Frazzledbrain: Amitriptyline fried me

[Frazzledbrain]

Hello. I'm a 29 year old male. I took 12.5 mg of amitriptyline for six weeks last August for insomnia before having a serious bad reaction to it. I spent the next three months getting it out my system and felt seriously poisoned and generally comatose. I have chronic fatigue syndrome and I was housebound with it but the amitriptyline has left me almost completely bedridden. I feel I've been through the acute stage of withdrawal but the post acute stage seems to be 100 times worse. I've been hit with crushing depression and feel like I cant bear to live another day and just a general feeling of going insane. I've never even expirienced any kind of depression before just insomnia and anxiety.

I've lost all my vitality and interest in everything and feel there is no point in being alive but its not me and doesn't feel like an emotion it feels like permanent brain damage. I've been getting slowly weaker since I took the drug and can't even get any kind of panic reaction anymore. It feels like the spark plug in my brain has died and it's absolute hell. My diet has been excellent, eating lots of avocados, walnuts and vegetables and I'm taking all kinds of supplements but nothing is working. I feel like my brain is dying and I'm losing the ability to read and process information and my motivation is completely gone. I can barely eat and lost alot of weight. I'm somehow managing to survive on complete instinct and fighting the urge to kill myself all day.

The psychological symptoms started about 2 months ago and started as anhedonia which then progressed into this feeling of complete doom which has got stronger and stronger and now feel completely suicidal. I can't believe what has happened to me. I can't take any other med as I have severe chemical sensitivity and and it will finish me off for sure. Any advice would be much appreciated. I don't want to die really I just want this feeling in my head to go away and just hanging in there praying it goes.

Edited February 11, 2017 by ChessieCat
added drug tags

[AliG]

Hello Frazzled,

 

I'm sorry that you've had this experience with a drug prescribed for insomnia. You seem to have a high sensitivity and therefore should maybe avoid further psych medications.  It is a tricyclic antidepressant and I'm not sure why you were prescribed amitryptyline for insomnia.
 
Anhedonia is a fairly common withdrawal symptom, however having said that it's not such an easy one to live with . It does improve in time.

 

There is a discussion on the topic here : http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2873-anhedonia-apathy-demotivation-emotional-numbness/
 
Suicidal ideation can also be a symptom of withdrawal. If you are really struggling - there are helplines that can assist.

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/7619-for-those-who-are-feeling-desperate-or-suicidal/
 
- In the UK, Maytree is an organisation offering respite for people who are suicidal. It is not a hospital or medical facility so they would not be offering drugs. It is free of charge.  There are criteria to meet but I don't know what they are at present. 

http://www.maytree.org.uk/index.p
 
Often in withdrawal , it can just be a passing thought but if it goes beyond that then it would be helpful to get face to face help.  As you said, it can often be more a case of just wanting the symptoms to end. It is up to you to assess your thinking and look for assistance if you feel that you need it.
 
It would be helpful if you could add your drug history . It helps us to see your situation at a glance and appears below each of your posts.

Please put your withdrawal history in your signature

 
These links might also help you to understand what is perhaps happening to your body and brain :

Brain Remodelling

What is withdrawal syndrome?
 
The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms
 
Dr. Joseph Glenmullen's withdrawal symptom checklist
 
We often find magnesium and omega 3 fish oil to be helpful in withdrawal:

King of supplements: Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil)

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker

 

This is your thread to ask questions and journal your progress. This is a lot of information here. After you have read and sorted through it please come back with any queries you might have.

Welcome to S.A.

Ali 

[mammaP]

Hi Frazzled, welcome from me too. I am so sorry that you are going through this nightmare and can relate to how you are feeling. I have had serious reactions to psych drugs and it is torture. In my case doctors said it was my illness that returned and was deemed 'treatment resistent' after other drugs were experimented with. 

 

As Ali said it would help to have your drug history. Are you taking anything else, even supplements? It is common for doctors to quickly replece a dug with another in an attempt to 'stabilise' people and make things worse instead of better. 

