apathetic: recovering from olanzapine use

[apathetic]

hello there.

i registered here to search for help for symptoms that are bothering me and that came after 15mg of olanzapine for 7-8 months.
generally, i've been taking olanzapine for like a year or something, i started with a 5mg dose at 2015, after some time they upped it to 10mg, and then i've had a full-blown psychotic episode and i began taking 15mg.
 
i was hospitalized and there they gave me high doses of 5 different medications.
 
when i came back home, things just weren't the same.
okay, that didn't bother me, i was still thinking that it's only a phase.
then, month after month, i realized that that "phase" is actually... something deeper, different.
so i searched about it on the internet; and saw that "antipsychotics destroy brain".
i stopped taking olanzapine cold turkey, which was DEFINITELY a very bad idea.

at first, i was very depressed, i don't know if it lasted long enough to be called a major depressive episode, but it was severe. i was full of guilt... but, the worst of it all - i couldn't feel a damn thing. i couldn't enjoy a damn thing.

i was on a winter holiday and i'm a skier, but i didn't feel anything while i was skiing.
yes, i could leave a bed, but i was doing it only because i felt like the world around me would judge me and criticize me if i didn't.
people are supposed to feel happy, free when they're skiing, even scared.
i didn't feel anything.

i realized that i stopped caring about everything, so,
you could tell me a good thing - i would feel nothing (sometimes it was even hard to fake a smile, because it was even hard to move my face).
you could tell me a bad thing - i would feel nothing.

i had a fear of being criticized, but now, that faded too.
but that's okay, to be honest, it's much easier to live without the guilt and at the same time energy to do anything about the guilt you're feeling.

and i wanted to feel things. i wanted, and not only wanted, but i still want to feel things. deeply.
so i started faking reactions to things... i was like - okay, imagine you're a normal person who didn't go through this kind of situation. how would a normal, rational person react ? and then i reacted that way. i still do that tho, it became some kind of a habit.

my concentration is very bad.
my will is very bad.
i have anhedonia and apathy.
my cognitive abilities are awful.
but i just can't seem to care.

and you know, sometimes you feel bad for not caring about things. i don't even feel bad about not caring, i just don't feel a damn thing.

i had a period where i was doing better and was motivated to recover. i still want to recover, but i feel like nothing makes sense and i don't know how to get out of this nonsense.
if any of you found sense, can you please tell me how ?
i know it's an extremely hard and long process, but i somehow believe that it's possible.

WHY ?

i went to the neurologist and spent a lot of money on some neurological tests, for example magnetic resonance imaging of the brain.
guess what ? IT'S NOT THE BRAIN.
IT'S PSYCHE. mind. mental.
!!!!!!!!!!!!
at least for me.
tests can't and don't lie.
i believe in those tests, even tho i have all the symptoms of brain damage,
i surely don't have a brain damage because i have an evidence.
the tests have shown that my brain is perfectly healthy, despite my mental disorder.

i don't know about you, but i can recommend checking yourself just to be sure, it can ease the pain, even if you do have a brain damage or if you don't. if you don't have enough money, there are local hospitals where you can check yourself.

so that's why i accepted medications and i'm currently using 10mg of escitalopram and i started few days ago aripiprazole 5mg. i'm willing to try things. i just feel so brain-foggy and that's stopping me from doing anything.

 

and now, i'll go and search the forum for some advices from you guys, i will write here again.
thanks if you read this.

 

...and yeah, sorry for a really bad post, i'm not so well right now.

 

i'm glad that i became the part of this community, the feeling that i'm not alone makes me feel better.
and it's hell.

[theloneranger86]

i dont think what caused the anhedonia will resolve it apathetic. I still feel going off these meds is the only way (at least for me). Give your brain a couple of years to recover from this mess imo. Either way , hope we all get better

[apathetic]

i dont think what caused the anhedonia will resolve it apathetic. I still feel going off these meds is the only way (at least for me). Give your brain a couple of years to recover from this mess imo. Either way , hope we all get better

thank you

[Plshelp]

I don't like the anhedonia either. I'm still taking meds though. I want off them and I want this to go away.

[scallywag]

apathetic -- Welcome to Surviving Antidepressants (SA).

 

The purpose of this site is to provide people with information about safely discontinuing medications. Is that your intention? If not, you may find more useful information and people in your situation at another site/forum.

[LostInTheWoods]

I can't offer immediate help to you since I've never been on antipsychotics, but have also been in that "can't give a damn about anything not even the fact I can't give a damn about anything" anhedonia these very days. It does lessen with time.

 

It's great to see that even in this blank state of a mind you can see a brighter future ahead. I encourage you to keep going out, meeting friends and close ones and cultivating the activities you used to cherish even if at this moment you ignore the why. Even if it is out of a rational, cerebral and admittedly colder intention, keeping in touch with all of what had been making you "you" will make that day when you feel better all the more satisfying.

[apathetic]

apathetic -- Welcome to Surviving Antidepressants (SA).

 

The purpose of this site is to provide people with information about safely discontinuing medications. Is that your intention? If not, you may find more useful information and people in your situation at another site/forum.

 

thank you for the welcome.

i understand. my intention is to be with people on here who are experiencing the same symptoms as i do. to support each other. to go through the hell together.

i'm not encouraging anyone to start taking medications again (just because i did), neither to stop taking them.

 

as i can see, you're a stuff member -- if you think that this isn't the right place for me, can you please send me a private message with some of the other sites/forums where i can find people who are experiencing the same, if you know some of them ?

 

if i am at the right place, then okay, i'll stay here.

i'm just trying to cope and being with people who are experiencing the same is my way of coping.

