Alice1

Alice1: Lexapro withdrawal

144 posts in this topic

Regarding thoughts;
 

 I've spent so much money on therapy for this kind of thing , and I'm baffled on how HARD it is to apply the necessary strategies in early wd. I'm guessing it gets easier in later stages of wd . 

 

Yah, what helps most is to build up a practice.  The practice gives you a savings account at your wellness bank, to draw upon in times of stress.

 

It IS hard to do Mindfulness while thrashing about with symptoms.  But the moment you start feeling better, start again to build up a practice so that the next time you fall down, you can withdraw from your wellness savings account.

 

Examples of things that I have heard people being sensitive to when in withdrawal:  Light, sound, rhythm, music, TV (fast screen switches), news, Facebook, gluten, dairy, cheese, smells, exercise, caffeine, alcohol.  In fact, ALL recreational mind altering should stop:  no alcohol, no recreational drugs, until you are stable. 

 

Like with a dietary allergy, you may be able to bring these things back into your life later.  So it's not like you're never going to eat pizza again - just maybe not while you are in withdrawal!  You say you are eating, but I'm asking you to look at what you are eating.

 

Some of us can have immediate reaction:  that cottage cheese made me feel funny, or for some reason I really like hot tea right now.  90% of our body's serotonin is in the gut - so paying attention to your gut is a key piece to healing.

 

if I reinstate and it fails does that mean I'm going to be so bad I cant leave the house ?  I know nobody can answer that ..I actually get tremendous hope when people say if they were me they would tough it out , and when people tell me they would reinstate I feel panic ..

 

This may be your intuition guiding you.   I will play "devil's advocate" to see how it feels.  If I can soothe your fears, then maybe it's just panic and fear, and not your intuition.

 

A trial reinstatment of 1 mg Celexa might knock you about for a week or two if it fails, and you just quit it, and will likely settle down.  And you will know that you tried, and whether or not it's a successful strategy.  There are quite a few who have been relieved from reinstatement, like Addax, Jemima, Bayboy, and Weebles - and it's not like going back to square one.  Tapering off of 1 mg, is much better than tapering off of 10, or even 5 mg.

 

Please note that I am not recommending a reinstatement of Lexapro, like DrugFreeProf suggests.  I would not recommend that at this point.

 

Here's a way to look at it.  July 2016 you started your fast taper.  If you had been tapering 10% like we recommend here at SA, you would be at a dose of Lexapro of between 6.9mg and 7.4 mg, or higher.  This is equivalent to between 13.8 mg and 14.8 mg of Celexa.  So you see how tiny a dose I am suggesting?

 

Does that reduce the fear?

 

It is awesome that you are seeing bright spots, areas of functioning.  It's amazing how well we can get by on limited functioning.

 

It's your choice.  Let me lay it out:

 

1.  Continue as you are, ride it like a bad roller-coaster that you got on, but there's no way to get off until the ride is finished.

2.  Start working with Magnesium and Omega-3 fish oil to see if it makes your bright spots brighter (but that may take enough time to close your window of opportunity for reinstatement)

or

3.  Reinstate 1 mg Celexa (not Lexapro) to see if it makes the bumpy ride a little smoother.

 

You can do #2 - no matter what you do - the reason I put it in options like this, is that the window of opportunity for reinstatement may be closing (we never know for sure when that is), and working with mag and fish oil - normally my first recommendation - may delay your reinstatment too long.

 

So - how do you respond / react to my "devil's advocate"?  (I'm not telling you to reinstate, I'm asking how you feel about reinstating, with a little more information to guide you)

 

ALWAYS, as Shep says, work on your Non Drug Techniques for Coping with Emotional Symptoms - find what helps you to feel better, and you will use these skills the rest of your life.

 

I hope you see the sun today!

