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cant hold on to thoughts


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#1 sarabb

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Posted 05 May 2016 - 07:39 AM

I feel like i cant hold on to my thoughts. Like a knife is cutting through my organs. And my liver is overpoisoned. Anyone with the same exeriences? I know its a little confusing to read. But I cant say it differently

When I was 15 years old i had a kundalini rising. It was a wake up call from what I had been my whole life, a person who always did what others told me to do and never loved anyone. I was a very scared child because my mother was always very worried. In december 2010 i got locked in a psychiatric hospital. I was there for almost a half year, they felt they could do nothing to help me. Then I got locked in again i august 2011 and got the strongest antipsuchotic drug there is, Cisordinol, its not allowed in the US. I was a zombie for one year, my psychologist said I had got a prefrontal lobotomy, that I had PTSD and the the only thing worse was war torture. My parents did nothing else than bullying me with the things i couldn´t. For a couple of years, I did nothing. I mourned over my life who I had lost and time flew as it does to those who had lost their sence of time. In december 2014 I was close to death because of the drugs. From around march 2015 things started to turn the right way for me, my near death experience was a wake up call for me, I was filled with love and accept and I met my boyfriend. I was also at a psychiatric hospital again from january 2015 to september 2015. When I got out I thought that now was my life starting to go the right way for me. I stopped with the medication from one day to another and it was the worst mistake I ever made. I was in withdrawal and I started to forget and it just continued to be worse and it still does. Along with that I got locked in again from january 2016 to may 2016. I had no other choise than to take medication otherwise they would let me do nothing. The place where I live now forces me to take medication, otherwise I cant live there and I have nowhere else to live. I had left my first boyfriend despite i still loves him and believes that we one day can be together again but I felt that he didnt understood what I was going through. I have a new friend/ boyfriend who I feel understands my feelings and that it is okay to be sad and frustrated. Whenever my mom is visiting me I just wanna vomit and thats one of my main problems. Please write to me if you find me interesting or you have experienced something similar to me.


#2 Mjau

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Posted 08 May 2016 - 11:22 AM

Can you describe in a bit more detail how it is not to be able to hold on to your thoughts? 

 

I guess I'm experiencing something similar. And now that I try to describe it it is difficult. There is a beginning of a thought but I can't finish it.... Especially now that I write in english I find it difficult but this is also the case in my native language. I think it has to do with difficulties finding words that match what you are feeling, thinking.


1997-1999 Citalopram 20 mg

1999-2014 Sertraline 50 mg

2012 Sertraline very quick taper due to side effects. Switched to Wellbutrin 150 mg-300 mg. Reinstated Sertraline 25 mg-50 mg.

2013 Exhaustion. Wellbutrin 150 mg. Sertraline 75 mg-100 mg.

Sept 2014 Found this site. Started tapering. Sertraline 87,5 mg + Wellbutrin 150 mg 

Aug 2015 No more Wellbutrin!! Sertraline 50 mg

2016 Sertraline 35 mg (January) - 33 mg (March 21st) - 32,5 mg (July 11) - 32 mg (July 27)

2017 March 28,2 mg and holding

 


#3 sarabb

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Posted 08 May 2016 - 12:56 PM

Like i am saying the same thought over and over again in my head. Like i cant think clearly. I feel confused. Deeply confused all the time and i dont know who i am and its such a huge sorrow for me to have lost myself. I cant control my thoughts and i dont know what i may do because i i cant control myself.

When I was 15 years old i had a kundalini rising. It was a wake up call from what I had been my whole life, a person who always did what others told me to do and never loved anyone. I was a very scared child because my mother was always very worried. In december 2010 i got locked in a psychiatric hospital. I was there for almost a half year, they felt they could do nothing to help me. Then I got locked in again i august 2011 and got the strongest antipsuchotic drug there is, Cisordinol, its not allowed in the US. I was a zombie for one year, my psychologist said I had got a prefrontal lobotomy, that I had PTSD and the the only thing worse was war torture. My parents did nothing else than bullying me with the things i couldn´t. For a couple of years, I did nothing. I mourned over my life who I had lost and time flew as it does to those who had lost their sence of time. In december 2014 I was close to death because of the drugs. From around march 2015 things started to turn the right way for me, my near death experience was a wake up call for me, I was filled with love and accept and I met my boyfriend. I was also at a psychiatric hospital again from january 2015 to september 2015. When I got out I thought that now was my life starting to go the right way for me. I stopped with the medication from one day to another and it was the worst mistake I ever made. I was in withdrawal and I started to forget and it just continued to be worse and it still does. Along with that I got locked in again from january 2016 to may 2016. I had no other choise than to take medication otherwise they would let me do nothing. The place where I live now forces me to take medication, otherwise I cant live there and I have nowhere else to live. I had left my first boyfriend despite i still loves him and believes that we one day can be together again but I felt that he didnt understood what I was going through. I have a new friend/ boyfriend who I feel understands my feelings and that it is okay to be sad and frustrated. Whenever my mom is visiting me I just wanna vomit and thats one of my main problems. Please write to me if you find me interesting or you have experienced something similar to me.


#4 Mjau

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Posted 08 May 2016 - 01:18 PM

Sounds you're having a tough time Sara.

Have you written anything in the introductions forum? I suggest you do that, then the moderators here can give you some advice.

1997-1999 Citalopram 20 mg

1999-2014 Sertraline 50 mg

2012 Sertraline very quick taper due to side effects. Switched to Wellbutrin 150 mg-300 mg. Reinstated Sertraline 25 mg-50 mg.

