☼ MC89--Introduction

[MC89]

Hi everyone,

 

I'd like to introduce myself to the members of this site by telling you a little about my history and how I'm faring now.

 

Currently, I am a 21 year old college student from California on leave from my university where I will be a senior this fall. About 10 years ago, when I was 11 or 12, I developed a mood disorder, which I believe to be related to a high degree of academic stress, lack of sleep, and a chronic pain condition that emerged out of nowhere around that time. I was sent to various mental health professionals, at the recommendation of some of my doctors, and ended up seeing several child psychiatrists who put me on Zoloft, Effexor, and several other cocktails of anti-depressants. I remained on the drugs, except for a brief stint in which I attempted to quit at age 16 but relapsed horribly, until I could no longer tolerate the side effects (i.e. impotence, emotional apathy, mental fog, weight gain) and quit in the spring semester of my freshman year of college.

 

Although I quit over a short period of time (around 1 month) I didn't really experience any withdrawal effects--the situation remained more or less unchanged. However, after about 6 months after quitting I began to become very aware, and very anxious about the fact that I had no direction in my life, studies, or career because I simply didn't care while on the medication. This realization compelled me to work extremely hard in school, to the point where I couldn't accept anything less than an A. I also became extremely self-conscious about my weight and developed fairly severe social phobia. Thus, for the second half of 2008, 2009, and most of 2010, I hardly did anything besides study in my room--I barely ate or interacted with anyone at all and focused exclusively on my career.

 

In summer 2010 I secured an internship for summer 2011, and enrolled in the toughest courses I had taken to date for the fall semester. My internship, I believed, depended upon my ability to perform at a high level in those courses, so I studied harder even than I had previously. As a result, I became more preoccupied and obsessed with performance than ever before, and began to lose sleep at night worrying about the exams, until I couldn't sleep at night at all. After weeks of desperately popping pills for sleep I decided in mid-December that I could not go through with finals, got on a plane and flew home with incompletes in 4 classes and my future in serious doubt.

 

At home, I spent the first month in a partial hospitalization program and thought about suicide basically every day. I started eating sugary and fatty foods ceaselessly and stopped taking care of myself. I was completely dependent on my parents, and hardly left my bed to do anything but to eat. I was convinced that I was going to fail my exams and that my life would be over. I still couldn't sleep at night and just began to simply give up on anything. For the entire months of January and February I didn't touch my schoolbooks even though I knew I needed to take my exams to avoid failing my courses.

 

Somehow, though, I started to get better during March. I attribute it mostly to the supplements that my doctor recommended for me. I began to sleep better and that made a huge difference, and slowly I began to pick up the books for a few hours each day. Doing this enabled me to gain a bit of confidence, and to conceive that there was a hope that my life wasn't over. Eventually, I was able to study all day again, and could sleep okay even with the pressure of the pending tests. I won't get into details, but i was ultimately able to get an A on all 3 exams.

 

Right now, I am feeling better than I have in quite awhile. My sleep has steadily improved to where I can sleep for basically 7 hours a night without constant wake ups and without too much morning anxiety. I exercise regularly and have gotten back into pretty good shape. I am planning to do the internship, which was really inconceivable just a month ago to me, and I am not really taking any substances aside from a small amount of melatonin and l-arginine at night. What's more, I am beginning to take interest in things that I stopped caring about 10 years ago. Although I feel tired most of the time and have some lingering head pain from my time on benzos, it is nothing that is hampering me severely.

 

I really do feel now (I was always skeptical before) that we can overcome this and live fulfilling lives. I am still bitter about losing all of my teenage years and think about how things could have been if I was never on drugs in the first place, and I feel a great deal of anger towards other people for the treatment I received while on anti-depressants. However, at the same time I feel like I am starting to enjoy living again, and feel positive about the future and my prospects. Obviously, I am still nervous about going to a fulltime working environment and this summer will be a litmus test for me, but I think I will do well because my self-confidence and feelings of self-worth are higher than perhaps they've ever been. I am committed to turning this around and living life and succeeding in spite of my setbacks with anti-depressants.

[Rhiannon]

Welcome! And thanks for sharing your story. It's an important story to share--I hope you don't stop here.

