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Acceptance


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#73 Barbarannamated

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Posted 11 September 2013 - 07:30 AM

EXCELLENT analogy of curveball vs. hardball, Starlitegirl.
Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

#74 piscesrising

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Posted 11 September 2013 - 05:38 PM

Thank you. I did call them today, I"d have to figure out how to live on very little income for the next 2 years while I was trying to get it, which sounds daunting but it might be the only way I don't know. Thanks for your response, means a lot. 



#75 Barbarannamated

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Posted 11 September 2013 - 06:42 PM

Thank you. I did call them today, I"d have to figure out how to live on very little income for the next 2 years while I was trying to get it, which sounds daunting but it might be the only way I don't know. Thanks for your response, means a lot.

Pisces, Depending on your employer, you may have options such as short term disability, temporary or extended medical leave that do not require the lengthy process of SSDI. My apologies if you've already discussed this elsewhere.
Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

#76 starlitegirlx

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Posted 24 September 2013 - 10:59 AM

Acceptance for today is a beast.

 

Because I'm doing a slow careful taper (roughly 5% a month) I'm looking at 2020-2021 as the time frame for me coming off the benzo. That's what? 7-8 years? Hopefully I won't have any acute or protracted WD with such a slow taper. But I'm in a place of not wanting to accept almost ten years for the endeavor. That's a huge chunk of my life. I can't even imagine it. I'm just sad. Really sad.

 

I'm generally pretty good at accepting things. Mostly because I've learned that struggling against them only makes everything worse while it rarely, if ever, changes things. But the thought of this being my life for nearly a decade is not a happy one. Funny though... when I went on the meds and they told me I had to take them for life, I accepted that. It wasn't the worst thing in the world. But I believed they would make me better, which they didn't. Now I have to do this taper for an insane amount of time due to the risks of going faster which are pretty big, and part of me wonders why this is such a frustration for me. I can just reason in my mind that it's the same as taking the drugs for life was except now I am weaning off them. Weaning. I like that word. It feels appropriate. 

 

Maybe I just have had my limit of things I have to accept and this is the final thing in a very very long list that I feel like railing against. Except that's not going to change a damn thing. My taper will still be my taper and years from now I will still be doing it unless I'm dead.

 

So there it is. I have to accept the absurdity of this if I want to limit the risks which to be honest, protracted WD is not something to mess with. I guess if it means a almost a decade of minor misery vs major misery for god knows how long, the decade is the better option because minor misery can become a thing you ignore. We've all done it.

 

Time passes anyway, right? Even now I'm watching a show that was on over a decade ago. I remember what I was doing when it originally aired. I cannot believe it was over a decade ago. Time flies even when it seems to drag. I look back and see a year has gone by and it stuns me.

 

I guess I can accept this or learn to accept it though I suspect I'll keep bouncing into the struggling with it arena for a bit.



#77 Jemima

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Posted 24 September 2013 - 04:35 PM

There really should be a limit and a set time frame to these sort of things in life, don't you think?

 

I hate that saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Whenver someone has said it I think "Maybe, but God sure does like to test the limits."

 

Stepping out of my role of mod for a few minutes, I want to clear up the confusion about the Bible passage discussed above.  First of all, the concept that God won't put on you more than you can bear isn't a "saying", it's a quote from the Bible:

 

1 Corinthians 10:13

New King James Version (NKJV)

 

13 "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."

 

The word temptation as used here is synonymous with "trial" so the gist of this idea is correct.

 

What a lot of people miss is that this passage was addressed to a new Christian church that Paul planted and it applies only to believers, to the best of my knowledge. So, yes this is a true statement in its context, but it doesn't apply to the entire human race. God loves us all, but in many ways, believers are treated differently than non-believers to the best of my understanding.

 

That said, trying to accomplish acceptance has been very difficult for me, and I seldom make it for more than a few minutes. Somewhere, way back when, someone convinced me that life was supposed to be good and fair, and at the age of 66 I'm in shock that they lied.  I've recently read at least two Christian books that pretty much say we live in a fallen world and therefore we shouldn't expect living here to be mostly good.  If I remember right, "Life is hard" is a basic Buddhist concept as well. I wish someone had taught me this  instead of The Big Optimistic Lie.

 

 

 


Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivinganti...oducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivinganti...r-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 


#78 ladybug

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Posted 24 September 2013 - 04:49 PM

As a Christian in the midst of trials, I grapple with this scripture a lot. Yes, believers are treated differently, however many Christians have also found their trials too much to bear and have ended their life have they not? How do we reconcile that bitter fact with this scripture?


a.k.a JMarie

Paxil since Mar.1998

2006-2007:40-20mg
2009: 20mg to 14mg 2010: 14mg to 10.5mg 2011: 10.5 to 7.6mg  2012: 7.5 to 6.8mg

2013: 6.7-6.3mg 2014: 6.2mg-5.8mg 2015: 5.7 to 5.15mg

01/06/16:5.1mg

02/20/16: 5.0mg

05/28/16: 4.9mg

07/09/16: 4.8mg

09/02/16: 4.7mg

10/27/16: 4.6mg


#79 Jemima

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Posted 24 September 2013 - 04:53 PM

I haven't known any Christians who've committed suicide, although that doesn't mean it never happens. I don't think we can ever truly know what goes on in another person's mind. Perhaps God offers a way to escape, but the person chooses not to take it. Perhaps many suicides are the result of antidepressant withdrawal or poly-drugging.  I just don't know.


Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivinganti...oducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivinganti...r-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 


#80 ladybug

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Posted 24 September 2013 - 05:08 PM

I haven't known any Christians who've committed suicide, although that doesn't mean it never happens. I don't think we can ever truly know what goes on in another person's mind. Perhaps God offers a way to escape, but the person chooses not to take it.

Nobody would choose death if there was a means of escape. They choose death because they see no other means of escape from their suffering other than death. I don't know, maybe it's one of those age old theological questions for which you can never find a simple answer.


a.k.a JMarie

Paxil since Mar.1998

2006-2007:40-20mg
2009: 20mg to 14mg 2010: 14mg to 10.5mg 2011: 10.5 to 7.6mg  2012: 7.5 to 6.8mg

2013: 6.7-6.3mg 2014: 6.2mg-5.8mg 2015: 5.7 to 5.15mg

01/06/16:5.1mg

02/20/16: 5.0mg

05/28/16: 4.9mg

07/09/16: 4.8mg

09/02/16: 4.7mg

10/27/16: 4.6mg


#81 starlitegirlx

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Posted 24 September 2013 - 08:36 PM

God... oh what a topic.

 

When I was around 20 I had this dream that I had the power to heal, it was really weird. I kept healing all these suffering people and I kept saying that 'I am God and you are God and we are all God' and I healed every person I saw. I understood it to mean that we are all God and have the power to heal ourselves. But I never really understood how.

 

Then a few years ago I came across this video about this woman who had been in a coma with stage 4 cancer and tumors riddling her body. She was a mess, literally on her death bed after being rushed to the hospital and going into a coma. She left her body and could hear everything doctors and family were saying in rooms not even near where she was. She then was in some other realm (for lack of a better word) where she could see everything and know and understand things so clearly. It's really a great book. I think it's called Dying to Be Me. I think it's a Hay House book because Wayne Dyer heard about her and helped her get the deal. Oh yeah, the important part... after her near death or whatever you call it experience she came out of her coma knowing she could and would heal. She had a choice to come back and she didn't want to because she was sick but then she understood that she could heal herself. I think she healed in 4 days. They kept testing her and all the cancer was gone. All of it was documented. Pretty amazing stuff.

 

I need to buy that book again. I think I gave away my copy. It was really amazing. The Bible and most religious stuff does nothing for me, but someone who has been through an experience like that and shares it (and has the proof to back it up as in medical records and people who go on record saying there's no way she could have known what they said at the time as she was in a coma and nowhere near the conversation) - that kind of thing offers me more than the bible which is open to all sorts of interpretations and has been played with quite a lot (parts removed).  But this book, it really impressed me. And it wasn't really about God directly but you get the impression there is a grand scheme or design and a loving force behind it all.



#82 Barbarannamated

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Posted 27 September 2013 - 12:44 PM

I have personally known, and known OF, a few Christians who ended their life in this world. Pastor Rick Warren's son most recently. I'm no theologian, but it seems that if God knows all, he knows how things are going to play out and chooses to let it happen..? This is where I get hung up with religion and Christianity. When a Christian friend completed suicide a few years ago, it dramatically impacted many people because she seemed like a very strong woman. But there was an unrelated *final straw* after being ill for several years. During that time, some Christian friends argued that Jesus gave his own life...? I don't presume that our current life is as good as it gets, that there can be no better out there. What about heaven? Lastly, I think there is a place for humane euthanasia. As a society, we treat animals with more compassion and mercy than we do people. In fact, it is sometimes considered animal cruelty to keep animals in situations that humans are kept in. I realize my sentiments won't be appreciated by others, but there they are. I intend no disrespect to anyone or any religion.
Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

#83 starlitegirlx

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Posted 27 September 2013 - 01:19 PM

Animals don't count in religion. So we can be compassionate and help them along when it is clearly the best option. Logic dictates rather than some book or many different books for all the different religions written way back when.

 

This is why I stick with buddhist practices and avoid all religious stuff. Buddhist practices are relevant to my life now. I can use them to help me get through my life now. I have never been in communication with God to the best of my knowledge and I don't know anything about the scribes of the Bible. If they were in communication with God, that kind of pisses me off because I wouldn't mind a little one on one guidance or help. If they weren't then whatever they wrote becomes wholly irrelevant TO ME from MY perspective. I want to make clear it's my opinion on the matter. But that's why I don't do religions. I steer clear of them as they do nothing for me. For people whom they do help, then great. Live and let live is my motto. I just never got anything out of any of the religious teachings or works to date.

 

That said, I think there is a bible quote that I do turn to often.... This too shall pass.

 

Not sure if it's a bible quote as I never really got that far reading it, but I think I've seen it quoted from the bible. Forgive me if I'm wrong. Again, no offense to anyone who believes. I just haven't found it helpful for me.



#84 ladybug

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Posted 27 September 2013 - 01:49 PM

God... oh what a topic.

 

When I was around 20 I had this dream that I had the power to heal, it was really weird. I kept healing all these suffering people and I kept saying that 'I am God and you are God and we are all God' and I healed every person I saw. I understood it to mean that we are all God and have the power to heal ourselves. But I never really understood how.

 

Then a few years ago I came across this video about this woman who had been in a coma with stage 4 cancer and tumors riddling her body. She was a mess, literally on her death bed after being rushed to the hospital and going into a coma. She left her body and could hear everything doctors and family were saying in rooms not even near where she was. She then was in some other realm (for lack of a better word) where she could see everything and know and understand things so clearly. It's really a great book. I think it's called Dying to Be Me. I think it's a Hay House book because Wayne Dyer heard about her and helped her get the deal. Oh yeah, the important part... after her near death or whatever you call it experience she came out of her coma knowing she could and would heal. She had a choice to come back and she didn't want to because she was sick but then she understood that she could heal herself. I think she healed in 4 days. They kept testing her and all the cancer was gone. All of it was documented. Pretty amazing stuff.

