Dez: Antidepressant hell, need support

[powerback]

Been a short while since I posted.

 

It's period week, so of course the symptoms are bad. This time, however, rather than mostly emotional and mental issues I'm having a lot of physical ones. I have been staying up pretty late working on drawings for Mother's Day (Mom always prefers gifts I make her rather than ones I buy). I started taking a Vitamin B Complex, as well, since I read online that taking one is good before going off birth control. I will be going off of mine to see if it helps me feel any better. It might make things worse, it might make them better, but at this point in time I feel I'm able to handle just about anything...

 

Tonight while I was showering I got these bright spots in my eyes. Kinda like that salt and pepper look we sometimes get when we stand up too fast, but this time it was just white spots. I'm not sure if that's normal or if I should look into going to the eye doctor for a check up. Headaches have also been happening for about three weeks now, but that could be from all the allergy issues going on plus the tension. It's very difficult to tell what is withdrawals, what is normal, and what is caused by other things. It's enough to drive anyone to insanity. I'm hanging in there though. Staying strong and dealing with whatever comes my way. It won't beat me.

 

hi Dez ,I also have the headaches they consume my time cant pin down exactly why I have them , 

Ile second the line it wont beat me ,yesterday could of been one of my worst days ever for symptoms and depression.

we all deserve peace so we never give up in our quest .

PB

[Dez]

Hello, PB.

 

I'm sorry you're still struggling so much in this. But you're right, we never give up, we can't. How long have you had your headaches? What do they feel like? Where are they? Maybe this is just a thing with withdrawal. I'm sure it'll pass but it's been killing me to the point I have to stay in bed most of the day until I feel better to get up. I hope healing on you, my friend!

[powerback]

Hello, PB.

I'm sorry you're still struggling so much in this. But you're right, we never give up, we can't. How long have you had your headaches? What do they feel like? Where are they? Maybe this is just a thing with withdrawal. I'm sure it'll pass but it's been killing me to the point I have to stay in bed most of the day until I feel better to get up. I hope healing on you, my friend!

Hi dez I'm conflicted about being in withdrawal because I still take the drug ,but I'm definitely in a tolarence trap as in they stop working and are just creating problems.

My headaches are all through my head with ruminating and nasty intrusive thoughts almost like my thoughts been taking over by something ,I'm really scared but determined to fight every second of the day.my living arrangements kind of force me out of house everyday so I get no peace sometimes I do,I believe I have too make huge decisions to reduce stress.yesterday i didn't get out of bed till 4pm had a small walk to supermarket.

 

Just back from my doctor witch is never a comfortable experience ,there almost trained how to deal with me I reckon because it's known how critical of there job I am ,I noticed today how quick he was to shut me down when I go down a certain avenue of criticism ,the scary thing is this doctor is even liberal and open minded,I got what I need for now then shook he's hand to be polite .

Fight fight and never give up .

Respect

PB

[Dez]

 

Hello, PB.

I'm sorry you're still struggling so much in this. But you're right, we never give up, we can't. How long have you had your headaches? What do they feel like? Where are they? Maybe this is just a thing with withdrawal. I'm sure it'll pass but it's been killing me to the point I have to stay in bed most of the day until I feel better to get up. I hope healing on you, my friend!

Hi dez I'm conflicted about being in withdrawal because I still take the drug ,but I'm definitely in a tolarence trap as in they stop working and are just creating problems.

My headaches are all through my head with ruminating and nasty intrusive thoughts almost like my thoughts been taking over by something ,I'm really scared but determined to fight every second of the day.my living arrangements kind of force me out of house everyday so I get no peace sometimes I do,I believe I have too make huge decisions to reduce stress.yesterday i didn't get out of bed till 4pm had a small walk to supermarket.

 

Just back from my doctor witch is never a comfortable experience ,there almost trained how to deal with me I reckon because it's known how critical of there job I am ,I noticed today how quick he was to shut me down when I go down a certain avenue of criticism ,the scary thing is this doctor is even liberal and open minded,I got what I need for now then shook he's hand to be polite .

Fight fight and never give up .

Respect

PB

 

 

Hey PB, I understand about the nasty thoughts and feeling like your mind has been taken over. I had an episode of that some time ago and I nearly freaked out from it because I couldn't stop thinking it. In the end singing ended up helping me out, focusing on something that would get my mind elsewhere. Perhaps doing that will help you through those moments.

