success ☼ Happy2Heal: Hope I'm doing this right

[Happy2Heal]

 

I'm looking forward to the yoga.

 

 

me too

just don't  laugh too hard when you see what I look like, ok?

 

 

for anyone else reading this, I'm going to get a webcam and Frogie and I are going to Skype with a camera, and do yoga together, even though we're like 3thousand miles away from each other

 

 

one of my yoga classes ended, but I think I can remember enough to get us thru some basic moves

 

;-)

[Junglechicken]

Awesome stuff you two!!

 

Now that's what I call "supporting" each other, lol!!

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by ChessieCat
removed quote after member name change

[Frogie]

Can't laugh at my looks either.

 

Can't wait for this to happen.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by ChessieCat
removed quote after member name change

[Happy2Heal]

had a crappy night, very little sleep, very restless w/anxious thoughts all night. My own fault, left some lights on, won't do that again!

 

low pressure here today too with showers, that probably has something to do with increase in symptoms

 

tempted to up dose every time I have a bad night or a bad day, but then I remember I've had some good days and good hours, so I will wait it out.

 

off to grocery shop, which I find hard to do when I have no appetite, but I gotta get some food in the house!!

[Frogie]

Sorry you had a bad night. Can't leave lights on lol...

 

It's snowing here, not much. Was supposed to yesterday, and it did a little, but was supposed to be cold today. Yucky white stuff.

 

My elbow is tingling. It drives me nuts. My nerve doesn't hurt anymore.

 

Have fun shopping.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by ChessieCat
removed quote after member name change

[direstraits]

sorry you had a bad night...it's awful when we can't sleep...I was doing well last night til around 3:30 when I was jolted awake by what sounded like gunfire or firecrackers! hubby saw no-one outside but set my anxiety off and took awhile to get back to sleep...,sheesh.

 

wanted to thank you for visiting my thread, and hope you start feeling better soon.

 

ds

[Happy2Heal]

feeling a little sea sick from the waves.....

 

thinking I'm going to give it to March 1st and if I don't start being able to sleep at least a few hours in a row, I will try a tiny up dose.

 

this lack of sleep is just wearing on me a bit too much. it's been so damn long. I know others have gone longer, but if I don't have to...

 

The only way to know if an up dose will help, is to try it.

[Happy2Heal]

tried to wait til March 1st but decided to updose back to 0.3mgs this am (from 0.27mgs)

the not sleeping, being extremely cold, anxious, the intrusive thoughts, SI, total loss of appetite- it's just not good. I now have anxiety later in the day about not being able to sleep at night.
I think I need to face the fact that I went too fast (& made too many changes, as well :/)

and try to find that "sweet spot" where my symptoms are manageable.

 

Will hold at 0.3mgs for at least 4 days to see if there's any improvement.

 

Praying that this does not make things worse, I know that's a risk I'm taking.

I have some supports in place to try to help  me thru it, if need be.

[MNgal1960]

So sorry to hear about your wave of symptoms. I hope the updose helps, but don't be discouraged if it takes longer than 4 days. Brains sometimes need awhile to re-stabilize. But it will happen!

 

MN

[Frogie]

I hope up dosing just that little bit will help you sleep more than anything.

 

If you can sleep, your appetite will be better and you will be happier.

 

Good luck.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by ChessieCat
removed quote after member name change

[Frogie]

Hi.

 

Hope you turned all the lights off and got a little sleep.

 

Maybe more than the night before?

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by ChessieCat
removed quote after member name change

[Happy2Heal]

thanks Frogie

 

well, so far, nothing terrible has happened, today is the second day of the updose from 0.27 back to 0.3

 

I think I fell asleep last night around 9:30?  I don't know, I try to avoid looking at a clock as it just makes me anxious. It's possible I fell asleep a half hour earlier, even. I go by what is on TV and I just don't recall, I had a PBS station on.