 

I can't offer immediate help to you since I've never been on antipsychotics, but have also been in that "can't give a damn about anything not even the fact I can't give a damn about anything" anhedonia these very days. It does lessen with time.

 

It's great to see that even in this blank state of a mind you can see a brighter future ahead. I encourage you to keep going out, meeting friends and close ones and cultivating the activities you used to cherish even if at this moment you ignore the why. Even if it is out of a rational, cerebral and admittedly colder intention, keeping in touch with all of what had been making you "you" will make that day when you feel better all the more satisfying.

i'm trying, but it's very hard. because, with no thoughts, no anything inside of you, it's hard to see the actual sense in doing those things. which, i know, is very very bad, and i'm trying... but it seems like i'm going nowhere to be honest. it's all really foggy, whole day, every day.

 

like i'm in some special state of mind which i can't escape from.

 

__________________________________________________________

 

another thing that i've noticed is that i can't deeply understand anything because it seems like all of my experiences i once had in my life are lost. i actually have moments where i can think "deeply" about things, but it all takes a lot of effort, i can't explain.

it's very depressing to know that other people don't even need to think about that, they don't even need to try - they're constantly in some normal state of mind, even better than my "best".

 

and again, sorry if i'm at the wrong place. i'm very sorry. 

[scallywag]

Great that you're here.  I just wanted to understand your purpose for posting and to clarify the site's purpose. 

[nicolantana]

Hey apathetic! I like your name choice have you heard the joke yet??

 

you can't be too apathetic as you found the will to come on here

 

Anyway, I'm relatively new to the party.

 

Your story is very, very similar to me. Poly drugged in hospital and 'the no anything inside you' is how I am now. Severe anhedonia. I ceased to exist as a human on the meds. Like some of the guys mentioned, I think coming off the meds and allowing the brain to heal might be the only real solution. (But chat with the moderators about this....I'm no expert....YET!)........I came off all the meds very quickly. I am now four months off everything. Since coming off meds, I have had occasional days where I feel like a human. I smile a little, cry a little, think a little, enjoy things a little. These days are very rare, but I am getting more. Everyone does, it seems. There called WINDOWS around here. WINDOWS are the miracles we all hold out for. These are days of hours where we feel like a human.

 

I'm sure the mods will give you more links about this stuff. Anyway, plenty of us have empty minds and empty hearts on/after meds....and it seems people do recover! as will I, and as will you. Plenty of success stories on this website....here's an example..http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/14634-risperdalhater-i-recovered-from-risperdal-aka-risperidone/

 

Peace,

 

Nick

[apathetic]

Hey apathetic! I like your name choice have you heard the joke yet??

 

you can't be too apathetic as you found the will to come on here

 

Anyway, I'm relatively new to the party.

 

Your story is very, very similar to me. Poly drugged in hospital and 'the no anything inside you' is how I am now. Severe anhedonia. I ceased to exist as a human on the meds. Like some of the guys mentioned, I think coming off the meds and allowing the brain to heal might be the only real solution. (But chat with the moderators about this....I'm no expert....YET!)........I came off all the meds very quickly. I am now four months off everything. Since coming off meds, I have had occasional days where I feel like a human. I smile a little, cry a little, think a little, enjoy things a little. These days are very rare, but I am getting more. Everyone does, it seems. There called WINDOWS around here. WINDOWS are the miracles we all hold out for. These are days of hours where we feel like a human.

 

I'm sure the mods will give you more links about this stuff. Anyway, plenty of us have empty minds and empty hearts on/after meds....and it seems people do recover! as will I, and as will you. Plenty of success stories on this website....here's an example..http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/14634-risperdalhater-i-recovered-from-risperdal-aka-risperidone/

 

Peace,

 

Nick

hey! thanks for reaching out, nick.

i've read somewhere around the internet - you can't be emotionless. the emotion you're feeling is apathy, which is still an emotion! and it sucks, but you can't be emotionless.

 

i'm so glad to hear that you have those moments, even if they're rare. i had them too when i was only on escitalopram 15mg (now my dose is lowered) and when i wasn't using any antipsychotic. it was the end of march - beginning of the april i believe, that's when i started feeling again.

 

but then, when i started feeling some tiny emotions, the only thing i was feeling was severe, severe depression, and i was very suicidal because of withdrawal symptoms. also, i was very anxious, i had obsessions and compulsions and it was awful.

 

after that, i wasn't still taking the new medication, it all just went away all of a sudden and i was very demotivated to do anything, to think about things, whatever happens i'm like "meh, whatever".

nothing improved with medication either.

 

today i had a thought - "what if there is some dog's hair in my coffee ?", and i was like "you're probably going to die, meh, whatever". that kind of... i don't even know what it is, makes me feel bad. and to be honest i'm only trying to feel bad, but i can't. that's so awful, disturbing, or maybe the 'rational' me would say so.

 

and it's disturbing because i just don't care. and the most disturbing thing to me when it comes to this is that it lasts for week already, this brain fog and everything. i don't even know how to define it, so i just tell myself "nah, you're fine" just because i'm trying to imitating having thoughts, but i don't really have them.

 

it's hard, but at the same time not, because i don't think, feel, anything, and i think that i'm becoming less and less aware of it, and that scares me.

 

[nicolantana]

ouch..if I had emotions, I would feel for you reading all that . But it is a horror show, I know. I mean, you're one of only a handful of people I've come across who describes word for word what I'm coming through. I'm act light hearted and joke about it, but trust me, I know that is hell itself.

