DaveyPete

Losing hope

96 posts in this topic

Hi Mermaid,

 

I totally understand where you are coming from. We ended up meeting in a public place for lunch and to chat (more chat than eat), so that was good.

 

She cannot explain why, but she is absolutely, completely infatuated with the guy. Even though she admits that nothing happened - but she wanted it to - and this confirms his statements when I called him directly yesterday too (which started the roller coaster).

 

She is now saying that she is unable to give me a chance because she still not open to it - still full of infatuation for him and so on. And that she hates it. This is definitely progress, though her mind may completely shift at any time from this based on the withdrawal and AD etc.

 

I got the same vibe regarding everything - as if they didn't want to make the final decision or make a 'mistake'. So that they can look back on it and feel it wasn't them who made the decision, perhaps? Not sure. I am trying to imagine that it's some part of them deep down realising that it's not what they want to do but still feeling the compulsion due to the AD.

 

I guess we all have to decide if it is worth hanging on, and then go all out either way.

Share this post


Link to post

Hey guys I hope everyone is doing good. I've also had my feelings disappear for my boyfriend just a couple of months before we were supposed to get married. My situation is a little different cause I fell in love with him while on Lexapro and I quit cold turkey and about a month and a half later my feelings were completely gone. I loved this man with everything I had and more. Even The thought of losing him would have me sick to my stomach and I couldn't imagine a life without him. We had many conversations over how lucky we both were and I just remember feeling so blessed and praying HE would never leave me. It's been the strangest most painful 8 months of my life to feel nothing for him but I'm still holding on and not giving up. I felt the love for him for almost a year and I know it has to still be there somewhere. I hope everyone of you gets better and if you're the spouse of someone who's lost feelings I'm seriously so sorry. It's so hard for both sides I know.

Share this post


Link to post

Hi DaveyPete - and thanks for weighing in on this TeaBea,

 

I honestly would like to find answers to these questions too, from those who have experienced similarly. At this stage I am trying to not smother my wife (she already complained I am 'clingy' - I'm not but it is her perception), and be willing to listen when she wants to express herself in any way. I do remind her about how the withdrawal will make her feel as she is going through the motions of it, but it is up to her if she takes it on board or not - I don't force matters.

 

I got an unexpected hug this morning which had actual feeling, but after that she has been out of it the whole day due to withdrawals.

 

I would say that the intervals currently have varied lengths... at least a day or 2 between and then a glimpse for a few ours of someone wanting to be more chatty with me, or says something nice to me etc. But then after that retreats back into her shell. It's hard to estimate precisely.

 

It is definitely like being in purgatory or something like that. I remember when sometimes I would just glance at my wife and she would look round and say to me "why are you looking at me so strangely?" in a very annoyed fashion. I was looking at her with affection, and not a little sadness at the state of things. But she couldn't even recognise that.

Don't give up, Dawood! People can come back after years on that stuff. Your wife just needs some time perhaps.

Share this post


Link to post

Hi Mermaid,

 

I totally understand where you are coming from. We ended up meeting in a public place for lunch and to chat (more chat than eat), so that was good.

 

She cannot explain why, but she is absolutely, completely infatuated with the guy. Even though she admits that nothing happened - but she wanted it to - and this confirms his statements when I called him directly yesterday too (which started the roller coaster).

 

She is now saying that she is unable to give me a chance because she still not open to it - still full of infatuation for him and so on. And that she hates it. This is definitely progress, though her mind may completely shift at any time from this based on the withdrawal and AD etc.

 

I got the same vibe regarding everything - as if they didn't want to make the final decision or make a 'mistake'. So that they can look back on it and feel it wasn't them who made the decision, perhaps? Not sure. I am trying to imagine that it's some part of them deep down realising that it's not what they want to do but still feeling the compulsion due to the AD.

 

I guess we all have to decide if it is worth hanging on, and then go all out either way.

 

During the period of time my feelings vanished I also developed at VERY strong attraction to a few men, all strangers, one of them some guy I saw out at a club one night (I was like 22 and still went out to clubs, haha.) I never even spoke to this man but for MONTHS, maybe even longer like a year or two, I couldn't stop THINKING about him. About what if I were WITH HIM instead of my husband, who was then my boyfriend. It was obsessive. I now understand it was because it was NEW. As that Carpenter article so beautifully articulates, it's not that this other life they want is better, it's just new, and can elicit dopamine. Luckily for me I never cheated on my husband, but I was so WORRIED all the time I would. It was torture, because I still had my wits about me more than these SSRIs leave our loves with. I HATED it was happening, but couldn't CHANGE my feelings, or lack there of. It was awful. Rest assured this will not hold, especially if she's tapering. We all need so much patience. These forums are so helpful in that way. 

Share this post


Link to post

 

Hi DaveyPete - and thanks for weighing in on this TeaBea,

 

I honestly would like to find answers to these questions too, from those who have experienced similarly. At this stage I am trying to not smother my wife (she already complained I am 'clingy' - I'm not but it is her perception), and be willing to listen when she wants to express herself in any way. I do remind her about how the withdrawal will make her feel as she is going through the motions of it, but it is up to her if she takes it on board or not - I don't force matters.

 

I got an unexpected hug this morning which had actual feeling, but after that she has been out of it the whole day due to withdrawals.

