success ☼ Introducing Jemima

[Jemima]

Jemima, I can relate to that feeling well. I have been practising not making a judgement about how i am actually feeling - be it good or not so good. One of the principles in mindfulness is not to try to hang on to the good any more than not trying to get rid of the bad - it is whatever it is. WOW, I wish i could be more consistent with it - but that is another unhelpful thought!!

I've been trying to practice acceptance, which has to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. Not making judgments about our feeling state is a good thing to do as well, since we can't control how we feel, only how we act in response to feelings. Sheesh, do I have a long way to go.

 

This morning when i was meditating, i was imagining all my little serotonin receptors being upregulated - i imagined them all in a row lying down and gradually standing up LOL.

 

I like that imagery!

[Jemima]

Hi Jemima

 

I think you made a good decision for yourself not going to bible group. And I wouldn't engage in anything that is taxing, including your tax! Again I would frame this as making a good decision for yourself

 

Can you think of some little activities that you can do which are pleasant, calming and non stressful

 

I'm thinking of things like going out in the sun and just enjoying its warmth for a while. Going to a pet shop and patting the puppies/kittens, doing something new, inviting someone over for a cup of tea, losing yourself in some music, watching a feel good film, planting a small herb garden. Things that distract but also contribute positively to your wellbeing without adding a burden emotionally of physically

 

You are a wonderful, generous and courageous person. I love your contributions here and hope you have a turn for the better soon.

 

Take care

 

Dalsaan x

 

Thanks so much for the kind words, Dalsaan. Distractions are good, but every now and then I get terribly anxious about something important not being done, like the taxes. (This kind of anxiety is something I'd really like to get over without turning into an unreliable slob). I've got a whole string of things to do that I'd rather not do, but postponing them just seems to make things worst. And when I get into one of these discouraged moods, I feel a lot more like sleeping for a year or two than finding something interesting to do.

 

Between withdrawal and retirement, I seem to be coming across some aspects of my personality that I don't like very much. When I was working, I was too busy to think about much of anything. I'm hoping that this period of self-appraisal will turn into something good and lasting.

[Jemima]

Today I got an email from an old work buddy letting me know what's going on at my former office. There have been times when I've wondered if retiring was a bad idea, despite the stress and lack of satisfaction in that job, but things have changed so much for the worse since I left I'm not sure I'd even recognize the place now. So retiring at that particular point in time was, in fact, a very good idea especially since current employees may stand to lose some of their anticipated pension benefits in the interests of balancing future budgets.

 

I also had to stop and think back to where I was in withdrawal this time last year. I was less than three months off my disastrous too-fast taper from Lexapro and barely able to leave the house to buy necessities, and then only at dusk because of severe light sensitivity. I had all sorts of aches, pains, insomnia, and fears that I would never be well again, and although I don't consider myself completely well yet, my main complaint is apathy, so things have changed a lot.

 

Although things are not exactly great yet, I wanted to leave a marker here to remind me that things do change, for better or worse, and whether I want them to or not, and six months or a year from now things will be different again, too. There's something about withdrawal - and maybe it's just human nature - to get bogged down and think that a miserable situation is going to last forever and get depressed about that, even though no change at all is the least likely thing that will happen.

 

So for those of you who feel stuck, be assured that there is forward motion to your journey even though you may not be able to see it from your current vantage point.

[Nikki]

"to get bogged down and think that a miserable situation is going to last forever and get depressed about that, even though no change at all is the least likely thing that will happen."

 

Ain't that the truth

 

Here's another one...."this too shall pass"

 

Thanks so much for sharing this post.

[peggy]

great post Jemima!

wise, wise words. Sometimes we (well particularly me) don't see improvements either. I have two switches Good and Bad - I am learning to recognise the graduations inbetween the good and the bad.

 

be well

Peggy

[basildev]

So true Jemima,

 

thanks for the post

[Barbarannamated]

Great post, Jemima. Very glad that you were able to save your benefits. I've heard of many people losing retirement plans and pensions.

[dalsaan]

Hi jemima

 

I'm glad you've had such a strong validation of your decision to retire. Sounds like staying on could have been disastrous.

 

It's good advice and well timed for me

 

Thank you

[Rhiannon]

 

There's something about withdrawal - and maybe it's just human nature - to get bogged down and think that a miserable situation is going to last forever and get depressed about that, even though no change at all is the least likely thing that will happen.

 

So for those of you who feel stuck, be assured that there is forward motion to your journey even though you may not be able to see it from your current vantage point.

