apathetic: recovering from olanzapine use

[KarenB]

Cold-turkey could easily throw you into a lot more suffering than you are currently experiencing, and for a lot longer.  It's the most painful road. 

 

What you are actually on now is the Mediumly Painful Road.  Eventually you will ease onto the Less Painful Road, and from there onto the Feeling Pretty Good Road.

 

But not if you take a sudden turn onto the Most Painful Road (aka Cold Turkey Road).   

[apathetic]

14 minutes ago, KarenB said:

Cold-turkey could easily throw you into a lot more suffering than you are currently experiencing, and for a lot longer.  It's the most painful road. 

 

What you are actually on now is the Mediumly Painful Road.  Eventually you will ease onto the Less Painful Road, and from there onto the Feeling Pretty Good Road.

 

But not if you take a sudden turn onto the Most Painful Road (aka Cold Turkey Road).   

Thank you so much. I'm going to print that and put it in my room, to remind me constantly. Now I'm going to take my dose.
Good night and thank you endlessly again.

[apathetic]

What has changed since i reduced my dose:

- had a better moment yesterday, could talk about deeper things and write properly
- that zombified feeling isn’t that intense anymore and I’m not every day like I just woke up, whole day

What didn't change:

- don’t know what to think and how to think; I don’t have formed opinions on anything after the supplement/ginkgo usage
- smoking intensively, don’t know if it’s connected to the medication
- feelings of emptiness and emotional anesthesia

What to improve while reducing my dose:

- more physical activity – walking, exercising at the gym, starting to ride a bike
- less smoking
- less carbohydrates and sugar, because basically my diet is based on them which I know is not good
- working on DBT and myself in general, since I haven’t for a long time
- sleeping on time, because at the evening I feel better and don't want it to end and to go to sleep 

I can do this.

P.S. I heard that people who are using antipsychotics tend to smoke a lot. I guess it's because of the lowered dopamine (cigarettes are stimulants), I think that it can be a part of withdrawal also (because we all have low dopamine and unstable neurotransmitters). My dopamine is very low and I guess that I'm smoking more because unconsciously I want to raise my dopamine. Just my theory, doesn't have to be true, and I'm younger and shouldn't be smoking this much.

[apathetic]

I'm scared of tapering. I planned to reduce my dose on 4th of July. I'm not feeling that good neither that bad, but I'm scared that I might get cognitively worse than I currently am when I taper to the next dose, which, sadly, can't be bigger than 7.5mg. I don't know if I'm doing it right, but I don't have any other options left when it comes to the dose. Anyways, that's 1.25mg less, which is not THAT bad I guess.

 

But I'm scared because previous time, when I tapered on the wrong way and went from 5mg to 2.5mg, I threw up, and I'm really scared of throwing up, that's the fear that didn't fade away from my childhood to now. This time it may not be the same since I'm doing it much slower, but still... Although, I didn't have any problems when I firstly reduced my dose.

 

Maybe I can prepare myself by buying some probiotics just in case, starting eating a bit more healthier (which I'm already doing, but it could be better) and yes, I'm already exercising, and back then I wasn't. 

I'm trying to take care of myself as much as I can if I'm already not functional mentally.

Just venting.

[KarenB]

Is the liquid escitalopram available where you are?  If not you can make your own:  tips-for-tapering-off-lexapro-escitalopram

[apathetic]

2 minutes ago, KarenB said:

Is the liquid escitalopram available where you are?  If not you can make your own:  tips-for-tapering-off-lexapro-escitalopram

I'm firstly reducing aripiprazole and when I get off it and stabilize enough, I'm starting tapering from escitalopram. There isn't liquid form of the medication where I live, I think. But I can try and search about it. Anyways, I can't make my own because my parents would be suspicious, so I can only cut the pill and the pill is small, and I'm not that old.

But I've heard that liquid aripiprazole exists but I don't know if it does in my country, I'll ask my doctor about it.

 

Thank you.

[apathetic]

[deleted]

i wrote a bunch of stupid things. i was in the middle of a breakdown. this night i'll only reduce, not quit cold turkey. i'm so sorry for the drama.

Edited June 27, 2017 by apathetic

[KarenB]

Hope you're feeling better this morning.  Sounds like things have gotten pretty rough.  You might like to wait until you feel calmer before making a reduction.  How much are you thinking of reducing by? 

