I am not a moderator, or an expert by any means. I started reading your post and followed right up until the last one and even now I remain confused. If I am confused, I can only imagine how confused you must feel!!
Please understand that my intent is not to upset you; in 2002 I was EXACTLY where you are. I was in a very high stress job and that is when I let my doctor put me on the cocktail of drugs I remain on today, desperately trying to get off. Hindsight is indeed 20/20, but my husband and I agree, that had we known then what we know now (or even ten years ago) I should have quit my job right then, done what I needed to do to stabilize myself and my life w/o these toxic drugs, and then somehow get back to work when that happened. Not making that choice has literally cost me my career/life. It took me about ten years, and much research to realize that the drugs had, and were, only contributing to destroy my physical and mental health.
Okay, back to you. Do you write down your drug intake every day? I read and re-read several of your posts and I was not sure even with the last one if you are still taking mirtazapine or not. (updating your signature when you have changed is important) Perhaps if you write down, every day, when you take a drug and what dose you will be able to see more clearly what you are doing to yourself. If you are taking meds at work, just keep notes on your phone. I am currently doing this with my diet as I have severe digestive illness. When I have symptoms, I can look back and see what I ate the previous few days, hours, etc. and try to connect it to what I am feeling. When you try to keep this stuff in your head, especially in such a high anxiety state, you cannot possibly be clear in communicating to yourself or others what you are doing, and no one can help you.
I think you have to make a plan, with the help of the moderators, and stick to it. They can't help you if they don't understand what you are doing. Your brain is so confused it can't stabilize because it has no idea what is coming next. All the drugs you take, or have taken, are difficult tapers and need extremely careful tapering so steady blood levels can be achieved.
I do understand that quitting your job may not be an option for you. That's what I thought too. I didn't even consider it and I just kept letting my doctor manipulate my drugs/dosing so I could manage. Maybe you could start trying to find a less stressful job. I speak from the school of very, very hard knocks. I made it through my last year of teaching but I never went back and had to retire, w/o pay, at the age of 48 because by the end of that year my brain could not handle much any more. I loved my job, I was good at my job, and I lost it all ( including, to this day, any quality of life) because of the drugs I so unwittingly allowed my doctor to put me on. I trusted him. In the end, it cost me more than had I quit. I wish I had had contact with people such as those on this site back then...all I am able to do now is an excruciatingly slow taper that will take years and years.
Delia, you need help with this. No one can help you if you keep changing your dosing, and don't make a plan and move from there. If the plan changes every day, it is not a plan. Sure, changes need to be made to accommodate tapering rates, but what you are doing is only going to make you worse.
I really am trying to help. I know you don't need to be upset any more than you are. To the moderators, if this post seems too harsh or upsetting, just take it down. I want to help Delia. That's all.