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Thank you Jan,

I really appreciate the time and information you have given me. This is ( as everybody here knows ) the most challenging experiences I've EVER had to face in my entire life. I can totally understand when people say once you're done with SSRI WD you can handle anything life throws at you. I just got done searching for time machines on eBay. No luck. I am currently lying in bed with my sleeping daughter, listening to her breathe , and ruminating about the day I walked into the doctors office to get the help I needed 2 years ago. You know ? I can remember the first night I took lex. I remember a thousand thought racing through my mind every second. Like a high speed slide show. The next morning I had the most smashing panic attack of my life. It's was at that moment I should've listened to my body and made the decision on what to do. My daughter is at the age where she is like a cuddly Teddy bear right now. You know the age where you just want to snuggle , hug , and play with and enjoy .. I feel that this poison is going to strip these precious upcoming moments from me and my daughter , and I will never get them back. By the time I feel better she will be grown up more and not be as she is now. Maybe she will be better , more cuddly , more fun who knows. At night I'm more optimistic about this whole terrible situation. Come morning I'm more pessimistic. There is no middle ground right now. I can't rationalize like I could 6 months ago . if there is one good thing coming out of this it's my precious daughter will know the dangers of antidepressants. Her mother warned me not to take them too. Funny thing (not really). I got on the lexapro first , then I got therapy. Ain't life a MF.

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Hey Alice 1,

 

Just read through your thread, and while I can't really offer any advice, I  can just tell you that I'm going through a very similar situation.

Your story is a heartbreaker man, especially with the child involved. This whole experience is hell itself, I think.

 

I was mis diagnosed and put on a potent mix of drugs for a short period. I realised the drugs were destroying me and quit them, but I fear I'm in for a long journey.

Anhedonia is my main issue, I just feel dead inside most of the time. But since I came off the drugs, there are glimmers of light. And I'm convinced the sun will shine again. But this struggle....I can't put it in to words....

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Alice, you might wear dark or amber glasses for a while, outside and at the computer. Could be that a lessening of light stimulation will be of help.

 

JanCarol gave lots of good tips. As she suggested, 1mg Celexa might do for reinstatement, as a last resort. If you want to try it, do it on a long weekend.

 

Practicing slow meditative breathing might also help, particularly at work, where you might feel under stress. Don't be hard on yourself, most likely the people you work with don't notice your symptoms.

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Posted (edited)

Alice,

My story is a bit backwards of yours, but remember, every med works on everyone differently.

 

First, I want to straighten out an small blip I saw on your thread.  The half life of medications was spoken about.  First, the half life of a drug is when your body has metabolized HALF of the dose, so once you are beyond that point, if you are on a drug like regular Effexor, half life could be a worry (Effexor XR is the name of long release).   Regular Effexor has a half life of only 8 hours, which means if you tried to dose a drug like that once a day, you would be in withdrawal possibly 16 hours of every 24, so a med like that, you would want to dose 3 times a day, but SSRI's with that short of a half life are rare.  Lexapro has a half life of OVER 24 hours (27-32 hours to be exact), so it does not affect your situation at all.  Celexa ALSO has a half life of over 24 hours (35 hours to be exact!), and it takes 7 days to reach a steady state in the blood.  At any rate you are so long off of Lexapro, the half life of that drug had absolutely no bearing on you what-so-ever once that last dose was 24 hours+ out of your system.  I just did not want you to worry about half life times of medications because it does not even apply to you in ANY way right now.  It only applies when taking the med, and Lexapro or Celexa are fine being dosed once a day. They do NOT have short half lives!

 

Now I have been on Celexa, and it was so weak, it did nothing for me.  it was like taking a placebo.  I am not telling you this to force your hand one way or the other about reinstatement, I am only providing information about what happened to me, nothing more.  My doc removed me from 3 AD's (2 SSRI's and 1 SNRI, giving about 2.5 weeks each to get off of each of the 3 (and had agreed to put me on something else, then reneged. so I handled the panic, and depression, and the SI as long as I could, and finally (before I knew ANYTHING about AD's, long before I was a member here), 4 months later, I was put on Lexapro, a different med (the 3 I was on before were Pristiq, Bupropion, and Trazodone), so I switched to a totally different med 4 mos out, and had no issue with the new AD.  Now if you are nervous about starting even on that low of a dose of Celexa, please know that the COMMON dose of Celexa starts at 20mg/day (I went up to 40 and felt nothing).  You are starting so low (if you choose to), that I cannot imagine you having any major issues as the dose is so tiny.  That said, it is your decision.  I just do not want anyone to scare you into making one decision or another, I wanted you to have all of the information is all.  I have no stake in which you choose.

 

I wish you the very best!!!