[apathetic]

11 hours ago, KarenB said:

Hope you're feeling better this morning.  Sounds like things have gotten pretty rough.  You might like to wait until you feel calmer before making a reduction.  How much are you thinking of reducing by? 

I am, thank you. The reason behind my breakdown is actually the effect of the drug on me and how stupid I've become because of it. I reduced for around 14%, which I know isn't good but I can't reduce dose for less than 1.25mg. So I'm going from 8.75mg to 7.5mg. 

[apathetic]

Feeling that you have other's support can be so stimulating, but in a good way.

In the past, I've never believed when people were telling me that there is hope, it didn't mean anything to me. But right now, it feels good to hear that there is hope, even from some stranger who doesn't even understand or know about my situation, it can feel good when someone says in general: "There is hope".

Then, I start visualizing how things would look like if I was better, and damn, that feels good! It feels good because when you're visualizing, you, even for a second, feel like that's true and like your personality is back, like things are better, like you're there. Even one tiny second can give you hope.

 

Visualizing is really important, it has helped me during my recovery a lot, it has helped me to keep going no matter what. I hope that one day, I'll write my recovery story on here. That day will come.

 

And I don't want to leave people suffering, because this type of suffering is the worst one I've ever experienced in my life. I'm imagining myself answering on every question to people on here who are feeling completely hopeless and mentally dead for months. People who are new to this and came here completely confused. And I would try to be as detailed as possible.

 

I just want to tell that I love this community so much, it's full of support. Thank you for existing, my suffering would be much, much worse and I would wander and probably be worse and believe that those are my symptoms and that it's not because of the medications and then I'd try another one and another one... You don't know how important the existence of this site is.

Just one big thank you. To everyone. Just... just thank you.

[KarenB]

On 6/28/2017 at 10:23 PM, apathetic said:

I reduced for around 14%, which I know isn't good but I can't reduce dose for less than 1.25mg. So I'm going from 8.75mg to 7.5mg. 

 

Your signature says you did this reduction on 27th June, after reducing a few weeks before that on the 14 June.  This is much faster than we recommend, especially with the larger reductions you are making.  If you were already feeling unsettled before your second reduction, it really might be a good idea to up-dose to 8.75.  You are risking worsening w/d symptoms by going so fast.  

 

Would your parents be open to reading some information, so they could help you taper safely with the liquid?   

 

tips-for-tapering-off-abilify-aripiprazole

[apathetic]

11 hours ago, KarenB said:

 

Your signature says you did this reduction on 27th June, after reducing a few weeks before that on the 14 June.  This is much faster than we recommend, especially with the larger reductions you are making.  If you were already feeling unsettled before your second reduction, it really might be a good idea to up-dose to 8.75.  You are risking worsening w/d symptoms by going so fast.  

 

Would your parents be open to reading some information, so they could help you taper safely with the liquid?   

 

tips-for-tapering-off-abilify-aripiprazole

I will try showing them this when I can and feel ready enough to share this with them. On the other hand, I talked with my doctor about withdrawal syndrome and she's concerned, so she also wants me to taper safely and is, I guess, supporting my idea of getting off aripiprazole, it seems like she wants to help me. She told me to tell her when I get to smaller doses where I need to taper and take minimal doses.

I'm tapering a bit faster because it's a summer break here and imagine how would I feel if I ruined it with tapering... I'm sorry. I know that you're telling me this because of my own mental health and because of my own brain, but I just feel bad that I will already, even if I'm tapering faster, spend my summer break tapering and being a zombie. For now, I don't feel that bad and haven't noticed any withdrawal symptoms that are bothering me that much.

 

I don't feel that bad, actually. Neither good, of course, but I'm getting better as I'm reducing and can think clearer.
I have moments (read: whole day) when I can't understand what others are saying. But I just have the feeling that it will get better.

Thank you.

[rupa]

Dear Apathetic

I have tapered from 10 mg of olanzapine.

Every 4 weeks one reduction.

My taper went smooth.

I suggest you to go with immense patience.

Hurrying will land you at reinstatement.

[apathetic]

On 7/1/2017 at 4:41 AM, rupa said:

Dear Apathetic

I have tapered from 10 mg of olanzapine.

Every 4 weeks one reduction.

My taper went smooth.

I suggest you to go with immense patience.

Hurrying will land you at reinstatement.