 

I would say that the intervals currently have varied lengths... at least a day or 2 between and then a glimpse for a few ours of someone wanting to be more chatty with me, or says something nice to me etc. But then after that retreats back into her shell. It's hard to estimate precisely.

 

It is definitely like being in purgatory or something like that. I remember when sometimes I would just glance at my wife and she would look round and say to me "why are you looking at me so strangely?" in a very annoyed fashion. I was looking at her with affection, and not a little sadness at the state of things. But she couldn't even recognise that.

Don't give up, Dawood! People can come back after years on that stuff. Your wife just needs some time perhaps.

 

RachelE - thank you for your words! I was just thinking today about how long my husband has been on SSRIs (off and on since he was 15, so 20 years, and steadily the last 5). I was doubting his brain's ability to ever heal. Thank you for the words of hope. 

Share this post


Link to post

Hey guys I hope everyone is doing good. I've also had my feelings disappear for my boyfriend just a couple of months before we were supposed to get married. My situation is a little different cause I fell in love with him while on Lexapro and I quit cold turkey and about a month and a half later my feelings were completely gone. I loved this man with everything I had and more. Even The thought of losing him would have me sick to my stomach and I couldn't imagine a life without him. We had many conversations over how lucky we both were and I just remember feeling so blessed and praying HE would never leave me. It's been the strangest most painful 8 months of my life to feel nothing for him but I'm still holding on and not giving up. I felt the love for him for almost a year and I know it has to still be there somewhere. I hope everyone of you gets better and if you're the spouse of someone who's lost feelings I'm seriously so sorry. It's so hard for both sides I know.

Thank for this, sadandconfused. They say it happens on withdrawal too, so hang in there. I want you to know that it took a while after my birth control pills did the same thing to my feelings for my husband like 12 years ago . . . but they DID come back, and your awareness and the fact that you HATE that this is happening is huge. It was torture, just torture, to lose those feelings. Back then I didn't do a thing to help other than eventually get really great therapy for OCD, exposure therapy, that did not involve meds. I spent 1.5 years on Prozac and while they mitigated the obsessing about the lost feelings, they made me joyless as well. It took REAL work, not meds, to fix my brain. CBT essentially. If I had to do it again I would also do EVERYTHING I could to boost dopamine, so look into that. A few google searches will show you there are many things to try, such as diet, exercise, and supplements . . . You're in my prayers! 

Share this post


Link to post

During the period of time my feelings vanished I also developed at VERY strong attraction to a few men, all strangers, one of them some guy I saw out at a club one night (I was like 22 and still went out to clubs, haha.) I never even spoke to this man but for MONTHS, maybe even longer like a year or two, I couldn't stop THINKING about him. About what if I were WITH HIM instead of my husband, who was then my boyfriend. It was obsessive. I now understand it was because it was NEW. As that Carpenter article so beautifully articulates, it's not that this other life they want is better, it's just new, and can elicit dopamine. Luckily for me I never cheated on my husband, but I was so WORRIED all the time I would. It was torture, because I still had my wits about me more than these SSRIs leave our loves with. I HATED it was happening, but couldn't CHANGE my feelings, or lack there of. It was awful. Rest assured this will not hold, especially if she's tapering. We all need so much patience. These forums are so helpful in that way. 

 

 

Hi Mermaid - thank you so much for sharing your experience - it is extremely useful and encouraging for me!

 

We have had a number of long discussions since meeting yesterday. She has requested that whenever she asks me to, that I basically barrage her with all the reasons why her feelings are misplaced, why he is an awful man, that she could not have a future with him, that he mistreated her anyway etc. I am not sure if it will actually help, but have written a list so that she can remind herself. She remarked that she had printed it out and highlighted pertinent points, so maybe that is a start.

 

I guess we just have to keep going with the taper and through the withdrawals and see what comes of it. But even this ability to 'reason', is a huge change from before. She still becomes withdrawn and obsessed, but it seems different to before. She remarked that: "I feel sad, empty and let down right now. All I wanted was to be noticed, made to be felt special and valued." However, she had already closed herself off to me and me doing these things due to the emotional blunting, lack of reciprocation, and general 'don't care' factor from the ADs.

Share this post


Link to post

 

Hey guys I hope everyone is doing good. I've also had my feelings disappear for my boyfriend just a couple of months before we were supposed to get married. My situation is a little different cause I fell in love with him while on Lexapro and I quit cold turkey and about a month and a half later my feelings were completely gone. I loved this man with everything I had and more. Even The thought of losing him would have me sick to my stomach and I couldn't imagine a life without him. We had many conversations over how lucky we both were and I just remember feeling so blessed and praying HE would never leave me. It's been the strangest most painful 8 months of my life to feel nothing for him but I'm still holding on and not giving up. I felt the love for him for almost a year and I know it has to still be there somewhere. I hope everyone of you gets better and if you're the spouse of someone who's lost feelings I'm seriously so sorry. It's so hard for both sides I know.

Thank for this, sadandconfused. They say it happens on withdrawal too, so hang in there. I want you to know that it took a while after my birth control pills did the same thing to my feelings for my husband like 12 years ago . . . but they DID come back, and your awareness and the fact that you HATE that this is happening is huge. It was torture, just torture, to lose those feelings. Back then I didn't do a thing to help other than eventually get really great therapy for OCD, exposure therapy, that did not involve meds. I spent 1.5 years on Prozac and while they mitigated the obsessing about the lost feelings, they made me joyless as well. It took REAL work, not meds, to fix my brain. CBT essentially. If I had to do it again I would also do EVERYTHING I could to boost dopamine, so look into that. A few google searches will show you there are many things to try, such as diet, exercise, and supplements . . . You're in my prayers!

