SadDoll

SadDoll

80 posts in this topic

Hiya, I'm Laur

 

I dont know where to start. I'm new, kinda. I've been a lurker on this site on and off since 2015 but I've never joined until now. 

 

I'm a 24 year old woman from Ireland who was put on antidepressants when I was 18/19 for OCD, depression and suicidal tendancies. I was first given 20mg of lustral in late 2011 and it didnt affect my sex drive or emotions in any way. I didnt take them everyday though, I forgot a lot of the time.

 

Then in late 2013 I was switched to 150mg of lustral. I dont think I took them every day either until I made an effort to take them regularly only to quit them one day out of the blue cold turkey sometime in early 2014.

 

 

 

Stupid, I know. At the time I was constantly either stoned and/or drunk so I wasn't very responsible, to say the least.

 

On top of this, I was binge drinking a lot, a few nights a week, and smoking weed nearly everyday from late 2012- 2016 as well as being constantly dependant on a dangerous recreational drug for about a year in 2013. Oh and I wasnt eating properly, so my nutrition was bad on top of this.

 

Anyway, I haven't touched an antidepressant since Spring of 2014 but I have absolutely no libido to speak of, as well as no pleasure 'down there'.

 

Sex for me feels like nothing at all every single time. No arousal. No sensation. I think maybe once or twice I had some slight sexual feeling with an ex boyfriend sometime last year. But it wasn't anywhere near my sexual function pre PSSD.

 

On top of this, I worry so much that I wont be able to fall in love, that I'm incapable of romantic feeling.

 

This bothers me the most because that has been my fear for about 5 years now. And I read online that antidepressants destroy your romantic feelings forever.

 

I dont know how true that is, but it makes me want to die. Ironically, that is what my OCD focused on. The fear of never falling in love. So the doctors presribed me a higher dose of a new pill.

 I feel like I'm trapped in my own worst nightmare and I feel anhedonic and dead inside.

 

I'm reluctant to post here as I dont want to make anyone feel hopeless from my story. And I'm afraid of other people's stories making me feel even more hopeless.

 

I'm down in the depths of hell here. I feel empty and broken and incapable of love and feeling anything positive at all.

 

Please, can someone offer me some hope? I feel like the fact that I was on a very high dosage (150mg), constantly high for the best part of 4 years, dependant on alcohol, plus a history of past substance abuse, PLUS the fact that I quit cold turkey means that I dont have any hope of recovering. 

I cant recall what it feels like to feel aroused and I cant imagine ever getting better.

 

Please no negative comments as I'm very suicidal as it is

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I cant do this anymor.e. I'm going to kill myself. 

 

I dont know where to start. My last post got deleted and I'm an absolute waste of oxegen that has nowhere to turn to. 

 

I'm a 24 year old woman from Ireland who was put on antidepressants when I was 18/19 for OCD, depression and suicidal tendancies. I was first given 20mg of lustral in late 2011 and it didnt affect my sex drive or emotions in any way. I didnt take them everyday though, I forgot a lot of the time.

 

Then in late 2013 I was switched to 150mg of lustral. I dont think I took them every day either until I made an effort to take them regularly only to quit them one day out of the blue cold turkey sometime in early 2014.

 

 

 

Stupid, I know. At the time I was constantly either stoned and/or drunk so I wasn't very responsible, to say the least.

 

On top of this, I was binge drinking a lot, a few nights a week, and smoking weed nearly everyday from late 2012- 2016 as well as being constantly dependant on a dangerous recreational drug for about a year in 2013. Oh and I wasnt eating properly, so my nutrition was bad on top of this.

 

Anyway, I haven't touched an antidepressant since Spring of 2014 but I have absolutely no libido to speak of, as well as no pleasure 'down there'. Sex for me feels like nothing at all every single time and I worry so much that I wont be able to fall in love, that I'm incapable of romantic feeling.

This bothers me the most because that has been my fear for about 5 years now. And I read online that antidepressants destroy your romantic feelings forever.

Last year I think I felt vague sexual feelings once or twice for my boyfriend of the time (who I did not love) but the feelings were very mild and rare.

 

I dont know how true that is, but it makes me want to die. Ironically, that is what my OCD focused on. The fear of never falling in love. I feel like I'm trapped in my own worst nightmare and i feel anhedonic. 

