough but getting better, did not happen-

instead most of the day was not good, no significant improvement as the day went on.

That was discouraging.

BUT to be honest, the day over all was Nowhere near as bad as the days back in October, so...!!

I just enjoyed the improvements so much, that waves now "seem" worse when in fact they are not, I've simply gotten greedy.

it's more reasonable to think that, given my terrible med history, I am absolutely BLESSED to be doing as well as I am, this early on and after the way I messed up things!!!

 

Funny thing- I don't get hot any more, I am just cold, all the time. I was going from cold to hot and sweating, mostly being hot at night or after eating, and cold in the early morning, then warming up to normal, only to go back to being hot at night.

But now, Regardless of the actual temperature, my body feels cold and I keep adding more layers and getting under a blanket and still can't seem to warm up.

 

I think that's my body saying it's tired, hahahaha

 

I am able to lay down and read or just do some looming (a kind of crocheting, I think) so that's a big help. Before sitting still like that was not really possible, I had to keep moving, keep busy, etc, which made the lack of sleep that much more exhausting- no rest to speak of at any time of the day.

 

But I did have I think two semi decent nights, so perhaps if I just wait it out, it will continue to get better.

 

I am so happy, today I got my Claire Weeks book, Help for your Nerves or whatever it's called....It looks very promising.

 

 

I must admit to being a bit jealous of ppl who do not have any insomnia or sleep disturbance, but I know that they are also dealing with things that I am not, so I squash that Green Monster right away, it's just silly to be jellybeany like that (as my mom would say, she called being jealous being jellybeany lol)

 

thank you so much for stopping by my thread! I have been so tired I am afraid I'm not keeping up with anyone else, but I promise I will as soon as I have the energy

 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

yeh I know, for someone who was planning on being scarce for a bit, I sure do post a lot

LOL

I'm very tired and I tend to get super chatty when I'm tired

[PatriciaVP]

Let me know what you what you think of the Claire Weekes book. I've been curious about it.

[lillylou]

Im sorry that you've been struggling with insomnia. hopefully it will pass soon. Its so weird to see us all experiencing different wd symptoms. Our brains and body's are going through a lot!

[Frogie]

Hi PatriciaVP:

 

Just thought I would stop by and see how you are?

 

I'm kinda having a yucky nausea day (as usual) lol...

 

Oh well, hope you're doing well

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

[Happy2Heal]

Update

well either the tiny taper was a bad idea, OR I was so scared that things were going to get bad, that I thought myself "sick" but regardless, I've gone back to 0.15 twice a day and am holding, which is ok for now as I was able to get another one month's refill of the liquid

 

My symptoms are morphing - I still have the insomnia but seem to be sleeping a bit more deeply when I do sleep. I don't feel as "on edge" all the time, and instead of a mental kind of anxiety and dread in the morning, that has been replaced by more of a physical, heart pounding (but not as bad as a bad as a bad cortisol spike, hard to explain) it's more of an energy thing and I am telling myself that It's not anxiety, it's excitement and anticipation for what the day may bring- and that seems to work somewhat.

 

I have more shakiness and feelings of loss of confidence during the day but at the same time, feel a bit stronger mentally and physically.

I have lost my appetite again, however, and am only able to eat the simplest things, applesauce in the morning, some fruit for lunch (oranges or pineapple or more applesauce) I try to force myself to eat a small serving of a veggie and will have some cold cereal or english muffin for dinner.

 

If I'm out and around other people I find I can eat more and also heavier things (I scarfed down  a couple of finger rolls of seafood salad while out with a freind)

 

I believe I am still healing but my confidence is easily shaken so I have moments or hours when I wonder if it's possible to heal, given my long med history and esp my ups and downs and multiple CTs off other drugs as well as lexapro

 

I made the mistake of looking for more info on SSRI withdrawal online and found an article that basically says people do not heal and recover from SSRIs and while I know that's not true, it still gets into your head anyway and makes you doubt yourself and all.

The article's main focus was forcing psychiatrists to admit to the long term WD that comes with these drugs so they wanted to make it sound as bad as possible.

 

there are success stories and we need to gather up as many of them as we can.