 

Nice. Thanks. I needed to hear that. "no change at all is the least likely thing that will happen..." good to remember when I get into those "I'm in hell forever" spaces. :-)

[tezza]

Hi Jemima,

 

Your post may have been a marker for you but you've helped us with your words of wisdom. I just had the worst night I've had in a year and really needed to hear that.

 

Love,

Tezza

[Jemima]

I'm glad that helped so many people. Even though I know my words to be true, I still have to read and re-read them because in my gut, I am SO impatient for my life to get better!

[basildev]

I'm glad you posted this too Jemima,

 

I too needed to read it.

[Barbarannamated]

Add me to the list of appreciative.

 

Unrelated thought... i saw a rerun of the show 7th Heaven and thought you might enjoy.

 

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/7th_Heaven

 

I miss good, quality TV shows.

[Jemima]

Today I came to the discouraging conclusion that I'm not done with withdrawal syndrome yet. The neuro-emotions have mostly stopped and I'm able to feel some pleasure now, but I've mostly been bored out of my wits and can only come up with things to do that are pretty much just routine chores that are no fun at all. This morning it hit me that what's been lacking is any sort of inclination to do creative things like painting, sewing, cooking, and such that I used to enjoy above all else. So I'm thinking that my neurons haven't yet fully recovered from being battered by antidepressants because creativity is likely one of the most complex and highest functions of the human brain.

 

It's bad news in some ways, but I think I've been blaming myself for not being able to get enthused about much, and it's a relief to know that it isn't me and that I'm probably at the very last stage of overcoming withdrawal syndrome. This too shall pass, and in the meantime I intend to distract myself with whatever works and not feel guilty about "wasting" my time. It's all in the interests of getting back to complete normalcy.

[Altostrata]

Words of wisdom, J.

[Jemima]

It's so HARD. I feel like I've been waiting to be myself again for centuries even though it's been "only" sixteen months.

[tezza]

I understand, Jemima, it feels like I've been in WD forever! It feels like it will never end. We must look at our progress from time to time and never stop believing that we will make it. We WILL make it! Like I told Vasea, "By the grace of God and the support and love of others here".

 

I thank God for this forum and feel like I 'know' some of the people here, even though we've never actually met in person.

 

Love and peace

[flower]

Me too.

[Jemima]

The sympathy is much appreciated. I managed to get myself out of the house and to the hair stylist this afternoon and will be going to Bible study tonight, the good Lord willing and the creek don't rise. I figure the time will go faster if I'm doing *something* instead of moping around in bed most of the day, as I've been doing for the past several weeks.

 

I tried several cups of coffee this morning, which backfired. I got anxious and then neuro-depressed as the caffeine wore off. There is just nothing to do about withdrawal but wait, it seems.

[basildev]

Jemima,

 

I'm so sorry you're struggling.

 

May you reach the longest of long windows very soon.

 

xx

[Wingbatty]

Jemima, I wonder if it would help for you to know that your story inspires me?

 

It inspires me to see someone much further down the road and realize:

1) it isn't going to be a perfect journey

2) the bad days don't mean this isn't the right thing

3) just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

 

It's helping me to realize that since I went on meds (it was longer than you, but still) - life has moved on. I'm older, I'm wiser* (possibly), and I'm different. Maybe I won't like the same things. Maybe my sense of humor is different, informed by my life experiences. Maybe my hormones are different.

 

So I'm not looking for a return to anything. I'm looking for peace. Gratitude for today. Feeling that my life has meaning, that I'm helpful to others.

 

I'm making assumptions based on you saying you have retired, but I'm thinking that the Bible studies I used to do had a serious lack of more experienced women to give hope to young moms. As a young mom in church I felt such a longing for interaction with other women, but always got stuck teaching little kids in Sunday School - just a whole lot more of what I had ALL! WEEK! LONG! - and no help for me where I was. The women whose kids were grown were all "well, I did my bit and now I'm checking out".

 

Now that you are retired you have such a huge opportunity to be a source of support & light & guidance for women who desperately need it. I don't know what this might mean for you where you are, but I know that back when I went on the meds? It would have meant the world to me to have someone further along her path than me to just say, "oh, so you were daydreaming about a strange and handsome man carrying you off to the Island of No Kids or Stupid Husbands Allowed? Yeah, that's totally normal."

 

One of the ladies who did the most for me was a neighbor who saw me trying to sort out my yard while corralling my kids. She said, "I have a cartoon these two would love!" and carried them off to her house for an hour while I pulled weeds and mowed. I know it's nothing great - yeah! I get to mow the grass in peace! But it meant a lot to me. It still stands out to me, 8 years later.