 

Please no negativity. Please dont delete my post. Please. This is my last chance and I will kill myself if I get silenced again. I have nothing to live for and I am nothing.

 

I've tried and failed in the past but this time Im determined.

 

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Posted (edited)

Hi Sad doll. Welcome.. This is a new format and I'm not sure if you will even see this. I hope you do because a lot of us have been there but come out the other side. I hope you do too.

Would you mind posting your drug history?  Please put your withdrawal history in your signature

Please seek help if you feel like you're going to do harm to yourself. Ring lifeline in your area or book yourself into hospital. Please stay safe. This is an online community and we can only do so much.

Please read this link: I'm sorry: this new format. 

 

Edited by AliG

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How are you feeling now?

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SadDoll - 

 

Hold on! You are loved and you have value! Please call your local support line and get immediate help.

 

Check in with us here. 

 

SJ

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Hold on .. Everyone heres is with you . We all love you . U will be better like many others here.

 

I am also waiting on the line to be there. suffering from PSSD .

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Sad,

 

Go read Laura Delano's story on www.recoveringfrompsychiatry.com.  Her story kept me alive and hopeful.  She was on all sorts of drugs through her teens and young adulthood, has been off them for many years and has a very vibrant life and relationship with her partner. 

 

Things will definitely get better, you just have to accept that it will take time.

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I have seen improvements in things 3-5% .. somewhere more..

 

Also if you have no gluten allergy, then pls try sprouted wheat grains...

I have been to Indias one of best naturopathic care which helped me and suggested me.

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I am responding to this because many years now, approx. 39 years ago, I attempted to take my own life in a very serious way and have always been so pleased I failed to do so, it was July 4th, and I thought America is free and I want to be too.

 

Suicide is the ultimate destructive behaviour, it is a bizarre way of trying to help yourself and is fully understandable, it is also a route of no u turns usually.  Often, there are no second chances.  If you are successful in committing suicide it leads to extreme distress in those left behind.  My ex husband hanged himself last August and it has devastated many lives.  The present psychiatric services, although inadequate at best, are worth using to survive, as is anything.  I was told if I felt very suicidal to seek out company, even if it was just in a busy shopping centre, to avoid being alone.  However, this may not suit many.

 

Suicide is a permanent solution to what is always a temporary problem.  It is a real burden on those who find the body.  Sometimes people are wanting a removal from everything, but don't really want a permanent removal from everything, they get confused and irrational and their minds do not think clearly due to distress.

 

Joy

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It might be great to change the format of this post as it's not a great title. Please let us know: Maybe we can come up with something a little more uplifting.  

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Hi all,

 

Thanks for your responses. Sorry for my post, I just read a lot of things online about PSSD being incurable and how most people never heal.

 

All I've ever wanted my whole life was love. I cant believe this happened to me. I cant believe this can happen to anyone.

 

I think that it must be too late for me. And I was on so much. A high dosage of SSRIs plus illegal drugs for years plus drinking 3-4 times a week on average. Sometimes more. Maybe I deserve this for being so stupid and wreckless.

 

I just want my old feelings back and the ability to be fully functional again. I'm only 24 and the last 3 and a half years felt like an eternity. I cant imagine how bleak the years ahead will be if I dont heal.

 

Please God I will

 

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Thabk you everyone for your kindness. I dont know how to reply individually, I'm not used to this site

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how are you now? is  it constantly that bad or do you feel better sometimes? Habe you been doing therapy sessions at some point? are you still drinking/smoking? 

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6 hours ago, SadDoll said:

Thabk you everyone for your kindness. I dont know how to reply individually, I'm not used to this site

 

Seems like you are doing better now. Thank goodness!

I feel your pain and it sucks! But with enough time things will get better. You weren't on meds for too long. And you are still pretty young. I think you'll be fine.

 

Take care of yourself.

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Sad Doll:
Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you decided to join. Lots of people here are very friendly and supportive. Try not to worry.  If you can get a copy of this book Feeling Good by David Burns, it might be helpful to you.  It talks about various kinds of thinking or "cognitive distortions" that lead to depression. One of them is "catastrophizing" -- assuming the worst case scenario is going to happen. That is sort of what you are doing when you worry that you will never get better, never have romantic feelings, etc.   You are assuming the worst will happen -- but you will get better.  You will find someone to love romantically. When the right person comes along, you will love them! :-)  

A member CharlieBrown had similar issues as you and they all resolved in time.  You can read his story in the SuccessStories section of the forum. I will pray for you.  Stay positive. Things will improve. 

