success ☼ Introducing Jemima

[Jemima]

Today I experienced several hours of feeling good and getting interested in meeting the challenge of gardening in hot, dry conditions for the foreseeable future. The good feelings fizzled over the course of the day, but that they happened at all is very encouraging. I also got outside late in the afternoon to water the garden and get some planters ready for fall vegetables, although I wasn't feeling all that great by that time of day.

 

It's so easy to forget how far I've come. I was in terrible shape in February--only five months ago--just barely able to get out of the house and get groceries, and now I'm getting out to church and P.T.

 

Finally, the light at the end of the tunnel!

[tezza]

Hi Jemima,

 

I'm so glad to hear you are getting out and getting better! you really are an inspiration. I hope to one day be doing some of the things you are doing now, getting interested in things. You are giving me new hope! God bless you!

 

Love you,

 

Tezza

[Karma]

Hi Jemima

 

You know sometimes it is hard to see how far we've come when we are dealing with recovery from ADs. I think it is really helpful to acknowledge our successes. So happy to read that you were feeling good this morning.

 

Karma

[xDebbiejo]

Hi Jemima

 

That's brill news !

 

So happy for you too

 

It's so encouraging to read positive posts, for everyone.

 

So glad I found this site

 

Debbie x

[Jemima]

Thank you so much for the encouragement and the assurance that I'm contributing some encouragement myself. Knowing that I'm helping someone else is important to me.

 

Today was not so good and I'm not sure if that's because I only got about six hours sleep (as compared to the usual 10-11) due to getting up early for church or if it's just the same-old same-old pattern of two steps forward and one back.

 

When I'm not feeling good, I'm usually feeling sad and/or fearful. (I refuse to use the D word or the A word, which medicalize perfectly normal human feelings and label them a problem.) I do believe these negative feelings come from withdrawal. After all, if good feelings are the last to come back, it makes sense that a person would feel badly or just be numb until those good feelings do come back. Logical as that may be, it's still really hard to just keep moving ahead in faith that my emotional state will return to normal.

[Barbarannamated]

Jemima,

 

I agree - ban the D and A. Ban the FDA, too!

[xDebbiejo]

Yep defo Barb!!

 

Jemima, not having enough sleep for me makes me feel really crappy, feel sick, can't function and only adds to issues I'm already suffering with.

 

Hope you feel better soon

 

Debbie x

[Jemima]

I got my usual ten hours last night and this morning, and feel a lot better. I got some gardening done this afternoon and am getting ready to go out to a Christian women's support and Bible study group tonight.

 

I do keep feeling really sad from time to time, and I'm wondering if this also has something to do with my age (66) in addition to withdrawal. I especially experience it in situations where I see another person having something I've always wanted and never got, like today when I was reading about posters' multi-acre homesteads on another forum. It isn't rational at all: there's no way I could manage a small farm on my own. Heck, I can barely keep up with the three foot wide beds that are on three sides of the house. But yet I feel sad that dream will never come true. And of course there's always the concern that neuro-emotion is playing a big part in this or that maybe all of this weepy feeling is due to WD. Who knows??? That's one of the most frustrating parts of this whole exeperience for me.

 

Again, thanks so much for the support and encouragement.

[Barbarannamated]

Jemima,

 

Kudos on getting involved in the women's group! Huge step!

 

Regarding the last part of your message.. oh, yes. I've mentioned this feeling a few times - a 'jealousy' that I never had before. Was always able to be happy for friends. Since withdrawal, I seem to notice all that I dont have, including things I never wanted (kids). I used to be very active on Facebook but had to exit that because everything was triggering envy. I've since gotten back into it, but keep a distance from longtime friends because i found myself comparing too often. I simply dont have the capacity to be happy for others right now or empathize with peoples' trivial issues.

 

I assume this is neuroemotion - it is powerful

I dont understand wanting things that I never had an interest in. It's like a midlife crisis on steroids.

 

I'm probably not offering much help. Just wanted to say I DO understand.