 

I need to buy that book again. I think I gave away my copy. It was really amazing. The Bible and most religious stuff does nothing for me, but someone who has been through an experience like that and shares it (and has the proof to back it up as in medical records and people who go on record saying there's no way she could have known what they said at the time as she was in a coma and nowhere near the conversation) - that kind of thing offers me more than the bible which is open to all sorts of interpretations and has been played with quite a lot (parts removed).  But this book, it really impressed me. And it wasn't really about God directly but you get the impression there is a grand scheme or design and a loving force behind it all.

Wow, that's pretty amazing.

 

I have personally known, and known OF, a few Christians who ended their life in this world. Pastor Rick Warren's son most recently. I'm no theologian, but it seems that if God knows all, he knows how things are going to play out and chooses to let it happen..? This is where I get hung up with religion and Christianity.

 

 

Funny you would say that as I said the same thing to an Atheist friend of mine with whom I was discussing this thread. He proposed that although God is supposed to be omniscient, he also has provided us with our own free will to make our choices. So I asked my friend, if God truly doesn't give us more than we can handle, why do believers commit suicide. He said that perhaps that scripture was true, but because of our free will we have a choice whether to trust that God will see us through or not.


a.k.a JMarie

Paxil since Mar.1998

2006-2007:40-20mg
2009: 20mg to 14mg 2010: 14mg to 10.5mg 2011: 10.5 to 7.6mg  2012: 7.5 to 6.8mg

2013: 6.7-6.3mg 2014: 6.2mg-5.8mg 2015: 5.7 to 5.15mg

01/06/16:5.1mg

02/20/16: 5.0mg

05/28/16: 4.9mg

07/09/16: 4.8mg

09/02/16: 4.7mg

10/27/16: 4.6mg


#85 Jemima

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Posted 29 September 2013 - 12:34 PM

I'm impressed with your atheist friend, Ladybug.  Excellent, well-thought-out answer.


Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivinganti...oducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivinganti...r-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 


#86 ladybug

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Posted 29 September 2013 - 05:29 PM

I'm impressed with your atheist friend, Ladybug.  Excellent, well-thought-out answer.

Haha, I agree! While he doesn't believe for himself he knows that my faith is what I often cling to in my journey through this hell so when I begin to have doubts, he is the first one who attempts to give me reassurance that God is there for me, and will see me through. It's very ironic.


a.k.a JMarie

Paxil since Mar.1998

2006-2007:40-20mg
2009: 20mg to 14mg 2010: 14mg to 10.5mg 2011: 10.5 to 7.6mg  2012: 7.5 to 6.8mg

2013: 6.7-6.3mg 2014: 6.2mg-5.8mg 2015: 5.7 to 5.15mg

01/06/16:5.1mg

02/20/16: 5.0mg

05/28/16: 4.9mg

07/09/16: 4.8mg

09/02/16: 4.7mg

10/27/16: 4.6mg


#87 Equanimity

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Posted 26 October 2013 - 09:05 AM

God... oh what a topic.

 

When I was around 20 I had this dream that I had the power to heal, it was really weird. I kept healing all these suffering people and I kept saying that 'I am God and you are God and we are all God' and I healed every person I saw. I understood it to mean that we are all God and have the power to heal ourselves. But I never really understood how.

 

Then a few years ago I came across this video about this woman who had been in a coma with stage 4 cancer and tumors riddling her body. She was a mess, literally on her death bed after being rushed to the hospital and going into a coma. She left her body and could hear everything doctors and family were saying in rooms not even near where she was. She then was in some other realm (for lack of a better word) where she could see everything and know and understand things so clearly. It's really a great book. I think it's called Dying to Be Me. I think it's a Hay House book because Wayne Dyer heard about her and helped her get the deal. Oh yeah, the important part... after her near death or whatever you call it experience she came out of her coma knowing she could and would heal. She had a choice to come back and she didn't want to because she was sick but then she understood that she could heal herself. I think she healed in 4 days. They kept testing her and all the cancer was gone. All of it was documented. Pretty amazing stuff.

 

I need to buy that book again. I think I gave away my copy. It was really amazing. The Bible and most religious stuff does nothing for me, but someone who has been through an experience like that and shares it (and has the proof to back it up as in medical records and people who go on record saying there's no way she could have known what they said at the time as she was in a coma and nowhere near the conversation) - that kind of thing offers me more than the bible which is open to all sorts of interpretations and has been played with quite a lot (parts removed).  But this book, it really impressed me. And it wasn't really about God directly but you get the impression there is a grand scheme or design and a loving force behind it all.

Starlitegirl,

 

First, I want to thank you for creating this topic thread.  I read several of your opening posts about how you came to understand and use acceptance to heal from your ordeal of rape.  That is amazing and you are very strong.  I appreciate your wisdom.

 

You wrote about being able to heal others.  YOU ARE HEALING OTHERS WITH YOUR WORDS.  We are all teachers and we are all students.  

 

As far as Anita Moorjani, here are two videos, for you and anyone else who like to feel so much better, of two interviews with her:

 

http://www.afterlife...ange-your-life/

 

I was going to post it and the entire subject in a new thread, but you have touched me with your words and I think it belongs here.  You are on the right track with your thinking.  Keep following that road.  


