chester: My story, my warning, my hope

[chester]

Hello everyone

 

I am so glad to have found this site, please forgive me for my spelling as it is soo bad.

 

A little about me, i was a very capable person for 38 years , I had happy childhood, joined the navy at 17, didnt like it, left after 3 years,

did security for year then did an apprenticeship as a mason (block/brick layer) loved this work, went self employed,unfortunately i have been unemployed since 2007 not capable of work since 2014.

 

Thats not to say i had no problems until 2014 , i made so many mistakes in my life and by 2014 i was carrying so much guilt regret secrets and stress that i could no longer cope, in fact i had not been coping for several years but i didnt even realise it.

 

To make a long story shorter one of my biggest secrets was in danger of being exposed and i was so stressed i ended up bringing a bout of mania on myself, i was convinced i was bipolar, i wasnt sleeping i had rambling thoughts, was talking non stop for hours on end, calling to my parents 3 and 4 times a day talking for hours  ringing them at all hours of the night, writing speeches, all the usual stuff of a bout of mania.

 

I went to my gp 3 times that week, on the third visit i told him i badly needed sleep and asked him for some sleeping tablets, he said i think there is some depression going on and he prescribed me 2 different antidepressants, no sleeping tablets.

I didnt want to take antidepressants so when i got home i put them in the drawer and i said i wont take them unless i really need them, my parents kept telling me to take the tablets and i kept saying i dont need them.

 

After about 5 days of mania which got worse as each day passed, something strange happened, i went to bed on the fifth night barley able to untie my shoe laces, i was woken a couple of hours later by shuddering waves passing from my head all the way down to my toes, i had been dreaming of a parcel wrapped in layers and as each layer was unwrapped i got one of these waves pass down my body.

 

I woke and i was like what the hell, i woke my partner and i said all the stress is leaving my body in waves, i got another few of these waves, i got out of bed and i was shaking and a bit panicked i said quick ring me an ambulance then i said no no ring the doctor then i said no no im ok, i also suddenly felt like i had complete understanding of everything that had happened in the previous 5 days as if my mind had worked out all the rambling thoughts.  i said to myself what do i need , a cigarette i need a cigarette (i had been off the cigarettes 2years) i rang my dad and asked him could i come over for a cigarette (it was 3am).

 

By the time i got to my parents (10 min walk)  i was the calmest most composed person on the planet , i tried to assure them that i was fine, but they kept telling me to take the antidepressant, i repeated very calmly that i didnt need them, after a bit of back and fourth i agreed to go see the doctor on mon (this was fri) but i was adamant i didnt need the antidepressant.

 

I went home and remained up, the next day i made a mistake, my partner was going to a baptisim, i should have stayed at home and rested but instead i went with her. That day i walked with my held held higher than i ever had in my life it was as if this was the best version of me that had ever been, my mind was as sharp as a razor, the day before i couldnt count my fingers, i was the life and soul of the day, i had advise for everyone ( i know now that i was actually very high that day)

 

I went to bed that night and tried to sleep but as i closed my eyes i had a bit of a panic, i thought what am i going to do now that i have nothing to worry about, i got up and tried to have a whiskey i thought it might calm me but i couldnt drink it, and this is when i made the BIGGEST mistake of my life ( and ive made some big ones)  i thought ok i give in maybe my parents are right, ill take one of the antidepressants.

 

I took it, went to bed and did sleep, i woke very early felt fine , went back over to parents to tell them i had taken the tablet and

reassure them i was fine. but as i was just about to leave i had a strange thought, i thought i am like god i can do anything ,i didnt think it was strange at the time, i left, i didnt know it but the next 24 hours was going to change my life forever.

 

12 hours after taking the antidepressant i was in a psychosis, i now know that 15 - 20% of people who take antidepressants while suffering mania have a psychosis.

 

I wont go into every detail of the psychosis but it was a very severe one, i was seeing and hearing things believing the most unbelievable things you couldnt make up some of the stuff i was thinking it was so dangerous at one stage i thought my partner was the devil, i could have murdered her or indeed my whole family , that evening i went back over to my parents to give them messages from god (as you do) left to go back home , it was now dark and my mind was getting more and more twisted started having really disturbing thoughts.