Skeeter

Edited by ChessieCat
Added a paragraph break.

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Hey Alice1 !

 I just got done searching for time machines on eBay. No luck.

 

:D at least you are keeping your sense of humour about you!  This will serve you well!

 

 Funny thing (not really). I got on the lexapro first , then I got therapy. Ain't life a MF. 

 

Well - I was treated with the view that it was pointless going into therapy until the drugs started working!  Ain't that a thing?  

 

Like the therapists didn't want to see me until I was no longer "at my worst."  They actually told me that therapy wouldn't work until I was "out of crisis."

 

Isn't it interesting, that they only wanted to talk to a numbed mind?

 

Alto suggested breathing - I have just looked it up for another member - see if you can find a technique that suits you here:  Pranayama - Yogic Breathing

 

I hear so many glimpses of positive things from you - sometimes achingly so (your cuddly daughter) - that I have great hope for your recovery.

 

It does get better, it just takes longer than you want it to (sorry about the time machine - but I hear the DeLoreans are available for private purchase?).

 

I hope you see the sun today.

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Hi there, just want to say your not alone!!!!We are all in this together.

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Hello everyone.

I've read the threads on Prilosec (PPI) and I'm still at a lose. I do take Prilosec 20mg for acid reflux. I have bad acid reflux. I understand about the risks involved upon taking PPI's , however I m still not sure if I should taper off ppi while in wd. I had a blood test but never asked for specific information about vitamin deficiencies. I'm not even sure if the blood test I took would give that data. I'm eating , sleeping , and exercising (gently) and avoiding alcohol and caffeine. I'm implementing the non drug techniques and every other coping tool the best I can. Now I'm wondering if it's important to taper this prilosec. I read all the info on the threads and still can't determine if I should taper ppi now or wait until a little more stable. I'm not asking for my diaper to be changed I just would like to hear the professional opinions ( per my case ) from the mods if possible. If it's too much trouble I understand and will continue and make no changes. Thank you.

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What are your symptoms, if any?

 

Please keep notes on paper of your symptoms and the times of your dose(s). This post has a useful format for a daily log:

Take notes of doses and symptoms.

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My wd symptoms are severe anxiety depression derealization dizziness Akathisia restlessness. Some aches and pains , some burning muscles ... Then I have my normal anxiety about the whole situation. Which just creates this life of fear for me. I feel like I'm a complete stranger to the world I once belonged to. As far as symptoms when I take ppi , I don't have any stomach issues ..I recently changed from the ppi capsule to the pill ...

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I will also add that I'm extremely anhedonic. No motivation to do ANYTHING. When I have to run a errand or do a chore I literally have to force myself.

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Thanks for summarizing your symptoms. An actual log of symptoms and when they arise is far more useful than a summary. You may see connections between the time of a dose and the time that a symptom worsens or improves. This post has a useful format for a daily log:

Take notes of doses and symptoms.

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Oh. Ok. I'm sorry. I didn't realize what you meant. It's kinda hard because everything that started 6 months ago is just more and more intense at 7 months out. I can defiantly see a increase in symptoms when I exercise too much or if I eat too much carbs , but I really can't see any correlation when taking the ppi. I'll still try the dose/symptom timeline chart though.

 

Thank you Scallywag

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Posted (edited)

As I work on coping through the eighth month of my withdrawal I have to say that I never know what tomorrow will bring .. One day will be fear and dizziness . The next will be DR and depression. It's really like a seven deck shoe at the black jack table. Applying the techniques is a lot of effort . Kinda like a full time job . Lol. Just typing the words "full time job" sends a wave of sadness through me , as if it's a reminder of one of the things I've lost.
 
Meditation seems to be best at night before bed as when I meditate in the afternoon I can literally feel the heat from hell rushing through my senses. I don't know why this happens but I do it anyway. As if I'm trying to expose myself and feel the pain so that I'll somehow "break it in " .. Like a pair of boots ..

 

We did have two good breaks in the last three weeks. Both from 7 pm to bedtime with good sleep. There has been moments where withdrawal is not noticed too. Only to once again notice it. I remember having an hour in the middle of the day around 2 pm where everything cleared off for about an hour. It was so so wonderful yet very sad as well. Kind of like wishing you could be with that loved one who has past for just one more hour , only to experience them passing again.
 
