blackhill4: Finally back :) withdrawal continues after 3 years 1 month

[blackhill4]

Hi I am new and not sure where I am supposed to post first ( I hope I am doing this right ). I am 13 months cold turkey now and not doing well at all. I feel dangerous to myself and others ( kinda impulsive ). I get sweats, disturbing thoughts, derealisation, dilated pupils, crazy feeling, shivering ( almost non stop ), nausea, coughing, head pressure, confusion, panic (extreme) and I think agitation which scares me more than anything else. About a month ago my symptoms changed rapidly to what I listed above, well that's what I will start with I suppose.

[coldturkmama]

How many mgs were you on when you quit?

Any windows of relief?

I am 14 mos out of my cold turkey paxil at 20mgs for 14 years. It's the hardest thing I have ever gone throuhh. I am sorry you are suffering. How long were you on it?

[blackhill4]

I was on citalopram for a month prior and had a psychotic reaction, then switched to paxil 2 weeks later. I believe this must have been a mistake because I developed serotonin syndrome and had it for 2 months (time I was on paxil) then cold turkeyed because I almost collapsed. Then the hell continued till now, I feel so weird.

[coldturkmama]

I was on citalopram for a month prior and had a psychotic reaction, then switched to paxil 2 weeks later. I believe this must have been a mistake because I developed serotonin syndrome and had it for 2 months (time I was on paxil) then cold turkeyed because I almost collapsed. Then the hell continued till now, I feel so weird.

Were you on paxil long? If you can...create a signature and add your drug history. Hopefully a mod will be here with more advice.

[blackhill4]

I was on the paxil for 2 months and had ss for 2 months. Im scared the serotonin syndrome did damage to my brain. I have had periods of relief, in fact just before I crashed I had a very nice morning. But then later that night I had a horrible panic attack and something shifted, now my withdrawals have changed. They are getting worse everyday and are almost unbearable, is this what they call a "wave"? And I'm sorry but I don't know how to add a signature yet, I was supposed to read some stuff but am having trouble focusing. I apolagise for that.

[coldturkmama]

I was on the paxil for 2 months and had ss for 2 months. Im scared the serotonin syndrome did damage to my brain. I have had periods of relief, in fact just before I crashed I had a very nice morning. But then later that night I had a horrible panic attack and something shifted, now my withdrawals have changed. They are getting worse everyday and are almost unbearable, is this what they call a "wave"? And I'm sorry but I don't know how to add a signature yet, I was supposed to read some stuff but am having trouble focusing. I apolagise for that.

Its okay.

So altogether you were only on the ssri drugs for two months? And you went off of it cold turkey 13 months wgo? Just want to make suee I understand. Ssri's change our brain that is why we have WD once our bodies realize the drug is gone. I know it's scary, but if these symptoms are worse than the reason you were prescribed it, its withdrawal related....I would assume. I am no doctor so I hesitateto give much advice but wwithdrawal has really thrown me for a loop. Mods should have more advice and know how to help or what questions to ask to help.

[MapleleafGirl]

I was on the paxil for 2 months and had ss for 2 months. Im scared the serotonin syndrome did damage to my brain. I have had periods of relief, in fact just before I crashed I had a very nice morning. But then later that night I had a horrible panic attack and something shifted, now my withdrawals have changed. They are getting worse everyday and are almost unbearable, is this what they call a "wave"? And I'm sorry but I don't know how to add a signature yet, I was supposed to read some stuff but am having trouble focusing. I apolagise for that.

yes can you clarify, if you were on the Paxil for only 2 months total?? sounds like it could have been an adverse reaction to the Paxil....

[blackhill4]

ok citalopram 1 month paxil 2 months then withdrawal. I think it must be withdrawal because I have never experienced anything even remotely close to this off the meds. I think the bad reaction may still be lingering too. Funny thing is even though I feel worse lately I feel a little more normal, kind of like I have recovered a little. Do you feel a little crazy sometimes and how are you feeling?

[mammaP]

Hi Blackhill, welcome to SA. I'm sorry to read that you are suffering so badly with withdrawal. 

You are in good company here, everyone is in different stages of withdrawal or tapering. 

It is tragic that you were on paxil for such a short time and ended up like this. You obviously 

do not tolerate psychotropic meds and should avoid them at all costs, sadly doctors seem to

have no knowledge of what they are prescribing! 

 

Withdrawal is a nightmare but it does pass, I will put up some links for you to read. When you 

understand what is going on it is easier to cope with. 

 

What is withdrawal syndrome

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/603-what-is-withdrawal-syndrome/

 

What is withdrawal syndrome

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/82-the-windows-and-waves-pattern-of-recovery/

 

Many people do well with magnesium and fish oil supplements, but other supplements help some and not others. 