 

You will get better from this, your brain and nervous system have taken a battering and are trying to heal, it takes time and patience. The suicidal thoughts are a part of it and are not you.  Some mornings I feel like I just want out and how nice it would be to just go to sleep and not wake up. I am nowhere near as bad as you and doing well but the thoughts still come sometimes. I let them come and let them go, not dwelling on them or fighting them. Sometimes I imagine that I am sweeping them away like fallen leaves. At the worst we have to get through each day the best way we can, day by day, hour by hour or even just the next 5 minutes, then the next and so on. Take good care of yourself, love yourself like you would a loved one and allow yourself to heal. Take a look at our symptoms and self care forums where you will find what has helped people.  Beware of supplements, many of us do well with fish oil and magnesium but many other supplements can have adverse effects on a sensitive nervous system.  I am glad you found us, we are in this together, some at the start of this journey, some near the end and many along the way. 

[Frazzledbrain]

Thanks for your reply Ali. I'll look through the information. I think I'm maybe taking too many supplements and I'm going to stop most of them today. I've been taking 5 htp, tyrosine, b12 methylcobalamin, ashwaghanda, omega 3,rhodiola, acetyl l carnetine, inositol and ubiquinol. Think I'm going to stop them apart from the omega 3 and I'll get some magnesium. I know my gut function is poor, I get no feelings of hunger at all and these supplements are maybe making my gut worse. I just can't see how this feeling will ever end, I feel like a completely different person and have lost every part of my old self. Anhedonia is putting it lightly, I feel like my whole soul has been erased. I'm not even attracted to girls anymore. I think I need to talk to someone in person and get it off my chest will maybe help and some general support on here would be great. Thanks again.

[Frazzledbrain]

Thanks mamaP, I didn't see your message until after I posted my last message. I think I should definitely cut down on the supplements. I'm also worried it's going to turn me into a vegetable as I'm just getting weaker and weaker by the day and I'm already bedridden struggling to find the energy to survive. Feels like my nervous system is literally dying. Wish I could somehow get stabalised but getting worse by the day, just feel completely shut down. Thanks again.

[Frazzledbrain]

Also I can't figure out how to enter my drug history. I've entered when I signed up but says it's confidential on my profile and can't figure out how to alter it.

[Flowers]

Hi Frazzled

 

To fill in your signature click on your name on the top right hand corner of the screen by the sign out option.

 

Then click on 'my settings' and you will find 'signature' to click on on the the left hand menu.

 

Hope this helps.

 

 

Best Wishes Flowers xxx

[Frazzledbrain]

Thanks Flowers.

[Frazzledbrain]

Does anyone know exactly what amitriptyline does to the brain, what receptors it effects and what chemicals I'll be lacking in?

[Frazzledbrain]

Feeling like im really shutting down now. Feelijg like I'm really withdrawing into myself. Is this normal in post acute withdrawal.

[Flowers]

Hello Frazzled

 

You mentioned you were going to stop your supplements. Did you stop any of them? Maybe if so it has made you feel worse?

 

xxxx Flowers

[Frazzledbrain]

Don't know. Stopped them yesterday and and just took them again. Just feel like im generally going batshit crazy, don't know how much longer I can hang in for. It's been unbareable mentally for the last 10 days, don't know how I'm acting normal in front of my family. Can't believe what this drug has done to me. It seems to get a little better in the evening and going mental all day.

[Frazzledbrain]

I ordered some Choline the other day after reading about it helping the neurotransmitter acetylcholine and helping with nerve transmission. It arrived today and just took a dose. Anyone have any knowledge about it and know if it would be helpful. I had a nap I seemed to be feeling a bit better this evening. Sorry for my negativity earlier. Thanks.

[Flowers]

Can't help you with that I am afraid but glad you got some rest.

 

On some days I feel better as the day goes on too.

 

Flowers xxx

[Frazzledbrain]

Thanks Flowers, hope you're well.

[Flowers]

Hi again!

 

I am suffering too at the moment so know how bad it gets sometimes!

 

But it is good that we have this site to post on where there are people who understand and support each other.

 

Hope you find your answers.

 

Flowers xxx

[Cipramillion]

Does anyone know exactly what amitriptyline does to the brain, what receptors it effects and what chemicals I'll be lacking in?