 

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23 hours ago, johnson said:

 

Seems like you are doing better now. Thank goodness!

I feel your pain and it sucks! But with enough time things will get better. You weren't on meds for too long. And you are still pretty young. I think you'll be fine.

 

Take care of yourself.

Thanks Johnson.

 

Late 2011-Early/mid 2014 is long enough to be honest. Plus 150mg is a lot to take. Then I quit completely cold turkey without tapering at all...

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23 hours ago, Madeleine said:

Sad Doll:
Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you decided to join. Lots of people here are very friendly and supportive. Try not to worry.  If you can get a copy of this book Feeling Good by David Burns, it might be helpful to you.  It talks about various kinds of thinking or "cognitive distortions" that lead to depression. One of them is "catastrophizing" -- assuming the worst case scenario is going to happen. That is sort of what you are doing when you worry that you will never get better, never have romantic feelings, etc.   You are assuming the worst will happen -- but you will get better.  You will find someone to love romantically. When the right person comes along, you will love them! :-)  

A member CharlieBrown had similar issues as you and they all resolved in time.  You can read his story in the SuccessStories section of the forum. I will pray for you.  Stay positive. Things will improve. 

 

I am convinced that my brain cant process or feel pleasure of joy. I've troed with so many different guys and nothing.

Thank you for your advice and prayers. Please be to Jesus He restores my brain. I want to be happy and also forgiven for my wild past

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On 6/26/2017 at 10:58 PM, Pepita said:

how are you now? is  it constantly that bad or do you feel better sometimes? Habe you been doing therapy sessions at some point? are you still drinking/smoking? 

I go through periods every spring were I crave men but its more in a romantic way then sexual. Its hard to describe.

I only drink around once a week now and I rarely smoke. I used to smoke a lot from ages 16 to a few months ago. I stopped taking drugs too

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16 hours ago, SadDoll said:

I go through periods every spring were I crave men but its more in a romantic way then sexual. Its hard to describe.

I only drink around once a week now and I rarely smoke. I used to smoke a lot from ages 16 to a few months ago. I stopped taking drugs too

so your depressive mood is mainly about not being able to enjoy/have sex, did I get that right? And that was as well before meds or only after? 

well I guess it's safe to say: good that you stopped taking drugs, that can't be benefitial (in general but specially not concerning mental issues and antidepressants) 

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5 hours ago, Pepita said:

so your depressive mood is mainly about not being able to enjoy/have sex, did I get that right? And that was as well before meds or only after? 

well I guess it's safe to say: good that you stopped taking drugs, that can't be benefitial (in general but specially not concerning mental issues and antidepressants) 

 

Well also, feeling like I'm incapable of falling in love. I haven't had a crush since 2012 (but I did like the same guy on and off in a non sexual way for the last 5 years until recently) 

 

I think I held on because he was the last person I had intense feelings for and I thought that he was beautiful and fascinating. This guy did something pretty cruel to me that really fucked me up so I constantly went out with friends and got high and drunk and stoned and did other stupid destructive things to numb the pain and try to get over him. I was really stupid.

 

Also I do not get aroused. Like it is impossible for me to. 

 

I used to take drugs a lot, while on the SSRIs and off them. Thank God I didnt get serontonin syndrome or something. But I stopped taking drugs now, I dont even smoke weed anymore.

I am so ashamed of my past. I'm so scared of the fact that I was like that and I feel disgusting looking back on it all.

 

Can someone tell me what can I do please? It doesnt seem to be going away on it's own as it's been over 3 years now. Anyone have any suggestions? I believe in God/Jesus and I just need to trust Him, I guess. 

But God helps those who helps themselves I guess

 

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On 6/26/2017 at 6:38 PM, AliG said:

It might be great to change the format of this post as it's not a great title. Please let us know: Maybe we can come up with something a little more uplifting.  

Sorry. How do I edit the title?

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On 6/26/2017 at 6:17 PM, joy2730 said:

I am responding to this because many years now, approx. 39 years ago, I attempted to take my own life in a very serious way and have always been so pleased I failed to do so, it was July 4th, and I thought America is free and I want to be too.