 

I got totally naked in the middle of the road ,luckily a very quite road, i got dressed again but not before a car passed, i turned around and there was a very sinister person in front of me with his hand out i thought he was trying to pass on a curse, i beat him up (thank god there wasnt actually anyone there) i turned around walked a few steps and then i felt the worst fear i have ever felt in my life (if u  can imagine being on a plane and it is going down if you can imagine the fear you would actually feel as it is going down) i was that scared , i felt in immediate danger but i didnt know where the danger was coming from then i thought there was a plane crashing down on me from the sky ,i ended up lying on the ground screaming in terror.

 

When i got up i prayed to every god i could think of, i ended up saying i pray to god i pray to the animals god the insects god the organisims god the universes god to gods god to my god to your god to every bodys god, i managed to get the rest of the way home every step i took i said trust in god and nothing willl happen.I got outside my house and i was taking one step forward one step back saying i am  god,im not god,i must be god, no i know im not god, my partner saw me and called me in.

 

Next thing my parents are at the door followed by a doctor and an ambulance I didnt know what was going on , i wouldnt go with the ambulance, i thought they were working for god and i would die in the ambulance, i was then trying to work out everything that happened that day and i came to conclusion someone was the devil, i was trying to work out who it was and i thought who is there all the time? my partner, she must be the devil, i said she has to go she has to go, i wouldnt say why, she went out to the ambulance, then i thought they had drugged her and had sex with her.

 

The doctor asked me a few questions, cant remember what, i agreed to stay in my parents house that night (big mistake) and i also agreed to see my gp monday, the doctor said i would be fine and to take ANOTHER!!!!! antidepressant, so i did, as he left i said thanks god, he said im not god at all and he walked out the door and they left, the ambulance men knew me from school and they knew something was really wrong with me and they knew that doctor was useless, they told parents to ring them straight away if anything else happened.

 

I went to my parents but i was thinking they were getting me out of the house so the devil could have my partner for the night, i went to bed in parents house and was thinking all sorts at one stage i was thinking i was a young girl and someone was going to come in and abuse me, i got up and this is when things got really out of hand , long story short i ended up picking up a chair and ended up smashing up the cooker, luckily my mother had already phoned the police and they turned up just in time, i was handcuffed and put laying down face first on the cold tiles (in my boxers) until the doctor turned up, the ambulance crew had insisted on a different doctor this time so it took a long time.

 

More very disturbing thoughts while i was waiting, doctor gave me an injection of something but i still wouldnt go in ambulance, eventually they got me in , but the whole journey i was rocking back n fourth thinking any second there was going to be a smash and i would die.

 

Anyway they put me in an assessment room they gave me a cup of tea, i dont know if there was something in it but within in a very short space of time i went from a bad psychosis to being absolutely insane the thoughts went CRAZY i thought i was evolving into a super being then i smashed up the assessment room and passed out.

 

I woke couple days later in a secure hospital i was out of psychosis and spent 3 weeks in hospital.When i left hospital i was great and i was only on 20mg zyprexa, but six weeks later at night i was walking past the spot where i had been terrified and i got really spooked i thought oh no not again, i managed to get home but then i had a MAJOR panic attack,  i ended up back in hospital and this is when the anxiety started, i was literally on the verge of a panic attack 24 hours a day, for months on end,  it turned me in to a basket case, i became afraid of everything and ended up confined to my house. I had a second major panic attack which sent me back to hospital for the 3rd time.

 

First lyrica was added to help with the anxiety and for my mood, this was the most dangerous drug i was put on, it caused violent and suicidal urges so i tried other drugs including lamictal lithium lustral seroquel none of them helped , quite the opposite

 

I realised that my anxiety and panic attacks were a result of post traumatic stress caused by the severity of the psychosis, for months after the psychosis i couldnt even allow myself think about the psychosis or id feel a panic attack coming on, it was the fear of having another psychosis and maybe hurting or killing someone and not being able to trust my own mind. But once i understood what was causing my anxiety i slowly began exposing my self little by little to everything and over time it eased and hasnt been a problem for a long time. But after all this now it seemed that i also had seveer depression, or at least thats what i and the psychiatrists  thought.

