Jump to content

If you find useful information here, your gift would help keep this site going. Our staff is entirely volunteer.

Photo
* * * * * 3 votes

Acceptance


  • Please log in to reply
101 replies to this topic

#37 Barbarannamated

Barbarannamated

    Platinum star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,179 posts
  • LocationSouthern California

Posted 19 February 2013 - 12:31 PM


I realized that acceptance blurs with compromise and *settling* in my mind.

I can understand that. It sort of blurs with hopelessness for me.
Also though reality demands respect, no matter how I feel about it. So far as I've been able to tell reality doesn't care what I think.

For me I exert more effort deciding what needs accepting and what just needs some time and effort. It's not always easy to know what I can change and what is unchangeable.


Exactly.
Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

#38 peggy

peggy

    Silver star

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 884 posts
  • LocationAU

Posted 19 February 2013 - 01:59 PM

There is a really good book called "the Happiness Trap' which teaches Acceptance.

Started in 2000 - On 150mg most of the time, (but up to 225mg at highest dose for 6 months in the beginning)
Reduced off easily first time - but got depressed (not too much anxiety) 6 months later
Back on effexor for another 9 months.
Reduced off again with no immediate w/d - suddenly got depressed and anxious ++ again 3 or 4 months later.
Back on effexor - this time for 3 years
Reduced off over a month - 6 weeks later terrible anxiety - back on.
Rinse and repeat 4 more times - each time the period before the anxiety comes back got shorter and shorter
Jan - July 2012 75mg down to 37.5mg;, 8/3/12 - 35mg. 8/25/12 - 32mg. 9/11- 28mg, 10/2 - 25mg, 10/29 - 22mg, 11/19 - 19.8mg; 12/11 - 17m,
1/1- 15.5mg; 1/22 -14mg, 2/7 14.9mg, 2/18 - 17.8mg - crashed big time: back to 75mg where i sat for 2 years....

4th  March 2015 - 67.5mg;   31st March - 60mg;  24th April - 53mg; 13th May - 48mg; 26th May - 45mg;  9th June - 41mg; 1 July- 37.5mg; 20 July - 34mg; 11 August - 31mg; 1st Sept - 28mg;  1st Dec - 25.8mg;  28th Dec - 23.2mg; 23rd Jan-21.9mg; Feb 7th- 21mg; March 1st - 20.1mg, March 30th - 18mg


#39 Barbarannamated

Barbarannamated

    Platinum star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,179 posts
  • LocationSouthern California

Posted 19 February 2013 - 02:09 PM

To expand on earlier thought.... Alex said: "For me I exert more effort deciding what needs accepting and what just needs some time and effort. It's not always easy to know what I can change and what is unchangeable." How do you (anyone) determine when something must be ACCEPTED? That it is unchangeable, permanent, the best case scenario, unimproveable? That is what i struggle with. I have compromised on many things in life to the point of 'settling'. That is related to self-esteem issues, in my case.
Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

#40 alexjuice

alexjuice

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,300 posts
  • LocationUndisclosed USA

Posted 19 February 2013 - 02:28 PM

How do you (anyone) determine when something must be ACCEPTED? That it is unchangeable, permanent, the best case scenario, unimproveable?

That is what i struggle with. I have compromised on many things in life to the point of 'settling'. That is related to self-esteem issues, in my case.

I think for some things it's about making a tough decision and accepting I own the results and I don't care what others think. This doesn't apply for everything. Sometimes I put things off and imagine that somehow things will be better down the road. A few weeks string together and all of a sudden I am down the road. So what was my hope, what was I having trouble accepting? Did I decide to accept it/not accept it and then take some action or did I postpone the whole process as time slipped away?

I realize I can't do a lot physically right now but what are my options? It gets back to some things I can change and some things I need to accept. Of course the problem is the 3rd category - the I can maybe change but trying is risky - so I don't want to accept a misery unnecassarily nor do I want to do something stupid that makes me even worse off. Then it becomes paralyzing.

Or sort of. Hard to express. My mind is not very clear right now.

"Well my ship's been split to splinters and it's sinking fast
I'm drowning in the poison, got no future, got no past
But my heart is not weary, it's light and it's free
I've got nothing but affection for all those who sailed with me.

Everybody's moving, if they ain't already there
Everybody's got to move somewhere
Stick with me baby, stick with me anyhow
Things should start to get interesting right about now."

- Zimmerman


#41 Barbarannamated

Barbarannamated

    Platinum star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,179 posts
  • LocationSouthern California

Posted 19 February 2013 - 02:31 PM

You expressed it perfectly, Alex. All of it. I am 'down the road' and in Category 3. I am speaking not only of health issues, but also personal choices made (or avoided) through many years.
Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

#42 alexjuice

alexjuice

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,300 posts
  • LocationUndisclosed USA

Posted 19 February 2013 - 02:36 PM

You expressed it perfectly, Alex.

Well that's encouraging. I'm quite spacey today.

I am also stuck in category 3 on several levels.

"Well my ship's been split to splinters and it's sinking fast
I'm drowning in the poison, got no future, got no past
But my heart is not weary, it's light and it's free
I've got nothing but affection for all those who sailed with me.

Everybody's moving, if they ain't already there
Everybody's got to move somewhere
Stick with me baby, stick with me anyhow
Things should start to get interesting right about now."

- Zimmerman


#43 GiaK

GiaK

    Gold star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,479 posts
  • LocationAppalachia

Posted 20 February 2013 - 04:53 AM

Tara Brach's work on Radical Acceptance has been very helpful to me...here's a small taste and a collection of links to more:

http://beyondmeds.co...cal-acceptance/

Beyond Meds: http://beyondmeds.com/

I withdrew from a cocktail of 6 psychiatric drugs that included every class of psych drug.

I took a bit over 6 years to do it. Finished on Feb 9 2010. I'm still recovering from iatrogenesis.


#44 starlitegirlx

starlitegirlx

    Silver star

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 448 posts
  • LocationUSA

Posted 20 February 2013 - 08:07 AM

Hopefully my thoughts on these things won't upset anyone. I'm just going to put them out there and maybe they will help...
 