 

A story I have which connects with yours....I crashed my car recently, wasn't terrible, but I ended up on two wheels. It didn't even bother me. It was a very dangerous situation but I didn't care.

 

and you say it's disturbing that you've had it a week? ...I've had nothing now with 5 weeks approx. I've had maybe 13 days in the last 120 where I felt even a tiny but normal. So, unfortunately, we must think in terms of months rather than days or weeks! scary I know

 

As for depression/suicidal thoughts....that's scary and I'm no expert. But alot of that it seems is related to withdrawal. There is a pattern in the recovery from meds which is called windows and waves. You feel worse for a time, it's a wave. The idea is to surf that, realise that it's withdrawal and hold on til the next window

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/82-the-windows-and-waves-pattern-of-stabilization/

[apathetic]

i'm kind of having a hard time, but i don't seem to be aware of it.
like, i just don't care.

current biggest problem is concentration. 
i know that i don't have that many obsessive thoughts like i used to, for example the only obsessive thought i had today was "did i turn off the computer so my mother would see all the things i've written" and i started feeling really uncomfortable, and i couldn't go back home that easily to check.

but, that's not the point here, the point is that my attention is so low that i forgot about that "obsessive thought", if i can call it the obsessive one, after 10 minutes. that's worrying me, like, i "feel" something, even if it's feeling uncomfortable and anxious, and then i just forget about the feeling (hello, i forgot about feeling!) after ten minutes ? that's scary, to be honest. i don't know how to define that problem, is that the problem with memory or the problem with attention ?
after that, i remembered, but i was apathetic about it. like, "meh, whatever".

that's a serious problem, i can't really tell what's important in life and what's not, like i forgot it all after using olanzapine. 
you know what's actually hard ? it wouldn't be that hard to rebuild your personality if you remember which things are actually important, which are okay to do, which ones are not, if you didn't forget about all the things that one normal human being has, even the child that's like 4 y/o.
it's hard. and you know, it would be much easier if we were kids.
like, yes, there are parents to teach us how to literally live, but we're grown ass people and we need to be around other people, and there i guess we spend the more time on pretending that we're okay and normal, like we have a personality, than we actually spend time on healing.

and that's horrifying.

 

at least it's like that for me.
i want to spend time with people and i find that healthy, which is good.
i need to start taking my life and my recovery seriously, because if i don't, i'm not doing anything and time just passes, with me not thinking, not caring, literally dying in this shell that's called a body.

currently, i'm not that bad, i'm just not concentrated which is the consequence of lack of sleep, which is okay and doesn't upset me that much because i know it's not the problem with my current mental state.. if i was concentrated, i would be so much better.

 

i just want to be aware that i'm really, really bad mentally.
but i can't seem to care, whatever i do, whatever i try.
i read self-help things literally whole day, but i don't get them.
it seems like i don't get life at all.
anything.

and the scariest thing to me... 
is getting used to it.

 

[Kiaza]

Sounds very familiar. I get wawes ans windows, some days I think "hey this isn't so bad I think I'll recover from this in no time". The baseline is still bad, nothing feels good mentally and physically, you just float around as a non existent blob of meat without any substance. If nothing feels like anything why live? Though why die, all the same why not be here and wait and see if something happens

[nicolantana]

Hey guys and apathetic in particular,

 

I hear you. but let's not beat ourselves up. anti psychotics can do this. They target and compromise your pre frontal coretx. pre frontal cortex is where we generate motivation, concentration, emotions etc. This system has been tampered with and that is why we feel the way we do.

 

do not beat yourself up. you are not necessarily wasting time. you have been temporarily disabled. And the only real solution is to let time and nature do it's job. The brain will heal....the only real things to be done are to pass time, sleep, eat and have plans in place for how you manage return of your mind/soul/personality etc...

 

if you ask me, it's fine to get used to it and accept it.

 

And eventually, you're natural desires etc will return

 

Also, try to create a list of things that were good/normal in your life prior to this.

like for me, I used to enjoy movies, love people, dance around to music, go for a run most days, etc...I don't to this stuff now...but I KNOW the meds done this..and my soul will return

 

Peace,

 

Nick

[Plshelp]

Sounds very familiar. I get wawes ans windows, some days I think "hey this isn't so bad I think I'll recover from this in no time". The baseline is still bad, nothing feels good mentally and physically, you just float around as a non existent blob of meat without any substance. If nothing feels like anything why live? Though why die, all the same why not be here and wait and see if something happens

I'm waiting and it's killing me inside

[Plshelp]

Hey guys and apathetic in particular,

 

I hear you. but let's not beat ourselves up. anti psychotics can do this. They target and compromise your pre frontal coretx. pre frontal cortex is where we generate motivation, concentration, emotions etc. This system has been tampered with and that is why we feel the way we do.

 

do not beat yourself up. you are not necessarily wasting time. you have been temporarily disabled. And the only real solution is to let time and nature do it's job. The brain will heal....the only real things to be done are to pass time, sleep, eat and have plans in place for how you manage return of your mind/soul/personality etc...

 

if you ask me, it's fine to get used to it and accept it.

 

And eventually, you're natural desires etc will return

 

Also, try to create a list of things that were good/normal in your life prior to this.

like for me, I used to enjoy movies, love people, dance around to music, go for a run most days, etc...I don't to this stuff now...but I KNOW the meds done this..and my soul will return

 

Peace,

 

Nick

It's totally true nick about the prefrontal cortex. I don't want to have anhedonia and lack of thoughts anymore. It is killing me. I hate these antipsychotics! Olanzapine should be banned.

