Skeeter's Journey

[Skeeter]

Hi Skeeter,

I just thought I would say hello again.  It's been a while since I last wrote anything on your thread. In answer to your last post, yes I think there is a lot of hope for you to feel again.  Just take your time, you will know when you the time is right for you to decrease your dose.  Sending you hugs as well.

RS

RS,

You are such a great person with a kind spiritll  Thank yo so much!!!  I do think my body will tell me when it is right,

 

Thank you for popping in!

S

[RachelSusan]

Hi Skeeter,

Thanks for being so supportive.  Everything worked out.  I am back on track.  I really hate tapering.  The reason I hate it so much is because even though it has gotten predictable I'm still frightened.  The symptoms come back, they are unpleasant but more mild that an actual withdrawal, but I keep thinking, is this the start of another big withdrawal?  I never really breath easy until the symptoms subside.

R.

[Skeeter]

RS,

 

Maybe soon, you can relax? Maybe you will realize that you are on the right track now, doing the right thing for your body. There is no reason for the symptoms NOT to go away every time. You know how to make the symptoms go away if they get too strong, and that happens fairly quickly, YOU are in the drivers seat now! Now you know you may have to go slower/take smaller cuts the further you get down, but your body will tell you that gradually, and if it does get hard, again- you can updose a little, and your symptoms will go away. All of the reading I have done, I have not yet read of a person who was doing a successful taper, and could not updose to get the symptoms to stop (if they got bad), okay? Now some people hit a rock wall at a certain dose, where they cannot decrease the med anymore, but if you updose to your last dose (or a bit less) and sit there a little while, you will be okay again. Then, when you are ready. I will help you start a microtaper, so you WILL get through this, okay? We will support each other to make it better for us both. To help with your symptoms and your fear for now, have you thought of tapering a smaller amount each time, so the symptoms are not as severe (at least until you lose this fear of withdrawal symptoms staying)? You hold the power in your hands to make this less scary! I will, of course leave it up to you, but I am here cheering you on all the way!!

(((HUGS)))

S.

[Skeeter]

Okay, a GOOD update!!

 

Well, a little bad, no comments on this part needed... I am at peace, and so is she. My grandmother passed. It was expected, and she died gently, peacefully. Like she always wanted to go. It is not easy, but it is manageable for me.

 

I figured out the solution to my GI distress. These 2 simple words do not adequately explain the torment one goes through when you are so uncomfortable most of the time unless you do not eat at all. Looks like I have figured it out, though.

 

My personality has come back! The low self-esteem is gone, my confidence is back, and my memory is good! OMG, SHE's BACK!!! Run while you can!!! What has been most missed is my sense of humor. My very best friend is enjoying that part. He is laughing with me again. Am I perfect? NO! Was I ever?...lol! Am I truly happy? Not yet,, need to get off or way down on this darned AD before that will happen.

 

I am still me, as I have a painful condition, so I still get stuck with cog fog when the pain gets bad, but I expect that. I do lose my sense of humor at that point, usually, but luckily for everyone, I just get quiet. I never snap out in pain unless it is unbearable, and then I warn before I do, and apologize, after, so it works out.

 

I still feel no pleasure. I expect that to continue because of the Lexapro, slow taper begins sometime in November, assuming I stay stable with my GI situation.

 

Whoop! Whoop! I CAN have a good update. I read the posts above about lack of confidence and self esteem, and I remember writing them, sort of, but the feeling of hopelessness is now gone. I do not remember what it feels like to have no self esteem, and I do not want to. I just cannot relate with that state of mind currently. I can totally empathize with others, I just do not know how it feels now. I will take it!

[Altostrata]

Hi, Skeeter. Very sorry to hear of the loss of your grandmother. But good to hear of the good bits.

 

What was the solution to your gastric distress? Is this connected to your personality coming back?

 

We are our guts, as they say.

[bubble]

Very sorry for your loss. But also so very happy things are improving for you especially in the area of self-esteem and self-confidence.

 

It gives lots of hope since I'm on a very similar combo and struggling with self-confidence big time, among many other things including the gut issues.

 

As Alto, I'd also be curious to know how you explain improvement in that area.

[Skeeter]

Wow,

Did not know you guys read this...lol!

 

Thank you for your kindness regarding Gram.  it is hard, but she was ready to go, and left me with the best memories.  I did not want people to feel like they had to acknowledge that, but thank you for your kindness.  It is appreciated!

 

First, to warn you, when people ask me questions about my experience, I always speak at length, because I do not want to leave anything out that might be important for someone else, so I apologize beforehand for the length of this post!!!