 

So i was on 20mg zyprexa since dec 2014 and 1000mg epilim since mar 2016 For the last 2 years i could not function at all I woke up every single day feeling like an alien and not rested, I couldnt motivate myself to do absolutely anything, I couldnt concentrate on anything I couldnt watch tv or read or even bother with the internet, I couldnt make conversation with anyone, I felt like my cognitive abilities were badly damaged, I struggled to do things I could easily do before, I always loved my music for the last 2 years i never turned up the radio or put on my music, my stools were consistently muck, I lost all my sex drive, I was often nauseous from the moment i got up until i went to bed, I physically couldnt get alcohol down me (i use to love a drink) and more. I use to pace the kitchen floor from morning till i went to bed and suffered from really bad obsessive thoughts.

 

Eventually i realized that a lot of my symptoms were very physical and i was thinking there was something else going on, i was also starting to ask myself why i couldnt get back to the way i was for 38 years, I also began to realize that no drug was going to make me happy, when your life is a mess no drug is going to make you happy you have to sort out your life.

 

I read about how bad zyprexa was, I know im not schizophrenic and I am certain my psychosis was a result of the antidepressant, so i said right im getting off of this drug. Now i dont recommend anyone do this as i know it was to fast and risky, but i decided to taper zyprexa by 25% a month, i did suffer withdrawal evey time i dropped it, i would get a two week period of manic depression, and after i dropped the last dose which was 5mg i suffered for a month, I thought about going back to hospital but then i thought what will they do for me (nothing only suggest i go back on ztprexa which i wasnt going to do.

 

8 days after my last dose manic though i was,I started to wake up without that alien feeling in my head, i was able to find the motivation to start walking, i started walking 4 miles a day as briskly as i could, it took about 2-3 weeks of going every day but this really started to lift my mood i havent missed a day since, im on day 33 now , I cant tell you how good i am starting to feel.  

 

By 6th mar 2017 most of the symptoms above were gone or rapidly getting better except for the last 5 weeks i had been really nauseous all day every day and my stools were still muck, i got up the next morning and i noticed my nausea was gone then i realized i had forgotten to take my epilim the night before, i know i really shouldnt have done what i decided to do next , i said thats it thats the end of the epilim, i wasnt too scared of coming off it i thought well i might experience a drop in mood but ill ride it out if i can.

 

Now i am currently going through withdrawal from the epilim but mainly in the evening and so far it is managable the nausea has stayed away and would you believe even my stools are back to normal, for the first time in over 2 years i have real hope for the future, my life is still very much a mess and needs a lot of work but now i feel like i can start to face it.

 

I feel like one of the lucky ones, i lost 2 years of my life to drugs and i know a lot of you have been suffering for so long due to these poisons , i wish you all the best i know how hard this journey is and i hope everyone does well with their tapering and get some long overdue relief and be able to enjoy life again, sorry for such a very long post, thanks for reading       

[madmeds1111]

Thanks for the inspiration! I wished I would of stayed on my meds and tapered off. Maybe I would be in a better place. 

[chester]

Madmeds I would say tapering is the way to go, when you are feeling stable again you can start, stick in there

[Hopefull]

Take care, you will recover.

You obviously had a bad reaction to an Antidepressant.

Maybe think about having a pharmocogenic test to see what drugs you are sensitive to. Take care, Hopefull.

[scallywag]

Chester, -- Welcome to Surviving Antidepressants (SA)

 

Thank you for taking time to post about your extremely negative experience with antidepressants in 2014 and the subsequent fallout. I hope that your stability continues after your taper off Zyprexa.  Around SA, we consider 25% per month a fast taper. We typically suggest that people reduce more slowly -- no more than 10% per month.

Why taper by 10% of my dosage?.

 

My calculations on when you took your last dose: March 15 - 33 days = February 10. It's good to read that you're doing well. It's too early, however, to say for sure that you've escaped withdrawal symptoms. Please pay attention to your body, mind and emotions. This topic presents a list of common symptoms experienced when someone discontinues a psychiatric medication:

Glenmullen’s withdrawal symptom list.

 

Are you still taking Epilim?

 

I hope you'll find the information in the SA forums helpful for your situation. I'm sorry that you are in the position that you need the information, but am glad that you found us.