This whole thing is so hard to accept. So so hard . The feelings of fear and panic one minute , then hope and encouragement the next only to shift into the thoughts and images that torture me as I worry about it getting worse. Everybody around me living their life as I wait in misery with a fake smile and a contorted environment. Trying desperately to practice "being with" these feelings day by day only to feel like it's the beginning all over again.


Save your servant who trusts in you , my God. Let him find in you a fortified tower in the face of the enemy. The Lord is my light and my salvation.

Edited by scallywag
paragraph breaks

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Hey Alice1 - 

 

I will also add that I'm extremely anhedonic. No motivation to do ANYTHING. When I have to run a errand or do a chore I literally have to force myself. 

Yep.  Perfectly normal.  Difficult, challenging, to have to take a whip to yourself to do it - but - you're doing it!
I find that when I'm really bad, I break down tasks into the tiniest components.  Okay.  Now I will comb my hair.  Okay, I did that.  Now I will feed that cat.  Okay, I did that.  Now I will put on my shoes (that's often the hardest part for me, go figure).  Okay, I did that.  Is there anything else I need to do before I go to the shops?  Oh!  I need that coupon for 2 for 1 milk...Okay.  I have that.  It's a lot of chatter, but with each step - instead of whipping myself to get it done, I'm patting on the back for each little task that gets completed.
It's the same thing, but just a shift in how you approach your tasks.  Carrot, or whip?  And so, therefore, if I get to a certain point in my targets (today I will get this or that done) - I look for rewards (I can sit down and play a game or do nothing or whatever reward I think appropriate).  At one point, I was putting colored stars on my calendar, like a kindergarten teacher.  It made my calendar pretty - and I could visibly see that I wasn't a total waste of space.

 

 

From our PM's on PPI's, you asked:

I've just read the thread on PPI's . I'm really confused. I have taken 20 mg of prilosec for a few years now. I do have really bad acid reflux. I can't figure out if I should taper off ppi during wd or not. I don't have any stomach issues other than a slight dull feeling but I read the b 12 deficiency thing and don't know if tapering prilosec will help or hurt. Can you give me your opinion ? 

 

My short answer was this:

QUICK SUMMARY:  PPI's rob you of more than B12, but having symptoms - not the best time to come off.  ALSO if you are B12 deficient (likely), you may be too sensitive to take B12.

 

It will be a taper - later - when you're ready.  It's great that you are aware of it now.  I found PPI's to be mood destroying (especially when cocktailed with statins and lithium, in my case).  I was taken off PPI's (no taper) by a consulting pharmacist, who said it was going to strip my bones of calcium.  Egads.

 

THERE ARE alternatives to stomach acid.  We usually get the stomach acid problem from eating inflammatory foods.  The biggest one for me is "vegetable oils," mostly rancid (canola, safflower, sunflower) - were originally industrial oils and are used in EVERYTHING.  Touted as "healthy."  Move to olive (cold oil) or coconut (cooking).

 

I haven't visited the PPI thread lately, but if I recall, there are alternatives like DGL discussed there (DeGlycinated Licorice).

 

Okay, I seem to remember alternatives to PPI's besides the DGL.  Some people take a little baking soda in water.  Some people drink a tsp of Apple Cider Vinegar in a cup of water.  Lemon water, is another remedy - again, start with it weak, and build up.  It may seem paradoxical to add acid (ACV and lemon juice) to an "acid stomach," but I assure you that your stomach is meant to be acid, and the discomfort caused by reflux can usually be adjusted by diet.

 

There are so many inflammatory foods that Americans take in.  The beloved french fry - fried in industrial inflammatory oils (canola, safflower, sunflower, corn, soy - all the vegetable oils are inflammatory).  The gmo in "herbicide resistant" corn and soy - which ends up in nearly all packaged and processed foods, as flavourings, preservatives, thickeners, etc.  

 

When I went to America last, after having been sick for so long - I've cleaned up my diet a lot.  I still eat meat, and small amounts of dairy and grain - but in the USA, GMO's are not labeled, and pesticides, herbicides, hormones, antibiotics are a given.  I walked into a grocery, and nearly hyperventilated trying to find something "safe" to eat.  It's not impossible - sticking to fresh fruit & veg, grass fed and/or organic meats (Amish meat is a cheaper option, if you can get it) - helps immensely. 