 

Suicide is the ultimate destructive behaviour, it is a bizarre way of trying to help yourself and is fully understandable, it is also a route of no u turns usually.  Often, there are no second chances.  If you are successful in committing suicide it leads to extreme distress in those left behind.  My ex husband hanged himself last August and it has devastated many lives.  The present psychiatric services, although inadequate at best, are worth using to survive, as is anything.  I was told if I felt very suicidal to seek out company, even if it was just in a busy shopping centre, to avoid being alone.  However, this may not suit many.

 

Suicide is a permanent solution to what is always a temporary problem.  It is a real burden on those who find the body.  Sometimes people are wanting a removal from everything, but don't really want a permanent removal from everything, they get confused and irrational and their minds do not think clearly due to distress.

 

Joy

Thanks, Joy.

 

I'm sorry about your ex husband and I'm glad that you survived from your attempt 39 years ago.

 

The scary thing is, according to online, my situation is permanent. I want to be normal again. I was actually really happy before the medication. I went on them first when I was 18 because I was in love with someone who I couldn't have and I thought I was depressed. Looking back I was just intensely sad over unrequited love. I loved him so much I used to cut myself. 

Looking back, I was so weirdly happy back regardless of that. It was so lovely. I wish I was 18 again.

 

How are you now? With everything?

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hi sadDoll from a fellow Irish member ,please don't panic about your past ,show me someone that hasn't got one and if they don't regret some of it ,well then they've  been isolated ,for a start your young that's a massive advantage ,there's no evidence of damage so go with that .

I recommended not to be looking up horror stories or doctor google ,this cripples us with panic and anxiety .

I've got my own colourful past with plenty of regrets ,I do my best these days to make better choices ,and deal with life's stresses in a healthier manner.

I'm 2.5 years sober and its the best thing I ever did ,I was a ferocious binge drinker ,in my worst days of symptoms and in pain ,I say to my self ,I'm so happy and proud I gave it up ,my only regret is I don't do it a long time ago .

diet is a big factor I reckon ,we need to put nutrients in our body ,I've upped this considerably and it helps .

alcohol can bring symptoms of depression on and ide recommend staying away from it .we got to find new tools and weapons to fight our wars .

take great care .

PB

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1 minute ago, powerback said:

hi sadDoll from a fellow Irish member ,please don't panic about your past ,show me someone that hasn't got one and if they don't regret some of it ,well then they've  been isolated ,for a start your young that's a massive advantage ,there's no evidence of damage so go with that .

I recommended not to be looking up horror stories or doctor google ,this cripples us with panic and anxiety .

I've got my own colourful past with plenty of regrets ,I do my best these days to make better choices ,and deal with life's stresses in a healthier manner.

I'm 2.5 years sober and its the best thing I ever did ,I was a ferocious binge drinker ,in my worst days of symptoms and in pain ,I say to my self ,I'm so happy and proud I gave it up ,my only regret is I don't do it a long time ago .

diet is a big factor I reckon ,we need to put nutrients in our body ,I've upped this considerably and it helps .

alcohol can bring symptoms of depression on and ide recommend staying away from it .we got to find new tools and weapons to fight our wars .

take great care .

PB

Hi PB,

 

Thanks for your encouragement. 

The thing is, how do i know if there's damage or not?

 

Glad to hear that you're sober for a long time, that's great. :)

 

Yeah, diet is important. The thing is I dont care for food much and I tend to forget to eat. But when I do, and when I eat healthy, I do feel in a better mood. So I should eat more.

I'm healthier than what I was physically at least, as I used to be too thin and had no strength at all. Hoping the brain will get healthier too.

 

What symptoms did you have and how do you feel these days? Would you say you are recovered?

 

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1 minute ago, SadDoll said:

Hi PB,

 

Thanks for your encouragement. 

The thing is, how do i know if there's damage or not?

 

Glad to hear that you're sober for a long time, that's great. :)

 

Yeah, diet is important. The thing is I dont care for food much and I tend to forget to eat. But when I do, and when I eat healthy, I do feel in a better mood. So I should eat more.

I'm healthier than what I was physically at least, as I used to be too thin and had no strength at all. Hoping the brain will get healthier too.