To expand on earlier thought....

Alex said:

"For me I exert more effort deciding what needs accepting and what just needs some time and effort. It's not always easy to know what I can change and what is unchangeable."

How do you (anyone) determine when something must be ACCEPTED? That it is unchangeable, permanent, the best case scenario, unimproveable?

That is what i struggle with. I have compromised on many things in life to the point of 'settling'.
That is related to self-esteem issues, in my case.


I generally determined what needs to be accepted when changing it has proven not possible or when change, like when you are going through WD and want it to end, will come in its own time frame. So basically, it comes down to control vs the illusion of control. Do I have control over something? True control where I can change it or is that control just some illusion that gives me some kind of false hope but in reality tortures me more because I'm clinging to the idea that I can make things better or the way I want when really, they are going to be how they are regardless of what I do or try.

 

I totally understand the 'settling' part. It's so hard to accept something and not feel like you are settling or even giving up, but the way I have come to see it now is that I am not settling as much as I am letting go of the struggle, generally an internal one that brings more torment than it does peace or reward. We have come to view settling as such a negative thing, as if we are short changing ourselves when we deserve more, which I think sums it up pretty well, but it's not really that we are short changing ourselves or deeming ourselves not worthy of more.

 

It's actually that we are looking at the circumstances and stripping away all that thinking and trying to control the outcome and all the suffering that comes along with it. Basically, we're choosing to let go of that whole struggle and let things be as they are because the fact remains that they are going to be as they are no matter what we do. We only think we can control or change them. If they are going to change, they will naturally of their own accord on their own time frame. At least that's what I've discovered time and again. I cannot force things to change on my time frame. So I have to accept them as they are.

 

And then in some cases, they do change when it is time for them to change. Often, we mistake the natural timing for having something to do with us attempts at controlling it. But I think that's an illusion. I think it would have happened anyway. But because we never accepted something it looks like it changed because of me, but it changed because that was what was going to happen. And when change doesn't happen it is because it was not going to happen.

Now, I'm not saying we should just give up on everything, because that's basically apathy. But we should give up struggling with things that are not in our control. We can still take some action like see a doctor for an illness and listen to recommendations and determine which is best for us. But after that, there is nothing more we really can do. We can think we can do something, but I think this is where we have to be brutally honest with ourselves and decide if there is anything that we could do that would change the situation or is it how it is going to be no matter what we do? In the later case, then we just have to let if go, mourn it if it's a loss of some kind and accept that it is how it is. Honestly, at least on that path, choosing acceptance, we now have some peace even if it comes with sadness and a sense of loss. At least we've stopped struggling which takes up a lot of energy and thought that we need to heal and recover.

 

I realize I can't do a lot physically right now but what are my options? It gets back to some things I can change and some things I need to accept. Of course the problem is the 3rd category - the I can maybe change but trying is risky - so I don't want to accept a misery unnecassarily nor do I want to do something stupid that makes me even worse off. Then it becomes paralyzing.


Accepting a misery unnecessarily when you think you can change it is definitely a tough call. There is the common belief that taking wrong action is better than taking no action. In some cases that may be true, but when it comes to our cases, where we are dealing with fragile health and actions that could really make things much worse, that idea really becomes a dangerous one, like choosing to cut because you've had uncomfortable WD symptoms rather than holding and giving them a chance to settle so you can stabilize.

 

We've seen how taking no action can be beneficial to us. Now, it might appear that we are accepting misery unnecessarily, but we are simply choosing to not take action when we are not certain of what the outcome will be if we were to cut. In that case, taking action is not the best thing. We tend to pay for our actions in spades when it comes to these choices we make because we cannot accept what we are dealing with WD wise.

 

Acceptance, then becomes our friend. We may experience misery, but if the choice is accepting that misery and giving ourselves some time to adapt so that the misery may pass (like a hold would accomplish), then acceptance is wise. Taking action ie: taking control of something that could ultimately end up making us worse (and we've all seen that happen here in the forums) is often the least wise thing to do and we pay for it in spades.

 

But this is also something that goes beyond the topic of WD. In many if not most life situations, people 'take control' and 'take action' and it does not often lead to better situations. Often it is done out of impatience and the need to feel like you are in control. That's where the wisdom part comes in.

 

There are clear points where taking action is the right and best choice because the consequences are clear. Don't pay those taxes, you get more problems and it costs you more. Things like that where the consequences are clear are where it's best to take action.

 

Acceptance comes into play when we have no clue what action to take or where we are not sure what the outcome of the action will be. In those cases, taking action would likely do more harm than good. Much like cutting when you are experiencing WD just because you feel you have to do something. But holding is really the best thing. So you accept you are in misery or discomfort and may be for a while longer than you wish, but you are not acting out of that need to control or change things or to simply do something because you don't like where you currently are.

Acceptance can be tricky and it can be a challenge knowing what and when to accept something. I tend to go by a few rules of thumb:

1) Have I done what I can to change this how I wanted it to be and has it helped or not? Generally this leads to acceptance as I'm personally not fond of feeling like a dog chasing its tail.

2) Do I know what the outcome of taking this action will be? Is it something I am doing simply because I dislike how things are yet taking the action could actually make things worse? What is my motivation? Is is because I feel I have to do something? Or is it based on information that makes it look like it could very likely be the key to improving things, like for me, stabilizing on klonopin. The information I got from several well informed and experienced people all pointed to high odds that the klonopin was causing the WD effects. While I wasn't thrilled about going on a regular dose three times a day I realized it was probable that the change would be beneficial. That caused massive improvement and proved to me that there is hope for me to stabilize.

My brain is foggy due to a medication mishap so I'll leave it at that, though it's quite long. Sorry for that. Just trying to help based on my experience. If it doesn't suit your needs ignore it. I only wish you all the best and try to help where I can.