You're right, thank you rupa.

It's hard to wait, I'm young and I want a good summer break this time. The reduction of the dose didn't bother me this time and I hope it wouldn't in the future, my mind's only a bit clearer, and when I say a bit, I mean a tiny bit which is not even close to enough for functioning properly mentally. I have a support of my doctor who is concerned about me having a withdrawal syndrome and wants to help me do it. I'll try doing it this way and see what happens; If I feel worsening of the symptoms, I'll stay on the dose longer. I'm one big nothing on this medication, but I know it's the medication, not me. Couple days ago I could just feel the effect and the fog that the medication brought me after taking it. I read here to notice the symptoms you're having once you take the med. I just hate it so much. It's mentally paralyzing.

Thank you for your concern, I appreciate it.

[dj2010]

I thought it would be impossible to get off quitiapine and olanzapine, I have been on either 1 of them for the last 15 years, I have now been off them for 5 months and starting to feel good again except for some recent sleep problems that I think is down to venlafaxine withdrawal, definitely doing a very slow taper is the key, only drop your dose again once you feel fully stable,

[rupa]

Dj2010,

How are you managing sleep?

What are you using for sleep?

Please reply.

[dj2010]

Hi Rupa,

 

I am sleeping without taking anything which I thought would be impossible 6 months ago, a few nights ago I had to take 10mg of diazepam, please see the post I started a few days ago about this:

 

Since then the last few nights I have been getting 6 - 8 hours sleep and i am feeling great and going to the gym, hopefully it will stay this way and the insomnia will not return,

 

I do however have to fall asleep while watching the tv at the moment, I set the tv on a sleep timer, I am also using a sleep mask,

 

Please let me know if you have any questions,

 

Thanks

 

 

[apathetic]

I need your opinion on what my doctor told me.

I'm currently on 7.5mg of aripiprazole. My doctor told me that I don't look that well and that she'd like me to reduce the dose for 2.5mg, which is a very big reduction, but she knows about withdrawal syndrome and how it affects me and she thinks that the medication is only worsening my symptoms, like a lot. She also told me that, if I decide to go on 5mg (which is 2.5mg less than my current dose), that I should be on it longer until I stabilize, and that's around 4-6 weeks or even more if needed.

I don't know what to think about it; I really am very unwell on this dose and no, it's not because of the reduction, I was generally unwell on this medication and didn't feel any specific withdrawal symptoms on it even though that my reductions were bigger and that my tapering was faster. I didn't have any symptoms besides the brain fog all the time, and as I'm reducing the dose, the brain fog gets better.

My personality disorder plays the huge part here; I did lose myself and my personality, but I have almost all the symptoms of borderline personality disorder (I've been having symptoms of it when I wasn't on any type of medication, so I know that's what I really do have and I'm diagnosed with it for years) and some of them are really intense, and as I said, medication is worsening it and that's why my doctor thinks that I should reduce.

To listen to her or not ? 

So, to summarize, I don't have any symptoms of withdrawal besides the brain fog, anhedonia and apathy that is caused by the medication usage; But the brain fog doesn't let me to recognize apathy and anheodnia, to let me be bothered by those symptoms, and all of the other symptoms that I have are NOT part of the withdrawal (I said that, not the doctor, I can just recognize). I don't suffer from insomnia, lack of appetite, any type of symptoms of an anxiety disorder, depressive episode, manic episode or psychotic episode and I don't have any physical problems anymore.

The symptoms of my personality disorder are severe abandonment issues aka phobia of abandonment, feelings of complete boredom and emptiness, identity disturbance that represents itself as lessened ego boundaries, stress-related paranoid thoughts and many other symptoms. And I've been having all of these symptoms my whole life and that's how I know it's not the withdrawal here.

She says that it's safe to reduce this much, but ONLY AND JUST ONLY if I stay on it longer than a month.

I need your opinion on all of this.
Thanks in advance

[apathetic]

On 7/3/2017 at 2:55 PM, apathetic said:

I need your opinion on what my doctor told me.

I'm currently on 7.5mg of aripiprazole. My doctor told me that I don't look that well and that she'd like me to reduce the dose for 2.5mg, which is a very big reduction, but she knows about withdrawal syndrome and how it affects me and she thinks that the medication is only worsening my symptoms, like a lot. She also told me that, if I decide to go on 5mg (which is 2.5mg less than my current dose), that I should be on it longer until I stabilize, and that's around 4-6 weeks or even more if needed.