2013 Exhaustion. Wellbutrin 150 mg. Sertraline 75 mg-100 mg.

Sept 2014 Found this site. Started tapering. Sertraline 87,5 mg + Wellbutrin 150 mg 

Aug 2015 No more Wellbutrin!! Sertraline 50 mg

2016 Sertraline 35 mg (January) - 33 mg (March 21st) - 32,5 mg (July 11) - 32 mg (July 27)

2017 March 28,2 mg and holding

 


#5 LexAnger

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Posted 08 May 2016 - 10:08 PM

Sara, I have the knifing pain for years, it's simply the hellish tourture among all!
What is your meds history?
<p>2009 Mar.: lexapro 10mg for headache for 2 weeks.2009-2012: on and off 1/4 to 1/3 of 10mg2012 June--2013 Jan,: 1/4-1/3 of 10mg generic, bad jaw pain2013 Jan-Mar: 10 mg generic. severe jaw and head pain; Mar--Aug. started tapering (liquid ever since) from 10 to 5 (one step) then gradually down to 2.25 mg, first ever panic attack, severe head/jaw pain2013 Aug.: back to 2.75 mg; Nov: back to Brand Lex. 2.75mg -- 3mg, slight improvement with pain2014 June: stopped PPI, head pressure/numbness. up-dosed 4.5mg, severe reaction mental symptoms added on2014 Aug--2015 Aug: Micro taper down to 3.2mg, .025mg (<1%) cut holding 2-3 weeks.2015 Aug 15th, Accidental one dose of 4.2mg. worsening brain non-functional, swollen head, body, coma like, DR2016 Feb., started fast taper for the drug toxicity caused by the one dose of 4.2mg, dosing 10am through 11 pm everyday2/13--3.2mg, 3/15-- 2.9mg, 4/19-- 2.6mg, 6/26--2.2mg, 7/22 --1.9mg, 8/16--1.8mg,8/31--1.7m g, 9/13--1.6mg, 9/27--1.5mg, 10/8--1.4mg, 10/14--1.3mg, 11/1--1.2mg, 11/29--1.1mg, 12/12--1mg, 12/22--0.9mg2017: 1/7--0.8mg, 1/15--0.7mg, 1/17--0.6mg, 1/20--0.52, 1/21--0.4mg, 1/22--0.26, 1/23--0.2, sliding Down to 0.13mg by 2/13, then 0.07mg since 2/18, 0.06mg 2/20-3/17, 0.13mg 3/18

#6 sarabb

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Posted 10 May 2016 - 01:23 PM

Ive become so addicted that i cant stop. I used to take a little medication and live with that. So now Ive got locked in again and take medication and the redidence demands that i take medication. My family and the Whole system denies completely that the way i feel have any thing to do with the medication. Its frustrating. Im afraid to die and i have no one to talk with it about

When I was 15 years old i had a kundalini rising. It was a wake up call from what I had been my whole life, a person who always did what others told me to do and never loved anyone. I was a very scared child because my mother was always very worried. In december 2010 i got locked in a psychiatric hospital. I was there for almost a half year, they felt they could do nothing to help me. Then I got locked in again i august 2011 and got the strongest antipsuchotic drug there is, Cisordinol, its not allowed in the US. I was a zombie for one year, my psychologist said I had got a prefrontal lobotomy, that I had PTSD and the the only thing worse was war torture. My parents did nothing else than bullying me with the things i couldn´t. For a couple of years, I did nothing. I mourned over my life who I had lost and time flew as it does to those who had lost their sence of time. In december 2014 I was close to death because of the drugs. From around march 2015 things started to turn the right way for me, my near death experience was a wake up call for me, I was filled with love and accept and I met my boyfriend. I was also at a psychiatric hospital again from january 2015 to september 2015. When I got out I thought that now was my life starting to go the right way for me. I stopped with the medication from one day to another and it was the worst mistake I ever made. I was in withdrawal and I started to forget and it just continued to be worse and it still does. Along with that I got locked in again from january 2016 to may 2016. I had no other choise than to take medication otherwise they would let me do nothing. The place where I live now forces me to take medication, otherwise I cant live there and I have nowhere else to live. I had left my first boyfriend despite i still loves him and believes that we one day can be together again but I felt that he didnt understood what I was going through. I have a new friend/ boyfriend who I feel understands my feelings and that it is okay to be sad and frustrated. Whenever my mom is visiting me I just wanna vomit and thats one of my main problems. Please write to me if you find me interesting or you have experienced something similar to me.


#7 NaturalBorn

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Posted 05 October 2016 - 02:24 PM

Ive become so addicted that i cant stop. I used to take a little medication and live with that. So now Ive got locked in again and take medication and the redidence demands that i take medication. My family and the Whole system denies completely that the way i feel have any thing to do with the medication. Its frustrating. Im afraid to die and i have no one to talk with it about

sara wich meds are you on right now? i noticed that you were born in 1995, you are one year older then i am, that just breaks my heart... i know what it is like, and i just wanna let you know that i'm here for you, message me at any time


(i'm brazlian so please, ignore spelling mistakes) 2015 the beggining of the year started with effexor xr 37,5

went up to 300mgs

in october of 2015 quitted COLD TURKEY/took olanzapine 5mgs for 2 weeks around november/ reinstated effexor in january of 2016

in march of 2016 was at 300mg again

in may tappered effexor xr and added trazodone 150mgs, seroquel 50mgs and abilify 10 mgs/in july cold turkey from abilify (no big deal)

in september tried reducing trazadone to 50mg

after 2 weeks went back to 150mgs of trazadone and 50 mgs of seroquel and added 2 mgs of klonopin to use WHEN NEEDEED

currently taking 150mgs of trazadone and 50 mgs of seroquel at night