[fefesmom]

Hi Jemima. I stopped taking effexor xr in October 2011 and think I have gotten through the physical withdrawal okay. Now I find I am dealing with the same exact issues that "caused" me to be "put on" ad over ten years ago after my mother died. This has to do with feeling alone in the world and sad and crying a lot. I do find that the low times come and go whereas after my mother died I felt low most of the time. It amazes me that I can feel "okay" for hours and then seemingly suddenly spiral down. Sometimes I can identify the cause; other times it seems to come out of the blue. I took a meditation course for getting through depression; now just started a DBT class. I think sometimes I try too many things but also hope I can pick 'tools" from each of the things I try. It also amazes me how little people know about depression - they ask me why not stay on the meds if they helped? Snap out of it! If you buy some new clothes that fit (I lost a lot of weight) you will feel better! I really appreciate you and everyone on this site; it is good to know you all understand. Thanks. That's what I always say because I mean it.

[Jemima]

I assume this is neuroemotion - it is powerful

 

I dont understand wanting things that I never had an interest in. It's like a midlife crisis on steroids.

 

Perfect description. A mid-life crisis is exactly what came to my mind, although it's really late for that.

 

 

I'm probably not offering much help. Just wanted to say I DO understand.

 

Actually, knowing I'm not alone in this and that it probably is neuroemotion is very helpful. I'd hate to think that this is really me or that this state of mind will never pass!

 

I found myself feeling sad last night because the woman who hosted the group has a huge house with a beautiful view from an enclosed porch in the back. If she had turned the keys over to me and said, "It's yours!" I probably would have gotten hysterical, overwhelmed with the expenses that must go along with that house plus the cleaning! AGH! I can't keep up with my smallish one story, two bedroom house as it is!

[Skyler]

Perfect description. A mid-life crisis is exactly what came to my mind, although it's really late for that.

 

 

Hi Jemima, Being of an age.. howze about later life crisis?

[Barbarannamated]

Jemima,

 

I have a sense that I'm waking up after being asleep for years on drugs. Rip van Winkle effect. It *feels* like everyone else's life has carried on while mine was on pause. I thought my life paused when I lost my career (put on disability), but I believe now that it's in large part due to drugging. It's frightening to think of the number of people walking around in this 'altered state'.

 

EDIT: I Googled "Rip van Winkle Effect + SSRI" and got some interesting hits, one from the 'other site'. "Dose anyone feel like they missed a huge chunk of time?"

[Jemima]

Hi Jemima. I stopped taking effexor xr in October 2011 and think I have gotten through the physical withdrawal okay. Now I find I am dealing with the same exact issues that "caused" me to be "put on" ad over ten years ago after my mother died. This has to do with feeling alone in the world and sad and crying a lot. I do find that the low times come and go whereas after my mother died I felt low most of the time. It amazes me that I can feel "okay" for hours and then seemingly suddenly spiral down. Sometimes I can identify the cause; other times it seems to come out of the blue.

 

I really do think these episodes of sadness are due to withdrawal rather than some chronic state of depression. Mine seem to come out of nowhere and then I start looking for reasons for the feelings. However, I'm beginning to suspect that there aren't any reasons other than some lingering misfiring of neurotransmitters. I wish I could remember where the link is - maybe under 'Symptoms and what helps'? - where there is some information on emotions being the last part of our psyche to heal in withdrawal. I have had some moments of feeling good that seemed to come from nowhere as well, so I'm hopeful that these transient feelings are signs of healing, much like the "waves and windows" pattern of physical healing that we all seem to go through.

 

I think it's tragic that you were given pills for perfectly normal grief, and I share your feelings of being alone in the world as an only child who never had her own children. My blood relatives are all dead with the exception of a few cousins with whom I was never close. It's important to have friends and interests and a sense of purpose in life, especially as we get older and many more people find themselves "alone in the world".

 

I took a meditation course for getting through depression; now just started a DBT class. I think sometimes I try too many things but also hope I can pick 'tools" from each of the things I try. It also amazes me how little people know about depression - they ask me why not stay on the meds if they helped? Snap out of it! If you buy some new clothes that fit (I lost a lot of weight) you will feel better! I really appreciate you and everyone on this site; it is good to know you all understand. Thanks. That's what I always say because I mean it.

 

This forum has been a godsend for me as well!

