Angi: New to this site

[Angi]

Where do I begin? Well like many others have said I am so glad to have found this site but hope I am not too late.

 

I feel like I have been on a terribly long roller coaster ride and I am desperate to get off! When I was 15 (1995)I was attacked and suffered from PTSD. had severe panic and depression for about 4-6 months but recovered with very little residual symptoms with out medication.

 

I first was prescribed an antidepressant(zoloft) in 2006. I was 8 months pregnant with my 3rd child, having a difficult time in my marriage, and trying to remodel a very old home on our own. I was having difficulties to say the least but it was not horrible. The straw that broke the camels back happened when I accidentally consumed cookies at a xmas party that contained pot in them which I was completely unaware of (I do not and can not partake because it makes me extremely anxious). Anyhow I did not know and I was 8 months pregnant and I had the worst panic attack of all time and I serioulsy thought I was dying. After an hour of this terrible attack I found out what was in the cookies. I was able to calm down and go back to life but then 2 1/2 weeks later I began having the worst panic off my life and severe anxiety it seemed like the PTSD came back like when I was 15 but worse. I was unable to eat or sleep.

 

I was then desperate enough to go to the dr. and would have done anything they would ask me. I was given zoloft even though I was pregnant and afraid of the effects to the baby I was assured it was safe and I was so desperate I took the pills. I was on 25mg, then upped to 50, then 100 the 150 with in 4 months. And my symptoms where only mildly helped. And I started having strange sensory issues and increased depression. So after 4 months I quit basically cold turkey. I did ok and actually seemed better. I still had some sensory issues and anxiety but it was not terrible.

 

Then about 6 months later I started to feel overwhelmed by a move and felt a little unable to make clear decisions and went to a Psychiatrist at the urging of a therapist I was seeing. I was sure he was going to diagnose me with depression and I knew something was off with me but I really did not feel unable to manage but my therapist really respected this person and urged me. I was totally shocked when he diagnosed me with ADD and prescribed me adderall. I was so shocked. He said ADD has symptoms of anxiety and depression. I naively took the medication. It worked for a while but then I noticed I started to get more depressed when it wore off so then he added zoloft to help with the depression. That was ok for awhile but then my anxiety became worse. So at this time I was in a new state and went to a new Psychiatrist who said he did not think I had ADD and thought it was anxiety and depression and took me off Adderall and zoloft and put me on lexapro.

 

At first it seemed like the lexapro was awesome and really I felt completely back to my old self but after about 6 weeks on it I became so depressed and anxious worse than when I started it, and so of course they upped my dose and that was better for awhile then the same thing and they upped it again and on and on it went until they started adding things like deplin, wellbutrin (terrible), lamictial, lithium, back on adderall and abilify which seemed to work the best.

 

In this process they also decided that I might not just be depressed but thought I was bipolar. I was also prescribe klonopin and ativan. All the while I was getting worse and seemed like I was changing so much. I was drinking more and started to not care about the things that were so important to me. It was like I was becoming someone else. As well I was very tired often and felt sick with body aches and joint pain. I was tested for RA, Chronic Fatigue, allergies, hormone imblance, everything but no one seemed to wonder about all the psych meds I was on and off. I began to abuse adderall to help with the fatigue. Then to sleep I was using ativan. I also started to abuse pain killers.

 

December 2012 I checked myself into a rehab for the drugs and drinking. I desperately needed help. Of course there I was put on more pysch medications. Seroquel, Lexapro, ativan, deplin. This was my first step into healing.

 

When I came home my psych dr. switched me from seroquel to abilify again. I started to heal from the other substances but I still felt exhausted and not well emotionally. I started to do more research about healing naturally and that is where I found information about the long term effects of antidepressants and I was so shocked. All the time I really believed they were safe and that it was the only hope for me and that maybe I have an imbalance that even the antidepressants can not help.