 

It's just that there's an awful lot of "food" in America today which is not food, it's a "product."  And it's hard - I'm married, and my husband doesn't "believe" in the things I do - so there are a lot of compromises I have to make in order to share a kitchen with him.  You have a whole family, and I can't imagine having daughters who want to eat pizza, potato chips, hamburgers, sodas - if I had those under my nose all the time I'd go spare!  Bad enough to smell hubby's "hot cross buns."

 

Anyhow - all of this for later.  You can start working on the food now, and there's a chance that by the time you are ready to taper off your PPI's (if I recall, you can do it in 25% drops instead of 10%, with shorter holds in between drops).

 

Here are some more threads you can explore your stomach - 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/3413-digestive-problems-nausea-diarrhea-bloating-gerd/

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1229-probiotics-and-gut-health/

 

90% of the body's serotonin is in the gut - so here is a leading question:  did you have the acid reflux before you started the Lexapro?

 

I hope you see the sun today!

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Oh yes. I've had acid reflux for a long time. I've usually just eaten tums but when I was eating a roll a day I got on ppi. Only been on prilosec for about a year. I would get heartburn brushing my teeth lol. Or sometimes the smell of food would trigger heartburn. My diet was terrible however and I used to smoke cigarettes. Now I'm on the ecig with minimal nicotine (5% of a normal cig) and holding nicotine taper. Funny how I tapered nicotine but jumped off lex fast. I've fired my therapist btw.

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As I work on coping through the eighth month of my withdrawal I have to say that I never know what tomorrow will bring .. One day will be fear and dizziness . The next will be DR and depression. It's really like a seven deck shoe at the black jack table. Applying the techniques is a lot of effort . Kinda like a full time job . Lol. Just typing the words "full time job" sends a wave of sadness through me , as if it's a reminder of one of the things I've lost.

 

Meditation seems to be best at night before bed as when I meditate in the afternoon I can literally feel the heat from hell rushing through my senses. I don't know why this happens but I do it anyway. As if I'm trying to expose myself and feel the pain so that I'll somehow "break it in " .. Like a pair of boots ..

 

We did have two good breaks in the last three weeks. Both from 7 pm to bedtime with good sleep. There has been moments where withdrawal is not noticed too. Only to once again notice it. I remember having an hour in the middle of the day around 2 pm where everything cleared off for about an hour. It was so so wonderful yet very sad as well. Kind of like wishing you could be with that loved one who has past for just one more hour , only to experience them passing again.

 

This whole thing is so hard to accept. So so hard . The feelings of fear and panic one minute , then hope and encouragement the next only to shift into the thoughts and images that torture me as I worry about it getting worse. Everybody around me living their life as I wait in misery with a fake smile and a contorted environment. Trying desperately to practice "being with" these feelings day by day only to feel like it's the beginning all over again.

Save your servant who trusts in you , my God. Let him find in you a fortified tower in the face of the enemy. The Lord is my light and my salvation.

Hi Alice1,

 

Accepting this is really hard. I think this is the hardest thing we will have to go through. I completely understand you and feel for you as I am in the same position. Fake it until you make it . This is what I am trying to do. Pretend at work in front of friends that everything is fine but in reality it is not . What also sucks is that it is so hard to explain to people . And with time I start sounding like a broken record . So now when I catch up with friends I try to sound cheary and upbeat bc they will not understand and I don't want any pity . And yes not knowing what is coming is so scary but do we have an option ? I mean yes I guess . But personally I don't want to be drugged and numbed for the rest of my life . I want to have kids one day and not be tired and a zombie and I want to feel . So the only option is to move forward . What helps me is to read success stories and actually getting feedback from you guys, and words of encouragement . I was having such a crappy day yesterday and felt so alone and 'not normal there is something wrong with me' and then I got some feedback from this site and it gave me strength and hope . I also think about the future and freak out but now I am learning to take it literary minute by minute . If I think about tomorrow it will drive me crazy. Acceptance patience and courage and time . We will be okay .