[Jemima]

Trudge, trudge. Still putting one foot in front of the other and trying to be patient. My emotional state has improved somewhat in that I'm not having any really gripping episodes of fear, but the sadness and numbness remain. Still sleeping a lot, although the amount of time I'm able to sleep seems to be diminishing somewhat. There have been more occasional flickers of good feelings which come out of nowhere, and I'm so hoping that this means my full range of emotions is on its way back. Those moments have definitely not been triggered by anything external or my thoughts at that moment.

 

I have to keep reminding myself that it hasn't been quite four weeks since I got up the gumption to go back to church and that I'm no longer having difficulties going to social events. Last Sunday I was invited to lunch by a couple at church and was able to enjoy it without wondering if my symptoms were showing or getting preoccupied with my feelings. This afternoon I applied for a volunteer job online, helping out at a food pantry one evening a week. Another step.

 

Eight months off of Lexapro, now. Please God, let the end of this awful withdrawal come soon!

[Jemima]

I am so relieved to report that this week I had feelings!

 

Wednesday afternoon I interviewed for volunteer work at a soup kitchen-food pantry a few miles from my house and left with some hours scheduled nearly every week into the second week in October. I felt right at home there, having volunteered in a similar situation in the past (and loved it) and for a few hours I was genuinely happy - the first time in months!

 

I spoke with an old friend of mine from work later on that evening and after finding that he was applying for a job on the other side of the state where I will likely never see him again, I was able to cry. I've had some very bad moments throughout withdrawal and have sometimes felt like crying, but couldn't. The tears just wouldn't come before, but Wednesday night they just gushed right out.

 

I don't feel all that great right now, facing a holiday weekend with nothing to do, but the fearful feelings are almost completely gone and the sadness is becoming less and less, especially when I keep busy. The excessive sleeping is also going away. I'm down to about nine hours and even so the last hour is fitful and maybe not necessary.

 

Some other very good news is that Physical Therapy for the damage Lipitor did to my arms is working very well. I've been going for five weeks and the improvement has been dramatic.

 

YES!!!

[Karma]

This is excellent news, Jemima! It is great to hear that physical therapy is helping with the muscle damage - any healing like that is a positive thing.

 

I'm so delighted to hear that you felt genuine happiness, if only for a few hours, but you know that you can feel it again. I'm sorry that your friend may move across the state, but it is significant that you were able to really feel your emotions and cry.

 

I think you are transforming into a success story right before our very eyes.

 

Love and light,

 

Karma

[Skyler]

Some other very good news is that Physical Therapy for the damage Lipitor did to my arms is working very well. I've been going for five weeks and the improvement has been dramatic.

 

YES!!!

 

Hi Jemima, What momentous news. I'm sorry to hear of your friend leaving, but glad to read of the progress you made. I'm especially impressed by your report about PT. I knew someone with damage from Lipitor so have a sense as to what you are up against and am thrilled to hear therapy is helping your arms. ~S

[Jemima]

Thanks, Karma and Schuyler.

 

This should be an interesting week. Once Labor Day is past, I have P.T. Tuesday afternoon, soup kitchen Wednesday afternoon, P.T. Thursday afternoon, and the food pantry Friday afternoon. I just realized I didn't leave myself much time for grocery shopping, but I'd rather be a little too busy than moping around the house feeling sorry for myself. I'm also going to get involved with Red Hat, a handicraft circle at church, and possibly a neighborhood book club. If that's not enough, there are some other places I could volunteer.

 

I think a big part of the reason retirement has been such a shock was that I was stoned on Lexapro my last few months of working and gave barely a thought to what I'd do when my job wasn't sucking up most of my time and energy. It didn't seem to matter how much I reduced the dose, I was still pretty hyperactive and yet emotionally numb. Then I went off of it completely in mid-December of last year (2.5 mg. for a month or so and then every other day per the doctor) and withdrawal started only a few days later. What a year it has been!

[areyouthere]

Thanks, Karma and Schuyler.

 

This should be an interesting week. Once Labor Day is past, I have P.T. Tuesday afternoon, soup kitchen Wednesday afternoon, P.T. Thursday afternoon, and the food pantry Friday afternoon. I just realized I didn't leave myself much time for grocery shopping, but I'd rather be a little too busy than moping around the house feeling sorry for myself. I'm also going to get involved with Red Hat, a handicraft circle at church, and possibly a neighborhood book club. If that's not enough, there are some other places I could volunteer.

