Nikki: hi, my rundown with ADs

[Nikki]

Okay.....

 

The doctor will not return my dose of progesterone (bio-identical) back to the original dose or even close to that does which was 100mgs.

 

He dropped it to 25mgs. and I have had insomnia since then.

 

DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR??????

 

The progesterone helped me feel good. The 25mgs. is far too low and too much of a drop.

 

I GUESS EVEN GYNECOLOGIST'S DON'T KNOW WHAT TAPERING IS He said he wants me to taper WTH?

 

Excuse me, but isn't tapering something like 100 - 75 - 50 - 25?

 

I am really PO'd with this guy for refusing to have me go back to a higher dose.

 

I am going to see my Internist and hopefully get a Rx from him, or possibly the psych nurse I see. Progesterone eased the cyst in my left breast and it is tender again

[Meimeiquest]

Ok, this is probably really stupid, but I was having funky symptoms and read on the web(which could never be wrong) that the symptoms were often thought to.be from low progesterone but were actually from high estrogen. And that low iodine could be the cause. They recommended putting a quarter-sized swab of tincture of iodine on soft skin daily until the spot remained visible for 6 hrs. after application. After a few weeks my symptoms went away, but who knows why. I tried it because lithium messes with the thyroid. This information is guaranteed to be worth what you paid for it

[Nikki]

Wow MQ I will give it a try. I have a low dose of estrogen. What you referred to is called estrogen dominance. I initially had that after a hysterectomy until I read about Bio-identical hormones.

 

Slept like Snow White last night and woke to remember (from crazy dreams) that I forgot to take AD's.

 

I came on the site earlier this morning to take about having very bad anxiety this morning.

In a word "Worry". I am so stuck in my own head and have been for the last few years with worry. It's not imagined stuff....it's real.

 

EMDR Therapy

 

On Friday I had the first session which is the interview portion. Love the Therapist. On Friday I told him the two most pressing issues.

 

Eating - it's not healthy, sugar cravings and how I feel terribly unmanageable over it. It' crazy. I can't seem to stay on track and I know it makes me feel lousy on a physical level and carrying around extra weight makes me feel 'less-than'.

 

Financially Solvent - I told him about losing my job, my former spouse taking me to court and having the alimony lowered a few times. Beginning a business, being fired from two jobs.

And now, striking out n my own.

 

The two are deeply related and EMDR can help. The obsession and worry are killer.

 

Now this morning, a friend called to tell me that the front page of The Palm Beach Post is about Governor Scott ending permanent alimony which is what I have. I am trying not to have a nervous breakdown.

 

This gov. ended emergency unemployment, voted down the construction of a train which would go from Tallahassee to Miami (think of all the jobs that would have generated). Now it's alimony.

 

To be honest, I am tired of coping, practicing being more a more positive, focuses, grateful person. I am just tired of coping, it's not living, it's just dealing from one miserable day to the next. Dodging bullets on a daily basis.

 

One of my neighbors is trying to get the HOA to approved having new roofs on all the Townhomes and assessing each home owner $3000. She has a roof issue. I do not.

 

I had believed in 2099 that by 2010 I would be home free. Not happening.

 

Needed to vent.

[Barbarannamated]

Nikki,

 

Your last post about losing permanent alimony (per law change) really hit me. First, I'm so sorry you're in the position of having to depend on an abusive former spouse and endure yearly battles with him. It seems that would prevent closure and stand in the way of moving forward with your life.

 

Though I'm not in the same situation, this jumped out at me because I am also financially dependent on a trauma (work injury / permanent disability). I have to jump through hoops every 2 years to prove I'm still disabled and dependent on the government and my former employer who was responsible for the injury.

 

For people who value independence and self-sufficiency as you and I both do, this is cruelly retraumatizing. Any sense of control is gone and we're dependent on those who harmed us.

 

I wish I had some advice for the situation you face now with losing alimony, but I can only offer my empathy. I've worried for years that I would lose the permanent disability that i loathe.

 

I'm so sorry for the situation you are facing.

[Nikki]

Wow you really sized this up so well. I just couldn't find the words. Do you have to go thru a series of medical exams for disability?

 

I may not lose alimony right away, but it will end once he retires. This is what this Governor wants to do in addition to some other nonsense.