 

I think feeling sick all of the time DID have something to do with my personality, actually. I feared eating, because I was sick afterwards.  My symptoms, to be specific, were severe nausea, the painful and unsettling feeling that there were snakes in my abdomen, a burning sensation in my stomach and my intestines, severe bloat (without gas) after most meals- my gut would be distended to the point of pain (and I looked pregnant x about 4 hour starting about 2-3 hours after each meal, then would go down on its own slowly, some heartburn, and some rare belching.  I am not a person that belches, I literally had to learn how to do it without gastric juices coming up with it- not fun!! I also had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I usually associate with depression, it felt a little different, but was close enough to the feeling that it would trigger my head sometimes into thinking I was depressed.  I do not know if that makes sense or not.  It was not true depression, but my body sure thought it was, so it was quite confusing to me!

 

I know this is very literal, but I want to be clear in order to help anyone else that may be feeling the same things I did.

 

I had to go back and do another elimination diet, but I do not do it like most people tell you to- to each his own, I guess.  I found that a lot of people that had issues like I did with a benzo withdrawal have a multitude of gut issues. I will take this back to when my doc switched me from Xanax to Valium in one day- I had EVERY GI symptom one could have.  No futher explanation necessary.  After a few months I realized that certain foods might be setting me off, so I did the same thing I did now, my sensitivities had changed a little., very little to be exact, they were just not responding to the treatment anymore.

 

My version of an elimination diet to me was a 3 day fast both times.  Then I read on another forum the foods that almost everyone could eat universally, and I started with those.  So I started with fruits and veggies, raw.  After a few days of this I added nuts (mot people seem to be able to handle those, too).  Now one of my meds has sugar in it, or I would have cut out refined sugar, but I was taking this during my 3 day fast, and I did okay with it.  I then added wheat thins the day after nuts.  It was not a great diet but since even a multivitamin upset my gut awfully, I could not even take that! This was still my first try of my version of an elimination diet.  I was so miserable that I had to find anything that did not make me feel sick.  My issues came in when I tried dairy.  HUGE reaction.  I felt really sick.  Then I read that generic Lexapro (escitalopram) is made with lactose, so people whose body does not make enough of the digestive enzyme to break down lactose could end up lactose intolerant.  So I went through 2 brands and 2 forms (chewable and caplets) of lactose enzymes, and poof!  Dairy was not an issue for me.  Added meat, and slowly the rest of the foods I usually ate until I got to Gatorade.  Figured out I was severely sensitive to any artificial sweetener except Xylitol (this is important to me, because of my meds, I have dry mouth, and to save my remaining teeth, I have to chew gum a lot. So, anything marked low calorie is out of my diet.  Then I changed pharmacies, and they changed the brand of escitalopram to the Indian brand Aurobindo, which must have had twice the amount of lactose in it, and I had a small week-long relief in symptoms when I switched to Lexapro, who does NOT use Lactose AT ALL in their pills, but the days I took those other pills did their damage.  After that week of feeling, better, my GI issues returned with a vengeance.  So I had to start from veggies, fruits, wheat thins and nuts again.  Figured out that I was now reacting to Xylitol in my gum, which I was not having a problem with before, and instead of taking 3 "Lactase" pills with each meal, I had to take 3 before I ate, and 3 more, 4 hours later.  Et voila!  My gut was happy once again.

 

Now my grandmother died while I was in this process of figuring out what my triggers were for the second time, so I cannot comment if that had anything to do with my self esteem/confidence issues, I am thinking no, because I had distanced myself somewhat from the dying process (she does not live close, and I was not getting updates), so it was not totally stressing me.  I knew I was not in a place where I could handle it, and she and I had said our goodbyes, so we were good, so I did not have a sense of impending doom or anything.

 

What I did notice was on about day 4 of not having constant GI issues, that my mood naturally started to life.  My cog fog disappeared, and my quirky sense of humor returned. I also learned that Xylitol can also stay in the liver for a while after ingesting, so it makes sense why it took a little while for my mood to life even though I was not having GI issues.  I know I am not a big fan of BB, but they do have really good info on what can be safe to try to eat, even though I followed my own path, it was helpful.  Now one thing I did notice while being here, and many people have aid it, the s/sx of issues with benzo's and AD's are VERY alike.  I think, therefore that following the diet advice meant for the benzo crowd might be helpful for us.  I apologize if you have a nutrition thread here, I read all of this before I came here and did my first "elimination diet".  Most elimination diets talk about removing one type of food (dairy or gluten, for example) from your diet totally, then add it back after a while to see what happens, but I had no patience for that.  I started with foods I knew virtually no one had issues with and built from there.  If you are already very thin, you may not be able to do it this way, but I did not have this issue.  Now note: eggs are not technically part of dairy, as they have no lactose in them (but scramble them, and most people do add dairy).  Since they were in the dairy section, and I was not thinking straight, I assumed that eggs were indeed dairy, but they are 2 separate things, for those of you who might think how I did.  I found it very hard to think when I felt sick all of the time.  This is why I think it was part of my self esteem issues- how can you feel good about yourself and confident when you physically feel like you are going to vomit at any moment, or have such severe heartburn that you are never truly comfortable?  So, for me, yes, I think there was a big connection.  We shall see how things hold now. NOTE: a fast is not essential to this, I just personally needed a few day break from the s/sx I went through after every single meal!