 

I cried for a couple of days realizing that I was so misinformed. I first started with eliminating the abilify 2.5mg cold turkey. Then I found some information about adding b vitamins particularly nacin and so I am taking large amounts of b vitamins, and other supplements. I switched my psych medication management over to my primary more holistic dr. instead of my psych NP. A month ago I started tapering from lexapro from 10 mg to 5mg every other day. I know that is not recommended but I had not found this site yet. I have also added JNK which I found from the Road Back which I do not know is helping or not. I also use 5 htp on the days I do not take my lexapro. I have also really improved my diet and have been juicing and not drinking sodas or coffee. Trying to excercise but struggeling with it. SO....

 

I do not want to suffer terrible wd symptoms and I really would like to be off this stuff and heal and see who I really am without all the numbing. I want my life back. Right now I have some mild depression mostly in the morning and mild anxiety and a big lack of motivation.

 

I know I have an incredibly long intro. but I feel it is important how everything added up to where I am now.

So I would like to get support from this site and give support. I would also like to know where to go from here. Should I go to 5 mg daily or 2.5 mg a day since currently I am doing 5mg every other day.

Edited April 26, 2013 by Karma
Added paragraph breaks for readability and added name to topic title

[Karma]

Hi Angi

 

Welcome to the site. I am so sorry for the horrible experience you have had. Please don't beat yourself up over taking what was offered - if you had known better you might have made a different decision.

 

It would be helpful if you could summarize your drug history in your signature, particularly the latest meds and dosages. Use this thread as your journal and post your questions here. With your medication history in your signature whenever you post questions your history will be readily available to the mods when we respond. Here are the instructions: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/893-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/

 

If I understand your history correctly you went cold turkey off of abilify more than a month ago ... did you experience any symptoms from discontinuing that drug? It appears that you started to withdraw from Lexapro a month ago and your question is should you go to 5 mg daily or 2.5 mg daily. In your post I see you have some mild depression mostly in the morning and mild anxiety and a big lack of motivation. My suggestion is to go to 5 mg daily and see how you feel ... hold there and monitor your symptoms. Lexapro is a very strong SSRI and a 50% reduction is probably too much, but it is likely that your system is sensitized and you want to be gentle with it. You may need to up-dose back to 8-10 mg, but I would start with stabilizing on 5 mg.

 

Here is a link to information on tapering off of Lexapro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/406-tapering-off-lexapro-escitalopram/. This link includes information on how to taper off of Lexapro and even how to make your own liquid preparation of it.

 

Karma

[Jemima]

I agree with Karma about going back on a 5 mg. dose of Lexapro every day, and I say this from experience. I tapered off 10 mg. of Lexapro a lot too fast at the end of 2011, and I remember well that my withdrawal symptoms got really bad at 2.5 mg. (I had "tapered" by going from 10 mg. to 5 mg. to 2.5 mg. to 2.5 mg. every other day over a three and a half month period per doctor's instructions). Cutting the dose from 10 mg. to 5 mg. didn't seem to affect me very much, but the drop from 5 mg. to 2.5 mg. was killer, and of course the every-other-day dosing was even worse. I went into painful, disabling withdrawal two to three weeks after stopping the Lexapro altogether. It's now 16+ months later and I'm not quite back to normal. Almost.

 

Having your drug history handy in your signature will be really helpful, as Karma said.

 

Welcome to the forum, Angi. You'll find lots of solid information and gentle, friendly support here.

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Angi.

 

What is your daily symptom pattern?

[Angi]

My daily symptom pattern is strong depression and anxiety in the mornings which seems to get better by the evenings with tossing and turning sleep.

 

I did go back up to 5mg of Lexapro daily. After my post on thursday I scared my self with a huge rage outburst to my husband who was upset because I have not really been participating in our family life or helping much around the house. I really scared myself with how angry I became I felt so out of control. I see my dr. tomorrow who I will ask about getting the liquid lexapro. I have been using more of my ativan to help with the anger and anxiety because I am so scared of it coming back, but I do not want to use ativan that often.

[mammaP]

I just want to say that I really feel for you and want to give you a cyber hug.

It will get better, the people here are very supportive and know what they are talking about'

I hope it isn't long before you start to feel better.

 

Mamma-P

[Angi]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate that.