 

I think with the insight you've developed, you will do fine this summer at your internship. Just remember that you can't necessarily "listen" to all those feelings/thoughts of doom and gloom. Don't over-pressure yourself.

 

You really don't have to make all A's in life, as it turns out; in fact, once you get out of school, to be perfectly honest, nobody's going to know or care much about your grades! Unless you're trying to get into some super competitive grad school program. Which is an option, if that's something that's fun for you, but it's really not a prerequisite to a fulfilling and satisfying life.

 

Anyway, again, thank you for sharing your story. There are so many people who were put on psych meds at a young age and have suffered a lot as a result. I'm so glad to hear your story of hope and recovery. I hope you'll continue to share it.

[Altostrata]

MC, it's such great news that you're resuming your education.

 

Can you tell us more about the benzos, how you got off them (congratulations), and those supplements? Tapering schedule, what kinds of dosages, etc.

[MC89]

Thanks for the responses.

 

To follow up regarding weaning off benzos, this was done over a matter of around 3 weeks under the supervision of my doctor, who called every week to instruct me on the dosage. I never took more than ~1mg of Klonopin or 2mg of Ativan, and I was only at that dose for a brief amount of time.

 

I believe that being on any dose of these medications, for any amount of time, was a complete hindrance to recovery. A feeling of normality started to return only after being off the benzos for several weeks, and I still suffer some of the collateral damage from that time, including extreme fatigue and face pain (both slowly abating).

 

As for the supplements, I cant say I can trace any immediate improvement in my condition to any substance with the exception of melatonin. 3, then 1.5, then .75 mg at night has been a god send in helping me get to sleep. Also, a sleepytime tea taken an hour before bed helps on nights where I feel particularly tense. I also take 200mg of co-q10 and 500mg niacinimide, and occasionally inositol (very expensive), but I can't definitively state whether these have helped me indeed. If they have, the synergistic effect is very subtle. I also take L-arginine (500 mg i believe) at night, per the suggestion of my doctor, as it is supposed to enhance restorative, deep sleep.

 

One way or another, I have gotten much better as I detailed before. I feel self-confidence for the first time I can remember, and I just rented a room in a house in a different city (~55 miles away) so I can commute to my internship this summer. Should the internship go well, I really see no reason to doubt myself and my ability to cope with life anymore. While my well-being is somewhat conditional upon my ability to get my career launched, I still think I am more comfortable with myself regardless of the outcome.

 

Also, the anhedonia I have suffered for years and thought was absolutely intractable, has, quite miraculously, begun to abate. Just yesterday I was at a baseball game (GO GIANTS) and was involved in the game almost as much as I used to be as a kid. My attention span, while still not sufficient to sit still and read many lengthy books, has also greatly improved and with it my analytical abilities. Therefore, anyone who is afraid their brain and intelligence are permanently compromised (this thought kept me in the gutter for years) please don't worry. Recovery really happens--one simply needs to accept this as an incontrovertible fact and act accordingly, in order to prepare optimally for when it does come.

[Neuroplastic]

Great update, MC! It will help many. So much hope and energy in it. Drop by to tell us how you're doing and what symptoms are getting better.

[angie007]

HI MC and welcome,

 

Thankyou for your post, it was very enlightening, and will give so much

hope to others struggling in wd.

Call by again and tell us about any lingering issues and how you manage to deal with those.

[MC89]

Hello all,

 

I hope everyone in this community is doing well. it's been over a decade since my last post but I wanted to provide an update for anyone who may be interested.

 

Why the delay? I spent most of the past 15 years since quitting antidepressants (at age 18) in a more or less constant haze of constant paranoia and anxiety with very little respite.  However, life goes on, and I am currently at a place of relative (and hopefully lasting) mental peace, where I have the mental and emotional bandwidth to look back and share some reflections. 

 

First, there has been no reversion or bounce back to my pre-drug state as I might have hoped. Rather, it's been a slow and non-linear climb out of the deep pit of anhedonic hopelessness that being drugged as a teenager plunged me into.  Unfortunately, the cognitive, emotional, spiritual, and physical impacts of being put on these chemicals during adolescence defiantly remain a part of my life along with the trauma of the entire pharmaceutical experience itself - namely, the experience of my very personality and identity being violently encroached upon, upended, and distorted and all my interests and passions in life being plundered.  The biggest impact of this has been a devastating lack of self esteem and a feeling of alienation and disconnection from humanity that I try to make gradual strides against daily.  