 

I think a big part of the reason retirement has been such a shock was that I was stoned on Lexapro my last few months of working and gave barely a thought to what I'd do when my job wasn't sucking up most of my time and energy. It didn't seem to matter how much I reduced the dose, I was still pretty hyperactive and yet emotionally numb. Then I went off of it completely in mid-December of last year (2.5 mg. for a month or so and then every other day per the doctor) and withdrawal started only a few days later. What a year it has been!

 

Jemima,

 

I have read through your journal with great interest. FIRTS and foremost and most importantly........ your week of plans next week sounds like a dream to me!!!! Have an AWESOME week!!! You have come so far!!!

 

 

I too am just about ready to retire and what I bolded above is exactly....i mean exactly what I know is and has happened to me.

 

I am a teacher , have just experienced a huge stressor ..... they moved me to another building after 18 in the same one. to teach an area and age group that I have never taught before but have the license for... My work adventure starts Tuesday and may actually end in me having to go on LTD if I have a breakdown. It's ok to be a Zombie , barely function by teaching what you've taught for 18 years , come home and go to bed, but in this situation I'm not so sure that will be possible.

 

It would and will be such a challenge to go through what you went through and I am so delighted that you are doing so much better.

 

How did your extended family respond to your difficulty just after retirement? One of the things I am worried about is kind of "hiding" that yes, I am retired, but no I'm not only not ok in what is supposed to be exciting and exhilarating... I can barely roll out of bed. Which is what will likely happen to some degree as I continue my very slow taper.

 

At this point I'm barely able to comprehend how to proceed with tapering much less educate the people around me. How did you handle this?

 

And again......... have a rockin' week!!!

[Barbarannamated]

Jemima,

 

I really admire how you are handling everything, taking control of your new life. I dont think most people realize that it's "stressful" to be unscheduled and takes motivation and creativity to fill in the blanks where work or kids used to be (friends going thru Empty Nest Syndrome right now).

 

Kudos!

B

[Jemima]

How did your extended family respond to your difficulty just after retirement? One of the things I am worried about is kind of "hiding" that yes, I am retired, but no I'm not only not ok in what is supposed to be exciting and exhilarating... I can barely roll out of bed. Which is what will likely happen to some degree as I continue my very slow taper.

 

At this point I'm barely able to comprehend how to proceed with tapering much less educate the people around me. How did you handle this?

 

I'm sorry I can't help you here, but I'm an only child who never had children, and all of my blood relatives are dead, so there was no extended family with which to cope during withdrawal. If you're going to do a very slow, careful taper, however, you will probably not have the urge to hide. I pretty much crash-banged off of Lexapro instead of tapering, thanks to poor advice from my doctor. I went from 10 mg. in August 2011 to 5 mg. in September 2011. In October or November I cut back to 2.5 mg. and on my doctor's advice, took 2.5 mg. every other day through the first two weeks of December 2011 and quit. I had quit taking Lipitor, which I believe caused the severe depression, in June, and I think that's why I started getting so hyperactive toward the end of the summer. Once my brain function had been restored by an adequate level of cholesterol, the antidepressant was far too stimulating. I'm not sure that I could have tolerated a slow taper with the side effects I was having from Lexapro, even at 2.5 mg.

 

As for friends and acquaintances, I just say that I experienced an adverse reaction to a prescription drug that made me sick for months. Most people understand that because they've either had bad side effects from a drug or know someone who has.

 

And BTW, retirement isn't the great prize so many people think it is. Lots of people suffer from boredom and depression after retirement because they just have so much time on their hands and nothing to do. In fact, that's why I'm trying to get good and busy. If I continued to sit around the house alone with little to do but surf, read, and clean the house I'd end up in a state of self-pity, at least. Just a few days before interviewing at the soup kitchen, I started wondering if I should maybe go on a very tiny dose of a mild AD to get rid of those blue feelings that were beginning to creep up on me, but decided that it would be better to get busy doing something helpful to others than walk around partially numb until I die.

[Jemima]

Jemima,

 

I really admire how you are handling everything, taking control of your new life. I don't think most people realize that it's "stressful" to be unscheduled and takes motivation and creativity to fill in the blanks where work or kids used to be (friends going thru Empty Nest Syndrome right now).