 

What symptoms did you have and how do you feel these days? Would you say you are recovered?

 

no no ,I'm far from recovered ,I'm finding it difficult to get off  my drug ,ive had a rough 6 months ,had a mini  breakdown  before xmas so  trying to get over that ,I'm geting there ,I worked last year way to much  in withdrawal so that caused it ,ive been were u are with self destructive regret about my past ,please learn more compassion for yourself ,we really need to practice this ,it can take time but well worth it .I'm on drugs 6 years and I didn't even realise how they were making me want to drink even more ,I count myself lucky .

look up much more positive solutions ,ruminating about damage is very unhealthy .

I actually think diet is massive and maybe even do an online course in nutrition .very helpful and keeps the mind occupied

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9 hours ago, powerback said:

no no ,I'm far from recovered ,I'm finding it difficult to get off  my drug ,ive had a rough 6 months ,had a mini  breakdown  before xmas so  trying to get over that ,I'm geting there ,I worked last year way to much  in withdrawal so that caused it ,ive been were u are with self destructive regret about my past ,please learn more compassion for yourself ,we really need to practice this ,it can take time but well worth it .I'm on drugs 6 years and I didn't even realise how they were making me want to drink even more ,I count myself lucky .

look up much more positive solutions ,ruminating about damage is very unhealthy .

I actually think diet is massive and maybe even do an online course in nutrition .very helpful and keeps the mind occupied

So you're still on an SSRI? I hope you feel better soon and recover soon. Are you tapering?

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12 hours ago, SadDoll said:

 

Well also, feeling like I'm incapable of falling in love. I haven't had a crush since 2012 (but I did like the same guy on and off in a non sexual way for the last 5 years until recently) 

 

I think I held on because he was the last person I had intense feelings for and I thought that he was beautiful and fascinating. This guy did something pretty cruel to me that really fucked me up so I constantly went out with friends and got high and drunk and stoned and did other stupid destructive things to numb the pain and try to get over him. I was really stupid.

 

Also I do not get aroused. Like it is impossible for me to. 

 

I used to take drugs a lot, while on the SSRIs and off them. Thank God I didnt get serontonin syndrome or something. But I stopped taking drugs now, I dont even smoke weed anymore.

I am so ashamed of my past. I'm so scared of the fact that I was like that and I feel disgusting looking back on it all.

 

Can someone tell me what can I do please? It doesnt seem to be going away on it's own as it's been over 3 years now. Anyone have any suggestions? I believe in God/Jesus and I just need to trust Him, I guess. 

But God helps those who helps themselves I guess

 

Uff, I am the last person to ask about god.  I do believe in the good and in some "bigger thing" out there and I think it's good to believe and trust that that things will turn out fhe best but I don't think that it's the only thing to do. I think we create our luck and life and if we want things to get better, we have to work actively towards it. And what we have to do depends on the conditions. If it's resting so our systen can heal, rest! If it's being more active, finding a hobby or whatever then it's important to set actions.

 

What's past is past, it doens't help to be ashamed of it and I don't think that anyone - as long as willing to change- has to be ashamed of past events and condemn oneself for it. I also don't think that you now have to proof god or whoever else otherwise - but you owe it to yourself:)

 

have you tried therapy yet? If not - I'd strongly recommend that! It can do A LOT! Seems that your last boyfriend really did do a lot of harm and concerning such matters, therapy could really

be key. 

 

are you working? or studying? 

 

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7 hours ago, SadDoll said:

So you're still on an SSRI? I hope you feel better soon and recover soon. Are you tapering?

ye still on 37.5 venlafaxine, so looking forward to tapering slowly soon .thanks for the kind words .

PB 

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On 6/29/2017 at 0:32 PM, Pepita said:

Uff, I am the last person to ask about god.  I do believe in the good and in some "bigger thing" out there and I think it's good to believe and trust that that things will turn out fhe best but I don't think that it's the only thing to do. I think we create our luck and life and if we want things to get better, we have to work actively towards it. And what we have to do depends on the conditions. If it's resting so our systen can heal, rest! If it's being more active, finding a hobby or whatever then it's important to set actions.