 

It works by reducing the reuptake of serotonin and noradrenalin in the synapse. Its a tricyclic antidepressant. Chronic fatigue and antidepressants drugs often dont get along well. Im in the same boat as you after a severe reaction to an SSRI. I also had symptoms of chronic fatigue and a sensitive nervous system. Many of us are trapped between symptoms of withdrawal and bad reaction to the drug itself.

 

You will find a lot of good support here.

[scallywag]

If you are going to stop taking supplements you'd be wise to stop them one at a time. That way if you have a problem you'll know that the supplement was helping and you could restart it.  Stopping all at once could be a shock similar to going cold-turkey of medication.

[Frazzledbrain]

Thanks for your replies Cipramillion and Scallywag . I will have to just try to hang in there.

[Frazzledbrain]

I can feel my brain and body shutting down this morning.

[Frazzledbrain]

Sorry again for that negative post, just seem to be getting worse by the day at the moment. I seem to scare myself first thing in the morning as it seems to be at its worst then. Does anyone know how long it takes for the post acute period to peak? I've been feeling completely suicidal for about 2 weeks now and severely depressed for two months.

[Freedom15]

Hi Frazzlebrain try to hold in there i know its tuff vary tuff and at times will seem like its never going to end.

 

I have been tapering for over 2 years now the same drug you was on.

 

The symptons of both the drug and the withdrawal have been horrific.

 

At first i was pacing the street and wanting to trhough myself of motor way bridges it was just so bad.

 

I had to reinstae as i was only 2 weeks off meds but that was enough.

 

I have had many horrible symptoms withthte withdrawal and at times feel like i am totally lost

 

Your body takes time to heal and its not a quick process.

 

Trying to stay positive and active has really helped me and i ended up going a drugs and alchol drop in just to be around people in end.

 

I realy hope you get some carm soon

[Frazzledbrain]

Thanks Freedom 15. I'm still hanging in somehow

[KarenB]

If you need immediate help, please call your local hot-line:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/7619-for-those-who-are-feeling-desperate-or-suicidal/

 

I'm glad you are hanging in there, because things do improve.  I'm trying to think back to when my w/d was at it's worst, and I was in an extremely depressed state (with thoughts of 'wanting to be nothing').  Obviously time is a major factor. 

 

Other things I did that I think were helpful:

*  Ringing a close friend so I wouldn't be alone.  That would help me get out of any 'stuck' thoughts about things not getting better. 

*  Eating well

*  Writing down all my feelings/thoughts

*  Having hot baths with epsom salts

*  Trying to put at least one nice thing into each day - maybe a movie, or a short walk.

*  Restorative yoga poses (legs up the wall, child's pose).

* Looking at the moon at night (I found this so calming).

*  Posting on other people's threads here on SA (before i was a mod; it just pulled me out of my own head-space a bit). 

 

Are you taking fish oil and magnesium?  They seem to provide a solid grounding for people in w/d. 

[Frazzledbrain]

Thanks for your message Karenb, still hanging in but seem to be getting worse. Feeling like im losing my survival instinct and it's horrific, just fighting through it with guts pushing myself to do things.

[Petunia]

Hi Frazzled,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I just read through your thread.

 

I've been where you are and doubt anyone could imagine how difficult some of these drug withdrawal states can be unless they had experienced them personally. When I read that you are losing your survival instinct, I remembered the moment when I realized that was happening to me. I had dragged myself out of bed, into the kitchen, knowing that I needed to eat something, but every fiber of my being was rejecting the whole idea of being alive. I didn't want to die, but there seemed to be nothing left inside that wanted to live either. My entire existence had become nothing but one excruciating day rolling into the next with a couple of hours of slight relief in the evening before I fell into an exhausted, broken disturbed few hours of sleep. 

 

Life itself had turned from something valuable and good into  the complete opposite and now felt like a cruel, disgusting trick being played on all of us. I realized that if I was going to make it, I would have to consciously decide, from moment to moment what I needed to do to stay alive because I no longer trusted my perceptions or natural instincts.

