DizzyGirl

DizzyGirl More than 4 years off

65 posts in this topic

Hi, Dizzy thank you very much for telling your story. You said "I had my first real windows that went longer than some hours after 1.5 - 2 years." but at this time how  was your waves?? , Im asking you this because I am 16 month off and in a very bad wave that feels like acute....wanna know if that is normal. Thanks ....saludos from Argentina

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

Ladybug 99, the weight never fell off. I had to work my ass off to lose it. Some ppl lose weight during their taper but not me. I cold turkeyed and even gained at first. My metabolism was very damaged at that time. I always used to be skinny I blew up on Paxil like a whale and got addicted to eating carbs.As my metabolism was so ****** I had to work out six days a week and to reduce my calories substantially. It was a hard time. Most of my weight was stored in my belly. I looked pregnant most of the time.

What a glorious recovery. I say glorious cause I literally imagined Angels singing as clouds part, letting sunlight in. Congrats on the end of your journey.

 

I wanted to ask when did you start working out? I am 3 years out by January and after my short stint with benzo withdrawal I cannot for the life of me do any cardio. When I do any running, I get hit with waves and my stomach distends even further. I think the heightened cortisol from cardio creates water retention or visceral fat around belly. I am only able to do weights at the moment as it prevents my heart/adrenals from overworking but I am now building muscle under my fat. I would love to be able to burn that layer of fat. Did you push through your workouts and just bear with the waves that come with it?? Maybe I can attempt cardio after my 3 year mark.

If you can't do cardio, do not do it. I started around when I was 14 months off Paxil, BUT I didnt feel like I was "ready" ready at that time at all. The first workouts were done (free workouts on youtube, search for fitness blender) and instead of resting for 1 or 2 days I had to rest for 5-7 days. It got easier the more I worked out.

 

I read Claire Weekes book at that time and she always says "just do it, what can happen anyway?" I had the wildest things in my head. I was sure I would faint during workout or even die. But it didn't happen. It was hard for me to workout, because at that time I had this nasty 24/7 dizziness and I couldnt hold my balance, but I still pushed through.

 

I think your comment regarding rising cortisol and water retention is pretty accurate. I, too, had this feeling that I retented more water than usual. If you are a cardio beginner, everyone will retent water, that is indeed quite normal. But I thought something was really "off" with my body. The way you describe it might be absolutely right.

 

Maybe just continue with your weights and eat healthy. You can do toning cardio when you feel you can manage. Or try one of those fitness blenders workouts and just do the shortest one? 15 Minutes ?

 

Take care

Thanks for clarifying. It's good to know i'm not going nuts when I see my belly growing after exercising. I think I will stick to weights till my body says otherwise.

 

I also wanted to ask, did u experience monophobia or agoraphobia? If so, how long till it vanished?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

 

Ladybug 99, the weight never fell off. I had to work my ass off to lose it. Some ppl lose weight during their taper but not me. I cold turkeyed and even gained at first. My metabolism was very damaged at that time. I always used to be skinny I blew up on Paxil like a whale and got addicted to eating carbs.As my metabolism was so ****** I had to work out six days a week and to reduce my calories substantially. It was a hard time. Most of my weight was stored in my belly. I looked pregnant most of the time.

What a glorious recovery. I say glorious cause I literally imagined Angels singing as clouds part, letting sunlight in. Congrats on the end of your journey.

 

I wanted to ask when did you start working out? I am 3 years out by January and after my short stint with benzo withdrawal I cannot for the life of me do any cardio. When I do any running, I get hit with waves and my stomach distends even further. I think the heightened cortisol from cardio creates water retention or visceral fat around belly. I am only able to do weights at the moment as it prevents my heart/adrenals from overworking but I am now building muscle under my fat. I would love to be able to burn that layer of fat. Did you push through your workouts and just bear with the waves that come with it?? Maybe I can attempt cardio after my 3 year mark.

If you can't do cardio, do not do it. I started around when I was 14 months off Paxil, BUT I didnt feel like I was "ready" ready at that time at all. The first workouts were done (free workouts on youtube, search for fitness blender) and instead of resting for 1 or 2 days I had to rest for 5-7 days. It got easier the more I worked out.

 

I read Claire Weekes book at that time and she always says "just do it, what can happen anyway?" I had the wildest things in my head. I was sure I would faint during workout or even die. But it didn't happen. It was hard for me to workout, because at that time I had this nasty 24/7 dizziness and I couldnt hold my balance, but I still pushed through.

 

I think your comment regarding rising cortisol and water retention is pretty accurate. I, too, had this feeling that I retented more water than usual. If you are a cardio beginner, everyone will retent water, that is indeed quite normal. But I thought something was really "off" with my body. The way you describe it might be absolutely right.