1977-2001 Valium 5mg. PRN (and later years I PRNed too much)., 2001 Prozac, but changed quickly to Paxil for 6 months, then tapered over 8 weeks.

2002 Klonopin 1 mg., Celexa 30 mg. had "manic" response (was labeled bi-polar) so Neurontin was added after trying Depakote, Geodon, Risperadal, Zyprexa.

2003 Trileptal was added and Neurontin discontinued. Hair fell out and Trileptal was discontinued.,

2004 Now 6 mg. Klonopin, Lexapro 20 mg. (instead of Celexa) Lamictal 125 mg. instead of Trileptal.

2009 Now 3 mg. Klonopin reduced from 6 mg. after swallowing all the pills and lived to tell about it. Wellbutrin was added, then Rozerem 8 mg. and stayed on Lexapro 20 mg. and Lamictal at 100 mg. (Seroquel and Effexor were tried, but quickly discontinued.)

2011 Successfully tapered from Klonopin 3 mg. to 2 mg. that year in .25 mg. increments.

2012 Successfully tapered off Wellbutrin and discontinued Rozerem replacing it with melatonin. Tapered another 1/2 mg. of Klonopin.

2013 Tapered off Lexapro 10 mg. in January and February, tapered down to 75 mg. of Lamictal in February. Went to a holistic clinic for a month in March and tapered 1 1/2 mg. off Klonopin to 0 by March 13th. Finished Lexapro taper of 10 mg. during the spring and then the last 75 mg. of Lamictal in the summer. All done by July 21st 2013.  Withdrawal symptoms (both physical and emotional) up the ying-yang.  

10/22/13 Right now am suffering from unrelenting vertigo, crying spells, some anxiety.  Definite periods of hope and homeostasis. 

 

My introductory post:  http://survivinganti...-to-withdrawal/

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

     


#88 Equanimity

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Posted 26 October 2013 - 09:26 AM

I haven't known any Christians who've committed suicide, although that doesn't mean it never happens. I don't think we can ever truly know what goes on in another person's mind. Perhaps God offers a way to escape, but the person chooses not to take it. Perhaps many suicides are the result of antidepressant withdrawal or poly-drugging.  I just don't know.

Hi Jemima,

 

My two suicides attempts were made possible BECAUSE my brain was so numbed from, first time--years of Valium use, second time--after years of being poly-drugged.  The second time I was unconscious for ten days.  They told me when I woke up that I came thisclose to being dead.  My husband told me that during the time I was out, I was talking away and made the doctors and nurses laugh as if I was "me" and I was doing a usual routine about something I found funny when I am conscious.  I don't know if that makes sense, but the reason I wanted to write is that while there are times now when after the tapering that I did this year I get so overwhelmed and I keep asking out loud, "WHAT is the point?!"  I KNOW that I would NEVER be able to attempt suicide again.  God gave us this natural anxiety and that is what keeps us from doing any harm to ourselves.  I believe that because I can FEEL that now.  

 

I also read your wonderings about God not giving us too much to bear and other writings about Christian scripture.  I found a lot of answers about the Bible and what is really means by reading Emmett Fox, who was a Christian metaphysician.  His writings have helped me to understand the symbology of the Bible.  I now have found incredible meaning and solace in the Bible now that I understand its meaning through its symbols.


1977-2001 Valium 5mg. PRN (and later years I PRNed too much)., 2001 Prozac, but changed quickly to Paxil for 6 months, then tapered over 8 weeks.

2002 Klonopin 1 mg., Celexa 30 mg. had "manic" response (was labeled bi-polar) so Neurontin was added after trying Depakote, Geodon, Risperadal, Zyprexa.

2003 Trileptal was added and Neurontin discontinued. Hair fell out and Trileptal was discontinued.,

2004 Now 6 mg. Klonopin, Lexapro 20 mg. (instead of Celexa) Lamictal 125 mg. instead of Trileptal.

2009 Now 3 mg. Klonopin reduced from 6 mg. after swallowing all the pills and lived to tell about it. Wellbutrin was added, then Rozerem 8 mg. and stayed on Lexapro 20 mg. and Lamictal at 100 mg. (Seroquel and Effexor were tried, but quickly discontinued.)

2011 Successfully tapered from Klonopin 3 mg. to 2 mg. that year in .25 mg. increments.

2012 Successfully tapered off Wellbutrin and discontinued Rozerem replacing it with melatonin. Tapered another 1/2 mg. of Klonopin.

2013 Tapered off Lexapro 10 mg. in January and February, tapered down to 75 mg. of Lamictal in February. Went to a holistic clinic for a month in March and tapered 1 1/2 mg. off Klonopin to 0 by March 13th. Finished Lexapro taper of 10 mg. during the spring and then the last 75 mg. of Lamictal in the summer. All done by July 21st 2013.  Withdrawal symptoms (both physical and emotional) up the ying-yang.  

10/22/13 Right now am suffering from unrelenting vertigo, crying spells, some anxiety.  Definite periods of hope and homeostasis. 