I woke up soaking wet with sweat and felt like I'd slept most of the night! but I knew it wasn't really morning, as the apt was still dark (sun wasn't up) so I got up to change out the wet clothes and feed the cat and it was only 2:30 am!! LOL

Good thing I checked,  if I start feeding the cat at 2:30 am, she'll want food at that time every day. it's bad enough she expects to be fed at 5:30 am, the time she was being fed in her previous foster home.

 

 

I am still having waves thru out the day with some calm periods in between. Have no motivation to do anything though. I have read thru a lot of Petunia's thread and some other threads and discovered that many of the symptoms I've been having are common, whew!

I was starting to think maybe the drs were right and that I have some genetic predisposition to depression and "need" to be on these drugs.

 

but I know this is not even close to "normal" depression, it's VERY different. It was re assuring to read others' descriptions of their symptoms, written much better than I can, and know that this is all just part of WD

 

a very unpleasant part of WD, of course, but just another sign that my brain is doing the work it needs to do, to heal.

 

as painful and bewildering as these symptoms are, they are just part of the process.

 

whew, one less thing to worry about!

[Frogie]

Were you able to lay down and at least rest?

 

I hope so.

 

When we get going on this yoga, I can't wait to see the rats and Crispie. You'll get to see Brownie.

 

We will be able to help each other. You helping me more, getting me going on yoga. I can't wait.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

[Happy2Heal]

just want to take this time to thank everyone who stops by my thread to comment, ask questions and offer support, I really appreciate it, more than you could know.

 

under the heading, neurons that fire together, wire together, I'd also like to take this time to mention some things that have improved

**My scalp is no longer breaking out (this was really bad starting in last Oct and only just stopped a few weeks ago!) it was def a WD symptom, not some new shampoo, I always use the same products.

**also my hair is growing back in!! I noticed just how much on a windy day because most of my hair was in a pony tail but all the newer, shorter hairs were getting whipped around, lol!!    I looked kinda like a mad scientist but I was happy to see that my hair is growing back!

 

**over the past couple of weeks, the anxiety attacks have become a bit less frequent. Some days I only have a handful of short ones, which is great!

 

**while I don't have much of an appetite, I also don't have ANY kind of digestive upset, no stomach pain, nausea, etc (I had those issues off and on since Oct as well)

 

**hmm, what else?  I am able to tolerate silence from time to time, even when the ringing in my ears is bad (that has diminished some but always pops up when I am anxious, and also just at random times for no reason, just a wave)

 

I am sure there are other things, I will add them when I think of them.

I looked back thru some of my earlier posts, when I was going thru the worst of it, and am shocked to see that I did NOT post, at least not in any detail, just how bad things were.

and I remembered today why that is-

because I have read that "neurons that fire together, wire together" and so I was not willing to even discuss the bad stuff much at all, I did not want to give them any power to grow and take over. I want to repeat out loud only the good things, and minimize the not good, as much as I can. Or, If I have to mention them, always add, that I got thru them. It was hard, but I am proud of all the work I did to get thru that rough time! I am stronger than I ever imagined! I am brave and resourceful!

and I will from this time forward, become a person who is more deliberate in my actions and less impulsive. I will hold on during the bad stuff even longer and try even harder, before reaching to do something that may just upset things more!!

 

 

I did get angry when I was trying to ignore the bad stuff and that did  not make the bad stuff end!! hahaha

Of course, getting angry made things worse, til I learned that I need to accept and float (very hard to do and I rarely think I'm doing it right, but at least now, I TRY)

 

OH, I know some other good stuff!
:)
I have some good mornings!  It used to be that mornings were always the worst, and the day gradually got better, with evenings being the best.

 

lately, I've had some peaceful mornings, only getting some symptoms more towards noon. and not really too too bad either.

 

all of the symptoms are manageable. praying that they stay that way.

The worst of the waves are short; it's more a matter of waves coming and going thru out the day.

 

I hope this gives someone hope. It does get better.

 

I can still say that the trend has always been positive, but the changes in the positive direction are much more subtle now, I really have to go looking for them.