B

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And yes feeling of panic and fear one minute and hope in the next . I just had this moment on Saturday . I was in the shower thinking omg how am I going to make it through the day so tired dizzy racing mind . But then I got out changed looked outside the window took few breaths and I felt a bit of hope .

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Holy smokes Blondiee! You're still working ? I can't wait wait for the day where I can work FULL TIME again. In fact , when I meditate I think about work I've done in the past. Then I get depressed lol. Right now accepting is easy at night than the morning. I'm more optimistic at night for some reason. Probably cortisol. I blame everything on cortisol. Lol. If I get a hangnail I blame cortisol. :) at almost 8 moths off my brilliant taper created by my therapist (who's been fired) and doctor (who's always on vacation) I'm experiencing some crazy feelings of healing. Man , I get so dizzy in the moning . Like this electric brain dizziness. I asked for it though. I'm walking for 20 minutes everyday (gently) and trying to do at least one activity a day. Rathing it being fishing or shopping or taking my daughter to the park. I'm trying to build from that although I'm not sure if my symptoms have peaked. I am getting "half ass " windows every now and then . Sometimes I'll get a few hours of quality window but usually one every two/three weeks. Nights are a litte better (cortisol:) but you are still working so you rock blondiee :).

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Your taper was very quick for sure . And 20 mg is a large dose . From what I read on here the first year is the hardest. You are almost there . Also you were on lexapro for only 2 years you should def heal faster . Great you are doing 20 min a day activity. That is important . And half ass windows are better than none :)

Oye I don't know about rocking it . Work is a struggle for sure

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Ladies and gentlemen ,

I am so so pleased to report some good news on my thread involving my lexapro withdrawal. I am please to report that I have gained exactly one pound :)

I'll take it.

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Hey Alice!

 

I blame cortisol, too.  If you look at my thread - I just went through a series of heart testing (second set in 2 years).

 

Yep.  Cortisol.

 

 

fishing or shopping or taking my daughter to the park. I'm trying to build from that 

 

That's the way!  Follow your pleasure.  Doing things that you enjoy will lead you through your symptoms - and - you might find that you like yourself better at the end of all this.

 

It's great news that you've gained a bit of weight!  (I've lost about 15 pounds in the past year, but lordy it's been hard work - and only about 45 to go!)

 

I love your attitude - you gotta laugh (to keep from crying) - but that's going to serve you really well in the long run!

I hope you see the sun (or a fish or a puppy or kiss your daughter) today.

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That's amazing Alice1 X you're improvements give us all hope!

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Hey everybody.

Not doing so good . I've been in really bad for a week now. Two weeks ago I started getting a little more active . I'm working every day (gently) and walking for 45 minutes . Last Monday I worked for 4 hours (light constuction / wood framing) then came home and noticed a medium sized tree fell over . So I grabbed my chainsaw and cut it up . Really not a big deal right. Then went for my 45 minute walk. Next day I get slammed by a titalwave. I'm thinking it was the chainsaw as I guess it was too stimulating but it's probably all the recent increase of activity I've implemented. I did come to realize that I was feeling better back then , otherwise I wouldn't have increase anything , ya know ? Anyway , I'm really bad now. Ive been so dizzy and depersonalized since then , not to mention depressed. I know I'm only 8 months out and should be keeping it easy but I read dr Healys stuff saying being active is important to recovery. yet baylissa says go easier in early wd.

 

Anyway , my symptoms are the worst they've ever been and I'm really frightened .. I thought I had reached a plateau of the worsenings but this wave proved that wrong.

 

Like everybody else in my position , I can't help but to think I'm truly doomed and will not get through is. Which is sad because last week I was so much more confident . Still symptomatic but confident. I've read the sucess stories so many times that they're starting to lose value. Meaning that they are not bringing me hope.

 

I keep thinking about my little girl and how her daddy is being ripped apart by all this. I guess I'm not handling this very well this week. I feel like a total failure in life right now. Trying to do simple things and getting plowed by waves for doing them.

 

I know my taper was stupid and I should've reinstated 7 months ago but it is what it is and I'm desperate for a dose of hope.

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Hi Alice

 

I do feel for you as have been where you are many times. Just when you think you have 'cracked it' and things are going well you get slammed down with symptoms again. Windows and waves......