[apathetic]

at this point, i stopped caring about anything.

how would i sound when i talk - stupid, smart, this, that.
how would my day look like - bad, good, empty, anything.
i stopped caring about would i die or not,
is there hope or not,
i don't even bother recovering anymore.
nothing matters.
i just flow.
right now i don't feel that way, because i wouldn't even bother writing about it,
because i can't recognize my thoughts,
anything.
but i feel hopeless in general.
but when i say feel, i don't even mean that,
because i just flow...
nothing comes through my mind,
even that if i'm hopeless or not,
stupid or smart,
apathetic or full of emotions,
this or that,
whatever.
i'm worse and worse and worse and worse.
i don't even care about do i care or not.
i just. don't. care.

because i'm worse, i couldn't be worse when it comes to not caring.

edit: sorry for not answering, i'm not really able to tell anything because i don't see the point in trying to do something where i wouldn't succeed anyway. i like try writing it, but there's no point, because my mind gets nothing.

[Plshelp]

i'm kind of having a hard time, but i don't seem to be aware of it.

like, i just don't care.

 

current biggest problem is concentration.

i know that i don't have that many obsessive thoughts like i used to, for example the only obsessive thought i had today was "did i turn off the computer so my mother would see all the things i've written" and i started feeling really uncomfortable, and i couldn't go back home that easily to check.

 

but, that's not the point here, the point is that my attention is so low that i forgot about that "obsessive thought", if i can call it the obsessive one, after 10 minutes. that's worrying me, like, i "feel" something, even if it's feeling uncomfortable and anxious, and then i just forget about the feeling (hello, i forgot about feeling!) after ten minutes ? that's scary, to be honest. i don't know how to define that problem, is that the problem with memory or the problem with attention ?

after that, i remembered, but i was apathetic about it. like, "meh, whatever".

 

that's a serious problem, i can't really tell what's important in life and what's not, like i forgot it all after using olanzapine.

you know what's actually hard ? it wouldn't be that hard to rebuild your personality if you remember which things are actually important, which are okay to do, which ones are not, if you didn't forget about all the things that one normal human being has, even the child that's like 4 y/o.

it's hard. and you know, it would be much easier if we were kids.

like, yes, there are parents to teach us how to literally live, but we're grown ass people and we need to be around other people, and there i guess we spend the more time on pretending that we're okay and normal, like we have a personality, than we actually spend time on healing.

and that's horrifying.

 

at least it's like that for me.

i want to spend time with people and i find that healthy, which is good.

i need to start taking my life and my recovery seriously, because if i don't, i'm not doing anything and time just passes, with me not thinking, not caring, literally dying in this shell that's called a body.

 

currently, i'm not that bad, i'm just not concentrated which is the consequence of lack of sleep, which is okay and doesn't upset me that much because i know it's not the problem with my current mental state.. if i was concentrated, i would be so much better.

 

i just want to be aware that i'm really, really bad mentally.

but i can't seem to care, whatever i do, whatever i try.

i read self-help things literally whole day, but i don't get them.

it seems like i don't get life at all.

anything.

 

and the scariest thing to me...

is getting used to it.

 

Apathetic

How is the abilify working for you?

[apathetic]

Apathetic

How is the abilify working for you?

i guess that it isn't working that well for me. i'm taking it for about 2 weeks, and i've been doing very bad, as i said in my last post on here.

it's hard when you're mentally not organized, and i'm somehow scared to get organized because i'm so scared of not understanding things right and thinking very irrational like i do these days.

i literally jump to conclusions, think black and white... and it's not even on some conscious level.

i don't see the point in a n y t h i n g.​

i get angry and similar, and the worst... i get those urges to cut my skin off.

i think that i might stop taking this med, or maybe continue to see how it goes, i'm not sure.

i'm not sure about anything.

i can't even be sad about it, because i'm unable to think at all and feel.

i don't even feel apathy, if you get me, i just float inside my mind and body.

 

seems like it's never going to stop. crying is pointless, i don't feel emotional pain even.

when i was apathetic, i felt some kind of a barrier inside of me, but now i don't feel that barrier, i don't feel anything.

i guess that you guys feel some emotional pain because you feel apathetic, but i don't even feel that, and how does that make me feel ?

it doesn't make me feel anything at all.

 

what's the point in everything ?

i want to harm myself, seriously.

i even want to admit myself to the hospital, but hey, they'll give me meds, you know ? they'd **** me up even more.

i don't care about the symptoms.

i don't have symptoms, i don't have mind, i don't have anything.

 

things are very wrong and i'm not doing anything about it. i'm just pointlessly searching about the self-help techniques and do nothing about it.

 

i plan on quitting this med, but not on my own, not this time.

i have that luck to have a great doctor and she would understand my needs for not wanting meds/feeling terrible side effects. that's why she gave me very small dose (5mg). psychotherapy is the most important for me i guess, not meds.

 

but hey, what's the point ??? in anything ???

[nicolantana]

One of the mods should be here, giving you proper advice. I'll pm a few

[Altostrata]

Hello, apathetic.
 
Your signature says you are "still drinking medications." Are you still taking a drug or drugs? If so, what are they, what are the dosages, and when do you take them?
 
Very commonly, psychiatric drugs deaden feelings. That is how they work. Some people welcome this emotional anesthesia.
 
It does go away, very gradually. This can be very frustrating. 
 
If you are off drugs, you can help your body heal your nervous system with the usual healthy habits: Get regular gentle exercise; keep regular hours and go to sleep at the same time each night; minimize sugar, caffeine, artificial flavorings, and avoid alcohol; eat lots of fresh leafy green vegetables.
 
