Dez

Dez: Antidepressant Hell, Need support

186 posts in this topic

Hello, the longing is tough i know ( 3 years for me now ) but you are getting windows which is already a great sign. I didn't have very many windows myself until about 2 years, hang in there man :)

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Thank you, black.

 

My windows have been good, but the wave I'm in right now is pure torture. I'm constantly fighting off bad feelings and these headaches I'm having don't make it any easier. I think I'm going to have to take pain medication. Honestly, if this is what I go through, I hope it's not going to be years. I can't take this that long.

 

On another note, I seen my psychiatrist today, who I learned isn't actually a p doc. She's a nurse practitioner in the process of becoming a p doc. She's very sweet though and is going to refer me to another psychiatrist, who only sees patients she refers. She kept telling me she felt like she failed me and doesn't know why. I told her about withdrawal syndrome and she never heard of it before. Told her I don't want to die but medications make me worse, I just want to heal naturally without medications.

 

She told me she admires that.

 

She wants me to talk to the other psychiatrist, nothing else, then I'll go back and see her. She wants me to tell him exactly what I told her and she wants me to get better, apologizing that I'm going through all of this. I hope this is a good thing. I hope this will get me help soon.

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Hi Dez,  glad to see you are having some windows.  I have to mindfully be attuned to the windows because it is so easy to get sucked into the waves and think your life is going to be that way forever.  Hang in there, it will improve even more.

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Thanks, Survivor.

 

I'm really trying to hang in there. I'll do what I can and just wait it out like a bad storm.

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Dez I'm glad you are having good windows. My windows right now are just less severe symptoms with derealization. I can't wait until I get a good normal one! Good for you. Your doctors sounds really nice. I think you're on the right track.

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I hope you get good windows too, Waiting. I pray for everyone better in hopes they heal through all of this. I hope I'm on the right track. If the doctors share anything useful I'll be sure to post it here for everyone.

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O,

 

Wow, I had no idea you dealt with them for so long! You're amazing, in my eyes. I just started having them in October and can't see how people have dealt with them for so long. People are amazing.

 

You're right, only someone going through the same thing understands completely. Did you have throat tightness, too? I find it very scary and irritating at the same time, almost like I can't breathe normally. It hurts and feels tight a lot and almost like I'm going to hyperventilate, despite me being fine breathing. I've tried great and drinking hot tea. It eases it but it's still there.

 

 

Dez -

 

Thank you for saying that I was amazing.  No one has ever said that to me.  It has been a challenge that I deal with on a daily basis.  I certainly wish that I didn't have them, but I know there are worse things that I could be dealing with.

 

I did not have the throat tightness.  I am sure it is scary.  How long have you been dealing with it? 

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O,

 

I've been dealing with this since just October. Throat tightness started maybe about a month ago. And the bad feelings of dying started less than a month ago, I believe. I'm fighting hard today with those feelings. I'm in pain right now and constantly feel like crying since I woke up. I'm so miserable right now. The windows have been coming but the waves seem so much harder to deal with. Not sure how much longer I can do this.

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Dez -

 

I have dealt with those feelings of dying. They are difficult to deal with. I understand the constant feeling of crying. For over a year I cried everyday. Some days it was uncontrollable crying and I could not stop crying all day. There were days I wasn't sure I was going to make it. When I had those days I would go to bed early hoping I would sleep and not feel the pain that I was in.

 

It is difficult when you are in a bad wave. I have had very few windows and feel like I am in a constant wave.

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O,

 

I'm sorry everyone has to go through these kinds of symptoms. It's just not fair to anyone. All we wanted was help, which may have been what we got at first, but this is awful. I've been trying to distract my mind with games (I'm a big gamer) but while it does help sometimes, the feelings always remain. So today I just cried a bit. Sis was here to help and make me feel better but it's just miserable.

 

Do you feel like you've come far from where you first were? Are you better than before? I hope you get peace soon. I want everyone here to get better.

