Apathy, anhedonia, emotional numbness, emotional anesthesia

[Kieran]

Hello

 

I’ve been experiencing a heavy depression in recent weeks and am reaching out in the hope of a bit of support if available.

It’s been building up to this - having been in and out (and discharged from) various services, finding it hard to engage with therapy as therapist wants to help me process old traumas and it’s taken me months to convince them that the w/d is a MASSIVE trauma. Each time I brought it up they’d try to tell me that this trauma couldn’t be worked on. I’ve dropped out of this subsequently.

 

Neuro emotions are ramped up way beyond pre withdrawal levels and literally finding it hard to trust anyone, constantly doubting intentions and isolating from connection as a result. I feel disappointed/dismayed/angry with everyone. No positivity.
 

My mind feels blank, lacks creativity or the ability to plan or see a positive future; it feels like I’ve been stripped of my soul and essential self. I was a sensitive, loving person and this has been taken away.

 

A real trigger to more depression this week was my best friend coming to stay with me for a night. I made him a lovely lamb curry and felt no reward from preparing it or his enjoyment in eating it. Most troubling was my inability to connect with him at an emotional level. I’m just going through the motions of feeling but inside feel numb and a shell of myself. The withdrawal has had an impact on all my relationships and my obvious awareness that neither I nor my ability to connect meaningfully with anything or anyone makes me want to isolate and give up. I’m barely functioning, haven’t left my house in days and have little quality of life.
 

I had a terrible ‘taper’ of 2+ years of taking one Prozac tablet every one then two weeks. I feel I’ve caused my body and brain considerable damage. It feels permanent, there’re no windows 🪟 at present, just an ongoing numbness and finding it hard to cope right now. Any support would be greatly appreciated. Apologies if this seems negative but I need to speak my truth.

 

 Kieran

 

[Kat66]

I feel your pain Kieran I’m going through endless depression and anhedonia myself and am about to embark on EMDR therapy for previous traumas. I NEVER thought of w/d as a trauma in itself. But I guess it is. 
 

I can relate to everything you say about lack of connection making you want to isolate and give up. 
 

I wish there was a quick way through this. I’ve found this site helpful and reassuring though, please don’t give up. Have you spoken to any admins about your taper/supplements/other ways of coping when in the midst of a wave?

 

Please hang in there, you are not alone x

[Kieran]

Hi @Kat66 - I hugely appreciate your reply. It makes me feel a lot less alone to feel a connection and engagement. Thank you for validating how I am feeling. My withdrawal has made me feel terribly alone so this is a balm. I’m sorry you are also in pain. 
 

If I can explain this further, I’ve just been reminded of a book given to me by my father when I was 9 years old, The Little Prince by Antoine de St Exupery. (I’m not good with tech and the picture of the Little Prince is quite big) - 😬
 

 

My withdrawal state feels a bit like this. my not altogether secure adult coping mechanisms as a result of childhood traumas have been shorn away, leaving my inner child exposed, isolated, alone, fearful and struggling to cope. I’d been doing some parts work therapy, working with my younger selves, and they’ve felt deeply scared as the adult Kieran is no longer the person he used to be, if that makes any sense. I hope one day I can come back to myself. 

 

I hope your emdr sessions go well - I did online EMDR via the NHS in early 2021 and certainly found this modality helped to access emotions and feelings. I really hope you find it beneficial.

You’re right, there’s no easy way through this. I’m trying to take it day by day but my looping/obsessional withdrawal mind gets stuck in thoughts of permanency and find it hard to extricate myself from this. I actually just spoke to a Crisis Line via South London and Maudsley (SLAM), which was a little bit relieving. 
 

I see you enjoy herbal teas and I’m going to try to take the edge off with a favourite of mine - Twinings Sleep Tea. I recommend it! 
 

Wishing you a good night’s sleep @Kat66 and all the best. Thank you for reaching out.

 

 Kieran

[Kat66]

Hi @Kieran I’m afraid I’m not familiar with the book, can you give me an idea of the similarities between it and your situation, I’d be really interested to know. 
 

8 hours ago, Kieran said:

looping/obsessional withdrawal mind gets stuck in thoughts of permanency and find it hard to extricate myself from this

Omg how I relate to this!! This is for me the hardest thing to deal with at the moment. Literally nothing helps as these looping thoughts are w/d generated and as such seem to be much more severe than the usual ‘overthinking’. 
 

It’s good actually to remind myself that all these horrible symptoms are w/d related and not ‘normal’ I’ve spent quite a lot of time away from this site recently and have felt so alone in this battle, but in reality everyone on this site is going through the same battles. I find that quite comforting! 

8 hours ago, Kieran said:

My withdrawal state feels a bit like this. my not altogether secure adult coping mechanisms as a result of childhood traumas have been shorn away, leaving my inner child exposed, isolated, alone, fearful and struggling to cope. I’d been doing some parts work therapy, working with my younger selves, and they’ve felt deeply scared as the adult Kieran is no longer the person he used to be, if that makes any sense. I hope one day I can come back to myself. 