 

My introductory post:  http://survivinganti...-to-withdrawal/

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

     


#89 Meimeiquest

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Posted 28 May 2015 - 11:39 AM

https://www.facebook...=nf&pnref=story


Edited by KarenB, 08 April 2016 - 05:45 AM.
merged similar topics

1st round Prozac 1989/90, clear depression symptoms. 2nd round Prozac started 1999 when admitted to dr. I was tired. Prozac pooped out, switch to Cymbalta 3/2006. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder due to mania 6/2006--then I was taken abruptly off Cymbalta and didn't know I had SSRI withdrawal. Lots of meds for my intractable "bipolar" symptoms.
Zyprexa started about 9/06, mostly 5mg. Tapered 4/12 through12/29/12
Wellbutrin. XL 300 mg started 1/07, tapered 1/18/13 through 7/8/13
Oxazepam mostly continuously since 6/06, 30mg since 12/12, tapered 1.17.14 through 8.26.15
11/06 Lithium 600mg twice daily, 2.2.14 400mg TID DIY liquid, 2.12.14 1150mg, 3.2.14 1100mg, 3.18.14 1075mg, 4/14 updose to 1100mg, 6.1.14 900 mg capsules 7.8.14 810mg, 8.17.14 725mg, 8.24.24 700mg...10.22.14 487.5mg, 3.9.15 475mg, 4.1.15 462.5mg 4.21.15 450mg 8.11.15 375mg, 11.28.15 362.5mg, back to 375mg four days later, 3.4.16 updose to 475 (too much going on to risk trouble)
9/4/13 Toprol-XL 25mg daily for sudden hypertension, tapered 11.12.13 through 5.3.14, last 10 days or so switched to atenolol
7.4.14 Started Walsh Protocol
56 years old

#90 manymoretodays

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Posted 28 May 2015 - 01:27 PM

Beautiful.

 

The last part though.......I would have left out any advice......like saying you need to find more trees..........and say.........wait until you discover the trees or something.  It was very beautiful to read though and maybe I took the last part wrong.  It caused a perspective shift in a good way overall.


Started with psycho meds circa 1988 I think 27 or 28 total.

AD's, antpsychotics, antiseizure mood stabilizers. Lithium, lamictal,benzos, and stimulants. Some med. for narcolepsy once?, Gabapentin........probably more.  Ask me?......I probably was on it.  Haphazard W/D's by Dr. recommend or uneducated self.

10/2014- off Lexapro--had been on highest dose 10 mg. then 5 mg. for a couple of years, went from 5 mg. to 3 mg. liquid and then CT in hospital(voluntary).  I got out of the hospital on a combination of low dose adderal salts x1/day and trileptal 150mg. x2/day.

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!

 

3/21/2016---I did some unwise updosing of trileptal/oxcarbazepine with some stressful stuff......doubled the above dose x2 during this last wave but began liquifying again and on approximately 68mg. starting today.  11/12//2016 24 mg. oxcarbazepine  12/9/2016 off oxcarbazepine/trileptal!!!! :) optimistic

Omega3's,EPA +DHA= approx. 1200/day. Magnesium citrate orally,diluted in a liter of H2O(that I can shake up.....it usually dissolves more completely as the water gets down to room temperature) and/or Epsom salt baths prn.   Vit. C and E.  B12, melatonin 3mcg., and bioidentical hormones sublingually.  Trace mineral drops.  L-lysine.  L-methylfolate=300 mcg. Totally ready for a good long window to hit soon and getting better strings of full days and partial days along the way.  Definite improvement overall since I first arrived on the SA survivor ship.  Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.

 


#91 isurvived8

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Posted 25 November 2015 - 08:38 PM

God is everywhere. He is real. He Knows what your going through. He's there when you think about suicide and he feels.the pain your feeling. People that commit suicide arent bad people, and I do not believe that they go.to "hell" . Everyone has a different perception of hell, none two are exactly the same. Everyone in a way created their own hell, and life is our test, to resolve the internal torment brought up by our own personal confliction or misconceptions, or delusions. Life is about picking your head up with courage and facing down your fears. Thats when everything starts to become clear. Anxiety is a result of false beliefs, be it spiritual or mental. Who knows. Our life was always going to be like this, theres nothing we can do to change it. All we can do is focus on whats real and learn and accept and move on.
Effexor 150 mg 2012-2015(august)

Xanax 3mg 2010-2014(began wean late 2012)

Currently taking 20mg of hydrocortisone (10 mg 7am, 5mg 12pm 5 mg 4pm)

#92 Treehugger50

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Posted 16 December 2015 - 07:38 AM

Acceptance is so hard. To just allow yourself to be where you are and not fight against it, not be mad about it, to get past feeling sad or anxious and just let it be, like it doesn't even matter because it is what it is. Acceptance is a struggle for most people. Challenging. Perhaps the most challenging thing a person can do is accept life as life is.

 

We're not taught to accept. Everything society has to offer teaches us to push and fight and never give up, blah, blah, blah, but I've spent too much of my life doing that and really, the best times when things have gone smoothly were when I just accepted things, letting go of the struggle, and allowing them to be as they were without judgment or feeling like a failure or any of the other emotional garbage that society has ingrained into me if I allow, let things be, give up the battle or fight, stop trying to change it or whatever way you want to put it.

 

To most, it might seem like quitting. But it actually has its roots in buddhism, and buddha was pretty damn wise. He understood the nature of suffering and realized the hell we put ourselves through it pretty fierce. Acceptance ends that hell, but letting go of trying to change things we want desperately to change is quite the challenge. It feels like giving up. I'm writing this because I'm in a place where I have to accept something I don't want to accept.

 

I have awful tremors in the morning that are likely residual AD WD. No other logic behind them since they started more mildly during the beginning of my AD taper. And here I am off the AD for six months having these tremors only to help with the tremors and worst parts of AD WD I used klonopin and made things a lot worse. Now I'm at 3.5mg of K when I was only at 1mg before my taper of the AD and I want desperately to taper the K because I've learned how bad they are and the damage I probably did taking them, but I have these tremors which are a sign my CNS is a mess. So I'm stuck in a position where I have to accept my CNS is a mess and let it go, giving it time to fully recover before I begin to taper the K.

