blackhill4: Finally back :) withdrawal continues after 3 years 1 month

[blackhill4]

I have a few symptoms I want to mention. I get numbness on the left side of my head, it goes down my nose too. The reason I get concerned is because it was something I suffered from on the paxil this time, I get worried about things being permanent. Numbness in my face and lips, made it hard to talk yesterday. I feel like my heart is pounding in my head, like I'm not getting enough blood going somewhere. Feeling faint and fixate on things too long, looking in the mirror I look unreal and look crazed. Sometimes things look like they are split in half, like I can only see part of it( but my eyes see all of said object). This also causes me horrific mental problems like the thoughts and sometimes things I hear repeat in my head (effects like this). Gotta say feels like brain damage to me.

[Fresh]

It does feel like brain damage , but it isn't.    You brain is in the throes of a crazy shake-up.

 

Do you find that it comes in waves ?     Like it comes , and you feel crazy , then it goes away for a while , then comes back a while later?

[blackhill4]

Yes fresh it does, I have had good days in between recently when my symptoms started spiking in November. Before then I had no good days, my symptoms just stayed level ( not horrible or good). But I don't have many good days, that's for sure.

[Fresh]

I understand Blackhill.     Read the Windows and Waves thread in Symptoms and Self-Care , it will help to make sense of what's happening to you.   

If you've gone from  "no good days"  to "some good days" , then overall there's been an improvement.   That's heartening.

 

Be patient with yourself , it's going to take a while.

[blackhill4]

I get scared thinking this isn't withdrawal when I haven't seemed to have a normal waves and windows going on. And I think feb may be getting worse again .

[Prestorb]

I think this is a hard month for those in cold weather, even if they aren't dealing with WD from meds! I know I always feel better when the weather is nice and I can get out of the house. Hang in there blackhill, this too shall pass...☺️

[blackhill4]

I realise agitation is the wrong word now, because agitation is where you cannot sit still right? I can sit still but my effects are I am suddenly going to destroy anything in my way or around me. This comes with powerful urges and has been my ultimate horror, this happens if I eat too much, get too warm, don't eat enough and so on. But it is always there to a degree and it tortures me day to night EVERY DAY. After a while I am starting to break down slowly, I haven't been eating (I can sleep though) and I feel this thing will finally beat me after so long. I do find myself rocking my leg constantly and I jitter a lot so maybe akistithia  can do all this? But I don't feel I have to walk at all, some days I don't. Can I still have akistithia? One good day of relief would be nice but they are very far apart and only half an hour of relief? That isn't enough for me to regain any strength. At least I know this will last for years haha...

[Fresh]

Yes , you could have akathisia.     In the same way that the term withdrawal covers a range of symptoms , so does the term akathisia.

It can include inner restlessness , needing to move , feelings of low-grade electrical current running through parts of your body , a sense of despair , preoccupation with thoughts of death and dying , having the urge to jump out of a moving car.  It's a fluctuating condition , so sensations will come and go , and vary in intensity.

 

Monitor the periods of relief.    You'll be able to see if they are increasing in frequency and length , or if they're becoming more frequent.

Not everyone has the classic pattern of windows and waves , but I know when I was very sick any relief , for however short , was a window in my eyes.

 

I am concerned that you're having powerful urges to rage / destroy things.    Do you have a plan for how to deal with it when these urges come?

 

Blackhill , this won't last for years.   Let's just work with one day/week at a time.     You will get through it , but it's going to take some time.

[clearday]

I get scared thinking this isn't withdrawal when I haven't seemed to have a normal waves and windows going on. And I think feb may be getting worse again .

 

This all sounds like withdrawal. There is no "normal" as far as waves and windows, they vary from case to case. For example, I am going through a wave right now and it has lasted for three months so far. It sucks and it seems like it will last forever. Symptoms evolve within the wave, so the body is dealing with all the instability as best as it can and in the order that it must. It will deal with it on its own timetable, not faster as I would like it to. All I can do is wait it out. Parts of my life are on hold for now until I get out of this wave. Within the wave, some things have improved and some things seem worse at times.

[blackhill4]

Thanks you two. I am having severe mood swings and post when I feel horrible. (I'm pretty average right now) With my urge to destroy things there is no rage behind it, I believe it is related to the akathisia because you mentioned the jumping out of a car thing and I've thought about doing that. It's the same with the thoughts to destroy objects it's impulsive but I never act on them, however it can get frightening when my akathisia gets worse. Oh by the way I am not working now because I don't think I can right now (someone asked if I was working but I don't remember who).

[Fresh]

I've had that blackhill , you describe it so well:   " With my urge to destroy things there's no rage behind it."

 

When I went into hospital last year , the first thing they gave me was Effexor , and it made me violent.   I was picking up a chair (which was the only thing in the room that I could move)    and slamming it down into the ground over and over , until my wrist hurt too much.    I wasn't feeling angry , but was getting a curious pleasure from doing it.     Later I lunged towards the meals lady and slammed her trolley into the wall as hard as I could.

After that , they stopped the Effexor . . . lol.     I have never had that type of violent urge before , or since.

[blackhill4]

It seems my emotional distressed state wont settle until I take a walk, I forgot to mention I have on and off insomnia too right now.

[Altostrata]

Walking is good, if it works, walk!