I don't know what to think about it; I really am very unwell on this dose and no, it's not because of the reduction, I was generally unwell on this medication and didn't feel any specific withdrawal symptoms on it even though that my reductions were bigger and that my tapering was faster. I didn't have any symptoms besides the brain fog all the time, and as I'm reducing the dose, the brain fog gets better.

My personality disorder plays the huge part here; I did lose myself and my personality, but I have almost all the symptoms of borderline personality disorder (I've been having symptoms of it when I wasn't on any type of medication, so I know that's what I really do have and I'm diagnosed with it for years) and some of them are really intense, and as I said, medication is worsening it and that's why my doctor thinks that I should reduce.

To listen to her or not ? 

So, to summarize, I don't have any symptoms of withdrawal besides the brain fog, anhedonia and apathy that is caused by the medication usage; But the brain fog doesn't let me to recognize apathy and anheodnia, to let me be bothered by those symptoms, and all of the other symptoms that I have are NOT part of the withdrawal (I said that, not the doctor, I can just recognize). I don't suffer from insomnia, lack of appetite, any type of symptoms of an anxiety disorder, depressive episode, manic episode or psychotic episode and I don't have any physical problems anymore.

The symptoms of my personality disorder are severe abandonment issues aka phobia of abandonment, feelings of complete boredom and emptiness, identity disturbance that represents itself as lessened ego boundaries, stress-related paranoid thoughts and many other symptoms. And I've been having all of these symptoms my whole life and that's how I know it's not the withdrawal here.

She says that it's safe to reduce this much, but ONLY AND JUST ONLY if I stay on it longer than a month.

I need your opinion on all of this.
Thanks in advance

I listened to her and did that. Now I'm going to stay on this dose longer than a month to stabilize. I don't feel worse, which is good, I can even say that I'm a tiny bit better.
When I compare myself now, on 5mg, and myself on 10mg, I can see a difference and I'm better.
The fog was awful.
It'll all be better when I get off. Now, waiting to get off isn't that unbearable.

[apathetic]

Check-in.

 

I clearly see the medication effect on my mind, and thank god that finally something is clear in my mind actually.

This night, I've had some obsessions and compulsions, and it's definitely withdrawal (never had obsessions & compulsions before w/d + they're intense), I just don't have emotional reaction on my obsessions. Compulsions were mostly mental ones, but I feel like it was all forced including the emotional reaction on it, I was trying to seem like it's bothering me in my mind, and it actually is bothering me somewhere deep inside, but the medication is stopping me from caring that much and seeing it clearer.

 

My obsessions, through withdrawal, were mostly connected to death. "If the carpet isn't on that and that way, I'm going to die".
Yeah, sure, that kind of thing determines my death.
Also, I have awful things in my mind, they're so awful that I don't even want to write them. They're about dying and are very depressing.

Just needed to document this, it's important to me. It isn't stressing me out to be honest, because I can't have any emotional reaction on it, as I said, because of the medication.
That's the reason why will I stay longer on this dose, since it was a big reduction.

 

This only reminded me of how disgusting, disturbing and awful an actual withdrawal is and why shouldn't I quit cold turkey or reduce it faster/have a bigger reduction.

[apathetic]

I'm slowly overcoming this episode of intense boredom and feeling like everything is pointless. This night, I'm not feeling that empty, which is very good.
Finally in the mood to start reading the self-help book and not quit until I'm done. Things aren't getting better, they can't be good while on meds. And I take that pill every night knowing that it will make me less aware of myself and the world around me, more empty, more everything that's bad, bad, bad...

Nights are again getting better, but like for a tiny bit. Tiny tiny tiny bit. Which is still some kind of an improvement, right ? Things are bearable, people love talking to me, people are giving me compliments, it's just me not feeling anything about it and not being able to appreciate them... Ahh, I guess that I got used to the apathy. Whatever! It'll be gone one day, but I'm always choosing the option to solve the current main problem, apathy is just like following all of the problems that are becoming the main ones.

This episode is (and soon I will be able to say "was" ) disgusting. Like every other one. But as I said, as I'm reducing the dose - things are getting better, but better in a way that I'm becoming more and more mentally functional which definitely doesn't mean that I'm "good", and I hate it when people tell me that I look "good" when I feel like sh*t.