I wish we had a good data base of them.

I mean, we have some.... but we need more!!

I pray that I am one of them.

I won't be able to write a success story any time really soon, as I plan to hold for a long time, to try to stabilize even more.

 

I would like to be sleeping at least 6 straight hours per night before I try to taper again

Right now I am able to fall asleep for about an hour, maybe 90 mins, then I wake up and switch from the sofa where I fell asleep reading or watching tv, to my bed with almost all the lights out (need a green nite lite to find the bathroom)

I then sleep from maybe 12:30 or so til around 4 am

 

from 4 am til around 6 or so I listen to music or relaxation tapes

so I am resting and no longer get upset that I am not asleep

 

The book Hope and Help for Your Nerves is great, you need to pay no attention to some parts where she recommends medical sedation LOL keep in mind its' an OLD book

 

but the stuff about accepting and floating, and letting time pass, all very very helpful

It's going to take me a lot of work to accept and to float but I'm trying, I'm trying very hard to do just that.

 

that is why I said I may be scarce, I need to stop concentrating on symptoms and just let them come and go, and not try so hard to over come them or fight against them or wish for them to be gone

 

the more I want to sleep, for example, the less sleep I get

 

accepting that insomnia is part of the process seems to make the sleep I do get, feel more restful

 

so, that's where I'm at for now

 

trying to be more accepting!!

[AliG]

Cat. You're back and that's great !    I'm so impressed with your positive attitude and outlook on this . I have it too but where did yours come from ?  Just curious for others and how to get it for them !  LOL.

 

I hope you have a very joyous Xmas.

[Happy2Heal]

Cat. You're back and that's great !    I'm so impressed with your positive attitude and outlook on this . I have it too but where did yours come from ?  Just curious for others and how to get it for them !  LOL.

 

I hope you have a very joyous Xmas.

 

thanks Ali

I sometimes feel like I need to conjure up that positive attitude out of thin air, to be honest.

I look at it this way, I have a choice, be upset and unhappy with the situation, or try to make the best of it.

 

what are you going to gain from being upset? nothing. Maybe some sympathy from others, but that's fleeting and of little real comfort.

Believing that the best is yet to come makes the bad times pass by without all that additional unnecessary angst, you know?

 

It's rough today but I'm getting it thru it.

as they say, my track record for getting thru rough days so far is 100%

and that's pretty darn good, right?

 

 

I hope you have a wonderful holiday too, thank you

 

[Happy2Heal]

Question for mods and/or people who have done divided doses:

I've been thinking of moving my night time dose up so that eventually I only take one dose a day- 0.3 mgs in the morning instead of 0.15 twice a day.

 

 

My dosing schedule is usually 7 am and 7 pm (give or take 30 mins)

A few times I was going to be out at night, and needed to take the PM dose as much as a hour to 90 mins early, to avoid taking it very late.

 

the first time this happened, I had my best night ever. But I'd also come from a concert with very soothing music, that seemed to stay with me a long time.

 

the other times I took any earlier dose, I don't know if I slept any longer overall, but that first "nap" that is usually only an hour or 90 mins, was longer, lasting up to 2 hrs.

 

I don't really understand this at all.

I know that when I first began lexapro all those years ago, I needed to take it in the morning or I couldn't get to sleep at night.

 

what do you think about me moving the doses til it's just a single dose in the morning?

It would simplify things a great deal for me, as I'm finding that as my days are getting better and more "normal", I tend to forget the second dose or worry too much about missing it, and that just keeps me focused on the WD when I'd rather be thinking of more pleasant things.

 

any input appreciated!!

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

had a great day yesterday!!

was feeling almost "cured"-- if that's even possible while you're still on a tiny dose LOL

 

today I'm a bit shaky but I know that will pass.

 

I think it's the expectation that you're not "supposed to" be alone on the holiday but I am usually home alone on holidays and most of the time prefer it that way LOL

 

so I'll be ok.
Got Frogie to calm me down and may play a scrabble-like game online later

 

 

[Frogie]

I'm always here for you.