 

Keep fighting it or at least surviving through it. Give it time and try doing things to keep you busy, even if it's just sitting down and doing something like reading, writing, sewing, use a coloring book, something to just "burn time" as Aeroman says. I've picked up my art hobbies again, which is AMAZING considering I lost that interest while being on ADs. It's slowly coming back, I even drew my mother two large pictures for Mother's Day. Push through it! You will get through this!

 

Even if the doctors don't believe you, we do here. I believe in you!

[powerback]

Hi dez thanks for your warmth and encouragement ,I listen to Eckhart tolle, he's a genius what he says about the addiction of thinking ,I'm listening to the power of now at the moment ,ile listen to it a few times ,I'm always falling asleep when relaxed  .it helps me with over thinking of past failures and future thinking overwhelming me .

I only went to  doctors the other day to have a slight drug change, thankfully I'm a good while now  ever going to listen to there rubbish again .

working part time and always try to keep busy ,finished a kitchen project that I enjoyed recently.

Respect and take care

PB     

[Dez]

Hey PB, glad that you're working through things!

 

So there's this new place in town that works with pet stuff that I decided to apply for because I figured I need something to get me out of the house. People say it helps in some ways during withdrawal. I have a job interview Monday and I'm terrified. I figured if Irishwill can do what he did after going through all of that then so can I. Just need some support from those who do have jobs.

 

How has working part time helped you?

[Dez]

Figured I'd give a bit of an update. It's been a long road and it's still going.

 

Work started June 7th and for awhile it was fine. I was able to get up, go to work, and deal with people and situations fairly well. Still felt like crap but managed it. In the beginning, 8 hours was the main schedule while the store was being set up, then it went down to 5 hours, which was a lot easier, but it was almost every other day with no consecutive days off. Still was doing fairly well.

 

Then the situation with my grandmother went downhill. Cutting it short, she passed away and it's been hell ever since. My boss has me on backup now, my schedule has been blank for awhile. This doesn't help with the negative emotions and feeling like a failure at life. The symptoms seemed to get better for awhile then suddenly just dropped. Today, just a little bit ago, I had my heart race, headache, feeling like I was going to pass out, chest pain, muscle weakness everywhere, feeling of exhaustion, tight throat, dizziness. The only thought that came to mind was "oh no, I've fallen back into a pit again." On top of all of this, I'm home alone, which makes me even more anxious when things start happening. During the time of the "attack" I took my temperature. It was 99.3, so it spiked up a bit. I thought all these "feel like I'm dying" symptoms finally left and that I was finally healing, but that is just too easy it seems.

 

Honestly, I feel lost right now. I'm in pain, feeling horrible, and those close to me have gotten tired of me being this way. I don't blame them. Sometimes I get tired of myself too. Lately the memory problems have hit me, as well as the DR getting much worse. Nothing around me seems real and it's almost like my mind is trying to merge what I watch on TV with my reality. It's like June was okay and then towards the end it just got so much worse. Will it end? Ever? What if I'm like some people and 7 to 12 years down the line I'm still fighting this? Can I even fight that long? Am I going crazy?

 

I'll keep fighting, though. I don't really know why but that's all I know how to do. Sorry for this post, just really needed to get it out in some form or another.

[Waiting12]

Hey girl. Firstly I want to say I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. Hugs!

 

Secondly, I think you gotta give yourself (& your CNS) a little credit! You have been doing really awesome! It's also ok & probably even expected that work stress and a huge family stress could form a waveish type thing. (Both of those situations are highly stressful for someone not in wd.) You will keep healing & become stronger in the ability to handle external stress along the way  

 

It WILL end but every one says it's not a straight line to get there. You are one of the toughest & most optimistic people I've talked to. Take those 'what if' thoughts and toss them. This wavey thing will pass like always. 

 

I think i know how you are feeling in a way... I think people around here call it battle fatigue. Sick and tired of being sick and freaking tired. Even though we know we are slowly getting better overall we just want this to be OVER and get on with life. 

 

I hope you feel better real soon. Hang in there. I'm rooting for you! 

[Dez]

Hey, Waiting.