 

The trouble is it is all trial and error. We have to try and get back into things like work and doing more but sometimes it is too much. I think the chainsaw was probably too much and very noisy.  We don't always find out until it is too late.

 

Just try and concentrate on the positives. You were feeling better until this wave came along. So it can happen again.

 

Wishing you all the best

 

Flowers xxx

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Hi Alice1 - I came across your thread and felt an instant kinship. I too have a young daughter (just turned 10). It crushes me that she has to see her daddy go through this. But it motivates me to get better. She sits with me sometimes and we watch tv and I will start to cry and she will stroke my arm. Her love kifts me up.

 

Our symptoms also sound very similar.And I too have known the bad rebound of doing too much during a window!

 

I'm here for you to bounce feelings off of. Us daddies need to stick together!

 

SJ

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Oh SJ.

My daughter is my life. She sleeps with me and while she is sleeping I just look at her and listen to her breathe and cry. I so want to be back to normal and be happy with her again. It's all I want right now. The sadness I'm going through is no different than being told you have 3 months to live. The thought off being like this for a long long time sends me into panic every time. When I'm in a widowish phase I try my hardest to facilitate recovery , and actually see a tiny dot of light at the end of the tunnel but then the wave takes it all away.

 

I read your thread , and I'll be praying for ya.

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The sadness I'm going through is no different than being told you have 3 months to live. The thought off being like this for a long long time sends me into panic every time. When I'm in a widowish phase I try my hardest to facilitate recovery , and actually see a tiny dot of light at the end of the tunnel but then the wave takes it all away.

 

I read your thread , and I'll be praying for ya.

 

You - we - are so blessed to have the love of our daughters. My fear is that seeing e like this will do her harm. But hopefully it is building compassion in her.

 

I'm going through a rapid cycle of depression and terror - it changes minute to minute. I tried distracting myself with some TV, but everything I tried just filled me with anxiety. Even tried watching some good preaching and it just made me anxious. Which in turn made me depressed. I'm going to try some chamomile tea.

 

Your prayers are appreciated!

 

SJ

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I do also fear I'm ruining my daughter. Everything you're feeling I have felt. All of it. At 8 months off I thought I was getting better a little which was giving me tremendous hope but now I feel like I'm on chemotherapy and radiation along with the anxiety and depression. I'm completely detached from the world I once partially ruled. I have read and been told the first year is the worst but still find it hard to get hope that things will get better I'm willing to wait the time t takes , but not know how long kills me. If it were known for certain I would feel better. I'd just count down the days , months , years. All I can figure out is from what I've read , and the nice people I've talked to who've recovered. Seems like in CTs cases 3-5 years is the norm. But what about people who have only taken drugs for 2 years ? Is it still 3-5 years ? A lot of people have told me that since I was only on it for 20 months that somehow I'll recover faster. But judging how I feel at 8 months off I'm seriously doubting it.

 

I also seem to think that I'm worse than everybody else. Can anyone relate ? I've read about people living in closets avoiding stimulation , or being so sick they can't talk ... I guess I truly though at 8 months I'd be feeling better , then when I hot that window two weeks ago only to be followed by feeling the worst I've felt the whole time ..idk. Struggling.

 

Hope I get better eventually.

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Hi Alice1,

 

You are doing the best you can.  You are getting off this medication for your own health and for your daughter.  Yes, that is what I've read that the first year is the worst.  But you are almost there, 8 months is a long time and you survived, right?  Try to remember the window you felt, was not that worth feeling in the long run?  What I learn from this process is that you cannot be hard on yourself.  I understand completely, I want to do everything a "normal" person can do - go to work, go to a happy hour, shopping, go on dates, take a vacation to Mexico.  But right now I can not do any of these things - I barely make it through the work day.  I learn to accept that and be thankful that I can get through the day and not guilt myself for not doing enough.  Try to focus on the positives in your recovery.  I agree 20 months is a brief use of SSRI and you should recover quicker.  I also read that attitude is everything and our thoughts send signals to our bodies.  So maybe keep telling yourself you are getting better and eventually it will happen.  Also, I have this weird belief that before things get good they will get worse.  So think of it as a storm before the calm kind of thing.  After a terrible wave you will feel better.  

 

It will be okay 

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Thanks blondiee.

I always enjoy reading your replies.