 

Kudos!

B

 

Thanks, Barb, I really appreciate the empathy. There are some people in my world who think retirement is "a walk in the park", but I suspect they're the ones who are satisfied watching TV, golfing, or otherwise indulging themselves. I could never be happy living that way.

 

About nine years ago I got a back injury at work and ended up on a pittance of Workers' Comp, not to mention that my back hurt so badly I thought I'd never walk again. I was most definitely depressed until a neurologist steered me to Physical Therapy and there was improvement in my back pain in a matter of weeks. And so I volunteered at my church's food pantry for the equivalent of three to four workdays a week, shopped library sales and thrift stores as I could just barely pay my bills, and painted. I'm trying to recreate something like that because despite the bad start, that turned out to be one of the best times of my life.

 

The one thing I can't seem to figure out is what to do in terms of an arts and crafts hobby. I used to sell my paintings on eBay, but that's a lot of work that I no longer care to do, and I don't want to just create a painting or what-have-you and then throw it away. I've discovered that I need very few clothes in retirement, so there's no point in sewing up a storm. I'd like to come up with something that's enjoyable to do that also results in something useful, but I haven't come up with anything yet. Perhaps Red Hat and my handiwork group at church will satisfy the urge.

 

Anyway, I most definitely appreciate your understanding of the situation!

[areyouthere]

 

How did your extended family respond to your difficulty just after retirement? One of the things I am worried about is kind of "hiding" that yes, I am retired, but no I'm not only not ok in what is supposed to be exciting and exhilarating... I can barely roll out of bed. Which is what will likely happen to some degree as I continue my very slow taper.

 

At this point I'm barely able to comprehend how to proceed with tapering much less educate the people around me. How did you handle this?

 

I'm sorry I can't help you here, but I'm an only child who never had children, and all of my blood relatives are dead, so there was no extended family with which to cope during withdrawal. If you're going to do a very slow, careful taper, however, you will probably not have the urge to hide. I pretty much crash-banged off of Lexapro instead of tapering, thanks to poor advice from my doctor. I went from 10 mg. in August 2011 to 5 mg. in September 2011. In October or November I cut back to 2.5 mg. and on my doctor's advice, took 2.5 mg. every other day through the first two weeks of December 2011 and quit. I had quit taking Lipitor, which I believe caused the severe depression, in June, and I think that's why I started getting so hyperactive toward the end of the summer. Once my brain function had been restored by an adequate level of cholesterol, the antidepressant was far too stimulating. I'm not sure that I could have tolerated a slow taper with the side effects I was having from Lexapro, even at 2.5 mg.

 

As for friends and acquaintances, I just say that I experienced an adverse reaction to a prescription drug that made me sick for months. Most people understand that because they've either had bad side effects from a drug or know someone who has.

 

And BTW, retirement isn't the great prize so many people think it is. Lots of people suffer from boredom and depression after retirement because they just have so much time on their hands and nothing to do. In fact, that's why I'm trying to get good and busy. If I continued to sit around the house alone with little to do but surf, read, and clean the house I'd end up in a state of self-pity, at least. Just a few days before interviewing at the soup kitchen, I started wondering if I should maybe go on a very tiny dose of a mild AD to get rid of those blue feelings that were beginning to creep up on me, but decided that it would be better to get busy doing something helpful to others than walk around partially numb until I die.

 

I like you plan!!!! Yes, I understand in my head ( although it IS pretty dopey up there so who knows what it's actually thinking?) that retirement is not a panacea. If I could work longer I would and who knows? This new "situation" might be a blessing in disguise but I doubt it. Buy maybe..

 

Anyway, my husband was forced into retirement after running a construction co. for 30 years .... he was only 55. After two yrs. of thoroughly enjoying gardening, canning, cleaning house, making my lunches ( I'm spoiled) he's back to work. He runs a cleaning crew of 7 who clean the local Wells Fargo Bank from 4 pm - 10 pm and he loves it. I am so happy for him but he has always been a happy , busy person.

 

The hard part for me has been being so damn lethargic that I can barely help . How I raised three children, worked, kept a garden , while he was working long hours, I just don't know. It is a mystery as to how I did that and a mystery also as to how I am going to get myself back to some semblance of enjoying life again.