 

Thank you so much for your reply. It really does help to have support from someone going through similar situations and sensations. Thank you also for your sympathies, it's been really hard on my family, but it's also a good thing. Mema no longer has to suffer and she's with the love of her life now (she was married to him at the age of 15!). I'll take your words to heart about healing and working through this. I never thought anyone would call me optimistic! Thank you!

 

I know you've gone through so much! If anyone knows anything about the sensations and feelings, it's you. You're so strong and doing so well in fighting this! We'll support each other through all of this. Thank you so much. Sending you happy thoughts and prayers!

[Dez]

Hello, everyone. Is everyone doing alright? Any better? It's been...quite a long time since I last posted. I've been kinda stalking the posts and success stories a lot, so I haven't been gone completely. This might be long but we'll see.

First off let me say that there are some things that have gotten better and some things that have hit hard. A lot of people have been posting in a specific format so I'll give it a shot, too, and see if it helps a bit.

Anxiety: This has gotten much better, but it's definitely still there. Most of it seems to be situated around my chest region, whether it's feeling like I'm not getting enough air or just feeling strange? Like there's a pressure but there's not. On top of that, tight clothing items like bras or binders are difficult to deal with still, but definitely getting better.

Negative Thoughts: Oh boy. This one is BAD. This symptom has got to be the one that has hit the hardest. I get terrible moments of constant dark thoughts or feelings, like the best thing would be for me to disappear (not suicidal, as I've stated a year ago it's more of a "feeling" than actually wanting it). And jealousy. The jealousy is making life very hard right now. It's not a jealousy towards everyone, just specifically my sister (which seems very strange to me?). I get these thoughts like "why is she complaining? At least she can freakin work, people talk to her and ENJOY talking to her, she makes loads of money, has her own car, etc" and it can get stuck in an endless loop of just that. Small things that she does that used to slightly irritate me practically causes my chest to tighten and I just want to scream at her. I can proudly say that there hasn't ever been an outburst from me literally, it's all internal.

Derealization: This has also gotten worse, but mostly at night. When the sun is out it seems to be better, probably because things are a "natural" brightness, but it gets much worse after dark. Everything is in a "dream" like state and it makes telling reality from dreams difficult at times. Like, I'll try to remember something from the other day but can't quite remember if it was something that actually happened or if it was something I dreamt up. Some days are better than others, though, so there is that.

Poor Concentration/Terrible Memory: This has also gotten worse. My thoughts can never stay in one place and trying to remember anything is the hardest thing. It's gotten to the point where I seriously feel very, very stupid. Because of this I also say these things out loud: "I'm just stupid," "I'm dumb," "I'm a dumbass." It just happens because my memory is so shot. And the concentration just plays into that because I can't focus TO remember anything.

Depression: Another symptom that has gotten worse, but better in a way?. Because of everything tying into each other, of course the depression would get worse, but it's more than that. While the waves of it have gotten less frequent, they've gotten far stronger when they hit. Still not as bad as the very beginning, but still there for sure.

Social Avoidance: While I can go to the store or practically anywhere else, it's hard to actually want to. My sister's father came to visit Sunday (weird relationship we have), but instead of joining them as I usually do, I stayed in bed. And it's like that with most people. I'll avoid the neighbors, go inside the house if someone comes out of their apartment, not look people in the eyes, and generally just avoid it if I can. I was NEVER like this before, so it's hard to deal with.

Crying Spells: These happen RARELY now. Sometimes the depression will hit and I'll bawl my eyes out, but they don't happen nearly as often as they used to. Yay progress~

Constant Thinking: THIS. I've thought it over and swear that I should have been diagnosed with ADHD. honestly speaking with my sister and mother, it's possible I've had it and never been diagnosed with it. From what I've read, it shows itself differently in women than in men, so it's difficult to diagnose at an early age. So whether I have it and the withdrawals made it worse or the withdrawals just make it seem like I have it, the thoughts never stop. I can be reading or playing a game or doing the dishes and my mind is off day dreaming up some scenario in my head at the same time. Or if I'm angry at someone there will be silence and I'll just create something in my head of me getting my anger out on them. It's so weird and I can't recall if this has always happened, but daydreaming in the past was definitely a thing. Just not this bad.