[chester]

Hi hopefull and scallyway thanks for the kind replies ,Hopefull, i think i am sensitive to them all ha i think we all are in some way , none of those drugs are any good for us.

 

Scallyway, i know its way too soon to say i wont suffer more withdrawal from the zyprexa , im hoping i dont of course , im sorry to say i did a really stupid thing on 6mar i completely ct the epilim and i am having withdrawal from that at the moment not sleeping much bit edgy, strange feeling that i cant put into words but so far its manageable id rather not reinstate if i can hold out.

 

In general things are so much bettter, have increased my daily walk to 9km a day, i feel normal when i wake for first time in over 2 years, im listening to my music again and enjoying it, reading books , back  on the internet, nausea is gone, even my sex drive is back in spades thank god 

 

my last zyprexa dose was end of jan , not much diff i know but every day is a day closer 

[scallywag]

It's not too late to reinstate a partial dose of the epilim to stave off withdrawal symptoms.  Please consider it. For more information please read:

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms.

[chester]

Thanks scallywag .

 

I just realized i didnt do a correct 25% taper of zyprexa what i did was just reduce it by 5mg/month dooooh lol nothing i can do about it now, i did suffer a 2 week bad spell with each reduction and a 4 week bad spell with final reduction  but heres hoping i dont suffer from delayed withdrawal, i realize its possible and had i known i would have been more cautious but i have to be optimistic and hope for the best not the worst.

 

After all i have learned about antipsychotics and supersensitive dopamine receptors and the risk of antipsychotic withdrawal actually causing psychosis, i am so mad my psychiatrist did not withdraw me from zyprexa once i was out of psychosis, i had one psychosis in 38 years that i know and she knows was caused by the antidepressant so i should not have been left on 20mg for 2 years.

 

The epilim im not so worried about, the withdrawal has been uncomfortable at times but seems to be getting less intense every day, its mainly at night, i am wide awake after a few hours sleep but at least i am getting some sleep and waking feeling refreshed, whereas on the drugs i found it very hard to get to sleep then i would be in bed half the day and feel like total crap when i wake  

[chester]

So i have been feeling very shakey, i have been off the epilim 17 days  still feeling much better in general than i was on the meds, apart from this shakey feeling its just like being very stressed or something.

 

Im considering reinstating some epilim, i was taking 1000mg. Id really rather not but i might have to, what dose would you recommend if i did reinstate?  i have 500mg tablets which is very high.

 

I wont be seeing my psychiatrist for another 4 weeks and im not sure would my doctor take the responsibility of prescribing me 200mg.

 

Also my next problem then would be that 200mg is the lowest dose i can get and the are prolonged release so i can cut or crush them 

[ChessieCat]

I've asked the other mods for their thoughts about how much to reinstate.

 

You might find these topics provide some helpful tips on how to talk to your doctor to get what you need.

 

How do you talk to a doctor about tapering and withdrawal?

What should I expect from my doctor about withdrawal symptoms?

 

Epilim appears to be available in a variety of forms.  I did a search and found this online:  http://www.sanofi.co.uk/products/Epilim_SPC.pdf

[chester]

Thanks chessiecat , thats good info to have, ill ask psychiatrist about the different variety of forms, having really bad day today, mood is still good but i woke with a headache that wont go bad nausea all day and feel like i am coming down with the worst flu ever 

[Altostrata]

Chester -- Epilim comes in 100mg crushable tablets, which means you can cut them up.

 

If I were you, I would ask the GP to prescribe these, rather than wait for the psychiatrist.

 

I'd take the 100mg in the evening for a while. Then you can properly taper off the 100mg tablets.

[chester]

Hi all just an update, well i didnt reinstate the epilim, i seem to be over the withdrawal mood is still good and i am still walking i am on day 75 of walking now and losing some of the zyprexa weight gain.

 

I had an appointment with my psychiatrists yesterday she said i was inspirational   

[Hopefull]

Good to hear that you are doing well.

Best wishes to you, Hopefull.

[Plshelp]

On 4/26/2017 at 2:04 PM, chester said:

Hi all just an update, well i didnt reinstate the epilim, i seem to be over the withdrawal mood is still good and i am still walking i am on day 75 of walking now and losing some of the zyprexa weight gain.