 

You know I need you too, just like yesterday.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by ChessieCat
removed quote after member name change

[Happy2Heal]

Update

 

well, I have several good days with a bad day here and there- and that bad day is almost always because I had certain "expectations"  and when the day did not go the way I'd wanted it to, I got frustrated, and had symptoms.

 

That tells me I have a lot more work to do on ACCEPTING and I have yet to figure out what FLOATING is LOL
yes I've read Hope and Help for Your Nerves, great book, highly recommend it

 

but I don't understand floating-  I hope that I can figure out how to do it.

 

right now my main issue is that I am awake from 4 am on and I have nothing to do for those hours before it's technically time to start your day.

 

I listen to relaxation CDs but am getting bored with those.

I try to read but can't seem to focus well, esp since I have nothing new to read that interests me (sadly at 4 am the only thing I'm really interested in reading about is the reason I'm awake= WD!!)

I've considered getting books on CDs but there aren't any that are inexpensive or free that I want to read, I do not want to be listening to classics at this time, NO!!

they tend to be quite depressing.

 

I would love something comedic, but I don't know of anything that is funny that comes on a CD

A comedic book would be good too, but must be light comedy. nothing heavy and def nothing based on current events etc

 

suggestions welcomed!!

 

SO, basically, I am stable on my tiny dose, and have gone from over 40 symptoms, almost all of those very bad (in the range of 8's to 10's)

to around 10 symptoms, and most of those, except for the insomnia, are mild to moderate on a bad day.

 

I have given up searching for the magic potion that will help me sleep. It appears it does not exist.

I am sad and frustrated by this but it does me NO good to get upset, that just brings on other symptoms such as vision issue, ringing in my ears and anxiety.

 

so, I am working on ACCEPTING and not being too hung up on any particular outcome- for anything.

 

TRYING very hard to just take what comes and go with it, learn to FLOAT whatever the heck that means! LOL

it's kind of pathetic that now that most of my worst symptoms are gone, I find myself feeling so upset about minor things. I know I need an attitude adjustment on that and am working on it.
But some days I may decide to wallow for a little while, just til I realize how damn silly that is

 

[chia1214]

Hi - thanks for visiting my thread! I speed-read your thread and you've come a long way on your tapering goals, good for you! I know a couple people who have never been able to sleep past 3 or 4am and they just get up and start their day at that time. They do keep their bedtime consistent, around 9 or 10pm. I know you're pretty informed about sleep hygiene and have reached out for ideas here. Just some Chia trivia - I love my amber, blue-blocking night life. I still don my glasses regularly in the evening about an hour or two before I'm ready to turn in. Sometimes I put them on sooner if I'm wanting to unwind. I can really feel the difference. Enjoy learning to float! Here's to embracing and befriending our nocturnal rhythms! -- Chia

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by ChessieCat
removed member name

[brassmonkey]

FLOATING is a lesson that can only be learned and not taught.  It's like being in a swimming pool, if you try to make yourself float you will sink, but if you LET yourself float you will.  You actually have a good grasp of what is needed, it just has to refine itself.

 

"so, I am working on ACCEPTING and not being too hung up on any particular outcome- for anything.

 

TRYING very hard to just take what comes and go with it, learn to FLOAT whatever the heck that means! LOL

it's kind of pathetic that now that most of my worst symptoms are gone, I find myself feeling so upset about minor things. I know I need an attitude adjustment on that and am working on it.
But some days I may decide to wallow for a little while, just til I realize how damn silly that is"

 

That is FLOATING in a nutshell.

[Happy2Heal]

oh good, thanks, Tom!!

 

whew

I was hoping it was something like that.

 

much easier said than done.

in the past, I actually used to be very good at just taking whatever came, in my life in general;

but that wave that hit this fall, hoooooweee that was a tough one lol

 

 

 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

On 12/30/2016 at 6:24 AM, chia1214 said:

Hi - thanks for visiting my thread! I speed-read your thread and you've come a long way on your tapering goals, good for you! I know a couple people who have never been able to sleep past 3 or 4am and they just get up and start their day at that time. They do keep their bedtime consistent, around 9 or 10pm. I know you're pretty informed about sleep hygiene and have reached out for ideas here. Just some Chia trivia - I love my amber, blue-blocking night life. I still don my glasses regularly in the evening about an hour or two before I'm ready to turn in. Sometimes I put them on sooner if I'm wanting to unwind. I can really feel the difference. Enjoy learning to float! Here's to embracing and befriending our nocturnal rhythms! -- Chia

 

 

thanks so much Chia

oh, I just ordered a pr of those glasses, good idea!