 

You seem to cope well with your situation. How do you do it?

 

Right now I am thinking that my life is not worth living and there isn't an end in site.

 

Very depressed, very scattered.

 

And yes Barb, I am very angry at Higher Power for all the suffering people have to endure.

[Barbarannamated]

Nikki,

 

I don't feel like I'm coping well at all, but I dont know... I have no basis of comparison. I don't know how others would handle my set of circumstances or how I would do with yours or anyone else's. I think we're all trying to just get through each day.

 

B

[tezza]

Nikki,

 

I'm sorry you are feeling depressed. I wish we would ALL get beyond this nightmare we seem to be in.

 

Hugs

[Nikki]

Barb Tezza a therapist once told me she believes that everyone is on Survival Mode.

 

I have to agree.

 

Today there was an article in the Paper which pointed out that retroactively changing someone's divorce decree is illegal and unconstitutional. My divorce decree is life time,even after his retirement.

 

Will be starting a petition. I have upped my progesterone by buying some at the health food store. What a difference.

 

So here we have a GYN who does not know what the word TAPER means. I guess this cluelessness does not just apply to Psychiatrists.

 

Looks like I a going to have to pay for an assessment on the development getting new roofs. Sux. They want to raise the HOA quarterly fees another 100 dollars each quarter.

 

Me thinks I will be moving soon Jupiter is high end. Apparently it has become too high end for me at this point in time.

 

Barb and Tezza do you get outside much and into the sunshine? I find it's good for me. Especially a good dose of sun. I look albino and I never did before. I was usually tan.

 

I cannot believe how the increase in progesterone has helped.

 

Good night all

[Sparrow]

Glad to hear you're getting some relief from the progesterone, Nikki.

 

Florida's laws suck in so many, many ways. The legislature is expanding the Baker Act (involuntary commitment) as we speak. The governor...ugh, don't get me started.

 

So sorry they're messing with your alimony. Being financially dependent on another person is not a good place to be. I will be in that place for the rest of my life.

 

Hugs,

Sparrow

[tezza]

Hi Nikki,

 

I do try to go outside for at least a few minutes each day. I'm not the sun worshipper I once was. I, too used to tan every summer, I would get very dark. My skin has aged much because of this.

 

It has finally warmed up here in our region but we are expecting a few cooler days again soon.

 

I'm glad the HRT is helping you! Hormones RULE! When they start to wane, we get wobbly.

 

Hugs

[Barbarannamated]

Nikki,

 

I don't believe that therapist who said that everyone is in Survival Mode understands what these drugs do to our fight or flight systems (cortisol) and stress tolerance, especially when withdrawn. They leave us in a hyper alert flight (or freeze) mode with drastically diminished capacity to handle stressors that are part of daily life. I think that's why some of us go into hibernation /freeze - it's an instinctual reaction to protect ourselves when we don't have the strength to fight or flee.

 

Regarding Disabilty... I did not have to apply or jump through the hoops that most people do. Mine was part of a long Work Comp suit and the lawyers from both sides sent me to numerous "Qualified Medical Examiners" to determine the extent of Disabilty. Then my employer hired a company that applies for SSDI to offset what they paid me in long term disability. That time is a big blur of contentious lawyer and doctor appointments.

[Nikki]

Barb the therapist meant everyone who is on planet earth is on survival mode. I agree, especially in recent times.

 

Your explanation of going into hibernation is so true.

 

They leave us in a hyper alert flight (or freeze) mode with drastically diminished capacity to handle stressors that are part of daily life. I think that's why some of us go into hibernation /freeze - it's an instinctual reaction to protect ourselves when we don't have the strength to fight or flee.

 

I had to read this a few times so I can remember it. I think I was hyper alert since as far back as I can remember. Hypersensitive is what it's called. I have always been wired that way.

 

I have been trying to quietly observe what is going on around me to gauge whether or not I am over-reacting - or - there really are too many stressors (people who cause stress) around me.

 

I don't live alone so I don't have down time, alone time. I realized how much I need it.

Not isolation - just time alone.

 

Yes friends the stressors are out there.

[Nikki]

Barb I forgot to log off, so when I came on this morning I saw the post again and thought that what you said would be a good thread on it's own, or to add to Neuro-emotions.