 

Maybe just continue with your weights and eat healthy. You can do toning cardio when you feel you can manage. Or try one of those fitness blenders workouts and just do the shortest one? 15 Minutes ?

 

Take care

Thanks for clarifying. It's good to know i'm not going nuts when I see my belly growing after exercising. I think I will stick to weights till my body says otherwise.

 

I also wanted to ask, did u experience monophobia or agoraphobia? If so, how long till it vanished?

 

 

 

Monophobia definitely NO.

 

Regarding agoraphobia: I have been suffering from it for years- even before I took Paxil, so in this case I cannot blame it on Paxil. It did get worse in withdrawal, but like I said it started very early when I was a teenager and this is certainly one thing I cannot blame on SSRIs. I am an offical member of the "stay at home club" if I am not working :)

 

If you suffer from agoraphobia, I would advise you to read Claire Weekes book "Hope and help for your nerves".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for sharing your story DizzyGirl, and congrats on a new life!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just wanted to add my voice of gratitude Dizzy Girl. Thank you for sharing your success story.....a true inspiration.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

THANK YOU for coming back and sharing your HOPE. You are a beacon for all of us. You are everything to a few of us. Your words keep some of us from throwing ourselves off a high-rise balcony. And that's the truth.

 

Thank you, specifically, for listing out the things that work for you in your withdrawal, the vitamins to avoid, etc. I, too, have super-strong reactions to B vitamins, except for B6. I can only have a little fish oil.

 

How did you deal with lingering, reemerging depression? Do you feel depressed now?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I need to adress some things. Many people write to me via instagram and it is awesome to share experiences. I even found some ppl to whom I write daily. They became friends and I am so thankful for that. Please don't be afraid to contact me via pm on instagram I love to share experiences. My English is not perfect but I try ????

 

But there are some people that don't get it and I need to adress it here. They say " oh you were so lucky to be strong to work out and to cook. I could never do it I am suffering more than you."

 

In withdrawal we think we suffer the most. I thought like that too. But it was not an easy walk in the park for me. I was suicidal and suffered for years. The first months when I worked out and went to work full time I thought I will faint in the office and die. I didn't have it easier than others I just wanted to take my life in my own hands and do something for me to speed up recovery.

 

Weight loss, healthy eating and working out were very important for my recovery, but of course I didn't enjoy working out at that time. It didn't look like a colourful, styled and positive nike commercial wit a sexy blonde running up a hill. I had anxiety, brain fog and zaps and I thought I would die. I was overweight for the first time in my life and my paxil belly was huge. 

 

To write me and tell me you are definitely suffering more and you could never do a slow walk outside for 5 minutes is wrong, because I believed it too at that time, but when I actually went outside I survived. And you will survive too.

 

Don't think you are suffering more than others, because we are / we were all in withdrawal hell. If you can't do cardio or hiit training, go for a short walk. If you can't go for a walk, stay indoors and try to cook 1 healthy meal every day. Not 3 meals just 1 healthy meal. If you can't cook, don't spend too much time online in withdrawal groups like me and try to get some decent sleep. This whole thinking "I am the worst case, I suffer more & I will never recover" won't get you anywhere.

 

And to downplay my experience with withdrawal is unfair tbh.

 

To all other survivors: I hope the new year will be a year filled with windows and not waves. Be strong and believe in yourself ❤❤❤

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dizzy girl, I don't write to you but I can identify with what you are saying. The reason you are a success is because you pushed through the hell of withdrawal despite tremendous suffering. Attitude is everything in this process. I often say to people who want to go off their ads that it will be like getting of heroin, some will succeed and some won't. I don't mean to downplay withdrawal by my statement but I want to draw attention to attitude being instrumental in a successful outcome no matter what the challenge. And thank you for communicating with other members and giving back to this community. Wishing you continued healing, peace and happiness and here's to a great 2017. Xxx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Alua, you worded that perfectly. I agree 100% ???? it is funny that you compare it to heroin withdrawal, because I also used that comparasion when I explained it to my friends.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Many factors can contribute to making WD especially tough. I think more than how limited a person is physically or mentally is less of a factor as is the support one receives. If someone has to go through this alone even if they are not as affected as another that can prove much more difficult. Thanks for coming back and continued success ln 2017!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't know if I agree. During withdrawal my boyfriend broke up with me, the company I worked for went bankrupt and I had no real support from family and friends. The only support I could get was from paxilprogress and we all know that site got shut down. I was basically alone but still I wouldn't say my suffering was worse than others or the worst. We all have these questions in our mind how long will wd last, will this be my last wave? Yada Yada... and nobody from outside can answer this question for us because it is different for everybody and if you have no experience with protracted withdrawal you might even say something wrong like "your depression has returned, please go back on the meds."