 

It took a while, but I eventually started to improve, and you will too, but you have to stay alive. That's all you have to do really, whatever it takes to keep yourself alive and you will recover. Maybe right now you think you don't want to be alive and can't imagine ever feeling better. That's what withdrawal can do to some people, it locks us firmly into the present awful moment and there's no good memories or hope of anything being any different in the future. I don't know why the withdrawal brain acts like this, but its not the truth. The future is better, the suffering ends, peace, happiness, contentment and all the good things come back and for many people, life is even better than it was before.

 

I wish there was something I could tell you to make you better faster, but its going to take as long as it takes. Do the best you can to take care of yourself as you recover. Each day you get through is a victory and brings you one day closer to having your life back. Sometimes each minute you get through is a victory, and they all add up and become your path of healing.

 

You are not alone, even though you may feel more isolated than you have ever felt in your life, there are many of us who have gone through what you are going through and others who are going through the worst of it right now, unable to even turn on a computer or look at a screen or write on a site like this. For months, all I could do was read threads about what others were going through, their symptoms and what they did to survive.

 

Supplements can often make symptoms worse, I tried all kinds of things, hoping to get some relief. But more often than not, I ended up feeling worse. The only supplements which helped me were magnesium and taurine. I also took a lot of vitamin C, I'm not sure if it helped but it didn't hurt.

 

I hope you start to feel better soon, keep posting here if it helps.

 

Petunia.

[Frazzledbrain]

Thanks Petunia. You give me hope.

[Cipramillion]

Very well spoken, Petunia. Spot on! You will get there Frazzledbrain. Like Petunia says, the job is to stay alive right now. The fog will lift with time.

 

Wish you good luck!

[Frazzledbrain]

Thanks for your kind words. I'm starting to believe now though that this is not withdrawal and it is indeed neurotoxicity. I had felt deathly poisoned for 4 months and now the poisoned feeling has lifted I feel like a completely different person with suicidal depression and now feel like im losing my survival instinct. Feel as if my body has moved the amitriptyline I couldn't metabolise into my nervous system as a last resort to save my other organs. I have all the symptoms of withdrawal and neurotoxicity. I seem to be more active physically but worse in my head but it's guts that's making me move. I don't know what to think. I pray it is withdrawal but my instinct is telling me it's neurotoxicity. Still hanging in but feel as if I'm starting to lose control of the situation. I keep saying to myself as long as I can eat and sleep I might have half a chance.

[Petunia]

I replied to your PM frazzledbrain, but just want to say here, even if it is an adverse reaction that you've had, rather than withdrawal, the symptoms, recovery process and length of recovery are similar.

 

Getting through this acute stage of recovery will most likely be the hardest thing you ever do. But you have more than half a chance, you will get better if you stay alive.

[nicolantana]

Hi guys,

 

drawing strength and hope from this thread.

 

Frazzled brain- I'm going through a very similar situation I feel.

 

Mis diagnosed and given a heavy duty mix. Gone from vibrant, athletic, ambitious soul to nothing.

 

No emotions, thoughts, memories, hopes....

 

but there is hope...this was me on medication.....since withdrwal.....I've had maybe 5 days in the past 60 where I felt like a human.

 

But is the rarest and cruelest form of hell. I'm two and a half weeks with no spark. in zombie mode. But I guess there is hope.

[Frazzledbrain]

I don't know what's going to happen to me. I feel like a completely different person and got this constant urge to kill myself and feeling like hanging on to reality by the skin of my teeth with barely enough energy to survive and only getting worse. Just looking to hear something positive, barely hanging on to sanity

[scallywag]

You went through 2 dramatic discontinuations in the last six months - mirtazapine and amitriptyline. Those symptoms "SI" and DP/DR are very common in withdrawal. Other people have had them and got through them. You will too.

[Frazzledbrain]

What is "SI"?

[Frazzledbrain]

Oh I see, suicidal ideation. Feels far worse than just suicidal thoughts, feels as though the actual survival instinct is dying. Anybody else ever felt as though their survival instinct was literally dying and more than just suicidal ideation and pulled through, feels so terminal when the survival instinct is going.

[Frazzledbrain]

Keep feeling like im going into a coma too.