 

I wish I could go about my life and forget this entire experience, but sadly the reminders and vestiges are with me every day. When I can't enjoy life's simple pleasures, when I struggle to remember something simple, and when I reflect upon my stunted physical and intellectual development, I see big pharma and psychiatry like two poltergeists in the dark, pointing and laughing at me. I alternate between wanting to fight and claw and grasp for anything I can get back, and surrendering to acceptance of a reduced life, and this struggle defines a lot of my everyday life. 

 

With that context, let me talk about some positive developments since last time we spoke: 

 

-As of the time of my last post, I used to routinely comfort myself with thoughts of suicide - e.g. if it doesn't get better by 25, 30, etc. I'll just end it all then. In contrast, at this point, very rarely do I have thoughts of this nature and my expectation is to continue living until my time on this planet has naturally come to an end. 

 

-On a material level, things have proceeded better than I could have hoped. Despite horrific social anxiety (which has gotten much better) and relentless brain fog brought about by the SSRIs/SNRIs, I have somehow managed to stay employed for 10+ years, and the opportunity to save / invest this has afforded me has brought a great deal of comfort in terms of fulfilling Maslow's basic needs.  This has not been easy, and has been accompanied by a near nervous breakdown from hyperventilation syndrome during my years in a very demanding job (which I have since left). However, while I have no confidence in my future ability to succeed, I have continued to show up and claw forward a day at a time. 

 

-Slowly I have begun to open my mind to more spirituality - and the realization that those things of mine that were compromised by psych drugs (cognitive sharpness, physical stature, libido etc), while they count for much in terms of defining a man in our toxic western society, do not necessarily define a person's inherent value. This way of thinking requires a profound shift in one's perception of humanity, society, and manhood and a shift in one's definition of a life worth striving for. I have not mastered this new attitude, but I have started down the path and it has brought me some relief. 

 

-I have moments of emotional resonance recently that I could not have imagined at any point over the past 15 years. I can feel love for my immediate family and at times gratitude for my friends and some of the things that have gone my way. Certain things (movie scenes etc) now move me to tears, which I take to be a sign that I am beginning to reconnect with the world and with suppressed emotions after so many years as a lobotomized robot.  I feel much more empathy for the suffering of living creatures, both humans and animals than before.

 

-While my attention span is still terrible, I can do basic attention requiring tasks again like watching movies and reading books. This was something I could not do as recently as college and the first few years of my career - I remember sitting in my dorm room unable to even follow a basketball game on TV.  I am hoping this cognitive recovery eventually extends to my working memory, short term memory, and overall mental clarity and energy which have not recovered in the same manner.  

 

-Over the past 6-7 years I have been in two short term romantic relationships. Neither lasted for more than 6 months, mostly due to my own immaturity and underdevelopment, but they at least showed me that something like that might be possible in the future even in my compromised state.  I find the Darwinian nature of the dating marketplace very depressing, but I believe there are some truly accepting and loving people out there. 

 

-In concert with acceptance and mental reframing, I have begun to "fight back" surgically against some of the physical symptoms that the antidepressants caused me (namely cosmetic issues from gaining weight and stunted stature) and feel significantly less dysphoric for doing so. While self-acceptance is important,  if the problem can be solved with surgical intervention, I no longer have any ethical qualms in doing so.  

 

Going forward, I plan to get more serious about working with specialists (functional medicine, etc...not psychiatrists!) to continue to "fight" the symptoms, while also continuing to strive toward a greater acceptance of the symptoms that remain and taking steps to heal from the trauma of this entire experience. While change continues to occur at a glacial pace, I do believe that I have continued to recover and move toward a more sustainable life.

 

Life is not easy but neither is it the constant horror show of the first 10-12 years post SSRIs, and if anything I feel like I have a fighting chance at reaching some kind of contentment and inner peace one day.

 

Thanks so much for reading this far!   

 

[Altostrata]

Good to hear from you, @MC89 Because you're feeling better, I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol ☼ to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

 

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

 

Please see this topic:  How to write your success story

 

PS For context, Please summarize your drug and withdrawal history in your signature You may need to use a computer to do this.