You might want to read
 
Anhedonia, apathy, demotivation, emotional numbness
 
"Change the channel" -- dealing with cognitive symptoms....
 
The importance of recognizing feeling good

[apathetic]

Hello, apathetic.

 

Your signature says you are "still drinking medications." Are you still taking a drug or drugs? If so, what are they, what are the dosages, and when do you take them?

 

Very commonly, psychiatric drugs deaden feelings. That is how they work. Some people welcome this emotional anesthesia.

 

It does go away, very gradually. This can be very frustrating. 

 

If you are off drugs, you can help your body heal your nervous system with the usual healthy habits: Get regular gentle exercise; keep regular hours and go to sleep at the same time each night; minimize sugar, caffeine, artificial flavorings, and avoid alcohol; eat lots of fresh leafy green vegetables.

 

You might want to read

 

Anhedonia, apathy, demotivation, emotional numbness

 

"Change the channel" -- dealing with cognitive symptoms....

 

The importance of recognizing feeling good

i'm taking escitalopram 10mg for a long time and now aripiprazole 5mg for 17 days already, both in the morning.

thank you, i will read this and try to help myself because now i'm a bit better and can concentrate, which means that i somehow have will to try to get better, which is my "good"... yet it's nowhere near "good", but in this mental state and withdrawal from olanzapine, the drug that actually made me forget who i am and brought me apathy and anhedonia and similar, i can say that this is what a "good" looks like on me.

 

although, i had periods where i was pretty much better than this now in this recovery from withdrawal, but i'm satisfied with this, for now, because i was doing very bad in the past few days.

 

by the way, guys, not all doctors are bad... i'm so sorry if you have bad experiences, because i have a lots of them too, but with my doctor (i don't know if i already said this) we are mainly focused on psychotherapy and we are trying to go with less medications possible.

by the way, my doctor today confirmed me that what i'm experiencing IS a withdrawal from olanzapine.

i'm glad that she's aware of that and tries to help.

 

i also have good news: my concentration is a bit better when it comes to learning new things, reading and similar. i'm grateful for that, but my apathy doesn't let me appreciate me being better, which sucks.

 

but i'm still not encouraging anyone to start taking it, i doubt that the aripiprazole is responsible for this, many people tell that their concentration is worse from taking aripiprazole, i think it's not the medication here. 

 

aripiprazole only made that barrier for emotions disappear, but it's still the same, i still don't feel, i just don't feel the barrier anymore, so it's the same if i'm taking it or not to be honest.

 

i don't know how will this work out.

[Altostrata]

It's very possible you will continue to feel apathetic as long as you're taking substantial amounts of psychiatric drugs, dulling feeling is how they work.

 

Good to hear you're feeling a bit better. This probably is not the time to make drug changes.

[Aeroman]

I agree with Alto.  

 

Anhedonia was my long lasting symptom in wd.  TIME was the answer for me. I didn't take anything to speed it up.  I tried all sorts of natural remedies to no avail.  I must say that this particular symptom tested my patience!!!  But you will get relief from it over time.  In my opinion, it is temporary. 

[apathetic]

that's why i'll probably quit aripiprazole if i don't see any progress after 8 week of using it. i'm using it for almost 3 weeks already.

 

i'm not so well, but not bad either, to be honest. i can see my will getting for a tiny bit better every day, but who knows, maybe my mind's trying to trick me because i can't really understand things on a deeper level, but i, for example, became semi-aware of my current mental state. i wrote an e-mail to my doctor yesterday where i was describing my current symptoms and i didn't describe them that bad.

 

seems like i lack the awareness of not only my mental state, but everything.

 

by "will", i mean will for working on myself and changing, recovering.

i don't know anymore.

 

also, i'm so glad to hear that anhedonia isn't something that will last forever. i hope so! i think that maybe, maybe even in past i have had withdrawal, but without a personality loss, if that's possible.

 

i'm not so sure, but i'm living with mental illnesses and meds for a long time and i surely had good moments even on heavy meds.

[nz11]

If you intend to take it for 8 weeks and then want off i do hope you will consider tapering it.

Even if you wanted off right now at 3 weeks i would hope given your prior drug exposure you taper it.

What does 'still drinking medications' mean? Are you able to clarify with specifics in your drug sig.

[Plshelp]

i dont think what caused the anhedonia will resolve it apathetic. I still feel going off these meds is the only way (at least for me). Give your brain a couple of years to recover from this mess imo. Either way , hope we all get better

Have you recovered from your meds? Any positive insight would be great to hear.

[Plshelp]

I agree with Alto.

 

Anhedonia was my long lasting symptom in wd. TIME was the answer for me. I didn't take anything to speed it up. I tried all sorts of natural remedies to no avail. I must say that this particular symptom tested my patience!!! But you will get relief from it over time. In my opinion, it is temporary.

Aeroman,

 

What drug were you on and did you really get over the anhedonia?

[Plshelp]

that's why i'll probably quit aripiprazole if i don't see any progress after 8 week of using it. i'm using it for almost 3 weeks already.

 

i'm not so well, but not bad either, to be honest. i can see my will getting for a tiny bit better every day, but who knows, maybe my mind's trying to trick me because i can't really understand things on a deeper level, but i, for example, became semi-aware of my current mental state. i wrote an e-mail to my doctor yesterday where i was describing my current symptoms and i didn't describe them that bad.

 

seems like i lack the awareness of not only my mental state, but everything.

 

by "will", i mean will for working on myself and changing, recovering.

i don't know anymore.

 

also, i'm so glad to hear that anhedonia isn't something that will last forever. i hope so! i think that maybe, maybe even in past i have had withdrawal, but without a personality loss, if that's possible.