 

I honestly hope this helps someone, anyone!!!  Now artificial sweeteners are in so much, diet sodas, chewing gum, toothpastes, so I you find that is one of your triggers, you have to become a label reader.  I do not eat junk food normally, Subway subs are about as close as I get to that.  No fried foods, no caffeine, no alcohol.  For soda, the rare times I do ingest it, it is IBC root beer, no caffeine, no artificial sweeteners.  I drink maybe one bottle every 2 weeks, and I recap the bottle and drink from it over several days.

 

Please ask any questions you like!!

Best of luck to you all!

Skeeter

[RachelSusan]

Skeeter,

 

So instead of an "elimination diet" you went on an "addition diet."  Actually I think you are a genius.  Reading your post and your thought process throughout your ordeal is illuminating. Thank you for sharing.

 

Also thank you for your answer to my last post. So it goes back to the FDR's first Inaugural Address, "Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Feat Itself." I like that. Your words helped calm the turbulent thoughts in my head.  I am a tough nut though when it comes to my anxieties.  The withdrawal symptoms were so awful for me that fear is still a huge factor, however I will keep reminding myself myself that I can indeed up-dose, if needed.

 

I'm so glad to hear that your self esteem is coming back.  I also really like a quirky sense of humor. Welcome back to life Skeeter.

 

RS

[Skeeter]

RS,

Thank you for giving my way of eating a name!!  It needed one.  You are the best!

S.

[Skeeter]

Been out of commission for several days due to my chronic condition.  I m NOT flaking out on anyone because I am feeling better withdrawal-wise for the moment, not at all. I have no intention if disappearing.  My taper has not started yet!  I made an offer to a member to do some research on a med we do not cover here, which they (promptly) took me up on, and then the member had to wait like 5 days for my reply.  I feel just awful for that.  The pain gets so bad the meds just do not even touch it enough for me to think clearly (and no, my thinking is not impaired by my meds, as I do not take that much, that would be dangerous.). The flare can come because I did too much, because of sudden weather changes (barometer, usually), or during seasonal changes (winter is hell, and the changes before winter are only a small taste of it), or can flare for no reason at all.  It is maddening. I do not dare try to read or write in this pain, as they do not make sense, and each short message takes an hour, anything longer can take several hours just to able to TRY to judge how my own comments come across to others.  I am afraid I will get in some hot water one of these times for making a comment, not because I did anything bad, but I am just not able to see what I can usually easily see. I must stop typing now.  Supposed to attend a wedding today, but doubt it will happen, honestly. Grrr. Right arm is reddish purple today, so I can tell that my sympathetic nervous system is quite dysfunctional today.  Goosebumps coming on without reason on both arms, tightening the already burning/searing sensation on my skin. Not a welcome addition.

 

I hope you all will excuse my absence.  I will be working on research whenever I can for this member.

[RachelSusan]

Skeeter,

 

I checking in to see how you are feeling. You write so beautifully that I was surprised to read that you take a long time considering how you comments might come across to another person.  Maybe that is why you writing is so wonderful, the time that you put into it. All we see is the finished product and you make it look so easy.  Not to worry about your absence, it just makes us appreciate you more when you show up.

 

I am still tapering.  I find as I get to the lower doses it gets more difficult. I finally updated my signature with tapering.  Yes, I am going too fast and I see that.  I am slowing down now considerably.  My body has ordered me to do so with this last decrease in dosage.

 

Rachel

[Skeeter]

RS,

 

You are adorable, and I absolutely love hearing from you. You always manage to push me up and make me feel better about myself. I can only hope to help you half as much as you help me. You are a positive force that I could not hope to match!! I appreciate your messages so much. Thank you for being there! I will be posting on your page too, as I think you need some "sister" time...ahem!!! I hope you are quaking in fear...lol!

 

I am/was really good at face to face interactions. While working on the ambulance, especially, I was the type to get letters to management regarding my performance- thanking me for making one of the worst times in the patient's/family member's lives more bearable during those times. However, I was also one of the few people that would check in on the patients I brought in to the ER/ED after they were moved up to the floor (after surgery, generally), or check on them when I happened to be in a different hospital (for those who were transferred to for a higher level of care), because I really did care so much. I would stop in when transferring another patient to that other hospital, it only took me a few minutes to check on them, but apparently it meant the world to the family and the patients (and, honestly, to me). I have been out of direct patient care for about 5 years. It has been very hard to not be a contributing member of society. Here, on this forum, I do not help many people, but I do like doing research and hope that the work that I do for these people is helpful, even a little, to each person, I really do. I am so very thankful to everyone here who stepped in to say kind words when I was suffering (and even now when I am in better shape). There have been several people, like you, who have continued to step in to check in on me, and it means the world to me!

 

I am trying to get better at written replies. Maybe over tine I will be happy with the first draft, and stop playing with it until it is as perfect as I can make it...