[MC89]

Thanks Alto, it's so great to hear from you too.  Thanks for the links - I'll go ahead and update my signature! 

[MC89]

Hi everyone, 

 

I wanted to ask for your advice as I think about the next steps in my recovery from this point. Like I mentioned in my earlier update post, I have come a long way since quitting antidepressants at age 18, about 14 / 15 years ago. 

 

However, certain side effects of my time on the medications remain to this day - most prominently anhedonia, PSSD, and cognitive / memory impairments - that impact my day to day quality of life and my sense of meaning and purpose.

 

Until this point, I've always adhered to the dogma (espoused by the old forum) that all medication is bad and the only way to recover is to do so naturally. However, the recovery from this all has been so brutally slow and the years are only continuing to pass me by. 

 

I'm still wary about seeing a psychiatrist, but have been thinking about visiting with an enlightened urologist who acknowledges PSSD, to see if there is anything that can be done for me. I imagine this will involve considerable expense and perhaps some pharmaceutical medications, but I don't know if I'm going to just snap back to normal at this point without intervention. 

 

What do the members of this community think? Is there a time and place for this kind of medical intervention or do you think there is a good chance I'm going to end up back on the Pharma merry-go-round?  

 

Thanks! 

[MC89]

Kindly bumping to see if anyone has any thoughts. TLDR - damaged by SSRI / SNRI as a child / teen, now mid 30's, seeking advice of how to move forward. 

 

Not sure who else I can turn to for this. Thanks so much! 

[Altostrata]

If you find such a urologist, please post about it in 

 

 

[MC89]

Got it. I guess I was looking for more support, empathy, and guidance vs a reminder of where to post, but it feels like I'm on my own here. 

 

I'll report back if I find something that can be of help to others. All the best to everyone! 

[Altostrata]

Sorry. We wish we could meet your expectation that we would know of a urologist to treat PSSD, but we do not (or we'd make that public knowledge), we don't know what treatments could be involved, and we don't know if they're effective.

 

You might talk with the specialized PSSD groups, their members are always experimenting. You may find more of that very specific form of support that you seek in those groups.

 

It would be nice if you'd share your findings with this community, but please do not feel that you need to show your appreciation for our assistance.

[MC89]

No worries. The PSSD groups are generally pessimistic, hopeless, defeatist, and unhelpful which is why I tried here instead. 

 

I went ahead and met with one of the doctors I alluded to above. He is expensive but so far my impression is very positive - he has experience treating PSSD / post-finasteride syndrome and has already proposed a few tactics that don't involve psychotropic medications to test the waters.

 

He told me that many patients that are referred to him from psychiatrists are on dopamine agonists at an excessively high dose which hurts them more than it helps. His perspective is that something like Welbutrin, if needed at all, works much better at a low, subclinical dose. Not sure we'll go in that direction, but to me that's more validation that these greedy psychiatric butchers have no idea what they're doing. 

[Altostrata]

Good to hear you've found a doctor who may help. Please let us know how you're doing.

[MC89]

I don't know if anyone reads this but thought I'd post an update - I saw one of the few urologists in the US who acknowledge / treat PSSD a few times over the past few weeks. 

 

As I mentioned before, the first appointment seemed promising - the doctor did a full workup and talked to me about some treatment modalities. However, I was deeply disappointed at the second appointment and follow-up thereafter. I paid $375 and took half day off work to see the doctor for 10 minutes, wherein all he did was evaluate my bloodwork and prescribe a medication. In my opinion, an ethical doctor could have done all of this over email / secure message without charging me. 

 

Ultimately, he put me on a female fertility drug called Clomid (off label use in men as a testosterone booster) and told me to come back for another $400 telemedicine visit in 6 weeks. I had worrisome alarming side affects after my second dose but could not get ahold of the doctor until the next day. Paying out of pocket, I expect to be able to reach the doctor when I need him, but all communication is routed through his office as though I'm a new patient.

 

Where does that leave me? I'm not nearly desperate enough to put up with this racket. For now, I'm going to stop seeing this doctor and I'm on the waitlist to try another provider around October. I'll keep you all posted. 

[LostInCanada]

Sending love, hope and admiration for all you have accomplished. The best is yet to come. Keep giving yourself patience, kindness and acceptance. You deserve it. 💯

[MC89]

Wow, thank you so much! It means a lot.