Anyways... It's hard to care sometimes. Even about things that every normal person on this world cares about. And my reaction is even worse - "whatever", to everything that happens. I don't know. Whatever...

[apathetic]

I reduced the dose this night. My doctor believes that I need to get off this medication and I would also like to get off of it as soon as possible, so I'm making bigger reductions, but now I'm careful when it comes to when I'm making a reduction. This time, I waited 4 weeks until I made this reduction to 2.5mg. I can't do this anymore, it's ruining me, this medication... It's an antipsychotic, and they have the worst side-effects possible. But the good thing is that, so far, I haven't had any withdrawal symptoms, all of the things I'm feeling are side-effects of the medication.

I am going to write here what changes am I noticing, they usually appear after a few days or after a week.

[apathetic]

I need some help, dear people.

My doctor told me to immediately increase the dosage of my medication (antipsychotic). I feel almost the same like I've felt when I was psychotic for the first time.

Haven't slept whole night, then slept from 7AM to 2PM. Barely ate today. At 4AM I felt like something suddenly changed, after crying.
I'm not recognizing any "weird" thoughts and I'm not hallucinating. 

I am showing almost every warning sign of a relapse of psychotic episode. Thank god I'm aware that something is wrong and that I contacted my doctor.

 

Even if I don't succeed in prevention of psychosis, and I feel all weird, not scared of it at all to be honest (it's definitely not the obsessive thought here), how to survive it and is it possible to survive it without medications ?

Edited August 11, 2017 by scallywag
merged topics

[powerback]

50 minutes ago, apathetic said:

I need some help, dear people.

My doctor told me to immediately increase the dosage of my medication (antipsychotic). I feel almost the same like I've felt when I was psychotic for the first time.

Haven't slept whole night, then slept from 7AM to 2PM. Barely ate today. At 4AM I felt like something suddenly changed, after crying.
I'm not recognizing any "weird" thoughts and I'm not hallucinating. 

I am showing almost every warning sign of a relapse of psychotic episode. Thank god I'm aware that something is wrong and that I contacted my doctor.

 

Even if I don't succeed in prevention of psychosis, and I feel all weird, not scared of it at all to be honest (it's definitely not the obsessive thought here), how to survive it and is it possible to survive it without medications ?

hi A ,have you watched any of will halls videos on YouTube,he has a history and background  in psychosis ,you mite get so comfort from watching him .

I'm out of my depth but I've watched he's videos and conference .

hope you well soon

respect

PB

[scallywag]

apathetic, I think that either I or another moderator have suggested that the taper rate posted in your signature is likely to induce symptoms.  Is it possible for you to slow down?

 

FYI -- we'll move this post and your question to your introduction topic so that all your questions and the responses are in one place.  This site works in a different manner than other forums you may use. It's an informational site so we prefer that you search for and post in existing topics on symptoms and self-care tools.  Please post questions and updates about your situation in your introduction instead of starting new topics.

 

apathetic's introduction topic.

[apathetic]

On 8/11/2017 at 2:54 AM, scallywag said:

apathetic, I think that either I or another moderator have suggested that the taper rate posted in your signature is likely to induce symptoms.  Is it possible for you to slow down?

 

FYI -- we'll move this post and your question to your introduction topic so that all your questions and the responses are in one place.  This site works in a different manner than other forums you may use. It's an informational site so we prefer that you search for and post in existing topics on symptoms and self-care tools.  Please post questions and updates about your situation in your introduction instead of starting new topics.

 

apathetic's introduction topic.

I am sorry, I won't do that anymore, from now on I will write in existing topics or here.

I know that tapering that fast can induce symptoms, but thankfully, I don't have psychotic symptoms anymore, it was just a moment, and I didn't updose my antipsychotic. I am very close to quitting the medication, and I don't want to slow down because the way antipsychotic makes me feel is horrible. I'm sorry, I probably don't have any right to talk about my struggles if I am not following the rules for tapering.

[scallywag]

You have the right to talk about your struggles.  We'll just keep reminding you to slow down.

 

Another member who is tapering an anti-psychotic drug posted that she didn't notice symptoms until at least 3 weeks after the dose reduction. Please, please consider holding at your current dose for at least 6 weeks; 3 months would be better.