Edited by JanCarol, 15 December 2015 - 08:57 PM.
Paragraph breaks for ease of reading


#45 Narcissus

Narcissus

    Silver star

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 613 posts
  • LocationNew Orleans, LA

Posted 01 April 2013 - 01:28 PM

This is the best book I've read about acceptance. It's out of print and a bit hard to come by, but I'm very glad that I picked it up as it has changed my life. If you're interested in the idea of acceptance but are somewhat averse to new ageism, then I recommend this work. It's written in a wise and speculative voice that one rarely encounters these days. http://www.amazon.co...howe acceptance
3 Years 150 mgs Effexor
2 month taper down to zero
3 terrible weeks at zero
Back up to 75 mgs
2 months at 75
6 or so months back to regular dose of 150 - was able to restabilize fine.
3 month taper back to zero
1 HORRENDOUS week at zero
2 days back up to 37.5
3 days back up to 75
One week at 150 - unable to stabilize.
Back down to 75 mgs
At 75 mgs (half original dose) and suffering withdrawal symptoms since October 2012.

"It is a radical cure for all pessimism to become ill, to remain ill for a good while, and then grow well for a still longer period." - Nietzsche

#46 Meimeiquest

Meimeiquest

    Platinum star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,879 posts
  • LocationSpring Hill, TN

Posted 27 July 2013 - 07:03 AM

If you want peace that passes all understanding, you have to give up your right to understand. Bill Johnson (whoever he is). Based on Philippiians 4:6-8 in the Bible
1st round Prozac 1989/90, clear depression symptoms. 2nd round Prozac started 1999 when admitted to dr. I was tired. Prozac pooped out, switch to Cymbalta 3/2006. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder due to mania 6/2006--then I was taken abruptly off Cymbalta and didn't know I had SSRI withdrawal. Lots of meds for my intractable "bipolar" symptoms.
Zyprexa started about 9/06, mostly 5mg. Tapered 4/12 through12/29/12
Wellbutrin. XL 300 mg started 1/07, tapered 1/18/13 through 7/8/13
Oxazepam mostly continuously since 6/06, 30mg since 12/12, tapered 1.17.14 through 8.26.15
11/06 Lithium 600mg twice daily, 2.2.14 400mg TID DIY liquid, 2.12.14 1150mg, 3.2.14 1100mg, 3.18.14 1075mg, 4/14 updose to 1100mg, 6.1.14 900 mg capsules 7.8.14 810mg, 8.17.14 725mg, 8.24.24 700mg...10.22.14 487.5mg, 3.9.15 475mg, 4.1.15 462.5mg 4.21.15 450mg 8.11.15 375mg, 11.28.15 362.5mg, back to 375mg four days later, 3.4.16 updose to 475 (too much going on to risk trouble)
9/4/13 Toprol-XL 25mg daily for sudden hypertension, tapered 11.12.13 through 5.3.14, last 10 days or so switched to atenolol
7.4.14 Started Walsh Protocol
56 years old

#47 GiaK

GiaK

    Gold star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,479 posts
  • LocationAppalachia

Posted 27 July 2013 - 07:52 AM

posted something on this topic today...I love James Hillman

 

The right reaction to a symptom might be a welcoming rather than laments and demands for remedies, for the symptom is the first herald of an awakening psyche which will not tolerate any more abuse.

 

 

 
More from A Blue Fire, by James Hillman:
One day in Burghölzli, the famous institute in Zurich where the words schizophrenia and complex were born, I watched a woman being interviewed. She sat in a wheelchair because she was elderly and feeble. She said that she was dead for she had lost her heart. The psychiatrist asked her to place her hand over her breast to feel her heart beating: it must still be there if she could feel its beat. “That,” she said, “is not my real heart.” She and the psychiatrist looked at each other. There was nothing more to say. She had lost the loving courageous connection to life—and that is the real heart, not the ticker which can as well pulsate isolated in a glass bottle.
 
This is a different view of reality from the usual one. It is so radically different that it forms part of the syndrome of insanity. But one can have as much understanding for the woman in her psychotic personalization as for the view of reality of the man attempting to convince her that her heart was indeed still there. Despite the elaborate and moneyed systems of medical research and the advertisements of the health and recreation industries to prove that the real is the physical and that loss of heart and loss of soul are only in the mind, I believe the “primitive” and the woman in the hospital: we can and do lose our souls. I believe with Jung that each of us is “modern man in search of a soul.”
 
Because symptoms lead to soul, the cure of symptoms may also cure away soul, get rid of just what is beginning to show, at first tortured and crying for help, comfort, and love, but which is the soul in the neurosis trying to make itself heard, trying to impress the stupid and stubborn mind—that impotent mule which insists on going its unchanging obstinate way. The right reaction to a symptom may as well be a welcoming rather than laments and demands for remedies, for the symptom is the first herald of an awakening psyche which will not tolerate any more abuse. Through the symptom the psyche demands attention. Attention means attending to, tending, a certain tender care of, as well as waiting, pausing, listening. It takes a span of time and a tension of patience. Precisely what each symptom needs is time and tender care and attention. Just this same attitude is what the soul needs in order to be felt and heard. So it is often little wonder that it takes a breakdown, an actual illness, for someone to report the most extraordinary experiences of, for instance, a new sense of time, of patience and waiting, and in the language of religious experience, of coming to the center, coming to oneself, letting go and coming home.
 
The alchemists had an excellent image for the transformation of suffering and symptom into a value of the soul. A goal of the alchemical process was the pearl of great price. The pearl starts off a bit of grit, a neurotic symptom or complaint, a bothersome irritant to one’s secret inside flesh, which no defensive shell can protect oneself from. This is coated over, worked at day in day out, until the grit one day is a pearl; yet it still must be fished up from the depths and pried loose. Then when the grit is redeemed, it is -worn. It must be worn on the warm skin to keep its luster: the redeemed complex which once caused suffering is exposed to public view as a virtue. The esoteric treasure gained through occult work becomes an exoteric splendor. To get rid of the symptom means to get rid of the chance to gain what may one day be of greatest value, even if at first an unbearable irritant, lowly, and disguised. -- James Hillman, A Blue Fire

 

 

for original with links and pics included see here: http://wp.me/p5nnb-9wY


Beyond Meds: http://beyondmeds.com/

I withdrew from a cocktail of 6 psychiatric drugs that included every class of psych drug.