I have been trying to avoid TV, computer etc near bedtime

 

oh getting up at 3 or 4 would not be so bad if I was working, I'd probably welcome the extra time to do things.

I will try to float/ accept this if it turns out to be a permanent situation but I can't say that I'd like it very much.

If I could actually get to sleep at 9 that wouldn't be so bad, I think. but right now I don't usually fall asleep til after 10, regardless of how early I go to bed.

 

It will all get sorted out, I'm sure.

 

thanks again, your story is so encouraging.

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by ChessieCat
removed member name

[Happy2Heal]

HAIR OF THE DOG?

 

ok I have to admit something, in spite of coming here and trying to be and sound positive, I am 'positively' exhausted and feeling almost desperate for sleep

 

I know, I know, that's the exact OPPOSITE of acceptance and floating :/

 

I wanted to mention something that has helped me in the past and see what y'all think about me trying it again, possibly.

 

I have been in a similar place to this in the past (actually, in the past I wasn't even close to this bad) and requested and obtained a small dose of zyprexa (I believe it was 5 mgs and I might have taken only a fraction of that, I don't recall)

 

I was on zyprexa daily for about 3-4 mos (?) about er, 20 years ago or so for a (probably SSRI induced 'manic episode'- along with lithium, depakote and some benzo)

 

since then, I have taken a single small dose on two occasions when intrusive thoughts, insomnia and anxiety were ramping up to what felt like an intolerable level at that time (I laugh at my former self for thinking that what I experienced back then, was intolerable, after what I've been thru recently)

 

anyway, that small dose of zyprexa knocks me out for about 20 hrs or so, and leaves me groggy for about 2 to 3 days (also I will eat anything not nailed down til the drug is out of my system)
 

 

that amount of sleep helped turn things around quickly, and when the grogginess cleared up, I felt a lot better.

 

I am seeing a psychiatric nurse practitioner in a week (this is the only way that I can potentially get more liquid lexapro as my PCP is refusing to Rx any more refills)

I don't know what this new psych nurse will do, but based on past experience, chances are that I will be offered many different meds of all kinds. 

 

I am extremely tempted to take an RX for zyprexa at any dose she might suggest and cut it up if that's possible to do and take a wee bit for sleep

 

I know it's my decision and I know that most if not all of you may advise against it, but it would be helpful to know if anyone has attempted this and if it worked out ok for you.

 

I would also like permission to post this where more ppl will see it to get  more responses, as I am sure that quite a few ppl do not read every member's threads (I myself only read a handful at most) and so there's less chance of getting a wide variety of experiences/responses

 

there is one way that I am almost sure I would be able to get some decent sleep but so far I've yet to find anyone willing to do it for me- I need to have someone stay with me over night, or be at someone's house overnight.

I think it's my PTSD that makes it hard for me to relax when I am alone. I would so love to not be alone, just ONE night, to let my body get some real rest.

[Godiswithme]

I have no advice, but just wanted to tell you that I think you are such a kind hearted person and I wish all good things for you, you deserve the best.

[doggiemama]

Hi Cat I know u are worried about not sleeping and yes it's terrible but I would not add anything to your already sensitive cns. I was in a very bad way for a long time as regards to sleeping eventually decided if I was not going to sleep then I would just rest and that took the pressure off , I also do self acupuncture and smell lavender oil and I found it really helps.Do you have enough place in your house to maybe rent out a room to someone ? You could maybe in that way help someone and have company with you for a while.