Physical Pain: This is a bit of a standstill. I've been doing at home yoga for over half a year now. While this has definitely helped the situation, the pain lasts for awhile. Even walking outside for an hour will cause severe pain the next day. Neck and back are by far the worse, but other areas will hurt as well like the calves or this weird nerve like pain in the joint of my right big toe.

Lack of Motivation/Bursts of Motivation: Sometimes I'll get random bursts to get creative and do art again, so it flies! Other times I can hardly get myself to do the dishes. It's awful. It's like there's a constant war going on of "you should at least try" and "what's the point?"

Headaches: Constantly, some worse than others but it seems to be a sensitivity to the crazy whether we've had here.

Fatigue/Tiredness: All the time. Funny enough I can never get myself to go to bed earlier than dawn. I get about 6-8 hours of sleep, but the timing is awful. Dawn to about 2 or 3pm is when I sleep, back into the old schedule of when I was on ADs. It's not something I want, but the lack of motivation and the fact it's about the only time I get to myself is causing me to not really care enough to try harder.

Gut Pain: SOOOOOO much better. I can actually eat! Ah yes, THIS is what has helped so much! From 119lbs to 126lbs. The yoga added muscle and the food gave energy that was desperately needed. There's hope for everything~ I tried drinking Kefir for the probiotics which helped greatly, but lactose is something my gut doesn't like. So sis suggested making our own with coconut milk! It's definitely something.

Menstruation: Ever since going off all medications, including birth control, my periods have fluctuated. Sometimes it'll range from the mid 20s to the early 40s in days before I get one. The periods I have tend to make me feel somewhat better in mood, but have been rather heavy and painful the first few days before tapering off.

Acne: Still a nightmare. I've never had acne so bad in my entire life. I can tell you that everything except going to a doctor has been tried and NOTHING helps. Some on my forehead, alone my spine, a little on my shoulder blades, bad ones on my cheeks and chin. It's kinda cystic I think? Hard to tell when Google Images gives you mostly horrible, severe pictures. If I pick they take forever to heal, if I don't pick they still take forever to heal. I've tried essential oils, creams, honey mixtures, over the counter cleansers, everything! At this point it's probably my hormones all messed but what else can be done?

Tinnitus: This has almost completely gone away. Every now and then there will be like your ears popping, then a ring, but then it just fades. Silence isn't as bad to deal with anymore.

Dizziness: Still have this. It seems to happen most frequently when I get up from sitting or squatting, but it doesn't last too long. It does, however, happen frequently.

Heart Palps/Racing: Out of all the symptoms, I'm happy to say this one has improved greatly. I'll get the flutter feeling sometimes now but it's not nearly as bad. The racing heart feeling will also come out of nowhere, but the best thing to do is to ignore it and move on. Not focusing on it and going with a "whatever happens, happens" attitude has kept some sanity. Exercising has also helped this because I know that everyone's heart will pump harder and faster (especially if they're not an athlete). Yoga also has helped this because it taught me how and when to breathe.

Stress Sensitivity: I'm not entirely sure what to think about this one. It's a bit of a stranger symptom. Every April and September sis and I will go to conventions. April isn't nearly the size of September (the latter being over 30,000+ people). While at this year's April convention I was pretty okay. Sleep hardly happened but it was pretty good. It was only when we went back home that it got bad. I had a HUGE depression spell for over a month. September is coming up and I'm forcing myself to go again to this one. So we'll see how it goes.


Sorry if this was a little long. It's been a long time since I was able to let it all out. The support here is nearly null now, so a lot of things are kept inside. If you feel that something was missed or have questions about symptoms, let me know! I'll try to answer them. All in all I'm trying to hang in there. In about half a year we'll be moving, but not sure to where. Maybe a change in scenery will help. Maybe the new place will actually have jobs or an animal rescue that's close enough for me to walk to. Speaking of moving, I helped two people move through all of this and still pulled through. Sometimes you just have to force yourself to do things to get the mind off of everything. Now if I can just figure out how to fix this terrible sleeping habit....

 

[Carmie]

Hi Dez, 

 

Im sorry you have so many symptoms but keep journaling here. Your journal was well written.  It sometimes does help to journal down your symptoms, to just get them out of your head n see them on paper or a tablet in this case .