 

Maybe I will amuse you all with a few EMS/ER stories. I have worked in multiple cities and multiple states, and with the way I tell stories (I change details- age, sex, and certain circumstances depending on the story), there is NO chance that anyone would be able to identify the patients. None of the stories ever made the news, just amusing anecdotes.

 

Thanks for checking in!!!

S

[Skeeter]

SIGNATURE: Med history

10/2016, after 7 yrs on bupropion and 4 yrs on Pristiq, doc tapered me off of AD's over 6-8 weeks total for both meds Bedridden until 3/16. Doc had agreed to place me on different AD after taper, but refused when time came about December.

 

12/2015-3/2016 3mg Xanax (sudden onset anxiety due to d/c of Wellbutrin/Pristiq, and PRN at bedtime Trazodone) Severely ill- increasing depression, fatigue, insomnia, dark thoughts, felt as if I was going crazy sometimes due to physical and mental sx including confusion, SI.

 

3/2016 Started escitalopram by Camber- made me sick w/ lactose intolerance (has coating that caused). Decreased Xanax to 2mg/day (-1mg/day) OUCH!

 

4/6/2016 Per doctor, did a CT/no-taper switch to 20mg Valium (from 2mg/day Xanax). Worst thing I have ever physically/mentally gone through, 2nd to fast taper off of AD's. Doc's not willing to work with me on switching gradually. Worst decision I have ever made. almost totally bedridden for 4 months.

 

4/20-5/4/2016 Due to severe cog fog d/t above event, took 13-20mg/day of Valium.

 

5/5/2016 Settled on 15mg Valium. Suffered the results of these 2 major events until late July/August

 

8/2016 on hold. This hold allowed me to go from over 50 signs and symptoms down to 1 (minor GI upset)... UNTIL 8/26 I changed to another pharmacy who carried another brand of escitalopram- threw me for an awful loop with cog issues, emotions on edge, constant nausea/constant GI upset!! Severity: 8/10

 

9/2016 Still so sick. 100% lactose intolerant d//t coating on AD! 9/12 saw NP, got switched to brand name Lexapro on 9/13. Doc's office (NP) on board with lowering dose of AD at my pace when I am ready. 9/20 no longer ill with GI s/sx!! (or so I thought) 9/27: Minor GI upset back, however, is tolerable 2-4/10. 9/30 GI Upset getting worse 5-7/10

 

10/2016- 10/2 GI Upset back to 7-8/10. 10/3 Back to figuring out food sensitivities. 10/5 loss of my beloved grandmother 10/10 GI upset solved!!- (or so I thought) actually this turned out to have been short lived.  I was not GI issue free until around beginning of November. (with avoiding most dairy, and all artificial sweeteners). Hopefully, no more issues, yeah right!

 

11/2016  11/21 WAS ASKED TO BE A MOD HERE ON SA!!!!! Sadly with the cold weather coming on, as usual it increased my pain. 11/22 am feeling about as stable as I could expect to be finally from all of the med changes the last 13 months. 

 

12/2016  About 1/2 way through the month, the online pharmacy screwed up, decided not to send me my Lexapro, I went 4 days without pills, did not hit me until about 5 days later.  Started sleeping 18 hours a day memory awful, this lasted into January. Make many typing mistakes and and cannot be counted on for my mod duties at any certain time, as I am not sure I will be awake or can stay awake, plus still heavily grieving.

 

1/2017  Still pretty useless, as I am sleeping a very fragmented 18 hours a day.  Any thought of a taper has been put off.

 

2/2017 Sleep slowly returned to normal.

 

3/2017 GI issues calm, as long as I do not miss several days with no dairy, if I do, that Lactase will take away most issues,  Artificial sweeteners in small amounts seem fine, but after learning how bad they are for you, I limit intake severely!!  I have some procedures coming up, some minor, a couple major, so any thought of a taper is on hold, as I do not want taper to mess with general and local anesthesia. !

[Skeeter]

I am very honored and humbled to have been asked to be a member of the moderator team here on SA.  This news is still very new, and I am excited to provide whatever support I can give.  When I first came here, I was feel very unwell, and VERY scared, and did need a bit of hand holding at first.  Without the amazing support I got here I do not know how I could have made it through that time.  Even then I spoke about looking for a chance to pay it forward.  I never expected to get an amazing chance like this, I must say, but I look forward to help in any way I possibly can.

 

Thank you to everyone for the support you have given to me, and this includes the members of this site and the staff of SA.

 

My own tapers will begin soon.  I am not assigning a date right now.  I am working through a personal loss right now, so the holidays are looking a bit bleak.

[AliG]

Skeeter. A lot of us came here in a bad way but then found the information we needed to get well. I'm pleased that you are on your way and look forward to working with you. Again - welcome.

 

I'm sorry for your loss and understand how the holidays can look a bit bleak at times. I hope it goes well. Hopefully it will be better than we both think.

Good luck with your taper.