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Dez -

 

I try to distract myself as well, but it isn't easy.  For some reason I think feeling good equals happiness and feeling bad equals unhappiness.  I know there are people out there that even when they feel bad they are happy, I wish I could be that way.  When I have done things to distract myself I still am thinking I don't feel well. 

 

Yes, I do feel like I have come a far way since I went off Prozac and I am better then I was before.  Instead of celebrating that I am better I still complain about how I am feeling.  I feel like I have trained myself to be negative. 

 

I wish you peace too. 

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O,

 

It's alright to be unhappy when feeling bad, I think that's pretty normal. Especially when going through something for so long. Positivity in these times is very difficult.

 

I'm glad you're better. And once again, it's difficult to be positive in these times. We just have to think our brains are healing. Maybe when you feel negative you should continue to say that? I'm going to start saying more positive things, even if I don't feel positive, as it seems to help the healing process.

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Dez -

 

I am going to start to focus more on the positive.  I think I should put up little notes to remind myself to be positive.  I am also going to start writing in a gratitude journal. 

 

I will let you know how I do with changing my mindset. 

 

Thanks for reminding me that we are healing and to be positive!

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O,

 

You're very welcome! We all have to support one another. I'll look forward to seeing your updates on changing the mindset. It can be very difficult so I wish you the best of luck!

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I cried today, but these tears were different. They were happy.

 

For months now my mother has been looking for a place to move because soon she is going to be kicked out (the owners want to sell the place). It's been hard, depressing, and stressful for both of us. For a long time we thought we wouldn't find her a place. Let me explain how slim this chance is. My mother is poor, disabled and unable to work, and barely makes enough money. I'm talking extremely hard to even eat cheap stuff kinda poor. She also has rescued animals which, even though they're not trained to be, are basically therapy to her. We've searched everywhere in town for her to live, and I mean EVERYWHERE. No luck. It was starting to look hopeless.

 

Today I've had a lot of anxiety issues. I haven't slept much in days, tapered my buspirone since Saturday (will update signature), and am alone the first time in months. I'm not having a lot of issues, but I was getting to a point where I felt I needed something.

 

So I turned to my faith. I spoke with God for awhile, asking Him for continued healing and telling Him I'm trying to stay strong. I said that I'd keep my eyes open in the world for any signs He'd send my way (generally I tell Him He'd have to smack me in the face with them). Shortly after my talk I got up and grabbed a small carrot to eat and try to get solid food in my stomach.

 

My phone rang. It was my mother.

 

A couple who she contacted about a place just contacted her and told her she has two places to choose from! She can afford it, it's closer to my grandmother, it's in the country, and they allow pets! I started crying happy tears for the first time in so long, many many years. That was my sign.

 

I'm going to be alright. No matter how hard this gets, I'm going to heal from this. God bless!

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Glad to hear of a moment of happiness! I also struggled with thoughts/feelings except mine were different to a degree, they are tough but you can do it and you will :) What games are you into anyhow? Huge gamer here as well, games helped distract me from my worst times.

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blackhill,

 

Thank you for your encouraging words! I play a couple of phone games when I'm not near my consoles. Currently playing The Last Guardian for a third time, trying to get everything. Excited still about the PS4, can't wait to get more games for it. I play a variety of games, ranging from things like Assassin's Creed to simple Mario platformers. One I'm better I'll get with some friends to try more Rayman and finally Diablo. Glad to hear someone else gets distractions with games as well! They help a lot.

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I had dry mouth/throat it seemed like forever, I always carried a water bottle with me because i would get so thirsty lol. What does the tightness feel like?

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The tightness kinda feels like my throat is closing or it's swollen or something. I'm getting plenty of air, so I'm thinking it's just the anxiety tightening the muscles up. It gets scary though at times.

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Yay for a positive day! Happy for you girl!

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Thank you, Waiting! I hope things are going better for you as well!

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Been doing pretty well for about a week. Not really many problems I couldn't overcome and had some good spikes in normality. Yesterday I did a lot and was even able to eat more than usual, but towards the end of the day I got a bad headache.