 

Nikki

[Nikki]

First things first...

 

How is everyone?

 

Mama Celeste is dead tired. Beyond Tired.

 

My Snow Bird customers are all leaving to head back North for the summer. I will miss them.

I am obtaining new customers which is great.

 

TJMaxx is still scheduling me for Sat Sun Mon so I am still working 7 days week.

 

I put it in writing again....that I will not be available for Saturdays. I will only be available on sundays and mondays. I really need a day off, and one where I can see my friends for brunch and catch up. And if I want to lay down in the afternoon or going to the beach I can.

 

I have been eating sugar like I am going to the Electric Chair.

 

And not eating sound nutritional meals due to a lack of time. Not so good.

 

I have started my first EMDR therapy this saturday evening. Love the therapist. Will give you more feedback on that.

 

Love,

Sleepless In Jupiter

[tezza]

I hope you get that day off soon. No wonder you're tired!

[strawberry17]

Nikki, you're working too hard. Hope the therapy went well?

[Nikki]

Having panic attacks and morning anxiety. What am I worried about? They don't happen for no reason. I am not withdrawing.

 

Boils down to unmanageability. Loss of control over my own life. Been on a whirlwind for the last 6-7 months.

 

My paperwork is in a pile on my desk. Laundry room looks like Mt. Fuji. Refrigerator is empty and I have been eating frozen meals and junk.

 

Haven't seen much of my mother and friends. I have isolated alot. Want to come home, shower, watch TV and go to bed.

 

I am not a victim. I made these choices out of need. I now need to make a shift. Although it is going to happen on it's own with customers going back for the summer.

 

It's always about fear and a loss of control.

 

I really need to devote one day per week to paperwork. No excuses.

Get off my sugar binge. No excuses. Went on Weight Watcher's and then gave it up.

Limit time at TJMaxx.

 

Have a life Al-Anon meetings are very important to me. I hear wonderful, sound advise, reminders that there are better ways to live, I see my friends. It means the world to me and I don't go that much. I believe I have emotional recovery on a 24 hour basis only

and need to get to meetings.

 

I have a goal in mind. Work from Monday to Fridays only. My business, for me. Maybe this coming winter that will happen.

 

Hugs

[tezza]

Nikki,

 

I agree with Strawberry, you're working too hard. You're not getting a break to relax and you have a lot of stress in everyday life, we all do, but add that to your work schedule and it could cause anxiety, IMO.

 

I hope TJMaxx will lighten up on you.

 

Hugs

[Nikki]

Hi Tezza so nice to hear from you:)

 

I think I may give TJMaxx one day per week or leave altogether. I actually like working there. Customers and co-workers are nice. I am actually quite comfortable there.

 

I would like to spend some of my energy on my home, and myself (swimming, walking and the gym).

 

I used to love to sew also. Like finishing wood, things like that. When I was a stay at home Mom I had a good life. I did it all and traveled too.

 

Yes I am ready to unwind and then gear up again for this coming fall/winter season

 

Hugs everyone

[tezza]

Hi Tezza so nice to hear from you:)

 

I used to love to sew also. Like finishing wood, things like that. When I was a stay at home Mom I had a good life. I did it all and traveled too.

 

 

 

Me too! And painting, drawing, wood burning and all that good stuff. I miss those days!

[flower]

Nikki,Tezza you two are so cute! You remind me of myself..Home deco,painting gardening,pets,reading...these are the things I retired to do I'm not asking for much.. Maybe within the next 6 months of slowing things down we can do this again. Lord help me to NOT drink pop...I'm going to sit outside ,it's raining in Pa..

[Nikki]

Tezza and Flower I feel like we are kindred or very old friends which is such a nice feeling.

 

I tried to send you both a PM and I could not figure out how to send the same message to two people???

 

So I'll post here and thank you for being here.

 

I have succeeded in running myself into the ground. I am beyond tiredness, my body aches, I am thinking obsessively and I am eating garbage (emotional eating) and procrastinating over paperwork and returning phone calls. Alot of these things are bad habits that I revert to and it is well within my power to change.

 

I feel broken. I did this to myself with overworking. In looking back over the past 7 months I should have taken better care of myself. Eating and meal planning were on the back burner.