 

It is amazing how many symptoms we can get, some you wouldn’t even think were related to withdrawals.

 

Wishing you all the best💚

[Dez]

Thanks, Carmie.

I don't write a whole lot anymore since it's easier to keep up with symptoms now. I can definitely say I'm WAY better than in the beginning, it's just those depressive waves that hit that get difficult to deal with. It's still really early for me, going on about two years now? So hopefully things will even out and get even better. There are many ways of dealing with this now, especially with my sudden art bursts. I've been working on a lot of different things and it does help. I still feel like my brain can't really handle much, like thinking and trying to get thoughts to actually come out of my mouth in a comprehensive manner. Sometimes reading really long things gets irritating as my eyes dart all over the page, but other times I can read really long online books. So there are coping methods to get me through the thick of things. Everyone just needs to hang on as long as they can and then some. Those good days are certainly worth it.

[Carmie]

On 8/10/2018 at 5:21 PM, Dez said:

Thanks, Carmie.

I don't write a whole lot anymore since it's easier to keep up with symptoms now. I can definitely say I'm WAY better than in the beginning, it's just those depressive waves that hit that get difficult to deal with. It's still really early for me, going on about two years now? So hopefully things will even out and get even better. There are many ways of dealing with this now, especially with my sudden art bursts. I've been working on a lot of different things and it does help. I still feel like my brain can't really handle much, like thinking and trying to get thoughts to actually come out of my mouth in a comprehensive manner. Sometimes reading really long things gets irritating as my eyes dart all over the page, but other times I can read really long online books. So there are coping methods to get me through the thick of things. Everyone just needs to hang on as long as they can and then some. Those good days are certainly worth it.

 

Hi Dez, 

 

Im glad to hear that your symptoms are better than they were in the beginning. I’m glad you’ve found ways to distract yourself too, I have a million distractions too when things are bad. 

 

So true how you said everyone has to hang on  as long as they can n then some when going through waves. That really sums it up well worded! I think I’ll use that quote. 

 

Take care💚

 

 

[Dez]

And here I've returned with another update. Figured it's best to post them here when things change.

 

Where to start? I guess for awhile things were going really well. We moved to a new location and it's way better than the original. It's quiet, the neighbors are nice, there's more room for both my sister, me, and our cats. The move went really well, too! I was able to lift things up without any issues, including dressers, desks, and heavy boxes, and live in the house on my own for two months with sis coming back and forth from the other place.

 

Somewhat recently, I felt the best that I ever had. I learned that my self critic is the biggest issue, and that people tend to have it come up more when trying new things, doing things you want to do, etc. It fuels it which feeds the negative thoughts and causes it to feel worse. It's something I've pushed through and actually started to feel the most positive in a long, long time. I've stuck with yoga, so I've gained muscle. I started eating a lot more and actually got my appetite back. Sis and I were able to go out a lot and explore the stores in our new town. The biggest issue I had was my pain and sleep schedule issues.

 

So I went to a chiropractor. Terrified of doctors still, but it's been a long time coming. I went to this little office to visit a family chiro who had tons of good reviews. And she helped A LOT. Apparently my entire pelvic region, my neck, and some areas of my back were all out of alignment. Fast forward two months later and I'm feeling fantastic! She helped a ton and all my good vibes just got better. Then I took a next step and got a pillow that's recommended by them from Pillowise (cause my pillow was so bad that she didn't even want to look at it). Had more issues sleeping after this because it was a new pillow that actually aligned my body, but literally had no pain when using it. It was crazy! I haven't had pain free symptoms like that in a long, long, LONG time. Things were great.

 

Yeah. There's a "but" in there.

 

Two weeks after having the new pillow I got sick. And had a terrible menstrual cycle. And panic attacks are back after that first year. My period is over with but now I keep having severe anxiety and panic attacks are happening every time I wake up. Getting to sleep is one hell of a battle and the exhaustion is so bad I want to cry. Eating is extremely difficult since the nausea is back but my stomach is always growling like it's starving. Headaches are miserable, which is probably from the panic and anxiety. Literally every problem I had before has returned. This time, however, I can deal with the panic a bit easier. I breathe through it (breathe in four counts, hold for one count, breathe out four counts) which usually helps, but today the panic would. Not. Calm. Down. My exterior was calm, I was breathing, but it went on for a long time. I got on the phone with my sister just in case something really bad happened and it just kept going. Currently as I type this is completely calmed down and I haven't felt one coming on since, so it's not as bad as the beginning, where the panic attacks happened one after another after another without much of a break in between. But my head is killing me, I'm extremely exhausted, and my body is so tense that it's hurting.