Thank you so much for that! I know everyone is different but about how long did your feelings take to come back? The thing I hate is that I feel like I can still somewhat enjoy spending time with my family, hanging out with friends and all that but nothing for my boyfriend. Did this happen to you as well? It's just crazy cause it's so different from where we were at the beginning. We loved each other so much and now some days I can barely even stand to be around him and I know that can't be how I really feel :( and I will definitely start trying to eat better and exercise so maybe that will speed up the healing process. What kind of diet helped you? Sorry for all the questions. Thank you so much!

Share this post


Link to post

Hi sadandconfused - I just wanted to reiterate that your situation seems exactly like my wife's regarding how she feels/is with me. However, her ability to at least tolerate me has gotten better as she has withdrawn from the medication, instead of the other way around as in your case.

 

But when she does go back to be unfeeling and numb towards me (and derisive etc etc.) it is really awful.

 

She has recently come around and realised that this is not how she *wants* to feel, or *wants* to treat me - which is a massive change.

 

How this will play out remains to be seen...

 

I think each day will bring you closer to a positive outcome, and the fact that you clearly don't *want* to be in this situation is a huge, huge positive. Please don't underestimate it. For 6 months I was dealing with someone who couldn't stand me and wanted me out of her life so she could be "free" (which in reality meant acting out her fantasies - pure imaginings - of an affair with another man).

Share this post


Link to post

Sadandcondused - It took a while for my feelings to return, but once I got off the crappy pill I noticed a difference, my mood wasn't in the shitter anymore. The main thing was I HATED not having the feelings, and I clung to that truth. I knew that much. At the time I knew nothing about dopamine, etc., so I didn't do a thing, though I exercised a lot anyways. Still, I might have tried a natural supplement at least . . . And I think exposure to my husband helped, like making myself be intimate with him could sort of trigger SOMETHING in the deep recesses of my brain, even if it was just holding hands. I hope this helps. When I say it took a while, in truth I don't think I felt "normal" again for 5 years, but it got better and better, and REALLY got better once I had therapy for the anxiety this all caused. I don't know how much you're THINKING about this problem, but I couldn't stop obsessing, and when I obsessed it just made it all feel so REAL. Hang in there. True love is worth fighting for. 

Share this post


Link to post

Dawood - I think you nailed it by saying there's such a big difference between them being completely convinced this is real, and not wanting to change anything, versus realizing they do not WANT to feel this way but still feeling this way. When my husband was on 10 mg of Lexapro he apparently struggled emotionally with me but still hoped it would go away . . . of course he said nothing, however, and things festered for him for years. Doubling the dose last year just totally pushed him over the edge, and those years on the lower dose are now serving as "proof" that his feelings are gone for valid reasons. Those reasons are the discord that was CAUSED by the lower dose effects on our marriage, plus him just knowing it's been a long time since he's had strong feelings for me. Though just months before he said his feelings flatlined we made another baby and bought a home in which he admits he could see us growing old in. I pray my husband can reach a point where he no longer WANTS to feel like this. Right now he thinks he's liberated, no more emotional baggage . . . I'm so happy that your wife is beginning to see the light. Not wanting to feel like this is a HUGE improvement from kicking you out of the home. The momentum for your family seems to be heading in the healthy, true direction in which is belongs. 

Share this post


Link to post

Hi guys, 

 

Glad to hear things are finally starting to look up for you Dawood! I'll just give a more detailed update to my situation:

 

I stupidly tried to push for a relationship talk last saturday, which made her visibly uncomfortable, which was when she suggested a 'pause'. A big part of the current problem is this - her friend said to her a few weeks ago that she wasn't herself. A few days before we had this chat, her friend told her she seemed 'completely back to normal'.I think this has filled her with a sense that she is fully recovered, and therefore her feelings just won't come back. She also said she doesn't think she wants the feelings to come back (but this could be just tied in with a lot of guilt).

 

I told her on the saturday that she wasn't fully back to herself, and this just resulted in her demanding evidence of her not being 'back'. I told her that we aren't in a position financially for either of us to move out. I said we should give it until the summer, and she said she 'couldn't keep this up until the summer'. I replied saying that our great 2 year relationship deserved more than a bloody month (which is half as long as her affair!) to see if the feelings would return.

 

We haven't spoken about this since, so I'm not really sure what her opinion is (if she considers us on a pause yet). I'm trying to give her space from me because I'm worried I might keep pushing her. After we had that 'chat', I decided I should go back home for the weekend and leave her to herself in the flat. A positive from this was she reached out to me first, texting me on the Sunday with one of our 'in jokes' and then checking up on me. I'm going away this weekend too, I'm hoping distance might kickstart any feeling for me.

 

She's also starting a job next week, so I'm hopeful stability from that will help (she was in and out of about 5 jobs last year which was actually a reason she started zoloft) I feel at the moment there's a level of resentment to me for making her leave yet another one because of the affair. This saturday will be 5 weeks off the meds (4 'out of her system'). She's definitely getting better (being more creative like she used to, being proactive with work and keeping busy, not being numb to everyone BUT me) but in regards to the relationship there is no improvement. I'm beginning to feel like captor.

