jfrank17

[Skyler]

jf17...

 

If it is any consolation, I had a post last week about this. Schyuler asked me to separate the real stuff from the wd stuff. At that time I was trapped inside my head where the anxiety (whatever it is - probably both) can't be divided.

 

I can and have really struggled with this. Like you, when I talk to someone close, and here on the site I can see the difference until I go into another tailspin.

 

The Bell was great Schyuler and thank you for reminding me about the two sets of anxiety......

 

Hugs

 

Hi Nikki, glad that helped. Withdrawal is a huge challenge (LOL,like you didn't know??) but one fact is constant.. we bring who we are into the battle. ~S

[jfrank17]

I had a horrible day yesterday and even worse night last night. Just nothing but surge after surge of panic between periods of exhausted sleep. Today I feel beaten. I feel depressed. I feel hopeless. I feel very mentally ill and that there is no way out.

 

I am contemplating just restarting my meds. I don't know what else to do. I seem to have lost all my confidence. I feel like I have completely lost myself.

[Altostrata]

If 5mg gave you a bad reaction, you might try 1mg. Believe it or not, a tiny amount can stop withdrawal symptoms.

[jfrank17]

Ok, writing when I'm calmer again.

 

One thing I hadn't brought up here is that I live by myself (other than my dogs). My parents live an hour away on a farm and I had talked to my mom and we decided I could use a change of scenery and so I loaded up my work stuff and moved out there temporarily. Unfortunately there was a lot of various stressful complications involved in the move (computer hard drive failed and had to pay for repairs, amongst other things).

 

Being around other people was good but unfortunately I had extreme difficulty getting adequate rest due many factors including me being a light sleeper, the bed not being comfortable, and an irrigation pump that ran all night to water their plants but made a click/buzz sound that constantly woke me. I suspect the degradation of my being able to get decent rest gradually built up and set off additional anxiety. After reaching such a devastating crisis point this morning, I moved myself back home today. I will hopefully be able to repair my rest a bit more and I will be able to go in and see my doctor if I need additional help and advice too.

 

I no longer believe in any quick fixes. Not even if I restart the meds, but I have a new slender thread of hope that I can start the climb again if I can get more rested, and take some baby steps to get some things done around here that might help me feel better as things had gotten horribly behind while dealing with all of this withdrawal. No guarantees that I won't be posting anymore panicked messages. I'm becoming much more cautious in thinking or hoping that the worst is over.

[Jemima]

I no longer believe in any quick fixes. Not even if I restart the meds, but I have a new slender thread of hope that I can start the climb again if I can get more rested, and take some baby steps to get some things done around here that might help me feel better as things had gotten horribly behind while dealing with all of this withdrawal. No guarantees that I won't be posting anymore panicked messages. I'm becoming much more cautious in thinking or hoping that the worst is over.

 

Sooner or later, most of us here on the forum have arrived at this point. I'm pretty much past the worst of withdrawal now, but it was three steps forward and two back for months and months. Patience is of the utmost importance. Things will get better, though. Please keep that in mind.

[jfrank17]

Checking in today. Able to get a bit better rest last night although still have that aggravating issue of when slipping into that totally relaxed state, brain tries to send signals of worry and danger.

 

After I got home yesterday I saw an unopened bottle of magnesium I had ordered but had not tried yet. I figured may as well open it and try it. I did feel some calming but I'm not sure that 1 mag dose could have that effect or if I just finally reached another window after a couple really awful days. I will keep taking daily for awhile though. Who knows, maybe it will help curb some of the severity of the anxiety waves.

 

Thanks as always to everyone's support and input. Good to not feel alone.

[jfrank17]

Had a good evening last night, but struck with dread/panic/indecision/fear again this morning, and I think it's time to go ahead and retry going back on a low dose for stabilization. What I'm wondering is if it will take long to feel some relief? If I go a week still struggling this bad does it mean I need to go back to the doctor? I'm so worn out. I have zero confidence in myself anymore.

[jfrank17]

Doing really awful. Feel extremely despairing and depressed. I took some of my med to restart it but I don't know if it will help or how long it will take. Scared.

[Altostrata]

How much did you take?

[jfrank17]

I took 5 mg. The reason I did that instead of less is because I realized a lot of what I thought was side effects were just mental exhaustion before. I realized this when I felt the exact same effects this past Sunday, Monday and Tuesday without having taken any of the medication. Once I got some rest Tuesday night, it eased off. So I started with 5 mg.