Ali

[Skeeter]

Skeeter. A lot of us came here in a bad way but then found the information we needed to get well. I'm pleased that you are on your way and look forward to working with you. Again - welcome.

 

I'm sorry for your loss and understand how the holidays can look a bit bleak at times. I hope it goes well. Hopefully it will be better than we both think.

Good luck with your taper.

Ali

Ali,

 Thank you so much.  It never occurred to me until today that the loss would be worsened by the time of year.  I am not looking forward to it, though I will puill myself up and remember the great memories she gave me as a gift. That should help.  You are always so kind.  I really appreciate that!

Skeeter

[RachelSusan]

Hi Skeeter,

This is indeed a very tough time a year for those that have lost a loved on.   Thanks for all your support.  Please let me know if there is ever anyway I can return the support you have provided me with.

RS

[Skeeter]

Okay, (BIG breath). The time has come to start my Lexapro taper. I am on 20mg. I know from reading others stories, that if going at a decent pace, that the warning side effect you are going too fast is fatigue/tiredness. I am not sure how much to cut nor for how long.

 

You need not babysit me, I will read the Lexapro thread again, and figure it out. I am just very nervous, as this is my first real taper (one I have control over, not someone else (a doc) telling me to cut quickly- then ignoring me in my suffering). Taking my own responsibility is attractive, yet making me nervous.

 

I guess 1mg would be an easy start, as it is 5%. Then again, I may be fine with 2%, as the higher cuts are a bit better tolerated with higher doses...hmmm. I wonder with Lexapro if that is tolerated well. Off I go to read!

[RachelSusan]

Skeeter,

 

Congrats on the beginning of your taper journey.  I don't know if this will be an easier or harder journey. My fingers are crossed for easier.  Keep us posted.

 

As I promised you, no cuts on my side without fair warning.

[Skeeter]

RS,

 

Good girl!!  I am just happy you are stable again.  How long are you holding now?  I think you said, but I want something to hold you to...LOL!!

 

The mods did a beautiful job helping to get you stable, if memory serves.  I remember you struggling.  They know more than I do with AD's, so I watch them do their thing mostly for that part.  I am so thankful of their experience here.  I am more like a "junior mod"!

 

Thanks for the always kind words.  I will make it to your thread. 

 

I am getting re-situated now, (returning after a self-imposed time out) getting ready to start putting in my opinions again.  With the amazing talent here, I am the bull in the china shop compared to the other mods...lol.  They are really a kind group of people.  I am lucky to be a part of this team.  Can you believe that everyone here are volunteers?  AMAZING!

Skeeter

[brassmonkey]

Hi Skeeter--  That first step is a scary one, I still remember it.  Don't go into it with rough expectations, they have a bad habit of coming true. But rather go into it open minded and accepting of what comes along.  Your mind and body are going to do what they're going to do and each drop will be a little different.  Over time some patterns may show up to help guide things but rolling with each new situation as it comes up is the best way to go.

 

Wishing you a smooth journey.

 

((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

 

Brass

[Skeeter]

Hi Skeeter--  That first step is a scary one, I still remember it.  Don't go into it with rough expectations, they have a bad habit of coming true. But rather go into it open minded and accepting of what comes along.  Your mind and body are going to do what they're going to do and each drop will be a little different.  Over time some patterns may show up to help guide things but rolling with each new situation as it comes up is the best way to go.

 

Wishing you a smooth journey.

 

((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

 

Brass

 

Brass,

Thank you so much for your kind words.  If you go at a good pace, despite the strength of Lexapro, it is actually supposed to go pretty well.  I think I am more nervous about the actual process (despite it being very easy), that is overwhelming.  I have had others say that too.

 

I am very proud of you forgoing at your own best pace off of Paxil, plus stopping all intake of alcohol.  You, sir, are AMAZING!!

 

((((((((((((Back at ya!))))))))))))))

S.

[Junglechicken]

Skeets,

 

I'm starting my Lexapro taper in the new year (yikes), and am scared out of my wits about it.

 

Will be following the pill/liquid combo so that I wean completely off the solid form of Lexapro and shift completely over to the liquid form.

 

Scally has a really good taper regime for this.

 

Hang in there!

 

JC x

[Skeeter]

JC,

Thank yo so much for you encouraging message.  I see you have held for over a year, but I know why for sure!  I am sorry you suffered for so long.  Your taper in 2015 was a very hard one on your brain (even if you felt okay during)..  Did you feel any issues before you totally stopped?  I am not totally quitting, my goal is 10mg, then 5mg.  I have another health concern that this med helps with, so low dose is my goal for now.  When you were taking a dose every 3 days, did you feel fine?  Did you feel tired or exhausted as you tapered?  I hear that is a warning sigh for many people if they are going too fast.  Wow, you jumped at 5mg?  Yikes!  I feel for you.  I cannot imagine accomplishing everything you did feeling as awful as you were!  How are your windows and waves now?

 

Scallywag is WONDERFUL at helping people.  She is a true gift on this site, as are the other mods!