 

Yeah. I cried a little about this. I was doing so well and suddenly this is happening all over again. I haven't slept well at all in weeks and when sleep does come, it's only for a few hours. IF there's more than eight hours it's usually broken up and there's an immediate panic attack after waking up (so my guess is the panic or whatever is actually what's waking me up) topped with chest pain that's instantly there and making me worry that today will be the day that I die. Yes I have "air hunger" again and it's awful. I hate feeling like I can't breathe right. It seems to make everything feel worse. And I have a convention to go to at the end of this month!!!

 

Here's the thing: even though this is happening again, in the moments it's miserable and I feel like dying, even when my negative thoughts want to take over and rip me a new one, I don't want to give up. And I don't want to give up hope. So let's break this down here and now, logically, and try to think through this.

 

What could be the cause of this?

 

1) New pillow. Everything started with that pillow. It's new, it's different, it's weird. But it can't be bad, right? I woke up not in pain before and it properly aligns my body. So let's take that right there. It properly aligns my body. So this is a change that's happened with my body that maybe my body isn't used to. A drastic change that, in the end, could cause my brain to be like "hold up, something's different, have to recalibrate." Another side of the cube to process and figure out. Which causes all those other colors to get messed up in said processing.

 

2) Sickness. My ears started feeling terrible, headaches, nausea, felt hot. Not sure what it was but it felt very similar to the stomach flu and the chiropractor that I go to does treat babies and small children, which are things I'm not around a lot. So I could have picked something up. Bacterial or viral, it's another thing that my body wasn't used to and it could throw everything crazy. Has my sickness gotten better? I'm not sure. I don't have insurance and finding a good doctor is extremely difficult, especially with a fear of doctors and being in a new town. Sis says money isn't a problem, but just that guilt alone coupled with all the fears and anxiety tops this whole ordeal off with a big, gleaming, sour cherry. Whatever the case, my poor beaten body was fighting off something nasty, along with point number one.

 

3) Menstrual cycle. And hell was it a cycle. Very first day triggered the first panic attack I've had since all this started. Actually had the attack before the bleed. Now periods were always a problem and lately mine have been getting a bit worse, but still staying with a somewhat normal cycle?? Obviously not as regulated as being on BC, but definitely somewhat predictable. Somewhat. It'll happen between days 28-40. Kinda a big range. But it goes on for the same amount of days. This time, however, while I didn't have too many cramps there was a TON of bleeding. Usually it's real bad on day one and two but then just trails off. This time those first couple of days turned into four. And the nausea was insane. During the time of this and being sick, I hardly ate anything at all. I'm still hardly eating anything, but it's a constant work in progress. Now the period is gone, but I'm still having symptoms. So my body is also dealing with some hormonal problems at the moment (which, adding on to this, I've taken soy almost completely out of my diet due to the fact that my acne is still absolutely terrible. Note: this has actually helped me decrease the inflammation of the acne, so it's possible that it causes an inflammation response in my body. I'll go into further detail below).

 

4) Soy. Before this all happened I decided to take soy completely out of my diet, which is terrible because most things use soybean oil or soy lecithin (though most people allergic to soy don't seem to have a problem with soy lecithin???). While it did help my acne, I'm still wondering if it plays a part. There's this thing I heard where soy is kinda similar to estrogen? I was drinking a TON of soy milk before all this happened because I can't stand cow's or goat's milk. So it makes me wonder if this might have messed things up too, both me drinking a ton and then not drinking any or having any of it in my diet. Maybe it's something my body needed? Almond milk has been the new switch but it's not as creamy as soy milk.