Share this post


Link to post

Also worth noting that she did go CT on the pills, so that could be responsible for slowing recovery

Share this post


Link to post

OMG. DaveyPete. It was full 2 months of my ex off-pills when she moved to her new place. I wanted to give her more space to allow her rethink whole situation. But right now I'm thinking that this was not bad or good solution. When she was at our appt she sneaked out to met a new guy. In her new appt it was same. One day she told me that she want to spend all day cleaning up her new place. I visited her unexpectedly, just to bring her some food. Place was not cleaned but she hanged out with her new guy.

Share this post


Link to post

DaveyPete - just remember that people do not taper ONTO their meds the way they must taper OFF the meds, making it a much longer process to purge from one's system. As it is starting the meds takes up to 6-8 weeks for people to FEEL their effects, so tapering off will take a lot longer. I don't think 4 weeks is much time at all, and going CT is likely going to make it harder, more traumatic to her system. Hang in there. It's great she's getting off them . . . 

Share this post


Link to post

Hi sadandconfused - I just wanted to reiterate that your situation seems exactly like my wife's regarding how she feels/is with me. However, her ability to at least tolerate me has gotten better as she has withdrawn from the medication, instead of the other way around as in your case.

 

But when she does go back to be unfeeling and numb towards me (and derisive etc etc.) it is really awful.

 

She has recently come around and realised that this is not how she *wants* to feel, or *wants* to treat me - which is a massive change.

 

How this will play out remains to be seen...

 

I think each day will bring you closer to a positive outcome, and the fact that you clearly don't *want* to be in this situation is a huge, huge positive. Please don't underestimate it. For 6 months I was dealing with someone who couldn't stand me and wanted me out of her life so she could be "free" (which in reality meant acting out her fantasies - pure imaginings - of an affair with another man).

Dawood, I'm so glad that your wife is improving! Many of the things you guys are going through sounds so much like what me and my boyfriend are dealing with. There's some days where I feel can somewhat feel like things are improving and I'll feel very connected to him and then the next day it's like it's just gone again. And I of course blame these drugs for that. I think part of the reason is I'm trying so hard to force the feelings to come back and I know forcing it will not help anything and I'm finally realizing that. Oh my goodness, that's exactly how my bf has said it too. He knows exactly how I was and what I wanted before I cold turkeyed from lexapro. I couldn't wait to be his wife, to have kids, start a life and everything with him. And for the past 8 months I've just wanted to go out with my friends, had urges to drink, just completely opposite of what I am. So I know this is not the real me, it just feels like it at times. Thank you for your helpful words!

Share this post


Link to post

Sadandcondused - It took a while for my feelings to return, but once I got off the crappy pill I noticed a difference, my mood wasn't in the shitter anymore. The main thing was I HATED not having the feelings, and I clung to that truth. I knew that much. At the time I knew nothing about dopamine, etc., so I didn't do a thing, though I exercised a lot anyways. Still, I might have tried a natural supplement at least . . . And I think exposure to my husband helped, like making myself be intimate with him could sort of trigger SOMETHING in the deep recesses of my brain, even if it was just holding hands. I hope this helps. When I say it took a while, in truth I don't think I felt "normal" again for 5 years, but it got better and better, and REALLY got better once I had therapy for the anxiety this all caused. I don't know how much you're THINKING about this problem, but I couldn't stop obsessing, and when I obsessed it just made it all feel so REAL. Hang in there. True love is worth fighting for.

Thank you for that! I look back at old pictures all the time and I talk to my mom about it a lot and everyone reassures me how much I loved this man and how head over heels I was for him. I'm holding on and I'm definitely not giving up, cause like I said, 8 months ago if I would've lost him I don't know what I would've done. He's everything I wanted and more, I just cannot feel it right now and I know it's not our fault. I will definitely look into raising my dopamine! I didn't think about that but it makes sense, since that's the love chemical or something lol. And yes! Oh my gosh I literally think about it all the time, but I've been getting better about trying to stay busy and not think so much. I work full time, I've been trying to exercise more even if it's just a 20 minute walk a day, and reading and listening to music seems to help the depression a little. Even though we weren't married yet we moved in together about three months before I lost feelings and we've been login together almost a year. Although moving out would probably make things a little easier on myself, I can't bring myself to do it. I really don't wanna make any decisions that would risk losing him cause even though I can't feel anything, I still feel like the feelings are somewhere in here :(

Share this post


Link to post

Sadandconfused - try reading up on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and buy a book called The Happiness Trap . . . helpful for dealing with the obsessing this loss of feelings left me with. 

And yes, true, deep love like that is lucky to come into your life once in a lifetime . . . I know it's worth fighting for, and in our case, waiting for. Focus on how much you HATE that the feelings are gone. That feeling is true. 

Share this post


Link to post

Hi to both Mermaid and Sadandconfused - your discussion is really inspiring for me in so many ways.

 

ACT and The Happiness Trap are definitely something that I will look into for my own self, and recommend my wife to read too. I have the same author's The Confidence Gap, and plan on reading that as well; my self-confidence has taken a real hit through all of this.

 

I am now beginning to wonder if my wife is going through a cycle of sorts each few days/week, and am going to monitor it. She is currently taking one 50 mg pill of Pristiq, and then having 4 days without (as per the Dr's instructions on weaning off - against my advice to taper daily and more slowly). It will soon increase to 5, 6, then a week apart, and so on until she comes off it fully.