 

It is just my opinion so don't get angry. But I learned in wd to trust and believe in myself and not so much in the support of others. I assume we have all experienced that. At first people can relate and understand, but after 2-3 years they are just fed up with your suffering and move on. Wd is a good test for real and honest friends.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess it's different for everyone and for me I think I couldn't have made it this far without my support system. But I think most of us don't have much support, if your lucky 1 or 2 people will understand what's going on and like you said most of them are fed up and just move on. I think I also get fed up when people don't understand or don't even try to understand so I actually move on. On numerous occasions I've thought of chucking my phone or deleting all my contacts. I don't use Social media anymore. I ignore friends when questions are redundant

 

You don't have to agree but I think you are one tough customer to do this without support.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mort 81 and DizzyGirl. Can I say that I agree with you both. I think that if we are blessed enough to have even one stand in our corner it is so helpful. What I find absolutely amazing and difficult is that Most people cannot find another in human presence that has gone through it and gets it. So often this puts one in the category DizzyGirl discusses. We are left to walk this walk and as far as another human in proximity to us really grasping what we walk, well, they cannot. What is sad and what I think we all have found is the slowness of the process being what it is does strain even those in our corner at times. I too agree that DizzyGirl has a tenacious spirit. I also say, thankful to Altostrata, I am so glad this site exists as this is SUPPORT!!!! I have said this before and I shall say it again, I wish we could see one another!!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dizzy Girl did you ever get waves that were stronger in your 24-36 month period than previously ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess it's different for everyone and for me I think I couldn't have made it this far without my support system. But I think most of us don't have much support, if your lucky 1 or 2 people will understand what's going on and like you said most of them are fed up and just move on. I think I also get fed up when people don't understand or don't even try to understand so I actually move on. On numerous occasions I've thought of chucking my phone or deleting all my contacts. I don't use Social media anymore. I ignore friends when questions are redundant

 

You don't have to agree but I think you are one tough customer to do this without support.

I do agree with getting fed up with people that don't understand.I had a friend in my life that always wanted to go out and drink. During withdrawal I didn't drink at all, I explained it to her numerous times but still she tried to persuade me to drink every time we met. At that time I was lucky when I had a day without brain fog and I had no desire to play with my luck. People can be so egoistic and sometimes they don't even want to understand.

 

It is good for you if you have a support system. Take care

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dizzy Girl did you ever get waves that were stronger in your 24-36 month period than previously ?

I am not sure if there was a pattern to be true. In my whole wd it was a mix of long and nasty waves and shOrt waves. I do remember that I got a nasty wave close before I recovered. But I cannot remember if it lasted 8 weeks or 10 weeks. It was such a blur. And like all of the others it was not a linear process at all ????

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mort 81 and DizzyGirl. Can I say that I agree with you both. I think that if we are blessed enough to have even one stand in our corner it is so helpful. What I find absolutely amazing and difficult is that Most people cannot find another in human presence that has gone through it and gets it. So often this puts one in the category DizzyGirl discusses. We are left to walk this walk and as far as another human in proximity to us really grasping what we walk, well, they cannot. What is sad and what I think we all have found is the slowness of the process being what it is does strain even those in our corner at times. I too agree that DizzyGirl has a tenacious spirit. I also say, thankful to Altostrata, I am so glad this site exists as this is SUPPORT!!!! I have said this before and I shall say it again, I wish we could see one another!!!!

I agree. When paxilprogress closed I was so lucky to find this site.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you both. I have a question DizzyGirl. You say that just before you recovered you had a bad wavey time, then what happened? Did you go into recover state quickly or did things just sort of balance out??? Also a very blessed new year to you all.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you both. I have a question DizzyGirl. You say that just before you recovered you had a bad wavey time, then what happened? Did you go into recover state quickly or did things just sort of balance out??? Also a very blessed new year to you all.

Good question. I would like to know too. I keep experiencing random waves and each time I wonder if it will be my last.

 

Also did your hair grow back? I'm 3 yrs post and still have two bald spots. I can't wear my hair in certain styles.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Thank you both. I have a question DizzyGirl. You say that just before you recovered you had a bad wavey time, then what happened? Did you go into recover state quickly or did things just sort of balance out??? Also a very blessed new year to you all.

Good question. I would like to know too. I keep experiencing random waves and each time I wonder if it will be my last.

 

Also did your hair grow back? I'm 3 yrs post and still have two bald spots. I can't wear my hair in certain styles.

 

 

I got longer windows and then everything balanced out. After that last horrible wave I was done with it completely.