 

I feel like a total nutcase! I have never been such an indecisive, unstable psychological shambles, not even when I was first put on meds. It's terrifying, damaging to my self-esteem and I feel like I'm exasperating my family and friends. I have completely stable "me" times (usually in the evenings) and then poof, that person is just gone again.

[Barbarannamated]

Jfrank,

 

I'm sorry youre having such a rough time. Just glancing at a few recent messages, it *appears* that your mornings of dread ease up in the afternoon/evening. ? This happened to me when the abrupt cortisol awakenings abated but morphed to a general dread/despair of life. It was not as identifiable as the feeling of physical panic/racing heart/anxiety in earlier withdrawal. Much easier to confuse with "depression".

 

I just like to throw this in in case it helps you identify a pattern. My husband even said that I seemed like a different person one afternoon following a bad morning. I believe his words were "what's wrong with you? You seem NORMAL now."

[jfrank17]

This happened to me when the abrupt cortisol awakenings abated but morphed to a general dread/despair of life.

 

Yes this very much is describing me. Usually later afternoon/evenings I feel like a different person. Tonight is a bit of an exception as my anxiety level is higher. Just feeling a lot of fear that even reinstatng the med won't help me. I feel so very desperate for some relief.

[jfrank17]

I'm really feeling sedated today. It would seem like this would have me feeling calmer but instead I have periodic anxiety surges that are almost even more severe/panicky because they hit and yet I feel sedated. Will this pass?

[Altostrata]

Your nervous system may not have stabilized yet. It takes a while to get used to changes.

 

It's hard when you're going through this to make decisions and stick to them in a systematic way, but you need to do this. Please keep notes about when you take your dose, the dosage, and symptoms after so you can see a pattern and distinguish side effects from other symptoms.

[jfrank17]

Thank you. I was thinking I must be exasperating to give advice to the past few weeks because of how I bounce around on things. I am really determined to stick with this course this time though.

 

The sedation effect seemed to ease off more this afternoon. I will keep notes as you suggest too. This is only my 2nd day taking it.

[jfrank17]

Having a really bad time since yesterday afternoon. Depressed.. feeling hopeless. Just took 4th dose of Celexa.

[renee]

hang in there frank!!

[Nikki]

Maybe you will feel better in a few days since sticking to the 5mgs. You may need to adjust. Worst case scenario is that you will have to updose again.

 

5-10mgs. is a low dose. You accomplished alot be getting off Effexor.

 

Hugs

Nikki

[jfrank17]

Thank you for the encouragement. Means more to me than I can say. This has probably been the most difficult day yet as far as cycling between extreme depression and bad anxiety. I'm ready to call the local crisis line tomorrow if it's as bad or worse.

[jfrank17]

I had to call the crisis line today. I think something more is wrong with me than withdrawal at this point. I'm losing my ability to function, can't eat, am panicked and overwhelmed by everything. I have appointments for a therapist and psychologist set up but I just don't know if anything can help me. I'm afraid of just completely shutting down and losing the person I used to be forever.

[Altostrata]

jfrank, that sounds like severe withdrawal syndrome. Please make sure any doctor understands that might be your problem.

 

Try not to add to it by worrying about losing your faculties. It does go away very gradually with time.

[jfrank17]

Thank you Alto. I can say for sure this has become the worst period of my life as far as length of time suffering and how out of control I feel. I am willing right now to go back up on Celexa to stabilize if the doctor recommends (still taking 5 mg right now), but I'm not losing sight that I want to be off of it at some point. I just need to find some stabilization for now. I understand about withdrawal so much better now that next time I am ready to taper I will be excruciatingly careful.

[Skyler]

Thank you Alto. I can say for sure this has become the worst period of my life as far as length of time suffering and how out of control I feel. I am willing right now to go back up on Celexa to stabilize if the doctor recommends (still taking 5 mg right now), but I'm not losing sight that I want to be off of it at some point. I just need to find some stabilization for now. I understand about withdrawal so much better now that next time I am ready to taper I will be excruciatingly careful.

 

Hey there jfrank.. the sad part is that it's so hard to believe tapering is so exacting.. and there is no room for error or we end up in deep !@#$. Glad to hear you are going to be more cautious... very sorry to read the accounts of your hardship. Really tough way to learn, and this is the way for way to many. Hugs to ya, ~S

[Barbarannamated]

Jfrank,

 

Just adding my support to whatever you choose to do to stabilize. I wish I had this group when I was tapering. Perhaps the protracted w/d would not be so severe.