 

I have noticed that she is usually better for the first couple of days - still no feelings for me at all, but more communicative and open - before she starts getting bad symptoms from half way through day 3, and now to day 4. They range from the physical (fatigue, irritability etc.) to more internal (withdrawn, sadness etc.). However - it's sadness that she was not 'noticed' by the man, and cannot build the life she had dreamed with him etc. than anything else at this stage, as far as I can gleam from what she has said.

 

She has had days of 'neuro-emotions': first rage/anger, and then sadness. I have joked with her that I am looking forward for the 'love' day to come about, but there's definitely nothing there at all so far.  :(

 

Sadandconfused: It might be worth trying to "track" your days, and see if it is like a cycle of some sort? Being on the receiving end, I am getting the feeling that it is in my wife's case (even though she is oblivious to it). But she is not yet completely off the medication, so I am not sure if it is any different.

Share this post


Link to post

 Hi TeaBea, thank you for sharing this valuable insight. Would you mind if I post it in our Facebook group?

 

My 2 cents:  You're going to have to develop more patience than you ever thought possible of yourself.  I truly don't think that there's anything you CAN do to change anything about her feelings (or lack, thereof) OR to hasten things along, AND actively trying to do things can actually backfire on you.  Mirror back at her--only give back to her what she gives out in terms of affection, etc.  When they're still not themselves or ready to deal with you, whatever you do to try and help will just likely cause them more distress which they can't handle.  If they can't handle something, they will want to get away from it.  I think if it's going to work out, it will regardless of what you do or do not do to try and make it work out, but if you push them too hard, they'll just break and then you won't get the chance to see if it will happen or not.  Just my observations of my husband's moods over the last years.  

 

If you can act behind the scenes to keep her from further harming your relationship or reputation, then try it.  I had to do things like try to find ways to keep hubby off the computer when he was at his worst (drinking and not realizing he was drunk--a side-effect of the way Effexor affected his drinking) because he'd email inappropriately.  Or send  job queries while drunk.  Block certain sites, channels, hide the alcohol, hide his car keys, keep certain people away who were a bad influence, etc.  He eventually thanked me, but it took 2 years of withdrawing for that to happen.  At the time, "reasoning" with him didn't work (he's a highly educated man, and I couldn't believe how dumb he could be during his Effexor years); trying to get him to see "my side" about ANYTHING was useless.  

 

It's not been easy.  Hubby started withdrawal in the fall of 2013, and he's still doing it.  He's been below any therapeutic value for over a year now, but the drops cause irritability and ever-increasing anxiety (that he's always had and why he was prescribed this med in the first place).  He's currently in a hold at 9 tiny little beads inside his lowest-dose capsule.  His inappropriate behavior stopped after about the first 6 months of withdrawing, and the way he seemed to feel towards me was much better around that time, too.  We've sure had our moments of fighting--when he'd get irrationally irritable--it took me awhile to figure out it would happen about 1 week after a drop down in dose, so I could just keep my mouth closed and walk away and keep from causing more problems.  Sometimes I just existed alongside him.  It wasn't fun, but I know it wasn't fun for him either.  This was the "in sickness and in health" part of marriage.  However, if he'd been continuing his inappropriate behavior (or if that behavior had been much worse), I might not have been able to handle it as well (if at all).  I worry about the future because I have a lot of anger over these years and all my unanswered questions (which, judging by how well he's doing mentally, I might never get answered or resolved).  

 

Good luck to you!

Share this post


Link to post

Hi guys, 

 

Glad to hear things are finally starting to look up for you Dawood! I'll just give a more detailed update to my situation:

 

I stupidly tried to push for a relationship talk last saturday, which made her visibly uncomfortable, which was when she suggested a 'pause'. A big part of the current problem is this - her friend said to her a few weeks ago that she wasn't herself. A few days before we had this chat, her friend told her she seemed 'completely back to normal'.I think this has filled her with a sense that she is fully recovered, and therefore her feelings just won't come back. She also said she doesn't think she wants the feelings to come back (but this could be just tied in with a lot of guilt).

 

I told her on the saturday that she wasn't fully back to herself, and this just resulted in her demanding evidence of her not being 'back'. I told her that we aren't in a position financially for either of us to move out. I said we should give it until the summer, and she said she 'couldn't keep this up until the summer'. I replied saying that our great 2 year relationship deserved more than a bloody month (which is half as long as her affair!) to see if the feelings would return.

 

We haven't spoken about this since, so I'm not really sure what her opinion is (if she considers us on a pause yet). I'm trying to give her space from me because I'm worried I might keep pushing her. After we had that 'chat', I decided I should go back home for the weekend and leave her to herself in the flat. A positive from this was she reached out to me first, texting me on the Sunday with one of our 'in jokes' and then checking up on me. I'm going away this weekend too, I'm hoping distance might kickstart any feeling for me.

 

She's also starting a job next week, so I'm hopeful stability from that will help (she was in and out of about 5 jobs last year which was actually a reason she started zoloft) I feel at the moment there's a level of resentment to me for making her leave yet another one because of the affair. This saturday will be 5 weeks off the meds (4 'out of her system'). She's definitely getting better (being more creative like she used to, being proactive with work and keeping busy, not being numb to everyone BUT me) but in regards to the relationship there is no improvement. I'm beginning to feel like captor.