 

ok, some old symptoms return for a visit from time to time, just to remind me how bad things were, I guess LOL And maybe to remind me to stay grateful that things are, indeed, getting better.

 

we do a mantra in yoga that goes, May I be well, may I be happy, may I be filled with loving kindness

 

 

to you all I say: May you be well, may you be happy and may you be filled with loving kindness

 

namaste!

[KarenB]

Namaste!  Beautiful update. 

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by ChessieCat
removed member name

[Shep]

Hi,

 

That's a brilliant post! 

 

I hear you on not getting trapped in the negativity of this. You've been on my thread, so you know I'm a huge Mooji fan. He's not into mantras, but when pressed to offer one, he says to use the words "thank you" and offer out gratitude.

 

Your post reminded me of this, so thank you for that reminder. Gratitude, acceptance, and the "accept and float" strategy that you write so beautifully about can make withdrawal a bit less scary. And in turn, that makes us feel better. 

 

I hope this healing trend continues for you. And that the positive vibe you're putting out is incorporated in your new baseline as you heal - "the neurons that fire together wire together". Very nice. 

 

Sending healing vibes your way. 

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by ChessieCat
removed member name

[Blondiee1915]

Great update! We cannot fight the waves but we can learn how to surf them. Thank you for that positivity Cat. Much needed today

[Happy2Heal]

thanks Shep and Blondie

 

another thing that's improved: my vision! I have some periods when I can see fairly well. Any kind of stress will cause my vision to revert to very blurry, so shopping is still a chore but hopefully in time, that will improve as well.

 

it makes things seem a lot less scary when I can see them better!!

 

Shep, I watched that video you posted by Mooji about not attaching meaning to the fear, and will be working on doing that. It's hard, when I feel that fear and dread, I mind seems to automatically want to find a reason for it, and this has led me to being afraid of all sorts of totally innocuous things LOL
It does make a lot more sense to just let the fear exist without doing that, but it can be so hard.

I guess it's an evolutionary thing: there must be a reason for the fear, and you must find out what is causing it, so you can avoid harm...

so we almost have to disable that response in a way, I guess. :/  at least for WD fear.

 

oh one more good thing!! while I still have night sweats and then chills in the morning, they are getting less severe and don't last as long.

[MNgal1960]

I'm really glad to hear you are seeing some improvement.

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by ChessieCat
removed member name

[Happy2Heal]

 

thanks MN

well I did recently updose from 0.27 back to 0.3 (was on 0.3 for a few months) This is day 3 of the updose, but I tend to respond to dose changes almost immediately, so some of this may be the updose.

 

overall, though, things have steadily improved since reinstating. I did mess things up in early January when I switched too rapidly from twice a day dosing to once a day, that upset everything and I ended up in the ER with SI, and got some low dose zyprexa to pull me out of that.

 

but, yes, I'm recovering from that mishap and back to a more steady pattern of windows and waves, each being far less dramatic than before.

the waves are not too bad and the windows are subtle, but I can find them If I look hard enough.

 

the over all trend has been toward healing/improving, which is very encouraging!! it's so easy to think this will never end when you are in the midst of a bad wave, isn't it?

 

I hope you are feeling better. were you able to find any "Warm Lines" in your area? we have one run out of a peer support group, it used to be only in service twice a week, now it's open daily from something like 5 to 10 pm. Pretty good staffing, as it's all volunteers.

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by ChessieCat
removed quote after member name change

[Happy2Heal]

I am so grateful for this forum, for Alto and the mods and for all of you who are willing to share your stories, the good, the bad and the ugly

 

it's hard to read of so many people suffering, of course. 
While I am grateful for the support and encouragement, I also especially appreciate those who are able to put words to their suffering, it lets me know that the things I'm going thru are indeed, "normal" for WD, so I don't freak out and think I'm a hopeless case or too far gone from traumas and other things in my life, to ever recover. I truly appreciate how hard it is to face the darkness and name it. When I was going thru it, I just wanted it to end. I didn't want to face it. If I had had the courage to read some of your stories early on, I might have avoided the worst of what I've gone thru, but instead, I wanted to believe that the worst stuff was either an exaggeration, or very rare. I see now that it's very often a result of doing the same thing I did, recklessly CT'ing and/or tapering too fast. (of course I did both lol)

 

But even after making my mistakes, it's been helpful to read that what I'm going thru is not out of the realm of what WD can do. That's both scary and reassuring. It's good to know that these things will end, they are not part of my personality "without drugs".

whew!!