 

i'm not so sure, but i'm living with mental illnesses and meds for a long time and i surely had good moments even on heavy meds.

Apathetic

 

I'm happy to see your doctor is helping you with psychotherapy. I believe more doctors should focus on that before shoving a pill at us that makes us chemically lobotomized. I'm glad to hear that your doctor also realizes that you were having withdrawal symptoms. I can assure you that you're not alone in not feeling things. I myself don't feel things anymore and my mind is a complete blank. It's an awful feeling and I hope it will go away once I'm off these meds. I look forward to your future posts and hope that you heal and get better.

[Tiedemies]

I was on Olanzapin 5mg/day for about two weeks (together with Sepram 20mg, later Escitalopram 15mg for a few days) before I quit my meds cold turkey. I'm on my sixth week after doing so and I can say that I'm still somehow phlegmatic/emotionally numb compared to what I was like before. I was usually cracking jokes and having fun most of the time, but nowadays I don't seem to be able to just do that spontaneously. I'm rather quiet and serious and don't have much interest in talking to people. It feels more like a chore to interact with anybody and I don't have much interest/joy in doing things I previously liked. I still do them, just without the fulfilment. Also my attention span (which never was that good to begin with) seems to be reduced.

 

The main thing is that I just don't feel like myself. It's like something has changed, but it's hard to point what exactly. When I really give myself in, I start to have regrets like "why did I ever got on the meds", "worst decision ever", "is this my new 'normal'", etc. but even though it's hard, I try to focus on positives. Everything I've read leads me to believe that withdrawal and post-withdrawal effects will vanish in time and there will be a time when all this will be a bad memory. The desensitized receptors start working and your brain can again regulate its neurotransmitters on its own.

 

I've really learnt to appreciate what I had and what I was like before, because basically, I felt a million times better then than now with my withdrawal symptoms, even if I was a little down sometimes. One thing to look out for, is not to become too dependent on checking yourself for symptoms all the time. What I've found for me personally, is that I can think about these things all day long and when they never leave your mind, they never leave your body. It's so easy to identify all kinds of symptoms in yourself when you're constantly looking for them. When I was happy before all of this mess, I wasn't monitoring myself or my health - my attention was on other things and making most of my time.

 

Hope it all gets better for you soon!

[apathetic]

If you intend to take it for 8 weeks and then want off i do hope you will consider tapering it.

Even if you wanted off right now at 3 weeks i would hope given your prior drug exposure you taper it.

What does 'still drinking medications' mean? Are you able to clarify with specifics in your drug sig.

 

never making the same mistake again - cold turkey on a high dose --- olanzapine 15mg/day.

especially because i was psychotic and it would be even worse if i relapsed, but luckily, i didn't, my doctor was very concerned when i stopped taking the med.

i'm sure i'd be much better if i didn't do that.

but generally getting off that drug is a good choice, but definitely not getting off cold turkey.

my doctor tried to take me off it slowly but i wouldn't listen, the symptoms i was experiencing back then were very upsetting and i couldn't take it anymore, so i quit.

horrible idea.

 

here, we're saying "drinking medications" instead of "taking medications" even if it's a tablet, so i made a mistake, i apologize.

i will change it and put my medications in my signature, but currently i'm on escitalopram 10mg/day and aripiprazole 5mg/day.

thanks for caring!

 

 

Apathetic

I'm happy to see your doctor is helping you with psychotherapy. I believe more doctors should focus on that before shoving a pill at us that makes us chemically lobotomized. I'm glad to hear that your doctor also realizes that you were having withdrawal symptoms. I can assure you that you're not alone in not feeling things. I myself don't feel things anymore and my mind is a complete blank. It's an awful feeling and I hope it will go away once I'm off these meds. I look forward to your future posts and hope that you heal and get better.

yes, i guess i'm lucky that i have her. but i needed to change around 5-6 doctors to find the right one.

i can relate to what you're saying, that's why i joined because it seems like many of people on here, almost everyone feels emotionally numb and with a blank mind, and they (us) are having a lot of other awful symptoms also.

but being together makes me feel better, i'm glad to know that i'm not alone in this.

thank you for this message!

 

I was on Olanzapin 5mg/day for about two weeks (together with Sepram 20mg, later Escitalopram 15mg for a few days) before I quit my meds cold turkey. I'm on my sixth week after doing so and I can say that I'm still somehow phlegmatic/emotionally numb compared to what I was like before. I was usually cracking jokes and having fun most of the time, but nowadays I don't seem to be able to just do that spontaneously. I'm rather quiet and serious and don't have much interest in talking to people. It feels more like a chore to interact with anybody and I don't have much interest/joy in doing things I previously liked. I still do them, just without the fulfilment. Also my attention span (which never was that good to begin with) seems to be reduced.

 

The main thing is that I just don't feel like myself. It's like something has changed, but it's hard to point what exactly. When I really give myself in, I start to have regrets like "why did I ever got on the meds", "worst decision ever", "is this my new 'normal'", etc. but even though it's hard, I try to focus on positives. Everything I've read leads me to believe that withdrawal and post-withdrawal effects will vanish in time and there will be a time when all this will be a bad memory. The desensitized receptors start working and your brain can again regulate its neurotransmitters on its own.

 

I've really learnt to appreciate what I had and what I was like before, because basically, I felt a million times better then than now with my withdrawal symptoms, even if I was a little down sometimes. One thing to look out for, is not to become too dependent on checking yourself for symptoms all the time. What I've found for me personally, is that I can think about these things all day long and when they never leave your mind, they never leave your body. It's so easy to identify all kinds of symptoms in yourself when you're constantly looking for them. When I was happy before all of this mess, I wasn't monitoring myself or my health - my attention was on other things and making most of my time.

