I promised to come back and write my story after 2 years off ssri, its been now 2years and 6months off and i have got my life back. I can finally say that iam happy, excited and full of joy and love again for everything in this beautiful world! <3 After a really long suffering.. Iam pleased and blessed to be one of those who comes out as a survivor.
if you having a real hell, read my story, and know there is hope.. Everyone has their own journey. My journey was for sure the hardest journey i have been going thru in my whole life and my life has not been easy , i can say that without going into detail. So Ssri WD is REAL and it is NOT easy. that is a fact, believe it and make the journey as comfty as possible with all your tools you have around you.
The story im about to post under here will be my last one, bc there is nothing after this moment bc i can feel i have healed. There is a point when you feel you are yourself again. I know it and it feels wonderful.. I will still login from time to time to try support every brave person in here.. and being patient is the keyword. If you are patient you can do it.
My story from the start to the end of this crazy trip.
After a few weeks, the body went in chock. You could be perfectly fine one day then the next day your whole world would be upside down.
I were in a desperate need of help, of something that i didnt know what. I thought i was prepared but I wasnt. I had never ever in my whole life experience what i was about to experience.
How could I be prepared of something i had never gone thru before? No in my mind before I decided to stop my ssri, i was determinded to stop and success. i was a fighter , i tried to quit for 4 years. I came to a point were I felt I had to stop. My life with the medicine was a hell, my body was failing
high bloodpressure, kidneyproblems, gained alt of weight, felt more depressed, tired all the time and had no feeling of either happiness or anger at all. i was living in a emotionell cold world were emotions didnt exist.
I took my last pill and prayed to something up there, even tho im not really religious but i prayed that this would be the right time to finally start to live my life without it.
I didnt feel i needed it anymore since I felt it only caused me problems, i came to a point were i bascially cudnt care less if i died right there and then on the medicine so it was bad.
I was excited, and happy. Had told myself to daily tell myself what i will experience if i will experience anything it will be bc i stopped the medicine and not bc iam sick or that iam going insane. I felt strong..
A few weeks passed, i felt a bit anxious and restless but extremly excited to win this battle. I felt hyper.. more time went by and i was thinking i had made it for once, but wow how wrong i were.
Then one night i felt like something inside me exploded and this huuuuuge panic spread trhu my body , i got what i felt was blackout after blackout in my head, flashes , lighting in my head and a hedache from hell and i was thinking now i will probably pass out. I didnt.
I coudlnt sit still, i coudlt lay down, i screamed in panic of this unknown thing that was happening inside my body .. I run thru livingroom,, bathroom, kicthen , all in panic begging not to die. Then i called hospital and they said u probably having a panicattack. ( i had never ever experience one before)
I had panicattacks roll in one after another for 6 hours that night praying to trust the hospital that i woudlnt die.
From that point my life started to become the worst nightmare i had ever experience.
When i finally got some sleep, I woke up in panic, felt like someone or something just shot me in my heart and i had to wake up, all shaky and panicing i wud die again, over and over , night after night .. I went to hospital , emergency I said something is terrible wrong and u have to check me out, I remember that day when i were going to hospital and i bearly remember where i were or who i were, I felt so confused.
When i were at the train, i bascially ran thru the whole train until it stopped, in panic. People looked at me but i cudnt care less bc i were in my own world.
I LIVED in panic, daily. Doctor took tests, didnt find anything wrong. I never believed them, i got paranoid and felt EVERYONE was against me. I felt the world is mad and crazy and i thought every single doctor wanted to lie or harm me.
I were scared I coudlnt work bc i coudlnt leave my house anymore.
What first started as panic, got to insomnia, my body never found rest, i didnt sleep correctly for months, i slept max 2 -3 hours, i started to hallucinate and having huge nightmares.
then one day i stood in my livingroom looking out of the window, it felt ike a movie, not real. hard to explain but scary. I looked out again , looked at my cat , had forgotten his name even tho i had him fr 6 years..
i went to rest on the day to try sleep, woke up with the weirdest feeling ever, CONFUSION , i asked myself in my head. what is my name? I tried to force myself to remember and when i did i started to cry alot, bc i was scared of why i wud forget my own name or were i were.
I walked into kicthen, then in the kicthen i asked myself were am I ? i had already forgot. I called doctor said im loosing my memory i need help. They took tests ect didnt find any wrong..
Another strange symtom that I had which was probably the most scary one aswell, was that one day when i woke up , i didnt connect with one side of my body.. It didnt feel like that arm, that hand was connected to my body, and that feeling was very very weird and scary.
It felt so weird when i moved that side, it just didnt match and i cudnt connect to it. My recuse was when i met a man who told me he also had it in wd, and its normal and nothing to be scared of and it also had a name. It made me feel better because i thought i had a braindamage somehow.