Hi DaveyPete. 5 weeks is still a short time... And the changes do take place but seem to be incremental. In my case, my wife's ability to discuss her feelings and situation with me has opened up in the last week - however there is still no feeling at all there for me. However, after a crazy Monday (when I called up the person she was having an affair with and she had a meltdown, saying she wanted to divorce me, sell the house etc.), she has not once raised that again, and has been opening up and talking with me to try and *help* her.

 

But this then goes full circle, and she is currently back to being distant and not wanting me anywhere near her.

 

These meds are such a mess - can't believe *anyone* prescribes them.

Share this post


Link to post

OMG. DaveyPete. It was full 2 months of my ex off-pills when she moved to her new place. I wanted to give her more space to allow her rethink whole situation. But right now I'm thinking that this was not bad or good solution. When she was at our appt she sneaked out to met a new guy. In her new appt it was same. One day she told me that she want to spend all day cleaning up her new place. I visited her unexpectedly, just to bring her some food. Place was not cleaned but she hanged out with her new guy.

Hi Konjo, that is why after I moved out for a month - and still spent way more time than "agreed" at the family home for our kids anyway - I jumped at the chance to return after she agreed with the marriage counsellor. I am hesitant to leave her alone through all this, as it may destroy my family. And also, even through all she has done and how she has (and is sometimes) treated me, I want to aid and support her as much as I can.

 

I am hoping that it is not too late.

Share this post


Link to post

Dawood, you're a good man. Seriously. We are all loving spouses, and I pray we all get the chance to be in loving marriages again soon. 

Share this post


Link to post

 

 Hi TeaBea, thank you for sharing this valuable insight. Would you mind if I post it in our Facebook group?

 

 

 

Sure, alchemist.  

 

What's the link to your FB group?  If one posts there, it's obviously under their real name FB account--can it be seen by ANYONE else (my "Friends") other than within the actual group? 

Share this post


Link to post

TeaBea: As farvas I know from my own posting there, it's a completely private group so unless your friends are also members, they will see nothing.

Share this post


Link to post

Hi to all - I think it is definitely cyclical through my wife's coming off of Pristiq.

 

Yesterday was Day 4 of no AD and besides her being more distant, I thought we'd gotten through it unscathed. I was wrong - by the evening she was back to saying very hurtful things and basically being terrible to me and the kids.

 

She told me that I was useless, she didn't know why the kids loved me so, and that she'd be happy to sell the house ASAP. That was after her staring that the only person causing me pain is *me* - by sticking around. Etc.

 

I think it was because I refused to bath the kids, as I was already drying/changing them, giving them milk etc. and then taking them to bed... me and our 2 kids ended up staying in the bedroom and I read my kindle until I fell asleep.

 

This morning she took the AD, but has still been awful thus far.

 

Don't know how much longer I can keep going if this is what happens every few days. :-(

Share this post


Link to post

Hi Dawood. I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse you're suffering. I'm sure your wife would/will be horrified if she was in her right mind. It's great that you're mindful enough to track these things. Everything Ann Tracy has shared on FB talks about how HARD it is to get off these meds . . . months, at the very least. Months. Focus on the other days, the MAJORITY of the days, not these terrible days. 

 

I have decided that during Lent (I'm Catholic) that I am going to refrain from initiating conversations about "us" with my husband, and will hold off on any efforts to communicate with his doctor, parents, or friends. I'm going Let Go and Let God, which is a message I've been receiving throughout my life in many ways recently. I like that I can share this with this group . . . We'll see how it goes. 

Share this post


Link to post

A question to anyone who has gotten their spouse to taper: How did that come about? 

Dawood - I know you said your wife is tapering to prove you wrong. Did a counselor encourage her as well? It is killing me that in-laws, with whom I am very close, are not to my knowledge encouraging anything like that for my husband. They live in fear of him destabilizing above all else and are keeping quiet even though he lives with them now. Around the corner. Very painful for me. But his depression has nearly claimed his life many times, and to change his meds right now when he's seemingly so NOT depressed isn't a viable option as far as his family is concerned. But this is crazy because leaving your wife isn't exactly the most STABLE decision one can make, especially with a newborn in the house. I'm just wondering how folks have gotten loved ones to at least TRY to get off the meds . . . Any insight will help. As I just posted, I am leaving everything in God's hands, esp. right now, but I'm hurting so badly.

Share this post


Link to post

A question to anyone who has gotten their spouse to taper: How did that come about? 

Dawood - I know you said your wife is tapering to prove you wrong. Did a counselor encourage her as well? It is killing me that in-laws, with whom I am very close, are not to my knowledge encouraging anything like that for my husband. They live in fear of him destabilizing above all else and are keeping quiet even though he lives with them now. Around the corner. Very painful for me. But his depression has nearly claimed his life many times, and to change his meds right now when he's seemingly so NOT depressed isn't a viable option as far as his family is concerned. But this is crazy because leaving your wife isn't exactly the most STABLE decision one can make, especially with a newborn in the house. I'm just wondering how folks have gotten loved ones to at least TRY to get off the meds . . . Any insight will help. As I just posted, I am leaving everything in God's hands, esp. right now, but I'm hurting so badly.

 

 

Mermaid, I printed out all possible physical side-effect of Lexapro. Ex didn't want to hear a word about psychical side effects - I didn't include it.

 

It was a long list containing easy bruising, constipation, joint pain etc. At the end it was more serious physical side effects like tremor or hearth failure. I tried to find every symptom she had and put it on the list first.