 

Just now, 7:30am, I awoke, flipped over, and started freaking out a bit because I couldn't remember how to breathe right. Do I breathe slow and deep? Slow and shallow? I couldn't remember. I wanted to fall back asleep but I felt my body wouldn't breathe automatically. Chest felt tight and it started hurting. Then I had an anxiety attack. Fought it off with the help of my sis but now I'm laying here realizing I'm still exhausted and my headache hasn't gone away. Don't think I can get back to sleep.

 

Ugh.

 

Exhaustion has been a constant companion in this fight, along with headaches. Thinking back on the days I never even knew what panic and anxiety felt like and wondering if I'll ever be able to not have it again. Anxiety is learned. While I can take measures to fight it off, will I ever be able to completely get rid of it? Living a life with anxiety is something that never crossed my mind until all this started.

 

I'll get through this. Even if I do have to live with it, I'm not the first. If they can do it, so can I.

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I think I'm getting sick while going through this (weather has been back and forth between warm and cold recently) so uh...anyone have any recommendations while going through this, since meds are a big no no? Had ginger tea tonight along with salmon and spaghetti squash so I've been eating well and drinking Boost to help with nutrition. Unless buspirone can cause a lot of coughing, insomnia, headaches, and fatigue, I'm getting sick (though it's not doubtful that it could cause all that).

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Vitamin c is supposed to help fight off sickness ( the flu and such ) but i'm not sure how sensitive you are to things while withdrawing. I couldn't touch most vitamins for a while because i kept reacting to them, it's something to keep in mind anyway.

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Thanks, blackhill. If it starts to get worse I'll give it a go. I don't seem to be too sensitive but I'll see if my body can fight it off first.

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Living a life with anxiety is something that never crossed my mind until all this started.

These drugs can induce anxiety. It pays to find ways of coping drug - free. Once you can do this you can possibly move on indefinitely.

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Ali 

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Thanks, Ali. I'm doing my best to fight off everything but sometimes it's just really difficult. I definitely don't want to take anymore drugs if any kind if I can help it.

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Very sick on top of withdrawal symptoms and didn't sleep well at all. Headache, sinuses all hurt so my face hurts from it, can't breathe out of my nose well, coughing, very angry throat, jaws and teeth hurt at times. My muscles are sore as well but that may be from gardening and doing things the last few days. Sometimes I start drifting into a dark place but I drag myself out. This is very difficult. Had a tornado warning here as well, friend's house had a tree fall in it so he has to move and I'm sure I can't help him. Everyone is alright though.

 

I'm starting to think I'm burdening my sister. I know she cares and that she's doing all she can to support me, but I'll have to rely on myself more often, sick or not. I told her today not to get sick because it's awful. She replied that she doesn't have the luxury to get sick because of all her responsibilities. I know she didn't mean anything by it but it really hurt me. Told her being sick isn't a luxury. It's not like I asked for any of this and why would anyone? It's miserable. She did apologize later but I'm still rather hurt by it...

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I'm sorry you're sick on top of this. I hope it doesn't last too long. Remember to stay hydrated and rest.

 

It's hard when others don't understand. My mom lets me stay over if I don't talk about my symptoms. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't and I break down anyways. I tell her she doesn't understand the seriousness of this. But how could anyone without being in it. I never knew this type of suffering was even possible. But try to not take things personally and just remember you are feeling sensitive right now and I'm sure normally that comment wouldn't bother you. I too worry about being a burden so I have been trying to spread out my support upon different people so that I'm not burning out one person. It's so hard when it's bad, I know.

 

I hope you are feeling better soon.

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Thank you, Waiting. Sometimes it's hard staying positive but I'm doing what I can. I've also spread out my support, but sis can be difficult sometimes. She's never dealt with any sickness, not even the flu. And I don't blame her but this us very hard on me, on anyone going through all this.

 

I'm sorry that your mom is like that but you're right, people can't understand it unless they've gone through it. Thank you for your kind words. It's awful people have to go through this, but it's also nice to have those that understand. I hope things are going better for you as well!

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Dez -

 

I wanted to check on you and see how you are feeling. 

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Thank you,O! That's very sweet of you.