Another day while standning in the livingroom looking out of the window, i got the most painful hedache and pain in my eyes and neck that i thought right there and then that my head wud explode.
My neck was cramping, so stiff , my muscles cudnt relax, after that "attack" i have had eyefloates and a stiff neck that is hard to make relax and suffer from migranes.
Just a few days after while layig in bath my head started, this noise that i never had experience before .. but i knew that this buzzing head, vibrations is common in wd so i force to tell myself, its bc of the medicine.. But so annoying.
Dizziness catch me pretty bad , balanceissues, felt like i were standing on a boat for months.
Brainzaps came too
Then frustration and sadness.. I was so aggressive to the point were i cudnt even see anyone bc of the risk i wud just shout at that person for no reason. I stayed inside , isolated myself from people around me and the anger i felt for the community and doctors etc was extremly intense. It took me long time, over a year bascially to trust a doctor again after what i went thru, because they never warned me or believed me.
then we have the sadness, oh wow.. the sadness that came to me was deep sorrow, i cried daily for months, begged to die bascially , i cried for everything!
All worlds misery, i thought of my life - i cried. I watched a movie maybe not even a sad one i cried. I watched the news I cried. I cudnt no anything at all without crying..
three months of extreme sadness..
Burning skin also occur after i stopped my ssri, its way much better now but its been a big problem aswell.
Tremor is coming and go still but alot better..
I developed musclespasm/cramp in my right side of body nighttime after a few months and had it for almost 2 years :/
I went into a brainscan and i did eeg , everything was negative.
There are alot of symtoms that i went thru, everyting was a mess in my head for a very long time, i realise now that my body was in chock for a very long time. It took me a long time to recover and it took me hard work.
have to learn how to regulate each and every emotion again, have to learn how to relax (bc ur body cant) have to learn how to be patient, everything u took for granted before .. it felt like starting from scratch again..
And also I were very hypocondric for a very long time, i was sure i was dying.I was sure i had MS, parkinsson, ALS, lyme disease, braintomour, all in one!
It didnt help that doctors said no u r fine, i was 100% sure i had something inside me that was killing me and i wudnt last long. to walk with this fear daily for months, up to a year is hard.
Thinking u will die soon and there is no way u can continue your life.
I started to write letters to every single person that i cared about, telling them that my time has come and i wont be here for so much longer. Then i laid down and i cried and i prepared for death.
that period was something that i didnt even existed. I went thru my life, started to regret stuff that i had done while i was "living a good life" i tried to make up by calling ppl that i loved , saying sorry , and stuff like that.
and then i waited, in my bed .. for death. Every night for a long time i called this man which was a new friend, crying , every night thinking this wud be my last night. He helped me thru the night.. He was my angel going thru the same **** that i were going thru.
This deathfear and hypocondric feeling was with me for a long time, months, or maybe up to a year before i actually cud start to relax and understand that i was actually not dying.
I started to exercise some, from time to time.. at first i got huge fatigue and pain in my muscles, but after a while i cud do it more and more.. it felt good.
What i didnt realise when i decided to stop my ssri was that i had to actually create myself again from start.
I have alwatys been a very strong and independent women, always fit for fight and took care of my own **** until i went on that journey , from starting my ssri to become healed from it.
I will say like many others have said that has quit it.. I regret 100% that i ever started it.
And i wish those pills cud ONLY be given to ppl who are extremly suicidal.. bc i was not and i got them quite easy and what i went thru when i stopped it will always be a memory of fear in my mind.
Today, 2 years and 6months after the last pill i can finally say i feel fit for fight again!!
I can exercise alot and hard ..I do hard work and my body feels perfectly fine with it.
I can eat whatever i want, and i do sleep maybe a bit too much nowdays but there is no problem at all to sleep 8 hours + .
I work AND i study at the same time. I feel its perfectly fine.
the oneside cramps has stopped since a while back.
Today i can live, today i see only possibilities in my life and im very happy. I have a wonderful fiance that i love from the bottom of my heart, a very supportive man.
Im looking forward to have my own kids soon and to live happy for the rest of my life. I have learn my lesson. No more drugs!
What I learn thru my journey what my body felt best with, was to cut off
Careful with suppliments, herbs and coffein.
Coffeine and sugar was a great activator for symtoms to increase.
Do relaxation daily, be in a calm place, dont have too much stimula around u, I got very paniced and confused in the beginning when i had too much ”action” around me.. It cud be too much ppl, too much noise, too much flashings etc, my brain wud stop work and i wud just panic and start to shake.
This doesnt happen today, its very rare i can be around alot of ppl i work in a stressful job and it works fine today.
At one point aswell i cudnt watch tv, or listen to music bc it wud cause me to panic and it felt it was way to intense for me.. like my brain cudnt handle all the information.