 

I had an appointment with my psychiatrists yesterday she said i was inspirational   

Chester! 

 

How have you been since jumping off the zyprexa? It's been awhile since you've posted. Did you ever experience insomnia? What else has improved for you since getting off it? Thanks! 

 

Brandi

[Hopefull]

Hi Chester, 

I have also been wondering how you are doing these days? 

 

[chester]

HELLO guys, sorry i havent been on this site in months and i never check my emails, Plshelp i have sent you a message.

 

I am doing great , never took another tablet, mentally i am better than i have ever been in my life, i put this down to several things, it was 2.5 years of unimaginable hell   but if i hadnt gone through all that i wouldnt be where i am now, 2 years of thinking/researching analysing myself/mental health/medication paid off . Understanding myself and why it all happened was very important, getting of meds was VITAL, exercise was essential, but also along the way i also found god (i am not religious at all)  and i also found a man called eckhart tolle ( one video in particular changed my whole perspective on life forever) i hope ye are doing well

[Hopefull]

Hi Chester, 

It fantastic that you are doing well.  It gives other people hope.  

Take care,  Hopefull.  

[chester]

Hello everyone its been a long time.

 

I hope everyone is doing well , just thought i would do an update its been about 1 year since i did.

 

The last year has been amazing i would say the best one of my life mainly due to the appreciation of coming from hell to heaven and staying there.

 

It was a stressful year at times with losing grandparent, moving house , plus very difficult family situations , and stress is 1 thing that can effect me badly but i got through it all without being thrown off my stride , apart from

 

Having a mild psychosis due to stress family matter put me under.

I did need to go into hospital , i took 2 tablets was knocked out and about 24 hr later i was right back on track where i had been day b4 it happened.

 

I refused any further meds despite relentless pressure from doctors and nurses ( they must be on commission) that was april and i have remained med free and in super form but it was a warning sign to watch the stress levels

 

I continue to practice all the positive helpful tools i learned in last few years 

 

I hope anyone reading this knows mental health can be beaten and overcome and you can recover

 

Majority of metal health problems are life problems not brain problems imo that is of course until the doctors get their way , best wishes to all going through this i am rooting for you all i know what hell it is , please please keep the heads high , keep learning keep trying to understand yourself keep trying new tools , in my case it was a combination of all these things and a prayer cant hurt either 

[Madeleine]

So nice to read your update. Thank you for sharing.  Glad to hear things are so much better now for you.  Yes prayer helps a great deal.  Wishing you many blessings In the years ahead! 

[Hopefull]

On 7/17/2018 at 12:14 PM, chester said:

Hello everyone its been a long time.

 

I hope everyone is doing well , just thought i would do an update its been about 1 year since i did.

 

The last year has been amazing i would say the best one of my life mainly due to the appreciation of coming from hell to heaven and staying there.

 

It was a stressful year at times with losing grandparent, moving house , plus very difficult family situations , and stress is 1 thing that can effect me badly but i got through it all without being thrown off my stride , apart from

 

Having a mild psychosis due to stress family matter put me under.

I did need to go into hospital , i took 2 tablets was knocked out and about 24 hr later i was right back on track where i had been day b4 it happened.

 

I refused any further meds despite relentless pressure from doctors and nurses ( they must be on commission) that was april and i have remained med free and in super form but it was a warning sign to watch the stress levels

 

I continue to practice all the positive helpful tools i learned in last few years 

 

I hope anyone reading this knows mental health can be beaten and overcome and you can recover

 

Majority of metal health problems are life problems not brain problems imo that is of course until the doctors get their way , best wishes to all going through this i am rooting for you all i know what hell it is , please please keep the heads high , keep learning keep trying to understand yourself keep trying new tools , in my case it was a combination of all these things and a prayer cant hurt either 

 

Hi Chester,

It is nice to hear from you.  It is good to hear that you are doing well. 

Since you had a bad reaction to an AD, does it mean now that you are prone to psychosis? 

When you are not stressed do you feel ok?

Is it the stress that sends you over the edge?

Take care,  Hopefull.

[Happy2Heal]

hi Chester

 

just dropping by to say Hi

 

how are you doing now?

hope all is well with you