 

It's been rough. I'm just now getting over my bad cold, but the weather is getting getting to freezing again. It can't seem to make up it's mind, is it spring or winter? But the majority of my symptoms, both from the cold and from withdrawal, have lessened. I still very depressed, like yesterday, and derealization is always with me just differs in intensity. I've also been struggling with sleep lately.

 

But I've had good days, too! A few days ago I had such a good window and recently I've gone back to drawing! I even slept for almost 9 hours at some point! During bad times it's hard to imagine I'll ever stay in a window or get better, but I'm hanging on!

 

I hope you're doing alright? Is everything going well with you? Are you getting enough sleep?

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Dez -

 

Sorry it has been rough.  I am glad that you are started to get over your cold.  Having the majority of your symptoms decrease is a great thing.  Does your depression feel the same everyday?  What exactly is derealization?  Are you able to get some sleep or do you just lay in bed awake?

 

I am glad to hear that you were able to draw again.  I am sure that brought you enjoyment.  Wow 9 hours of sleep.  That is amazing.  I wonder if some of that was because of how bad you felt with your cold. 

 

Today marks 17 months off of Prozac for me.  Hard to believe.  I should be celebrating but I still focus on how I am feeling.  I have symptoms that have improved, which is a good thing.  Physically the worse symptom for me is the smell hallucinations.  I have seen no improvement.  I have also started to feel nauseous again.  I am still dealing with hot flashes and night sweats, which really interfere with my sleep.  Psychologically I am struggling with crying, sadness, anxiety, ruminating, panic attacks, and fear. 

 

I noticed in your signature you use aromatherapy.  Have you noticed any benefits using it?

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Aromatherapy seems to work pretty well for me so far. It relaxes me a bit. I use it at night to try to help me sleep but you can use it multiple times a day. Plus it smells nice!

 

Lately, for the last few days, my depression has felt close to the same. It'll be okay when I first wake up, then drop throughout the day, getting wise at night. I seem to have crying spells at that time. As for derealization, it's basically like living in a dream state. I think people call it brain fog but it doesn't do it justice for me. Nothing around me seems real or like it's really happening. I just move through life best I can. I'm able to get some sleep but I wake up frequently. And sometimes I have bad dreams. Last night I had a bad one. It's difficult but I'm doing what I can to move through. I want to beat this thing.

 

Congratulations on coming off Prozac and being off so long. I know it's difficult but keep going. You'll be better before you know it. Try doing positive thought exercises. It sounds weird but try finding things you're grateful for each day. It may help some.

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So I wanted to post this because it's strange to me and I'd feel better posting it here.

 

Lately I've been having depressing thoughts or at least feeling depressed. I've also been rather confused lately, as sometimes it seems like I'll forget what someone said earlier or realize that I said something earlier and not remember it. I've also had the feeling of my heart beating, but I'm not sure if I'm just more aware or what. But what's really bothering me are my symptoms tonight. It hasn't been a bad day, but I wouldn't say quite a window. I went out to a new place, met a new person, even dealt with talking politics with a friend which was very stressful, but I made it. But tonight I feel extremely exhausted and have DR really bad, like to the point I feel like I'll pass out. I'm shivering but can't figure out if I'm cold, have a weird pressure in my head with a headache, and have chest pain (went to the ER a couple months ago and it's not my heart, they say due to anxiety but still worries me!). Honestly I feel sick, like in my head not the stomach. I keep telling myself it's withdrawal symptoms, that it'll go away eventually, that a window will come. But honestly, I'm scared. My doubts come at me badly at times and I fight hard, I promise I do. I'm so tired and scared. I hope this goes away one day. Just needed to get this out.

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Hi Dez

 

So sorry you are struggling with symptoms.

 

I think it is WD related. Do you think you may have done too much today? You mentioned having a discussion with a friend which was stressful - maybe this set things off.Sometimes I find if I do too much it is too stimulating to my nervous system and I suffer like you are.

 

 

 

Don't be scared. Although this is very hard it will pass and you will feel better.

 

 

Flowers xxx

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