I took a bit over 6 years to do it. Finished on Feb 9 2010. I'm still recovering from iatrogenesis.


#48 Meimeiquest

Meimeiquest

    Platinum star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,879 posts
  • LocationSpring Hill, TN

Posted 27 July 2013 - 08:21 AM

Yes, that is part of what I am trying to see today.
1st round Prozac 1989/90, clear depression symptoms. 2nd round Prozac started 1999 when admitted to dr. I was tired. Prozac pooped out, switch to Cymbalta 3/2006. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder due to mania 6/2006--then I was taken abruptly off Cymbalta and didn't know I had SSRI withdrawal. Lots of meds for my intractable "bipolar" symptoms.
Zyprexa started about 9/06, mostly 5mg. Tapered 4/12 through12/29/12
Wellbutrin. XL 300 mg started 1/07, tapered 1/18/13 through 7/8/13
Oxazepam mostly continuously since 6/06, 30mg since 12/12, tapered 1.17.14 through 8.26.15
11/06 Lithium 600mg twice daily, 2.2.14 400mg TID DIY liquid, 2.12.14 1150mg, 3.2.14 1100mg, 3.18.14 1075mg, 4/14 updose to 1100mg, 6.1.14 900 mg capsules 7.8.14 810mg, 8.17.14 725mg, 8.24.24 700mg...10.22.14 487.5mg, 3.9.15 475mg, 4.1.15 462.5mg 4.21.15 450mg 8.11.15 375mg, 11.28.15 362.5mg, back to 375mg four days later, 3.4.16 updose to 475 (too much going on to risk trouble)
9/4/13 Toprol-XL 25mg daily for sudden hypertension, tapered 11.12.13 through 5.3.14, last 10 days or so switched to atenolol
7.4.14 Started Walsh Protocol
56 years old

#49 catw66

catw66

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 44 posts
  • LocationAsheville, NC

Posted 21 August 2013 - 08:28 PM

I am having a very difficult time accepting that psychiatry has probably ruined a lot of my life so far, though I can't be 100% sure. And before that, I could get into family of origin issues that just make sick so I try not to think about it all anymore.

 

But I found some old poetry I had written when I was very young. One poem had a line that I typed out and keep to remember. I was 15 when I wrote it. It ended with the line, "The soul has its own agenda and what we do with time is really just an opinion."

 

So when I think of turning 47 and having this ongoing rude awakening this past year or two especially - feeling that everything has been a waste and never quite gets me anywhere I want to go or thought I would be by now, I then think that there is more to the story of my journey than I can possibly know right now. Maybe it is to help someone else at some point.


Finished slow taper on 4/6/14 from 20 mg to 6 beads over period of almost a year on Cymbalta and then quit cannabis around the time I DC'd Cymbalta.

Tried to go off completely 8/13 - 8/20 (didn't work) - Reinstated 10mg on 8/21/13

Off Adderall (2010 -2013) after 3.5 years since July 12th, 2013

Taking Tramadol 50 mg since 2007 for chronic pain

Lamictal 450 mg (from 2007 - 2009)

Lexapro (2004-2007 30 mg?)

Ambien (2009-2010)

Trazadone (2010-2011 for sleep)

2008-2010 -Trials of Wellbutrin, Paxil, Ritalin, Concerta, Effexor, Risperdal, Abilify, Seroquel, Trileptal

Earlier history includes - long courses of Tricyclics, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Paxil. Serzone, Celexa, Remeron, Zoloft for shorter periods.

Haldol, Lithium, Stelazine. Xanax, Clonipin, and Ativan have been used on and off, mostly Clonipin. Went through serious Xanax withdrawal a couple times in my life so far. Methadone (2003-2005 - psychiatrist/pain management doctor decided that was the first thing I ought to try for moderate chronic pain).  MS Contin 2005-2007 (aka Morphine)

 


#50 Nikki

Nikki

    Platinum star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,425 posts
  • LocationUSA

Posted 27 August 2013 - 05:16 AM

I sometimes think that withdrawal is the road to enlightenment for some of us. A number of people have remarked that they have learned or are learning in withdrawal how to handle their anxieties, depression, and other unwanted personality traits much better. That's becoming true for me as well.  Jemima

 

Jemima...I think I have fallen into this at times.

 

Starlite Girl....this is one of those posts that I can read on a daily basis.  I don't think I am ever in a place of acceptance.  I keep looking to change, move forward and get to the next level.  Maybe I stress myself out alot.


Intro: http://survivinganti...ndown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine


#51 Rhiannon

Rhiannon

    Platinum star

  • Moderators
  • 3,783 posts
  • LocationPacific Northwest US

Posted 27 August 2013 - 07:34 AM

This thread is extremely helpful to me. Thank you to everyone who has contributed to it. And a special thanks to starlite.


Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease" as I was told. Long and tragic story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything.

 

Now tapering, ironically (but not surprisingly) healthier and more functional than I ever was during the years on the "meds," even with withdrawal (usually fairly mild at this slow pace).

 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 14 2011:   86 mg Neurontin   144 Lamictal,    5.5 Celexa   0.42 Xanax      1.9 mg Valium

Feb 16 2012:   10 mg Neurontin   115 Lamictal     3.7 Celexa   0.285 Xanax     2.0 Valium

Feb 22 2013:   86 Lamictal    2.05 Celexa       0.23 Xanax      1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

Now:                43                    0.625                 0.0775            1.3

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.


#52 catw66

catw66

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 44 posts
  • LocationAsheville, NC

Posted 31 August 2013 - 08:32 PM

I sometimes think that withdrawal is the road to enlightenment for some of us. A number of people have remarked that they have learned or are learning in withdrawal how to handle their anxieties, depression, and other unwanted personality traits much better. That's becoming true for me as well.  Jemima

 

Jemima...I think I have fallen into this at times.

 

Starlite Girl....this is one of those posts that I can read on a daily basis.  I don't think I am ever in a place of acceptance.  I keep looking to change, move forward and get to the next level.  Maybe I stress myself out alot.