Edited August 13, 2017 by scallywag
add 2nd paragraph

[apathetic]

1 hour ago, scallywag said:

You have the right to talk about your struggles.  We'll just keep reminding you to slow down.

 

Another member who is tapering an anti-psychotic drug posted that she didn't notice symptoms until at least 3 weeks after the dose reduction. Please, please consider holding at your current dose for at least 6 weeks; 3 months would be better.

Thank you! I mentioned that I'm young. The thing is, school is starting soon (beginning of September). The fact that there will be all the people there watching me like this, that I have to talk to people, that I have to participate in classes while not being able to think properly, or generally studying while being like this is concerning me. My whole summer break was being in brain fog doing nothing, experiencing nothing, which is my fault and that's also why I want to quit earlier.

Plus, my doctor is telling me that we can do it on this way and she sounds like she knows what she is doing. I know that it's not smart at all to quit medication like this, side-effects are becoming slowly better in the terms of me not feeling them that much anymore, but my confusion still isn't gone. The main reason why she and I want to quit the medication as soon as possible is because of my functionality at school, because she thinks that I'm dysfunctional on this medication.

 

Although, I can try. I really can. On our next session, I will read her some things that are written on here and your advice (if you allow me), because she is okay with that (we are talking about my withdrawal without any problems). She agrees that I'm experiencing withdrawal, and the only reason she wants me to get off medications and do it on this way is because of school, as I mentioned. She also agrees that I have to be careful with medications now, and supports how careful I was at the beginning, and she will probably support this idea of staying 4 more weeks on this dose too.

 

Also, the reason I'm visiting my therapist is because I have borderline personality disorder, and personality disorders are being developed in early childhood, so I am 100% sure that it's not caused by withdrawal. I have intense fear, even phobia of abandonment, black and white thinking patterns, self-harm urges, I feel empty inside and I don't really know who I am, and those symptoms were following me through my whole life (and many others), but now they're even more intense, especially the last two as I'm experiencing withdrawal, which is I guess coming both from my personality disorder and withdrawal syndrome. And the thing that I've lost my personality during withdrawal is horrifying to me, because that's the thing that I was building slowly through the recovery process and now I have to do it again, with even more difficulties than before.

 

Sorry for such a long reply, I was just feeling like this community doesn't like me at all and I was scared to talk about all of this. Now I see that you actually do care about us and our brains, healing, which means a lot to me and others, I believe.

 

Thank you again.

[powerback]

43 minutes ago, apathetic said:

Thank you! I mentioned that I'm young. The thing is, school is starting soon (beginning of September). The fact that there will be all the people there watching me like this, that I have to talk to people, that I have to participate in classes while not being able to think properly, or generally studying while being like this is concerning me. My whole summer break was being in brain fog doing nothing, experiencing nothing, which is my fault and that's also why I want to quit earlier.

Plus, my doctor is telling me that we can do it on this way and she sounds like she knows what she is doing. I know that it's not smart at all to quit medication like this, side-effects are becoming slowly better in the terms of me not feeling them that much anymore, but my confusion still isn't gone. The main reason why she and I want to quit the medication as soon as possible is because of my functionality at school, because she thinks that I'm dysfunctional on this medication.

 

Although, I can try. I really can. On our next session, I will read her some things that are written on here and your advice (if you allow me), because she is okay with that (we are talking about my withdrawal without any problems). She agrees that I'm experiencing withdrawal, and the only reason she wants me to get off medications and do it on this way is because of school, as I mentioned. She also agrees that I have to be careful with medications now, and supports how careful I was at the beginning, and she will probably support this idea of staying 4 more weeks on this dose too.

 

Also, the reason I'm visiting my therapist is because I have borderline personality disorder, and personality disorders are being developed in early childhood, so I am 100% sure that it's not caused by withdrawal. I have intense fear, even phobia of abandonment, black and white thinking patterns, self-harm urges, I feel empty inside and I don't really know who I am, and those symptoms were following me through my whole life (and many others), but now they're even more intense, especially the last two as I'm experiencing withdrawal, which is I guess coming both from my personality disorder and withdrawal syndrome. And the thing that I've lost my personality during withdrawal is horrifying to me, because that's the thing that I was building slowly through the recovery process and now I have to do it again, with even more difficulties than before.

 

Sorry for such a long reply, I was just feeling like this community doesn't like me at all and I was scared to talk about all of this. Now I see that you actually do care about us and our brains, healing, which means a lot to me and others, I believe.