 

I have to pull myself out of this. It's amazing how I can advise or make suggestions to another and not take the advise or act on it in my own behalf.

 

Tomorrow the HOA will vote on putting in new roofs (actually not roofs I have a concrete slab roof, it is the covering over the concrete) the cost will be about $3400 per roof. My roof is just fine. So now I am sweating bullets over this cost. I have a very solid, hurricane proof home. One person is creating, pandemonium, hysteria and a stampede over this and the Board fell for it.

 

I am not WDing, but I feel like I did when WDing. Fatigue, bad anxiety, not being able to think clearly, worry, aches and pains. Very bad bruxism.

 

I finally got thru (yesterday) to the scheduling manager(TJMaxx) that I will not be available on Saturdays after next weekend. It only took 6 months. I really need one day off.

 

Ladies, can you please give me a push to stop procrastinating about paperwork, I need a push.

I need to be reminded to eat well.

 

Hve to go now......love you both

[flower]

Nikki try to eat simply. Bake stuff at the same time. fish, baked potatoes,even baked fries ,chicken ...Turkey in a crock pot..Soup and sandwiches.. Not chips and dip,hotdogs.Koolaid.stay away from bottled dressings.Get use to the good things you dont particularly like.Water and lemon,vinegar on salads..Munching bananas and apples. Cut back on the sweetners. I'm sure you already know this, I'm not one to preach..It's hard to keep at it when you don't feel good. Well here goes another day with no Diet Pepsi....lol I never thought I'd see Celexa on the back burner. This WD is comparable..I slept a little last night maybe thats a good sign? Sit in the sun for a little today. I will too

 

Oh, and get that paperwork done..

[Nikki]

Flower I was under the impression that giving up Aspartame would make us all feel wonderful and out memories would return.

 

I guess is the furthest thing from the truth. Whatever it does to the brain, I now suppose the brain and body need to adjust.

 

I've been doing a bit of an inventory on myself lately. Have been posting on this site here and there. I didn't plan to do it, but situations availed themselves for me to look at or observe myself.

 

I did start the EMDR Therapy and it is probably just what I need.

 

For me it is about uncovering the reasons I am who I am, and do what I do.

 

We all share about "troubles" and try to help each other sort thru things which is lovely.

 

There is a fine line for me and something I don't quite understand. Have the use of

AD's caused 'shortcomings' or 'distorted thinking' 'fear factor', how I react emotionally to things, me or the drugs.

 

I know that I fall into the category of NEURO-EMOTIONS.

 

Is life really that tough and it's okay to 'feel' the lousy feelings? Why is my reaction so raw? I constantly have to train myself to under-react.

 

When I was on Paxil I had feelings, all the time. Stress, sadness, joy, etc. but I was better able to cope. As we now know, getting off paxil can alter changes in a person's life.

 

Love to hear back

[flower]

Nikki I suppose Celexa is a drop in the bucket compared to Paxil.I thought getting off the pop would make life easier,like you said. Since the aspartame involves dopamine and serotonin like the other ADs ,you're right it will take a while. I'm upset I have to wait on tapering Celexa. Tolerating the WDs is upsetting.I messed up my medicine yeserday and can't seem to get a grip today. I will try to get back to you tomorrow...have a good day.

[Nikki]

Flower I understand how you feel. It must be like feeling detained in getting towards your goal of getting off Celexa.

 

Wow Dopamine and Serotonin from soda. I know alot of women who use Splenda in their coffee and ice tea and they don't seem to be troubled by it. Although most of them complain of memory issues. hmmmmm.

 

Flower I could not get off Paxil. Impossible task. So I had to crossover to Lexapro.

Paxil and Effexor are the worst.

 

I have messed up medication and it usually takes a full 24--48 hours to get back on track, so you will.

 

Hugs

[Nikki]

Alimony changes vetoed last night.....

 

Thank you God

[Nikki]

this is me

[flower]

Flower I understand how you feel. It must be like feeling detained in getting towards your goal of getting off Celexa.

 

Wow Dopamine and Serotonin from soda. I know alot of women who use Splenda in their coffee and ice tea and they don't seem to be troubled by it. Although most of them complain of memory issues. hmmmmm.

 

Flower I could not get off Paxil. Impossible task. So I had to crossover to Lexapro.