 

I know exactly what you mean by losing your faculties. My *cognition/consciousness* fluctuates so much throughout the day, I feel i must be losing my mind. Sometimes I wish it (my mind) would go away completely because feeling like it's going is torture.

[jfrank17]

Sometimes I wish it (my mind) would go away completely because feeling like it's going is torture.

 

I can fully relate to this.

 

Thank you guys for your support. The anxiety level today is torturous. I just wish this day could hurry and be done.

[jfrank17]

Well, I suddenly hit a "window" for the first time since Monday, so I thought I'd throw out here some symptoms I've been experiencing. A lot of it seems tied to the anxiety/panic I've been having but maybe there is more to some of them. These are extremely prevalent during the waves with extreme anxiety.

 

 

Lack of appetite/anxious at even trying to eat.

Intermittent nausea.

Feeling hunger at times but then despairing because it's so unpleasant to try to eat, then appetite disappears

The incredible urge to gag/almost throw up when swallowing anything (unless completely relaxed, sometimes at night)

Easily chilled.. this one is weird for me. Even on a really warm day a bit of a breeze can suddenly have me feeling chilled.

Conversely, feeling overheated when close to panic

Intense sensations of losing myself, of being unable to handle even the simplest task, and at times feeling right on the verge of "shutting down" and being carted off to some inpatient hospital because I just can't function.

Intolerance to absolutely any stressor

My gums are suddenly more red and bleeding easier (may be from the lack of eating).

Very frequent racing heart sensations that sometimes make me feel short of breath.

Very disturbing feeling of unpleasant arousal. This one is very hard to explain but it makes me feel absolutely crazy and that I'd just like to crawl out of my skin and escape it.

Anhedonia

 

Initial symptoms I felt in the first 2-3 weeks when I first stopped but don't feel now were the brain zaps, headaches, irritability and lack of desire for physical touch, even by my poor pups.

[Barbarannamated]

Well, I suddenly hit a "window" for the first time since Monday, so I thought I'd throw out here some symptoms I've been experiencing. A lot of it seems tied to the anxiety/panic I've been having but maybe there is more to some of them. These are extremely prevalent during the waves with extreme anxiety.

 

 

Lack of appetite/anxious at even trying to eat.

Intermittent nausea.

Feeling hunger at times but then despairing because it's so unpleasant to try to eat, then appetite disappears

The incredible urge to gag/almost throw up when swallowing anything (unless completely relaxed, sometimes at night)

Easily chilled.. this one is weird for me. Even on a really warm day a bit of a breeze can suddenly have me feeling chilled.

Conversely, feeling overheated when close to panic

Intense sensations of losing myself, of being unable to handle even the simplest task, and at times feeling right on the verge of "shutting down" and being carted off to some inpatient hospital because I just can't function.

Intolerance to absolutely any stressor

My gums are suddenly more red and bleeding easier (may be from the lack of eating).

Very frequent racing heart sensations that sometimes make me feel short of breath.

Very disturbing feeling of unpleasant arousal. This one is very hard to explain but it makes me feel absolutely crazy and that I'd just like to crawl out of my skin and escape it.

Anhedonia

 

Initial symptoms I felt in the first 2-3 weeks when I first stopped but don't feel now were the brain zaps, headaches, irritability and lack of desire for physical touch, even by my poor pups.

 

Jfrank,

 

You describe it VERY WELL, especially

- feeling unreal and ready to "shut down" to be carted off to inpatient facility

I've learned how involved the endocrine system is is this. Several endocrine dysfunctions can cause what presents as "psychiatric disorders" including hallucinations and delusions. These drugs have strong effects on the endocrine system with cortisol effects being the most apparent during withdrawal. The system is resetting, trying to find homeostasis. I keep telling myself "if I THINK I'm going crazy, I'm probably NOT."

 

- inability to handle any stressors

BIG one for me. I'm either near-comatose or flying into an angry rage in my head, no in between, as if my fight or flight system is in hyperalert mode while napping.

 

It sounds like are describing akathisia (internal restlessness). ?

 

The list of "What Loved Onez Might See" mentions a stage of feeling "autistic" and any touch being repulsive. Ive experienced that although recently my one little dog has taken to laying back to back with me and it is incredibly calming. I synchronize my breathing with hers. It feels like she *knows*.