 

 

Yes! This whole thing for me is a road to enlightenment. It started last September when I started practicing Ashtanga Yoga. After about a month when I got a taste of how must better things felt and how much grounded I felt when I was done, I decided I was going to heal from this depression and get to the bottom of it and a few other health issues. I feel my yoga practice has been guiding me to exactly the place I am today and this site.

 

I never expected to get to a place where the last resort was not actually ECT and maybe still meds, but getting off meds. I'm not there by a long shot yet at all, but the process has been started and I am finally at a place in my life where after Adderall cessation, I no longer feel suicidal every day and am more interested in how I am going to heal. I put most of my time now into what I am doing to heal myself and that has taken me away from a lot of hype and community stuff that always felt more like a pressure and an ego trip to me with my art and some of the dysfunctional people I had around me.

 

I took myself off somewhere where things are really simple - moved away and started really trying to get to the bottom of things and somehow I have found the right doctors and the right people to start showing me the way, including you all here.

 

I feel bad I am not doing my performance art and have lost my mojo in that arena but it means nothing to me now. I was finally able to concentrate 100% on my healing and it's what I needed to do. I know if I focus on my healing first, everything else will fall into place and boy do I treasure the small things that are part of that - reading a good book, walking in the woods, meditation, yoga, getting near water, etc.

 

I had to drop all the stress and pressure in my life to be what I thought I should be but could not be or could not handle under the duress of psych meds and depression and chronic fatigue.

 

I truly just found a way to go with the flow - as bad as things were at times, as bad as they still get, or could get as I taper more and more - and part of that is having to find some trust that the next step will present itself and I will know it if I am open to it.


Finished slow taper on 4/6/14 from 20 mg to 6 beads over period of almost a year on Cymbalta and then quit cannabis around the time I DC'd Cymbalta.

Tried to go off completely 8/13 - 8/20 (didn't work) - Reinstated 10mg on 8/21/13

Off Adderall (2010 -2013) after 3.5 years since July 12th, 2013

Taking Tramadol 50 mg since 2007 for chronic pain

Lamictal 450 mg (from 2007 - 2009)

Lexapro (2004-2007 30 mg?)

Ambien (2009-2010)

Trazadone (2010-2011 for sleep)

2008-2010 -Trials of Wellbutrin, Paxil, Ritalin, Concerta, Effexor, Risperdal, Abilify, Seroquel, Trileptal

Earlier history includes - long courses of Tricyclics, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Paxil. Serzone, Celexa, Remeron, Zoloft for shorter periods.

Haldol, Lithium, Stelazine. Xanax, Clonipin, and Ativan have been used on and off, mostly Clonipin. Went through serious Xanax withdrawal a couple times in my life so far. Methadone (2003-2005 - psychiatrist/pain management doctor decided that was the first thing I ought to try for moderate chronic pain).  MS Contin 2005-2007 (aka Morphine)

 


#53 catw66

catw66

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 44 posts
  • LocationAsheville, NC

Posted 31 August 2013 - 08:34 PM

P.S. I am now serious as all get out about how better to manage my moods and negative thoughts than I've ever been. I got myself a CBT and a DBT workbook and work almost every day there. Been reading some books by Dr. Alexander Low as well that I picked up at a thrift store. I don't think he ever wrote those books for those on the kinds of meds we have these days, but they are still helpful in some way to me. I think being on meds caused my growth in terms of dealing with depression to get stunted - for a long time.


Finished slow taper on 4/6/14 from 20 mg to 6 beads over period of almost a year on Cymbalta and then quit cannabis around the time I DC'd Cymbalta.

Tried to go off completely 8/13 - 8/20 (didn't work) - Reinstated 10mg on 8/21/13

Off Adderall (2010 -2013) after 3.5 years since July 12th, 2013

Taking Tramadol 50 mg since 2007 for chronic pain

Lamictal 450 mg (from 2007 - 2009)

Lexapro (2004-2007 30 mg?)

Ambien (2009-2010)

Trazadone (2010-2011 for sleep)

2008-2010 -Trials of Wellbutrin, Paxil, Ritalin, Concerta, Effexor, Risperdal, Abilify, Seroquel, Trileptal

Earlier history includes - long courses of Tricyclics, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Paxil. Serzone, Celexa, Remeron, Zoloft for shorter periods.

Haldol, Lithium, Stelazine. Xanax, Clonipin, and Ativan have been used on and off, mostly Clonipin. Went through serious Xanax withdrawal a couple times in my life so far. Methadone (2003-2005 - psychiatrist/pain management doctor decided that was the first thing I ought to try for moderate chronic pain).  MS Contin 2005-2007 (aka Morphine)

 


#54 Nikki

Nikki

    Platinum star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,425 posts
  • LocationUSA

Posted 01 September 2013 - 04:30 AM

If you want peace that passes all understanding, you have to give up your right to understand. Bill Johnson (whoever he is). Based on Philippiians 4:6-8 in the Bible

 

Ain't that the truth:)


Intro: http://survivinganti...ndown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine


#55 starlitegirlx

starlitegirlx

    Silver star

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 448 posts
  • LocationUSA

Posted 02 September 2013 - 07:52 AM

P.S. I am now serious as all get out about how better to manage my moods and negative thoughts than I've ever been. I got myself a CBT and a DBT workbook and work almost every day there. Been reading some books by Dr. Alexander Low as well that I picked up at a thrift store. I don't think he ever wrote those books for those on the kinds of meds we have these days, but they are still helpful in some way to me. I think being on meds caused my growth in terms of dealing with depression to get stunted - for a long time.