 

--------------------

 

 

*while trying to type "wiser" I accidentally typed "wider" instead. Then I backspaced and typed "wider" again. And then I was all, "dammit Freud! I know! Leave me be!" and finally typed it properly.

[flower]

The sympathy is much appreciated. I managed to get myself out of the house and to the hair stylist this afternoon and will be going to Bible study tonight, the good Lord willing and the creek don't rise. I figure the time will go faster if I'm doing *something* instead of moping around in bed most of the day, as I've been doing for the past several weeks.

 

I tried several cups of coffee this morning, which backfired. I got anxious and then neuro-depressed as the caffeine wore off. There is just nothing to do about withdrawal but wait, it seems.

 

Yes, Jemima we wait. You are such a source of strength here. I hope we find peace today.

[dalsaan]

Thinking of you xx

[Jemima]

Jemima, I wonder if it would help for you to know that your story inspires me?

 

It does help, although I'm always amazed when people say something along the lines of my being an inspiration to them. So many days I feel like a flop, and a useless flop at that. Sometimes I even do really stupid things, like have to much to drink to kill the pain or stay in bed all day trying to doze the time away, hoping that loads of sleep will speed my healing.

 

It inspires me to see someone much further down the road and realize:

1) it isn't going to be a perfect journey

2) the bad days don't mean this isn't the right thing

3) just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

 

It's helping me to realize that since I went on meds (it was longer than you, but still) - life has moved on. I'm older, I'm wiser (possibly), and I'm different. Maybe I won't like the same things. Maybe my sense of humor is different, informed by my life experiences. Maybe my hormones are different.

 

So I'm not looking for a return to anything. I'm looking for peace. Gratitude for today. Feeling that my life has meaning, that I'm helpful to others.

 

I'm glad that you're handling this so wisely. That sense of my life having meaning is probably the biggest black hole in my mind. Random acts of kindness don't seem to make the grade for me. I seem to need a structure, such as a ministry, a program, a project in progress, but I haven't figured out what that is just yet. I keep thinking there's a book somewhere in this experience, but it's difficult to put my finger on an idea that would be truly helpful for someone considering going on antidepressants.

 

I'm fairly certain, after much thought, that my lack of interest in former hobbies is due to not being fully recovered from the mind-numbing effects of antidepressants rather than a permanent loss of interest. I'm very thankful for that insight and knowing that someday I'm going to experience enjoyment again.

 

I'm making assumptions based on you saying you have retired, but I'm thinking that the Bible studies I used to do had a serious lack of more experienced women to give hope to young moms. As a young mom in church I felt such a longing for interaction with other women, but always got stuck teaching little kids in Sunday School - just a whole lot more of what I had ALL! WEEK! LONG! - and no help for me where I was. The women whose kids were grown were all "well, I did my bit and now I'm checking out".

 

Now that you are retired you have such a huge opportunity to be a source of support & light & guidance for women who desperately need it. I don't know what this might mean for you where you are, but I know that back when I went on the meds? It would have meant the world to me to have someone further along her path than me to just say, "oh, so you were daydreaming about a strange and handsome man carrying you off to the Island of No Kids or Stupid Husbands Allowed? Yeah, that's totally normal."

 

One of the ladies who did the most for me was a neighbor who saw me trying to sort out my yard while corralling my kids. She said, "I have a cartoon these two would love!" and carried them off to her house for an hour while I pulled weeds and mowed. I know it's nothing great - yeah! I get to mow the grass in peace! But it meant a lot to me. It still stands out to me, 8 years later.

 

 

That's a really memorable gesture! I've never had children, one of many ways in which I'm something of a freak, but I can appreciate the thoughtfulness here. She didn't just hang back and tell you to let her know if she could help with anything, she just up and did it!

 

Thanks for the words of support, Wingbatty. I'll take all the help I can get!

[Jemima]

Thinking of you xx

 

Thanks, Dalsaan. I hope you're getting some sleep.

[Nikki]

Jemima believe me and the others you are an inspiration, a voice of reason and a comfort to me and everyone else here. I look forward to seeing your name on threads that I post.

 

Getting your hair done, putting on makeup, nice jeans and a nice top makes a difference.

For me, because I have a cleaning/organizing business I get my nails done so my hands look nice to me.

 

I loved what you said about creativity. So true. I have many 'projects' on the list in my brain.

 

I saw a post on FB on how to make a wine bottle cork wreath. I am almost done. It looks really nice. I found a wreath holder with tiny grapes on top at GoodWill for $1.

 

You have come a long way and from what I gather you are having better times.

 

Does gardening appeal to you? Beautiful colors, planting, etc.

 

You said you have been moping around the house. I've shared that mornings are awful for me.