That does make sense Kieran and I am wondering whether to do some inner child work myself. I too feel like a totally different person from before coming off antidepressants and that really concerns me. I’ve lost all joy and have become a shell. 
 

I’m glad you found relief calling a crisis line and in your online EMDR sessions. I didn’t realise it was available on the NHS.

 

Did your tea work?

Kath x

[Kieran]

Hi Kat

 

The book cover just represented the feeling I guess of the inner child feeling alone and isolated in withdrawal.I was given the book as a child so it kind of resonates in this instance.

 

The tea was good! I had a hot milk too. Was up for ages scrolling web, did a bit of reading too which is a positive. I’ve found it hard to focus in w/d so, (to continue the inner child theme), I’m reading a book I gave to my niece recently, Murder Most Unladylike. It’s what I can manage right now. Baby steps, eh…

 

A thought had just to come to mind of needing to be compassionate to ourselves in withdrawal. How we get to that stage I’m not sure. None of this is our fault.

Wishing you well today Kat

 

 Kieran

[Kat66]

Hi @Kieran Ah right, now I get it, I don't have to have read the story. 

 

Baby steps indeed. That's what this journey is. One day at a time, one hour at a time.

 

Self compassion is something I try to practice as much as possible but isn't easy, especially when I have so much hatred for myself! I think it gets easier with practice but again, don't beat yourself up if you can't be a master at self compassion on the first day.

 

BABY STEPS!! (that's as much for me as it is for you lol)

 

Take care

Kath x

[Kieran]

Kath

 

Thanks for your message and good to hear from you - it’s been welcomed on a day of quite difficult thoughts. (Regrets, anger and self recrimination among others). I very much relate to feelings of self hatred. in my case at least I absorbed feelings of shame and blame early on because it was too hard to accept that primary caregivers could be inadequate. Took on THEIR SHAME as a crucial survival strategy to protect the relationship. They were actually never my feelings to hold. It wasn’t our shame.
 

The same self flagellation has been colouring my thoughts today regarding my ill fated decision to stop taking these medications in early lockdown 2020 after 13 years on them. I did an online session with CALM earlier and was gradually able to articulate that this wasn’t my fault. It was the medical system’s irresponsibility to prescribe without informed consent, doctors and psychs who had no awareness or knowledge of safe tapers and a culture which routinely gaslights us with a denial of the iatrogenic harms these drugs can do.
 

The journey feels tortuous today. I’ll try to take it moment by moment this evening. That’s sound advice. I’ve made myself another herbal tea, going to watch some football, eat some pasta 🍝 (that’s emoji spaghetti) and continue with my book.

 

Wishing you a peaceful evening Kath . Take care too. 

 

Kieran

[Kat66]

21 hours ago, Kieran said:

 

The same self flagellation has been colouring my thoughts today regarding my ill fated decision to stop taking these medications in early lockdown 2020 after 13 years on them. I did an online session with CALM earlier and was gradually able to articulate that this wasn’t my fault. It was the medical system’s irresponsibility to prescribe without informed consent, doctors and psychs who had no awareness or knowledge of safe tapers and a culture which routinely gaslights us with a denial of the iatrogenic harms these drugs can do.
 

The journey feels tortuous today. I’ll try to take it moment by moment this evening. That’s sound advice. I’ve made myself another herbal tea, going to watch some football, eat some pasta 🍝 (that’s emoji spaghetti) and continue with my book.

 

Football, pasta, herbal tea - we do what we need to to get through. With me it's soaps/Friends/Breaking Bad, food, and working out/deep stretching/meditation. 

 

NONE of this is our fault. We think it is because we were so desperate for a solution to our pain and jumped at the chance of a solution in pill form. What is CALM? Sounds interesting....

 

Hope you have a peaceful evening yourself Kieran.

Kath

[Kat66]

Hi @Kieran just wondering how you're getting on, anhedonia wise?

[MFo2000]

Hello, does anyone else have experience with antipsychotic or antidepressant induced severe emotional numbness? If so, have any of you recovered from it?

 

I feel as if every emotion has been zapped from me, positive and negative. Can't laugh, smile or cry. Can't enjoy music or movies either. It's a hellish existence.

[Viinncceennt]

Hello @MFo2000.

 

I experience the same thing. I can't enjoy music or movies either. I love my cat and my mother deeply : I know rationaly that I love them but I don't "feel" it anymore.

 

But I can still cry and feel negative emotions (that's what I feel all day to be honest).

[MFo2000]

Hello @Viinncceennt

 

Mine is even worse because I can't feel anything, not even negative. This is driving me crazy and it only got this bad yesterday. How could this have developed after almost 2 months of Effexor 150mg and risperidone? Why not right away?