 

There is no reason I should feel so nervous at starting this taper, but I do.  Maybe I should change my name to Fraidy-cat!   LOL!

 

(((HUGS)))

S.

[bubble]

I'm also resuming my Lexapro taper so it seems we will share this journey. I was only able to make 2 % cut and the second cut brought about unprecedented fatigue. I couldn't get out of bed at all for 2 days and then for a few days barely...

 

I have some unfinished business with xanax and then my sole focus will be on this beast.

 

Wishing us all lots of luck!

[Junglechicken]

Skeets,

 

Yes, I felt absolutely exhausted during the latter part of the taper, with the added joy of my entire body aching (muscles and joints).

 

At the time I was marathon training, and could barely put one foot in front of the other due to exhaustion and pain.  Couldn't figure out what the heck was going on.  My weight had increased rapidly by 28Ibs so I thought that was the cause, until I got hit with migraines, dizziness and nausea (after having jumped off Lexapro at 5mg). 

 

Then the penny dropped, it was the taper.  In retrospect, the taper itself was a gong show as I thought that once I was off the Lexapro it would be possible to run/train again, lol.  NO! Felt as sick as a dog.  Now I know (having been an SA member for all these months) that the cause was the dose drops were massive and the gaps in between each dose widened, which seriously messed with my CNS/brain. 

 

I have noticed that the last 2 big waves were triggered by unavoidable stress, and I seem to remained pretty stable during the windows with nothing too bad going on.  Also, I have resumed weekly therapy (paid for by my MIL) and put my name on the waiting list for CBT (paid for by the NHS).

 

JC x

[Skeeter]

I'm also resuming my Lexapro taper so it seems we will share this journey. I was only able to make 2 % cut and the second cut brought about unprecedented fatigue. I couldn't get out of bed at all for 2 days and then for a few days barely...

 

I have some unfinished business with xanax and then my sole focus will be on this beast.

 

Wishing us all lots of luck!

Bubble,

My head and heart are with you regarding your "unfinished business" with Xanax.

How are you going to taper? You are not going to rush it so you can be ready to start you Have you ustd how to proceed (taper, wait until symptoms fade, or are you more regimented with a calendar?) I know we are all different as to what works!? I am so glad that you are able to do it your way!! You are nearing the finish line, for sure. You know not to rush it. I will be cheering you on, for sure!! What did the 9 month hold do for you, anything good? My interdose WD was very severe, but I did not know how to split the doses so well like they teach here.

 

Best wishes on the X. Taper! We shall do Lex together (except mine will be much longer, as you are at a much lower dose).

Skeeter

[Skeeter]

Skeets,

 

Yes, I felt absolutely exhausted during the latter part of the taper, with the added joy of my entire body aching (muscles and joints).

 

At the time I was marathon training, and could barely put one foot in front of the other due to exhaustion and pain.  Couldn't figure out what the heck was going on.  My weight had increased rapidly by 28Ibs so I thought that was the cause, until I got hit with migraines, dizziness and nausea (after having jumped off Lexapro at 5mg). 

 

Then the penny dropped, it was the taper.  In retrospect, the taper itself was a gong show as I thought that once I was off the Lexapro it would be possible to run/train again, lol.  NO! Felt as sick as a dog.  Now I know (having been an SA member for all these months) that the cause was the dose drops were massive and the gaps in between each dose widened, which seriously messed with my CNS/brain. 

 

I have noticed that the last 2 big waves were triggered by unavoidable stress, and I seem to remained pretty stable during the windows with nothing too bad going on.  Also, I have resumed weekly therapy (paid for by my MIL) and put my name on the waiting list for CBT (paid for by the NHS).

 

JC x

JC,

Have you been able to do any physical activity yet? I am not sure what your weather is like now, so I do not know how feasible bike riding is, but there are indoor things. I do not expect you are back to marathon training, but are you, perhaps, doing Yoga or some cardio? I am glad to hear that you were not affected much on the higher doses of this med (then again, I am on twice the amount you were on. When I went from 10 to 20 mg, I paused briefly, pill in hand thought about staying there, but I was so afraid of how I had felt in WD for so many months, and swallowed it anyway Maybe I can do 10% a every 3 weeks/month with no issue, as I have heard so many people say that at higher doses if is not an issue. I am NOT coming off of this med, so I will have plenty of time for my body to get used to it. The achy feeling you had worries me, but you did come down quickly for what we suggest. I a glad that your waves were brought on by stressful events vs unexpectedly. it is sweet for your MIL to cover therapy! How kind!

 

Keep it up!! You are making progress- even in the time I have been here, you have changed quite a bit!

S.

[Junglechicken]

Skeets,

 

Thanks for the encouragement too....when we are "in it"' (WD), and I mean during a wave, the possibility that we might still be healing no longer seems plausible.