 

I also have to accept the fear that it may never recover as well as the possibility of it or even just that it might take years. It's all so open ended and leaves no ground under my feet. I'm floating in uncertainty and who among us likes that? But if I do not accept this and allow life to be as it is and run its course as it will, then I will suffer far more emotionally and add more stress which will hinder my recovery.

 

I'm sharing this because from many of the posts I've read here, it seems we all struggle with acceptance.

 

So I thought maybe a thread dedicated to it, to sharing what we are struggling with accepting and helping each other with that like they do in those 12 step groups (which are quite helpful to a fair amount of people who frequent them) would be something useful and helpful to all of us.

 

A kind of haven we can go to when we are stuggling and get support that can help us accept where we are. A sanctuary for the rough times. Someplace that feels safe and nurturing and comforting.

 

Maybe it will help some of us. It's worth a try, right?

 

So for today, I'm working on accepting that I have these tremors that are a sign I have not recovered and it's all so open ended because of that. The when or will I recover is especially scary. But I have to accept that I don't know. I have to accept that life is what it is and I will just have to let the days go by and not give it attention because that will make it worse for me. It is what it is and I have no power over it. Sad as that makes me, that is how it is right now. So I have to accept it or fight it. I choose not to fight. I hope others will join me in sharing here and helping each other through those rough spots where acceptance offers the best path through them.

 

I am finidng that since I have been off of my SSRI- I had anxiety and OCD pretty bad, but I find that as that gets better, I get the creeping feelings of not being good enough. I know that I am, but I was laid off of work a few months ago and was OK, but now I am at home all the time and try to get out and go to the gym, grocery shop, volunteer at my kids school, but society has taught me that the only way to feel OK is to be working and contributing to my family. I forget the things I do without having a job, like keep my house clean, laundry clean, errands ran, pets walked and loved, lids taken care of, volunteering with other kids at the school, and these thigns. But for some reason, I feel that if I don't physically get up and go to work like I have been for the past several years, I am not doing anything. Does that make sense?! LOL

I just tell myself that I will find a job soon and it will work out, but I don't want to ahve to rely on a job to feel like I am doing something.

Maybe it is just part of withdrawal, and this will pass as my brain continues to heal, but for now it stinks. :)

I have been off of Lexapro 18 weeks today! I know it can take time to heal, but so far I have not reinstated and do not plan too!

My husband says he sees a literal 95% positive change, so I have to just focus on keeping that number high!

Any insight or encouragment GLADLY accepted! LOL :D :D


1-2013- Quit 15 mg Lexapro cold turkey

5-2013- went back on to Lexapro 20 mg; found out through this forum that I was just feeling protracted w/d symptoms- kicking myself for not sticking it out

10-2013- started my taper to 18 mg

2-2014- tapered down to 15 mg

6-2014- tapered down to 12.5 mg

4-2015- still at 12.5 mg; noticing anxiety more- hanging around until I feel ok to go down to 10mg

6-2015- 5 mg

7-2015- 2 mg

8/2015- OFF     UPDATE: Dec 16th- Off 18 weeks today! Still having some issues but better!

 

 


#93 Coopergirl1

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Posted 17 December 2015 - 10:33 AM

Hey Treehugger- I think you are doing an amazing job for 18 weeks off. You are a terrific mom, person and friend. You volunteering and taking care of yourself IS contributing. No one thinks that taking care of yourself is an actual job but it is! And being a mom is a full time job in itself. What God wants for you will eventually happen, you will be making money again. It sounds like you have the right support from your husband and no need to feel bad. I was off work for a few months before and was getting put down about it but now I am working and just signed up for a class for nursing school. I will get there one day and so will you. All my love xo Coopergirl


Started Prozac 20 MG March 2014-Sept 2014
New doctor switched me to Lexapro 10 MG and it helped from Sept 2014-Feb 2015 and then I felt the Lexapro wasn't helping as much so he changed the dose to 20 MG and I took that from Feb 2015-July 2015 when I decided to get off pills completely.I had to reinstate as I was feeling so bad and very pressured to go back on pills. My Dr put me on 50 MG zoloft and I took it for about a week..made me feel brain dead. Went down to 25 before I really learned the trouble of fast tapering..finally got a jewelry scale to properly weigh out my pills. Looking to just feel OK. Unsure where to go next.

#94 ChessieCat

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Posted 17 December 2015 - 02:17 PM

Hi Treehugger,

 

I'm happy to give encouragement.

 

If a woman doesn't look after herself she is not able to take care of others.

 

CC


I've still got a way to go ... but I've already come a long way!!!

 

Antidepressants:  25 years - 1 unknown, Prozac (caused muscle weakness), Zoloft; Cipramil CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks soon after)

Pristiq:  50mg mid 2012, 100mg beg 2014 (mild Serotonin Toxicity)     Current:  Pristiq 30mg (from 3 Feb 17)

 

Tapering history & graph

My website - includes my brief history + links to videos & information on the web

 

 


#95 KarenB

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Posted 03 April 2016 - 07:29 PM

From Short Notes from the Long History of Happiness by Michael Leunig:

 

We struggle, we grow weary, we grow tired.

We are exhausted, we are distressed, we despair.  We give up, we fall down, we let go.

We cry.  We are empty, we grow calm, we are ready.  We wait quietly. 