 

What's past is past, it doens't help to be ashamed of it and I don't think that anyone - as long as willing to change- has to be ashamed of past events and condemn oneself for it. I also don't think that you now have to proof god or whoever else otherwise - but you owe it to yourself:)

 

have you tried therapy yet? If not - I'd strongly recommend that! It can do A LOT! Seems that your last boyfriend really did do a lot of harm and concerning such matters, therapy could really

be key. 

 

are you working? or studying? 

 

I feel like without God there is no hope. That I wont get better from this or love again if this is all there is.

 

He wasn't my last boyfriend. I had one last year but I left him because I didnt want to be with him. Then he got a new girlfriend and I was so hurt and full of regret and I wanted him back for a while haha.

 

I'm attending a counsellor at the moment but from what i read online, its a genuine physical brain problem and not mental. But I've also read that brain scans dont pick up PSSD.

 

Yeah, I work in a theatre and study graphic design.

 

How are you feeling?

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5 hours ago, SadDoll said:

I feel like without God there is no hope. That I wont get better from this or love again if this is all there is.

 

Amen! I will be praying for you.

 

SJ

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Thanks SJ, my faith has been in the gutter the last few days. 

 

What's your story? :)

 

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23 hours ago, SadDoll said:

I feel like without God there is no hope. That I wont get better from this or love again if this is all there is.

 

He wasn't my last boyfriend. I had one last year but I left him because I didnt want to be with him. Then he got a new girlfriend and I was so hurt and full of regret and I wanted him back for a while haha.

 

I'm attending a counsellor at the moment but from what i read online, its a genuine physical brain problem and not mental. But I've also read that brain scans dont pick up PSSD.

 

Yeah, I work in a theatre and study graphic design.

 

How are you feeling?

I am really good now being in a very nice window for over a month now:) The only issue is that I'll have to euthanize my cat very soon and this is sad and stressful for me.. at the moment I am handling it quite well, hope it stays that way and won't throw me into a next wave! 

 

well believing in god will help you then, that's good! if it gives you a feeling of security and being cared for- that's awesome! 

 

It's true, when being in WD counselling can be too intense, so you might wanna take it easy, not going every week, test what's a good period of pause between sessions. I think it depends were your issues come from.. if it's purely withdrawal, counsels won't help.. if there are underlying issues that make you feel heavy, they will help:) 

 

so you got the impression that they don't help? or you even feel worse for days afterwards? 

 

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On 7/8/2017 at 8:36 AM, SadDoll said:

Thanks SJ, my faith has been in the gutter the last few days. 

 

What's your story? :)

 

 

I will keep praying for you! I too get times during recovery where my faith wanes. I have even been known to get angry at God. But He is faithful, and He always draws me back to Him. He will do the same for you. He understands what we are going through. Remember, Jesus is God, but during His time here on earth He was also a man of sorrow, acquainted with grief. He understands your pains and fears and doubts. Bring them to Him, for His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Cast your cares upon the Lord, for He cares for you. Lean on the Holy Spirit that dwells within You. He will comfort you and council you and fill you with His fruit.

 

Recovery tests our faith. But having been tested, if we remain faithful, He will be faithful to refine us like gold!

 

SJ

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Hi Doll

How are you?

I read your thread and

My heart aches for you

What about your sleep?

Are you able to sleep normal?

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On 7/9/2017 at 5:07 PM, rupa said:

Hi Doll

How are you?

I read your thread and

My heart aches for you

What about your sleep?

Are you able to sleep normal?

Hi Rupa.

 

Thanks, how are you?

 

I like sleeping yeah

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On 7/9/2017 at 2:12 PM, ShakeyJerr said:

 

I will keep praying for you! I too get times during recovery where my faith wanes. I have even been known to get angry at God. But He is faithful, and He always draws me back to Him. He will do the same for you. He understands what we are going through. Remember, Jesus is God, but during His time here on earth He was also a man of sorrow, acquainted with grief. He understands your pains and fears and doubts. Bring them to Him, for His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Cast your cares upon the Lord, for He cares for you. Lean on the Holy Spirit that dwells within You. He will comfort you and council you and fill you with His fruit.

 

Recovery tests our faith. But having been tested, if we remain faithful, He will be faithful to refine us like gold!

 

SJ

I feel like an atheist lately. I WANT to believe but it all seems so far etched and fantastical. I dont know whats wrong with me lately, faith wise. I want to be a Christian so badly.

 

Do you feel like God has healed you?

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