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1234-what-loved-ones-might-see/page__pid__24498#entry24498

 

I hope it helps just knowing that youre not alone in what you're experiencing.

[jfrank17]

Barb, I was reading about akathisia and the restless/unpleasant sensation feels right but I don't feel any sensation in my legs. It's more in my core body/gut. It's so hard to describe. It reminds me of a sensation of being highly frustrated about something only there is no trigger in this and I just have the weird/unpleasant sensation. At first I thought it was a med side effect when I took Celexa again but then I had the sensations even off the med.

 

It's unreal how much it seems to have "blown up" at around the 6-week mark.

 

I am grateful not to feel alone in all this. I'd hug everyone here if I could.

[Barbarannamated]

Yes, akathisia is INTERNAL feeling of restlessness/need to keep moving different from restless legs or skin crawling sensation. My interpretation is that it's an "emotional and physical restlessness/anxiety" and can be fierce with use of certain drugs and withdrawal. It's the reason so many people treated with SSRIs also end up on benzos.

 

I had it to a degree and some people report severe akathisia. It may be alleviated by moving, walking, a rocking chair or glider. When I was tapering, I drove and drove for hours at a stretch, immersing myself in music and singing (wouldn't want to inflict that on anyone!). I don't know if that was akathisia, but I suspect so.

[jfrank17]

Yes, akathisia is INTERNAL feeling of restlessness/need to keep moving different from restless legs or skin crawling sensation. My interpretation is that it's an "emotional and physical restlessness/anxiety" and can be fierce with use of certain drugs and withdrawal. It's the reason so many people treated with SSRIs also end up on benzos.

 

I had it to a degree and some people report severe akathisia. It may be alleviated by moving, walking, a rocking chair or glider. When I was tapering, I drove and drove for hours at a stretch, immersing myself in music and singing (wouldn't want to inflict that on anyone!). I don't know if that was akathisia, but I suspect so.

 

That really makes sense then. It definitely gives me an extremely uncomfortable sensation that makes me feel like squirming/moving somehow to get relief.

[Skyler]

 

Yes, akathisia is INTERNAL feeling of restlessness/need to keep moving different from restless legs or skin crawling sensation. My interpretation is that it's an "emotional and physical restlessness/anxiety" and can be fierce with use of certain drugs and withdrawal. It's the reason so many people treated with SSRIs also end up on benzos.

 

I had it to a degree and some people report severe akathisia. It may be alleviated by moving, walking, a rocking chair or glider. When I was tapering, I drove and drove for hours at a stretch, immersing myself in music and singing (wouldn't want to inflict that on anyone!). I don't know if that was akathisia, but I suspect so.

 

That really makes sense then. It definitely gives me an extremely uncomfortable sensation that makes me feel like squirming/moving somehow to get relief.

 

I'm not clear though.. I have moving issues that are only at night, but I rarely have the skin crawling feeling, or even true restlessness of my legs. Rather it's my arms that want to move, with an inner need to keep moving.. a vague feeling. Alto said it was RLS because it's at night, but what the hey?

[Barbarannamated]

I suspect it's similar underlying cause and can coexist. ?

[Skyler]

I suspect it's similar underlying cause and can coexist. ?

 

Not to hijack this thread... if the underlying cause is the same, why one at night and the other during the day? I do know that what I experience as RLS is way more than the bicycle reflex of lower legs. I end up doing the 'doggie paddle'... upper and lower extremities, top of legs and bottom. The physical sensation is dreadful, and when they are bad sleep is 100% impossible.

[jfrank17]

One article I read listed as as synonymous with RLS, but another page I read it seemed different. This page on it is interesting http://www.logarithmic.net/pfh/akathisia

[Skyler]

One article I read listed as as synonymous with RLS, but another page I read it seemed different. This page on it is interesting http://www.logarithmic.net/pfh/akathisia

 

Thanks for the link. Looks interesting. I'll check it out.

[jfrank17]

Have many others dealt with this akathisia sensation as part of SSRI withdrawal? The more I have read and think about it the more I think this might be one of my biggest issues. It's what makes me feel completely out of control/crazy, and like I'm on the verge of shutting down.

 

I still have some old Klono left from an old script (from 2011) and I took 1 yesterday and the feelings eased within 20-30 minutes. I do feel it's something separate from anxiety though it certainly exacerbates and causes worse anxiety. I have always had anxiety throughout my life but this is something foreign to me until the recent weeks.