 

I fear that my last child did not get my best. I think that I was dopey toward the end of her HS years. But They are all doing so well and happy that I must have done something right. I just want to get back to who I was before of who I am supposed to be now so that I can enjoy life with them.... both in my head and physically when we are together. Sometimes I have to retreat to the BR when it is too stimulating . .... and this is ON drugs not tapering!!!!

 

Thanks for the concrete suggestion to taper slowly. I read that over and over and over here.

Seems like that is one of the key features to success.... And as far as hiding my dirty little secret... well maybe I can taper and they won't notice but then again I feel like I have been living a farce by taking drugs even though it was to help me..but in the end it didn't did it? The joke was on me.

 

And I just want to come clean. My own family has a long history of mental illness, my husband's family not. I've always been the outsider ..I might just as well come clean, taper, get my life back and just be me again.

[Jemima]

Thanks for the concrete suggestion to taper slowly. I read that over and over and over here. Seems like that is one of the key features to success....

 

It's probably THE key feature in successful withdrawal. There are people on this forum who are able to hold down a job while tapering very slowly, which is something I couldn't possibly have done during withdrawal. I went through three to four months of awful symptoms when it was all I could do to go out and buy groceries.

 

One of the people who is going through a successful taper is Rhi (Rhiannon, I think, in her intro), so you might want to look up her story in the Intro section. It's not all peaches and cream for her, but she's able to hold down a job, have good relationships with her daughters, and write intelligible posts. There are others, although I can't think of the names at the moment.

[Skyler]

 

Thanks for the concrete suggestion to taper slowly. I read that over and over and over here. Seems like that is one of the key features to success....

 

It's probably THE key feature in successful withdrawal. There are people on this forum who are able to hold down a job while tapering very slowly, which is something I couldn't possibly have done during withdrawal. I went through three to four months of awful symptoms when it was all I could do to go out and buy groceries.

 

One of the people who is going through a successful taper is Rhi (Rhiannon, I think, in her intro), so you might want to look up her story in the Intro section. It's not all peaches and cream for her, but she's able to hold down a job, have good relationships with her daughters, and write intelligible posts. There are others, although I can't think of the names at the moment.

 

I'm on the slow boat and am having as good a taper as I've read... Hope that type of self-congratulatory statement is okay!!

 

Areyou... you can make it, but you need to go slowww. I've been tapering the benzo, now diazepam for 22 months now, may go another 6, and I'm tapering Lyrica, and Requip. I have tinnitus, but rarely anything else. And the tinnitus is eminently manageable since I held for 10 weeks.

[Karma]

Hi Jemima,

 

You mentioned that you need very few clothes in retirement so no need to sew up a storm. That made me wonder about maybe sewing clothes for people who need them ... homeless families come to mind. Just a thought.

 

I was knitting for awhile and was looking into knitting caps for soldiers. Some friends pointed me to groups that coordinated those kind of things. There are also groups that coordinate sewing to support the troops; here is one I found by googling http://soldiersangels.org/sewing-team.html ... just thinking ... that would certainly make a difference.

 

You are doing just great! Look at how you are helping others here through your experience.

 

Karma

[Jemima]

Hi Jemima,

 

You mentioned that you need very few clothes in retirement so no need to sew up a storm. That made me wonder about maybe sewing clothes for people who need them ... homeless families come to mind. Just a thought.

 

I was knitting for awhile and was looking into knitting caps for soldiers. Some friends pointed me to groups that coordinated those kind of things. There are also groups that coordinate sewing to support the troops; here is one I found by googling http://soldiersangels.org/sewing-team.html ... just thinking ... that would certainly make a difference.

 

You are doing just great! Look at how you are helping others here through your experience.

 

Karma

 

Thank you so much for the lead, Karma! That's exactly the kind of thing I'd like to do!

[Barbarannamated]

Congrats on being a new moderator, Jemima!

[Jemima]

It's been about a month since my last post, and I'm sorry to say that not much has changed. There are fewer times of feeling sad or anxious and I'm learning to be a bit more patient regarding working out a satisfactory retirement, but there have been no great leaps forward. A friend keeps reminding me that I was working at a high-stress job for over seven years and I can't expect to get out of that groove and relax into a marvelous retirement immediately. Thank goodness for him.