The sooner I get showered and dressed the anxiety/depression improves.

 

Retirement is not something all of us look forward to. It's not in my vocabulary. I would not know what to do with myself. Bible Study sounds good.

 

Hugs

[Jemima]

Jemima believe me and the others you are an inspiration, a voice of reason and a comfort to me and everyone else here. I look forward to seeing your name on threads that I post.

 

Thanks for the encouragement, Nikki.

 

Getting your hair done, putting on makeup, nice jeans and a nice top makes a difference.

For me, because I have a cleaning/organizing business I get my nails done so my hands look nice to me.

 

Yes, sometimes I think getting up and getting dressed is a pain, but I do feel better and then of course I'm free to just go out the door and do whatever strikes me.

 

I loved what you said about creativity. So true. I have many 'projects' on the list in my brain.

 

I saw a post on FB on how to make a wine bottle cork wreath. I am almost done. It looks really nice. I found a wreath holder with tiny grapes on top at GoodWill for $1.

 

Well, you're doing a lot better than me. I can't seem to get started or enthused about any arts and crafts projects, although I used to like them. In fact I've got the materials for a few projects, but no incentive to work on them. What do you do with the things you make? I can't see just creating a wreath or a painting and then throwing it away, but I have little need for any decorative items.

 

You have come a long way and from what I gather you are having better times.

 

Does gardening appeal to you? Beautiful colors, planting, etc.

 

Same problem. I just can't seem to get motivated, although I did will myself into doing some gardening last year. Right now I'm waiting for the yard guy to do a spring clean-up and lay some mulch. I'm not sure what to do after that. Last year I tried to grow vegetables and couldn't keep up with it, so I'm least going to gear down on the number of things I plant. Maybe I'll include some more flowers this year so the project won't seem so utilitarian.

 

You said you have been moping around the house. I've shared that mornings are awful for me.

The sooner I get showered and dressed the anxiety/depression improves.

 

Retirement is not something all of us look forward to. It's not in my vocabulary. I would not know what to do with myself. Bible Study sounds good.

 

Hugs

 

I would love to have at least a part time job, even as a volunteer, although I don't think I could have tolerated the career from which I retired much longer without having some health problems. I keep thinking I need a big project or a ministry, something that would keep me good and busy four days or so a week.

 

Thanks for trying to help.

[Barbarannamated]

You've had the double hit of a major life change and withdrawal. Loss of structure and endless free time is very stressful. It's impossible to describe to someone who isn't in the situation of never HAVING to be anywhere again or being needed, depended upon. Your plan to get involved with something that adheres to a schedule is wise. It takes creativity to carve out a new purpose and establish a daily routine, especially when you are accountable to no one.

 

The amotivation and loss of anticipation of pleasure / reward that comes with withdrawal makes the free time much harder to deal with.

 

You're already doing a lot with the church and community work in addition to your work here on the forum. You'll find your groove, Jemima.

[Nikki]

You'll find your groove, Jemima. I totally agree with Barb.

 

When you're ready, you're ready

[tezza]

Jemima,

 

I'm right there with you on the "no motivation". I used to enjoy so many different things. Arts and crafts were very enjoyable to me but now it hardly interests me at all, especially not enough to get started on anything.

 

I don't think you are a freak, at all, for not having children. They grow up and break your heart! I love my children dearly but if I'd known all I know now, I would've never had any. I was very good to my children but they have their own lives now and don't seem to have any time for me. We hear from them when they need something. Other parents have said the same about their grown children.

 

I still haven't installed MS Office onto my computer. I haven't taken the new printer out of the box. I went ahead and bought a wireless mouse and keyboard, yesterday. I have no interest in opening that box either.

 

Believe me, if I could sleep all day, I'm sure I would. If only we could bring back who we once were! I haven't tried the drinking too much but I've sure thought about it.

 

I just wanted you to know I understand. I feel the same way. Having children just adds insult to injury, in many cases. Don't feel bad about that.

 

You are an inspiration to so many on here, myself included, whether you feel like it or not. You have come a long way and it will get better.

 

Love and hugs!

[Jemima]

You've had the double hit of a major life change and withdrawal. Loss of structure and endless free time is very stressful. It's impossible to describe to someone who isn't in the situation of never HAVING to be anywhere again or being needed, depended upon. Your plan to get involved with something that adheres to a schedule is wise. It takes creativity to carve out a new purpose and establish a daily routine, especially when you are accountable to no one.

 

The amotivation and loss of anticipation of pleasure / reward that comes with withdrawal makes the free time much harder to deal with.

 

You're already doing a lot with the church and community work in addition to your work here on the forum. You'll find your groove, Jemima.