 

I think they do stunt us regarding being able to deal with depression or emotional issues, but I think part of that is because we stop seeking other ways to cope and expect the meds to do it all. Back around 2005 I started reading Pema Chodron, Echkhart Tolle, Cheri Huber and other Buddhist authors who focused on mindfullness and being in the present and accepting what is. That started getting me into a different realm of thinking, out of the being depressed state (which I was ususally in thanks to the meds which did not help). Reading those type of books game me different perspectives on my reality and gave me a chance to see different ways to view things and ways to cope. I wonder how many people would end up on meds if they were taught this stuff in school at an early age and had follow up classes during the years to come and even did yoga in gym and deep breathing and meditation as electives. If I were rich I would push for such changes. Even when I am not actively using these techniques, because of what I have learned, they do pop into my brain and I realize during rough times that I am mentally time traveling into an unknown future but acting as if I know it. That stops me right then. Or I can calm myself and steer away from things that are upsetting me sooner rather than when I am already upset. Or I can catch my thinking on the downward spiral and realize there are a bunch of what ifs in it that don't have any factual basis and are just me thinking the worst. Then I can accept how things actually are and feel better and soothe myself.  

Once you've learned it and practiced it, it can pop up to help you even when you are not thinking of it or using it. That's a gift of sorts.



#56 Nikki

Nikki

    Platinum star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,425 posts
  • LocationUSA

Posted 05 September 2013 - 05:13 AM

I am going to a mindful meditation class this evening.  I could use it every evening.  This is a marvelous thread.  Thank you for starting it.


Intro: http://survivinganti...ndown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine


#57 Barbarannamated

Barbarannamated

    Platinum star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,179 posts
  • LocationSouthern California

Posted 05 September 2013 - 06:02 AM

I'm so terrible with Acceptance that I have a very hard time reading this thread. I am struggling terribly with this because I know I must try to accept my life as it is. At this stage of the game and with my health issues and being disabled, it's highly unlikely that i will ever get out of this marriage. It's highly unlikely that, at my age, I will ever work or be self sufficient again. Most likely wont have grandkids because...well...pretty sure that requires having kids first. No siblings, nieces, nephews... Trying to accept my aloneness in this world and not be terrified by it. Withdrawal accentuates it badly.
Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

#58 compsports

compsports

    Platinum star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,369 posts
  • LocationUnited States

Posted 05 September 2013 - 07:29 AM

Barb,

 

It is ok not to be accepting of your situation and if I were facing what you have described, I would find acceptance very hard.  You're doing the best you can.

 

Hugs!

 

CS


Drug cocktail 1995 - 2010
Started taper of Adderall, Wellbutrin XL, Remeron, and Doxepin in 2006
Finished taper on June 10, 2010

Diagnosed with sleep apnea 2012 and on pap machine

Dealing with protracted sleep issues


#59 starlitegirlx

starlitegirlx

    Silver star

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 448 posts
  • LocationUSA

Posted 06 September 2013 - 12:13 PM

I'm so terrible with Acceptance that I have a very hard time reading this thread. I am struggling terribly with this because I know I must try to accept my life as it is. At this stage of the game and with my health issues and being disabled, it's highly unlikely that i will ever get out of this marriage. It's highly unlikely that, at my age, I will ever work or be self sufficient again. Most likely wont have grandkids because...well...pretty sure that requires having kids first. No siblings, nieces, nephews... Trying to accept my aloneness in this world and not be terrified by it. Withdrawal accentuates it badly.

 

Hi Barb,

 

My situation is very much like yours in several ways though I came face to face with it many years ago when I went on SSDI for my illness. I was late 20s. Then I tried going back to college and got a great job until the hours turned horrendous and the company changed. My illness went south. I got sick and realized that working kept making me sick and I had been sick while I was working but tolerating it. So now, work was done. I was living with my crazy mom in a bad situation. No boyfriend. Only a few close friends. My brother barely bothered with me unless he wanted something. I had no future. I live in my bedroom while handling another med taper as best as I can. I never imagined I'd have to deal with the hell of a med taper after I had already lost so many hopes and dreams. I'm 45 and at 40 I had to give up the last nuggets of hope I had towad the few things I still thought I could have. Now, they are gone too. So I can relate to where you are in that there were a lot of things I wanted out of life that I never got. There were a lot of things I did to try to change it and make better and they didn't work.

 

All I could do in the end was grieve the loss of the things I had hoped for and move on. It sucked. There are times when it still hits me but mostly because I'm doing another taper that will last a more than two years if I choose to be safe about it and go slow.

 

The truth is that clinging to those thoughts about the things I wanted and couldn't have caused me more suffering. I would go in circles and get more and more depressed. I used Eckhart Tolle's wisdom to help me let go. There are still moments where I just look at the whole of my life and feel it to be a total waste but overall, I don't go there much because I have accepted it by letting go of what was causing me suffering. I never even got close to most of the things I wanted. Life snapped them out of my hands after I barely touched them or never even let them near my grasp. And everywhere I look I see how all these things are normal for the majority.

 

Now I consider my life is different. I'm on a totally different path that is nothing like most people's. I'm don't know the point of it now. Maybe I never will. But I don't hate it (unless I'm in a rare horrible place) like I once did. I just go with the flow of it and do what I can to make the best of it. And because of that, the mental anguish is almost never there and when it is, there is usually a trigger rather than it's been on my mind the whole time dragging me down so I couldn't find anything good.

 

I'm just saying I know where you are coming from. For me, it felt like loss after loss, things being taken away - dreams, hopes, possibilities even. Then I grieved all those things and accepted them. No it was not easy. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Only another person who has been through it can fathom how awful it feels. Empty, pointless nothingness of life. That's how it felt to me. Why even bother when I just exist so solitarily and make no difference and just go from one day to the next with no purpose or point. Then I think maybe that is MY purpose or point. To turn that state of suffering and emptiness and loss into a state of peace and self-love where I'm okay with what is and I am not defined by any of it.

 

The only thing I know is that were it not for acceptance, I would be going round and round day in and out over all these things in my life that I wanted so deeply that no longer seem to be of great importance to me. I no longer miss 99% of them. Health and well being is the one thing I care about these days and acceptance gave me back a chunk of it.

 

I am so sorry you have to go through this. If I could fix it, I would. Best I can do is tell you how I got through it and hope that maybe it helps you.

 

You are in my thoughts and I hope you find peace soon.