 

I walk for 2nrs daily, but have not resumed cardio; except for a brief period during the summer when I thought I would run a 5k at the end of the training period. That didn't work out because when we were in Portugal this summer I managed to injure my neck, and my hubby injured his lower back....so that was that. Maybe when he goes away for a week at the end of Jan, I will resume the running.

 

The body aches were around for several weeks during early WD. Any exercise I did prompted instant aches and a flu-like feeling. I remember rowing 10k daily on the rowing machine (because I couldn't run without suffering the consequences). I would get off it and feel tired and flu-like for the rest of the evening and sometimes into the next day. I spent a lot of that time at the osteopath, popping painkillers, and with a hot water bottle under my lower back.

 

Then presumably that "phase" of WD moved on, and I haven't seen it return in over a year now.

 

My current main WD issues are: IBS, eczema/acne, immune system issues, peri-meno stuff, body pains/tension.

 

Yes, 20mg Lexapro is a huge dose Skeets. As far as a plan goes, I have allowed 2yrs to taper off the 2.5mg I am currently on, which will mean a few months hold after each 10% drop.

 

As for my MIL offering to pay for the therapy....well that was completely out of character for her. She is not the giving type at all. Don't know Skeets, I am just grateful for the help and happy to accept it.

 

JC xx

[Skeeter]

JC,

Good one Chix (our abbr for chicken...lol)! Walking 2 hours daily!! YEAH BABY!

 

When I would do too much during Xanax interdose WD, I would feel the same way you describe. it had to be very careful to keep increasing my time, but nor increase the intensity too little, as it would not take the symptoms away, too much, and BOOM for 24 hours. I was like a freaky Goldilock's! LOL. I am proud of you for working out during this whole time, though!! I habe bot been able to talk another person suffering from Xanax ID WD to try movement (for the ones that are able to). Xanax is the ONLY Benzo this works with to my knowledge, Does not work for Valium, nor Ativan.

 

I am thinking I can do 105 of last dose every 3-4 weeks. If I feel fatigue at all, I will slow it right away. The lowest I will ever get before a long hold is 5mg. Seems like a good plan. I noticed that no one seems to go into full withdrawal/protracted WD from Lex (or most AD's

 

IBS is awful. I am sure you adjusted your diet to no avail. You are not the type to suffer without trying changing foods, seeing a doc, etc. The eczema/acne can make sense with immune system issues. The fact that you are exercising is amazing to me with this additional info!

 

It IS a nice gift from your MIL, esp knowing that. Sometimes people can surprise you!

 

Let me know how the running goes, take it easy!!

S.

[bubble]

I noticed that no one seems to go into full withdrawal/protracted WD from Lex (or most AD's

L

S.

9 month hold did wonders for me. It gave me my brain back, enabled me to work and keep my life, even enjoy it at times.

 

A benzo AD combo makes our situation particularly tricky. Alto wrote about that in I think Taking more drugs? Which to taper first...

 

I'm curious about your statement I quoted. I noticed quite the opposite: painful protracted Lex and in general AD WD. The forum is full of them But also amazing recoveries such as Petunia's...

[JanCarol]

Hey Skeeter - 

 

just checking in as I've read the pieces of your story that you've posted here.

 

I think the link Bubble was looking for was this one:

Polydrugs? Taper off the Antidepressant First!

 

I'm sorry to hear you suffer so much pain.

 

I worry for you, too, as pain pills and benzos are going to be more and more regulated.  I'm already hearing horror stories of people - with your condition - being ripped off the opiates in favor of all that "pain clinic" crap that only agitates pain. 

 

I reckon, upon reading in Mad In American (MIA) and other places on the web that benzos will be next.  Already you've run into this with your GP only willing to prescribe for 12 weeks.  It's not his fault, he's got regulators breathing down his neck.  It's even worse here in Oz, as Doctors are overseen by the PBS (Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme) and the TGA  (Therapeutic Drugs Administration).  The TGA next year is going to insist that all OTC (Over-the Counter - sorry - there's a lot of acronyms here!) codeine will only be available by prescription only after Feb 2018.  

 

Ironically, they claim the junkies are the reason they are doing this, but in their press release they cited kidney & GI damage (NSAIDS) and liver damage (paracetamol/acetaminophen) as the reasons why.  The only codeine side effect listed was depressed respiratory function, and that only happens at high doses. 

 

Additionally, none of the synthetics that the USA has - except for oxycodone - is available here.  And now it has become fashionable to bundle oxycodone with naltrexone so that it becomes ineffective.  Sure, it stops the junkies from using it - but the problem here is a fraction of the problem in the USA.  

 

Whups, I got on a soap box on your thread.  I guess I'm sensitive to the world of pain drugs, and wish they would stop treating pain as a "psychiatric condition."

 

I hope you are feeling better soon, and look forward to hearing your taper plans for the new year.

 

I hope you see the sun today - or at least the sky! 

[Skeeter]

 

I noticed that no one seems to go into full withdrawal/protracted WD from Lex (or most AD's

L

S.