 

Thank you again.

your welcome here and good to have you  don't ever think other wise.

When we all recover we will have the advantage of coming through adversity .

Be safe and kind to yourself .

PB

[scallywag]

I've just read all your posts in this thread and realize we don't have the dates about when you started to take olanzapine and when you stopped taking it "cold turkey." Please edit your signature and post those dates.

 

It's possible that you experienced delayed onset of withdrawal from your jump off olanzapine and that aripiprazole has done little to mitigate the symptoms. In the posts I've quoted below, you mention a few things that may be clues to supporting this hypothesis. At any rate, post your dates and doses of olanzapine and maybe we'll see something.

 

On 2017-05-17 at 9:44 AM, apathetic said:

 

never making the same mistake again - cold turkey on a high dose --- olanzapine 15mg/day. ...

 

... currently i'm on escitalopram 10mg/day and aripiprazole 5mg/day.  thanks for caring!

 

...

i can relate to what you're saying, that's why i joined because it seems like many of people on here, almost everyone feels emotionally numb and with a blank mind, and they (us) are having a lot of other awful symptoms also.

but being together makes me feel better, i'm glad to know that i'm not alone in this.

thank you for this message!

 

i've been dealing with this for about 9-10 months and i can tell that emotions still aren't back, anhedonia is still here, but the brain fog can be pretty much gone in some moments, which is the thing i see that's improving. it's just important that you're not wandering and know what's going on; i was wandering and thought that i had many disorders and that made me feel even worse, that there's absolutely no hope. but now that i've read many success stories on here, that gives me some kind of a hope, you know ?

...

 

On 2017-05-24 at 5:18 PM, apathetic said:

...

for example, what i did was reading something and memorizing it (i'm trying to learn a new language on my own), and now that i'm trying to memorize something new, i can't remember what did i actually study before. i mean, i can remember when i read it, like "yeeeah that was it", maybe even my mind's trying to trick me that i remember it, but i'm not really able to repeat what i was studying, i just forgot let's say. i need to read it again to remember anything, because i forgot everything. i can't really describe the feeling, i don't know if you, dear people, understand what i'm trying to say.

 

it's like i'm in a completely different mindset and can't remember the previous mindset. maybe that's not even a mindset, let's just call it better cognitive function. ...

 

the thing is, when i quit olanzapine, after some time i WAS able to form my own thoughts. now it seems like i'm only having subconscious ones, we all do when we say that "we don't have thoughts", it only means that we don't have it on a conscious level. my strategy back then was to recognize subconscious thoughts and recongize those that are unhelpful (irrational) and try to change them. somehow, i started forming thoughts and mind, but i can say one thing --- it definitely takes time. it took me a couple of months for forming thoughts, with a lots of effort because i was so worried about my brain and mental health that i just felt like this:

 

[apathetic]

12 minutes ago, scallywag said:

I've just read all your posts in this thread and realize we don't have the dates about when you started to take olanzapine and when you stopped taking it "cold turkey." Please edit your signature and post those dates.

 

It's possible that you experienced delayed onset of withdrawal from your jump off olanzapine and that aripiprazole has done little to mitigate the symptoms. In the posts I've quoted below, you mention a few things that may be clues to supporting this hypothesis. At any rate, post your dates and doses of olanzapine and maybe we'll see something.

Done. I've been dealing with the same symptoms for a year, but when I officially quit olanzapine all of a sudden (January 2017.), I was off medications until the beginning of the May 2017. with one exception when I was, I don't remember when, taking olanzapine for one week (couple of days 5mg, then couple of days 2.5mg and then quit suddenly again), and then in May 2017. was the time where I couldn't handle the symptoms anymore, which were severe and were worsening, which is the reason why I started taking aripiprazole. Back then (when I was taking the olanzapine again and then quitting it again) I wasn't registered to the site.

[scallywag]

When did you start taking olanzapine? Please add that, as best as you can remember, to your signature as well.

[apathetic]

1 minute ago, scallywag said:

When did you start taking olanzapine? Please add that, as best as you can remember, to your signature as well.

 

Done. I only remember that it was in 2015, but I don't know when. I became psychotic for the first time in June 2016. even though I was on antipsychotic, then it was updosed and so on (it's all added).

[apathetic]

Hello, dear people.