#60 Barbarannamated

Barbarannamated

    Platinum star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,179 posts
  • LocationSouthern California

Posted 06 September 2013 - 03:15 PM

Thank you for your kind and supportive replies, CS and Starlite. Yes, I sense I must go through the process of grieving the life i hoped and planned for to come out the other side. It's tough and I know I'm fighting it with denial, bargaining, ANGER, and all those other steps along the way to acceptance. I admire your ability to find peace, Star. Or even moments of it.
Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

#61 starlitegirlx

starlitegirlx

    Silver star

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 448 posts
  • LocationUSA

Posted 06 September 2013 - 04:17 PM

I still have times where it I feel sad. Sometimes it's not even because of the things I loss but because I feel that there's just been so much and it's been going on for years. But I do find enough times that I'm content in doing whatever I find myself doing that I don't really think about it. Sometimes I have to be careful about things like certain TV shows because I see people living life in them and I don't feel like I'm really living life fully. But then I realize I'm living it more deeply, digging into the guts of the dark places of it.

 

Of course, the benzo taper and WD really made it all so much worse to me. That was like poisonous icing on a really bad cake. The years that I'll be doing the taper and knowing the WD stuff it can come with and even right now I woke up from a nap with them when I didn't have them before. It's sometimes more that I can even begin to handle. But hey, I did get a couple of hours of sleep so there was some exta hours of healing in there. But it's another loss. More years thrown away.

 

I wish I never had to learn the feeling of loss. But we grieve it and go through the stages as you are and then let it go. I try to find good in it, but there are only fleeting moments when I can see it, especially now with the WD.

 

You'll be fine - or at least feel more peace that you do now. Generally speaking I do. Even with the benzo nightmare. It's just a challenging process to let it go because you life was built around these ideas and beliefs and wants. They are ingrained in us from practically birth. But you can find peace. Others have traveled this road and done it as well. Some have turned it around and made it become the best of the two options. Those people are pretty amazing.

 

I wish you the best in your journey, barb. Hang in there and find your peace.



#62 Barbarannamated

Barbarannamated

    Platinum star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,179 posts
  • LocationSouthern California

Posted 06 September 2013 - 05:18 PM

Yes ~ it's the "so much for so many years" that does me in.
Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

#63 starlitegirlx

starlitegirlx

    Silver star

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 448 posts
  • LocationUSA

Posted 06 September 2013 - 05:43 PM

There really should be a limit and a set time frame to these sort of things in life, don't you think?

 

I hate that saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Whenver someone has said it I think "Maybe, but God sure does like to test the limits."



#64 Barbarannamated

Barbarannamated

    Platinum star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,179 posts
  • LocationSouthern California

Posted 06 September 2013 - 07:19 PM

It's sometimes not the blatantly horrible events but the cumulative losses that strip a life of joy and meaningful relationships that can put a person over the edge. Last weekend, I visited the ranch where I used to board my horses and it struck me how much of my life has been about finding anything to fill my time ~ for YEARS. A few years ago, a beautiful (inside and out), vibrant, loved-by-all friend from high school went through a personal struggle that played out on Facebook (later learned it involved sleep and anxiety issues, psych drugs). Her situation was very similar to ours. Many well meaning people assured her that God only gives what we can handle. When she eventually took her life, I wondered how those people felt about that statement. Sorry to be so somber.
Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

#65 starlitegirlx

starlitegirlx

    Silver star

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 448 posts
  • LocationUSA

Posted 06 September 2013 - 08:30 PM

Don't be sorry. You speak the truth. It's easy for people who haven't been there to say it will get better, but personally, I only listen to the ones that have, and especially the ones who have been through my kind of hell. Their words offer more hope than a bunch of random people telling me it will be okay.

 

God doesn't only give us what we can handle. If that were the case, there would be no suicide. Anyone who says that lacks the sense to see that. People who kill themselves clearly couldn't handle what God gave them. Of course, I'm not even sure what my thoughts on God are these days but that's a whole other topic.

 

I agree that it is the cumulative losses that add up over time. It all adds up and it stays with you. All that what I feel I have lost stays with me. I just don't think about it much anymore. I've moved on for the most part. But I still know the options I never had and the thing I wouldn't have minded experiencing in place of the hellish ones I did. But then on a rare day I wonder if what I have experienced is more important in a way I don't comprehend now but when I'm done here will it change things or have change me in some grander scheme or bigger picture that we cannot see. On a clear day, I sense that is the case... that there is purpose to the suffering and loss. Actually, I feel like I know it is the case, but I don't know why. But that's a rare occassion (though it happens more often as time passes).



#66 Barbarannamated

Barbarannamated

    Platinum star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,179 posts
  • LocationSouthern California

Posted 07 September 2013 - 09:34 AM

Thanks, Starlite. I KNOW you understand. I have to stop trying to explain this emptiness to people who have not experienced it. It sets off an anger in me that is indescribable.
Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

#67 starlitegirlx

starlitegirlx

    Silver star

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 448 posts
  • LocationUSA

Posted 07 September 2013 - 10:18 PM

Now that's a feeling I know. They just don't get it. And it's not like it's that hard to fathom. But it's like they don't want to get it or they think we're making excuses as if life couldn't possibly be that cruel. My own family acted like it wasn't a big deal for the longest time. In fact, it wasn't until I was in Acute WD with the benzos where I was totally suicidal and saying that it was the last straw because I had finally lost everything... the last thing being my physical health. That freaked them out and made them realize just how bad it had been for me. And this way my own family. My best friend finally shut up because she thinks not having to work is great since she hates her job. Yet she would never want the income I live off, pittance that it is. So really, nobody understands but people who have lived through it. Sometimes I think it's just narrowmindedness regarding the whole thing. Mostly, I think they're spoiled because they haven't lived through half the stuff I have and you should see how I go blank when any of them tries to give me advice on most things that are totally out of their depth. Yeah, I understand the rage.