 

To all of you going thru this, hang on, as hard as it is at times, it's going to get better. Don't let your WD brain tell you it's not, because it WILL.

 

Go slow. it's worth it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here follows some random thoughts as my day turns a bit brighter and I finally feel a bit more back in my own body, but not quite back to my old self. not sure who that even is:

 

funny thing about all the meditation and deep breathing I've been doing, I am now calmer in my body than I have ever been in my entire life. This I am sure of.

My mind, during the waves, goes to a very fearful and anxious place, but my body rarely goes there with it.

 

so give meditation a try, if you haven't already. It's good for your overall health.

I am now off all blood pressure medication and have a BP of 117/72 - even though I lost about 10-15lbs from the digestive upsets back in Oct-Nov, so not the best way to lose wt, I am now just 6 lbs away from being a normal weight. For the first time in over 40 yrs!!

 

so, as bad as this has been, there are some "silver linings". I am so glad I started to clean up my diet before I decided to get off the lexapro, I think that's making a huge difference. Also giving up coffee and black tea, just drink the herbal stuff now. It's all been about being as healthy as I can be.

 

 

I used to think that was my drs' job. To "make me" healthy. I used to think it was a therapist's job and a psychiatrist's job to make me well, emotionally/psychologically. I never understood that I was responsible for my own health, it just didn't ever really sink in. I "knew" it on one level but not on the deep level where you know, only you can change the things you do. You have to stop making excuses to yourself and for your bad habits. You have to do the work to change them.

 

I have changed so much in the past 3 or 4 yrs since I started my wellness journey. I am still a bit nervous about the changes, they don't always 'feel good', because so much is different. I find myself frequently disoriented and confused. But I also find that there are places opening up for me to make other decisions about how I live my life now, how I spend my time, and I am much more aware of that being a choice. I  used to just go thru life on auto pilot.

 

 

so yes, as bad as this has been, it's part of a bigger picture for me, where the over all trend is only positive. I only wish I'd started sooner, but at least I did start. And I've gotten a LOT further than I ever dreamed was possible.

 

It just took that first step, taking responsibility.

 

thanks for letting me ramble. I don't feel comfortable sharing this information with too many others in my life, but we have all been thru so much together, I feel like I can share it here.

 

<3

[Happy2Heal]

day four of up dosing, not sure now if it was such a good idea....  ???

 

Or if my lack of sleep last night was due to over eating during the day, and eating too late at night. Stupid mistakes I make when I'm feeling pretty decent :/

 

I got maybe a half hour of sleep last night. 

 

Not feeling so great this morning, anxiety and no motivation to do the things I'd planned and looked forward to just last night.

 

But, just because I feel crappy right now does not mean the day will stay this way, It could improve.

I will force myself to do those things that must be done, and see how it goes.

 

what else can one do, right?

 

A note to ppl who may wish to post, please do NOT post that you are sorry that I'm in a wave. It's not that I don't appreciate the concern, I DO! however, it immediately registers in my brain that there is something "wrong" that I need sympathy for, and that is NOT the case.

I am in a wave because my brain is working hard to heal itself, so, while I'm not asking anyone to say "Congratulations, you're feeling crappy cuz you're healing" LOL I really prefer not to hear the words "I'm sorry"

I don't feel sorry for myself, and I don't want anyone else to feel sorry for me.

I hope I explained that they way I mean it....

 

it's so hard to find the right words sometimes, but there are times, like today, when I am super sensitive to certain words.

 

I'll get that window back open again, my brain is taking some time to tweak some more stuff, is all.