 

Hope it all gets better for you soon!

i've been dealing with this for about 9-10 months and i can tell that emotions still aren't back, anhedonia is still here, but the brain fog can be pretty much gone in some moments, which is the thing i see that's improving. it's just important that you're not wandering and know what's going on; i was wandering and thought that i had many disorders and that made me feel even worse, that there's absolutely no hope. but now that i've read many success stories on here, that gives me some kind of a hope, you know ?

 

i used to think - well, it happened to them, but it won't happen to me. well, dear me, how can you know that ? i agree, not focusing on symptoms can be really helpful, but at one point i was like --- if i'm not focusing on the symptoms, i'm not focused on anything, because i'm basically without thoughts, so focusing on something in life can be really, really helpful.

 

even forcing yourself to do things can help. to read, to think. i play some brain games, i use many apps for my symptoms...

things can improve, but it's very, very slow.

because i'm still bad, but i have those moments without a brain fog and really good attention, i could notice everything. and no, it isn't because of the new medication, i had those moments even before i started taking it and before i even came here.

 

i was fighting around 7 months without knowing what i was dealing with, and then i found this site. 

 

and about a loss of self... yes, that sadly happened to me too, and to many of us. but you'll realize after some time that you can't do anything about it, but the sense of self will improve when the symptoms improve and you'll start building your new self that you'd like even more than the person you were before. 

 

thank you, i hope you'll get better too!!!

[apathetic]

right now, i don't really feel that bad.
i tried to cry, only couple of tears fell down but i still couldn't feel, at least i felt that wall inside of me, again.
but that only means that i'm becoming more and more aware of what's happening to me; which is actually very good.

every mental state has its benefits; i can describe my previous mental state, the one i was in when i wrote the last couple of posts, was a state of pure not caring about any single thing.

so, what i'm going to do right now ? i'm going to make a list of things of how to help myself while in that mental state of not caring, i hope i would care enough to read it and try to actually understand what i was writing.

i think that my lack of concentration when feeling better (right now i feel better, as i said) is because of insecurity. maybe if i started building my confidence, it could help. i was reading things better, for example, and learning them when i was in that "i don't care about anything" state, i don't know how or why, i probably just didn't care how would i sound, would i be able to do it or similar.

but the thing that has been bothering me for a long time is that i'm somehow better at the evening (in last couple of weeks, even that wasn't happening, i was never aware of the things happening around me) is how to stay goddamn stable ?! because, okay, you go to bed. normal person wakes up and still feels the same. but i feel like i have to try my hardest to get out of that dream-like state, where i'm not aware of anything.

one question: is this dissociation, the thing that i'm experiencing ? i can't even explain it properly. 

but i'm sure that if i was always like i am now, i would build a new personality much faster than having those dream-like moments whole day, and then at the end of the day feeling better and ready to recover, more rational and similar.
maybe this was a wave, maybe this is entering the new window, although my last one (first one) lasted for around couple of days, maybe a week. generally trying to do some normal tasks (mentally) makes me feel really exhausted after short period of time doing them.

hm ? i can just hope that this is a window, or even a beginning of something bigger but i won't tell anything, because i read on here how destructive it can be to think that you're actually recovering that fast and you're suddenly like: "hey, i'm going to be cured very soon!". if it was only that simple... i mean, i don't judge people who are thinking that way, i'm just saying and trying to avoid that kind of thinking because it's a short-term thing and can be so, so destructive when you actually see that things aren't the way you thought they were. that would bring us feelings of disappointment. 

it's important to recognize the truth, the things that are really happening. that's why i'm trying to be rational; it can be extremely helpful.

[Plshelp]

I was on Olanzapin 5mg/day for about two weeks (together with Sepram 20mg, later Escitalopram 15mg for a few days) before I quit my meds cold turkey. I'm on my sixth week after doing so and I can say that I'm still somehow phlegmatic/emotionally numb compared to what I was like before. I was usually cracking jokes and having fun most of the time, but nowadays I don't seem to be able to just do that spontaneously. I'm rather quiet and serious and don't have much interest in talking to people. It feels more like a chore to interact with anybody and I don't have much interest/joy in doing things I previously liked. I still do them, just without the fulfilment. Also my attention span (which never was that good to begin with) seems to be reduced.

 

The main thing is that I just don't feel like myself. It's like something has changed, but it's hard to point what exactly. When I really give myself in, I start to have regrets like "why did I ever got on the meds", "worst decision ever", "is this my new 'normal'", etc. but even though it's hard, I try to focus on positives. Everything I've read leads me to believe that withdrawal and post-withdrawal effects will vanish in time and there will be a time when all this will be a bad memory. The desensitized receptors start working and your brain can again regulate its neurotransmitters on its own.

 

I've really learnt to appreciate what I had and what I was like before, because basically, I felt a million times better then than now with my withdrawal symptoms, even if I was a little down sometimes. One thing to look out for, is not to become too dependent on checking yourself for symptoms all the time. What I've found for me personally, is that I can think about these things all day long and when they never leave your mind, they never leave your body. It's so easy to identify all kinds of symptoms in yourself when you're constantly looking for them. When I was happy before all of this mess, I wasn't monitoring myself or my health - my attention was on other things and making most of my time.

 

Hope it all gets better for you soon!