You will find lots of helpful topics here in the symptoms and self care section here. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/forum/8-symptoms-and-self-care/

 

Here is how to fill out your signature. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/893-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/

[Songbird]

It does sound like adverse reactions to the SSRIs, which can produce w/d-like symptoms, plus after two months there may be a w/d component as well.  Do you have any med history prior to the citalopram?  People do recover with time, although the time-frame can vary considerably between individuals.  Although the 'waves' feel horrific, I believe they are times when our systems are doing a lot of rebalancing work.

[blackhill4]

Maple leaf girl: I did have a bad reaction to both drugs so you may be right. I was on paxil from 2007-2012 originally, went off due to it not working. 2013 I was given citalopram for extreme anxiety, psychotic reaction. went off and was given paxil two weeks later and had serotonin syndrome or a bad reaction for two months. Then went off cold turkey and symptoms persist, but now I'm getting a little bit scared... can serotonin syndrome have permenant effect? Sorry I cant find the little down arrow to add my history.

[blackhill4]

first of all I want to say how awesome you guys are for listening . I tried to tell my psychiatrist something is wrong but all he says is "very unlikely" when I disagreed he acted like I have no right to question him . Songbird: Paxil worked for me before for years but after the citalopram I was put on paxil too fast ( I think anyway) and that is why I think it made me ill.

[blackhill4]

Also during my time on paxil I went to the hospital because I was worried I would hurt someone. doctors told me" just anxiety" sent me home. very frustrating.

[coldturkmama]

first of all I want to say how awesome you guys are for listening . I tried to tell my psychiatrist something is wrong but all he says is "very unlikely" when I disagreed he acted like I have no right to question him . Songbird: Paxil worked for me before for years but after the citalopram I was put on paxil too fast ( I think anyway) and that is why I think it made me ill.

Dr.'s fkr the most part dont seem to understand or acknowledge protracted withdrawal. I hope uou find some hope realizing you are not alone.

[blackhill4]

I am definently not the only one suffering, and at least my psychotherapist believes me... she even checked out this site before I joined.

[Petunia]

Hi blackhill,

If you are reading this site from a phone, you may have difficulty adding a signature,  this post has instructions for how to do it from a phone:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/893-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/?p=84105

[ang]

ok citalopram 1 month paxil 2 months then withdrawal. I think it must be withdrawal because I have never experienced anything even remotely close to this off the meds. I think the bad reaction may still be lingering too. Funny thing is even though I feel worse lately I feel a little more normal, kind of like I have recovered a little. Do you feel a little crazy sometimes and how are you feeling?

Welcome Blackhill.  I know others have so much better information than me.  This is the most wonderful support group, listen to the moderators.   I am just a newbie here.  I believe they have finally helped me get (nearly off)  the AD addiction..

 

My experience is that once on AD medication, the cycle begins. We lose the real us.  Like trying to reach the top of a mountain on a pushbike, and never knowing why we want to get to the top anyway.  

 

Some times  we think we make it to  the top, but the track is muddly, we have to pedal to stay there,   then we start to slide down, we try to change direction  ( change drugs) ,  we try and pedal faster, we go off the drugs, or the drugs no longer work, and the  slide down increases..  Some taper, allows them to pedal a bit, so the landing at the bottom, isnt such a horrific crash.

 

Eventually we all end up at a heap at the bottom.  It is impossible to judge how well we will recover, but it is ALWAYS better than where we were.  I was on and off this stuff for 20 years.

 

The less years you were on it, the lower your mountain.  The younger and fitter you are, the more you can hang on to slow the slide down that mountain.  But every little slide down is a bump, and a bruise, and sometimes we hang on for a few hours, days, or months, or even over a year...... (window), then the slide down.........  eventually we all recover.  

 

You were on, then off, then on again (due to withdrawals I believe),  You have been off now  13 months, I am sure it is just a wave. Well done at the 13 month mark.!!  

 

 

Try and focus on anything else, at the moment I can watch television, eat and sleep.   I know I am improving. I feel horribly guilty for my lack of motivation, inability to do anything, hate myself sometimes, but that is withdrawals, tis all.  While in the depths of it it is truly terrifying, but like others on this group, you will discover a resilience you never knew was possible.  Be proud of yourself, pat yourself on the back.   

 

Psychs dont like putting people back on a previous AD med, as they know patients usually have an intolerance to it.   Obviously  paxil no longer works for you..  Citalopram doesnt work for you.  And certainly I would not recommend you try any others.  