9 month hold did wonders for me. It gave me my brain back, enabled me to work and keep my life, even enjoy it at times.

 

A benzo AD combo makes our situation particularly tricky. Alto wrote about that in I think Taking more drugs? Which to taper first...

 

I'm curious about your statement I quoted. I noticed quite the opposite: painful protracted Lex and in general AD WD. The forum is full of them But also amazing recoveries such as Petunia's...

 

I must have written this during my "brain feels like a stone" period. What I MEANT to say, from what I can remember is that when people do a SA taper of (10% or less/mo) taper on Lex, and some other AD's, it seems like the protracted or severe WD symptoms do not start as long as you are still on some dose of the drug, or am I just not seeing the stories. I know Lex can be a beast if you come off of it even slightly too quickly, it can be just nasty if coming all the way off! I have not notice, however, anyone that goes down on the meds and stays at, say 5mg for an extended time go into WD. And I note this for emphasis, assuming that yo do a proper taper all the way down, and listen to your body for symptoms (like feeling very worn out).

 

What do you guys think. Does this seem to hold true that if you stay on some level of the drug (5mg is my aim, but can be changed, as 10mg is first aim, then hold, then down to 5, that you tend to do okay, or am I totally wrong on this idea?

Thanks,

S.

[bubble]

Now I get it!

 

Absolutely yes, that's what we all believe in (hope for) and why we taper so carefully: we are regrowing a new brain. Small cuts don't shock it too much and cause a tear in structures that take a long time to heal and are painful. Times during which we hold give our brain a chance to grow and rewire. So once the taper is done we have a new brain adapted to functioning without drugs (or on a lower dose) and there should be now protracted WD (or it should be much less harsh).

 

But that goes for all ADs, not only Lexapro. I believe it is true for benzos. I feel the fear of mythical tolerance withdrawal causes people to cut benzos too fast which causes severe and prolonged suffering. I might be wrong but this is what I think at the moment

[Lakelander82]

Now I get it!

Absolutely yes, that's what we all believe in (hope for) and why we taper so carefully: we are regrowing a new brain. Small cuts don't shock it too much and cause a tear in structures that take a long time to heal and are painful. Times during which we hold give our brain a chance to grow and rewire. So once the taper is done we have a new brain adapted to functioning without drugs (or on a lower dose) and there should be now protracted WD (or it should be much less harsh).

But that goes for all ADs, not only Lexapro. I believe it is true for benzos. I feel the fear of mythical tolerance withdrawal causes people to cut benzos too fast which causes severe and prolonged suffering. I might be wrong but this is what I think at the moment

 

Hope being the operative word in that comment, similar to the concept of hoping there's an after life without any real concrete evidence. I have followed the tapering advice on here religiously, even proceeding more cautiously this last 4 months at a 5% taper rate and yet I have still arrived at point where my brain is simply a non functional, depressed mess. I'm not even at 50% of my original dose and I'm still waiting for signs of this new brain growth/rewiring concept that's espoused on here so much.

[Skeeter]

My rewrite of the above question came with half of a brain, TWICE now. I was actually wondering if I ended up with tiredness as my only symptom, if I would be able to go a bit faster in my taper, since I am not stopping at zero, I am stopping a 5mg (or can hold at 10mg if tiredness is an issue), since I will be holding (vs coming off), and I have not seen anyone go into protracted symptoms from Lexapro while thy are still on the med. My worry was this was that insurance was going to cut me off permanently, ad that I needed to cut to 10mg FAST so I could afford the $200/mo 1/2 of a 20mg/day pill (15/mo) would cost (1/2 the cost). Hopefully not needed now!

I feel I am sticking my foot in my mouth with my half brain far too often, think I just need to not post any ideas or opinions for a little while. I am good with people that need advice, but I just cannot handle any input suddenly, it is as if I have lost my brain! Neuro-emotions, anyone???....

I guess it is movement forward into neuro-emotions from numbness, I am only a couple of weeks out of missing 4 days worth of Lexapro, but it feels like it has been months as my perception  of time is painfully slow again. Every hour feels like 2, so my days crawl by. Luckily I am sleeping 12 hours instead of 16, but I am a child again, crying at everything. Hurt by words from others (which were not meant as hurtful), which is SO not like me. Every statement that I slightly perceive as negative or wrong from my peers/friends feels like a slap in the face. This is no way to live. This is how my life was when my PMDD was untreated. I went through a least 12 days like this every month, and they were brutal days. I do not have issues with the using AD's for this as it was the only thing that worked and made my life tolerable. I was on a low dose then. Sheesh this is miserable!!! Despite all of this I a not depressed, just very aware of my issue, knowing that I am exposed, so I have to be so careful, and not speak about any personal ideas, as my judgement is apparently affected, though my intellect is a bit better than it was.  How can the logic part of my brain be more intact, but the emotions be so screwed- limbic system, I assume is impaired? How frustrating.  GRRR!

 

Feeling so odd,  Hopefully this will pass SOON!

S