T,

You were only on olanzapine for 2 weeks and have this? Oh man. That's awful. I really hope this isn't your new normal. How long has it been since you ct'd? I hope that the brain can get back to normal for you, b/c I want the same thing for myself.

[Plshelp]

right now, i don't really feel that bad.

i tried to cry, only couple of tears fell down but i still couldn't feel, at least i felt that wall inside of me, again.

but that only means that i'm becoming more and more aware of what's happening to me; which is actually very good.

 

every mental state has its benefits; i can describe my previous mental state, the one i was in when i wrote the last couple of posts, was a state of pure not caring about any single thing.

 

so, what i'm going to do right now ? i'm going to make a list of things of how to help myself while in that mental state of not caring, i hope i would care enough to read it and try to actually understand what i was writing.

 

i think that my lack of concentration when feeling better (right now i feel better, as i said) is because of insecurity. maybe if i started building my confidence, it could help. i was reading things better, for example, and learning them when i was in that "i don't care about anything" state, i don't know how or why, i probably just didn't care how would i sound, would i be able to do it or similar.

 

but the thing that has been bothering me for a long time is that i'm somehow better at the evening (in last couple of weeks, even that wasn't happening, i was never aware of the things happening around me) is how to stay goddamn stable ?! because, okay, you go to bed. normal person wakes up and still feels the same. but i feel like i have to try my hardest to get out of that dream-like state, where i'm not aware of anything.

 

one question: is this dissociation, the thing that i'm experiencing ? i can't even explain it properly.

 

but i'm sure that if i was always like i am now, i would build a new personality much faster than having those dream-like moments whole day, and then at the end of the day feeling better and ready to recover, more rational and similar.

maybe this was a wave, maybe this is entering the new window, although my last one (first one) lasted for around couple of days, maybe a week. generally trying to do some normal tasks (mentally) makes me feel really exhausted after short period of time doing them.

 

hm ? i can just hope that this is a window, or even a beginning of something bigger but i won't tell anything, because i read on here how destructive it can be to think that you're actually recovering that fast and you're suddenly like: "hey, i'm going to be cured very soon!". if it was only that simple... i mean, i don't judge people who are thinking that way, i'm just saying and trying to avoid that kind of thinking because it's a short-term thing and can be so, so destructive when you actually see that things aren't the way you thought they were. that would bring us feelings of disappointment.

 

it's important to recognize the truth, the things that are really happening. that's why i'm trying to be rational; it can be extremely helpful.

Apathetic,

The fact that you're feeling different in the evenings sounds really positive. I don't know what you mean about being in a dream like state, but I have felt this way since taking these meds. I don't get tired and when I go to sleep I have vivid dreams, wake not feeling refreshed or tired. It's a weird continuation of each successive day. Maybe that's what you're experiencing? Maybe you're feeling that way b/c of the abilify?

[Altostrata]

apathetic, it's highly likely you are feeling side effects of the drugs you are taking now.

 

It's very possible you will continue to feel apathetic as long as you're taking substantial amounts of psychiatric drugs, dulling feeling is how they work.

 

Good to hear you're feeling a bit better. This probably is not the time to make drug changes.

 

Please do your best to accept that you are feeling the effect of the drugs. Do not dramatize this, it will discourage you and confuse you. Look at the reality and make decisions that will help you feel better and manage your life better.

[apathetic]

apathetic, it's highly likely you are feeling side effects of the drugs you are taking now.

 

It's very possible you will continue to feel apathetic as long as you're taking substantial amounts of psychiatric drugs, dulling feeling is how they work.

 

Good to hear you're feeling a bit better. This probably is not the time to make drug changes.

 

Please do your best to accept that you are feeling the effect of the drugs. Do not dramatize this, it will discourage you and confuse you. Look at the reality and make decisions that will help you feel better and manage your life better.

thank you. if i could think properly, i would be much better, but i just can't.

i'm not trying to dramatize anything, i just feel bad.

i hope that it's okay that i use this topic like a diary, that's why i'm writing here almost every day.

i'll make sure to ask for help when i need it, but i think that using this thread to vent would help.

if that's not okay, since i'm still on medications, then i won't.

 

but i have never written about my progress. i will when i catch my mind being in a functional state where i can write properly and when i'm the most realistic possible, because these days i'm definitely not.

i will try to write about how i was when the withdrawal began (august 2016.) and what has improved, but also what is worse.

i hate antipsychotics, yet i crave being understood seriously by my environment because right now, as i don't care about things, i can't really describe anything to anyone because things that i'm experiencing don't really matter to me that much, and i'm repeating myself to everyone i can but nothing really helps because of my inability to find the long term point in things and continuing doing something until it works.

and i seem like i'm okay, but the truth is, i'm not.

but okay, it's the fault of my mental state, but i promised myself to try everything, that's why i tried the new antipsychotic, which i think isn't the really good idea, because i seem worse (to myself). and i think it's the most important how we are seeing ourselves.

i just couldn't handle things that were happening to me, especially obsessions and compulsions.

one symptom gone --- many others that are worse than the previous symptom come.

the mechanism of medications.

 

that's why i stopped feeling offended when people are telling me things like: "but you're crying, laughing, you do feel things!". well... i know that no matter what i'm doing, the sensations and the change of mindset when we feel some emotions still aren't here.

 

it's like someone's trying to tell you: "hey, but you can move your knee, it doesn't hurt you!".

 

the urge to just throw the medications in the trash can is here, but i'm still not doing it, both because i don't really care about anything and because i know that it would bring even the worse withdrawal if i just do that without tapering.

 

sorry for a vent, again, i tend to write a long response because i want to train my brain by thinking and analyzing, that's why i'm always writing such long posts.