 

""Funny thing is even though I feel worse lately I feel a little more normal, kind of like I have recovered a little. Do you feel a little crazy sometimes and how are you feeling?      This is so, so true of me.  My brain has gone back to its predrugged state, it has a clarity,           I never knew I had lost this clarity.... but now off the AD for 6 months, my mind is back.  I am so grateful for that.  But that makes the whole thing so much harder, as I suddenly feel everything, every emotion in detail.   I know it will pass, this self questioning of everything,   but glad I got my brain back.

 

However, the irrational fears, the neuroemotions, the physical symptoms, come and go.  I feel like I have Chronic fatigue and severe anxiety, and no, I never ever had those.  

 

Welcome to the group.

[blackhill4]

Is anyone out there now? I am shaking violently and cannot stop, its getting worse by the minute. I feel so terrible and desperate...

[steeley]

Hello Blackhill,

 

If you are shaking so severely you need to go the doctor. No risk.

 

I have the same problem as you in that I am unsure whether I had an adverse reaction to Lexepro or I had Serotonin Sydnrome. Both my GP and my psychiatrist diagnosed SS, so I guess that's what it was, though I'm not really convined that either profession is all that cluey about AD's, WD, Adverse Reaction, Serotonin Syndrome, so my mind is open.

 

I sometimes muse that it may not have been SS and was an adverse reaction, I just know that I felt that I was going to die and didn't really care at the time. It was traumatic/horrible.

 

I'm reducing off Mirtazapine, same book, diffeent page, and am now down to 4.50mg from 30mg.

 

O C/T'd 50% of my 30mg dose (this, following Lexepro, SS nightmare)and went to hell, so can only say you did it too quick, and if you are really sick now, severe remor, etc.) even 13 months later, you should see the doctor. That's just my view, but if you are not sick enough to warrant foing to the doctor, then yes,it does get better though is hellish.

 

Understand what you mean by sometimes feeling "real" and "alive" sometimes, so yes me and many others here have had this feeling, it's like a return to the real world. No longer brain fogged/figged. My computer is clapped out so can't send a 'smilie', wherein I'd put a big smile.

[Songbird]

Paxil worked for me before for years but after the citalopram I was put on paxil too fast ( I think anyway) and that is why I think it made me ill.

 

Can I ask why you were put on Paxil originally?  From your signature, you came off Paxil in 2012 - how did you come off the Paxil, and how long between coming off the Paxil and going on the citalopram?  It could be possible that your "severe anxiety" may have been related to Paxil withdrawal.  Some people find that after many years of use, these meds do not work the same any more, and may even cause adverse reactions.

 

For now, see if you can do some slow breathing, and if you can, try some relaxation exercises such as progressive muscle relaxation.  It might not make the shaking go away, but anything you can do to calm your nervous system will be helpful.

[blackhill4]

Well I had a meltdown tonight, I got a strange feeling and begged my mother to hospitalise me ( it was terrible ) I ran outside and walked and walked thinking my life was done, I even told god I was so sorry because I couldn't beat this when I said I would. So I eventually return home and spoke with my mom, since the citalopram I have had a paranoia of harming myself or others and it has stressed me out so bad. I'm sure it has made me worse, so much worse but after having walked I felt much better and the shaking stopped ( for a bit) and this is probably my nicest day in a very long time. My mom convinced me I'm not dangerous even with all the uncomfortable feelings like derealisation, it was very nice. Only problem is I slept a bit and woke up shaking violently again, very sick in the stomach, very dry throat and sleeping almost impossible. I was on paxil for depression caused from various things back in 2007. What should I ask my doctor about? should I just show the horrible shaking? (wont be hard). I realise I must be positive or I may become depressed which is dangerous while feeling like this.

[blackhill4]

These symptoms started about a month ago ( forgot to mention )

[blackhill4]

I ate a bit and seemed to get a fever (not too bad) the shaking subsided though

[blackhill4]

Songbird: I was put on paxil for depression and extreme anxiety in 2007, when I quit it was about a year before the citalopram (around 10 months I think). Sorry I didn't answer you right away I was in hell yesterday. I feel about 8/10 right now (relief) After quitting citalopram I was put on paxil just 2 weeks later. Also should I start a new topic I'm a serious noob at this

[Songbird]

Ten months off is unusual but not unheard of for a delayed w/d reaction to hit.  Most people feel it much sooner, but there a few unlucky people who seem fine until many months off.

 

For anxiety, see if you can find books and/or recordings by Dr. Claire Weekes.  Although she is not talking about AD w/d, her anxiety techniques can be very helpful all the same.

 

You don't need to start a new topic, the mods here like each person to put all their updates in the same place, like a journal.