I can't take it anymore. I'm dealing with borderline personality disorder and I'm trying to get off the medications. I don't know if this is withdrawal or BPD, but something is very wrong. I'm tapering an atypical antipsychotic, aripiprazole on a wrong way because my school starts soon and I don't want to be on meds because of my functionality. The thing is that, as I'm tapering, my BPD symptoms are becoming worse. Tell me please, is this withdrawal or BPD ?

- aggressiveness (yesterday broke a trash can because one person didn't answer me immediately)
- having intense fear of abandonment, as you can see from the previous example
- being very clingy
- having a constant brain fog, not understanding things around me
- feeling empty inside all the time, neither happy neither sad, just empty

And I can't survive with those symptoms, I feel like I'm going crazy and I'm not sane enough for psychotherapy. I feel like I seriously need medications but not antipsychotics, and I've been thinking about starting Lamictal 12.5mg because I've read on the forum that it can be helpful, but hey what if I'll make another mistake ? What if I become even worse ? What if nothing changes ?

I'm in a horrible state right now and don't know what to do at all. My doctor isn't that helpful, I can't do any psychotherapy online because I just don't care enough about healing because of that emptiness, but at the same time I want to heal so badly but I feel like I'm unable to so I have no idea what to do. Someone please help.

____________________________________________

That is how I felt today, when I wrote this. Now, that it's night, I feel a bit better because I was hanging out with a friend.
I felt really horrible and I don't know will it come back.
Decided to listen to my doctor's instructions, because I can't handle the brain fog that I have on the medication, it makes me do stupid things when I'm with people and generally look stupid. I used to be smart, and I was after 4 months off olanzapine.

What about seeing how it goes without medications, and then to get back on some dose if I feel bad again ? I don't know what else can I do. I know this is a stupid decision, but I cannot handle this anymore.

 

My question again is: Is this withdrawal or my BPD ? Asking because I've never seen a person who's experiencing withdrawal to have pathological fear of abandonment, which I've always had.

[powerback]

Hi A ,no one can decide meds but you ,your the one living it [no help I know].

I will tell you that I'm experiencing very serious symptoms on a micro taper .

this morning was horrific with aggression ,I punched the door ,but that's it ,no one hurt ,didn't do it in public ,ok you damaged a trash can ,but do you believe or worry you'd hurt someone .our minds can run wild .

can you find a positive outlet for the aggression [a punch bag ].

not for one second have I ever thought ide be a danger to anyone because under my drug spell and withdrawl I believe theres a decent kind person .

have you ever tried thinking that yourself ,be kind and sympathetic  to your recovery ,

I've looked into the abandonment  feeling myself ,and I practice being mindful and conscious of that feeling and then it passes .

Apologies if I offend you but the BPD has that been diagnosed properly ,I'm personally sceptical about everything in the DSM .

am I write in saying if you have this diagnosis your doctor is saying lets try without meds ,is the doctor not contradicting themselves .

Respect

PB

[apathetic]

2 hours ago, powerback said:

Hi A ,no one can decide meds but you ,your the one living it [no help I know].

I will tell you that I'm experiencing very serious symptoms on a micro taper .

this morning was horrific with aggression ,I punched the door ,but that's it ,no one hurt ,didn't do it in public ,ok you damaged a trash can ,but do you believe or worry you'd hurt someone .our minds can run wild .

can you find a positive outlet for the aggression [a punch bag ].

not for one second have I ever thought ide be a danger to anyone because under my drug spell and withdrawl I believe theres a decent kind person .

have you ever tried thinking that yourself ,be kind and sympathetic  to your recovery ,

I've looked into the abandonment  feeling myself ,and I practice being mindful and conscious of that feeling and then it passes .

Apologies if I offend you but the BPD has that been diagnosed properly ,I'm personally sceptical about everything in the DSM .

am I write in saying if you have this diagnosis your doctor is saying lets try without meds ,is the doctor not contradicting themselves .

Respect

PB

 

Hey PB,

I'm sorry that you're experiencing severe symptoms on micro taper.

 

Thank you for trying to help me, I truly appreciate it and I will try what you've told me. Being mindful of our emotions can help us a lot, as you said, which is what I am trying to do and not let them control me.

I don't want to discuss my diagnosis, but I'm 100% sure that it's true, since personality disorders are different from the other mental disorders.

 

I hope that the both of us will be alright. Thanks again!