 

Folks , I am feeling the most odd sensation between my ears. It's almost like a nervous pain that is ultra sensitive to sound or light , and even movements. My eyesight feels sensitive as well. Anybody else relate to this ?

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Thanks CC

 

Today is the 8 1/2 month mark and things are pretty tough. I've been reading a lot on here lately. Funny how when I'm in a semi window I'm not on here for more than a half hour a day , but when in a wave like now I'm here all day. And once again I let somebody's horror story get the best of me .. Man , I was doing so much better two weeks ago . I was getting my evening windows back , I was working again , and exercising everyday (gentle walking 45 min) ..now I'm bad again only worse. How am I supposed to help healing if I get pounded by waves every time I do. I guess I just have to find that happy medium between doing too much and doing too little. Doing too little sends me into deep deep suicidal depression and doing too much gets me a wave. Well, working construction and using chainsaws while walking long distances in the evening isn't the answer. Going to try light retail work (part time) walking 20 minutes and meditation for awhile. But should I wait until this terrible wave ends ? I'm not sure if this is a wave or just elevating CT withdrawals. I've been told the first year is the worst , especially the 5-9 months period. So maybe it is just a matter of taking it super easy for awhile. I think I'm finally starting to forget about the life I lost 8 months ago. At least a little bit. Starting to adapt to withdrawal life , a sort of coping with it life.

 

You know what would be great ? A pizza with extra cheese. Mmmmmmm :)

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I thought about you last night, Alice1.

 

(Warning, you might want to grab some tissues - I'm already crying thinking about this... But here's a preview, it turned out to be a good cry when it happened last night.)

 

Anyway, I got home to discover a very sad little girl. My daughter was upset because on the bus ride to school, she drew some pictures for her classmates. She later discovered that one of them had thrown away the one's she was given by my daughter. It broke her heart (like her dad, she is a very sensitive soul).

 

I hugged her, comforted her, and told her that things like that happened to me when I was a kid. And then, my tears started as I told her that I was guilty of throwing away some precious gifts too - gifts given to me my Jesus. My little girl just grabbed me from behind and hugged me as I apologized to her for the millionth time since going into withdrawal for all of the bad things I said and did to her when I was on the meds (as I said before, I was a harsh, sarcastic, yelling person back then). She just stroked my back and told me it was okay. Then I cried happy tears.

 

Our loved ones are our lifeline. We are going through this hell to be a better person for them. They will forgive us, just as God forgives us for throwing away some of His gifts, especially when we were in the grips of mind-altering drugs that were given to us by doctors.

 

See! I told you it would end with happy tears!

 

SJ

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yep definitely needed the tissues for that story SJ

How sweet your daughter is!!

 

 

Alice1 I hope that you can find the right balance in your day to day life to minimize the waves, and for you both and for all us, I pray for big open windows and our final healing!! :)

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Hi Alice1 - happy Friday . Hope you are having an okay day .

 

I kind of see myself in your posts. I remember when I was trying to do all the things a person not in WD would do and I would get so frustrated with myself for being tired and anxious and not feeling good and why can't I do it . It took me a while to realize that I am going through WD and my body simply cannot do these things yet (yet a key word ) I think the same for you . As you said looking for that balance is key and getting into the routine . This is the time where you are selfish about your needs and nurture yourself and do whatever it takes for you to get better . This is acceptance . It does not mean you have to give up everything and just accept this is how you are forever . You will get better you just need time and some nurturing . The fact that you had a window is a wonderful indication that this is actually is happening, all you need is patience and encouragement and time and obviously being good to yourself . For me I am accepting that this is how it is for now . And it sucks but it does not mean I won't get better . I honestlh in my heart do not believe that I need to be medicated and numb to be living a normal life . It sucks to see my friends getting married traveling and going out and I hate going on social media now for those reasons but I have this hope how one day I will be there . I don't think you want to go back on meds do you ? I am the same way I was on them for 9 years and I never felt myself not anxiety free nor truly happy . I have light Boise sensitivities too. When I am on the phone I have to put the volume very low bc I feel like the person on the other end is screaming and my head is pulsating . I also feel like head pressure and clogging and ear popping I went to ENT Doctor and everything is fine . I am pretty sure you are feeling WD .

 

I am having pizza for lunch today :)))

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