[blackhill4]

Songbird: no shakes today, earlier was hell but feel good right now . I don't believe I had wd from stopping the paxil the first time, I felt very good actually. I think I just have become intolerable to ad now. ( my reaction to citalopram) My psychotherapist is helping me cope with this nightmare, meditation and breathing and muscle techniques. I tried Deepak Chopra's soul of healing meditation, I like your profile pic, what kind of bird is it?

[blackhill4]

Songbird: I just realised I confused you. When I stopped the paxil 13 months ago wd hit me day 2!  I had vivid nightmares that felt like I was awake it was horrific, I was very aggressive and violent at first ( never hurt anyone though). I yelled at everyone and slammed my walls till my arms bruised, I had puffy hands ( still do ) and many other issues. At about 4 months my wd became more like I was in a stupor. I was confused, head pressure, darting eyes, concentration problems, and lots of strange happy/hyper feelings (mania?) The mania was nice because I felt ok ( and not dangerous ) just the head stuff got frustrating. I did have mentally weird moments but not too many, so this went on until a month ago. One night I wake up feeling very strange, it was horrifying. I had panic for about 3 hours that night, and over the month my symptoms have shifted almost completely. The sweats, panic, crazy feeling (worse than ever now ), depressed feeling, loss of appetite, muscle aches, stomach sore, the shakes can be very troubling. My mental awareness has improved oddly enough despite all the craziness. I hope you and others will know my wd history a lot better now. Again thanks for listening .

[Petunia]

Blackhill, please would you add into your signature the date you stopped taking paxil for the last time, that might make it a bit clearer.  

 

 I get sweats, disturbing thoughts, derealisation, dilated pupils, crazy feeling, shivering ( almost non stop ), nausea, coughing, head pressure, confusion, panic (extreme) and I think agitation which scares me more than anything else. About a month ago my symptoms changed rapidly to what I listed above....

 

Can you think of anything you did differently about a month ago?  Did you take any new supplements or medications, even OTC meds?  Any stressful circumstances or changes in routines, foods, drugs, activities?

 

I'm happy to hear you are feeling a bit better today?

[blackhill4]

I started seeing my psychotherapist and it stressed me a lot. it may have triggered some effects. I will my sig soon.

[Songbird]

Songbird: no shakes today, earlier was hell but feel good right now . I don't believe I had wd from stopping the paxil the first time, I felt very good actually. I think I just have become intolerable to ad now. ( my reaction to citalopram) My psychotherapist is helping me cope with this nightmare, meditation and breathing and muscle techniques. I tried Deepak Chopra's soul of healing meditation, I like your profile pic, what kind of bird is it?

Yes, it seems to happen to many people that after using an SSRI for years and coming off they do not work the same again and can cause adverse reactions. It sounds like you are doing lots of good stuff to help yourself. My pic is a native New Zealand bird called a Tui. They are good singers and can mimic other sounds.

[blackhill4]

Morning to anyone on. Feel sick today and a bit weird, Its not terrible but feels bad enough. I have a fish oil question, do they all have vitamin d in them? I cannot take vitamin d right now makes me much worse.

[blackhill4]

Well I tried omega 3 fatty acid fish oil and I felt horrible. No more fish oil for good. Is it normal to have extreme mood changes and feel dangerous? I can barely take this it's so bad... don't know what to do...

[Petunia]

Some people are not able to tolerate fish oil when in withdrawal, I can't, I tried several brands and each time, my symptoms increased.  I even tried evening primrose oil and cod liver oil.  You may be able to take it when you recover a little more.  Mood changes are quite common.  It may take a while for you to recover, but you will get better eventually.

 

Here is the link to our symptoms and self care section, you may find some useful ideas to help manage symptoms as you recover.  Especially read the topics pinned at the top.

[blackhill4]

Thanks petu, the fish oil seems to have worn off and I feel a little better. I have also tried cod liver and same thing, is it strange I am more sensitive now than earlier wd? I take magnesium which is fine for me, it doesn't help my mental or emotional symptoms but it helps the tightness in my arms and legs. Sometimes this is almost impossible yet I keep pushing on, waiting for that wonderful day I feel better. When I do I want to help others who go through this because now I know this is one of the most horrible things anyone can experience. And no more fish oil for this one.

[Petunia]

I'm the same, I can take magnesium and it helps to relax my body, I sleep better when I take it, but any oil based supplement increases anxiety, I also can't take Vit D.

 

Like you, my sensitivity seems to have increased as withdrawal has progressed, but I don't see it as a bad thing, I think its my body just telling me what it needs in order to heal, and some things, at the moment are doing more harm than good.

 

Its great that you want to stick around help others when you are feeling better, more and more people are going to need help going through this and really, its only someone who has experienced what its like, who can understand.  Keep reading and learning from the information here on the site, and you will be able to pass that information onto others.

[blackhill4]

I will look over that info and vit d is terrible for me also.