 

I guess that AD induced hypomania and AD in general are making people very self-centered. But physical health is part of self and they easily can be scared..... In my case it worked. But after Lexapro she never went back to her true self.

Share this post


Link to post

Thanks, Konjo. The problem with my husband is that he likely NEEDS some medical assistance to not succumb to catatonic depression. Pointing out the side effects of the Lexapro will backfire if he then argues he has to take SOME med, it might as well be Lexapro, which right now is making him feel so good (hypomanic.) But I've read from others that WRITING info is much better than telling them info. Did she taper, or quit cold turkey? Thanks again!

Share this post


Link to post

Hi to both Mermaid and Sadandconfused - your discussion is really inspiring for me in so many ways.

 

ACT and The Happiness Trap are definitely something that I will look into for my own self, and recommend my wife to read too. I have the same author's The Confidence Gap, and plan on reading that as well; my self-confidence has taken a real hit through all of this.

 

I am now beginning to wonder if my wife is going through a cycle of sorts each few days/week, and am going to monitor it. She is currently taking one 50 mg pill of Pristiq, and then having 4 days without (as per the Dr's instructions on weaning off - against my advice to taper daily and more slowly). It will soon increase to 5, 6, then a week apart, and so on until she comes off it fully.

 

I have noticed that she is usually better for the first couple of days - still no feelings for me at all, but more communicative and open - before she starts getting bad symptoms from half way through day 3, and now to day 4. They range from the physical (fatigue, irritability etc.) to more internal (withdrawn, sadness etc.). However - it's sadness that she was not 'noticed' by the man, and cannot build the life she had dreamed with him etc. than anything else at this stage, as far as I can gleam from what she has said.

 

She has had days of 'neuro-emotions': first rage/anger, and then sadness. I have joked with her that I am looking forward for the 'love' day to come about, but there's definitely nothing there at all so far. :(

 

Sadandconfused: It might be worth trying to "track" your days, and see if it is like a cycle of some sort? Being on the receiving end, I am getting the feeling that it is in my wife's case (even though she is oblivious to it). But she is not yet completely off the medication, so I am not sure if it is any different.

Dawood,

Thank you! Everyone on here has definitely given me hope and made me believe that the feelings will come back even though it will take time. And yes most definitely I do think that there are some days that'll be better than others while some may be a living hell. I'm 8 months into my cold turkey and some days I'll wake up feeling somewhat attachment to my boyfriend and actually slightly look forward to seeing him(although it's not even close to how I once felt about him). And a couple days later I can wake up just miserable and sick feeling, and honestly not even wanna be around him whatsoever. I've had many conversations with him about this and have tried to assure him that this is not his fault and nothing to do with him and it's all medication related, but he still has a very hard time with it :( I feel like such a monster. I'm praying so hard that everyone on here and myself will return to normal. I cannot feel anything at the moment for my boyfriend, but again I blame it on these awful drugs. Ugh. It's awful. But yes I've noticed some days my anxiety and anger is really high, like I'm so mad that I could probably fight someone and that's not like me at all lol. And the sadness can be overwhelming at times. I've got better control over my crying now, but at first it was so bad. I couldn't even talk to my boyfriend without being in tears cause I just felt like I did not love him. Omg it was seriously so bad the first week I lost feelings. I felt like I was in a nightmare. Literally two weeks before, we were looking at wedding rings and I remember feeling so so happy. I'd never felt that kind of happiness before. Life was better than my dreams! Then two weeks later, I woke up and everything was different. It was like the life id been living for the past 9 months was a lie. I couldn't eat for days, I felt suicidal, I had no idea what was going on with me, and I couldn't even face my bf cause he had no idea what was going on. I'm not sure exactly when it hit me that it was from quitting cold turkey. I was researching how can someone fall out of love overnight, lost feelings, etc. I wanted answers to my sudden change of mind. I came across an article that said ssris and blunted emotions. I was pissed and sorta relieved at the same time. And I came across an article that you'll have the same effects if you quit cold turkey. At least I had an answer but it hasn't really helped my situation :( it's just helped me stay with him. I'm not going anywhere of course, but I'm so ready for some relief.

Sorry that was so long! Thank you guys for letting me rant!

Share this post


Link to post
Dawood,
Thank you! Everyone on here has definitely given me hope and made me believe that the feelings will come back even though it will take time. And yes most definitely I do think that there are some days that'll be better than others while some may be a living hell. I'm 8 months into my cold turkey and some days I'll wake up feeling somewhat attachment to my boyfriend and actually slightly look forward to seeing him(although it's not even close to how I once felt about him). And a couple days later I can wake up just miserable and sick feeling, and honestly not even wanna be around him whatsoever. I've had many conversations with him about this and have tried to assure him that this is not his fault and nothing to do with him and it's all medication related, but he still has a very hard time with it :( I feel like such a monster. I'm praying so hard that everyone on here and myself will return to normal. I cannot feel anything at the moment for my boyfriend, but again I blame it on these awful drugs. Ugh. It's awful. But yes I've noticed some days my anxiety and anger is really high, like I'm so mad that I could probably fight someone and that's not like me at all lol. And the sadness can be overwhelming at times. I've got better control over my crying now, but at first it was so bad. I couldn't even talk to my boyfriend without being in tears cause I just felt like I did not love him. Omg it was seriously so bad the first week I lost feelings. I felt like I was in a nightmare. Literally two weeks before, we were looking at wedding rings and I remember feeling so so happy. I'd never felt that kind of happiness before. Life was better than my dreams! Then two weeks later, I woke up and everything was different. It was like the life id been living for the past 9 months was a lie. I couldn't eat for days, I felt suicidal, I had no idea what was going on with me, and I couldn't even face my bf cause he had no idea what was going on. I'm not sure exactly when it hit me that it was from quitting cold turkey. I was researching how can someone fall out of love overnight, lost feelings, etc. I wanted answers to my sudden change of mind. I came across an article that said ssris and blunted emotions. I was pissed and sorta relieved at the same time. And I came across an article that you'll have the same effects if you quit cold turkey. At least I had an answer but it hasn't really helped my situation :( it's just helped me stay with him. I'm not going anywhere of course, but I'm so ready for some relief.