 

One bummer has been that progress in Physical Therapy has pretty much ground to a halt. I'm still doing it, but the therapists want an MRI. There's a decent chance that I might need surgery and that's just out of the question due to the convalescent period involved (twelve weeks per arm), so I may have to learn to live with limited arm movement.

 

Schuyler's topic on happiness struck a nerve, and I wonder if I'm just paying far too much attention to whether or not I'm happy, what would make me happy, et cetera.

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2999-american-happiness/

[Jemima]

Just one other thing: I joined a Prayer Shawl women's ministry at church and went last night for the first time, so I'm crocheting again, something I used to enjoy a lot. I'm feeling a wee, dim nudge of enjoyment from it from time to time and if nothing else it takes my mind off of everything because I have to count stitches. I'm hoping that eventually the pleasure will come back.

 

I guess I'm not doing too badly after all. It was only two months ago that I had to struggle to leave the house for church for the first time. Now I seldom think twice about going out, except for errands that I dislike running anyway.

[Karma]

Yep, Jemima ... that is progress. We have to stop sometimes and see that the small steps we are taking do represent progress.

 

Karma

[tezza]

Jemima,

 

That's really good to hear. You sound so good!

 

Love,

 

Tezza

[areyouthere]

 

I guess I'm not doing too badly after all. It was only two months ago that I had to struggle to leave the house for church for the first time. Now I seldom think twice about going out, except for errands that I dislike running anyway.

 

I guess one of the reasons to journal is to be able to look back, reflect and find your own true progress. I'm happy that you are doing better and showing us the way. Thank you!

[Jemima]

 

I guess one of the reasons to journal is to be able to look back, reflect and find your own true progress. I'm happy that you are doing better and showing us the way. Thank you!

 

I'm actually not a big fan of journaling, probably because I had to do so much writing in my job. I started out posting in my Intro because I felt a certain obligation to let people know how I was doing, but it's turned out to be really useful for me too, and has taken the place of a journal. I now try to post at least once a month.

[areyouthere]

Being among non-threatening humans helps our brains to heal.

 

Just want to reaffirm here. Jemima, earlier in your post you talked about your job stress and the people you had to work with contributed to your stress. I got the impression (maybe wrong and projecting here) that perhaps if you had been thinking straight your retirement could have been postponed ( you said something about "made some decisions " that weren't correct) and I just want to give my perspective on a somewhat similar situation.

 

I am in a new position at work and the people I am currently around ; my colleagues are "non-threatening" as Alto put it especially to my personhood. They are even supportive and caring toward each other in a stressful job situation ..

 

In my previous position some of the relationships that I had developed and with one person in particular , was toxic and although I dealt with it like a champ I think ( we are all so strong ehhh? ha) , I see very clearly now that that particular, single relationship affected nearly everything I did and decided to do. BUT here's the kicker. I am with new , wonderful, joyous, supportive, competent people and I STILL am going to retire at Christmas.

 

So if you are mourning "having" to retire just know that we all do what we have to do.

 

It's a funny thing. I went on drugs initially to keep my job and without question if it weren't for antidepressants I would have been unemployed. And it was the people I as around at that time and my lack of coping skills that triggered the downward spiral that I was all to familiar with since a young age that lead me to an antidepressant for help.

 

I will never regret and will always be grateful for and forgive my doctor who prescribed the drugs to me way back. But it is time to get off of the drugs and the merry-go-round of work. As Alto suggests one of my WD strategies will be to find non threatening people to be around. Probably not many and probably in a more " superficial " situation such as a book group as I need much, much practice socially. From past experience I already anticipate that my first response to retirement will be to withdraw ( from people) and I know that is not healthy. Alto's comment sparked this diatribe. I DO believe that some brains will heal much faster with healthy , face to face interaction with people one can relax with. Such a simple thing and so difficult in the way things are today.

 

You have done a herculian task of kicking the chemicals Jemima. That is awesome. I hope that you aren't perseverating on the job thing ; I am afraid of this happening to me too; and hope my loooooooong comment helps a little. I changed jobs, better people, but I still "have" to retire and with no regrets. Let's look forward.