[blackhill4]

Feeling better today when yesterday was a nightmare. I wanted to mention something I have experienced in wd on a lighter note. I had an emotional numbness for the first year but I also got this strange nice feeling at times, it made me like things I normally do not care for. It wasn't bad or alarming in any way just bizarre, I don't usually watch a lot of tv but I was watching it constantly during the first year and was loving it. That feeling during this wave has began to disappear, replaced by anxiety and many horrible emotions and I am losing interest in tv again lol. So I think it's part of recovering but in a way that feeling was nice, not all parts of wd are terrible, it has some upsides. I believe I will be a much stronger person after all this and I have accomplished things I may never have done in a normal state. It's certainly a life changing event and I will be doing things much differently after I recover. Just some thoughts since I feel somewhat better today.

[lundeliz]

Blackhill I just read your posts for the first time and I relate so

 

much to your story. I am almost fifteen months off Cymbalta.

 

It has been a horrible 15 months, but. I thought I was seeing

 

very gradual improvement, with some windows, until a month

 

ago. I hit a most severe wave or setback and it has been almost

 

unbearable since then. The akathisia and agitation are relentless.

 

The feeling of going crazy is one of the worst things for me too.

 

I'm sorry you are suffering too, but knowing someone else's journey

 

is following a similar pattern relieves my worries a little bit. I hope

 

the wave passes soon for you

[blackhill4]

Thanks lundeliz, I think I will follow your topic.

[blackhill4]

Today is a very, very bad day. I feel horrible, didn't sleep well and emotional/crazy feeling is really bad right now.

[blackhill4]

I think this may be too much for me, what should I do? Should I go to the hospital? Please help.

[Fresh]

Blackhill ,    what do you usually do when the panic is this bad?     It did pass all the other times , right?

[Ginger]

Have you taken a walk today? A few days ago you had a bad day and then it looks like the next day was better.

When things were bad for me-- I would pick a spot in tome to hang on to. I always thought to myself, "if I can make it to 3 pm, I can make it through the day." Somevtimes I had to hang on through the rest of the day but I just kept picking a time to look towards.

Do you enjoy movies? Light hearted, funny or hopeful. TV doesn't help much now, would a movie work?

[westcoast]

Hi Blackhill. A hospital might be in order here. I would just not want to see you treated with antidepressants or antipsychotics. The staff will probably think you are in the manic phase of bipolar illness, if they don't know your history. This can be a problem. They might tell you you simply have to take Abilify, for example, and that pill is a nasty bugger in my experience (akathisia). My heart goes out to you. I have been through what you describe, even the fun-watching-TV phase. If you do go to hospital, take an advocate who can insist that you be treated as a Paxil withdrawal patient, not bipolar or any of that baloney.

 

Some people get a little useful sedation from Benadryl, but I think others feel worse when they try it. 

 

Keep us posted.

 

 

[blackhill4]

I walked but it didn't help and it's not just panic I am dealing with, it's other horrible emotions and I think that it is getting worse, this is just about impossible now... I am afraid they will give me something and I will get worse.

[Fresh]

Blackhill , the most important thing is that you are safe.  

If you're thinking about harming yourself , if you have a plan , and are scared you might do it , then please go to hospital.   

Better yet , have community crisis services come to you so they can organize the admission , and you won't be waiting around ER and

have to explain over and over. 

You will have people around you there.  

That's my view.

Fresh

[blackhill4]

Can a wave really get this severe? It seems I feel a little better now but this has been very hard. I am starting to believe I just started withdrawing in November, or this is recovery from an adverse reaction instead. Is there a difference between the recovery symptoms of the two?

[Purplestars22]

I know how tough this can be I had a crash last month. Is visiting a psychologist that is knowledgeable in withdrawal a possibility? I went to the website Mad in America and there was a psychologist in Canada of the name Brad Hagen. http://www.madinamerica.com/service-directory/

 

Also here is a link of you may find helpful of withdrawal http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/392-one-theory-of-antidepressant-withdrawal-syndrome/

 

If there is possibility for you to not be alone and try to stay calm.

[lundeliz]

Just wondering how you are doing now blackhill. I really hope you

 

are feeling a little better.

[blackhill4]

Sorry I didn't reply. I am ok right now (sort of) but today was the same old nightmare, the thoughts come on all the time but I am trying to deal with it.

[blackhill4]

Anyone else get hives (only on the legs) and have a red chest?

[blackhill4]

I keep forgetting to mention these two symptoms. I get a weird tension in my arms and it makes me want to squeeze down on something really hard. Also I sometimes constantly fidget and rub my hands.

[Petunia]

Anyone else get hives (only on the legs) and have a red chest?

 

I've had a rash on my chest and stomach and it seems others have had hives on the legs, see this topic:

 

Mysterious hives

[blackhill4]

Thanks petunia, I think my blood pressure may be a little high (red chest). And the hives which look like bursted blood vessels are not as bad with my new diet. Maybe related to food sensitivities?

[Fresh]

It's possible blackhill.     There's a thread in Symptoms and Self Care on food sensitivity , might be worth checking it out.

[westcoast]

I would see a doctor about the rash and the hives. Rashes can be signs of things being quite wrong.

[blackhill4]

The hives are almost gone now that I have started to eat healthy, so I think that they were caused by food sensitivity. And I don't have a rash my chest is flushed looking (just red colored, no sores or itching).

[blackhill4]

I think I may have what may be called excitability, is this what jumping out of your skin is supposed to be?

[blackhill4]

So is this supposed to just get worse and worse? It seems to be and I get no relief.