 

But of course at that time I had no idea it was my last wave. I waited for another one but it didnt appear and I was so happy // relieved about it.

 

My hair didnt grow back. It got worse over the past years but I do think now it is androgenetic alopecia like my mum had it.  I dont think it is related to paxil.

 

It really made me sad for a long time, but now I am ok. I will buy a wig if it gets real bad.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks DizzuGirl. I find it strange how the Neuro works. Maybe fascinated is a better word. That you could go from a horrible long wave and then balance out with no return of a wave---well that is amazing to me!!!! I have read other people who have said the same. Terrible wave and then no return of them. Amazing!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks DizzuGirl. I find it strange how the Neuro works. Maybe fascinated is a better word. That you could go from a horrible long wave and then balance out with no return of a wave---well that is amazing to me!!!! I have read other people who have said the same. Terrible wave and then no return of them. Amazing!

 

Maybe that is the last healing that takes place you know? The last rewiring of the brain and boom... then you are done with it. I have no idea tbh.

 

I just wished in wd that it would have been a linear process. I guess it would be easier for all of us if the waves would go from long & horrible to short and tolerable.

 

It crashed me every time when I had some goods weeks and was then back to my old miserable self.

 

And then that self doubting began. Had I done something wrong? Had I taken too many supplements? Was the weather at fault? Had I exercised too much?

 

To this day my friends dont really believe that I suffered from protracted withdrawal. They havent heard from it, they have no clue about SSRIs and that's it. And I am too fed up with explaining it to them.

 

This site has been my safe haven where ppl know and believe.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Amen to this. DizzyGirl, I know you are very much into health now and I am growing in this each day. Have you ever made and drank ginger turmeric tea? I have just started. It has huge anti inflammatory effects. It is even supposed to help build new stem cells that build neurons and assist with brain healing. I do not know how much one would have to consume but they say drink a glass or a mug full per day. I am just starting and found a good tasting recipe. Supposed to help with all kinds of stuff. I will see how it affects me. I have to be very careful as I do not tolerate herbs or amino acids but these are spices. What are your thoughts????

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dizzy Girl thanks so much for allowing us to pick your Brain a bit :) last question from me, did you ever think to reinstate further into the WD when it was still awful? Like 2 yrs out when you still weren't healed up ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What's so interesting about your" last wave " post is that I'm in this incredible nasty wave now just over 2 yrs +off and it's so much different than any wave I've had.It feels like it's fully trying to balance everything, a very odd feeling with extreme dizzyness and head pressure. I'm hoping it's like what you said the last big one.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dizzy Girl thanks so much for allowing us to pick your Brain a bit :) last question from me, did you ever think to reinstate further into the WD when it was still awful? Like 2 yrs out when you still weren't healed up ?

That is the irony of wd. The longer you are actually off the meds the harder it is for reinstating to work. But the longer you are off SSRIs & suffering the more you want to reinstate. It is an impossible situation. I wanted to reinstate after 1 year +the following years, but I didn't because it was too late. I knew it wouldn't work and my suffering the years before would be in vain.

 

I do believe that reinstating can work if you don't wait too long and do it after some weeks. But I am no expert. It is just the stuff I read on PP back in the day.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Amen to this. DizzyGirl, I know you are very much into health now and I am growing in this each day. Have you ever made and drank ginger turmeric tea? I have just started. It has huge anti inflammatory effects. It is even supposed to help build new stem cells that build neurons and assist with brain healing. I do not know how much one would have to consume but they say drink a glass or a mug full per day. I am just starting and found a good tasting recipe. Supposed to help with all kinds of stuff. I will see how it affects me. I have to be very careful as I do not tolerate herbs or amino acids but these are spices. What are your thoughts????

I never tried it but my viatnamese friend swears on it. I don't like the taste of ginger so I never tried. If I were you I would try it but don't overdo it. Maybe for the beginning just test it with 1/3 of a mug? Our cns is so sensitive in withdrawal.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Dizzy,

 

First of all happy new year! Second thanks for coming back and sharing your recovery story and answering people's question. I had one question. When you have waves and windows would your symptoms lessen during the windows and then completely went away once you fully recovered?

 

For example if you have issues with headaches, during a wave they are so bad that you can barely function. But then when you have a window the headache is still there but it's not as bad and you can at least function and do things. And then when you fully recovery it's completely gone.

 

You don't have to answer that question if you don't want to. Personally, I think you've done enough by coming back here. I think you should go off and enjoy your life now and only come back to post here periodically to keep us updated from time time.

 

One last thing, as far as people being understanding(friends, family etc). Either they can't understand because they are obviously not in our shoes, or they just don't give a sh*t!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now