[scallywag]

How about, keep on truckin'

[Happy2Heal]

How about, keep on truckin'

 

 

I like it!! reminds me of the old bumper stickers with the big footed fella stepping out**, boy does this date me or what? LOL

thanks Scallywag

 

 

Oh, one good thing: no night sweats last night! sweet!!

 

**http://www.kotapparel.com/index.php?main_page=about_rc

see bottom of page, it's often just one guy, sometimes several

[Frogie]

Hey you:

 

Hopefully you'll feel better this afternoon, so we can do yoga.

 

I woke up with a headache this morning, my brain must be scrambled lol...

 

I have no motivation this morning, so totally understand you don't have any either. But your's is for other reasons.

 

I kept you from eating earlier in the evening, I won't do that again.

 

Let me know if you want to do yoga this afternoon or not.

 

Awesome no night sweats!

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

[Happy2Heal]

 

I kept you from eating earlier in the evening, I won't do that again.

 

 

no Frogie, it's not your fault, I was too lazy to hang up and do what I knew I needed to do, I'll keep better track of the time from now on. I also didn't think it would be too big of a deal, as the day  had gone so well. I must remember, a window does NOT mean that I throw my whole schedule and all the self care stuff I do, OUT the window LOL

 

gotta stick with the program! cuz it works

 

re- yoga-don't know about later today, hard to make plans on days like this, you know?

right now I want to crawl under the covers and hide, but I gotta walk down to the PO and mail something. crappy overcast day, trying to psych myself up for this.

 

I know,I will be grateful that it is not a blazing hot sunny day! it's not that cold, just raw and damp and cloudy, that's no big deal.

 

it's odd how much the weather affects me in WD. It always did affect my moods, but it's greatly exaggerated in WD.

a cold day or a snowy day makes me quiver with fear, I have to find a way to make friends with the cold and snow again, or next winter (and the rest of this one) will be just awful.

 

I used to enjoy the cold, back when I was fat and always hot and sweaty lol

 

 

have a good day, friend

[Frogie]

We will keep track of time. That's both of our faults. Mostly mine though. My mouth just keeps going lol...

 

It's supposed to snow here today. Less than an inch, but start out with rain. So it will be slick.

 

Let me know about yoga, we can always try for tomorrow.

 

Brownie has me under the covers already. She's something else.

 

Be careful going to the PO.

 

I'll talk to you soon.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

[Happy2Heal]

what a difference a day makes, eh?
 

I have a question about blood work done during WD.
A year ago I had a surprising elevation in billirubin in my bloodwork, both direct and indirect.

 

I asked the dr what might cause that, she said possibly a gallstone blocking the bile duct or something to that effect. However I had my gallbladder out in 2003

 

my billirubin came up high again in the last blood work done and now they are testing it again.

 

Has anyone had an issue with this during WD?
I don't know enough about these liver things to even be able to guess what might be causing it.

 

No one seems too concerned, but it bothers me that I'm not getting any answers as to a cause.

[Happy2Heal]

just got a call from the drs office. my billirubin is still up, both direct and indirect.  but just slightly.

 

dr has no clue why but said maybe Gilbert's syndrome. Um, no, I'm 61 yrs old, I wouldn't suddenly have this now and never before, it's a genetic syndrome. Not to mention, I have an identical twin sister and she doesn't have it.

 

dr's not concerned, and I'm not *really* concerned either, just annoyed that they'd come up with such an absurd potential reason.

 

hmm, neuro emotions today

[Happy2Heal]

crawling thru it, minute by agonizing minute, this is by far the worst day I've had since er, November I think?

 

or maybe I'm not remembering clearly.

 

boy, the windows are great but the contrast between yesterday and today is making today extra hard to take

 

You'd think I'd be grateful to have had such a good day, and deep down inside somewhere I"m sure I am grateful but.........

 

not liking today.

 

trying to float, feel like I'm sinking

[scallywag]

Sometimes the difference between floating and sinking is remembering to breathe.

[Happy2Heal]

Sometimes the difference between floating and sinking is remembering to breathe.