Paxil and Effexor are the worst.

 

I have messed up medication and it usually takes a full 24--48 hours to get back on track, so you will.

 

Hugs

 

Nikki I missed this post...I didn't have trouble either until I decided to clean up my diet.When I stopped is when the trouble began.. There is something evil about this stuff if it can do this when discontinued..

[Nikki]

About 10 days back maybe more I felt ill. Turns out I have a sinus infection which led to Laryngitis . I have not been able to speak for several days.

 

I went to the doctor. He gave me a shot in the arm of prednisone and I started taking Cipro.

 

It hurts to speak and seems to make it worse.

 

Started gargling with salted water. Chloraseptic spray.

 

I've never had this before (Laryngitis).

 

I rescheduled my customers for next week so that I could rest this week.

 

However, (I shared this before) my daughter and her boyfriend do not go to sleep until 2-3am.

He works until 11pm. She says she can't fall asleep and then wakes up in the morning crying that she has to go to work for 10 hours.

 

They eat, cook, go in and out. She washes clothes and puts the dryer on at midnight.

 

It is the height of insanity.

 

As a result I am in a chronic state of tiredness and exhaustion. This has become a vicious cycle. His hours are 2-11. Her hours are 11-10 and I wake up at 6:30am.

 

They have been arguing quite a bit. It's sad.

 

My daughter has had a lot of woundedness in her life which affects all aspects of her life.

When there are problems between them I get panic attacks (brief) particularly in the AM.

It touches me in remembering woundedness from my former marriage. Her boyfriend is actually a nice guy.

 

So........do I mind my business about their business? Do I tell them that I am available if they would like to talk.

 

And above all, how do I get them to respect that I need some sleep. I am really at my wit's end from exhaustion.

 

Cipro (as we've discussed) is a strong antibiotic and there are side effects from it, so I was reluctant to take it.

 

 

SOS

[flower]

Please keep me posted,your words help so much.Be easy on your throat..I heard coconut water is good for the gut?

[Jemima]

Assuming that you're the owner of the house where all of you are living, I think it's time to assert yourself and insist on more consideration of your needs, especially when you're sick.

 

You often mention how unhappy you are and that you think you might need to stay on antidepressants for the rest of your life. I'm betting that this living situation is a big part of the reason. Situations that are so miserable that we have to turn to medication are situations that need to be changed. Since your daughter and her boyfriend are both working, is there any reason they can't get a place of their own?

 

As for their conflicts, I would definitely stay away.

[Nikki]

Jemima there really is alot of truth to what you said.

 

This was a bad week with my daughter. Everyday there has been drama.

 

This morning I had such a sick/anxious feeling. I reached out and hugged my

Westie. When my daughter acts up I have alot of trouble getting out of bed. I do, but it takes times wrestling with anxiety.

 

She takes benzos which are prescribed. Not good.

 

They cannot afford to live on their own. I am in the process of making a decision to have her leave. She does have a father with a large home.

 

I have been thinking today that rebuilding my life/business takes persistent, patience and a bit of courage. There are days I get scared and I suppose it's normal.

 

The part that isn't normal or healthy is dealing with this kid. It is stress round-the-clock. So afraid to even think about a taper.

 

Than you for your input.

 

Flower I am a little edgy from the Cipro but it seems to be working.

[flower]

Hope you are coming along little girl...I'm getting real tired of these drugs again and I do stupid stuff when I get like this. The last time I dropped 10mgs of Celexa and got crazy....lol The good thing was I only had to updose 5 mgs to get a grip so I did make some headway. Get better..

[Nikki]

The reason behind what is going on with my daughter is that she has taken herself off Imipramine. She hasn't been taking K.

 

Her health insurance in going to stop at age 25 thru her father's company, so she made a decision to stop now.

 

She wants to see what she is like without the meds. We have all thought alot about that for ourselves.

 

I tried to explain yesterday that there are effects from stopping.

 

I hope this all works out and that she will be okay. We all want out kids to have good lives with much happiness.

 

As for me, still have the sinus thingy. We have been having lots of Thunder and Rain so my dogs keep me up at night. Dead tired from lack of sleep.

 

Hugs and More Hugs

[tezza]

Drive by hugs, Nikki!