[Happy2Heal]

Hi Cat I know u are worried about not sleeping and yes it's terrible but I would not add anything to your already sensitive cns. I was in a very bad way for a long time as regards to sleeping eventually decided if I was not going to sleep then I would just rest and that took the pressure off , I also do self acupuncture and smell lavender oil and I found it really helps.Do you have enough place in your house to maybe rent out a room to someone ? You could maybe in that way help someone and have company with you for a while.

hi doggiemama, thanks so much for stopping by and for your suggestions.

I will try to just rest, it's just sometimes I am so exhausted. 

 

if you don't mind me asking, how do you do self acupuncture? I tried lavender, I'm allergic to it. :/

I'd love to rent out a room but I'm not allowed to have anyone stay with me (for more than 14days in a year)

 

I'll get thru this. I am really not liking it very much but I'll manage somehow. 

just have to focus on one day at a time, right?

;-)

[AliG]

Cat. I've been there too. Hang in and it will reverse in the end. You don't have to do anything but survive. Moment by moment .

[Happy2Heal]

Cat. I've been there too. Hang in and it will reverse in the end. You don't have to do anything but survive. Moment by moment .

thanks AliG

I was so close to going to the ER last night, but was scared that they'd send me to the community mental health center's crisis center (which is not even a safe place- ppl with knives, no supervision,etc- yeh, great place for someone in crisis, eh? )

 

I keep telling myself, I got thru worse, I can make it thru this, but I'm so exhausted, I feel weak and seriously would love to have someone just "take care of me". but I can take care of myself.

I'm dealing with some very very intense PTSD flashbacks and anxious thoughts from the past that are hard to talk myself down from.

 

I did call a crisis line last night. they recommended being seen but could not promise that the ER wouldn't send me somewhere I don't want to go. So I stayed home.

[doggiemama]

Regarding acupuncture there are pressure points at your eyebrows at th he start of your eyebrow press for about a minute then in the middle and then at the end and under your eye in the middle were the eye socket and bone meet. I do this both sides as it calms and makes you sleepy . If you can't understand my description go into the internet and ask for selfhelp acupuncture for stress and sleeping

[AliG]

Cat .   No one can take care of you " more than you " .  There was a time in my journey when I had suicidal ideation where I thought it would be " bliss" to hand it over to someone else and just " check out ".  Unfortunately , it doesn't quite work that way. You have to hang in there no matter what . It changes.

 

Stay strong.  

[Happy2Heal]

Regarding acupuncture there are pressure points at your eyebrows at th he start of your eyebrow press for about a minute then in the middle and then at the end and under your eye in the middle were the eye socket and bone meet. I do this both sides as it calms and makes you sleepy . If you can't understand my description go into the internet and ask for selfhelp acupuncture for stress and sleeping

 

thank you I will try this!!!

your description is perfect by the way

[Happy2Heal]

Cat .   No one can take care of you " more than you " .  There was a time in my journey when I had suicidal ideation where I thought it would be " bliss" to hand it over to someone else and just " check out ".  Unfortunately , it doesn't quite work that way. You have to hang in there no matter what . It changes.

 

Stay strong.  

 

the reason I can't sleep now does not appear to be WD related but more trauma related, as I am fairly sure that I could fall asleep if there was someone with me to "keep watch" and "take over" in case of any emergency, and save/rescue/take care of the people I felt I needed to save during several traumas. I can't seem to convince my mind that these things happened in the PAST and I don't need to keep watch and protect any one any more, it's just me now and I am safe.

I keep trying to tell myself that but my brain appears to be stuck in the groove that if I let up for even a second, something terrible will happen (I'll either fail to protect someone or......not sure, I have multiple traumas spanning the first half of my life)

 

thank you so much for your encouraging words. So sorry for all that you have been thru. I don't have SI much, more like I feel everyone and everything is dying and that terrifies me. But that thought is fading in and out now.

 

I am trying to cling to my good days, wow! It's incredible how the bad ones seem to almost totally wipe out the memory of the good ones, and I find myself thinking that I was just kidding myself about how good they were.

 

I am tired of trying to 'tame my mind'.  I know I should just let go and accept and I am working on that. I can do it in little bits, it seems.

I guess that's all I need to do, little bits- right here and now.

[doggiemama]

You can do this kiddo. We all think we will never make it but we do