 

wow you hit the nail on the head there, I wasn't breathing very deeply. I did some deep breathing and that helped. Did some stretches too but was too tired for yoga.

[Happy2Heal]

HOW TO TELL IF AN UP DOSE WAS A MISTAKE and what to do about it?

 

on the 25th, I decided to try updosing from 0.27 back to 0.3 (where I'd been for several months) because I was still having so much trouble sleeping.

 

well, I was feeling ok for the first couple of days, but my sleep didn't get better, it got worse. and my anxiety level has gone up and I'm feeling disconnected and unmotivated and no where near as good as I did just a few days ago.

 

I don't know what to do. I was not sleeping well on the 0.27 but at least, when I wasn't asleep, I could just lay there and relax and not feel bad. Now I can't sleep, and I lay there with all these thoughts in my head that I can't shut off.

I am terrified of making another change but I feel like going up may have been a mistake.

 

 

should I go back down to 0.27?

should I gradually reduce from 0.3 to 0.29, etc to see if things get better?

so much for holding :/

I am disgusted with myself. I really just wanted to sleep for like 5 hrs in a row, it's been SO long since that's happened (about 6 mos now) only time I got a long stretch of sleep, about 6hrs, was on zyprexa, so that's drugged sleep, not natural sleep.

 

I don't want to have drugged sleep but I am having a lot of anxiety at night now about not sleeping.

 

for those of you who got thru months and months without sleep, how did you manage it?

[Dan998]

I had many sleepless months. I'm not sure how I coped with it, because my brain felt so foggy and I was spaced out all the time.

 

I did things like blackout curtains, not going on the computer in the evening, going to bed and getting up at the same time and listening to audio books when I woke up too early.

 

I occasionally took diphenhydramine or zopiclone when things got really bad, but would feel really groggy the following day.

 

Ultimately, the only thing that really worked was to endure the sleepless nights and eventually it slowly got better and my sleep is almost back to normal now.

[Happy2Heal]

I had many sleepless months. I'm not sure how I coped with it, because my brain felt so foggy and I was spaced out all the time.

 

I did things like blackout curtains, not going on the computer in the evening, going to bed and getting up at the same time and listening to audio books when I woke up too early.

 

I occasionally took diphenhydramine or zopiclone when things got really bad, but would feel really groggy the following day.

 

Ultimately, the only thing that really worked was to endure the sleepless nights and eventually it slowly got better and my sleep is almost back to normal now.

 

hi Dan, thanks so much for stopping by and for sharing your experience.

 

what did you do with all those long hours? you mentioned audiobooks, I've tried that but couldn't find any that held my interest. I'll keep looking...

I do try to read and interestingly, I often feel like I'm going to fall asleep while reading, but as soon as I put the book down, I'm wide awake again.

it's almost like my brain needs to be distracted enough and then it will relax and let me sleep.

 

I also notice that I am much more likely to fall asleep during a tv program that I'm interested in- just as it gets to something I really want to see, I've gone to sleep.

there's no drowsiness, there's no feeling of drifting off, I'm either awake, or asleep, boom! like that.

 

I guess I just need more things to read that really interest me. Sadly what interests me the most these days is WD and reading about that can sometimes increase my anxiety, as I see how long others have suffered and worry that it's going to be like that for me.

 

I think I'll see if I can find some books that focus on ways to help speed recovery.

 

thanks again, Dan

[Happy2Heal]

question for mods or others with experience with updosing:

 

I think I made a mistake, I updosed on the 25th from 0.27 back to 0.3 (where I'd been for several months)


this is day 5, and I am feeling worse, not better.

Do you think I should quickly go back down to 0.27 or drop the dose slowly each day,

or alternatively, hold at 0.3


my sleep went from bad to worse and the day time hours are all bad now, no more "hard mornings getting better thru out the day"




I have a very restless feeling inside, this is a new symptom. Not sure what to do for it
trying to accept and float.

 

 

it's amazing that such a small change has thrown things off so much.