Sorry that was so long! Thank you guys for letting me rant!

 

Sadandconfused: Yes, I think trying to monitor would be a great way to observe for yourself. And that way if there is perhaps a pattern of sorts, it will help you to "hold on" until your feelings return more.

 

My wife had another big blow out on the 4th day again. Well, this time it was the 4th day evening, into 5th day morning (after she took the AD). I am hoping that the space between them may continue to increase over time now.

 

I am definitely starting to think that it may be a cycle of some sort, and am scared now that when she is no longer taking any AD that this will be her state for a while... don't know if I and our kids will be able to survive it, to be honest.  :(

 

After the above post when things were bad but tolerable, she completely exploded on me! I didn't help matters, but her reaction was way over the top. Our eldest son (3 1/2) had an accident - he was racing his younger brother from front to back door and banged through the screen door (came off its roller) and fell down 3 steps to the concrete outside. He was in shock and crying like crazy - my wife just stood there unmoving and did nothing. I rushed from the other side of the room, picked him up etc. and I think I did say "stop just standing there, make sure your son is okay and give him some affection you unfeeling, uncaring bi*ch!" (after the last 24 hours build up from her antagonism - not proud of it - but it is what it is). She then went ballistic on me, insulting me in her mother tongue (very rude things), totally invaded my personal space, and shouted at me/challenging me to divorce her right now. I refused, and calmly said that if she wanted a divorce, she can initiate it herself. I suggested that she leave until she's calmed down, but she stubbornly refused "I would rather sell the house than leave, or have it bulldosed before setting one foot outside this door...", and then... she left.  :wacko:

 

After a few hours, she was "normal" again, and we managed to take our kids to a friend's birthday party for their 1 year old and play happy families for a while.

 

I am narrating this not just to rant - but to share what is happening as I imagine that many of us are going through similar, so others may find some solace in it.

 

Again, it sounds to me that you are much more aware of what you are feeling/thinking/doing, and even though you are likely causing your partner to feel hurt in some way, it is definitely much more benign than what I and likely others are going through right now...

 

Wish you all the best!

Share this post


Link to post

Sadandconfused - I have NO idea if this suggestion is at ALL worth entertaining, but if going off cold turkey did this to you, might it help to temporarily go back on the meds, then wean properly? Though now that I'm saying this I don't think that will work because either way your dopamine will be all screwed up. All I can say is you articulated SO, so well the nightmare that I also experienced. When the feelings dropped it was SUPER traumatic, and I felt the same guilt and horror . . . and had just moved in with him. I had been happier than I ever thought a person got to be in this life, then NOTHING. But what's good is you and I were able to maintain that something was terribly wrong. My husband's loss of feelings was gradual to a point, then a sever drop last spring when the meds doubled. But it wasn't this totally black and white thing, and we'd been together 15 years already. He just thinks this was all inevitable, natural, etc. Thankfully he admits to the more drastic shift last spring, just after his meds changed, otherwise I'd have no clue what was really happening. Just hang in there. Those feelings are inside you, your poor brain just can't access them. Keep talking about it, too. It helps. 

 

Dawood - your emotional outburst is just so reasonable given the circumstances, though its great you feel remorseful. It's so hard to watch them be different with the kids. Just tonight, about an hour ago, our 6-month-old pooped himself awake (around 9:30 p.m.) and he had to stick around to bath him, etc. It was a diaper blowout. Whereas in the past my husband would have just laughed about it and chuckled with the baby, who was thrilled to be awake, haha, he was clearly irritated, talking through clenched teeth. It was only momentary, but it happened. And of course I'm the only who saw it. ALSO, he's losing his hair. My husband has tons of thick black hair, but I noticed a few months ago this patch missing. It's getting worse. I realized he was losing more hair last summer, too, leaving lots in the bathroom. This is apparently a sign of SSRI side effects, but a rare one, so of COURSE he is having it. It also might mean it's a sign of toxicity, though I'm not sure . . . not toxic enough to make him vomit, etc., but a sign his body isn't liking this stuff. 

 

Prayers, people. Let's keep one another in our prayers. I was so genuinely happy for you, Dawood, to have your wife tapering. And I have such hope for you, Sadandconfused. Hugs. 

Share this post


Link to post

Did she taper, or quit cold turkey? Thanks again!

 

She started Lexapro 5 mg in DEC 2012, 10 mg JAN 2013, 15 mg FEB 2013 (hypomania and all mess started from that point) In mid MAR she started to taper and tapering was ended 14 APR 2013. One month taper but she was on this drug just 4 months.

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now