Dealing with the lost years and moving forward

[Steppenwolf]

I’ll try my best to write about this—brain fog and emotional anaesthesia with frequent neuro-emotion and dysphoria makes it hard to think clearly about anything, and when I do try to think deeply about anything either nothing comes up or I have a mild headache and it hurts (emotionally and physically) and I just end up rambling or going on in circles. 

 

I’ve been medicated since I was 18, and started being very numb about 3–4 years ago but it sometimes breaks, and the pain and grief that comes up is painful. I’m quite stuck on the question: what would my life have been if I had never chose to take medication?

 

I flunked out of school at 18, I was very numb and dead. So I went to a psychiatrist and had meds, it lifted a little in the beginning, but the same pattern always occurs, depression, meds, mood lifts, depression, meds. I eventually got tired and came off the merry-go-round.

 

I’m pained by the years I’ve lost to this, and even more pained by the years to come, I CTed many meds, protracted withdrawals have set in. I initally thought it would take 1–3 years, I then revised it to 3–5 years, but I think 5–10 years (at least) for it to remit is very likely. I’m 25, I have spent the last 7–9 years watching my friends and acquaintances moving ahead and getting on with their lives. I’m 25 with no job, no partner and no education. I’m going to spend the next 5–10 years doing the same. 

 

Many times as the question comes up, it feels as if the only solution is dying, I dont really want to die, I just want my life ‘back’. But what’s there to get back?

 

Another question that comes up is: what if I had not taken meds and had just tried my best to deal/live with my depression, would I also be 25 and dealing with the lost years to depression?

 

I know speculations about hypotheticals: what would my life have been w/o meds and depression etc is pointless and futile. No one can know the future or the what-ifs. 

 

It’s very hard to make sense or to find peace and acceptance and hope of what I’m going through. Would anyone have books/materials on grief/acceptance that you have found helpful to make sense of what we’re going through?

 

I’m too self-absorbed to see beyond myself, but I pray/hope that those of us who are dealing with this can find the hope, strength, and acceptance to grief and move on that we are looking for.

[Steppenwolf]

@Rhiannon and @ShiningLight and a couple of others here have beautiful responses, but I’m too numb/dead/afraid to see the truth in it. 

[manymoretodays]

Maybe something here Steppenwolf:

 

[Steppenwolf]

1 hour ago, manymoretodays said:

Maybe something here Steppenwolf:

 

 

Thank you manymoretodays!

[mstimc]

11 hours ago, Steppenwolf said:

I’m too self-absorbed to see beyond myself, but I pray/hope that those of us who are dealing with this can find the hope, strength, and acceptance to grief and move on that we are looking for.

This is what anxiety does and how it survives.  Anxiety is selfish and wants to consume all of your thoughts and feelings.  Otherwise it can't survive. 

I didn't start my WD and recovery until I was in my 40's.  None of the time before, during, or after has been wasted.  I took what I learned from my journey and became a better person for it.  That's why I became a Mentor here.  Our lives are the totality of our experiences, good, bad and neutral. Anxious thinking is making you see nothing but negativity and self-judgement right now, but as you go into recovery you'll see it wasn't all darkness.  

Recovery starts with you.  It's a good sign you're asking for books on how to deal with your grief and negative thinking. That means the real part of you wants to and knows you can recover if you find the right tools.  Commit to recovery and you'll find it.  Hang in there!

[Steppenwolf]

10 hours ago, mstimc said:

None of the time before, during, or after has been wasted.  I took what I learned from my journey and became a better person for it.

 

10 hours ago, mstimc said:

Our lives are the totality of our experiences, good, bad and neutral. Anxious thinking is making you see nothing but negativity and self-judgement right now, but as you go into recovery you'll see it wasn't all darkness.  

 

Thank you mstimc for your perspective. I can’t even understand what you’re saying, I’m very numbed out right now. I can understand it to be intellectually true, but it has no emotional resonance. Still, the fact that so many here like you have been through WD and came out better and able to feel the way you do is a sign of hope (I hope). 

 

10 hours ago, mstimc said:

Recovery starts with you.  It's a good sign you're asking for books on how to deal with your grief and negative thinking. That means the real part of you wants to and knows you can recover if you find the right tools.  Commit to recovery and you'll find it.  Hang in there!

 

I really hope and wish that will be the case. ✨

[MissSerene]

I can so relate to this topic and others' comments. So much time, so many emotions, relationships, etc. feel lost to me, too. As someone above said, I've spent most of my life *in psychiatry*! As another commenter said, what's happened has also helped me gain new perspective. It has given the rest of my life profound meaning as I learn self-care and self-love and empathy for others.

 

As I get a little older, and as a history buff, I can also see that thousands and millions of humans of the past -- just like  we have been -- were operating on limited knowledge and understanding. Like us, they were caught up in, and affected by, societal forces WAY beyond their control (for example, what doctors of their era said was good for them/would treat their ailment, etc.). At times, I feel like I've served as a guinea pig for the physicians and drugmakers of our day. And it makes me furious and sad and disappointed and incredulous and victimized and powerless and unheard. However...it has also pulled me down to earth and set me within a larger circle of others.

 

Welcome to the human race! I can only count this as a gift.  

[Giuly88]

Deep down the real you has always been there looking through a temporary pair of cloudy glasses.

 

Physical exercise in nature helps me with brightening up my sight and enjoying a more colourful perspective of the beauty that surrounds us.

 

At the moment I try to look back at the fragrances, tinges, shades and sounds as I used to perceive them before taking the poison.

❤️