 

Thanks so much, Barb. Your words are reassuring. Somehow I keep forgetting that I've had several overlapping, major crises in the past three years, so your reminders are quite helpful. For the record, the crises were: the physical handicap of not being able to raise my arms much above my waist, thanks to Lipitor; the depression and hospitalization, also thanks to Lipitor; then retirement and prolonged withdrawal. So maybe I'm doing rather well, considering. I do feel the old me is there some days like the small area of scattered chipboard flecks that I can see underneath the photographed-on wood finish of my desk. That's more than I could say a month ago, so I guess things are still getting better, however slowly and minutely.

[Barbarannamated]

I remember the Lipitor crash, but, for some reason, thought it was farther in the past. You definitely have been through a lot in a short time.

 

Your experience makes me wonder how many people become depressed after retirement and start on antidepressants. I suspect it's significant but not discussed because retirement is thought to be a wonderful, stress free change of pace. Perhaps there's a ministry in there somewhere. Just a thought.

 

EDIT TO ADD: I Googled "depression after retirement" and found quite a bit of info.

[Jemima]

Jemima,

 

I'm right there with you on the "no motivation". I used to enjoy so many different things. Arts and crafts were very enjoyable to me but now it hardly interests me at all, especially not enough to get started on anything.

 

I don't think you are a freak, at all, for not having children. They grow up and break your heart! I love my children dearly but if I'd known all I know now, I would've never had any. I was very good to my children but they have their own lives now and don't seem to have any time for me. We hear from them when they need something. Other parents have said the same about their grown children.

 

Yes, I've heard this before, and there are people who've told me they envy me because I have no family at all. They absolutely dread having any contact, especially at the holidays. However, I still feel stigmatized for not having done what was expected of women my age, which was raise a family.

 

I still haven't installed MS Office onto my computer. I haven't taken the new printer out of the box. I went ahead and bought a wireless mouse and keyboard, yesterday. I have no interest in opening that box either.

I know this isn't funny, but I had to laugh anyway. When I got my new laptop at the end of February I had thirty days to try it out and return it if necessary. I think I waited until day 27 or 28 to even open the box and make sure it wasn't damaged, and then freaked out because it wouldn't connect with the Internet. (Fortunately, that was a problem with my old Comcast cable modem that was easily fixed).

 

Believe me, if I could sleep all day, I'm sure I would. If only we could bring back who we once were! I haven't tried the drinking too much but I've sure thought about it.

 

I just wanted you to know I understand. I feel the same way. Having children just adds insult to injury, in many cases. Don't feel bad about that.

 

You are an inspiration to so many on here, myself included, whether you feel like it or not. You have come a long way and it will get better.

 

Love and hugs!

 

Your understanding is greatly appreciated. Sometimes I feel like the only person on the planet who goes through these things while everyone else seems to "have it together". Although I wish you didn't feel as badly as I do, the company is very welcome.

[Jemima]

I seem to have taken another baby step toward recovery, although I'm sure I'm not there yet. Lately I've been able to get out and mingle with people much more than I would have before taking antidepressants, largely because it really seems to help. Last Sunday at the end of my writers' group meeting, I announced that I was going out to dinner afterward and invited anyone who wanted to come to meet me there. I ended up with a small group of three other women, two of whom I liked right away, and we talked for nearly two hours. It was great. I've figured out that there are a lot of people like me, lonely and bored whether retired or not, so I'm just going to start making overtures when the spirit moves me. I've also signed up for a mystery book club at the library and will probably try out a women's sewing group to which I've been invited. (Not everything works out this well. I went to a Zumba exercise group at the senior center and was 1) depressed by how old and feeble most people seemed, probably age 75 or older; and 2) got so frustrated because the instructor didn't slow down for a beginner such as me that I grabbed my jacket and walked out.)

 

Social and other distractions, such as computer Solitaire, are working for me right now. However, I think my wanting to be around people so much and craving things to do that aren't emotionally heavy duty are a sign of lingering, mild depression. Also, my creative inclinations and emotional range aren't back to normal, so I think there's still some CNS healing to go. This is why I say I'm not there yet. However, my current state is much, much better than even two months ago, and last year this time I was just beginning to have a window here and there.

 

And so, I've come a long, long way in 16+ months.

[tezza]

Thanks for sharing this, Jemima. It's exactly what I needed to hear.

 

Solitaire has been my friend recently, as well. It's nice that you went out with others, socializing with good company seems to be very good medicine.

 

I pray you continue in this direction at Godspeed.

[Barbarannamated]

Very good news, Jemima! More than a *baby step*, in my humble opinion.