#68 Barbarannamated

Barbarannamated

    Platinum star

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,179 posts
  • LocationSouthern California

Posted 08 September 2013 - 02:50 PM

RegArding TV and movies... I watched one of the Sex and City movies recently. Two of the characters broke down in tears and shamefully confided to each other that they needed a career, too, because motherhood alone was not fulfilling. Yea. I have to be careful what I watch.
Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

#69 starlitegirlx

starlitegirlx

    Silver star

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 448 posts
  • LocationUSA

Posted 09 September 2013 - 07:00 AM

I think that's why I tend to favor fantasy and scifi - because it doesn't generally jump into all the things that I've worked hard to accept I'm not going to have. They may be there but they are peripheral to the story and rarely if ever the focus, or when they are, they are done in a way that it doesn't trigger anything for me.

 

My acceptance hinges on it not being in my face constantly as a reminder. When I am reminded over and over of something I lost, I can drift out of acceptance into despression or just sadness. I can do it without the reminders and then I just have to let go. But I avoid things that would regularly have whatever I'm accepting shoved in my face. TV and movies can trigger me if their focus in on what I am accepting I cannot have or don't have. Mostly though, it seems that the limitations of my life favor me not coming across that often because I avoid the topics or what brings up the topic of certain things and for games, tv, movies and book, I steer from things that go into those issues. Honestly, I find them pretty trite. I'll take a good scifi or fantasy movie or TV show or even a light hearted crime drama over everything else any day.



#70 Roads

Roads

    Silver star

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 155 posts
  • LocationFrance

Posted 10 September 2013 - 08:05 PM

The idea of acceptance is deceptive. There is no acceptance. There is nothing. What you try to achieve is that: nothing. nothing between you and everything, Nothing between you and what is. This is not a process, this is not an act. In fact, it is the contrary. This not 'allowing', like you said. Not at all Acceptance is not something to do. Acceptance is nothing, to do.  


First AD -sertraline- in 2007at the age of 13 because of child abuse

2009-2013: intricate story of multiple wds, meds and cts, gradually became a living mess

Feb 2013: last CT from a cocktail of four drugs, symptoms are relenting but witness a constant sharpening of the brain

 


#71 piscesrising

piscesrising

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 18 posts
  • LocationUnited States

Posted 10 September 2013 - 09:20 PM

Wow. I'm so glad you guys are here and I"m not alone, it's funny I don't know anyone in my personal life who has gone through what I"m going through or is going thru it and it makes such a huge difference, just wish you guys were in person :/

I've been in that place of refusing to accept anything yet and going insane trying to find a solution to feel better and driving other people insane. I've gotten to the point where I"ve lost hope that things will help and that is a scary place to be for me, to stop trying, its seemed and been so freakin' long I"m sick of it. I tell my friend (that I drive nuts) that I do all these apts and things not because it's fun but because I don't want to have to kill myself or get on disability (not that there is something wrong with that, I'd prefer not to have to go to what to me seems extreme but it seems to be coming). I don't know ..will 'accepting' it make a difference when I"m still severely depressed and crying at work or having intense anxiety or insomnia for days on end so I have to miss work and risk losing my job? 

I"m scared to accept. I don't know what that means. 

Roads I"m curious and would be interested in an elaboration!!

Also Barbranimated I know what you mean, thats why Facebook is so painful for me I hardly go on there anymore...I feel like I'm missing out on life and falling behind and a failure when I see it all, even music reminds me of 'who I used to be' and those having fun. I have resentment at all my friends who are doing well and moving forward and in realtionships and happy and functional, I feel like I can't even talk to them, that I am too depressing and embarrassed by my state of affairs internally and externally. 



#72 starlitegirlx

starlitegirlx

    Silver star

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 448 posts
  • LocationUSA

Posted 11 September 2013 - 06:53 AM

Pisces, you are feeling loss. It's pretty normal but not fun at all.

 

I lost a lot before having to do the taper due to life circumstances and I felt like you, sad and embarrassed, at times jealous and resentful. You do get past it to a degree and just accept it. You won't always be this way but this is loss you are dealing with. If you go on SSDI, you can get off it down the road. You can go back to working part time and probably even go back to college. I don't know how old you are, but it doesn't necessarily lock you into a bad situation. It does however give you some money to get by while you get well. Getting on it can be hard. You'll probably have to use the depression and not blame it on the meds and go through a psychiatrist.
 
I know how you feel, like you have lost a lot and you are watching others move forward and have a good life. I lived like that for over a decade, much loss - one thing after another - and people around me having it all work out for them. For me, I just came to accept that my life is what it is. I will never have the things I hoped for which makes me sad at times, but that is the path of my life.
 
It may not be yours. It may just be temporary. I don't know where you are in your taper. I've only been on this site rarely lately and only in two areas - this one and one other. But if you do a cautious taper, not fast, and be mindful of symptoms you might be able to limit sx. If you are already off, over time they will fade. In cases, slow tapers can minimize any kind of WD after depending on the drug. But SSDI can reduce the stress of work if you feel you need to do that. And yes, it is a loss.
 
I remember my father begging me to go on it many years ago as I got sicker and sicker. I was terrified. I don't regret doing it. I am sad that I had to do it. Even on this site I see people talking about their lives, still doing stuff and I haven't had that at all since some months into my taper. It just depends on the person.
 
Do what you need to to to take care of yourself now. Let the future take care of itself and be kind to yourself. You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about. Life threw you a hard ball. Curve balls we can handle. We've all had them. Hardballs hit you and knock the wind out of you. That's how it is for us. We never saw this coming. We never thought these drugs were going to do this to us.
 
So you do what you have to do but never feel embarrased about it. I mean, if you had cancer and had to go on SSDI would you feel embarrassed? I think we still may carry some stigma with us. But it doesn't make any of what we go through less than it is. Ironically, we carry stigma about stuff like this yet getting people to understand that these drugs are not safe is an uphill battle. So the drugs are accepted as making people well and if you speak out about them you are labelled. But the problems that come along side of all this mental health stuff and having to go on SSDI still has stigma. Go figure. How messed up is that? I wish you fast and full healing and all the best in the world. Be well and heal well.

Edited by JanCarol, 17 December 2015 - 12:54 AM.
paragraph breaks for ease of reading