 

Another thing, I felt brief pangs of anxiety last night, and yesterday while watching a movie I felt what I think was laughter bubbling to the surface (although it never arrived). Is this a sign that the damage is reversible and not permanent?

[Viinncceennt]

Sorry @MFo2000, but I can't really answer any of this.

[MFo2000]

Okay, I understand

[MFo2000]

I suppose when I taper risperidone down to 0 I'll find out which of these two poisons is causing this numbness. Although that might take months to figure out

[Pidgeon]

It can drive you crazy, but try to accept it, rather than fight against it, as in this fight against yourself you will only win by waiting it out.

[princefan777]

Why does this feel so permanent? When I've been through my waves of intense anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and dpdr, I've always felt like it will go away eventually, and for the most part they all have. But with the emotional blunting I've had only a couple of windows, and it really just feels like I'll feel like this the rest of my life...

[Leonardo]

18 hours ago, princefan777 said:

Why does this feel so permanent? When I've been through my waves of intense anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and dpdr, I've always felt like it will go away eventually, and for the most part they all have. But with the emotional blunting I've had only a couple of windows, and it really just feels like I'll feel like this the rest of my life...

 

It's just temporary, you have to remember that. If you have windows, great, it's a sign that you are healing.

I went through something very interesting, I only had a few very short windows. I met a woman, I got involved with her despite not feeling any feelings, I was a robot. My erections were very weak, I hardly felt any pleasure from sex. But I continued with it and the funny thing is that things improved very quickly, in 4 months I have more windows than waves and I feel more pleasure on the sexual level. I am closer to my normal.

I think we need to stimulate ourselves, that's what I did. I was afraid everything would go wrong, but what could I lose?

 

We don't live waiting for a cure, we heal by living.

 

Time will pass, have confidence in yourself, this is all normal.

Big hug!

[withhopeinmyheart]

On 12/19/2023 at 6:55 PM, Leonardo said:

We don't live waiting for a cure, we heal by living.

This sounds so right yet scares me so much. My current wd state is frozen in fear. I can't break it, can't push through it. So I sit and wait, feel close to nothing, other than the negative things. Waiting for the night. Do I heal by living? Scared... 

[Allison48]

Has anyone experienced a long wave that lasts months? I had windows in the beginning of withdrawal, but after 6 months I stopped having full windows. I’m 11 months off and have felt severely depressed consistently. Can anyone else relate? Life feels like the upside down or black mirror, with everything being attached the emotion of “what’s the point?

[Johni]

Hello @Allison48. I would like to know what you mean by depression. Do you also have suicidal thoughts?

[Allison48]

I want to live and get through this, the thoughts are more “what’s the point?” and “there’s so many people in this world, why do I matter?” - I have a therapist and I’m able to separate myself from these thoughts. I’m just worried since I haven’t had a full window where I felt normal for almost 6 months.

[Johni]

My therapist doesn't call it depression. I feel for you. I haven't taken my medicine for 4 months, but my head is in complete chaos. Constant negativism, non-stop intrusive thoughts.

[Allison48]

It’s the thoughts, but the thoughts are attached to dark emotions. Life feels meaningless, so it’s definitely depression for me. I really hope it’s also withdrawal depression, since I never felt this depressed in my life. 

[Farm24]

On 9/7/2022 at 2:36 PM, Sofa said:

Has Anyone else experienced numb muscle?
 

I cant Feel my muscle, or the rest of my body for that matter. Muscle and skin is totally numb. Cant Feel any weight or contraction or tiredness or soreness in muscle at all. Total anesthesia. 

Yes! I go from this to my muscles contracting!

[Tale]

I've read some of the posts in this thread and I can relate so much. I fell in love with someone before I ever took ADs and it was around one year of taking them I realized I didn't feel a thing for this person anymore. It was very surreal. I never connected that to the meds. I also started feeling like I had to force myself to smile to other people and laugh at their jokes. The funny thing is that I thought I had always been this way, but now I realize how wrong I was.

 

I am still taking 0.6 mg of escitalopram, but for the first time in 6 years I am rarely having moments of very intense pleasure. The first time was 3 months ago. I was listening to the playlist I usually listen to, but then one of the songs started playing. I had listened to that song plenty of times before and I never felt a thing. But that time I felt something so intense and crazy. It was like I was introduced to a new feeling because of how long it had been since the last time I felt that way. The feeling of joy, pleasure and maybe some nostalgia was so big I got chills all over my body and I ended up crying tears of joy. That lasted for some days until it went away. Just a week ago I had a similar experience, but this time there was no crying. I think it is going away too. These moments are the only things that keep me going and having hope. I don't want to die only because I want to experience those feelings again. Especially now that my body reminded me I am capable of feeling that way.

 

Maybe this post can give hope to others.