 

A small, shy truth arrives.  Arrives from without and within.  Arrives and is born.  Simple, steady, clear.  Like a mirror, like a bell, like a flame.  Like rain in summer.  A precious truth arrives and is born within us.  Within our emptiness.

 

We accept it, we observe it, we absorb it.  We surrender to our bare truth.  We are blessed.  We rise up.

 

For this we give thanks. 

Amen


2010 May Fluoxetine 20mg. Raging mostly stops, become more functional.
2011 February Escitalopram 10mg (sudden switch). 2012 January Escitalopram 20mg.  2013 Early June Feeling great, decide to taper. Doc advises alternate days 20mg/10mg for 4 weeks.  Late June Steady. Drop to 10mg daily. Early July Not coping, raging, flu symptoms, shaky, anxious, low, spaced-out, self-destructive.  Mid July Return to alternate days 20mg/10mg - minimal improvement. Early August Return to full dose 20mg. Lost.
2014 February Switch to Venlafaxine. (First reduced Esc. to 10mg/day for a week) Feb-April Lost, 'light' self-harm, exhausted.
April Increase Ven. to 150mg/day. Dizzy. July 75mg twice a day to improve dizziness. Deep depression remains.  2015 Feb Vigilant dose spacing partially eases dizziness. Mar Switch to Effexor 75mg 2x/day. May Cut 10% to 135mg - bad w/d 2 mths, held 1 mth.  Aug 1.3% cut - bad 1mth, held 1mth. Oct 4 wkly 0.4% cuts held 6 weeks. Jan 2016 2 wkly 0.4% cuts. 8 month hold. Sept Wkly cuts: 0.5%, 3 1% cuts.  Oct 4 wkly 1% cuts, hold 3-4 weeks.
Supplements: Fish oil, vitamins E & C, magnesium, iron, MSM, oat-straw tea, nettle tea.  My story of healing: ContinuedHealing

***I am not a doctor or counselor; please do your own research and be prepared to take responsibility for decisions you make.*** 

           'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.'  Dr Gabor Mate.


#96 elbee

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Posted 14 April 2016 - 06:33 PM

Starlite, if you're still around, I'm glad you started this thread. I just read through it all, and it wasn't what I expected, but I can ACCEPT that :)

 

Funny, I was raised Jewish and was told growing up that we were the "chosen" people. I guess there are folks perhaps in every religion that feel they have the VIP pass . . . I dunno :)

 

A number of people have posted about resources I too have found useful (and I'll add a few more):

  • Tara Brach - Radical Acceptance
  • Pema Chodron - When Things Fall Apart (really everything by Pema is great!)
  • Eckhart Tolle has some good stuff to say
  • I think there is good stuff in various 12 step programs (the serenity prayer specifically addresses accepting the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference).
  • Adyashanti (videos on YouTube has a number of good books out like Emptiness Dancing)
  • Anam Thubten (videos on YouTube and has two great books out to date)
  • Brene Brown (two Ted talks, I think the 2010 talk is better, and several books, The Gifts of Imperfection I think is her best)
  • Don Miguel's book, the Four Agreements

Anyway, for me acceptance mostly means seeing the world in the present with awareness . . . and going from there.

 

Also, a friend just emailed me a poem that resonates with me and I think relates to this topic:

 

LIGHTLY by Aldous Huxley
 
It’s dark because you are trying
too hard.
Lightly child, lightly.
 
Learn to do everything lightly.
Even though you’re feeling deeply.
 
Lightly let things happen, and
 
Lightly
 
cope with them on tiptoes
and with no luggage,
completely
unencumbered.

1990 (age 20, in college) - First major panic attacks (diagnosis, PD, GAD, Depression). Prescribed 100 mg sertraline, 2.5 mg lorazepam. Tried to reduce meds several times but essentially took these meds for about 25 years.
Summer of 2014 - Quit drinking alcohol and 3.5 month taper off all meds under doc supervision. October 2014 - Return of severe panic attacks, with 8-month "SSRI/Benzo chase" to try and stabilize. June 2015 - Found a drug "reinstatement" (more drugs than I had ever been on) that stopped the panic attacks, but was left with severe anxiety, depression, and numerous side effects: 150 mg sertraline (Z=Zoloft), 15 mg mirtazapine (R=Remeron), 2 mg clonazepam (K=Klonopin)

-- Begin new taper -- 12/11/16: Z=100 mg, R=6 mg, K=1 mg, 11/13/16: Z=100 mg, R=7.5 mg, K=1 mg, Z=100 mg, R=7.5 mg, K=1.5 mg, 9/1/16: Z=112.5 mg, R=7.5 mg, K=1.5 mg, 7/27/16: Z=125 mg, R=7.5 mg, K=1.5 mg, 5/1/16: Z=135 mg, R=7.5 mg, K=1.5 mg, 4/10/16: Z=150 mg, R=7.5 mg, K=1.5 mg, 3/1/16: Z=150 mg, R=7.5 mg, K=2.0 mg

My introduction thread.


#97 CaptainJackSparrow

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Posted 24 April 2016 - 05:34 PM

This is so important to me. Self-acceptance. It seems to me to really be the answer for everything especially withdrawal. Am I accepting that I think the way I do or feel the way I do? If i am not accepting of it, am i aware of it and can i talk to someone who I feel i can trust who will validate my feelings or atleast not invalidate them? 