 

5) Stress. LOTS of it. As mentioned before I have a convention coming up at the end of October. Sis and I go once a year and this year we planned on going to the ball there, so our costumes had to be made in a short period of time. They're still not done yet and it's kind of a rush. This with everything above, lack of sleep, not eating well, trying to do drawing homework (I'm attempting to better myself as an artist), having time limits to get them done, staying up late to get all these things done, which goes into another cycle of not getting a lot of sleep and added stress. And we all know that stress is horrible during this time. I've also been unable to do yoga much because of the sickness and pain, plus cleaning a lot, plus the ruminating thoughts/negativity/hopelessness that attacks at times. Crying is both a godsend and a curse in this. While it helps, it tends to make me feel like I can't breathe well, which ironically almost stops me from crying instantly 😂

 

 

In the end, a lot of shite is going on at the same time, which seems to be the pattern for every disaster in my life. Sis and I were joking about maybe not going to a doctor, but going to someone who does voodoo or going to an exorcist 😂 It's pretty crazy. Goes to show that a lot can change with the drop of a hat. I'm trying to stay positive, letting myself feel what comes up, crying when it needs to happen, and just moving forward. Do I worry? Yeah. A metric ton of worrying happens almost daily. Do I still have bad habits? Yes. I really do and they're extremely hard to break, but it's something I'm becoming more aware of. But I'm trying to change the things that I can change while accepting the things that can't. It's really difficult and the battles with my demons and myself take up a lot of my thought processes, but the important thing is to keep going. My self critic destroys me constantly, but regardless of that I'm still trying to draw. I've never sewn before and it tells me I'm stupid, that I should stop, that it won't look good no matter how hard I try yet I keep sewing. From what I've researched, this is actually really normal. Your self critic gets worse the more you fight it, but keep fighting it and it will calm down over time as your confidence builds up. Eventually you'll think "hey, that's not really so bad" and "well I'm a beginner, so it's not going to look professional." Keep fighting. Keep hoping. Keep trying. Just move forward.

 

I'm terribly sorry this got so long, but I really wanted to give an thorough update for everyone so that you guys know what's going on. It's kinda important to make notes of changes like this. If anyone has had experiences like this or any other thoughts on it, advice, anything at all, please feel free to mention them. And ask questions, too, if you like! Despite all this I'm a pretty chill person.

 

Happy healing to everyone here! And just hang in there the best you can. Your rubix cube is a busy little thing.

[Dez]

Update

 

- Waking with heart racing /panic attacks, doing better with coping ("acceptance") 

 

- Issues sleeping at night (pass out at around 5-6am every day, wake up 2-3 hours later with panic) 

 

- Weird dreams /nightmares frequently

 

- Appetite has returned, less abdominal pain, less nausea

 

- Angry all the time, bouts of inner rage

 

- Chest pains still /issues breathing, ESPECIALLY after eating

 

- Sensitivity to sugar? 

 

- HORRIBLE acne still, possible hormonal problems

 

- Body pains, mainly in hips (chiropractor noted this was a problem area along with some ribs and my neck) 

 

- Wake up with insanely dry eyes, like I sleep with them open (seriously they're SO dry and painful) 

 

- DR so really bad, getting used to it

 

- Frequent headaches, can actually predict the weather now better than the weatherman (I'm a living barometer)

 

- Mood swings all the time (lots of jealousy issues /feeling inferior) 

 

- Seeing spots now/white dots? Like little flashes of light? 

 

- Fatigue like nothing else

 

- Constant stress

 

+ Better appetite

 

+ Laughing a bit more

 

+ Arting again

 

+ No sensitivity to music

 

+ No sensitivity to light (prefer sun now) 

 

+ Enjoy videos/movies

 

+ Chiropractic therapy (with a birthday massage coming up!)

 

+ Learning to accept /cope

 

+ Communicating emotions better

 

+ Still go out in public despite how I feel

 

+ Engage conversations with neighbors /strangers

 

+ Still able to enjoy hot showers

 

+ New appreciation for tea

 

+ Able to think despite feeling stupid most times

 

+++ Keeping my stubborn, strong desire to live no matter what

 

+++ Despite what I go through or how much it hurts, I'm proud that I can push through it, understand that the body and mind can handle so much and survive, and remembering the windows I've had or the good things to help keep me going

[Phoenixmama]

@Dez +++ Despite what I go through or how much it hurts, I'm proud that I can push through it, understand that the body and mind can handle so much and survive, and remembering the windows I've had or the good things to help keep me going 

 

 

THANK YOU FOR THIS , I NEEDED IT TODAY ❤️🌞