2005/6-2013 - A wild rollercoaster of meds I can't remmeber, i was on 40mg of zyprexa at one point daily
2014 200mg Zoloft /5mg Saphris
2015 April 200mg Zoloft /5mg Saphris
2015 May 200mg Zoloft / 400mg Seroquel
2015 June 200mg Zoloft / 300mg Seroquel
2015 July 150mg Zoloft / 200mg Seroquel
2015 August 125mg Zoloft / 100mg Seroquel
2015 September 100mg Zoloft / 50mg Seroquel
2015 October 50mg Zoloft
2015 November 75mg Zoloft

2016 November 100mg Zoloft; 112.5mg Clozaril 


#98 FatherOfLewis

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Posted 11 August 2016 - 04:33 PM

How do you participate in life, work, family, knowing that you're still "stuck" in this drugged state and wanting out? 

Was there a point at which you stopped worrying about it and just accepted it?

 

Being calm about this process is very important, but it's also very difficult.


Edited by KarenB, 26 August 2016 - 11:30 PM.
moved from stand-alone topic

2005 - 2014 Adderall XR 15mg + Lexapro 20mg on/off, but mostly ON
2014 - Tried to quit for the "last" time; tapered Adderall very slowly, but was depressed and slow and sad on just the Lexapro 20mg.
2015 (early) - Switched to Wellbutrin XL 150mg. Began having increased GAD symptoms, irritability, and insomnia.

2015 (Nov) - Wellbutrin XL 150mg + Zoloft 25mg. Sleep restored, started feeling better.

2016 (Feb) - Wellbutrin XL 150 mg. Fast tapered off Zoloft. Increasing GAD and reemergence of insomnia.

2016 (May) - Off all meds. CT'd Wellbutrin as psych agreed it was probably causing my GAD. Slept well for awhile. Eventually had early morning wakefulness and greatly increasing GAD, and finally a panic attack, so started an anti anxiety (probably would have held off a little longer had I remembered all I'd previously learned on SA).

2016 (June) - Buspar 30mg as 10mg 3x daily. Eventually started having crazed "obsessive" episodes, which finally landed me in the hospital.

2016 (July) - Zyprexa 10mg, Wellbutrin XL 150mg, Zoloft 50mg

2016 (Aug) - Zyprexa 2.5mg, Wellbutrin XL 150mg, Zoloft 50mg


#99 JanCarol

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Posted 26 August 2016 - 08:46 PM

Charlie Chaplin - Incredible Poem on Self Love

By UPLIFT on Sunday May 1st, 2016   http://upliftconnect...m-on-self-love/

Charlie_Chaplin_(1965)_by_Erling_Mandelm

 

Beautiful Words on Self Love

 

A poem read by Charlie Chaplin on his 70th birthday (April 16, 1959),

originally written by Kim McMillen

https://www.amazon.com/When-I-Loved-Myself-Enough/dp/0283073373

 

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

 

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody if I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.

 

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it “MATURITY”.

 

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

 

As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

 

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

 

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.

 

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.

 

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

 

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know “THAT IS LIFE”!

CharlieChaplin%20crop_zpsjfwycdmi.jpg

 

While he did not write these words himself, I had to leave a tribute on the Uplift page.  I had just done a week delving into his biography and filmography, and wanted to share - how special it was that he came to these words, in the depths of despair, exile, anger, and the lack of appreciation which he had been left with, when he was 70 years old:

 

I wrote:

 

It was wise of Chaplin to even recognize the poem enough to share it and recite it.

 

He had his share of heartache, and even in the greatest peak of his success, he was banned from the US, as "un-American" When he returned to Hollywood to receive a lifetime Oscar Achievement he received the longest standing ovation in Oscar history. He was deeply moved, but obviously sad and somewhat broken from his years in exile in Switzerland.

 

He was quoted by a friend that day, as saying, "we had some good times, didn't we? They are gone, but oh, we did have a good time." Indicating to me that he was nostalgic for the times when his work was appreciated, that he was seen as an artist and not a political symbol.

 

On that same day, he was protected by armed guards, as, in 1972 he was still called "Commie," and "Red," and there were threats to his life. There was a huge debate as to whether or not - in 1972! - he should have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. And when they did put it in, they had to guard it for awhile to keep it from defacement.

 

And there, in the midst of the controversy - he had spoken of never returning to Hollywood ever again - he humbly took up his hat and cane and returned to this standing ovation. He was 83 on that day - and so - he would've recited this poem 13 years before, isolated, exiled into Switzerland, and feeling his art was lost and unappreciated.

 

I'm glad he achieved this sweet recognition before he left us. He was more than a director, more than a dancer, an actor, a singer, a songwriter, a gymnast, a mime, a writer. He was a gifted artist, and an inspiration to millions.

 

I am going to get the Kim McMillen book, because every time I re-read this poem it teaches me something new.  Very simple and powerful.

 

Edited by ChessieCat, 26 February 2017 - 02:48 PM.
changed font size

"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna

 

Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.

 

My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.

 

A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.

 

Currently Lithium Orotate 1.67 mg only.  I will re-evaluate this supplement in 2017.

 

I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!


#100 ChessieCat

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Posted 26 February 2017 - 02:50 PM

"Acceptance means perceiving your experience and simply acknowledging it rather than judging it as good or bad."

 

From how-to-practice-acceptance-for-mindfulness


I've still got a way to go ... but I've already come a long way!!!

 

Antidepressants:  25 years - 1 unknown, Prozac (caused muscle weakness), Zoloft; Cipramil CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks soon after)

Pristiq:  50mg mid 2012, 100mg beg 2014 (mild Serotonin Toxicity)     Current:  Pristiq 30mg (from 3 Feb 17)

 

Tapering history & graph

My website - includes my brief history + links to videos & information on the web